


Momentum

by Children_of_the_Shadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-25 19:38:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 259,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2633783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Children_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Children_of_the_Shadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st. </p><p>Written on 22/03/2006</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cry Wolf

_**Lupin Cottage…** _

'He's around five, I…yes.' Delilah Lupin paced restlessly across her kitchen floor, her eyes darting to the back door every so often. 'If I knew where he was, I wouldn't be calling you, would I?' She stopped mid conversation, startled at the sudden noise of the door opening and closing shut.

She whirled around quickly - her heart beating holes through her chest - and the telephone clattered to the floor, as her mind registered the sight before her.

'Del…' choked out her husband, John Lupin, his hand slipping from the doorknob.

Delilah watched him fall to the ground, whether in exhaustion, or grief, she couldn't tell. Her eyes travelled across his shirt, once a pale green, but now stained a deep red.  _Blood…_ and it wasn't his.

'Del…I'm so sorry.' He was breathing heavily now, panting, trying to hold back tears, and failing miserably.

 _God, no. Please, no. Not now, not when everything's so perfect._ Her eyes finally settled on the small figure clutched tightly in his arms. It seemed immobile, a small, inanimate object, but it wasn't. She could recognise that honey brown mop of hair anywhere, and hadn't she had trouble getting him into those blue pyjamas just a few hours ago?

'John…is he?' She couldn't say it. No mother could.

John shook his head vigorously, and Del found herself falling to her knees, tears of relief flooding through. He was alive. Her baby was alive and that was all that mattered.

'But, Del…he's- it's all my fault- and I-'

Del put a silencing hand on his shoulder, trying to compose herself at the same time. John was beside himself with remorse and guilt and it was up to her to be strong. 'We need to get him to a doctor, John. He's bleeding.'

Uncertainty flickered in his eyes, but it was gone just as fast as it had come. He tightened his hold on the small boy in his arms and tried to push away the fear building up in his chest. He needed to concentrate. The apparition wards could be put down with a silent spell only he knew.

'Hold on tight.'

XxxxX

'I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin.' The healer paused before looking down and shaking his head sorrowfully. 'There's nothing more I can do.'

Del wailed into her husband's shoulders, an inhuman cry of misery. John Lupin, himself, had gone rigid, and as white as sheet, unfeeling of the sharp nails digging into his skin.

'Is-Is there no cure?' he asked shakily, already knowing the answer.

The healer shook his head again. 'I'm sorry. We'll take him to Ward 19 at three this afternoon. The potion takes effect five seconds after it's administered. Your son will go peacefully.'

 _Ward 19_ …

As soon as the information registered itself in his mind, John launched himself on the healer in a violent assault. He ignored his wife's pleas to calm down and if possible, gripped the man harder by the collar, effortlessly lifting him up and backing him up hard against the wall.

'This is my son we're talking about, not some invalid or street animal!' He bared his teeth viciously. 'My son!'

_Ward 19…how could they even think?_

The healer struggled against his hold, panic overshadowing any kind of common sense he possessed. If he was in any position to think, then he would have never said what he was about to say next: 'Mr. Lupin, please calm down. I'm only offering you the wisest solution. Your son is a werewolf now, do you understand me? He's a bane to the society and to himself, and by keeping him alive, you're only going to make things harder on the both of you. He's much better off dead.'

That was the last straw for John Lupin and whatever shred of self control he had, dissolved into pure wrath. It took five more minutes and three more people to get him off the poor man, but by then he'd knocked the healer unconscious. Seven years as an auror – John Lupin had been trained to know exactly where it hurt.

Later, when he'd calmed himself down enough to be let back into the room, he had sat himself on his son's bedside, opposite to his wife. His eyes unconsciously followed the angry red scar running from his son's neck to the end of his shoulder, and he slowly raised a hand to trace it.

'I'm never going to let him die, Del, never,' he said quietly, not looking up.

Del placed a comforting hand over her husband's. 'I would never have forgiven you if you had.'

'He deserves to live, just as much as any of these bastards. Perhaps even more,' he continued rambling, more to himself than anyone else. His hand came to rest upon his son's tiny chest, relishing at the feeling of his gentle heartbeat.  _He's alive. Thank God, he's alive._ 'He'll prove all of them wrong, each and every one of them. They'll regret ever suggesting Ward 19, and…Greyback…' his teeth clenched tightly. 'I'm going to make him pay with his life.'

Del held his hand tightly. 'John, don't, please...'

John stood up angrily, running a shaky hand through his hair. 'Why not, Del? Why not? The bloody bastard nearly killed our son, and now…' he choked, but his face quickly set with determination. 'I'm going to hunt him down, even if it takes me my whole life!'

'You're going to do nothing of the sort! The ministry's been trying to get Greyback for five years, and as far as their investigations go, his slate's as clean as glass. Do you think your attempts are going to be able to make much of a difference?'

'I can try, Del! For  _Remus_ …'

'What good will revenge do to him? The damage is already done. It's best if you just let go and concentrate on a cure. You owe him John Lupin…you owe your son his life.'

'I-' John raised his hands up helplessly and slumped back into his chair, head in his hands. 'God, Del. If I had just one chance to turn back time, I'd have gone back and accepted his offer. I would have never defied Greyback and just done what he'd asked. He'd warned me twice, but I ignored him, thinking my morals were all that mattered. And now look…shit, everything's just so fucked up.'

Del walked over to her husband, slowly enveloping him into a hug. 'The past doesn't matter anymore, sweetheart. What we have to worry about is the present. John, this isn't going to be easy.'

John nodded. 'No, it isn't. I've decided, Del. As soon as they let him out, we're moving, far away from here, away from these people, away from Greyback, away from everything.'

* * *

 


	2. Strange and Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**12 Grimmauld Place…** _

Orion Black set the paper down, disgruntled, and proceeded to attack his bacon with newfound vengeance. 'Another werewolf attack, why am I not surprised?' he told to no one in particular, readily assuming that his wife would be listening. 'I don't know who's more despicable: these disgusting half breeds or the ministry, who can't find hide or hair of the one responsible for this anarchy for over five years.'

Sirius looked up from his plate and at his father, whose plate stabbing had gotten even more vicious by the end of his little speech. Anyone looking from outside would have thought Orion Black was furious over the death of so many innocent people. Sirius knew better and from the conversation that followed next, apparently, so did his wife, Walburga Black.

'The Ministry of Magic has been a disgrace ever since Barrywaters decided to step in,' she said absentmindedly glancing at her husband. 'What's worse is that most of the victims were children, pureblood at that. If this keeps up, there'll be no difference between us and those filthy muggles.'

Sirius bit his lip and concentrated on making little patterns with pieces of leftover toast. The conversation in particular would have been interesting had he not been hearing about it continuously for the past few months. It was always, how the wizarding world was getting tainted with 'those filthy mudbloods', and how 'those half breeds' needed to be hung as soon as they were born and so on, and so forth. Boring, really.

Werewolves had been the hot topic for the past few weeks now and for once, Sirius agreed with his parents. His tutor, Harad Felis had briefed him enough on dark creatures for him to know what kind of beasts werewolves were. According to Sirius, they were the vilest of dark creatures, who didn't have an ounce of self control over their blood thirst. They were lowly and inhumane and it was beyond him why the ministry allowed such creatures to even breathe, let alone work or educate themselves.

Walburga Black immediately noticed her eldest son, fiddling with his food and rapped his knuckles lightly with her cane. 'Don't play with your food, boy.'

Sirius rolled his eyes, but complied. 'Yes, mother.'

'Honestly, Sirius, has Harad taught you nothing?'

Sirius bit back a sharp retort. He knew better than to argue with his mother, especially if he wanted some peace and quiet in the house. After all, mischief was easier to manage without a constant racket.

He hastily swallowed the last of his breakfast and put down his fork. 'Mother, could I be excused?'

His mother nodded absent mindedly, too engaged in the topic of 'filthy half breeds' and 'disgraceful ministry' to particularly care. It seemed, thought Sirius, that his parents's passion for mockery and disdain of those below them was the only thing that kept them together. It definitely wasn't love, that he was sure of.

Sirius quickly got up from his chair, before his mother could spot another flaw in her eldest son and start her daily rants. On the way out, however, his eyes fell on the Daily Prophet where the words 'Werewolf Attack' was emblazoned in black bold letters. He stopped and stared at the headlines for a while, before looking back up at his mother.

'Mother, could I borrow the paper?' he asked, his hand already clutching the edge of it.

Walburga Black waved a dismissive hand. 'Do as you wish and while you're at it, see if Kreacher has remembered to feed Regulus. Sometimes I think that child is more trouble than he's worth.'

Sirius nodded, snatched the paper from the table, and proceeded to walk gracefully out of the kitchen. Once he reached the stairs, however, he broke into a run, ignoring Regulus's room and quickly entering his own. Kreacher was more than efficient in his daily duties. He didn't need Sirius's supervision. Besides, Regulus causing a commotion was only an added advantage to him because it meant that he could carry on with his work without being under scrutiny for the rest of the day.

Locking the door, he flopped on his bed and spread the paper before him. It wasn't the attacks in particular that intrigued Sirius. Hell, he didn't give a damn if a couple of snot nosed brats died as long as he was safe and sound. Besides, the Prophet often used words that were beyond the vocabulary of an ordinary six year old, even if they had been tutored by Harad Felis.

No, what had managed to capture Sirius Black's attention that particular day was the colour photograph that accompanied the news of the attack. It was of a small boy, sleeping peacefully on one of the beds in Mungo's. Most of his face was hidden and buried deep within the recesses of his pillow, but you could still make out the beginnings of an angry red scar on his neck before it disappeared completely beneath the sheets. His honey coloured hair contrasted horribly with his skin, which was so pale that it seemed like he was trying to outdo the white of the sheets draped over him.

Sirius watched in awe as the boy's chest rose and fell continuously. Entranced, he ran a single finger over the boy's picture. _Strange, yet…_ And just for a second there, Sirius felt something akin to sympathy. It was a new feeling, and he never got the chance to explore it because he was rudely interrupted by a healer coming in front of the camera and shouting what Sirius could only imagine as obscenities.

Sirius blinked quickly. Once, twice, then shrugged and took out a pair of scissors from his desk drawer. He carefully cut the picture out, making sure he didn't rip the sides. He fumbled in his drawer again, this time coming out with a book he'd nicked from the library:  _Dark Arts at its Finest_. He hadn't really understood much of it, but he was sure it would come in handy once he was older. For now, the title sounded cool and he wanted to keep it as an act of defiance against his parents.

Sirius looked at the picture one last time, disappointed that the healer had not moved by much and that he could only catch a small glimpse of the mysterious occupant in the bed. He sighed heavily and placed it in between the pages of the book, never to open it for another six years. He didn't know why he was saving this picture in particular but right then, it had seemed important, like the boy was a vital part of his life. The key to a hidden lock…

* * *

 


	3. Come Undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Lupin Cottage…** _

Remus Lupin woke up on a Saturday morning to the sound of his parents screaming downstairs in the kitchen. He shifted uncomfortably on his bed and pulled his pillow over his head, trying and failing to block out the noise. He had stayed up all night watching  _Dracula_  for the fifth time, and had every intention to make up for the lost sleep. His parents, on the other hand seemed completely oblivious to his discomfort.

What was worse was that you couldn't even make out what they were rowing so furiously about. The thick oak door of his room made sure of that. Instead, all that could be heard was a buzzing incomprehensible noise, like bad static on the radio.

Remus turned on his side and immediately regretted it as a sharp pain shot through him. Last week's transformation had been anything but merciful on him and this time, he seemed to be taking longer than usual to heal. After all, magical maladies could only do so much, and the few that did have better effects were recently banned by the ministry for werewolves to use. Needless to say, John Lupin had been outraged. The scene that followed expressed clearly just  _how_  outraged John had been and is better left unsaid, for the sake of those with weak hearts.

Remus scrunched his eyes shut. It was useless now, he concluded. He was never going to get any sleep at this rate, especially since his bladder decided right then that it would be a good time for release. He got up gingerly; cursing himself for being foolish enough to even consider lying down on his side. God, it  _hurt_.

He stumbled into the bathroom sleepily and after he'd finished his business, took out his toothbrush and toothpaste from the mirror cabinet. As he closed the cabinet door, he caught his reflection in the mirror and quickly reopened it again. Remus hated his reflection with a passion. Hated it, because every time he looked at himself, he could see the wolf staring ferociously through his eyes. His mother had told him off for it several times, saying that it was all in his head and that a handsome boy like him should want to keep a mirror in front of his face all day.

_What would she know? She was a muggle, a psychiatrist, and a_ _mother_ _…_

Remus Lupin was not stupid. He knew how incomplete he was. How he was stuck between the worlds of man and beast. His life here on earth was unjustified and no matter how much his parents tried to make him think otherwise, he was smart enough to know the truth.

The people who knew him hated him, and those who didn't…well, Remus hated them. It wasn't like he was antisocial. Quite the contrary, Remus had the privilege to go to a good muggle school and had quite a handful of friends who truly cared for him. However, if he ever told them who he truly was, he'd only get laughed at. They would never know, never understand.

Remus shook his head as he walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs. Eleven year olds were not meant to have thoughts like these. It was bad enough that he was a werewolf, he didn't need another label to claim him as psychologically disturbed as well.

His bare feet padded silently across the carpeted stairs, and he yawned widely, unable to believe that his parents were still rowing.  _It must be something serious._  He'd almost tuned their voices out, when he heard his name being mentioned and peeked through the kitchen door cautiously, making sure he was well out of sight.

John Lupin was pacing holes into the floor, running his fingers repeatedly through his hair. 'You have to understand Del, I had talked to Dippet about this before, and he had assured me that Remus would never be able to get in! And now, Dumbledore comes to us  _personally_  with the offer of a lifetime! We can't just refuse!' He banged his fist, frustrated, against the kitchen table.

Delilah Lupin looked at her husband incredulously. 'You talked to Dippet? When?'

John sat down heavily on a nearby chair. 'A year ago. I know how you feel about this, Del,' he said before his wife could speak again. 'But I couldn't just sit back and do nothing about it. I had to know...know if he could ever get into Hogwarts. He such a smart boy, and he deserves so much more…'

Del moved behind him to rest both hands on her husband's shoulders, massaging them comfortingly. 'I know, sweetheart. But look what magic got us…Remus…into last time. I-I just can't risk that all over again, not when we've finally got everything settled out. I just want Remus to grow up like a normal boy. Go to college, become an accountant, or a doctor, or something.'

John shook his head. 'Magic is in his blood, Del, stronger than most children his age…given his condition. You can't just push it away.'

'No, but I can protect him from it.' She bit her lip. 'John, even if we do let him go, can you imagine the amount of prejudice he has to face? People are going to hurt him, and I'm not talking about physical pain alone.'

John looked at his wife pleadingly. 'Dumbledore will be taking precautions. No one's ever to know. Remus would be passing off as any other normal boy his age. Please, Del, he deserves a chance.'

Del looked at him uncertainly. 'I-'

On the other side of the room, Remus's mind was whirring. He was being accepted into Hogwarts? By this Dumbledore man? And no one would find out about him being a werewolf. What was the problem then? Why did his mother oppose to the idea so much? He was being given the opportunity to learn magic, to be the wizard he was born to be, to be among his own people? Who in their right minds would refuse such an offer?

 _Hogwarts_ , thought Remus again. All those stories his father had shared about his childhood; he could see if they were all true.

Remus Lupin had made his decision right then. So setting, what he hoped was a determined expression on his face, he walked in. His parents stopped mid conversation and looked at him, startled at the strange gleam in his eyes.

'Mom,' he said slowly. 'Dad, I want to go.'

And for the parents of an only child, that was all it took.

* * *

 


	4. Away from the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts Express, Platform 9 ¾ …** _

Remus watched with growing apprehension as the last few passengers boarded the Hogwarts Express. His father had helped him up with his own trunk before leaving and even though it seemed like years, it was only a few minutes ago when he'd successfully managed to find a seat. He wished his mother could have been there too, but being a muggle, she couldn't get past the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

He had been sitting alone for quite sometime until an older boy had come in and asked if any of the seats were taken. Remus had said no of course, relieved that he had some company. However, if Remus had been expecting any sort of information or reassurance from this boy, he was sadly disappointed because the boy had fallen asleep as soon as he'd settled down.

Remus turned away from the window and stared at the sliding door to the compartment. He could see a badly distorted image of himself on the shiny metal and inwardly smiled to himself.  _Quite an improvement, Remus Lupin._ To his distaste, he could even make out the reflection of the tiny sapphire hanging around his neck. He had tried to remove it before, but his mother had slapped his hand lightly and told him that it was considered good luck to hang your birthstone across your neck.  _It's not good luck, it's a bully magnet._ His father had just laughed loudly at the sight and charmed the damn thing, just in case he tried to take it off again.

 _Sometimes_ , Remus thought,  _I think my parents do it on purpose, just to watch me suffer._

Of course, he knew better. If anything, Remus Lupin's parents smothered him like there was no tomorrow, especially John Lupin. For reasons Remus could not understand, his father always held himself responsible for his injuries during the full moon. He'd be bursting through the doors of the garage at the crack of dawn, trying to heal his son's mangled body and holding back dry sobs at the same time. Delilah Lupin had even once admitted at being astounded at how someone as rigid as John Lupin could be reduced to an emotional mess at the very mention of his son. It was a psychological anomaly, she'd declared. And of course, there would be times when his parents would just come up to his room all of a sudden and hold him in a tight embrace, or tell him how much they loved him, and if there was anything he wanted,  _anything at all,_  all he had to do was ask, and they'd give it to him.

To any normal child, these gestures would have seemed suffocating, overwhelming at the most. Remus suspected it was one of Delilah Lupin's experimental therapies, but he wasn't the one to complain. After all, he was anything but normal. There was no way of putting it subtly, the world hated people like him, and he knew for a fact that he was not going to receive any sort of affection from them. So, he craved their love and when his parents got their sudden attacks of overwhelming affection, he clung on to them and returned their embraces and small declarations of love.

But here he was again, diverting away from the topic.  _I think too much_ , Remus concluded, before turning his head back to the window.

He got the shock of his life when his father's face suddenly loomed up in front of him. When he'd picked himself up from the floor, his father grinned back at him. His face was a bright red and his hair stuck out at odd angles, as if he'd been running all the way here. Remus grinned back and placed his hand, palm facing outwards, on the glass. His father returned the gesture, pressing his own hand against Remus's. And for the first time, Remus realised how small and insignificant he really was. He'd always thought of himself tall for his age, but his father's hand was massive against his; rough and callused from all these years of hard work. A few of them were battle scars, from his days as an auror, long before he was demoted. Remus stared at his own hand, smooth and pale in comparison. It barely came up to his father's central lifeline.

The whistle of the train rang noisily across the platform, and Remus's smile fell to a frown, as he rested his head on the smooth glass of the window. John Lupin stared into those soft amber eyes, and he let his hand slide, caressing his son's face through the thin glass.

'Love you,' he mouthed before moving away, and Remus nodded.

Remus's eyes followed his father even after the train had started moving. He'd watched and waved to a point until the figure of John Lupin had reduced to nothing but a black dot and finally, just air.

* * *

 

'Aunt Walburga!' squealed the blond figure of Narcissa from afar. 'It's so wonderful to see you.'

Sirius cringed at the shrill tone of his cousin's voice and watched distastefully as she kissed his mother's bony cheeks. Narcissa Black was  _the_  most annoying cousin to be born on the surface of the earth. She was beautiful, yes, but she was also nasally, high pitched, and incredibly stupid.  _The very definition of a dumb blonde._ Sirius figured she had a good heart in there somewhere, deep, deep, deep inside. That's what Andromeda said anyway.

When Walburga Black smiled, it never reached her eyes. 'Cissa, you look positively lovely. How are you?'

Narcissa smiled charmingly, displaying a full set of shiny white teeth. 'Never better. As you know, I'll be completing Hogwarts this year and already, mother has started preparing for the marriage. She can hardly contain herself. '

Mrs. Black waved a dismissive hand. 'Ah, yes, of course. How is Lucius, then?'

Narcissa's face lit up like the sun as she nodded vigorously. 'He's well, thank you.'

'And Bella?'

Narcissa frowned a bit, distorting her pretty face. 'I don't know. She seems to be quite fond of Lestrange, but I personally don't share the feeling. He's a little too…' She scrunched up her face even more, trying to think of a suitable word to describe her sister's husband. 'Loud,' she concluded inanely.

 _Takes one to know one_ , thought Sirius and chuckled a bit.

Narcissa's eyes immediately darted down to Sirius, and she emitted by far, the most earsplitting squeal imaginable. Even Walburga Black, who was known to be as rigid as stone, cringed. She would have to talk to Kiera Black about Narcissa's behaviour. Honestly, the child had no sense of dignity whatsoever.

Narcissa bent down and pinched Sirius's cheeks hard. 'My god, look how cute you've gotten!'

Sirius shoved her hand away roughly, and Walburga Black inwardly beamed at the gesture. Haughty, egoistic, and rude – Sirius was going to be the perfect Black heir, unlike Narcissa…

'I am  _not_  cute,' he huffed, standing straight to make himself seem taller.

'Now, now, Sirius. Cissa is only trying to be nice,' his mother reprimanded, but she was smiling.

'Well,' he shot back. ' _Cissa_  has chosen the wrong person to be nice to.'

Narcissa watched her cousin fold his arms over his chest haughtily and stare at her with eyes that could make a grown man cringe.  _Brat,_ she thought,  _if it wasn't for your mother's will, I would have stabbed you the day you were born._

Walburga Black put a hand on Sirius's shoulder and looked at Narcissa with smouldering grey eyes. 'Sirius will be joining Hogwarts this year. Another Slytherin in the family, no doubt,' she said proudly. 'I trust you'll be taking good care of him?'

Sirius snorted, before Cissa could reply. 'Mother, she can hardly form coherent speech. Surely you do not intend to entrust the life of your eldest son in the hands of someone so incompetent.'

Walburga Black tried very hard not to smile at the look of incredulity on Narcissa's face. It wasn't that the Blacks were misbehaved. In fact, every Black in the family is tutored in proper etiquette and language at the age of four. No, the Blacks were quite courteous, thank you very much. They just happened to have a  _slight_  intolerance for people below their standards.

'I'll be leaving now,' said Mrs. Black, dusting imaginary dust from the shoulder of her robes. 'I have an urgent meeting to attend to. Do pass on my regards to your parents and tell them to spare me a visit once they're done with the wedding plans.'

Narcissa nodded, fighting the urge to strangle her young cousin right there on the platform. She watched her aunt leave through the barrier, black robes billowing gracefully behind her. She had always wondered how her Aunt Walburga managed this with such ease and without any kind of wind at that. The last time she tried something like that, she'd ended up sprawled on the ground.

She reached out a hand to her cousin and sighed heavily. 'Come, Sirius. Let me help you up the train.'

Sirius did not take her hand. 'I can make it on my own, thank you. Now, run along and sing around trees, or whatever it is you Neanderthals do in your spare time,' he said before walking away.

The Hogwarts Express, Sirius concluded at the end of the day, was boring. It posed very little opportunities for mischief and was just like sitting in a cardboard box on wheels. He had ended up sharing a compartment with a small blond boy, who had snot running down his front like a tap.  _Disgusting._  If that had not been enough, the boy's entire family had put up a theatrical show by entering into the compartment and crying over each other, making sick little declarations of love and pride.

His mother had been right after all. The wizarding world was truly going downhill.

It had gotten so bad at a point, that Sirius had actually gotten up to find another empty compartment. To his dismay, he had found none. Well, that was not entirely the truth. There had been one with only a single occupant in it. The boy (or girl. One could never tell with such long hair) had been staring outside, so Sirius had never gotten the opportunity to see his face, but at that moment, when he had looked through the small glass window of the door, he had had a flash. A vision of white sheets and angry red scars. It sounded stupid now but back then, Sirius had been scared for reasons unknown to him. So scared, that he had run back to his initial compartment, and tolerated the ongoing family drama, until the whistle mercifully blew.

* * *

 


	5. Minor Earth, Major Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Gryffindor boy's dormitory, Hogwarts…** _

Remus slowly walked out of the shower, taking his time to towel his hair dry. He was in dire need of a haircut, but refrained from it in an attempt to cover the long red scar that ran from his neck and all the way across his shoulder. It was the only one that his father had not been able to heal and served as a constant reminder of what he truly was.

He entered the room to see two of his new roommates already chatting away with each other – Potter and Pettigrew, if his memory served him correctly. The third, by the name of Sirius Black was too busy grumbling and unpacking his belongings to pay any heed to his new roommates. He'd been like that since the sorting and Remus really saw no reason for his dark mood.

Being in Gryffindor was a like a dream come true for Remus. Being a dark creature, he had been sure of his place in Slytherin. His father, John Lupin, had told him countless stories about how half the people he'd caught during his auror days had been former Slytherins.  _'Rotten apples, those, Remus, steer right into Dark Arts,'_  he had said at that time, with all the seriousness in the world. Remus Lupin didn't want to be a bad person; didn't want to end up in Azkaban; didn't want his parents to be ashamed of him.

The sound of a throat clearing broke Remus out of his reverie, and he turned around to see Black glaring at all of them impatiently. Actually, the boy seemed to have his eyes fixed on Remus specifically. Remus casually slung his towel over his shoulder to make sure his scar was well hidden.

Black scowled. 'Classes start tomorrow and I'd actually like to get a good night's sleep,' he said in an English accent so refined that it took Remus a while to understand the words coming out of his mouth. 'So, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you brats kept your mouths shut.' Black looked at Remus one last time before getting into his bed and drawing his curtains shut.

'What a prat!' exclaimed Potter getting up from his own bed and opening his trunk. 'Just because he's a Black, he thinks he's king of the world. Shut up, my arse. I'll make all the noise I want. It's my room too, you know,' he breathed heavily after his rant and stopped, only then realising that there was another occupant in the room besides Pettigrew. He looked at Remus curiously and then smiled. 'Hi, Remus, right?'

Remus smiled and nodded, but didn't say anything else. He quickly climbed into his own bed and closed the drapes tightly shut before he got questioned further. He heard Potter mutter something that sounded very much like ' _stuck up pricks'_  and closed his eyes. Remus hated being so… _abnormal_.

That night, Remus was plagued with nightmares. Of his earlier transformations, of his first few weeks in the hospital, but mostly of the last conversation he'd had with his father before coming to Hogwarts.

_John Lupin affectionately moved the hair covering his son's eyes. 'You nervous?' he asked, the hint of a smile playing on his face._

_Remus shook his head, then decided against it and nodded._

_John threw his head back and laughed. However, he quickly stopped when he saw his boy's face reddening and pulled him into a tight embrace._

' _Hogwarts is a great place, Remus,' his father whispered into his hair. 'And this…this is your one chance to prove everyone wrong, to show them all how special you truly are…'_

_Remus nodded weakly, his tiny arms coming up to encircle his father's broad shoulders._

' _That's why your lycanthropy has to be a secret, Remus. No one can ever know, do you understand that?' John looked into those large amber eyes for reassurance._

_Remus nodded again. 'Yeah.'_

' _It'll get lonely, Remus. So lonely that sometimes you'll feel like curling up and dying, but you'll have to be strong and fight it. Because they can never get close enough to find out.' John swallowed hard. He felt like he was announcing his own son's death sentence. 'If they knew…I-' he cursed himself for choking on his words. Now that he'd finally gotten to the point of this conversation, he was too much of a coward to actually say it. How do you tell your son that his life was doomed from the very start? How do you subject him to a life alone, at the tender age of eleven? So instead, he hugged him even tighter. So tight, that you could almost hear a bone crack. 'I'm sorry,' he said slowly. 'I'm so sorry…If I -sorry…'_

_And that's how they'd both stayed until Delilah Lupin had entered the room and pulled her husband off their son. Even then, John Lupin had never stopped apologising._

* * *

 

Laying there on the bed, listening to Potter rant about what an arse he was, Sirius fought the mad urge to punch something really hard. He'd known from the instant, back in the train, when he'd felt snot leaking all over his expensive new robes, that Hogwarts was not going to be the most pleasant experience. But this… _this_  was just too much.

Mother was going to kill him, reincarnate him, and kill him again. Father, well, let's not get to that. How the hell had he ended up in Gryffindor? What in hell's name possessed the damn Sorting Hat to send him, of all people, here - in a house of love, friendship, bravery and all that ridiculous shit. He must have done or said something wrong, but what? Sirius tried to recall the conversation he'd had on the stool with the sorting hat rammed down his head.

' _Ah, another Black. No doubt, old Slughorn will be ecstatic. But wait, you're different, aren't you? The Black sheep of the family,' the hat had chuckled at it's own wit._

_Sirius has rolled his eyes and snapped irritably, 'Shut up and get on with it. If I'm lucky, I won't have to sit beside Cissa, and her cronies.'_

' _Temper, Mr. Black, is your only drawback, isn't it?'_

_Sirius had gone bright red at that. 'Shut up.'_

' _Well, it's been a lovely chat, but there's a long line behind you, so I might as well announce you're house, eh?'_

' _Finally.'_

' _GRYFFINDOR!'_

' _WHAT?'_

Sirius's voice had echoed in the hall so loudly, that the very few who had bothered to clap, stopped mid applause. Sirius could still remember the smug grin on Narcissa's face and Mc Gonagall's amused, but impatient one as she pushed him towards the Gryffindor table.

And if that hadn't been bad enough, Sirius had ended up being dorm mates with a Potter – the biggest blood traitors to grace the surface of the earth after the Weasleys, and the snot boy wonder from the train. The only decent occupant seemed to be a peaky looking boy called Lupin.

But he too, was undeniably creepy. His eyes were too large, Sirius had concluded, too large and amber, like molten gold or a blazing fire. Those eyes had never flinched under his gaze. Not once, and Sirius's gaze was known to make even grown men shiver. No, instead, the boy had stared right back. His expression had not been adamant, just mildly curious. Then, there was his hair. It was long, like a girl's, and even that changed from brown, to blonde, to red, depending on how the light hit it. There was definitely something strange about that boy and even though he hadn't spoken a word since he came, Sirius felt an odd connection with him. If he listened closely, it was almost as if he could hear the pieces of an incomplete puzzle clicking together in a perfect fit.

Sirius rolled over and banished all such thoughts clear from his mind. He had to face it whether he liked it or not; Gryffindor was now his new home.

* * *

 

A week had passed since Sirius first came to Hogwarts, and he'd come to one definite conclusion: Remus Lupin was a bastard. Remus Lupin was a good for nothing, goody two shoes, bona-fide  _bastard_. At a first glance, Sirius had assumed that Lupin, judging by his tired boyish looks, would be a quiet, kind, sweet and gentle sort of person. He'd been right. However, he had also forgotten to add, sarcastic and manipulative to the list. The boy seemed to know exactly what ticked Sirius off, today's incident being a prime example.

He'd gotten another letter from his mother this morning, elaborating on what a disgrace he was and how he was expected to atleast keep up his grades to make up for the shame he'd brought upon to the family. She'd concluded the damn thing by saying that it would be preferable if he didn't turn up for the Black Christmas Dinner since they were in no mood of seeing his face at the moment.

Sirius didn't care. Christmas at Grimmauld place was boring anyway, and you always had to mind your manners, and act all nice, and listen to a load of old people talking politics. Dinner at Hogwarts would be just great, he told himself firmly. So what if he hadn't managed to make any friends? He would manage just fine. It wasn't his fault that half the people in Gryffindor avoided him just because he was a Black or an occasional prick…

As much as he'd try to reassure himself, by the end of the day, Sirius was still in an exceptionally bad mood, and he'd made sure he took it out on everyone who dared cross his path. One such unfortunate first year was bold or at least stupid enough to do so, and Sirius had unthinkingly shoved her away on his way to Transfiguration. He hadn't meant to hurt her, not really, but apparently, she'd crashed head first into the person in front of her.

'Black,' a voice from behind. It was low and hardly intimidating, but at the same time, there was an invisible hand forcing him to look.

Sirius rolled his eyes agitatedly and turned around, only to come face to face with the last person he wanted to see. 'Lupin,' he bit back sharply.

Lupin smiled sweetly and helped the girl up. 'You forgot to apologise.'

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and looked into Lupin's eyes, challenging him. 'Oh? What for?'

Sirius had expected Lupin to ignore him, lash out, call him names, or maybe even go to the extent of beating him up. He did not, however, expect him to continue smiling like…like he was a  _friend_ …like he actually cared for Sirius. It wasn't mockery. No, it was worse. It was  _sympathy_.

'For wrongly directing your anger, grief, and misfortune,' he said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Sirius felt his face burning up. Lupin had hit home and he, Sirius black, couldn't think of a single sharp retort or witty thing to say. And to his ultimate chagrin, Sirius noted that the girl was still clinging on to Lupin like a lifeline, despite being perfectly capable of standing up herself. This was turning out to be some kind of lame fairy tale, where Lupin was the knight in shining armour and Sirius was the Jack who turned evil, but forgot to take off his bonnet.

Sirius's lip quivered as he fought an internal battle. He could feel the eyes of a gathering crowd boring into him, waiting for his reply. 'Sorry,' he said finally through clenched teeth and turned to walk away. He could almost hear the imaginary applause of the hundreds of students that had been watching the show.

He'd hardly taken four steps forwards when Lupin called him again. 'Black, wait up!' He caught up with Sirius and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Sirius shrugged his hand off. 'I said I was sorry, Lupin. What do you want now?'

Lupin's looked right into his eyes and smiled that annoying smile again. 'I wanted to apologise.'

Sirius raised an eyebrow. 'Apologise?'  _What a nutter._ 'For what, exactly?'  _Being such an annoying brat? I accept. You may now beg for mercy._

Lupin shrugged. 'Just…you know…it seemed like I had to.' He walked away then; leaving Sirius more confused that ever.

 _What the hell did he have to apologise for?_  What kind of nice idiot apologised after embarrassing a person in front of nearly the entire school and making them look like a total arse? Why the hell did that damn brat have to make things so complicated? He was either supposed to be downright nasty, or wimpishly nice.  _But nooo…_ Lupin had to be all sweet and smiley even when he was being mean. _Stupid arse_.

Sirius trudged his way up the stairs, running a frustrated hand through his hair. This sort of retarded behaviour shouldn't be bothering him. He was a Black after all, uncaring and unfeeling of others. Yet, it did. And it wasn't in a bad sort of way. Infact, a very irrational part of him found this mysterious side of Lupin quite endearing.

* * *

 

Remus ran his hand across the spines of all the books that lined the third shelf. This was his first trip to the school library and though he wasn't much of a reader, he'd figured now would be as good a time to start as any, especially since he intended to spend seven years of his life here alone.

 _Alone…_ He felt a sharp twinge in his chest at the thought. Like s _olitary confinement, only I'm here willingly,_ he told himself silently _. It's what muggles use to keep nutters under control, isn't it?_ Remus smiled bitterly.  _Seems like God has a sense of humour after all._

'Hi!' A cheery voice broke him out of his reverie.

Remus jumped. His mind took some time to register back to the present, and he realised that he'd been staring at  _My Pet Flobberworm_ for over five minutes. He blinked a few times and carded thin fingers through his hair, before turning around towards the source of the voice.  _Who in the world would want to talk to me?_  To his surprise, he came face to face with nothing at all. Remus frowned.  _What the hell?_

'You're Remus Lupin, right?'

Once again, the voice caught Remus by surprise, but this time he recovered quickly and looked  _down._ A small girl was staring up at him with the most brilliant green eyes he had ever seen. She curled a strand of her long red hair between her fingers and pursed her lips tightly as she awaited his reply.

Remus nodded and immediately, she split into a grin so wide, Remus thought it was going to fall off her face. He smiled back hesitantly, unsure of what was going on. At his look of hesitation, the girl's smile, if possible, grew, and Remus took a few cautious steps backwards until his back met the shelf. Was there something on his face? Why was she staring at him like that? He unconsciously tugged at the collar of his shirt, hoping and praying that his scar was well hidden.

'Er…I'm sorry, but do I know you?' he asked, cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment. He wished she'd stop looking at him.

The girl looked down, fiddled with her hair for a moment and then looked back up again. She was cute, Remus noted, when she wasn't grinning at him like a mad idiot. 'No, I don't think you do. We've never met, but I'm in Gryffindor, too.'

Remus smiled and looked pointedly at the red and gold emblem stitched to the chest of her black Hogwarts robes. 'Yeah, I figured that much.'

This time, it was the girl's turn to be embarrassed and she smiled sheepishly. 'I'm Lily Evans. It's a pleasure meeting you, Remus.' She stuck her hand out.

'Likewise.' Remus shook her hand and cringed inwardly when he noticed her gazing at him piercingly, as if scrutinizing his every detail.

'You're really tall, aren't you?' she concluded distractedly, letting go of his hand. 'I mean, for a boy your age. My friends at Hufflepuff – we haven't had a class with them yet – they thought you were a second year.'

Remus blinked. He wasn't sure of what to say. Was being thought of as a second year a compliment? There was no denying he was quite tall, perhaps the tallest in his year. It was just one of the few things that came with being a werewolf.

Lily Evans seemed to pay no heed to Remus's silence and continued conversing animatedly. 'Anyway, I was looking up a few reference books for Charms back there and saw you standing here by yourself. So I thought I should come up and talk to you.'

 _Why?_  thought Remus. But he opted to keep his thoughts to himself. She seemed really nice, and he didn't really want to put her down. So he smiled instead, in what he hoped was a reassuring sort of way.

It must have worked because Lily smiled and seated herself on a nearby chair. 'Actually, I wanted to thank you for standing up for my friend, Clarissa, earlier today.' She set down the books she'd been carrying on the table and blew off the dust from the cover.

Remus coughed. 'Clarissa?'

Lily huffed. 'Yeah, the girl Black had shoved away so rudely. Honestly, that boy is a menace! I can't believe they put him in Gryffindor. It's obvious he belongs in Slytherin.'

It took a moment for Remus to stop coughing and realise what she was talking about. He hadn't actually given the incident much thought since it happened. Really, it was no big deal. 'You shouldn't be so hasty in judging Black.' Remus found himself defending the ill tempered boy. Why he was doing so, he had no idea. 'He didn't mean it. He's just been having a tough time lately.'

Lily looked at him skeptically. 'You know him?'

Remus bit his lip. 'I-' He shook his head dejectedly. 'No.'

Lily smiled, and shook her head.'Listen, a couple of us have decided to study together in the library this weekend, and Clarissa never got the chance to thank you. So I was wondering if you wanted to join us, you know? It might sound sort of boring, but in truth, we hardly study much, and it's really quite fun.'

Remus had almost said yes. Almost, until his father's voice echoing through his mind stopped him.  _They can never get close enough to find out._  'I'm sorry, Lily, I'd love to come, but I've already got plans this weekend. I hope you don't mind.'

Lily's face fell with disappointment and she hastily replied to cover her distress. 'It's okay. It doesn't matter really. Some other time then?' she asked uncertainly.

Remus nodded and smiled softly. 'That would be nice,' he said, knowing there would never be another time.

* * *

 

 


	6. Bitter Sweet Symphony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, first year…** _

Sirius quickly sat down on his chair and tried on his most innocent expression. This wasn't one of his most brilliant plans, but he figured he'd go easy on Lupin the first time. Sirius had come early to class just to make sure he could set up his little plan in peace; so he was alone in the classroom.

Lupin was going to pay.  _For what,_ asked a traitorous part of his mind. Sirius frowned. What sort of question was that? The answer was quite obvious, wasn't it?  _Just_   _because…_ supplied another part of his mind, and that was as far as his answer went.  _Ha! You don't know, do you?_ Sirius growled low in his throat.  _Shut up and concentrate._

Sirius squinted his eyes, trying to look closely at the base of Lupin's regular seat from his own. There was a minor flaw in the plan but it was hardly noticeable. It was only when you looked really hard that you saw a rectangular piece of parchment on the seat, the words 'Fat Arse' written in big bold letters. A sub standard prank, if you didn't consider the fact that it would stick to anything it came in contact with for the next six hours. And removing your robes wasn't going to do any good. Sirius grinned. He could have improvised a bit of course, but he had very little patience for research and Charms had never truly been his strong point. This would just have to do for now.

 _Where is that brat?_ As soon as Sirius thought it, the door to the classroom flung open and a handful of students ambled in, Lupin being the first. He was reading what looked like his homework assignment, quill between his teeth and a look of deep concentration on his face.

Sirius grimaced.  _Nerd._

Lupin stopped mid step and turned his head slightly, sensing Sirius's unwavering gaze upon him. Sirius didn't bother looking away. If he did, it would only prove that he was guilty of something. So instead, he looked Lupin straight in the eye and cocked a sardonic eyebrow. To his utmost annoyance, Lupin  _smiled_.

_Look at him. Smiling like I'm some kind of circus clown here to entertain him. Stupid git._

Sirius scowled in reply and Lupin chuckled quietly before looking away and walking towards his seat.

_I hate you. I hate you so much._

Sirius was distracted from his thoughts of hatred when a very pompous Horace Slughorn burst into the room, probably in an attempt to make a grand entry. Sirius didn't like him either. He was a sensible enough teacher but an extremely annoying suck up. Slughorn knew all the prestigious wizarding families and students who would succeed in life and took no shame in exploiting them. Unsurprisingly, Sirius had been asked to join his Butterfly or something club on the very first week of school. Naturally, he had declined. He was in no mood for old woman tea parties and politics.

Sirius glanced at his watch. The class seemed be dragging on and on, and Sirius tapped his foot impatiently. He wanted this class to end fast, so that he could get a good look at Lupin's butt.  _Well, that didn't sound right._

After what seemed like ages, the bell rang, and Sirius practically jumped off his seat. No sooner had he got up, that a large crowd of students passed by right in front of him.  _Damn it, move!_ But by the time, he'd pushed his way out, Lupin had already gone.

Sirius punched the air. 'Shit!'

Suddenly, a hand rested on his shoulder and a soft voice whispering in his ear caused Sirius to shiver. 'You need to work harder than that, Black.'

Then the hand disappeared, leaving Sirius feeling confused and strangely empty. He watched in awe as Lupin passed by him, bottom free of parchment and a sly grin on his face. How-? What the-? Where was-? But I-

And then, Sirius's eyes caught sight of Slughorn's behind and that was when he nearly fainted. There it was, mid centre, in big bold letter and a much better description of Slughorn's hindquarters than Lupin's.

* * *

 

'SIRIUS BLACK!'

Sirius's fork clattered to the floor as Professor Mc Gonagall grabbed him roughly by the ear.

'CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS?' she asked, shoving a tattered piece of parchment into his face.

Sirius's eyes darted from the crowd of students, (who had stopped their chattering to watch the commotion), to Mc Gonagall (whose lip had reduced to a thin line), and then finally on the big bold print in front of his face.  _Fat Arse_ , he read and chuckled mentally.

Sirius turned towards her, looked her directly in the eye, and gave her his most charming smile. 'Surely a person of your calibre would know the meaning of such crude language, Professor,' he said innocently.

Mc Gonagall's lip completely disappeared then. 'Don't be smart with me, Mr. Black. I've corrected enough of your homework assignments to know what your handwriting looks like. Two weeks, Mr. Black. Two weeks, and you, and Mr. Potter have managed to give me a hernia painful enough to last me a lifetime.'

Sirius opened his mouth to argue. That the damn parchment wasn't meant for Slughorn's fat rear, though now that he thought about it, the potions professor certainly deserved it. Bloody shoe licking hypocrite that he was.

'Ten points from Gryffindor, Black. And next time I catch you, it'll be cleaning toilets with toothbrushes for you,' she said sternly.

 _Excuse me, did you just say,_ _ **toilets**_  Sirius curled his lip in disgust. No way was he even touching a toilet seat, no matter how thin Mc Gonagall's lip got. This was a house elf's job, not a Black's.

He watched her strode out of the great hall with disdain. She reminded him too much of his mother for his liking. Merlin forbid the two should ever meet.

'You did that prank on Slughorn?' asked Potter incredulously from beside him.

Sirius glanced briefly at Lupin before fully turning towards Potter. 'I was a part of it, yes,' he replied offhandedly.

Potter swallowed a large piece of chicken in haste and grinned. 'That was bloody brilliant! Had me and Pete laughing for hours, right, mate?' He thumped Pettigrew on the back.

Sirius watched with disgust as Pettigrew choked on his food and coughed bits out.  _Cavemen, I'm surrounded by prehistoric cavemen. Merlin, what am I doing here?_

'So, what spells did you use. I heard old Sluggy couldn't get it out of his robes till Mc Googly came along.'

Sirius smiled proudly, 'Well, I-'

But he never got to complete his sentence because his eyes had caught sight of a greasy, longhaired kid walking past the Gryffindor table.  _Since when did Hogwarts allow vampires?_ The boy was pitifully skinny and pale. Not like Lupin. No, this one looked like he'd just woken up from the grave and any normal person would have ignored him after a swirly or two. But the boy, for all of his pathetic-ness actually had the audacity to mutter ' _filthy mudbloods'_ just as he passed a few of the first years, Lupin being one of them.

Later, when Sirius had asked himself why he'd been so quick to act, he'd simply told himself that Lupin was Sirius's prey alone, and like how a lion protected its prey until it was done with it, he was doing the same. But right then, Sirius was red with rage, and he instantly got up from his seat, shooting out the first incantation that came into his head, only to hear an echo of his own spell from behind him.

He looked over his shoulder, confused, only to see Potter grinning at him, wand raised and face flushed. 'I hate that kid, greasy bastard,' he muttered, lowering his wand.

They both looked at Snape who was now lying flat on the ground with boils the size of dragon eggs on his face. It was improvement; one would say…well, save for the pus.

Sirius and Potter's gaze met, and they stared at each other for a long time before dissolving into fits of laughter along with the rest of the Great Hall.

'It seems, Potter,' Sirius said, when they'd both stopped laughing to catch their breaths, 'that great minds think alike.'

Potter wiped a stray tear from his eyes. 'James,' he said reaching out a hand. 'Call me James.'

That week, Sirius had concluded, that cleaning toilets wasn't so bad when you had a friend to do it with.

* * *

 

Sirius's eyes darted around the Great Hall restlessly and he leaned up over his seat slightly to be able to look farther.  _Not there either._ He craned his neck further until he could see well over the Slytherin tables.  _Nothing._

'Whatcha lookin' for?' asked James, looking at Sirius curiously through a mouthful of potatoes.

'Lupin,' replied Sirius shortly, doing a double check on the Hufflepuff table.

'Why?' asked Peter from beside James.

Sirius sat down on his seat, defeated, and shrugged indifferently. 'He's been absent for three days. I was wondering if he'd returned.'

James frowned. 'I hadn't noticed.' He opened his mouth as if to say something further but stopped and frowned deeper, as if caught up in his thoughts.

'Don't know what you're so anxious about. It isn't the first time he's missing classes since the start of school,' said Peter, helping himself to Shepherd's pie for the third time.

Sirius was surprised that Peter had actually noticed. 'Yes, I know, but he's never been gone for over a day or two.'

James swallowed his chicken and looked at Sirius suspiciously. 'What's with you and Lupin, anyway? Ever since the first day of school, you've been tailing him. You got a crush on him or something?'

'I see you harassing Snape all the time. Do  _you_  have a crush on him?' Sirius bit back sharply.

James grinned. 'Touché.'

'Actually, I have a new prank in mind and it's begging to be tried out. And who's a better test subject than Lupin?' Sirius smiled to himself, as he fiddled with his food absent mindedly.

James frowned. 'I don't understand why you insist in picking on the bloke. I mean, Snape's a git, so my actions are justified. Lupin, on the other hand, seems like a fair enough guy. A little on the weird side, but decent just the same.'

Sirius put down his fork. 'Lupin's not weird,' he said, a little peeved.

Peter looked from Sirius to James. 'Actually, James is right.' He smiled at James's look of triumph and continued, 'Lupin avoids people like disease, spends half his time in the library, and has those weird haunted eyes that would give any sane man the heebijeebies.' Peter shivered involuntarily.

Sirius snorted. 'Pettigrew, even flobberworms gives you the  _heebijeebies_. Your word hardly qualifies as proof.'

Peter squeaked indignantly. 'Well, you can't ignore the fact that he's sick half the time and keeps needing to go back home to recover.'

James frowned. 'I thought it was his mother or someone who's sick.'

Peter shook his head. 'No. I heard McGonagall talk to Lily Evans yesterday. Lupin's really sick, so he's taken leave for a couple of days.'

Sirius felt a sudden surge or concern. Lupin must have been really unwell for the Hogwarts matron not to able to cure him. He quickly suppressed the feeling though and adopted his most blasé expression. 'Well, he'd better get better soon,' he growled. 'I need someone to prank on.'

James snorted so loud, pumpkin juice sprayed out of his nose. 'He'd kick your butt!' he said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. 'The boy's a bloody genius. I especially love the way he managed to sneak back  _your_   _own_  dung bombs under your seat last time.'

Peter laughed. 'Yeah, even Binns reacted to that. Priceless, that one.'

James imitated Professor Binns bored expression. 'Mr. Piddlewick, kindly refrain from gaseous exchange during class hours.' He banged the table as he dissolved into peals of laughter. 'Classic!'

Sirius felt the heat rise up to his face. 'Fluke,' he huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

'Ha! You can't even admit that Lupin's outsmarted every single prank you tried to pull on him.'

'I can beat Lupin any time I want to.'

James rolled his eyes, and waved off Sirius's statement. 'Please. I bet I could hex Snape five times before you manage to even touch the hair on Lupin's head.'

Sirius got up from his seat vehemently. 'Is that a challenge, Potter?'

James stood up as well, grinning. 'What if it is?'

'Then I accept. As soon as Lupin comes back to Hogwarts, I'll show you who the bloody genius is around here.'

* * *

 

For the last few months, Remus Lupin had actually been visiting the Shrieking Shack for his transformations under the excuse of visiting his sick mother. In fact, this was the first full moon he was going to spend at home since the start of school. Apparently, the ministry had sent a letter to John Lupin requesting that Remus be registered by the 15th of January, which was tomorrow.

It was good to be home, thought Remus, as he leaned against the doorframe connecting the kitchen and the living room. His father was seated on his 'special' couch, remote control to the TV in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Remus frowned. Something was definitely wrong. John Lupin was a 'special occasion cigar' sort of man. Maybe a fag or two a month, but that was as far as he went. However, there he was, ashtray piled with cigarette butts and the purifier in the corner of the room working at a mad pace to cleanse the air.

 _Talk to him, baby,_ his mother's voice said inside his head.  _There's nothing more therapeutic than baring your soul to someone._ Remus shook his head. His mother and her psycho babble.

John Lupin suddenly noticed his son standing at the doorway and broke into a large smile. 'Come on,' he said, shifting to make space beside him, 'They're showing old James Bond reruns. Wouldn't want to miss them, would we?'

Remus grinned and quickly squeezed beside his father on the couch. Instinctively, John wound his arms around his son's small shoulders, ruffling the soft brown hair near his right ear. Remus rested his head on his father's shoulder.

He'd missed this. Missed his parents' constant pampering and fussing. Missed the small affectionate gestures, and tight embraces. Mostly, he missed the small cocoon of love and warmth that his parents created for him alone.

'Dad?' said Remus, looking up the grey tendrils of smoke blowing out of his father's nose.

'Hm?'

 _Connect, baby, talk it out._ 'What do you know about the Blacks?' Remus surprised himself by asking the question. It was really not what he'd been meaning to ask.

John exhaled another ring of smoke. 'The Blacks…hm…from what I know, they're one of the oldest wizarding families and according to me, the most decent of the lot. Don't get me wrong though. They're just as rotten, rude and ostentatious as the others, but they've never been caught at doing anything illegal. They have a reputation to keep, after all. But they support the dark arts, oh yes, their beliefs are as pronounced and rigid as stone.  _Tojours Pur_ …that's their motto, I think.' He inhaled, and exhaled again. 'They're mostly harmless, as long as you stay out of their way.' John turned to his son. 'Why do you ask?'

Remus bit his lip. 'There's a Black in our year…in Gryffindor.'

John Lupin let out a chuckle. 'Well, that's unheard of. Looks like the Blacks are going soft.'

 _So that's why Black had been so upset when he was sorted to Gryffindor._ Truthfully, Remus sort of liked Sirius Black. He was a little arrogant, but his failed attempts at pranks were Remus's only source of entertainment in Hogwarts. For some reason, Remus took a sadistic pleasure in getting under Black's skin. He wasn't a friend, per se, but he was close. And of course, there was Lily Evans. She was the nicest girl in their year and seemed really focused on getting Remus to talk to her. He had finally given in to her attempts last month and allowed himself the luxury of a couple of conversations, but never more than that. He needed to be careful after all.

John and Remus had fallen into a comfortable silence after their little conversation, and Remus found himself slowly drifting off as his father continued rhythmically stroking his hair. A particularly strong waft of smoke blew into his nose, causing him to cough lightly.

John's eyes widened, and he quickly snubbed out the cigarette, rubbing circles on his son's back to soothe the cough. 'Sorry, got a little carried away. You okay?'

Remus nodded, eyes watering slightly. 'Why do you always do that?'

'Do what?' asked John, relaxing back into the sofa.

'Treat me like I'm going to break.'

John looked into his son's eyes, frowning slightly. 'Don't be ridiculous. You're one of the strongest people I know. Why would I do that?'

Remus pouted. 'You just did.'

John shook his head. 'I'm just worried about you, is all. The Werewolf registry keeps changing its rules and now, all of a sudden they come up with this new regulation where young werewolves need to register by the age of ten. And they do it just during the full moon too. It's frustrating…' he concluded.

Remus watched his father's shoulders relax slightly, and he could tell that John Lupin had been having a hard time keeping it all bottled up for so long. Maybe his mother was right after all. Talking did do some good, even if it was a bit girly.

'It's okay, dad,' he said, smiling faintly. 'You don't have to worry about me.'

John let out a bark like laugh, and he punched Remus's jaw affectionately. 'Sometimes, Remus, when I talk to you, I feel like you're years older than I am.'

Remus punched his father's arms, laughing. 'No one can be older than you, you prune-y old codger.'

'Watch your mouth, young man, or someone in this house might find their allowance missing next month.'

Remus gasped. 'You wouldn't.'

John got up from the couch and stretched. 'Don't challenge your old man, young lad.'

Remus sat up on his knees and clasped his hands in front of his chest. 'Forgive me, oh wonderful father of mine. I beg you. Spare this child of yours. He is but a foolish youth.'

John Lupin laughed and mussed Remus's hair. 'You've been reading Shakespeare, I see.' He glanced at the wall clock. 'Why don't you get some sleep, and I'll wake you up when it's time to take you to the garage, okay? You can keep the TV on if you want.'

Remus smiled, arranging himself in a comfortable position and snuggling back on the couch. 'You're letting me sleep in your 'special' couch?' he asked, eyes already half shut.

'Yes, but drool on it, and I'll hold my word about the allowance,' said John Lupin, as he slowly walked towards the stairs. The previous reserve in his eyes was now replaced with mirth, and he felt somewhat at ease now that he'd talked to his son.

'Dad?'

John stopped mid step. 'Hm?'

'I really can handle it, you know.'

John Lupin turned to face his son, who was peeking from behind the back of the couch. 'I know you can,' he replied sincerely. 'The question is, can I?'

* * *

 


	7. If You Can't Beat Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Ministry of Magic…** _

John Lupin looked at his son through the corner of his eyes but said nothing. Last night's transformation had not been any different from the others – lots of blood, bruises and broken bones. He had healed them all of course, down to the very last scratch. There wasn't a single sign that could point out how rough a night his boy had really had. But then, there was the fatigue, and that was one thing John Lupin could do nothing about. He'd given Remus some Pepper Up potion but judging by his son's expression, it was wearing off quickly, and they had only just gotten to the ministry.

Remus swayed dangerously as they walked down the corridors of the Werewolf Registry, and John held him firmly by the shoulder. He would have preferred carrying him all the way, but Remus would whine and complain all the way about how embarrassing it was and how he was old and strong enough to walk by himself.  _Stubborn little bugger._

John rapped the door with his fist lightly and it immediately swung open to reveal his old high school mate and co-worker, Lionel White. Even now, they were the best of friends, and often met up for a drink or two. John Lupin admired him, mostly because he was one of the few people who'd been there for him when Remus had been bitten. Apart from that, Lionel had an excellent sense of humour, his name often being the butt of his jokes. Ironically, he was anything but white.

'Been waiting for hours, mate. What took you so long?' he asked, embracing John in a one armed hug.

'Remus needed to get a judicial report and a medical examination done before the registration. He was exhausted by the time we were done, so I let him sleep for half an hour. I hope you don't mind,' said John, handing over the files he'd been carrying.

Lionel waved it off. 'Spare the formalities, Lupin. I don't need a bunch of papers to tell me Remus is clean. Haven't seen you in quite a while. How have you been?'

John picked Remus up, ignoring the weak sounds of protests and set him down on the examination table. 'I've been better.'

Lionel bit his lip, his eyes reflecting the sympathy he felt for his friend. His gaze shifted towards Remus who was trying very hard to stay awake and he felt himself smile. 'You seem to have grown since I last saw you, Remus. They feeding you something extra in Hogwarts?'

Remus chuckled quietly but said nothing, choosing to lean against his father's arm instead. His eyes drooped slightly, shot open again and then settled to a half close.

Lionel looked back towards John. 'Can I talk to you for a minute?'

John nodded and looked down at Remus, brushing his hair out of his eyes. 'Can you stay awake a little longer, lad? We'll just be a moment.'

John moved away only when he'd received the affirmative nod from his son, and Lionel quickly pulled him aside, making sure he was well out of earshot before saying anything. 'Listen, John, I'm not going to sugar coat this for you. This process isn't going to be easy on Remus. Ten percent of the ink composition is silver. Ministry rules. They want to make sure the code stays imprinted forever. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?'

John blinked, not believing what he was hearing. 'Like a scar or a permanent burn. But Len, I-'

Lionel cut him off. 'I know you, John. You're going to break. I've seen you before. You can't seem to control your emotions whenever Remus is involved. But I'm begging you now - do  _not_ show your fear. If Remus sees you panic, the pain will only be more pronounced to him. I need you to stay calm, okay?'

John stopped himself from running a nervous hand through his hair. He could feel Remus watching him intently. So instead, he smiled. 'Can't you give him some sedatives or something?' His tone was desperate, pleading.

Lionel shook his head. 'Reacts violently with the ink. It's better off this way.'

John just stood there for a moment, eyes closed, trying to gather up all the information he'd received. Finally he nodded and straightened his shoulders. 'Let's get over with this then.'

Lionel nodded and walked back to his desk, giving Remus a smile on his way. He knew Remus was watching him, soft amber eyes curious and wide with apprehension. But when Lionel turned to look his way, Remus just smiled bitterly.  _He knows,_ thought Lionel, looking intently at the boy.  _John was right. The kid's too smart for his own good._

'I need you to take off your shirt and lie down on your stomach, Remus,' he said quietly, as he ran his index across the register, searching for Remus's name.

John knew he was supposed to remain stoic and unfeeling, but as he watched Lionel load the code into the apparatus and position it at the base of Remus's neck, he couldn't help it. He twined his fingers with his son's and held on loosely. Remus squeezed back in assurance and John closed his eyes.  _Let it be quick. Please God, let it be quick._ There was a low hum from the device, followed by a click as the ink shot out, and then there were only mind numbing screams that echoed in John Lupin's mind long after his son had passed out.

* * *

 

'Remus.' Lily shook the slumbering boy by his shoulder. 'Remus!'

'Ungh…' was all Remus said before digging his head deeper into the circle of his arms.

Another violent shake. 'Remus, get up!'

Remus's eyes snapped open and his whole body tensed as he shot up straight on his seat. He blinked rapidly and then closed his eyes in relief when he realised that it was only Lily. She could literally see his body relaxing as he leaned against the back of the chair.

'Lily…' he said slowly, rubbing his face with his hand.

'Class is over, Remus,' she said, looking around pointedly at the empty classroom. 'You'll be late for lunch.'

Remus ran a hand through his hair, nodded and got up. 'Can't help it, I guess. Binns can be such a bore sometimes,' he said, stretching his muscles and grinning up at her.

Lily raised an eyebrow. 'We were having transfiguration.' She laughed when she saw her friend blush sheepishly. 'I'm surprised you didn't end up with detention. Matthew tried to wake you up when Mc Gonagall was passing by your seat, but you were dead to the world. Oddly, she saw you but completely ignored it.'

Lily didn't miss the flicker of anxiousness in Remus's eyes, but it was gone before she could say anything about it. 'Do you think she fancies me?' he asked bumping playfully into her shoulder and winking at her.

'You wish, Remus Lupin,' she chuckled as she walked out of the classroom. She watched as her friend slung his bag over his shoulder and waited for him to catch up. He was smiling, but his posture screamed exhaustion. His face looked oddly flushed and there was a shiny film of sweat forming on his forehead. It was no exaggeration when Lily thought that he looked like he'd been run over by a bus. 'Are you okay, Remus?' she asked, concerned. 'Mc Gonagall told me you were sick.' She placed a gentle hand on his arm. 'I was worried.'

Remus rubbed the back if his neck underneath his shirt collar. 'I'm fine, thank you. A little tired, but I'll live,' he said smiling and moving his arm slightly, so that Lily's hand dropped to her side.

 _Oh, Remus._ Lily knew he wasn't okay. Not only was it apparent in his eyes, but she'd also seen him swallow a couple of muggle pills before class.

'So, what did you guys do in Transfiguration while I was in my own little fantasy land?'

'Nothing much, really. We were just covering the basics. She snapped a couple of times at Black and Potter, but that's about it.' Lily frowned disapprovingly. 'I'd keep out of those two's way if I were you. They're upto something, I can tell.'

Remus's eyes sparkled oddly and he grinned. 'It's okay, Lily. They're really quite harmless. I think –'

But Remus never got to complete his sentence because a red beam of light hit him directly at the back of his neck. There was a second when Lily watched, horrified, as Remus's face contorted with pain and then he fell to the ground, unconscious.

'Remus!' She whipped around, pulling her wand out her pocket.

There they were, the culprits, and the bloody berks were laughing; atleast one of them was.

XxxxX

'Hm…let's see. So far, I've managed to die Snape's hair pink, grow tentacles on his head, make his potion blow up on his face, and make him fall face first in dog shit. One more, Sirius, and I win the bet,' said James smugly as they walked down the empty corridors.

'Don't be so over confident, James. There's still time,' Sirius replied haughtily.

James shrugged. 'I don't know why you didn't bother pranking him in Transfiguration itself. He was sleeping throughout class. You could have easily won the bet.'

'It's lowly to attack a man while he's not conscious of the world around him. There's no honour in such a victory,' said Sirius, brushing off imaginary dust from his sleeves.

James rolled his eyes. 'Please, since when did you care about honour? You were just too chicken to do it under Mc Googly's nose.'

'Hardly.' And it was true. Sirius wasn't afraid of anyone, Mc Googly or not. It was also true that his reason for not pranking Lupin right then had been anything but honour. When Sirius had seen Lupin sleeping so peacefully, it had seemed almost cruel to disturb him, so he let him be.

James grinned teasingly. 'Going all soft over Lupin then, are you?'

Sirius's lip curled. 'Don't be disgusting, Potter.'

James stopped suddenly and crossed his arms over his chest. 'Prove it then. Lupin's right there, walking in front of us.' He said pointing at the two figures in front of them. 'The corridors are empty save for Lupin, that red head, and us. Go on, I'm giving you a chance to win that bet.'

Sirius stared at Lupin talking animatedly with that Evans red head. He watched as she placed a hand on his arm and smiled sweetly. 'Fine,' snapped Sirius, pulling his wand out of his robes and aiming.  _Stupid James. Stupid Lupin. Stupid what's her name._

And then, Lupin collapsed, which was not at all what the book he'd learnt it from, had described would happen. In fact, it wasn't even close. Lupin was supposed to experience a violent overgrowth of hair, not fall to the ground, and God… _was he unconscious?_

James on the other hand hadn't noticed Lupin fall at all, and he thumped Sirius on the back enthusiastically. 'I can't believe you finally got him!' He whooped, but stopped from any further festivities when he saw his friend's face.  _What's with him?_

'Siri-'

Sirius looked at him, his face white as sheet. 'James, I think I killed him…'

James followed his gaze, finally landing on the fallen form of Remus Lupin. 'Oh shit.' And then, all of a sudden James found himself pushed against the wall, fiery green eyes boring into him.

'You bloody prick!' screamed Lily Evans, wand raised. 'What the hell did you do?'

James struggled to keep his panic under control. Was he being attacked? Evans certainly looked capable of murder. Should he take out his wand and fight back? No, he couldn't do that. Evans was…well…she was a  _girl._ 'Calm down, Evans!' he said, raising his hands. 'It was just a harmless prank, okay! We didn't mean anything by it!'

Her wand jabbed into his jugular. 'Does that look harmless to you, Potter?' Evans asked through clenched teeth. 'Does it? If you idiots had actually taken the time to look beyond your own self centered worlds, then you would have noticed that Remus has been sick the whole day.' Her wand drifted lower, down to the middle of his chest, and James gulped. 'But you don't care, do you? All that you, and Black are bothered about are your sick little jokes.'

'MISS EVANS! PUT THAT WAND DOWN THIS INSTANT!'

Evans growled but complied, shooting James a dirty look, before turning towards Professor McGonagall. James heaved a sigh of relief.

'I'm sorry, Professor,' she said straightening her robes. 'I lost control. But Potter and Black, here thought it would be funny to attack Remus behind his back, and he passed out before I could do anything.'

McGonagall's eyes widened and she turned around so fast that strands of hair flew out of her tight bun. 'Good grief, child! You should have taken him to the hospital wing!' She turned back to Evans and raised her arms in exasperation. 'Well, where is he?'

Lily looked around, baffled. 'He was right here, Professor. I-'

James stared. 'Wait, Sirius is gone too.'

* * *

 

'Don't you think the flowers and chocolates are a bit too much, Sirius?' asked James as they walked towards the infirmary.

Sirius finger combed his hair. It was getting a bit too long and he'd sort of grown to like it that way. 'It's called courtesy, James, but I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it.'

'Really? I thought you gave people flowers and chocolates on Valentines Day,' teased James, winking mischievously at Sirius. 'You know, as a token of undying affection and _looovvee_.' He mock swooned.

Sirius cuffed James and stopped at the doors of the Infirmary. 'Shut up and try to look guilty.'

James squawked indignantly. 'Guilty? I'm not the one who hexed him to oblivion and got away with it scott free, while his best friend cleans horse shit for the rest of the week.'

Sirius smiled smugly, turning the door handles. 'It's called tactics, Potter. Every good prankster must have them.'

James snorted. 'Tactics, my arse. You were busy saving the damsel in distress. The distress  _you_  created, might I add.'

Sirius ignored his friend and looked around the hospital wing, spotting Lupin in the farthest corner of the room, right beside the window. He was lying down on his side, facing away from them, but Sirius knew that mop of hair anywhere. Lupin and Snape were the only ones in Hogwarts with hair beyond their shoulders, and Lupin was the only one who could carry it off without looking like a girl or a greasy git. He walked towards Lupin's bedside and set down the chocolates and flowers on the side table.

James poked his still form hesitantly. 'Is he breathing?'

Sirius peered cautiously, trying to look beyond the veil of hair covering Lupin's face. 'He was, last time I checked. He's just sleeping.' He turned to face his best friend and shrugged. 'Maybe we should just go. I mean, I've apologised, haven't I?' he said, pointing towards the little tokens he'd placed neatly on the table.

'Last time I checked, an apology actually involved the words, 'I'm sorry', Black.' Both James, and Sirius jumped upon hearing Lupin's voice, husky from sleep. Lupin sat up on his bed, and rubbed his eyes with his fist. 'Thank you for the chocolates though,' he said, picking one up and popping it into his mouth.

'You're awake,' said James, stating the obvious.

Lupin chuckled. 'It's a little hard to sleep with people poking at my face. Want some?' he asked handing them the box of chocolates. He smiled when both Sirius and James helped themselves to a handful and shifted a little to the side. 'Sit down then. It's a weekend, there's plenty of chocolate and words of apology are really not that hard to say.'

Sirius huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, as he flopped down on the bed. 'Fine. I'm sorry, okay! Who knew you'd be such a weakling? The spell didn't even work, and you went all girly and fainted.'

Lupin chuckled, and Sirius realised right then that Lupin knew he was being a smart mouthed, annoying prat, and enjoying it too. But then, the amber-eyed boy stopped and frowned as if deep in thought. 'I guess the spell reacted with the painkillers I had earlier or something. I can't tell. Oh well, doesn't matter,' he said, popping another piece of chocolate into his mouth.

Sirius and James looked at each other guiltily. Sirius wanted to apologise again, this time a little more nicely, but he couldn't bring down his pride to do so. So instead, he changed the topic to something that had been bothering him since Lupin woke up. 'How did you know it was me?'

Lupin popped another chocolate in his mouth. 'What?'

'When you woke up. You had your face turned the opposite way. How did you know it was me?'

Lupin frowned. 'I don't know. I just…sensed you, I guess.'

James stared at him. 'You do know, Lupin, that this does nothing to soothe your reputation as the freaky kid in school.'

Lupin shrugged, but Sirius noticed a flicker of sadness in his eyes, and he mentally cursed James for being so insensitive. 'So we're even then?' Sirius asked, getting up and straightening his robes.

Lupin grinned and swiftly grabbed his wand from the bedside table. Before Sirius could react, or register what was happening, both, his and James's eyebrows were growing at an insane pace. 'Yeah, we're even,' chuckled Lupin.

They'd all burst into laughter after that. James had even parted the curtain of eyebrow hair and grinned widely at the both of them before exclaiming, 'I told you he was a bloody genius!'

They'd visited Remus everyday after that day, little Peter often tagging along. And that alone was enough to start one of the most legendary friendships Hogwarts had ever known. It wasn't that all of a sudden Remus had dropped all his reserve and caution to the wind. But he should have known from the very beginning, that a person as friendly, sarcastic, and wonderful as Remus Lupin was hard not to be friends with; and very hard to dislike, no matter what Sirius said. And after all, Sirius, James and Peter were only first years, concluded Remus after a few months. They'd never find out his secret, right?

* * *

 


	8. Summer Moved On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Platform 9 ¾…** _

Sirius's eyes followed James Potter as he bid goodbye to all of them and walked towards his parents. Mr. And Mrs. Potter, Sirius noted, looked anything but pureblood. It was a well known fact that the Potters were filthy rich, yet their appearance and conduct reflected none of it. Their robes were too casual, they smiled too much, talked too much, moved too much, touched too much, and Mrs. Potter, who James had obviously inherited his hair from, hadn't even  _tried_  to look presentable.

Sirius frowned. Sometimes he didn't understand how things so different from what he'd been taught worked just as well.

There was a sudden tap on his shoulder, and Sirius turned to face his second best friend: Remus Lupin. Yes, they were on first name basis now and as much as Sirius loathed to admit it, the boy was bloody good company. He wasn't like Peter, whom Sirius had particularly scorned at first but gotten used to, just like how one eventually grows to love the hairy mole on one's rear because it was an unavoidable part of them. (Not that he had a hairy mole on his rear, of course.) In fact, once they'd gotten to actually talking to Remus, both James and Sirius had found themselves warming up to him instantly, especially James who seemed to have a tendency of getting attached to people very easily.

'I'll see you next year then,' said Sirius finally, extending a hand towards Remus.

Remus laughed, his eyes shining with amusement. 'You can never drop the façade, can you, Sirius?' Nevertheless, he shook his hand. 'My dad's standing near the end over there,' he said, pointing towards his right. 'But he hasn't noticed me yet, so try not to draw too much attention, okay?'

Sirius quickly stuffed the fireworks James had given him before leaving, into his pockets. 'Moi?' he asked disbelievingly. 'Never.'

Remus raised his eyebrows and smiled. He squeezed Sirius's shoulder one last time and walked away. Sirius watched the long-haired boy take a more twisted route towards the end of the platform, winding through the crowd with admirable ease. Once he'd gotten near the barrier, he stopped and scuffed his shoes on the ground, as if preparing himself for a run. His expression looked every bit like a cheetah aiming for its prey. Sirius followed the direction of Remus's gaze to what he assumed would have to be Remus's father.

The first thought that came to Sirius's mind once his eyes had landed on Mr. Lupin was that this was not the man you would want to cross. Remus was a splitting image of his father, down to the last freckle; but where Remus was slight and petite, John Lupin was broad and muscled. He wasn't tall enough to be deemed huge, but his physique made him look larger than he actually was. Sirius remembered Remus mentioning that he'd been an auror once.  _He must know of the Blacks then._ Mr. Lupin's boyish features were marred because of his cold hard eyes and set chin. He was so stoic that if it hadn't been for the occasional blinking, Sirius would have mistaken him for a statue.

Sirius's gaze shifted back to his friend, who by now had broken into a mad run, readying himself for a leap. But he'd hardly come an inch closer to Mr. Lupin, when the man suddenly turned and caught Remus by the collar of his shirt. There were several tense moments where Mr. Lupin just stood there, his son dangling five feet above the ground by his collar. Sirius had actually considered calling for help because the man looked every bit capable of child abuse but then, Remus punched his father playfully and they burst out laughing and  _hugging_. Sirius felt his lip curl with disgust at the public display of affection. What the hell was wrong with people here? Why in God's name did they insist on  _touching_  so much?

A croaky voice broke through Sirius's thoughts. 'Does young Master intend on staying in the station all day?'

Sirius rolled his eyes and looked down. He recognised that voice anywhere. 'Kreacher.' He didn't like the house elf, not one bit. His expression was too sardonic and confident for a mere elf, and his behaviour was absolutely unacceptable.  _Mother pampers the thing too much._ 'Lead the way then, Kreacher.'

'As young Master wishes. Master and Mistress won't be home until dinner, but have left specific instructions for you to follow once we are to reach home.'

 _Like I'm going to actually follow them._ But Sirius nodded anyway. He hadn't really expected his parents to show up at the station. They had much more important matters to attend to than a son returning from school, even if he were absent for a little over half a year. It only made sense, he concluded. However, as he remembered the Potters, and Remus and his father, and even the Pettigrews, Sirius wished it wasn't so.

* * *

 

Remus entered the kitchen, clean and slightly damp. He'd arrived home late because of his father's abysmal driving. Not to mention, they'd gotten lost twice and to top it all off, it had started raining. By the time they'd actually made it back to the Lupin cottage, they were drenched, and filthy, and every bit disgruntled. His mother had yelled and sent both of them to the bathroom, complaining about clean floors and bloody wizards the whole time.

He'd finished his shower almost half an hour ago, but had avoided the kitchen in hopes of cooling his mother down a bit. Apparently, his tactic had worked because Delilah Lupin was humming to herself as she prepared the salad.

She didn't look up when she spoke to him. 'Remus, love, set the table, will you?'

Remus nodded and started arranging the cutlery splayed haphazardly on the counter.

'How's school been?' she asked conversationally.

Remus's face lit up instantly at the question. 'It's so excellent! I mean, dad's told me about it before and all, but oh mum! I wish they'd let you see the place! There's just so much magic everywhere and there are these bizarre paintings, and-'

Delilah Lupin laughed. 'Slow down, baby. Breathing is essential for health.' She cleaned her hands on a kitchen towel and set the salad on the table. 'You sound happy though and that's all that matters,' she said, stroking his cheek. 'How's the neck been?'

Remus folded the last of the napkins. 'Still twinges after transformations but apart from that, I hardly ever know it's there.'

Del turned away to check on the roast. 'Hm…Lionel said your body would eventually adjust to it, but I worry sometimes.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'You worry too much.'

'It's my job, baby. Honey! Dinner's ready!' she shouted, as she put on her oven mitts.

Remus laughed and sat down. 'Actually, I'm surprised you let dad drive your new car to the station and back.' He watched hungrily as his mother set the perfectly golden brown chicken on the table and sat down.

'I thought I'd cut him some slack. He's been begging since I bought that thing. Tell me.' She rested her chin on one hand. 'How bad was he?'

'If I were you, I'd keep those car keys hidden fifty feet underground.'

John Lupin entered the kitchen noisily. 'I heard that, you little brat,' he said settling down beside his wife. 'Honestly though, honey. I wasn't  _that_  bad.' He smiled at her sweetly and helped himself to the food on the table.

Remus snorted. 'Dad, you knocked down five different stop signs on three different junctions. You weren't bad, you were ghastly.'

John stabbed at his chicken moodily. 'You know, we really need to do something about that mouth of his. It's uncontrollable. You'd think after eleven years of nursing and pampering, he'd at least be a little grateful and support his old man.'

'You're not the one who carried him around in her stomach for nine months. It's only natural for him to be more loyal to his mother. Isn't that right, baby?' she said, reaching out and stroking her son's cheek.

Remus smirked pointedly at his father and leaned into her touch. 'Of course, mum.'

Dinner carried on that way, more than often punctuated with mindless banter and jokes from work or home. It was more than clear from their conversation that they intended to catch up on everything they'd missed over the last six months. In fact, it wasn't until they were digging into Remus's favourite chocolate chip ice cream that John Lupin voiced what had been troubling him since their return from the station.

'There was a boy staring at you in the station, Remus,' he said causally, as he swallowed a mouthful of ice cream.

Remus looked up surprised. 'Oh?'

John nodded. 'Hm. Black hair, slight tan, medium build.'

 _Must be either James or Sirius,_ thought Remus.

John frowned. 'He looked like there was something nasty stuck under his nose.'

 _Definitely Sirius._ 'It's the Black kid I'd told you about.'

His father looked up at him, concerned etched in every line of his face. 'Is he a friend?'

'An acquaintance,' said Remus dismissively. He could feel his mother's piercing gaze on him. He ignored her and smiled at his dad instead. 'Relax, dad. We hardly talk.' He knew his mother could see right through his lie but if she knew anything about it, she didn't voice it, and Remus was thankful for it.

Later, when Delilah Lupin had come upstairs to check up on her son, she'd kissed his forehead and watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest with unease. 'I hope you know what you're doing, sweetheart.'

* * *

 

Sirius kissed his mother, touching his cheek to hers. 'Mother,' he greeted curtly. He nodded at Orion Black. 'Father.' He sat down in the farthest seat from them and waited for Kreacher to serve him. The food smelled particularly good today, and Sirius's stomach gave a lurch when the house elf filled his plate dutifully.

'It good you're here, Sirius,' his father said amiably. 'There are some pressing matters we needed to talk to you about. First of all, your mother and I would like to congratulate you on your outstanding results. We had our doubts after your sorting, but your performance has done justice to the Black name.'

Sirius nodded and tried his best not to eat too fast. Who cared about grades? He was starving.

'I understand that Gryffindor is not the most suitable environment for you, but Dumbledore is a hard man to convince. However, I still have few cards left at hand. I'm sure I can arrange something to suit your needs.'

Sirius swallowed. 'Au contraire, Father, that's hardly necessary. I assure you, I've found the environment in Gryffindor quite satisfactory.'

'Don't be ridiculous, Sirius,' his mother snapped, looking up at him with cold hard eyes. 'Gryffindor is laden with all kinds of lowly people – half bloods, and mudbloods, and what not. I hope you aren't fraternising with any of them.'

Sirius put down his fork and looked his mother directly in the eye. 'I am; three of them in fact.'

His parents looked beyond outraged, and Orion Black slammed his hand on the table angrily. But it was his wife who spoke first, 'Then I suggest you break ties with them immediately. You should know by now, that these people…these  _filth_ …they can never come up to our standards or ever achieve the purity we possess. They're uncivilised and pitiable, Sirius. We have taught you that time and time again.'

Anger shot through Sirius like fire. He'd had disagreements with his mother before, but this… _this_  rage was new to him. They were liars, each and every one of them. Everything they'd said about half bloods and muggleborns were a lie. These people, they didn't want his money; they were certainly not cruel or unkind; and they ate, slept and breathed just like the rest of the pureblood community did. In fact, he'd had more fun in these few six months than his whole life put together. And Sirius, being the straightforward person he was, felt he had every right to say so. 'These filth, Mother, are my friends now,' he said getting up. 'They are different, yes, but their traits are not that to be looked down upon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have homework to attend to.'

* * *

 


	9. Little Black Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, Second year…** _

Sirius, James and Peter watched quietly as Remus folded the last of his underwear and stuffed it into his knapsack. Sirius looked from Peter to James, who finally nodded in reply to his silent question. This was becoming somewhat of a ritual. Every month, they'd take turns to ask Remus where he was going, and every month it would be the same lame excuses.

'Going somewhere, Rem?' James asked casually, lying back against the headboard.

Remus didn't look up, and instead, zipped his bag shut. 'Yeah, I'm going back home for a day. My aunt Angus died yesterday. She was very close to my mum,' he said, sounding more weary than depressed. He poured himself a glass of water from the bedside table, running the other hand through his disheveled hair.

Sirius raised his eyebrow. 'So, you're mother's okay then,' he said slowly, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Remus's shoulders tensed visibly and he looked up at Sirius questioningly. 'She's fine, thank you. Why do you ask?' He flung his bag over his shoulder, glass still in hand, and walked towards the door, his hand poised over the handle as he looked at them one last time.

Sirius shrugged. 'She was ill last month, so I assumed she'd be particularly distressed,' He looked into Remus's eyes spitefully. 'After all, aunt Angus  _was_  very close.'

The glass shattered to a million tiny shards in Remus's hands and fell soundlessly to the carpeted floor. 'Fuck!' exclaimed Remus, quickly muttering a spell to put the broken pieces together.

Sirius smiled satisfactorily. James and Peter, however, were looking at Remus's hand, horrified. The thick glass had cut through deep, deep enough to leave any normal twelve-year-old boy crying and whimpering in pain. And Remus hadn't even flinched. There was blood dripping, red and steady from his wound onto the carpet, and Remus didn't seem to have noticed at all.

'Rem,' said James slowly. 'Your hand.'

Remus looked at his hand distractedly and his cheeks paled. 'Oh. Oh yeah. It's nothing. I'll just stop by Madam Pomfrey's on the way.' He shifted nervously from one foot to another. 'So, yeah…well…I'll see you guys in a couple of days.' He smiled weakly. 'Goodbye.'

He was out before any of them could say anything further.

Peter frowned. 'He forgot to take his toothbrush.'

James rolled his eyes at Peter and chose to glare at Sirius instead. 'You didn't have to be so nasty to him, you know. He was clearly upset over something.'

' _Something_  being the key word, since this is the third time  _Aunt_ Angus died since first year. I hate being lied to,' growled Sirius. 'My parents do it all the time and now Remus is doing the same. I bloody hate it!'

James got up from his bed suddenly and started pacing the floor, occasionally running a hand through his hair. 'He's following a pattern, I know it, but I just can't put my finger on it. He never goes on the same day, but every month…every month, there's like a preplanned tragedy waiting to happen.'

Sirius laughed bitterly. 'Yeah and ironically, judging by the state he comes back in, it seems the tragedy happens to him more than anyone else in his family. How stupid does he think we are? There's nothing to figure out. It's quite clear what a stupid, fucking, hypocrite –'

'Will you just shut up for a moment, Sirius,' snapped James. 'I know you're pissed at him, but you and I both know that Remus isn't the sort to lie. There's obviously something wrong, and he's trying very hard to hide it from us.'

'D-Do you think he's sick?' squeaked Peter. He bit his lip at Sirius and James's questioning glances. 'You know, like a muggle disease or something. There are a few that even magic can't cure, and he's half blood, so he's more vulnerable to them than the two of you.'

James looked at him skeptically 'What kind of disease would require treatment every month?'

Peter ran a nervous hand over his face, his eyes closing as he took a deep breath. 'There's Leukaemia. I heard my mum talk about it once…usually, a blood transfusion a month keeps you healthy…a little on the pale side…but still better than you would be.' He lifted his feet up the bed and smiled faintly. 'Still, there's nothing to worry about, right? I mean, Remus would tell us if things got that bad, right?'

Sirius and James looked at each other.

Later that night, the two of them sneaked into the library to learn more about Peter's explanations to Remus's absence. They didn't sleep for the rest of the night after they came back, sweating and shivering every time they thought of their friend. And all Sirius could think of while he tossed and turned in his bed was, what if Peter's assumption turned out to be right, and what if today had been Remus's last day, and what would he do without his kind, sweet friend, and  _oh God_ , he never really bothered to pray or go to church, but please, _please_ ,  _let Remus be okay._

* * *

 

It took two whole days after that fateful night, for Sirius to finally gather up enough courage to talk to Remus about his monthly disappearances. The knowledge that Peter may as well be right was killing him from the inside, and he found it hard to even look at his friend without having the detailed descriptions of each disease floating in front of his eyes. He could tell that James and Peter were having just as much trouble, but Peter was a coward, and while Sirius found more solace in confronting the situation, James chose to ignore it and pretend that it never happened.

Sirius had convinced Remus to accompany him to a walk to the lake that morning, paying no attention to James's pointed glare and Peter's occasional whimpers. What if Remus admitted to Peter's assumptions being right? What would they do then? James had even gotten to the point where he'd invited himself to the walk, but McGonagall had chosen that very moment to call them for Chaser tryouts. So James had left, albeit grudgingly, Peter tagging along behind him.

Before he'd left, he'd shot one desperate look towards Sirius. A look that had been caught between a warning and a silent plea for more time.

They'd hardly made it to the lake when Remus, exhausted from all the walking, sat down heavily and kicked off his shoes. He dipped his feet into the lake and sighed in contentment as the cool water ran over his toes and up to his shins. 'Go on, Sirius, the water's plenty cool,' he offered, closing his eyes.

Sirius stared at the water hesitantly. Dip his feet…in there?  _Why?_

'If the Giant Squid decides to attack you, I promise to go down with you, hand in hand,' said Remus, chuckling quietly.

'That's hardly any consolation.' But Sirius took off his shoes and socks anyway and found that Remus was right, and that the water really was refreshingly cool. Winter was yet to start and judging by the weather, it was going to make it presence known subtly and slowly this year.

They sat like that for a long time, Sirius often watching his friend through the corner of his eyes. Remus had gotten his hair cut this summer. It was still long by normal standards but barely brushed his shoulders now. It was incredibly uneven and badly done, and made Remus look even more roughish than before. Still, concluded Sirius, he looked good, in a weird sort of way.

'Remus?' Sirius said finally, after drawing a nervous breath.

Remus opened his eyes slightly and turned towards him. 'Hm?'

 _Best get to the point._ 'Are you dying?'

Remus stared at him for a while, blinking. Then, suddenly, he threw his head back and laughed loudly, his voice reverberating in his throat. Sirius waited patiently for an answer, despite feeling himself going red. When Remus had finally stopped, he looked at him with rich amber eyes that shone oddly in the sun, and Sirius couldn't help but stare at them admiringly.

Remus touched his cheek gently. 'Sometimes, Sirius…I wish I were,' he said, looking back towards the water.

Sirius hadn't missed that look in Remus's eyes. It was sincerity. No, Remus wasn't dying, but his answer wasn't any better because Sirius knew that his friend wasn't being sarcastic when he said it. He'd meant every word. Blinding rage washed over Sirius, fogging any sort of rational thinking he possessed and before he knew what he was doing, he'd grabbed hold of Remus's collar and bared his teeth in anger.

'Never,' he snarled through clenched teeth. 'Never say that again, Remus.  _Never._ '

The amber-eyed boy stared at him for a while, as if searching and looking for something in Sirius that he couldn't quite find but knew was there anyway. By then, Sirius himself had stopped panting, but his anger lingered, and he glared back at Remus, making sure he got his message across.

That's when Remus hugged him. It was sudden, and Sirius's immediate reaction was to stiffen, arms locking tightly to his sides. The last he'd been hugged was…well… _never_. The Blacks never believed in too much physical contact, except for the essential pleasantries. Even in Hogwarts, he and James had always engaged in a friendly tussle, but never actually embraced. Once he'd actually gotten past the awkwardness, Sirius found he rather liked the feeling of Remus's arms tightly wound around him. It was warmth, and friendship, and something else entirely that he was content with not knowing. So after a while, Sirius returned Remus's embrace, wrapping his arms uncertainly around his friend's thin body and squeezing with equal pressure.

 _Things would be okay_ , he thought. As long as Remus held onto him like that, Sirius knew that come what may, he'd always be there for his friend.

* * *

 

'Sirius!'

Sirius buried his head underneath his pillow. 'Go away, James.'

The mattress shook violently. 'Get up, it's important!'

Sirius opened his eyes by a fraction, only to check the clock on his bedside table. He groaned loudly and shut his eyes again. 'James, it's three in the morning. What could possibly be this important that it couldn't wait till the morning?'

'Remus.'

Sirius's eyes shot open, and he sat up quickly. His eyes unconsciously drifted to the sleeping form on the bed opposite to his. 'Is something wrong?' he asked uncertainly. Remus seemed to be fine from this angle.

'I'm not sure, but I have a hunch. I just need you to clear a few things out for me,' said James glancing nervously at Remus as well.

Sirius shifted to the side to make room for James to sit and ran his fingers through his hair. He noticed that James was carrying a massive tome on his hands, his thumb bookmarking one of the pages. Sirius squinted in the dark to read the title:  _Magical beasts and Their Characteristics._ 'You woke me up at three in the morning to study, Potter?'

James bit his lip. 'Sirius, I need you to tell me what we were doing on the night Remus disappeared.'

Sirius frowned. What sort of question was that? 'Which one?'

'Any one,' said James waving his hands exasperatedly. 'The first one you remember.'

The night with the two of them in the library, researching about muggle ailments, flashed before Sirius's eyes. 'The library,' whispered Sirius, shivering against the cold that had swept through him suddenly.

James nodded, eyes darkening. 'We'd both come back and we sat on the window sill for hours.' He watched Sirius nod, and suppressed another shiver. 'Do you remember what kind of night it was?'

Sirius closed his eyes, remembering. 'A little warm…starless I suppose…I remember looking at the full moon and wondering if it was going to be Remus's last.' He shrugged a little towards the end, trying to look casual about it.

'And last month, Sirius. Last month, do you remember Peter saying that muggle children believed the moon was made of cheese? And the month before that, we were assigned a six foot astronomy essay because the moon was full and in clear view. Do you remember that?'

Sirius remembered. In fact, he'd noticed long ago but chosen to disregard the facts. 'What are you getting at, James?' he asked, already knowing the answer but denying it at the same time.

'Don't you get it, Sirius? Remus is a werewolf!' he exclaimed quietly, letting the book he'd been carrying, fall open.

Sirius would have punched James right then, for even thinking of Remus in such a disgusting manner. For accusing him of something so vile and inhumane. Then, his eyes fell on the picture in the book, and he knew he couldn't ignore it any more. Everything fit – Remus's disappearances only on nights of the full moon, his sudden bursts of strength, his cravings for meat just before he took off, his eyes getting darker… _Oh God_.

Sirius's brain was in disarray, his vision foggy. He couldn't think straight, couldn't bring himself to accept the truth.  _No, no, no!_ His traitorous mind kept replaying distorted versions of all the times him and Remus had spent together, only this time, Remus sweet, low laughter sounded harsh and cruel to his ears. His large amber eyes now reduced to dark black slits. His friend was transforming into a bloodthirsty beast right in front of his eyes.

'Full moon's tomorrow. I'm going to tell Pete, and we're going to confront him.'

Sirius blinked, unable to comprehend what James was suggesting. 'What?'

'It's time Remus learned to trust us.'

* * *

 

'Hey, Remus!' chorused James and Peter, as they flopped down on his bed beside him. Sirius on the other hand chose to sit on the chair nearest to the bed.

Remus didn't look up but continued to write at a steady speed. 'Hey guys, what's up?'

'Oh, you know, the usual. Torturing Snivellus and the Slytherins. Nothing new,' said James offhandedly. He rested his chin on Remus's shoulder. 'You?'

Remus tickled James's nose with the end of his quill, making him sneeze. 'Potions homework.  _Explain how and why killing potions can prove fatal?_  I'm telling you, Slughorn's finally lost it in his old age.'

James and Peter laughed, while Sirius just smiled weakly. This little fact didn't go unnoticed by Remus, but he chose to ignore it. Sirius was a moody person by nature. No doubt, he was sulking because he'd stubbed his  _royal_  toe on some  _tasteless_  piece of furniture.

James lay back on the pillow. 'So, Rem, you going home today? '

Remus's stopped writing. 'Er…yeah.'  _It means nothing. It's just a question._ 'How'd you know?'

'Oh, just a hunch.'

 _See, I told you. No reason to panic at all._ Remus scribbled the last few lines of his essay and rolled up the parchments neatly.

James watched distractedly as his friend closed the inkbottle. 'Say, Remus, you do consider us your best friends, right?'

Remus got up from the bed, smiling.  _Should have known._ 'Hm…If you wanted something James, you know all had to do is ask. There's no need to suck up to me.'

Peter looked at James, who looked at Sirius, who was still staring determinedly at his fingernails and biting his lip at a furious rate. James restrained himself from frowning at Sirius's behaviour. Sometimes, he just didn't understand the boy and  _damn it_ , he was supposed to be helping out here.

'Actually,' said James, looking back at Remus. 'Last time you left, we were playing this confessions game, and we found out lots of stuff about each other…you know, deep dark secrets kind.' James winked and waved his hands animatedly to stress on his point. 'But you missed it. So…do you have anything to confess, my son,' he said, adopting a serious expression.

Remus stuffed his books back into his bag and blushed as he muttered his reply. 'Er…my parents still like to kiss me goodnight?'

Even Sirius looked up at this and James fought an urge to laugh. Some bloodthirsty beast Remus turned out to be.

'And…' Peter continued, stifling a chuckle.

Remus scratched his head. 'My mum likes to show off my nude baby pictures to strangers in the street. She thinks I used to have a cute bum. Luckily, she a muggle, so they don't move.'

James ran a frustrated hand through his hair. God, Remus was really spoilt. 'And…'

'When I was three, I wanted to see if you could really flush people down the toilet like in cartoons, so I-'

'Remus, stop, okay!' James shot up from the bed, and advanced towards him. 'We know, all right! We know you're a werewolf!'

'Oh.' A whirl of emotions ran through Remus's mind, stripping him of all the defenses he'd built up for so long. 'Oh.' The façade was gone. They knew, and they were playing with him all along.  _Teasing him, taunting him._  'Oh God!' He collapsed to the floor, trying his hardest to fight back tears. His father had warned him, but he never listened.  _And now…_  Remus looked at them, pleadingly. 'Please…please…don't tell anyone. I…' He took a deep breath. He would not cry. They already thought him a monster, he wouldn't give them an impression that he pathetic, as well. 'I've never harmed anybody…but if anyone finds out…I'll...' He bowed his head down, his hair falling over his eyes. 'Dumbledore won't be able to do anything…they'll take me out…and I swear…' He was wheezing now, breath coming out in large shuddering gasps. 'I swear I won't bother you…I'll stay away as far as possible. Just please, please…'

James stared at Remus. This wasn't the reaction he'd been expecting. He'd intended on the surprise, maybe a mumbled apology…but this…this crippled puddle of mess of the floor…the broken look in Remus's large expressive eyes…the hurt…the desperation. Did he really think so little of them?

He looked around at his friends helplessly. Judging by Peter's gaping expression, he hadn't been expecting the sudden outburst either, and Sirius…well, Sirius had taken a sudden interest in a book he'd fished out of his trunk. Obviously, they weren't going to take any action.

In two quick strides, he'd knelt beside Remus and dislodged both hands that were buried deep within honey brown locks. 'Remus…Rem…look at me.' James regretted saying it as soon as his friend had lifted his head. In one small glance, Remus's eyes had conveyed a fraction of his pain to James, and  _God._ 'We didn't mean it like that. We don't care, okay? We don't care if you're a werewolf, or a hag, or a drag queen.'

Remus chuckled at that, but James could still make out the fear and mistrust.

'We're not playing a cruel joke on you, Remus,' said Peter slowly, as if voicing James's thoughts.

James nodded and pulled Remus into a small embrace. 'You're Remus, you always have been and always will be. We just wanted you to trust us enough to tell us the truth. That's all.'

'That's all?' Remus echoed James's words, eyes wide with disbelief.  _It's a dream. It has to be._

He looked towards Peter. 'So, you're-'

'We don't care, Remus,' replied Peter, cutting him off.

Remus turned to stare at Sirius, who had taken to staring fixedly at the book on his lap. His right hand was clutching at something so tightly that it had begun shaking. Slowly, hesitantly, he looked up at Remus. Their eyes finally met, and Sirius suddenly threw the book down on the floor and ran out of the room, still clutching at something in the ball of his hand. Remus could hear the door to the bathroom shutting loudly, followed by the distinct noises of someone vomiting.

Remus felt his heart drop to his stomach. Sirius was disgusted by him.  _Sirius…_

James stared open mouthed at the place where Sirius had been sitting only a while ago. He turned back towards his longhaired friend who was shivering in his arms. 'Remus…' he said slowly, staring into deep amber pools.

Remus closed his eyes, clutching at James's shoulders. 'It's okay, James. I'm used to it.'

* * *

 

Sirius rested his head against the toilet seat, breathing heavily. It was out then. Remus was a werewolf. There was no denying it now, no hoping that James had got it all wrong, and Remus would burst out laughing at the very idea.

_A werewolf is a beast, transformed or human. The wolf cannot be considered as an alternate personality. It is the man, and the man is it._

Everything Harad had thought him. Everything he'd read. They were coming back to him, washing over him, drowning him.

_They are known for their ruthless and uncivilised behaviour. They feel no human compassion, no pain, no mercy, no fear, only bloodlust. In short, they are inhumane._

'Oh, God.' Sirius muttered, before spewing out the rest of his breakfast into the toilet bowl.

_Murderers from the day they are bitten, victims are preferably given euthanasia, as per Ministry rule 749._

Sirius unclenched his hand and a piece of paper fell out. It was newspaper cutting: the one that had finally made Sirius snap. He'd forgotten about the picture, until now…the little boy…he'd been Remus. Sirius knew it, even though the face was still hidden deep inside the sheets, he could tell. He remembered watching with sick fascination as the boy in the picture just lay there; he even remembered tracing the angry red scar on his shoulder, wondering if he'd ever meet this boy. He'd tempted fate from the very start.

_A werewolf seeks humans in preference to any other kind of prey._

'How am I to trust you, Remus, when everything you are is against everything I believe?'

* * *

 

Sirius avoided Remus for the rest of the day like a disease. Whatever direction Remus would go, Sirius would go the opposite. He sat away from all of them during classes, skipped lunch entirely, and only breathed a sigh of relief after dinner, when Remus had presumably left for 'home'.

The next morning, he'd been walking back to the Great Hall with every intention to make up for his missed dinner, when out of nowhere, James had grabbed the front of his robes and smashed him to the wall.

'What's your problem?' snarled James into his face.

Sirius pushed James away roughly and straightened his robes. 'I don't know what you mean.'

James glared at him. 'You know, Sirius, I love you like a brother, but if you keep on hurting Remus the way you are right now, I swear on all that is sacred, I will never, ever, forgive you."

 _Remus…_ At that point, Sirius's knees almost gave away again, but he kept himself steady. 'For that matter, I was meaning to ask what your problem is, James? Remus is a werewolf. Have your parents never taught you the significance of that word? Do you know what he's capable of?' he finished, hoping his friend would give him an answer to all the questions hidden underneath his façade. He was distraught, and confused,  _and…_

Sirius felt James grab his hand by the wrist. 'What the hell are you doing?' He stumbled, as his friend continued pulling him along empty corridors and winding staircases, not once letting go of his hand.

They finally stopped at the doors of the infirmary, and James pulled him to the small peek window so fast that Sirius bumped his nose against the glass. 'There,' he said viciously. 'He's in the bed beside the window; the curtains are open because he likes the sun to come in after spending so long in the dark. Do you see him?'

Sirius did see him, with Madame Pomfrey at his side, no less. He was probably unconscious or had his eyes closed at least, while the matron healed and nursed his wounds. They weren't any ordinary wounds either – deep and fiery red - just the sight of it could make one cringe.

'James,' said Sirius slowly, turning to his friend.

James leaned against the doors and sighed heavily. 'You know, they always tell us how dangerous and beastly werewolves are to us wizards but none of them, not one book has ever mentioned what a danger they are to themselves. Remus does that to himself, you know, every single month. He infuriates the wolf by locking himself up so that he won't harm anyone else. So he gets punished instead.' He looked at Sirius pleadingly. 'Tell me, Sirius, after all that Remus has done for you, after knowing about all  _this_ , can you really hate him?'

Sirius stared at James, taking in whatever he'd said. In those few words, his friend had erased all his doubts, classified everything he'd been taught since childhood a lie, and given him a new outlook to the world. No, he didn't have the heart to hate Remus Lupin. He never did.

* * *

 

That night, he skipped dinner to see Remus. He was still in the infirmary, and Sirius found him sitting precariously close to the edge of the windowsill, eyes closed, as if enjoying the gentle breeze playing with his hair.

'Hey, Sirius,' he said softly, without turning.

'Hey.' Sirius sat beside him carefully. Every bone in his body was screaming to move away, not because he was scared of Remus but because they were ridiculously high up. And even though, Sirius wasn't exactly scared of heights, he was damn terrified of dying. 'How did you know it was me?'

Remus opened his eyes and smiled. 'I sensed you.'

Sirius shivered in the cold, and Remus reached out to the bed and pulled a blanket over him. Sirius looked at his friend gratefully. 'Listen, I wanted to say sorry.' He hung his head low as he pulled the blanket closer to his body. 'For my behaviour…I shouldn't have-'

'I don't blame you, Sirius. You reacted just like anyone else would,' Remus's voice cracked a little. 'It's nothing I haven't seen before.'

Sirius bit his lip. He hated it when Remus berated himself, but he'd seen the haunted look in his friend's eyes, and he knew that Remus's low self-esteem was not a creation of his own.

'I thought you hated me,' said Remus, shifting his gaze back to the stars.

'Never!' exclaimed Sirius so suddenly that Remus jumped. 'I-' He bit his lip again. 'Remus?'

Amber eyes looked at him curiously, as their owner shifted himself a little farther from the edge. Another outburst like that and Sirius would send him tumbling down. 'Hm?'

'Can I…you know…hug you?' mumbled Sirius, blushing. What was wrong with him? A hug? Why? Why would he want a hug? Why was he being so stupid? And how was it that every time he was with Remus, he found himself going all soft and… _ugh!_

Remus laughed, and immediately pulled Sirius into a warm embrace, letting the blanket fall in between them. He ran nimble fingers through soft black hair, as he felt his friend dig in deeper. 'You didn't have to ask, Sirius.'

* * *

 


	10. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, Third year…** _

Whoever said Sirius Black and James Potter were the most charismatic and attractive third years in Hogwarts were either insanely blind or were yet to meet Remus Lupin. At least in Sirius's opinion.

It had all started the day posters for the Halloween Ball had been put up on the notice boards. They'd all been at dinner, stuffing their faces with lasagna and chicken, for once, not really interested in causing havoc. The entire hall was noisy with chatter, where the girls were restless over what costumes they would wear and who were going to be their potential partners for the dance. The boys on the other hand, James, Peter, Sirius and Remus included, had better things to be excited about.

'I heard the seventh years are going to spike the punch!' exclaimed Peter, spraying James and Sirius with chicken.

Sirius wiped his face with a napkin in disgust. 'You can barely hold your food, Pettigrew. Alcohol is hardly an option.'

Peter huffed indignantly and Remus patted him sympathetically in the back.

'Did you manage to get a date yet, Pete, or are you planning to go stag?' asked James from beside Sirius. His eyes drifted a little to the right where Evans was sitting.

'Nah, I managed to get Fiona Edgecomb to go with me,' Peter replied proudly.

Sirius stifled a chuckle. 'She's the right size for you, too. Have you seen her-OWW!' he yelped, as Remus kicked him in the shins. 'What did you do that for?'

Remus ignored Sirius and turned to Peter instead. 'Good for you, Peter. I'm sure she's very nice.'

James rolled his eyes. 'Well, I'm taking Harriett Noon, the new seeker in Ravenclaw.'

Sirius smirked at his best friend. He knew exactly why James was taking her – Harriett's lips were a legend in the third year boy's dorms - but then again, who was he to judge? He did this sort of thing all the time. He'd decided to take Tyra Stevens to the ball. It only seemed logical, since the whole school thought she was his girlfriend. Sirius himself didn't particularly see it that way, but he wasn't complaining. She let him snog her when he felt like it, didn't ask him to spend much time with her, and she kept away the rest of the annoying girls from swooning over him. She was, in other words, convenient.

'What about you, Rem,' James said, winking at him. 'You find anyone to go with?'

Remus shrugged, swallowing the last of his food and putting down his fork. 'Actually, I'm –'

That's when Remus was cut off by a very pretty girl tapping on his shoulder. Sirius remembered her, not by name but by her face. He remembered liking her long brown curls and commenting flirtatiously on her bright blue eyes. He also remembered that she'd been particularly annoying. Throughout their short relationship, it seemed, she could do nothing but talk about how sweet, kind, and wonderful Remus was. Sirius didn't need some Hufflepuff bint to tell him how wonderful Remus was. He already knew it. He practically _lived_ with the boy!

Even now, Sirius could feel himself scowling. He didn't like the way she looked at Remus. Not one bit. He pretended not to care, as he watched through hooded lids, transfixed at how Remus turned his head ever so slowly, brushing an errant strand of hair out of his eyes elegantly. So elegantly that one could have mistaken it as the touch of a breeze. Then, he smiled. Sirius loved Remus's smile. It was just barely there, but it always managed to reach his eyes and spoke of warmth, and friendliness, and compassion. Till today, that smile never failed to calm Sirius down. And judging by the way the girl's shoulders relaxed, Sirius could only assume that he wasn't the only one who thought so.

'Hello, Clarissa,' said Remus, looking up at her.

Clarissa smiled. 'Hey, Remus. Listen, I was wondering…'She tucked her hair behind her ears. 'I mean, you know, if you wanted to go to the ball with me?'

 _The nerve,_ fumed Sirius.  _As if he would._

Remus's smiled never faltered, as he took both her hands in his and leaned up to place a chaste kiss on her cheek. Clarissa blushed a violent red, her blue eyes instantly glazing over.

'What a flirt,' James muttered, voicing Sirius's own thoughts.

'I'm sorry, Clarissa. I wish you'd asked me sooner, but I already asked Lily to go with me,' replied Remus, looking towards Lily and smiling.

Both Sirius and James's forks fell out of their hands and noisily onto their plates. They looked at each other disbelievingly.  _No fucking way._

Her face fell. 'Oh,' she said, disappointedly. 'Okay. I'll see you around then.' She shot a nasty look towards where Lily Evans was sitting and then left towards the Hufflepuff table.

Peter whistled. 'So you're going with Evans, eh?' he said, nudging Remus playfully in the ribs.

James and Sirius both shut their gaping mouths, but James was the first to speak among the two of them. 'Do you like her?' he asked immediately.

Remus piled a large spoonful of pudding into his bowl. 'Not in the romantic sense, no.' He saw both Sirius and James let out a sigh of relief and smiled as they both picked their forks up again to resume eating. It was comical really, the way everything they did was so unintentionally synchronized – like conjoint twins. 'She's a good friend, and I figured it would be best to take someone I'm comfortable talking to rather than some complete stranger who only looks pretty on the outside.'

Sirius and James nodded, albeit grudgingly. Sirius, for one, didn't like where this was going.

'Well, good for you, mate,' said Peter, ruffling Remus's hair.

Neither of them noticed their two best friends shoot two very different glances towards Lily Evans, across the table.

* * *

 

It was the evening before the ball and the common room was practically deserted, mostly because people, like Frank Longbottom, were busy preparing their costumes for the ball or trying to get a goodnight's sleep like monsieur Peter Pettigrew. However, others like James Potter and Sirius Black took this free time as an opportunity to glare at the back of their best friend's head.

Said best friend, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to the murderous stares he was receiving from the common room couch and was busy discussing the defining characteristics of Hinkypunks with a certain red head.

'Look at them,' muttered Sirius, growling, as Evans laughed loudly at something Remus said and rested her hand over his. 'You would think they were glued to each other.'

James scowled at the very same scene. 'All cosied up and  _studying,_ ' he said, disgruntled. 'Every single hour of every single day.'

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. 'It's like I don't even exist anymore.' He picked ruthlessly at the sleeve of his sweater. 'I don't even remember when he spent some time with us last.'

Now, anyone who knew James and Sirius well enough could have easily detected the exaggeration in their speech. For one, Remus had only helped them with their homework four hours ago and engaged in a friendly little dogfight on James's bed later, only stopping when Peter decided he was tired and needed sleep. Also, (as Remus Lupin would argue), he really didn't spend  _that_  much time with Lily Evans. He just helped her out occasionally with schoolwork when she asked for it. So she came a little more frequently than she used to, it wasn't really enough to be miffed over.

'He?' James startled suddenly, as if realising what they were talking about. 'Oh! Er…yeah,' he said ruffling his hair. 'Yeah, I mean, we're supposed to be his bestest and closest friends, not that Evans girl.'

'Absolutely,' agreed Sirius. He looked back at Remus, and his eyes widened comically as Evans moved her chair closer and leaned over the brunette. That's when something in Sirius finally snapped. 'Right. That's it.' He stood up, grabbing James by the wrist. 'We're getting Remus back.'

Remus, the poor naïve boy, was so deeply immersed in the subject of Hinkypunks that he'd completely overlooked Lily Evan's obvious advances. In fact, it was only when he felt two arms wrap underneath his arm pits and over his shoulders, did he come back to the real world. He slowly looked up, to find the looming figures of his two best friends on either side of him.

'Er…guys?' he asked hesitantly.

'Good evening, Remus. How are you faring this wonderful day?' said Sirius pleasantly, his accent sounding even more posh than usual. He glared at Lily from the corner of his eyes.

James, on the other hand, grinned at the red head and ran his unoccupied hand through his black hair. 'Sorry, Evans. Pressing matters, you see. And drastic times  _do_  call for drastic measures.'

Sirius scowled. 'So if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking Remus with us.'

With that, the two of them hoisted Remus out of his chair by his armpits and walked out of the portrait hole, leaving Lily Evans blinking in her seat in confusion. She finally huffed and got up to pack her books. Honestly, those boys had no tact or manners, unlike Remus…

* * *

 

'See you at the ball, lads!' screamed out Remus as he flung his first copy of  _Marvin the Mad Muggle_ on to the bed and picked up a small bouquet of flowers on the way. He was a little more than late, but he'd gotten caught up with the comic, and James and Sirius had 'forgotten' to remind him of the time.

He ran down the stairs and would have almost collided with Lily Evans if he hadn't caught himself at the right time. 'Hi,' he panted out, still trying to catch his breath. 'Have you been waiting long?'

Lily frowned and crossed her arms. 'I have, actually.'

Remus grinned and gracefully held out the bouquet to her. 'Sorry. Mum says flowers always make a girl happy. Oh, and you look really pretty.'

Lily rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smile spreading across her face. 'Fine,' she said exasperatedly, accepting the flowers and inwardly marveling at how beautiful they were. She cocked her head, as she surveyed his costume. 'So, what are you supposed to be?'

Remus rubbed the back of his neck abashedly. 'I'm not really sure. Dressing up seemed…difficult, so I figured I'd just go as the 'Remus outside school'. Besides, mum always says my hair's too long for any respectable boy my age, so I was also hoping I'd look like a thug or something.'

Lily laughed as her eyes raked over Remus's slim form. He was wearing a pair of ordinary denim jeans, a plain white t-shirt and a black jacket to finish. It was true; he  _had_  probably donned the first pair of casuals he'd gotten his hands on, but still…he looked absolutely adorable, in Lily's opinion, at least.

'So, my dear, Miss Evans, shall we leave? I was under the impression we were late,' said Remus, offering her his elbow.

Lily startled out of her thoughts, blushed, and took the proffered hand.

The ball had gone remarkably well, according to Remus. Taking Lily had been a smart choice. She was intelligent, an avid conversationalist, and she despised dancing as much as he did, which gave Remus the opportunity to concentrate on the excellent food without appearing too impolite. He avoided the punch, however. It wasn't a good idea to get drunk when you had so many secrets to hide.

In fact, the entire evening had gone splendidly until the end of the ball, when he and Lily had walked back to common room. Remus had escorted her to the front of the stairs leading to the girl's dormitories, and they had both paused to say good night before heading off to bed.

'Thanks for a wonderful evening, Remus,' said Lily, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.

Remus smiled. 'Pleasure. I don't know what I'd be doing without you,' he said sincerely. 'Probably dancing all night to some song I don't even like with some giggly girl or something.'

Lily smiled shyly, fidgeting with her dress. 'Yeah, I guess.'

Remus ignored the odd behaviour. 'Well, goodnight, then,' he said, bending down to place a chaste kiss on her cheek.

However, just when he'd come close enough, Lily suddenly turned her head, so that his lips brushed over hers in a brief kiss. Remus immediately jumped back, eyes wide with shock.  _What the hell?_  Lily, on the other hand, seemed to be staring at him with a flicker of hope on her face.

He touched his lips with his fingers. 'Lily…'

Lily reached out for his hand. 'I like you, Remus… _a lot_.'

Remus snatched his hand back as if it had been burned. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to be good friends and that's all. Why did she have to make things so complicated? 'I-I'm sorry you feel that way, Lily. And I like you, too, I do, but just as a friend.'

She looked determinedly into his eyes. 'Why did you ask me then? Why did you ask me to go to the ball with you?'

Remus looked away, shrugging. 'I-You were the closest friend I had who was a girl. I just thought –'

'Thought what, Remus?' she lashed out, losing control of herself before he could complete his sentence.

Remus's eyes widened, as he unconsciously took a step back. 'I don't know…'

She looked away, trying and failing to hide her tears. 'Damn it, Remus! You can't just be so wonderful to me and then tell me that I'm just a friend!'

He ran a shaking hand through his hair. 'I'm sorry. I-This wasn't supposed to mean anything,' he said desperately, hoping she'd understand.

Suddenly, Lily grabbed him by his shoulders and kissed him hard on the mouth, slipping one hand to his neck to keep him from moving away. Remus stiffened, and he just stood there while she kissed him, unmoving and unresponsive. His mind was in frenzy and his body screamed to move away, but he couldn't do that without hurting her.

When she's finally pulled away, her eyes were red and shining with tears. 'It meant something to me,' she whispered, looking down. 'It meant something to me,' she repeated loudly this time, tightening her hold on Remus's neck when she felt him trying to move away. She looked back into his shocked amber eyes, her sorrow now replaced by a growing anger. 'You're horrible, Remus Lupin. Did you know that?' she whispered viciously, moving her face dangerously close to his. 'You're so selfish that you never bother to look outside yourself to notice, or consider other people's feelings. You don't care about anyone, or anything around you. There's just you, and those friends of yours.'

Remus's expression changed to something completely unreadable. 'Lily, don't,' he said trying to dislodge her grip as gently as he could.

Lily laughed bitterly and let him go, climbing higher up the stairs. 'You run around with Black and Potter, having fun at other's expense. I bet  _this_  was just another one of your sick jokes, wasn't it? Let's see who can stomp on Lily Evan's heart first or get her first kiss. Well, you win, I guess.' She looked at him with so much hatred and contempt that Remus inwardly flinched. 'I hate you, Remus Lupin. I hate you so much,' she whispered before disappearing into the bend.

Remus stared at the staircase for a while, not quite in shock, but still unbelieving of how a perfect evening could have spiralled to rock bottom, so fast. He finally sighed, running a tired hand over his face and walked to the couch beside the common room fire. Instead of sitting on the couch, he flopped down heavily on the ground, letting his head fall back on the soft red cushion. He could still hear Lily's spiteful words in his head and as much as he knew that they'd only been uttered in a fitful of anger, it still hurt.

He sighed again, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of the fire calm him. 'Do you usually watch your best friends non-existent love life crumble in the common room, Sirius, or is this just a passing phase?'

There was a loud crash of someone stumbling down the stairs, and Sirius appeared in front of him moments later, fighting a bright shade of red that was slowly creeping into his face.

'How did you know I was there?' he said, straightening his hair with his hands.

Remus lifted his head, allowing Sirius to sit on the couch above him. 'I sensed you.'

Sirius tucked his feet underneath him, as he settled down. 'You always say that,' he said, frowning. 'Is it the wolf?'

Remus chuckled. 'No, it's the boy.'

Sirius bit his lip, as he looked into Remus's eyes. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on the conversation between Evans and his friend. He'd just been returning from the ball himself, when the two of them had come in and for some reason or the other, took to hiding in the stairwell. He would have gladly smashed Evans's face if he could but at that time, he figured Remus wouldn't exactly appreciate his best friend spying on him, even if it  _were_  accidental.

Sirius knew that despite the façade, his friend was hurt by Evans's words, and he struggled to say something even remotely reassuring. This  _comfort_  thing wasn't exactly his field of expertise. It was usually James or Remus who took care of them with encouraging words and pats on the back. But then again, Sirius realised as he looked down, he didn't have to do anything because Remus had made himself comfortable on his own, laying his head down on Sirius's left leg. Sirius watched amber eyes close slowly in reaction to his hands unconsciously carding through honey brown locks.

It was odd, thought Sirius. Only a year ago, he had despised and scorned any sort of physical contact. However, it was hard to avoid something like that when you lived with Peter, James and Remus…especially Remus, who seemed to crave affection before and after full moons. Perhaps it was because of his upbringing; perhaps it was because the gesture made him feel human. Whatever it was, Sirius liked to think that Remus turned more to him than James or Peter.

'What are you doing back so early?' asked Remus, hugging Sirius's knee.

'I got tired. Peter and James got here earlier and passed out before they made it to the bed. I warned them against the punch,' said Sirius in a condescending tone.

Remus chuckled. 'And let me guess, unlike our two drunken little friends, the great Sirius Black is as steady as a pole?'

Sirius rolled his eyes, though Remus didn't see it. 'Of course. I've been served alcohol since the age of seven. A few drops into the punch are hardly going to get me inebriated.'

'Mm…' Remus traced the outline of a star just above the knee of Sirius's purple robes. 'Sirius, who are you supposed to be?'

Sirius snorted. 'Merlin.'

Remus frowned. 'I thought Merlin had a long white beard with hair to match. You know…Dumbledore style.'

Sirius rolled a lock of brown hair between his fingers. 'Yes, but the beard makes me look old. I merely assumed Merlin must have been young at some point in his life, so why not honour that age?'

Remus laughed. 'You're insane, you know that, right?'

'I like to think of myself as unique.'

'Yeah, if unique is another word for, completely off your rockers.'

Sirius mock huffed. 'Now you're just being hurtful, Remus Lupin.'

Remus closed his eyes again, pressing his cheek further into Sirius's thigh. 'Well, I'm just that horrible, aren't I?'

It was supposed to come out as a lighthearted comment, but it didn't take a genius to see that Remus believed every word of it.  _That bitch,_  thought Sirius, before he roughly grabbed Remus's chin to face him. 'Oi, you're nothing of the sort, do you understand me?' He stroked his friend's cheek affectionately with his thumb. 'You're smart, kind, witty, and you're  _my_  best friend. That stupid bint doesn't know what she's talking about. You can't help it if you're irresistible to the ladies.'

Remus laughed, snuggling deeper into Sirius's robes. 'You always know what to say, Sirius.'

* * *

 

Sirius sighed and rested his head against the train window. This Christmas had been particularly nasty. The rows between his mother and him seemed to be increasing in intensity with every year passing. He didn't know why he even bothered to go back home anymore. Well, it was good to be going back to school in any case. He missed his friends terribly as much as he hated to admit it. There was very little entertainment at Grimmauld place, and Regulus was even more of an arrogant bastard than Sirius had been at that age. At least, he'd been a smart, arrogant bastard, but Regulus…Regulus seemed to have inherited a large part of Narcissa's brain cells.

Suddenly, there was whisper in his ear. 'Sirius…'

Sirius shivered involuntarily and opened his eyes. He looked towards Peter, who was busy unwrapping a chocolate frog. 'Did you say something, Peter?'

Peter looked up, confused. 'No? Why?'

Sirius shook his head. 'Nothing. Just thought I heard something.' He'd almost closed his eyes, when he heard it again.

' _Sirius…'_

He looked around, confused. He quickly scanned the compartment for anything suspicious. Suddenly, something tugged at his leg. 'Peter, your wand out, now!' said Sirius, grabbing his own from inside his robes. He pointed it into still air, feeling foolish, but heart beating at a mad pace. 'Show yourself!'

There was silence for a while, as Sirius's eyes darted back and forth, ignoring Peter's whimpers. Then, the air in front of him burst into giggles and there was a slight shimmer before the figure James Potter emerged out of thin air, holding a silver cloak in his hands.

Sirius relaxed into the seat. 'James…'

James was still laughing, bending over and clutching his stomach. 'You should have seen your faces. Pete looked like he was going to wet himself.'

Sirius put his wand back into his pockets. 'I wouldn't be surprised if he did.' He stared with awe at the silver material in James's hands. 'An invisibility cloak. These things are impossible to get.'

James flopped down beside Peter, grinning. 'I know,' he said smugly. 'I was cleaning out the attic this Christmas as punishment and found this little beauty. It's dad's old cloak. I think he's forgotten about it, so I just…er…borrowed it. Mind you, if dad ever finds out…' He carefully folded the cloak and set it on the seat beside him. 'Is Remus here yet?'

Sirius shook his head. 'Full moon last night. I expect he'll be a little late.'

James nodded and slid out of his seat, kneeling down on the ground. 'Good. I found something else in the attic that I needed to show you.' He quickly shrugged off his bag pack and fumbled inside it, until he found what he was looking for. It was an obscenely large book with traces of dust still lingering at the edges. The pages had gone a sick yellow colour and looked as if one good blow could turn it into dust.

'What this, The Potter Family History?' asked Sirius, eyeing the book distastefully, as he and Peter joined James on the floor.

'It's a book on Transfiguration…the Animagus spell to be exact,' replied James, ignoring Sirius's sarcastic comment.

Sirius fingered the spine of the book. 'I hope it's more detailed than the ones in the library.'

James put the book back into his bag. 'It is…it's the one my dad used to pass the test.' He looked into his friend's grey eyes hesitantly. 'But Sirius, I still don't understand why we can't tell Remus. I mean, it's a great idea, and Remus is really smart. He could even help us with the spell.'

Sirius frowned as Peter nodded agreeably from beside James. 'Do you really think Remus would permit such illegal behaviour…even if it was for his sake? Besides, we're not even sure if our theory is correct.' He shook his head and got up to sit back on the seat. 'No, it's best if we do this ourselves.'

'But what if it goes wrong?' asked Peter meekly.

Sirius shrugged and looked out the window. 'We'll take it as it comes. Now, shut up. Remus is here.'

James grinned and got up. He quickly grabbed the invisibility cloak from the seat and flung it over himself before whispering mischievously, 'Play along with me, will you?'

* * *

 


	11. Love is a Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, Fourth Year…** _

'Lemon drops,' said John Lupin, taking a step back as the gargoyles sprang to life. 'I still don't know why you insisted on coming here with me, Remus,' he said, as he and his son began climbing up the spiral staircase. 'You're not going to weasel anything out of me. You could have put the effort in helping your mother with Christmas dinner instead.'

Remus pouted, as he brushed off snow from his hair. 'Come on, dad. Just a hint. What could Dumbledore possibly call you over Christmas for?'

John sighed irritably. He didn't understand why his son was being so damn persistent over a matter not concerning him. 'I've told you before, Remus. I. Don't. Know. Dumbledore didn't give a lot of details, and even if he had, I wouldn't have told you. So stop it, okay?'

It was obviously the end to the conversation, so Remus didn't pursue the subject further in fear of getting his father angry. It wasn't that he would have particularly cared about the dealings between his father and Dumbledore, but he had an ominous feeling that this conversation was going to be about one particular incident concerning him and Slytherin underwear.  _Damn James and his pre holiday cheer!_

John was just about to knock the door to Dumbledore's office, when they suddenly flung open and someone roughly brushed past them. Remus wasn't sure what had possessed him right then, but his head seemed to swivel on its own to follow the back of the figure, now retreating down the stairs. He wasn't really sure why he was staring, he wasn't even sure if it was a good thing or bad. All he knew was that when the man had walked past him, he'd felt an odd sort of connection.

He was so entranced that he hadn't even noticed his father disappearing into Dumbledore's office or the door clicking shut beside him.

The cloaked figure stopped suddenly as if sensing Remus's piercing gaze. Remus gulped as the man turned, revealing a face so pale that it contrasted horribly with his otherwise black hair and robes. Despite the hair falling over his face, you could still make out his sharp chiseled features and an ever rational part of Remus's brain told him that this man was supposed to be good looking. But he wasn't – his face seemed burnt and oddly distorted, and as the man bent down to his eye level, Remus noted with horror that the whites of his eyes were blood red instead.

The man smiled at him, and though it seemed sincere and charming, it lacked any sort of warmth. 'Remus,' he whispered, as he raised his hand and delicately traced Remus's jaw with a single bony finger. 'Remus Lupin.'

Remus stared into his dark eyes, transfixed, and confused, and scared all at once. He tried to ask the man how he knew him, but found that his voice had long died in his throat.

The man straightened and as if answering the question in Remus's mind, introduced himself. 'I am Voldemort.'

Remus's eyes widened. He knew of Voldemort, of course. Who didn't? Professor Slughorn often spoke very highly of him, the Ministry pined after him, but he was a man of his own. He was supposed to be a genius, a scientist, who experimented with magic of all sorts, irrespective of whether it was dark or otherwise. There were a few rumours and disapprovals over his methods but they were a small minority and more often than not, dismissed. Many claimed that he was destined to be an even greater wizard than Dumbledore, but Remus doubted it. No one was greater than Albus Dumbledore.

'You're a student here,' said Voldemort in a smooth and silky voice.

It was more of a statement than a question, so Remus didn't bother replying. Not that he could anyway. He was feeling oddly exposed as Voldemort looked at him intently. As if ever embarrassing part of his life was being laid down before this mysterious man and all Remus could do was watch, as he was scrutinised, analysed, and picked apart.

'Such power,' Voldemort said slowly, leaning closer and trailing his hand down Remus's neck, brushing over the registry code hidden underneath his shirt collar. He smiled as the boy shivered under his touch. 'But you're tainted, Remus…' His hand traveled lower, stopping in the middle of Remus's chest. 'By this…'

Remus felt cold grip tightly at his heart, and he abruptly stepped back, overwhelmed and clutching at his chest. His heart was beating at a furious pace, enough to make his ribs crack. His lungs felt like they were going to collapse any minute, and he struggled to take deep breaths. His mind was already fuzzing over the lack of oxygen.

Voldemort chuckled and let his hand drop. 'Don't be afraid of the power you hold within, Remus. Embrace it, manipulate it, and watch as the world bows down to you.' He caught Remus's eyes and held them. 'There's so much I could teach you, so much you could learn, but it would seem,' he said solemnly, looking towards the doors to Dumbledore's office, 'that I am not welcome here.'

There was a gust of wind, a swish of cloak and before Remus could register what Voldemort had said, he'd vanished, almost as if he'd never been there at all; as if it had just been a dream, a very  _bad_  dream…

Remus felt his knees go weak, and he slumped down on the floor, leaning his head against the wall behind him. This man… _Voldemort_ …he'd known about Remus…known his name…his…condition… _but how_ …and all the things he'd said... Remus found himself shaking and sweating, as he remembered Voldemort's silky voice and subtle touches. His registry code throbbed dully where it had been touched and though  _he_  was gone, Remus could still feel the ghost of Voldemort's fingers running over his skin. He swallowed heavily. It wasn't fear that he was feeling right then. No, it was more of a feeling of complete helplessness…he felt weak and insignificant…and cold,  _so cold…_

He could hear his father's voice through the doors but it sounded far off, and he couldn't bring himself to listen or care. 'Don't you think you're overreacting, Dumbledore?'

'At the pace the ministry is going, I can't help but take precautions, John. However, I understand if you're reluctant to-'

'Don't be ridiculous, Dumbledore.' The handle turned. 'You know I'm there.'

The doors swung open. 'Then welcome to the Order, John Lupin.'

Both John and Dumbledore stopped dead in their tracks as their eyes fell down to the small figure, flaccid against the wall. 'Remus?

Remus seemed to have finally noticed them and got up suddenly, eyes still a little unfocused. 'Oh, hi, dad!' He tried to sound cheerful but his voice cracked horribly in the end.

John frowned and reached out a hand to his son's forehead. It was as cold as the snow outside; yet, his hand came back wet with sweat. Remus's face was as pale as death and occasional tremors ran through his body. They weren't noticeable to the untrained eye, but John Lupin had gone through enough full moons to be able to detect even the smallest changes. 'What's wrong? You were fine when I left you.'

Remus didn't hear his father's question. He had already closed his eyes, when he'd felt large calloused fingers running through his sweat soaked hair. There was comfortable warmth spreading through ever fibre of his body and through those small gestures of concern, seeped in his father's courage, strength, and compassion.

John Lupin looked at Dumbledore quizzically, as his son leant closer into him. Remus was never the one for public displays of affection. At home, he was like a puppy, but he usually shied away from anything of the sort outside because it was apparently embarrassing to be babied by his parents at fourteen.

Dumbledore just smiled, an odd twinkle in his vibrant blue eyes. 'It's strange, isn't it, John,' he said, stroking his beard. 'How despite all our advancements, love still remains to be the most powerful magic of all.'

* * *

 

'I wish you'd stop staring, Sirius. It's really quite disconcerting,' said Remus quietly from the window ledge of the boy's dormitory.

Sirius didn't even bother to ask how Remus knew it was him without turning. It was always the same answer, and it always left him confused every time he heard it. Instead, he walked over to ledge and sat himself beside Remus, leaning slightly against the frame.

'You did well in practice today,' said Remus, putting his book down. He looked at Sirius and smiled. 'I was watching you guys. James is still showing off to Peter.'

'Hm,' Sirius agreed non committally, sparing a glance towards the figure of James Potter in the field. He was really more interested in the scar on Remus's neck. He'd never actually seen it before since his friend usually preferred to cover it up with clothing or hair. But Remus seemed to have put his defenses down today, choosing to leave his shirt barely draped over his shoulders, buttons open. The wind occasionally blew his brown hair away from his neck, exposing the faint red scar that ran down to his shoulder. 'You still have the werewolf scar,' said Sirius, finally giving in and tracing the mark with his fingers.

Remus reached up for his neck, his hand brushing past Sirius's. 'Yeah…yeah, I do. Wait,' he said, frowning and looking at his friend. 'How did you-'

'I have my sources,' Sirius cut in. His hand still hadn't left the scar and instead traveled higher, moving on to the base of Remus's neck where he was sure he'd seen something else. Something that looked a lot like a bruise.

Remus closed his eyes, biting his lip. 'Sirius, please, don't,' he whispered.

Sirius ignored him, moving away Remus's soft hair from his neck to his shoulders.

'Sirius,' pleaded Remus, almost desperate, his fists now clenching tightly. He was already uncomfortable with people touching his registry code, but then memories of his encounter with Voldemort were coming back to him. The way cold had swept over him when Voldemort had touched the base of his neck, the fear, the vulnerability.

_Remus…Remus Lupin…_

'Shh…' There it was, the discolouration he'd seen, but it wasn't any ordinary bruise. No, it had a sort of pattern – a number and letters. Sirius traced them slowly with one finger, memorising it with ever stroke.  **RJL – 200488 – 18.**

_Don't be afraid of the power you hold, Remus. Embrace it, manipulate it…_

Sirius yelped as Remus suddenly grabbed him by the wrists and forcefully pushed him over ledge, so that part of his body from waist up was outside - hanging in mid air with only Remus's firm grip keeping him from falling down. Sirius went still in fear of falling. The wind whipped his hair wildly beneath him, and he tried not to look down through the corner of his eyes. Instead, he focused on the feral glint in Remus's eyes.

Remus leaned down closer to Sirius's face, tightening his grip on his wrist and pushing him further down. 'I told you. Not. To. Touch. It,' he growled through clenched teeth.

Suddenly, Sirius burst out laughing. He didn't know why. The situation wasn't even remotely funny. Maybe it was over the irony that he'd always thought of Remus as the prissy, non violent sort. Maybe it was because he liked Remus this way - dangerous and out in the open, with Sirius's life at his mercy. It was exhilarating and exciting, and just another mysterious shade of Remus Lupin waiting to be discovered.

The glint in Remus's eyes disappeared, and he frowned at Sirius's unexpected behaviour. Sirius took Remus's momentary confusion, and hooked his right foot to Remus's thigh to pull himself upright.

He looked deep into startled amber eyes, his hand slowly, inconspicuously, going back to the base of his neck. 'What is it?'

Remus didn't move this time but that look was back, and Sirius could tell that he was fighting to restrain himself. 'It's none of you fucking business,' he said roughly.

Sirius gently rubbed the back of Remus's neck. He should have been angry. Angry at Remus for nearly killing him. Angry for denying him the truth, for hiding things from him when he knew that Sirius  _cared_  for him. He should have been angry for  _making_  Sirius care for him…but he wasn't. In fact, he found himself being more affectionate towards the werewolf. He already knew what those numbers represented, he'd known since he was six. 'Those bastards,' he whispered, reaching the other hand to Remus's hair to brush it away from his eyes.

Remus shivered under the gentle touch. His anger was dissipating, but his contempt was not. He didn't hate Sirius…he hated everyone, including himself. Voldemort's words were long forgotten, his mind choosing to echo every hurtful word he'd ever heard instead.

_Werewolf, beast, halfbreed…_

'Leave it be, Sirius,' he said slowly, looking away.

Sirius ignored him, resting his forehead against Remus's. The hand in his hair drifted lower to the small of Remus's back and beneath his shirt, pulling him closer. 'Those bastards,' repeated Sirius, this time with more vigour.

Neither knew who leaned in first and honestly, none of them cared because… _because_  they were kissing each other, and  _Oh God_ …Sirius had never felt anything like that, and  _shit_ …where did Remus learn to kiss like that?

Remus sucked on Sirius's lower lip, pulling it into his mouth, nipping it and licking it, urging it to kiss back with equal fervour. He felt a tongue, hot and rough and wet, rub lightly against his own when he opened his mouth. But then, it was gone, and he desperately sought it out with his own tongue, his hands working to reach the skin underneath Sirius's shirt at the same time.

It was heat. Heat like they'd never experienced before and an overbearing pressure pushing against them, drawing their bodies closer and closer together. They were drowning in each other, suffocating, completely out of control.

Then there was the sound of footsteps echoing in the stairwell and they were getting louder, and Remus and Sirius immediately sprang back. They were panting and gasping, wanting to lean against each other but refraining because at that very moment, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew burst into the room.

'Hello, chaps!' said James cheerfully. He frowned at his friend's disheveled states. 'You guys okay?'

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. 'Yeah, Remus challenged me to a fight. I'm not sure who won though.' He tried to catch Remus's eye, but his friend was staring fixedly towards the door.

'Well, I'll be going then,' said Remus shakily, buttoning up his shirt. 'I still have a lot of work to complete.'

And Remus was out before anyone could say anything.

* * *

 

That night Sirius couldn't sleep. He kept replaying the kiss over and over again in his head, trying to figure out how they'd ended up from talking to nearly killing each other to snogging each other senseless.

 _Merlin, that kiss._  It had been like nothing Sirius had ever experienced before, not with Tyra, or Melissa, or any of the other girls he'd dated. It had been beyond comprehension, beyond classification: like sex without any worldly boundaries where every nerve in your body was alive with sensation and every breath you took was short, sharp, and unnecessary because really, who cared about oxygen when you had a pair of soft lips over yours and there was warmth flowing over you, around you, inside you.

Sirius shuddered. He'd never thought about Remus this way before. Sure, he cared about him, and he'd always known that their relationship was special and different from the one he and James had shared. However, this… _this_ was a whole other field.

Did this make him queer? Sirius's lip curled at the word. It didn't sound very respectable, no matter how you put it. It always ended as a joke or a disgusting swear-word. No, he wasn't queer. His family would never accept that.  _He_  would never accept that. What he  _could_ accept though, was that he wanted to kiss Remus again. He wanted to give whatever this was between them a try. And Remus had kissed him back, hadn't he? Surely, he could explain things better or perhaps, even go along with Sirius till things did clear up for both of them.

Sirius had made up his mind. He would talk to Remus right now and sort things out, once and for all. So, he swung his legs out of bed and walked over to Remus's. He wasn't the least bit surprised when he found his friend lying on his back, staring unblinkingly at the canopy above him.

'Sirius,' he said, sitting up to make room.

Sirius sat himself at the edge of the bed, looking intently at Remus's face. Was it just him or did Remus's lips still look swollen. He took a deep breath and plunged right in. 'I want to know what happened today, Remus. I want to know what it was and if we could-'

'Forget it,' interrupted Remus.

Sirius head jerked as if he'd been slapped.

Remus closed his eyes. 'I'm sorry it happened, and I wish I could blame it on the wolf but the action was my fault entirely. I've been having a hard time lately and when you touched the registry code on my neck, things seemed to just rush back, and I lost control. I'm sorry if it caused you any inconvenience.' The words poured out all at once, shaky and unsure, as if they were being forced and would rather be something else.

Sirius blinked, trying to dismiss the sinking feeling in his stomach as hunger. He wasn't disappointed of course. That would be ridiculous. He was just a little surprised at Remus's sudden answer. 'No, it's-'

'Forget it, Sirius,' said Remus more firmly; but this time, his voice cracked. 'The more you brood on it, the more uncomfortable our friendship will become. Just…let's go back to the way we were, okay?'

Sirius nodded dumbly. It would seem he had no say in this. Moreover, Remus was right of course, he always was. It was nothing; just a way of letting out all their pent up frustration and anger, and both his and Remus's methods had always been a tad unconventional. So really, kissing shouldn't have come as a surprise. It was impulse, carnal instinct, or whatever you might call it. It wasn't like it was love or anything, right?

* * *

 


	12. I'm Going Slightly Mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Lupin Cottage…** _

_Sirius's slim body was pressed back against his, water pounding down against them. The tiles were cold under his hands, and Remus breathed deeply as he felt hot breath against the wet skin of his neck. His hand fisted tightly, nails digging painfully into his palm as their thrusts got deeper, and Sirius's moans got bolder, louder, echoing off the tiles in the bathroom, sending shivers down Remus's spine._

_Hot breath in his ears. 'Remus…'_

Remus jerked awake, his legs trapped in a tangle of sheets and his heart beating at a furious pace. He was drenched in a heavy film of sweat and as the sunlight hit his face through the crack of the curtains, he realised he was also achingly hard beneath his pajama bottoms.

Remus closed his eyes and ran a shaking hand over his face. These dreams seemed to be getting clearer and bolder with every passing day, and he couldn't seem to do anything to stop them. Ever since their kiss back in Hogwarts, Remus woke up almost every single morning almost shaking at the intensity of each dream. Part of him didn't want them to stop but this wasn't about his wants. This was about being loyal to Sirius and to himself.

He got up painfully and walked towards the bathroom, ignoring his need to brush his teeth first and directly stepping into the shower. If he thought this was going to be any sort of consolation, he was sadly mistaken. The dream came back stronger than ever, and he could almost see Sirius's naked, writhing body in front of him.

Remus closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cold tiles. 'Oh God. No. No. No.'

' _Remus…'_

Remus turned the tap to freezing cold. What was wrong with him? Only a few months ago, Sirius was like a brother to him and all of a sudden, they were kissing, leaving Remus with a mad urge to do it again.

_Black hair sticking to the sharp contours of his face…_

'Someone, please kill me,' whispered Remus to no one.

_A hot wet tounge running over the base of his neck…_

He shivered and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. He walked to the sink. The cabinet was open as usual, and he picked up his brush and toothpaste before making the mistake of closing the cabinet door. His reflection was staring back at him with more disdain than usual, jeering and mocking.

'You're not queer,' he told his mirror image firmly before swinging open the cabinet again. 'Sirius is a friend…and you? You are a werewolf.' He took a deep breath, willing himself to stay calm. He really didn't know whom he was trying to convince. 'And there are complications,' continued Remus softly. 'Even if you were attracted to him, which you are not…you can't have him. Not now, not ever.'

He nodded and started brushing, thinking things were going to look up now that he'd set his thoughts straight. He'd even come to the point where he'd managed to get his teeth clean and switched on the tap to rinse off all the paste, when a stream of hot water shot out into his hands.

'Argh!' His grip immediately loosened and his toothbrush fell - right into the toilet. 'Oh, fuck!'

This was obviously not going to be Remus's day.

He couldn't be bothered to retrieve his toothbrush and decided to just get dressed. His stomach growled relentlessly as he trudged down the stairs with his head still halfway through his shirt. All he needed was a large bowl of cereal, and Sirius or not, things would definitely get better. He'd almost made it to the kitchen door when the doorbell rang.

'Remus, baby, can you get that?' His mother's voice rang out from the kitchen.

Remus leaned his head against the door and groaned, or maybe that was his stomach.

The bell rang again. 'Remus!'

'I'm coming, I'm coming,' he muttered to no one in particular, as he dragged his feet to the door. 'Bloody- who the hell visits at this time of the day, anyway?' He swung open the door to see the least expected person in the world at his doorstep: Alastor Moody, who was failing miserably to hold up a very disgruntled John Lupin while trying to keep his errant grizzly hair out of his face.

'Don't just stand there, boy,' he growled out, shifting his weight to the other leg. 'Help me. Your father's no daisy.'

Remus shut his gaping mouth and immediately reached out for his father's free arm, letting it rest on his shoulder for support. He thanked his werewolf strength, as he felt his father's weight upon him. Moody was right. John Lupin must have weighed a good few stones.

'What happened?' asked Remus, trying to pace himself with Moody so that they didn't trip.

'Nothing happened,' snarled John. 'I keep telling Moody I'm fine, but-'

'Got a nasty shot in the leg during the patrol,' interrupted Moody. 'I would have healed it myself, but he'd have probably ended up with a transfigured duck for a leg if you catch my drift.' He grunted as he adjusted his shoulders. 'Can't walk two steps to save his life, and I couldn't trust him with his wand in this state. So I brought him home.'

'I'm fine,' said John through gritted teeth. 'Let me go, Remus.'

Remus ignored him and helped him into a nearby couch, lifting his feet up. 'Mum, can you get the first aid, please!'

John sat up on the couch, wincing at the pain in his leg. 'Don't be ridiculous, Remus, just heal it with your wand.'

Remus pushed him back down. 'I'm not allowed to use magic outside school, dad. Mum!'

Delilah Lupin burst through the kitchen door, peeved. 'What is it, Rem-Oh!' Her eyes fell on Moody. 'Hello, Alastor, what brings you here?'

Moody chuckled. 'I brought your husband back,' he said pointing towards the slumped figure on the couch.

John Lupin rolled his eyes. 'Can someone just bring the first aid kit before I decide to chop my leg off!'

'There's no need to shout, John,' huffed Del. She pushed open the kitchen door, pausing to look at Moody. 'Tea, Alastor?'

'If it's not too much trouble.'

'Pain!' growled John, looking pointedly at his wife till she'd disappeared behind the doors.

Moody grinned, his face distorting horribly. 'You're losing your touch in your old age, Lupin.'

John sat up again, shooing off Remus's hands which had started to roll up his trouser leg. 'I was outnumbered, and you know it. Five against one and that one shot me while my back was turned. Filthy, little-'

'Watch your language around Remus, John,' said Del, entering the room with a tray filled with tea, biscuits, and a first aid kit. She didn't notice the three different eye rolls or the hungry glances her son was sending towards the food. She passed over the tea to Moody while she sat herself on the couch. 'That's a nasty cut, John. How did you get it?'

'Death eaters,' muttered Moody, as he sniffed his tea and took a sip. 'Wreaking havoc in muggle pubs…think they can get away with it easily.'

'They would have too,' said John, wincing as Del cleansed the wound with antiseptic. 'If it wasn't for Dumbledore. He'd predicted from the start that something like this would happen, but the Ministry can never bother to listen. Did you see them today? They were trying to cover up the whole ordeal like it never happened. People have a right to know what's going on. They should at least get a chance to defend themselves.'

Moody grunted. 'Knowing them, they're not going to take any chances until those Death Eaters have us hanging by our ankles. It's just muggles now, but soon, it'll be the muggleborns, and then the halfbloods…'

Remus looked away from the biscuits, shifting his gaze to his father instead. He knew John Lupin was worrying over the same thing he was. Would the Death Eaters come here? Would they attack the Lupin cottage? Remus didn't want to think what would happen if they decided to attack his mother. 'Who are these people, dad?' he asked instead.

John scowled disdainfully. 'Call themselves Death Eaters, supposedly here to purify the Wizarding world. Voldemort's minions; always knew that man was no good, genius or not.'

Remus felt a sudden chill down his spine upon hearing Voldemort's name.

_Remus, Remus Lupin…_

'These people…they're purebloods then?' he asked shakily.

Moody chewed on a biscuit. 'What else can they be? Either that or they're in denial. For all their talk about pureblood supremacy, they run around wearing hoods and masks. Don't even have enough pride to show their face when they fight.'

_Don't be afraid of the power you hold within, Remus. Embrace it, manipulate it, and watch as the world bows down to you…_

The conversation continued but to Remus, their words were distant, a faded sort of sound and all he could hear was the frantic beating of his heart. Remus had realised right then what Voldemort wanted and it had nothing to do with the purity of the Wizarding world. These Death Eaters: they were just a tool; a means of getting to his goal. All Voldemort wanted was fear, complete control, and infinite power. And the worst thing was that, he was very much capable of achieving it.

'I'd better be going,' said Moody, finally getting up from the couch and breaking Remus out of his thoughts. 'Thank you for the tea, Delilah.' He chuckled as Remus's stomach gave a large growl, causing the boy to go red in the face. 'And feed that boy of yours, won't you. God knows, he needs it.'

* * *

 

It was finally official. By the end of June, Sirius Black had come to the conclusion that he'd gone mad. Completely, off his rockers, prune-y old man, insane. He didn't even know when this madness had started but in Grimmauld place, alone and agitated, it seemed to be getting worse and worse. It rendered him utterly and completely useless.

Like right now, his parents were debating over what seemed a very heated topic, judging by their and Regulus's expression. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to listen or even give a damn about what they were saying. This was unusual by itself, since Sirius usually kept his ears open (in hopes of hearing about Andromeda or Uncle Alphard) during these discussions, which more often than not, concluded with him becoming quite an active participant in his mother's screaming matches. He was the one who instigated them after all.

But today, he was sitting with a perfectly good lunch in front of him and all he could do was fiddle with it. He was unconsciously watching his mother's mouth move but no sound seemed to be coming out of it. The food in her mouth, however, was a completely different story. To think, Sirius still got rapped on the knuckles every time he tried to pull something like that. He shifted his gaze to his father, who seemed to be nodding a lot, but otherwise looking disinterested. Sirius figured the conversation was still about that ridiculous clique Lucius had joined. He couldn't quite remember the name; just that it involved walking around in horrendously distasteful Halloween costumes.

But these weren't the only symptoms Sirius was suffering from. No, these were mild, compared to…whatever you called it. This thing was beyond cure; beyond madness; it followed Sirius everywhere he went – in the bathroom, his room, the library. He couldn't get away from it - it was haunting him. Which was exactly why Sirius was only mildly surprised when he came face to face with Remus Lupin, a good five feet shorter than when Sirius last saw him and wearing a pillowcase with the Black family crest on it.  _No, not again._

'Would young Master like anything else?' asked Remus in a squeaky annoying voice that sounded oddly familiar.

Sirius stared. 'W-What?'

Remus seemed to be trying hard to not roll his eyes. 'Is Master done eating or would he like a second helping?'

Sirius blinked several times, and Remus's face instantly dissolved to be replaced by Kreature's ugly one. He recoiled slightly and looked at his plate. To his horror, he saw that he'd actually rearranged his vegetables to spell Remus's name. He quickly rubbed it away with his fork and handed the plate over to the impatient house elf.

Sirius sighed heavily. This seemed to be happening a lot lately. Everywhere he looked, he saw Remus. Only yesterday, he found himself staring into his bathroom mirror, only to find Remus right beside him, smiling serenely. But when Sirius had reached out behind him, there was nothing but air. Later, when he had tried to trip Regulus down the stairs, he had seen Remus's face attached to the back of his brother's head and stopped. Needless to say, he had been heavily disturbed.

These feelings, whatever they were, seemed to be directly connected to Remus. The best solution seemed to be denial.  _Forget you have a friend called Remus. You know no one called Remus Lupin. There is no sweet, mischievous boy in Hogwarts with the name Remus Lupin._ Sirius sighed again. It was no use. He couldn't just  _stop_  thinking about his friend, despite his firm resolution not to. Well, at least he wasn't thinking about the kiss, and how Remus's lips had felt so soft, and his skin so warm, and…

Sirius resisted the urge to bang his head against the table.

He was so occupied in thoughts of self harm that he'd hardly noticed his mother turning to speak to him. Regulus elbowed him roughly in the ribs, and Sirius startled. He looked at his mother who was staring back at him expectantly. 'I'm sorry, mother. I didn't quite catch that.'

Mrs. Black rolled her eyes at her son's impotence. 'I suggested that you join Voldemort after you graduate.'

Had Sirius been in his right mind, he would have casually ignored her but unfortunately for him, he wasn't. His was confused and agitated, and absolutely fed up with this Voldemort and his parents' conservative thinking. So, his answer had automatically shot out before he could stop himself. 'NO!'

His mother looked at him, her face reddening slightly. 'Someone has finally taken the initiative to purify the Wizarding world, Sirius and it would only be an honour to take part in Voldemort's cause. Joining the Death Eaters is not an option, it is a duty.'

'You needn't worry, mother,' cut in Regulus smugly, looking at Sirius through the corner of his eyes. 'I assure you, I fully intend to join once I've finished Hogwarts. I've already talked to Severus Snape, and he shares my sentiments.'

Sirius stood up, the palm of his hands slamming down on the table. 'You'll do nothing of the sort, Regulus.'

Regulus stood up. 'I'll-'

But he was interrupted by Orion Black, who had quietly gotten up from his seat and strode towards his eldest son. He put a hand on his son's shoulder. 'Sirius, library, now.' His stern tone held no arguments.

Sirius shot a nasty look towards his mother, who glared at him with barely controlled rage. If it hadn't been for his father interfering, he was sure she'd be screeching like the hag she was by now.

Sirius followed his father into the library and casually seated himself on one of the chairs, watching as his father paced restlessly on the expensive Persian carpet.

'I don't understand what you are trying to prove, Sirius,' said Orion Black, looking up at him. 'But it must stop, do you understand me?'

Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but his father held up a hand to silence him.

'You never used to be like this. I don't know where you learn these ludicrous theories from, and your mother and I are hoping that this is just a phase…'

Sirius stood up. 'It's not-'

'But if this constant rebellion from your side does not stop, then I will have no option but to shift you to Durmstrang instead. Either that, or you will be home tutored. I'm sure Harad will not mind it the least.' Orion Black's dark eyes had gone hard. 'The decision is yours to make,' he said, finally turning away to sit on a nearby chair.

There was a battle raging inside Sirius's head, but he finally elected to ignore it for the time being. Sirius knew he was right, and he knew that this pureblood mania was as ingrained in his parents as religion was in a priest. He didn't dare say a word against them. Hogwarts was his only sanctuary right now, and he wasn't about to throw it all away. Not when he had friends, and pranks, and Remus. He'd just have to keep his opinions to himself until he was old enough to get away from this God forsaken house. So, despite all his beliefs, he nodded.

He looked at his father who seemed satisfied with Sirius's reply. 'Good. You may leave.'

* * *

 


	13. Friends Will be Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Platform 9 ¾, Fifth Year…** _

Remus quickly closed the compartment door and pulled down his hood. That was close. To think he'd almost run into Peter on his way. Luckily, Peter had been too occupied with his Cauldron cakes to actually notice. Remus turned around, sighing in relief, and was met with the entire Prefect board staring at him curiously.

He blushed and looked at the Head Girl. 'I hope I'm not late.'

She shook her head. 'No. We were just about to start with the debriefing. Sit down.' She pointed towards the only vacant seat in the compartment: right beside the door and Lily Evans.

Remus gulped and sat down reluctantly, trying his best not to fidget too much. It wasn't that he didn't like Lily Evans but their friendship had fallen out after that fateful night during the Halloween ball. They didn't greet each other in the halls anymore or spend time studying together or even look each other in the eye. Remus had tried to reconcile, he really had, but Lily seemed keen on avoiding him and turned the opposite direction every time she saw him. It hurt every time she did that.

In the end, Sirius had convinced Remus that he was better off this way, since he couldn't get too close to people anyway. Remus had agreed grudgingly but that didn't stop him from missing her. It wasn't that James, Peter and Sirius weren't good company. They were, but at times, he craved a conversation that didn't involve getting someone's underwear stuck up the Whomping Willow.

The world was a crazy place, thought Remus. Here he was - too tall, too pale, too thin, and not even remotely good looking - and Lily Evans - one the prettiest girls in school - wanted to go out with him. And there was James of course, who had been pining after her since god knows when and all he received for his efforts were tight slaps across the face or a string of never ending verbal abuse. Sometimes Remus wondered if she refused to go out with James because she hated Remus and everything to do with him, including his friends. I mean, why else would she refuse to go out with James Potter, the most popular boy in school?

'Er…Remus?'

There was a tap on his shoulder, and Remus realised that he'd drifted off at some point during the meeting. In fact, he hadn't really heard a word that had been said. He turned to look at Lily, who was biting her lip nervously and looking down. 'Lily?' It was the first time they'd actually said anything to each other since third year.

'The meeting's over,' she said to her lap.

'Oh,' replied Remus inanely, noticing that quite a few of the prefects had already left. 'Guess we should be going then, eh?' He got up and walked to the open compartment door but not before pulling his hood over his head.

Lily blinked for a while, confused whether she should be looking at Remus or the floor. 'Remus, what's with the hood?' She paused for a while, frowning. 'No, don't tell me. You're hiding from Potter and Black.'

Remus smiled, glad that the tension between them was finally starting to break. 'I really don't fancy being attacked by those two, at least not on the first day of school. Hopefully, I'll get lucky and actually make it through fifth year alive.'

Lily laughed, shaking her head exasperatedly. 'I still don't understand why you hang out with them, Remus. They're physically exhausting, psychologically depressing, and intellectually demeaning.'

Remus held out a hand to help Lily out of her seat. 'They have good hearts,' he said, like that explained everything. Then again, for Remus, it did.

They walked down the corridor in silence after that, the only sounds being Remus's grunts, as he struggled with his prefect badge. The damn thing simply refused to come off! How was he supposed to go back to the compartment with this monstrosity stuck to his chest? And what was Dumbledore thinking? It wasn't that Remus wasn't proud. A small part of him was, especially when he'd seen his parents' beaming faces but really, what did the Headmaster expect him to do? Soothe James and Sirius and potty train them? Impossible.

'Remus?' asked Lily after a while. She was looking both nervous and amused at Remus's failed attempts to take off his badge.

'Hm?' he asked, not really looking up.

'I-It's-' She seemed to be struggling with words.

'You don't have to say it, Lily,' said Remus, tugging at his robes.

She took a deep breath. 'No, I have to. I'm really sorry, Remus,' she rushed, before losing her nerve. 'This whole thing, it wasn't even your fault, and I-'

Remus looked into her eyes with so much sincerity, that Lily felt, if possible, even guiltier. 'It's okay, Lily, really.' He frowned, looking down at his badge. 'I understand in some ways. You were just angry…' Remus pulled the badge again. 'And I wasn't helping…' Another tug. 'And maybe I was sort of leading you on…I don't know.'

'Oh for God's sake, Remus!' she grabbed him by the shoulders and clipped the badge off in one swift motion. 'It's a wonder you got it on by yourself.'

Remus grinned, stuffing the badge in his jeans pocket and pulling his hood down. 'I didn't. My mum helped me with it.'

Lily shook her head, smiling to herself. Remus hadn't changed one bit and Gods, she'd missed him. It was good to be talking to him again, even if it was just as friends. 'So…er…how's your rabbit?'

Remus stopped, raising an eyebrow. 'My what?'

'I heard it gives you a lot of trouble. Quite a furry little problem or that's what your friends keep saying anyway.'

Realisation dawned onto Remus.  _I'm going to kill James._ 'Yeah, it hasn't gotten any better but it's not that much of a problem really.'  _She must think I'm such a sap. What kind of idiot keeps a rabbit for a pet anyway?_

Lily looked at Remus admiringly.  _He so sensitive,_  she thought, before coming to a stop in front of her compartment door. She could hear her friends giggling through the steel. 'I guess I'll see you in school then.'

Remus ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to push it out of his eyes. 'Yeah. I could use a little help with potions if it's not too much to ask.'

Lily smiled. 'Of course.' She leaned over to place a chaste kiss on Remus cheek before she disappeared into the compartment.

* * *

 

'Well, I see his Highness finally decided to grace us with his presence,' said Sirius scathingly once Remus had entered their usual compartment.

James threw Peter's robes at Sirius's head. 'Chill, mate. Let me handle this.' He turned towards Remus, hands crossed over his chest. 'Where have you been, young man? Do you know how worried we were?' He wiped an imaginary tear from his eyes and looked pointedly towards Sirius. 'Your father nearly had a heart attack.'

Sirius was still glaring angrily at Remus but joined the act anyways. 'I hope you have a good explanation for your behaviour or it's bed without dinner for you.'

Remus shrugged off his robes. 'Er…I was late and couldn't find the compartment?'

'We always sit in this one,' piped up Peter before any of his friends could answer. James and Sirius nodded in agreement.

Remus ran a hand through his hair and flopped down beside Sirius. 'Okay, how about, I stopped at the food trolley to buy you chaps some chocolate, but had trouble choosing?'

James tapped his chin. 'Hm…better but needs work.'

Remus frowned, trying to think of a better alibi. 'Er…I bought all of you muggle chocolates in hopes of buying my way out of this lie?'

Sirius grinned, clapping Remus on the shoulder. 'Now you're talking. Hand it over.'

Remus bent down and fished his trunk for the box of chocolates he'd bought before coming to the station. It had actually been a sort of present from his grandmother for becoming a prefect but he figured he'd share it anyway.

Once the box was empty, Remus relaxed, automatically resting his head on Sirius's lap, content with just listening to his friends talk about their summers. He could feel Sirius's warm hand resting on his chest, and he sighed audibly. After some time, when Remus opened his eyes, he noticed that Sirius was staring at him fixedly, not really taking part in the ongoing conversation anymore.

Remus curiously cocked his head to the side. 'Hello.'

Sirius's eyes softened, and he mimicked Remus's movement. 'Hey.' His hair tumbled over his eyes, and he frowned as Remus laughed.

'You've grown,' said Remus off handedly, reaching out a hand to push away Sirius's soft, black hair. It was true; Sirius was hardly an a few inches shorter than Remus now, and he seemed to have filled out more. He'd cut his hair again and unlike Remus's, it actually managed to stay neat but had gained a similar property of constantly falling over his eyes. It was cute, thought Remus, though Sirius wouldn't be very pleased with the statement.  _Cute_  just wasn't aristocratic or sexy enough.

Sirius caught Remus's hand just as it was about to move away and kissed the heel of his palm softly. 'How were the full moons?' he asked, his lips brushing over Remus's wrist with every word he spoke.

'Mm…could have been better.' Remus twined his fingers with Sirius's. It seemed his brain had taken a holiday from the moment he'd sat beside Sirius, and he found himself reciprocating and enjoying Sirius's subtle touches. They were inconspicuous to anyone beside themselves and the touches were barely there but with every bit of contact, Remus felt a stream of heat coursing down his spine. 'I missed you guys,' he added, letting his eyes drift to a close.

Sirius chuckled as the fingers that had been toying with the hem of his shirt tickled the skin underneath. 'Yeah? I missed  _you_.'

'When you two are done snogging each other's brains out, I think I found out why our little friend here, was late.'

Remus jerked at the sound of James's voice. Suddenly realising the position he was in, he shot out of his friend's lap and moved to the sit at the farthest end of the seat, a good distance away from Sirius.  _What the hell were you doing? Stupid, stupid, stupid._ But he couldn't suppress the shudder that overtook his body, as he felt the ghost of Sirius's lips on his skin.

Sirius, on the other hand, seemed more peeved than shocked. 'What is it, Potter?' He growled out, running a frustrated hand through his hair. He looked at the empty space on his lap and growled even louder.  _Damn you, James._ He didn't even know what he was so pissed about. Just that he had every intention of pulverising his black haired friend.

James got up, smirking. 'What is it, Sirius? Angry 'cause I interrupted your little love fest?'

Remus broke into a fit of coughs.

Sirius looked like he was about to bite his best friend's head off. He was even more annoyed when he saw Peter sniggering at James's comment. 'Get to the point.'

James laughed and patted Remus on the back till his coughs subsided. 'Well, our little Remus is hiding something from us. Or at least trying to...' His grin got even wider at Remus's startled look. 'But you should know by now, Remy baby,' said James, waggling a parental finger. 'That you can't hide anything from ol' James.' He slid his hand into Remus's jeans pocket.

Sirius immediately sprang up from his seat. 'Hands off, Potter!' he snarled, grabbing James by the shoulders and shoving him into the ground. 'What the hell are you trying to do? Molest him?'

James smiled up from the ground smugly, already clutching something in the ball of his fist. He looked at Remus, eyes sparkling with mischief.

Remus got up frantically. 'James, no!'

James grinned and ignoring Remus's plea, uncurled his fingers, revealing a shiny silver prefect's badge. Sirius stopped mid pounce, Peter mouth clamped shut, and Remus fell heavily to the ground, muttering ' _shit, shit, shit'_  into his hands.

'Being a bit melodramatic, aren't we?' asked James, pushing himself up with his hands and straightening his shirt. He surveyed the prefect's badge. 'Looks like our little baby's finally grown to be a responsible adult, Sirius.'

Sirius snatched the badge from his friend's hand and inspected it warily. A prefect? Remus? There was a small pause, then: 'Think of the possibilities,' whispered Sirius slowly looking up. His anger was long forgotten and there was a conspiratory glint in his eyes as his lips quirked upwards in a sneaky grin.

James chuckled and slung an arm around his friend's shoulders. 'The pranks we could get away with.'

Sirius met James's eyes. 'The detentions we could avoid.'

James squealed like a girl, pulling Remus up and pinching his cheeks in excitement. 'Oh Remy, we're so proud of you! Give Jamie-boy a tight hug, eh?'

Remus didn't really have to  _give_  'Jamie-boy' a hug; James invited himself into it and squished him tight enough to crack his ribs. Remus didn't mind, honestly speaking (apart from the crappy nickname). He was a bit relieved in fact. His friends' reactions were much better than he'd expected. Oh, who was he kidding; their reactions were great. A little unlawful but who cared, right?

'I didn't say you could go back to groping him,' snarled Sirius, trying to pry off James's arms. He didn't understand why James insisted on _touching_  Remus so bloody much.

James looked teasingly at his friend and then winked at Remus. 'Aw…jealous, are we? But Sirius, I love him sooo much,' cooed James flirtatiously, hugging Remus even tighter and giving a quick peck on each of his cheeks.

'You're dead, Potter!'

Remus laughed, as they broke into a play fight, kicking and screaming while each of them tried to get the upper hand. He'd have given up anything, anything in the world, to have this one moment frozen forever. This was life - his life - and it was very near perfect. Now if only he could sort out these feelings he had for Sirius…

* * *

 


	14. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, Fifth Year…** _

Sirius slid the heavy bag off his shoulders and collapsed on to his bed, clutching his chest tightly. He was dying, he was sure of it. Nothing else could explain this excruciating pain he was feeling right in the centre of his chest. He was practically gasping for air and every short breath he took was like a hot iron rod piercing through his chest. His heart was pumping wildly, beating a painful tattoo against his chest. The rest of his body felt non- existent, every nerve cell being concentrated in one place alone.

What was happening to him? He'd even gone to the Infirmary to get himself checked, but Madame Pomfrey had dismissed him, saying that he was as healthy as a peach. Yet, he felt weak…and  _God_ …why wasn't it stopping? Sirius tried to clear his head and think back to when this pain had started:

' _Morning, Remus,' said James, stifling a yawn._

_Remus seemed deeply immersed in his homework. 'Hey, James,' he replied, without looking up._

' _Homework?' asked James, peering over the table._

' _Yeah. I didn't feel like completing it last night.'_

_James shrugged and sat beside Peter. 'Mind if I copy it when you're done?'_

_Sirius wasn't much of a morning person, so he didn't bother greeting anyone as he walked to the opposite side from James. If that wasn't bad enough, he'd just noticed Remus writing furiously on his second roll of parchment and remembered that he was yet to complete that very assignment, and it was due today. Ah well, he'd just copy it along with James._

_Sirius had hardly gotten to his seat when he saw Remus's shoulders tense. He ignored it but as soon as he sat down, Remus shot up from his chair._

' _Here,' said Remus, shoving his homework towards James. 'Just don't spill anything on it.'_

_And with that, he'd walked off without sparing a single glance at Sirius._

That was a month ago but had definitely been the first time Sirius felt it. At that time, however, it had just been a sharp twang. Nothing serious and it had hardly lasted a few seconds. As the days passed by, the pain seemed to get worse and so did Remus's behaviour towards him.

Sirius found no logic in the conclusion he'd reached. It was irrational and absolutely ridiculous, but the facts were against him. This ache - it seemed to be connected to Remus and every time the amber eyed boy ignored him, the pain got louder and more pronounced. Moreover, it seemed to be happening a lot lately, and he didn't understand why. Had he done something wrong?

Remus avoided him like plague everywhere he went. If Sirius turned right, then Remus would turn left. If Sirius touched him, he'd flinch away like he'd been burnt. If Sirius asked him a question, his replies would be short and sharp. If Remus could help it, he would avoid talking to him entirely but didn't hesitate to freely converse with James or Peter.

Then, there was that Evans girl. She was talking to Remus again, and they were spending more time together than ever. Sirius hated it. Hated  _her._ He didn't understand how Remus could be friends with her again, especially after what she'd said to him. That's what had brought Sirius storming to the dorm right now. The sight of the two of them was sickening, and he was jealous because Remus was telling her things he never bothered to tell Sirius anymore.

Sirius shrugged off his robes and lay back on his bed. The pain was still there but in time, it would soothe out to a dull throb just like it always did. Till then, he would just have to clench his teeth and bear it.

Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair. There had to be some sort of cure for this nonsense. He didn't like feeling this weak or dependant on Remus. Remus, who was taking pleasure in disregarding him completely, while Sirius writhed in agony. Well, fuck Remus. Who needed him anyway?

'Sirius?' James Potter's head peeked out of the door. He grinned when he saw Sirius and walked over to his bed. 'Good, you're here. I was thinking that - you alright, mate?' James asked, frowning at the sight of his best friend lying on the sheets, clutching at his shirt.

'I'm fine,' replied Sirius through gritted teeth. 'What do you want James?'

James rested a concerned hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'You sure?'

Sirius sat up, swatting James's hand away. 'Yeah, yeah, no need to mother me. You're here for something. Spit it out.' He figured he should smile to reassure James, but he really couldn't bring himself to do so.

James shrugged. 'Full moon's tomorrow. Just wanted to remind you.'

Sirius felt the sharp pang in his chest again. 'I haven't forgotten,' he said, loosening his tie to distract himself. 'The question is, are you still up for it?'

James bit his lip. 'Do you think it's going to work? I mean, no one's ever done this before and even so, this idea…it's just a theory, you know.'

'Are you scared?' Sirius's tone was challenging, as his bright grey eyes bore into James's hazel ones.

'Would you hate me if I said, yes?' asked James, ruffling the back of his hair. When Sirius didn't reply, he looked nervously around the room, obviously regretting having said anything. It was a known fact that Sirius hated cowards, which was probably why he often scorned Peter, unlike James or Remus.

'No,' said Sirius after a long time, surprising James. 'I don't, but that doesn't give you the excuse to back out,' he concluded fiercely.

James broke into a relieved smile. 'I wasn't intending to. It'll be fun though, and Pete's been working really hard. It could be like a late birthday present for Remus, you know. And if things go well, Sirius, can you imagine his face?'

Somehow, Sirius  _could_  imagine Remus's face and it was very similar to the one he'd been wearing around Sirius for an entire month. He lay back down again, unable to tolerate the pressure in his chest anymore. 'Just hope your invisibility cloak can cover Peter's fat arse.'

* * *

 

It was Thursday evening, and Sirius had been sitting on his bed copying James's homework when Remus had entered the dormitory. The brunette had glanced at Sirius once and then quickly looked away, hurrying over to his bed and changing his clothes in record time.

By then, Sirius had gotten up from his own bed and walked quietly towards Remus. He knew the amber-eyed boy had sensed his presence but since he didn't bother acknowledging it, Sirius decided to take matters into his own hands. He'd wanted to have this conversation for a long time now.

'Remus,' said Sirius, his voice was low and harsh.

Remus didn't answer. He just pulled on a nearby t-shit and turned the other way in a desperate attempt to get out of the dormitory. He didn't even notice that he was wearing James's shirt and that it was a size too small for him. Sirius grabbed him by the wrist even before he could move an inch.

'Why are you ignoring me?' asked Sirius, pulling Remus roughly towards him.

Remus caught himself from stumbling right into his friend's chest. 'I don't know what you're talking about,' he replied, his eyes darting back and forth, searching for an escape.

Sirius pulled him back as he tried to move away again. 'Don't play dumb with me, Remus. You never talk to me anymore, never look at me anymore…you're always trying to pretend that I don't exist. What's wrong with you?'

Remus struggled against Sirius's hold. 'I-'

Sirius reached out for the other hand but this time, his touch was gentle, almost hesitant. 'Is it something I did?' he asked with complete sincerity.

Remus stilled and bowed his head low. Sirius could see the beginnings of a tremor run down the back of Remus's neck, as his fists curled tight enough to bruise. It looked like he was trying to restrain himself from hitting Sirius but that couldn't have possibly been the case. If so, then Remus could have easily dislodged Sirius's grip from his wrist before, but he didn't because he knew he'd hurt Sirius in the process.

'Remus?' asked Sirius uncertainly, stepping closer. He could feel an unbearable heat radiating from his friend's body. Concern washed over his frustration. Was Remus all right?

'Let me go, Sirius.' Remus choked on his words.

Sirius's grip tightened painfully. 'No.'

Remus' looked at him pleadingly. 'Sirius, please, you're hurting me.'

Sirius let go of the now bruised hands but roughly grabbed Remus's chin, so that amber eyes had no choice but to look up at him. 'And you're hurting me.'

Sirius watched angrily as his friend's fists opened, then closed, again and again, his fingers shaking violently every time. Remus's eyes had taken an odd shine to them, and he quickly pushed away Sirius's hand, moving a few steps back towards the bed. He kept shaking his head as if berating himself over something, but Sirius couldn't fathom what.

Sirius watched his friend in confusion. Remus's current state was freaking him out more than anything. What was wrong with him? Was he sick? Had he been hexed? Had Sirius said or done something wrong?

Sirius stepped closer, reaching out for both of Remus's hands and twining their fingers together. 'Remus, stop it,' he whispered slowly. He ignored Remus's frantic steps backwards and walked even closer until Remus was pushed against the hard wooden frames. There was just enough distance between them to let air through.

'I-' Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was still making halfhearted attempts to wrench Sirius's hands away. 'No, no, no,' he whispered more to himself than anyone else.

'Stop it, Remus,' said Sirius more firmly this time, his hands sliding upwards to grip Remus's shoulders. 'Just stop it.'

Remus bit his lip, gripping the wood behind him to keep himself steady. 'The moon, Sirius,' he rasped out. 'I need to go. Please…'

Sirius stared at Remus, entranced by the display of fluctuating emotions dancing across deep amber eyes. He didn't have to look outside to know that the sun was setting. Part of the Remus's face was hidden in the shadows of the red curtains beside him, while the rest lay exposed to the sun's rays seeping through the window. Sirius could see the rainbow of colours washing over Remus's pale skin, teasing it, caressing it, bathing him in an ethereal glow.

Having caught his breath, Sirius grudgingly let go of Remus's shoulders. 'Fine…I'll leave you…for now.' Instinctively, he wound an arm around Remus's thin waist, short shirt automatically riding up at the sheer force of Sirius pulling him again his chest. 'But I'm warning you, Remus,' he said, moving his face so close to Remus's that Sirius's breath fanned his long brown hair. 'I don't like being avoided.'

Sirius looked fiercely into Remus's eyes. He could feel the boy shaking against him, as he let the palm of his hand brush across the bare skin of his back. Remus's eyes fluttered close as the same hand traveled upwards to his clothed chest. Sirius let his hand rest upon his friend's heartbeat for a while, before pushing him away and breaking the connection between them.

He walked to his bed, grabbed his homework and quill, and strode out of the dormitory without a second glance at his friend. Had he looked, then he would have noticed Remus crumpling to the ground, very near a breakdown.

> * * *
> 
>  

Remus didn't want to move. Every bone in his body felt like it had been pulled mercilessly apart; as though every muscle he had, had been stretched beyond its limit. He already knew of the bruises and scratches and bites that littered his body, but moving would only mean punishing himself even further. He mind was groggy and he felt a dull pounding pain behind his eyelids that just refused to go away.

He groaned as he felt the sun's rays mercilessly invading his sleep. It took all the effort he had to finally open his eyes and look around. The Shack looked like a right mess, and Remus knew that if the wolf kept this up, it was only a matter of time before the ceiling came crashing down on him.

Still, last night's transformation had gone better than he'd predicted. To be quite honest, Remus expected the wolf to tear himself apart more than usual, especially after that conversation with Sirius…

Remus sighed.  _God_ , Sirius. There was no avoiding his feelings anymore. Things had just gone downhill after that kiss. And, after months of contemplating and analysing, Remus had finally come to the conclusion last month, that he was indeed attracted to his best friend. Whether that made him gay or not, Remus didn't know or particularly care. What had scared him the most had been the fact that he knew Sirius reciprocated his feelings. Now, for any normal human being, that would have been a good thing, but Remus was neither normal, nor human. Being a werewolf came with great responsibility, and he had no intention whatsoever of dragging Sirius into this hell hole with him. Sirius had enough problems of his own with his family.

But, it was hard to deny that this month had been particularly hard on Remus. He had tried so hard to avoid Sirius as much as possible, sometimes going on the verge of being outright rude. And it hurt,  _shit_  it hurt. It was pure torture to have Sirius right there but not even be able to touch him. He knew he was hurting Sirius as well, but he'd get over it eventually, they both would.

Last night had almost sent him over the edge; with Sirius fingers digging into his skin and his hot breath playing across his face. Remus had been reduced to a quivering mess back then, shaking with the sheer effort of restraining himself from jumping Sirius. But he'd done it; he hadn't even touched the boy, despite his heart's pleas. And though this was supposed to make Remus feel proud of himself, it did not. Instead, Remus felt like he was falling into a deep chasm – helpless and lost, with no hope of ever reaching the bottom.

Suddenly there was a creak of the stairs, and Remus quickly pulled the sheets from the bed over himself. He hadn't even gotten himself dressed yet. What was Madam Pomfrey doing here so early?

Then, Remus felt that prickling feeling in the centre of his chest – the same he felt every time Sirius was close by. But that was impossible. Sirius had no business here, except for Remus that is…

'Sirius?' Remus's voice echoed in the room, and he shivered involuntarily. He pushed himself up on his arms, ignoring the pain in his muscles.

He was about to stand up when the door was pushed open to reveal a big black ball of fuzz? Remus squinted. Was blindness a post transformation syndrome? No, it  _was_  a big ball of buzz, with legs and eyes and even a snout. Remus let out a sigh of relief and leaned against the bedpost as he realised what it was: a dog, just a big black and incredibly hairy dog.

Remus couldn't stop the smile spreading across his face. 'Hello, lad,' he said, trying to beckon the dog over and wincing at the pain in his joints. 'Come on. Good boy, come on…'

The dog huffed… _indignantly_? Or maybe Remus was just imagining things. It stood there for a while, staring at Remus with large proud eyes. Remus had never seen an animal with eyes that grey or beautiful and while most dogs usually hesitated to come near humans the first time, this one seemed almost radiating with cocky confidence. Finally, it…er… _sighed_  and walked over to Remus.

'You must be a very smart dog to be able to get in here,' said Remus, scratching the dog behind his ears. He smiled when it grinned at him, tounge lolling out. 'I hardly heard you coming…little pad feet you got there, eh?' As if in reply, the dog placed both his front paws against Remus's chest and growled proudly. 'You're not going to bite me, are you? I heard they give you shots up your bum if you get bitten by a dog.' The dog whined in reassurance and licked one of the smaller wounds on Remus's neck. Remus combed his fingers through thick black fur. 'I wonder if the school will let me keep you. McGonagall's got a soft spot for me, you know, but don't tell that to any of my friends.'

Remus frowned as the dog growled, stepping out of his hold. It looked back towards the door it had come through as if waiting for something. He was about to pull it back towards him, when suddenly, it started howling loudly.

'Quiet! Are you-' Remus stopped mid sentence as a larger animal walked through the door, head bowed down to fit inside. It was a stag - a very large one at that, with antlers that could bludgeon you to death with the smallest touch. The dog nudged Remus in the ribs, looking pointedly towards the stag which was now coming closer to him.

Remus looked at it incredulously. 'Don't tell me you two are friends?' He ran a wearied hand across his face. 'A dog and a stag. Mum was right…these transformations are really taking a toll on my mental stability.'

The stag looked at the dog curiously, cocking its head to one side questioningly. It inched closer and nibbled lightly on Remus's hand to get his attention. Remus smiled and ran a hesitant hand over the animal's snout. 'A carnivorous stag. Now I've seen everything.' He moved his hand upwards, carefully avoiding the sharp antlers. 'I guess-' He stopped, feeling something crawl up his arms and – 'Aaahhhh!' Remus let out a very unmanly scream, waving his arm around like a lunatic in a weak attempt to get off the grey piece of fur clinging on to his hand. 'Rat, rat, rat!'

He was about to bang it against the floor when the dog stopped him and gently removed the rat by its tail. When Remus heaved a sigh of relief, the stag and the dog looked at each other in amusement. The dog still had the rat in between its teeth, and Remus watched with awe as it glared at the stag playfully and threatened to eat the rodent. The stag nudged him in the mouth as if reprimanding him, and the dog put the squealing animal down.

Remus closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. 'Oh Lord, help me. I'm turning into one of mum's crazy patients.'

'Or maybe, you were just always this crazy,' said a familiar voice from above him. James?

'Didn't think you were scared of rats, Remus. I'm a little offended to tell you the truth.' Peter?

'I never knew Remus's voice could even go that high. I thought he'd surpassed puberty a year ago.' Sirius?

Remus stared at his three best friends, standing exactly where those animals had been standing before. He hadn't even realised that his mouth was hanging open until James helpfully shut it.

'So what do you think, Moony,' asked James mussing Remus's hair. 'Pretty impressive, eh?'

Remus seemed to finally find his voice. 'Moony?'

James flopped down beside Remus and slung an arm around his shoulders. 'Yep, it's your new name from now on. What do you think? Sirius suggested it. We haven't got a name for him though.'

 _Moony._  Remus sort of liked it.

'Remus already gave me a name,' said Sirius, sitting down on the other side of Remus. He shifted even closer when Remus tried to move away, so that their sides were now practically fused into each other.

Remus felt the heat rush to his ears. 'I did?'

'Yeah: Padfoot,' said Sirius smugly.

James snorted and Peter giggled. 'Padfoot!' exclaimed James before bursting out laughing. 'Oh, that's rich.'

'It's better than Prongs or Wormtail,' huffed Sirius.

'Hey!' exclaimed James, cuffing the back of Sirius's head. 'I wanted to be called  _Your Highness_ , but you're the one who insisted on Prongs.'

Remus blinked in disbelief. 'Are you all-'

'Animagus?' asked James. 'Yes, but unregistered, mind you. So don't go blabbing it to anyone, yeah? It'll be a little hard to run around with you during full moons if we're in Azkaban.'

'Run around with me during full moons?' asked Remus slowly, making sure every word registered into his mind.

All three of his friends' faces fell, and Sirius looked at him with a pained expression. 'You don't remember?'

'We were there with you last night,' said Peter with a little less enthusiasm than before. 'All three of us, in our Animagus forms. We even let you out for a bit. You didn't hurt anyone,' he finished quickly when he saw Remus's horrified expression.

When he thought about it, Remus did remember the full moon. He remembered flashes of black fur and trees, lots of trees. 'I remember, but not much.' He looked at his friends, hundreds of emotions swirling inside his head. 'But I don't understand. Why-'

'We wanted to help you, Moony,' said Sirius, his grey eyes looking deep into Remus's amber ones.

'We did help, didn't we?' asked James uncertainly. 'I mean, you hurt less, don't you?'

Remus felt his throat constrict. 'Yeah.' He felt a sudden sting in the corner of his eyes. 'Yeah.' He couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'God, I don't know what to say…'

'Thank you would be nice,' said Peter smiling.

'I-' Remus couldn't bring the words out, so he embraced Peter instead. Peter patted his back awkwardly.

'Things will get better, Remus, I promise,' whispered James, for only the both of them to hear when Remus had moved to hug him. He smiled and ruffled Remus's hair playfully. 'We'd better get going. Madame Pomfrey's going to come in any minute.'

Remus nodded and let James go. He looked at Sirius, whose eyes were boring into him, expectant and challenging and slightly remorseful at the same time. Remus broke his resolution then, just for that one moment, and pulled Sirius into a tight embrace. There was just something in Sirius's eyes that made him smile, despite the discomfort between them.

'Thank you… _Padfoot_.' He could feel Sirius's warm arms wind around his shoulders and pulled him closer. He knew Sirius was digging in deeper, inhaling his scent, burying his face into Remus's neck, and Remus let him. Just for today because it felt so damn good, and his friends were just so great, and…

'Only for you, Moony,' whispered Sirius, lips brushing against Remus's ear. 'Only for you.'

* * *

 


	15. In My Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, fifth year…** _

Remus scrubbed furiously at a particularly stubborn stain on the basin. 'Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the both you?'

James and Sirius grinned from the sinks beside him. 'You love us, Moony, else you wouldn't have agreed to our idea in the first place,' said James, twirling his scrub brush between his fingers.

Remus sighed and moved a little further away from Sirius. He had let down his walls a little over the past couple of weeks and started behaving around Sirius as casually as possible. But the feelings stayed and it was hard, especially since Sirius was his best friend, first and foremost, and avoiding him was virtually impossible. 'Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't you have taken Wormtail instead?' asked Remus, shifting his gaze back to the white marble.

Sirius snorted derisively, his eyes wandering over the sleeping form of Slughorn sitting in the corner (he was supposed to be monitoring them). 'We wanted help, Moony, not a walking disaster.'

'I wish you weren't so nasty towards him, Sirius. He means well,' said Remus, turning the tap to wash away the soap.

'He means nothing. He does what Prongs asks him to do, period,' grunted Sirius.

'And what's wrong with that?' asked James defensively.

'Nothing, except that it shows lack of character,' said Sirius, concentrating all his efforts on cleaning the sink. He either didn't notice or didn't care when the paint began to chip.

'You know that's not true, Padfoot. Peter…' Remus frowned searching for the right words. 'He just needs to be reassured and guided by other people.'

'Take away the fancy words and it means the same.' Sirius let the tap run and turned to face Remus. 'Just drop it, okay, Moony? It's not like I hate Wormtail or anything. I just have my own opinions about him, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't force yours on me.'

Remus bit his lip but said nothing. James, sensing the tension in between his two best friends, decided to lighten the mood. 'You know, toilet cleaning is sort of fun. I mean, here we are, together, spending quality time-'

'Cleaning Slytherin shit,' interrupted Remus, frowning and starting on the mirrors.

'Dampen the mood, won't you? It's a public toilet, Moony. Everyone shits here,' said James, pouting.

'No, this toilet is close to the Slytherin common room. They shit here the most, and we're cleaning it.'

Sirius looked at Remus, horrified. 'Are you trying to say that I spent the last hour actually cleaning Snivellus's-'

'Shit? Yes, you did,' replied Remus smugly, glad he was making his persecutors suffer.

Sirius turned to stare at James. 'Snivellus shits here,' he said, his voice cracking a little.

James nodded, too mortified to speak. There was a short silence between them, and Remus was practically humming with glee. Then:

'Do you think we could make the toilet blow up when he sits on it tomorrow morning?' asked Sirius, his voice filled with excitement.

James nodded, his eyes mirroring Sirius's enthusiasm. 'We could, but we'd need Moony's help.'

Remus's jaw dropped. Surely, they weren't serious. 'No,' he said backing away as the two of them advanced. He looked desperately at Slughorn who just snored in reply. 'No, no, no. I refuse to indulge in another one of your ridiculous ideas. You can't make me.'

Half an hour later, Remus was crouching over a toilet bowl beside James and Sirius and muttering a very complicated spell with a stolen wand from Slughorn's pocket.

Fifteen minutes later, Remus was sitting in McGonagall's office, wondering how thin the Head Teacher's lips would go before she finally exploded.

'I absolutely cannot believe your cheek! The two of you were clearly sent for detention as  _punishment,_ and you actually have the gall to carry on with your atrocious pranks even then! Marauding around the school like you own the place, you could give Peeves a run for his money!'

She rounded on James and Sirius, towering over them as they shrank into their chairs. They'd been in McGonagall's office countless times before but this was the first time they'd seen her this angry. Remus was shocked that she hadn't said anything to him as of yet. On the other hand, he might have spoken too soon.

'And you Mr. Lupin, that badge on your chest has been given to you for a reason! You are not to abuse it to your privilege! As a prefect, such appalling behaviour is absolutely unacceptable!'

Remus had never felt so low in his life. 'I'm sorry, Professor,' he said, his voice almost a whisper. His amber eyes shone with regret and grew, if possible, even larger.

McGonagall's expression softened. 'I admit that this is unusual behaviour on your part, Mr. Lupin, and I understand that these two are your friends, so you are inclined to help them. But that is no excuse to break the rules.' she said softly as if speaking to a small child.

Remus nodded quite pathetically.

'As for the two of you!' James and Sirius flinched at the sudden change in the tone of her voice. 'Saturday night, separate detentions! You may leave.' She watched as the three of them got up from their seats. 'Oh and Mr. Lupin, this is your final warning. I'm excusing you this time but if I catch you again…'

'She fancies you,' growled Sirius, once they were outside the office.

'She does nothing of the sort,' huffed Remus. 'She has the right to reprimand us after what we did.'

'You fancy her back,' growled James in reply.

'We deserved what we got,' said Remus, climbing up the stairs and ignoring James and Sirius's grumbling.

'You got nothing.' Sirius stomped up the stairs behind Remus. 'The two of us probably earned another night of cleaning Snivellus's shit while you'll be sleeping in the comfort of your bed. All because you have a baby boy face, and we don't.'

'I do not have a baby boy face,' said Remus, blushing furiously. 'My face is very rugged and manly, thank you very much.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. He spent half his time staring at that face. He knew what it looked like.

'Do you think she's right though,' asked James, stopping in front of the Fat Lady's portrait. 'You know, about us giving Peeves a run for his money.'

Remus slapped his forehead.

'I bet we could,' said Sirius, his eyes flashing mischievously. He muttered the password and entered. 'That plan would have been fool proof had we known she was coming. What we need is some sort of guard to keep a lookout for us.'

'Why don't you put up an advert on the notice board, Sirius? I'm sure people will be just scrambling to sign up,' said Remus sarcastically, as he flopped down on the couch beside the fire.

James sat down on the floor beside Remus's feet. 'Sirius is right though. We could really use something that informs us about every single room in Hogwarts and its occupants. Things would be so much easier then.'

Remus frowned. 'Like a map?'

Sirius nodded. 'Like a map…but detailed…with everyone and everything on it, secret passages and all.'

James grinned with anticipation. 'It could be our new project. What do you say, Moony? Please? Its mischief, but we won't be breaking any rules…and it would be a challenge…' He looked at Remus, already knowing the answer. There were three words Remus Lupin couldn't resist when put together in a sentence: please, mischief, and challenge, not necessarily in that order.

Remus sighed. To be honest with himself, the prospect of a magical map sounded exciting. 'I couldn't refuse if I wanted to.'

Sirius and James cheered. 'We could even give it a name,' said James dreamily. 'The McGonagall's map; after our Professor who inspired the idea.'

Both Remus and Sirius frowned. 'I'm not calling our map,  _The McGonagall's Map_ ,' replied Sirius, crossing his arms over his chest.

'The Lily's map?' asked James hopefully.

'NO!' chorused Sirius and Remus.

'How about,  _The Marauder's Map_?' asked Sirius, lying down on the carpet with his arms behind his head. 'That's what she referred to us as, didn't she? Marauders?'

James grinned. 'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs – Marauders and mentors to mischief makers everywhere!'

* * *

 

Remus sighed and dug deeper into his pillow. It was useless. It was too darn early to be sleeping and the incessant pitter patter of the rain against the window wasn't helping either. He rolled over on his back and forcefully shut his eyes, as if willing for sleep to come.

This had to be the worst Easter break ever. Normally, all of them, save Sirius would stay at Hogwarts and exchange chocolates or maybe even sneak into Hogsmeade for a drink or two. But this year, James had Uncle Goober or someone he had to visit (actually it was Uncle Gruber, but Remus was in a particularly nasty mood), so he couldn't stay. Peter had some other lame excuse, but it was apparent he didn't want to stay because James was going back home too. Remus himself couldn't go back home because his father was putting up protection charms around the house. Sirius, as usual, had to go to some fancy family thing that he hated and bitched about when he came back. He was the only one Remus felt sorry for apart from himself. Sirius's family was unrelenting and just plain forceful.

Remus sighed again. He'd even tried talking to Lily Evans for a while, but she had her own friends to go to. Besides, spending time with her just wasn't the same.

The only upside it seemed, was that he got to sleep only in his boxers. Without the others around, he didn't have to feel so conscious about his scar or the registry tattoo. Good thing too because for such a rainy day, the boy's dormitory was unnaturally warm. Perhaps the house elves had overdone the heating charms? Or maybe it was revenge for the time James and Sirius charmed their ears pink?

Suddenly, there was a strange prickling sensation in the middle of his chest and Remus immediately sat up, eyes flinging open. 'Sirius?'

The dormitory door shut with a dull  _thud_.

'Padfoot?' Remus called out again, reaching out for his wand on the bedside table. ' _Lumos._ '

There was Sirius - standing in the middle of the dormitory, trunk in one hand and broomstick in another. The wand light illuminated his face partly and from what Remus could see, Sirius was trembling violently; his skin, ghostly white and black hair sticking to the sides of his face.

Remus quickly got out of bed and caught Sirius just before fell to the ground. 'Sirius, are you alright?' He let Sirius lean on him, maneuvering both their weights easily. 'What are you doing here, Padfoot? The train doesn't arrive till the end of the break.'

Sirius buried his face into his friend's neck, and Remus could feel rivulets of water running down from Sirius's hair and onto his skin. 'I'm not going back, Moony. I-' Sirius choked.

'Sit,' said Remus firmly, forcing Sirius to sit on his bed. He smoothed out the hair out of his face. 'You're drenched to the bone, Sirius. You didn't fly all the way here, did you?' By the looks of it, it seemed he had.

'Took the Knight Bus as far as it would go, but I had to fly after that,' replied Sirius shakily, raising up his arms as Remus pulled his shirt over his head. 'Got lost in the way…'

Remus said nothing, as he helped Sirius out of the rest of his clothes and into his pyjama bottoms. He merely listened, concerned, at the sounds of Sirius's jagged breathing against his stomach while he towel dried his friend's hair. Sirius had his face buried into Remus, clutching to his back tightly every time a tremor ran through him. There was very little light in the room apart from the wand Remus had left behind on the floor when he was helping Sirius. He could barely make out the shadows of his friend's face except for his light grey eyes, which glittered oddly even in the dark. Remus kneeled down to face him, slowly reaching out to trace the faint outlines around his eyes and stopping only when his hand had passed over a bruise, making Sirius wince slightly.

'They hurt you,' Remus said, anger flaring up inside him.

Sirius caught Remus's hand tightly. 'They didn't mean to. My parents…they're not abusive. Mother…she was angry…started throwing things…and I just got in the way…'

Remus bit back a sharp comment. There was no point in reminding Sirius how horrible his family was. It would only bring more pain to his suffering. 'Let me heal it for you,' he said finally, getting up but was grabbed by the wrist. 'Sirius, what?'

'Don't go, Moony, please,' begged Sirius, eyes shining brighter than ever.

'I'm just going to get my wand, Padfoot,' said Remus softly, running his other hand through Sirius's hair in what he hoped was a soothing gesture.

Sirius hold only tightened further. 'Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. Please…'

Remus sighed and draped a warm blanket over Sirius's shoulders before sitting down beside him. 'What happened, Padfoot?' he asked, as Sirius's head dropped to his shoulder.

'I-I ran away. I don't know why. I just…' Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's shoulders. 'They didn't even try to stop me. Mother was screaming, but not even once did she try…'

He buried his face into Remus's neck, and Remus let him, knowing this was not the time to show reserve. This was much more important than his attraction to Sirius or any sort of discomfort he felt at the moment.

'Father…' continued Sirius in a broken tone. 'He just stood there, stone faced; didn't say a word except that if I were to leave the house tonight, under any circumstances, I was never to come back again.'

Remus ran his hands through Sirius's damp hair, bringing both of them down against the pillows, so that they were half sitting and half lying on the bed. He draped the blanket over both of them. 'It doesn't matter, Padfoot. It's okay,' he whispered, holding Sirius tightly to his chest.

'I've been disowned, Moony,' whispered Sirius, bitterly as if he'd never heard Remus at all. 'My existence blown off the tapestry forever.' He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths against Remus's skin. 'And I shouldn't care. I shouldn't because I've always hated them and their way of life. And I've seen so many people blasted off that damn thing, but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm their son, Remus. Surely that meant something? Anything?'

He looked pleadingly at Remus, as if searching for an answer that he knew didn't exist. When Remus didn't respond, Sirius just closed his eyes again, and Remus knew by the way his body shook that his friend was fighting back tears that were threatening to spill. Sirius had never been the one to cry. It had been ingrained into him from childhood as a sign of weakness. Remus didn't know what he would do if Sirius did break down tonight. It wasn't something he wanted to see, ever.

'Does it mean anything to you, Remus? That I'm here…have I ever mattered…to any of you?' Sirius voice was small, downtrodden, needing reassurance.

Remus looked at Sirius and caressed his cheek with the back of his hand. 'More than you'll ever know, Padfoot.'

Sirius's gaze was intense, searching Remus's face and hoping that he was telling the truth. That it wasn't some lie he was being told to make him feel better. Remus stared right back, hoping that his friend was able to see the sincerity in his eyes. And then all of a sudden, Sirius's lips were on Remus's, pushing back firmly, urging him to kiss Sirius back.

Remus pushed him away gently. 'Don't, Sirius,' he said shakily, hand rested just above Sirius's heart.

'Please,' whispered Sirius, his warm dry lips tickling Remus's neck. 'Just for tonight-' He was on top of Remus now, squeezing his wrists and nudging his legs apart with his knee. 'Just for tonight, can we pretend that someone cares for me? Please-'

It was that last statement and the pleading, almost desperate look in Sirius's swirling grey eyes that finally undid Remus. He reached out slowly, his fingers sliding against soft skin, skipping across Sirius's collarbone and sliding up his neck. The other hand buried into thick black hair and pulled Sirius closer till he could feel the other's warm breath against his cheek. Remus's lips were tingling, aching to be touched, and he finally gave into desire, letting them gently brush against Sirius's.

Remus had intended on going slow, thinking that after the day's ordeal, Sirius would crave tender touches and soft kisses. But as soon as Remus's lips had touched his, Sirius's was suddenly burying shaking fingers into honey brown hair, tugging the body beneath him closer, and gripping Remus firmly to make sure he didn't get away. Remus didn't intend to.

A soft moan vibrated against Remus's lips, and he found himself surrendering to the hot wet heat of Sirius's mouth and the salty tang of sweat and rain staining his skin. Every bit of anger and desperation Sirius felt, he poured it into him, pushing his tounge into Remus's open mouth, teeth biting and nipping ruthlessly at his lower lip.

Slowly, reluctantly, their lips parted, swollen and bruised.

Grey eyes were looking down intently at amber through a curtain of ebony hair. 'I've wanted you so much,' panted Sirius, thumb tracing bright red lips.  _'So much…'_

Remus caught Sirius's hand, turning it to face the palm inwards and pressed soft open mouthed kisses down his wrist. Heat flared through his body as Sirius moaned at the simple gesture, shifting closer till they were melded together as one. And then, Sirius's face descended down to his throat, teeth nipping harshly at his skin, making its way down to his chest while Remus cried in intense pain and pleasure underneath him.

It was heat. Unimaginable, burning heat…

'Gods, Sirius…' moaned Remus, as a rough tounge ran over one stiffened nipple.

There was nothing in the world that could render Remus so helpless. He was writhing and shaking - completely incoherent…

Sirius looked up then, drinking in the sight beneath him. Remus's face was flushed, soft honey locks pooled over the pillow. He was panting, staring up at Sirius with overwhelming devotion and lust.

'You're so beautiful,' said Sirius, nails dragging painfully against Remus's sides. 'Just so fucking gorgeous.' Teeth bit into his shoulder sharply, moving further down, clearly unsatisfied with just one nip. 'Every time I look at you…' he purred against Remus's stomach. 'I lose control.' He slid back up, his gaze piercing into Remus, devouring him, making him whimper helplessly with an  _aching_  need that was begging to be satisfied. 'Do you see what you do to me?' Sirius ground their hips together. 'Do you?'

Remus whined pitifully, partly because one of Sirius' hands had tightened just above his hip while the other slid to his jaw; partly because Sirius was kissing him harder than ever, tounges tangling, teeth clicking together. He was pushing Remus further into the bed, sliding their hips in a frantic pace, breaths coming out quick with eyes half lidded.

It was… _Gods_ …unbearable pressure - around him, over him, consuming him. Pleasure beyond comprehension; desire beyond human boundaries.

Right then, nothing was more important that the feel of Sirius's body against his and the press of their foreheads together. Remus grunted, settling his hands on the small of Sirius's back and pulling him closer. It was never enough.

The heat was intolerable now and they clung on to each other, kissing fiercely, until finally the world exploded and a glorious sensation washed over them, leaving them shaking, each gripping the other's skin hard enough to bruise.

They collapsed together, slick and panting, the air around them humming with the aftermath of what had happened.

'Remus,' whispered Sirius, resting his head against Remus's chest and relishing at the sound of his frantic heartbeat. 'Remus,' he said again, sighing as Remus's arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace.

Remus watched as Sirius's eyes drifted close into an uneasy sleep. He was clinging on to the werewolf like a lifeline even then as if afraid of losing him.  _With good reason,_  thought Remus.  _I can't do this with you, Sirius. I can't hurt you anymore than you already are._ His fingers tangled in black hair, partly wet with sweat and partly with rain. Remus kissed him - his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks. They were all so gorgeous…

Remus unconsciously inhaled Sirius' scent, the sharp aroma of sweat and sex and Sirius making him drowsy. This - whatever had happened between himself and Sirius tonight - it would remain as a beautiful memory in Remus's mind because he would never allow it to happen again.  _Why can't I be someone else? Why do_ _ **I**_ _have to be the werewolf? It's not fair. It's never fair._

Remus tightened his arms around Sirius and rested his chin on the crown of his head.  _Why me?_ He didn't want to pretend that nothing happened. He wanted Sirius, needed him. Sirius was no longer an infatuation or an attraction for Remus. No, he was slowly becoming an incurable obsession.

* * *

 


	16. Be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, Fifth Year…** _

_His mother's face looming in front of him, eyes wild and face red with fury. 'I've never been so ashamed of my own flesh and blood my entire life!'_

_Soft grey eyes of his brother peering through the library door. 'You're going to Durmstrang even if it's the last thing you do!'_

_Ringing silence from his father. 'Filthy little blood traitor! I wish you'd never been born!'_

_Crashing of furniture, an expensive vase flying through the air. 'I hope you die, Sirius Black!'_

Sirius eyes snapped open, and he found himself sprawled on top of a bed definitely not his own. The sheets underneath him were drenched with sweat and the blankets that had been draped over him, now lay haphazardly on the ground. Sirius took a deep breath and reached up a hand to touch the bruise underneath his right eye, expecting it to hurt. The pain never came, and Sirius frowned, running his fingers over the area again. Nothing.

He rubbed the sand out of his eyes and sat up, immediately taking in his surroundings. He was at Hogwarts - in his dormitory - he must have made it back. He had never thought he would; he'd almost fainted halfway from the cold. Sirius remembered still feeling cold when he'd entered the dormitory, and then, Remus had helped him to his bed…

_Remus…_

Memories of last night flashed through his mind. Remus underneath him, helpless and moaning; needing more and taking it from Sirius unrelentingly. Remus against him, sweat and skin merged together as if they were never meant to be in two different bodies at all. Remus around him; surrounding him with warmth in the afterglow of what happened.

_Remus…_

Sirius sighed. He'd never felt this alone, yet this alive his entire life. Alone, because he'd been abandoned, thrown out by his own family; who he wasn't supposed to care about, but he did because it was hard not to. Alive because Remus had seen him through it, filled that empty void with affection and reassurance, courage and friendship, all in that one night.

The whole experience had been surreal, where for that one moment Sirius had forgotten the world had existed at all.

He shifted his gaze at the empty space beside him and shivered involuntarily from the absence of Remus's arms around him. He rested his hand on the mussed up sheets, running across the dent that his friend's body must have left. The space was still warm. Remus must have gotten up only minutes ago, which meant he was still in the showers.

Sirius smiled to himself and got up.

* * *

 

Remus stared at himself in the mirror, taking in every detail and committing it to his memory. He'd never truly looked this carefully at his reflection before, back when he was as perfect as he could get. Still, here he was today, debauched and covered in bluish purple bites from last night and he couldn't bring himself to move away. He watched as a drop of water fell from his long brown hair and trickled down the bruise on his shoulder, just below his scar. He remembered how Sirius had slid up to him, mercilessly licking and biting it.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the mirror. He didn't want them to fade: any of them. They were the only reminders, the only proof he had that none of last night had been a dream; the only part of Sirius he knew he could keep.

'Sirius,' he whispered, his breath misting the glass.

Warm arms encircled his waist from the back and a head lay over his shoulder. 'I can never sneak up on you,' said Sirius, his voice petulant and husky from sleep.

Remus opened his eyes but didn't turn back. Instead, he chose to watch Sirius through the mirror. If he had thought Sirius looked beautiful last night then he was sorely mistaken. Because even with his hair sticking up at odd angles and his eyes red from sleep, Remus couldn't help but ogle at him. Perhaps it was just the knowledge that Sirius had been on top of him the night before, whispering his name as he came hard and fast. In any case, to Remus, he looked breathtaking.

Sirius gazed at Remus in the mirror, frowning slightly. 'I hurt you,' he said softly.

Remus refrained from leaning back against Sirius, and tried to dislodge the firm grip around him instead.

Sirius's arms only tightened further. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered, running his fingers over the bruise on Remus's shoulder, smooth lips following its trail. 'I'm sorry.' Light, insistent kisses down the front of his neck. 'So sorry,' Hands moving from neck to shoulders to chest - no teeth this time, just soft pink lips.

Remus just stood there unmoving as Sirius carried on his ministrations, gaping at their reflection with awe and half riddled lust. His bruises - they were healing and slowly disappearing under Sirius's touch, turning from a deep purple, to blue, to just smooth pale skin – as if they'd never been there at all.  _Wandless and silent._ Remus wondered if Sirius knew how advanced a magic he was performing at that very moment.

He dug his fingers into silky black hair. 'Sirius, stop…'

How could something so right be so wrong? How could their images in the mirror look so perfect and beautiful together when every cell in Remus's brain screamed that he should look away?

'Sirius…please,' he croaked out, as Sirius descended lower and lower. 'Sirius…'

Sirius stopped, his hands only inches away from the towel around Remus's waist. He moved up, eyes filled with unconcealed desire, as he brushed away Remus's damp hair out of his face.

Remus removed himself from Sirius's grip. 'I'm sorry Padfoot, but this can't go on.'

Sirius stepped closer, hand caressing his cheek. 'Hmm…last night-'

'Is over,' interrupted Remus, looking away and moving back even further.

'It's over, but it's not forgotten!' cried out Sirius, hands dropping exasperatedly to his sides.

Remus's eyes hardened with determination, as he reached for the doorknob. 'No, but I intend it to be.'

Sirius's shoulders slumped then, and his next words came out almost weak and pleading. 'Why did you let me touch you, Remus? Why did you kiss back when I kissed you? Why did you hold me after it all and let me sleep with you on your bed? If you were just going to deny it all in the morning, then why did you let me hope in the first place'

Remus bowed his head low. 'Because it was the only thing I could do to keep you from falling over the edge.'

Remus walked out then before Sirius could say anything further. He hadn't even dared to look back one last time in fear of losing his nerve at the very last minute and submitting himself to the warmth the black haired boy offered.

'Forgive me, Padfoot,' he whispered, as he slumped down against the bathroom door. His eyes closed as he heard Sirius let out a scream of rage and frustration. 'I'm so sorry.'

This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. They were supposed to remain the best of friends, that's all. He'd ruined everything, with just one stupid mistake that didn't feel like a mistake at all. And now, after all this, even their friendship was a lost cause. There was no way Remus could ever look Sirius in the eye again; not only because he was ashamed, but also because he couldn't bear to look up and see the hatred in his friend's eyes.

Suddenly, there was an earsplitting crash from inside and Remus's eyes shot open in fright. It sounded like something breaking.

'Sirius?'

Silence.

Remus's heart skipped a beat. 'Sirius? Are you okay?' When he didn't get a reply, he got up quickly and knocked on the door frantically. 'Sirius, answer me, damn it!'

Nothing.

 _Oh God, what if he's hurt himself or worse…NO!_ Sirius might be impulsive, but he was no fool. 'Sirius!' Remus scrabbled for the doorknob and turned it. The door wouldn't open; either it was jammed or Sirius had decided to lock it. 'Sirius, please, if you can hear me, open the door!'

Still no reply.

 _This is my fault, shit, Sirius…_ Remus moved back a few inches from the door and rammed his shoulder into it with all his power. He could feel the hinges rattle a little under the pressure and inwardly thanked his werewolf strength. Upon the fourth try – by which Remus was hysterical with desperation - the door finally burst open, and he scrambled inside, narrowly missing stepping on the shards of glass that littered the bathroom floor.

Remus looked around anxiously. 'Sirius!'

There was muffled whimper and Remus's head whipped towards the direction of the basin. And there was Sirius, right underneath it, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head inclined against the wall. His right hand was bleeding profusely from where he must have punched the mirror, but he was definitely breathing.

 _Thank God…_ Remus heaved a sigh of relief and kneeled in front of his friend. 'Are you okay, Padfoot?' he asked, taking Sirius's wounded hand and inspecting it.

The black haired boy said nothing, just continued to stare at him with mournful grey eyes that broke Remus's heart. Sirius Black truly was one of his most favourite people in the world - someone Remus would die for without a question - and it was painful to see those eyes - which usually shone with so much mirth – fixed so seriously on him, desperate and lonely. Sirius was breathing, deep and forceful, as if he didn't want to be doing it at all, but kept on going because he had no other choice. Was he okay? The question did not even fit in the context.

Remus rested his forehead against the cool tiles beside Sirius's head. 'Fuck, this is all my fault. I just…' Sirius had turned to face him, cheek resting against the wall, eyes searching for an answer. Remus couldn't help but reach out and caress his hair, his face, his neck. 'I just…' he tried again but lost his voice in the end.

Suddenly, Sirius flung himself at Remus, burying his face into his shoulder and holding him in a death grip. It was a desperate embrace. 'Why don't you want me, Moony?' he choked out, clutching even tighter. 'Why? I don't understand.'

Remus rested his cheek against Sirius's hair, stroking it soothingly. 'God knows I want you, Sirius, but-'

'Then have me, Remus!' he said frantically, moving away and shaking the werewolf by the shoulders. 'Take what's so willingly given to you.'

Remus moved away, hand on his head. 'It's not that simple, Sirius. I'm-'

'A werewolf? I don't care, Remus.' Sirius rested his hand on his friend's shoulder. 'I thought I made that clear back in second year.'

Remus punched the wall angrily. 'But I do, damn it! Every single day of my life since I've been bitten, I've watched my parents suffer and cry over me. Do you know why, Sirius? Because I'm a werewolf! They've put aside so many dreams that now it's easier for them not to dream at all. Why? Because I'm a werewolf! They have to swallow abuse and rejection everywhere they go. Guess why? Because I'm a werewolf! You might not care, Sirius, but the rest of the world does!'

Sirius hadn't moved throughout Remus's outburst. When he spoke, his voice was calm, if not a little shaky. 'Tell me, Moony, why do your parents put up with all of this?'

Remus shook his dejectedly. 'They have no choice.'

'Everybody has a choice, but they care enough about you to bear everything else that comes along.' He grabbed Remus's chin. 'And I feel the same way.'

Remus turned away. 'It's bad enough that you're my friend, Padfoot. I'm not ready to subject you-'

'Stop trying to control my life, Remus!' burst out Sirius, his hands clutching painfully at Remus's hair in an attempt to get the brunette to face him.

'I'm not trying to control you. I'm trying to protect you!'

Sirius tugged harder, bringing their faces closer together. 'I don't want your protection.' Closer. 'I don't want your charity. All I want,' His hand moved to cup the base of Remus's neck. 'Is you.'

Remus shook his head. 'You don't know what you want…you don't know what you're getting yourself into…I could hurt you.'

Sirius looked at him, fire burning in his eyes. 'I'm prepared to risk that, Remus. Please…' His voice had gone low with exhaustion. He needed this,  _needed_  Remus…

Remus rubbed the skin below Sirius's earlobe with his thumb. 'Sirius…'

Sirius's forehead dropped against Remus's. 'I can't do this, Moony.' His throat constricted painfully and the first sign of tears appeared at the corner of his eyes. 'I just can't not have you.' Tears were flowing freely down his face now. 'Why…why does this always happen to me…why is it that I'm always the one to be rejected, Remus? It's not fair.'

Remus's heart clenched at the sight. Sirius was  _crying_. Sirius was crying because of  _him_. 'Sirius, don't,' he murmured, hand reaching up to wipe away the tears on his friend's cheeks. But the gesture was useless, because the dam had finally broken and now flooded his face, tears running down Remus's fingers. 'Don't cry. Please, don't cry…'

Sirius closed his eyes, shaking his head. 'I just…I've never fancied anyone so much before, and I-' he choked.

Nothing seemed to comfort Sirius right then, so Remus did the first thing his heart told him to do: he leaned in and pressed their lips together.

Sirius made a strange strangled noise before shifting his body quickly, so that he was pushing Remus hard against the wall, their bodies forced tightly together. It was in no means a gentle kiss, a lot like the ones Sirius and he had shared the night before but while last night had been about desperation and comfort, this was just pure, unadulterated want. Sirius's hands held him firmly in place by the shoulders, elbows digging painfully into Remus's chest while Remus's tounge slid between his lips. It was cataclysmic heat, and it was also when the werewolf realised that he couldn't continue with his charade anymore. Not when Sirius was sitting in front of him, kissing him, crying for him…

Finally, they both pulled away, and Remus watched as Sirius's whole body crumpled miserably against the wall. 'I don't know what to do, Remus…' he whispered, head leaning against the wall beside his friend's left ear. 'I'm lost…'

Remus brought Sirius's head down to his shoulder, stroking his hair. 'We…we could try this,' he said softly but surely. He felt Sirius's hands run up his sides, finally settling on his shoulder blades. 'We could-'

But he never got to complete his sentence because Sirius was now kissing down his throat, hands rubbing soothingly at the small of his back and  _shit,_ this had to be right. There was no other explanation for something that felt so good.

Remus reluctantly forced Sirius to stop. 'Sirius, what if this doesn't work? What then?' Somehow, Remus found that he couldn't even bear the idea of them falling apart, not just as friends but as lovers as well. The sentiment itself was ridiculous since eventually, in two years time, they would both have to go their separate ways anyway.

'Then we'll be friends,' replied Sirius, pushing a kiss to his bottom lip. 'Just like we've always been.'

And it was rather hard not to agree. Not when Sirius Black was kissing you like that, his hands touching you in just the right places and holding on to you like there was no one else he'd rather be with because the world only consisted of you and him. Years later, Remus would see that caring for Sirius had been his downfall but even then, he couldn't bring himself to be bothered.

* * *

 

Sirius watched the rhythmic rise and fall of Remus's chest, wondering how the werewolf could look so beautiful even in his sleep. They'd just been laying there on the bed, Remus reading a book and occasionally indulging in idle conversation while Sirius just lay there curled up beside him, head resting on the boy's stomach. Somewhere in the middle of Sirius talking and Remus flipping pages, the werewolf had fallen asleep, leaving Sirius free to stare.

It was odd. Sirius had never been the one for patience. He could never sit in one place for more than a few minutes without fidgeting. It was a known fact that Sirius Black was easily bored and needed constant entertainment from his friends. Yet, here he was, staring at his new –lover?- for God knows how many hours, and he had no intention to stop. It was a power Remus had over him and though Sirius didn't like being controlled by any one, he found that he didn't mind this little fact at all. In fact, he quite enjoyed it.

Two days. Two days since they'd gotten together and things couldn't get any better. Remus was still a little uncomfortable, a little hesitant, Sirius could tell, and though he knew he should talk to Remus about it, he didn't. What if he said something that made Remus change his mind? What if he convinced him to give up on Sirius even before their relationship had started? No, Sirius couldn't risk losing Remus, not when he had finally gotten him. He'd just wait, give Remus some time and space until he finally got used to it.

Sirius traced his fingers lightly over the skin under Remus's shirt and smiled as a small chuckle escaped the werewolf's mouth. He sighed softly, feeling himself drift off to the sweet smell of chocolate of his friend's skin.

The door creaked open noisily, and Sirius found himself too comfortable to move. Whoever it was, he didn't care. Let them see and think what they wanted to.

'Sirius?'

Sirius recognised that voice. 'James?' He opened his eyes blearily. Sure enough, James Potter was standing there, trunk in hand.

As soon as James realised he wasn't hallucinating and it was indeed his best friend, he fast walked up to Sirius and enveloped him in a one armed hug. 'I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. Are you alright?'

Sirius moved away shakily, mindful not to wake the slumbering boy beside him. 'I'm fine. What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at your uncle's place.'

James sat down on the bed, shooting a meaningful glance at Remus. 'I was. I just got Remus's letter today. He told me everything, Sirius, and I'm glad. That house was nothing but trouble for you.'

Sirius felt his throat constrict, and he sifted his fingers through honey brown locks to hide his grief. 'Yeah…Remus said the same thing. Thanks for coming, James.'

James smiled and clapped Sirius's back. 'Hey, what are best mates for? Mum and dad are here too, by the way. They're settling the matters of your custody in Dumbledore's office.'

Sirius looked up surprised. 'My custody?'

'Well, yeah,' replied James as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. 'You're not of age yet, which means you'll need parental guidance till then. And since you're no longer a part of the Black family, mum and dad have decided to take you in. That is, if you want to live with us…'

Sirius felt a smile tugging at his lips. 'Hell, yeah.' He looked at his best friend gratefully and for the first time, Sirius realised that family didn't necessarily involve blood ties. A family was just a group of people who were always there for you, caring for you through the worst of times. 'James, I- thanks. I don't know how to repay you or your parents…'

James smiled, ruffling Sirius's hair. 'Just don't let mum convince you into changing your name to Sirius Potter. She's been in love with you since your last visit to our place.'

* * *

 


	17. Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Transfiguration classroom, Hogwarts…** _

'So, I had to go there and -' Minerva McGonagall's conversation with Professor Dark was suddenly interrupted by a soft knock on her office door. She turned in her seat, surprised, to see a head of rebelliously long brown hair peering through. 'Oh, it's you, Mr. Lupin. You're a bit early. Counselling doesn't start again until two.'

Remus looked at both teachers cautiously. 'I'm sorry, Professor. I'll come back later.'

Minerva frowned. 'No, no, there is no need for that, Mr. Lupin. Since you're here, we might as well get over with it. Come on in.'

Remus nodded and sat down gingerly on the seat opposite to hers. Minerva noticed that he kept wringing his hands on his lap as if unsure of himself.

She chanced a glance at Professor Dark for an explanation to Lupin's uncharacteristic behaviour, but Professor Dark himself seemed to be looking at the boy sympathetically. She shrugged and folded her arms on the table. 'Tell me, Remus. What are your plans for the future?'

Remus shifted uncomfortably. 'I haven't really given it much thought. I suppose my dad would want me to become an auror like he once was. I don't know.'

Minerva felt her fist clench instinctively. 'Are you sure, Mr. Lupin?'

Remus didn't answer and chose to stare at an ink spot on the table instead.

For the first time in her life, Minerva McGonagall lost her nerve in front of a student. The prospect of replying seemed terrifying. A sharp wave of guilt washed over her, and she found herself unable to meet the boy's eyes. What would she tell him? 'After all, auror training is extremely difficult,' she continued, hoping to seem unfazed. 'It demands a lot of your time, and the ministry will make you work -'

'Stop lying to the boy, Minerva,' growled Professor Dark suddenly.

Minerva looked at him indignantly. 'I'm not lying, thank you very much.' She was actually, but that didn't mean she would admit to it.

Professor Dark looked at her, eyes burning with repressed anger. 'He deserves to know the truth. You'll achieve nothing by mollycoddling him. He should know that the Ministry is filled with nothing but filthy bigots who wouldn't give him a second glance once they found out what he is, irrespective of how qualified.'

Minerva glimpsed at Remus momentarily and saw him clutching the arms of his chair tightly. His face, however, was completely impassive and betraying none of the emotions he must have felt inside.

The very sight of the boy slowly replaced her anger with unspeakable rage, and she glared at Professor Dark warningly. It was a known fact that Dark had a volatile temper and an admirable quality of always speaking the truth, but this was going overboard. He had no right, none at all, to belittle a student like that, especially since the student belonged to her house.

Remus, who had been quiet for so long, seemed to have finally found his voice in the middle of their staring contest. 'Is there anything else?' he asked quietly.

Both teachers whipped around to face the boy. He had a determined look in his eyes but even so, to them, he looked small and helpless.

'Are there any other careers I can pursue?' he asked again, looking directly at Professor Dark and ignoring McGonagall. In some ways, she understood his behaviour. He wanted to know the truth, and she wanted to protect him from it.

Professor Dark stroked his beard. 'There are but chances are, Mr. Lupin that people in the wizarding community are not going to be very accepting.'

Minerva stood up from her seat furiously. 'That's enough, Dark. Please leave.' Truth or not, she would not permit this.

The Professor ignored her and looked directly into Remus's darkening amber eyes. 'You have to understand, Remus that I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm only trying to prepare you for what you are about to face when you'll no longer have these school walls or your parents to protect you. You are one of my best students and a pleasure to teach, but most people outside are going to overlook that, because-'

'Because of what I am,' finished Remus coldly, getting up from his seat. 'I'll be leaving now. Thank you for your time, Professors.'

All Minerva McGonagall could think about as she watched Remus Lupin's retreating back, was how to make life as hard as possible for David Dark.  _He doesn't deserve this…that boy is worth much more than that, and some day he'll prove it._

* * *

 

Peter had been gathering his Charms textbooks from his trunk when the door to the boy's dormitory flung open and literally flew off its hinges. He turned, startled, only to see Remus Lupin, red faced with rage, stomping into the room and very much ignoring the broken door dangling precariously by the edge.

'Hey Remus,' he stuttered out, eyes still fixed upon the door.

Remus either did not hear Peter or was too far gone to care. Instead, he picked up the nearest book on his bedside table, stared at it for a while before flinging it out the window and breaking the glass in the process.

'Remus?' Peter asked again hesitantly. This was not good. Not good at all.

Remus laughed maniacally and shrugged his bag off his shoulders, attempting to throw that out the window too. He let out a shout of rage when the damn thing got stuck halfway through the glass. Peter flinched as his friend took out his wand from his pocket and shattered the glass into a million tiny shards.

Remus smiled satisfactorily and caressed his wand with a single finger. 'Won't be needing this either, will I?' he said to himself bitterly, tossing it out of the window with disdain.

That was the last straw for Peter, and he hurriedly ran out of the room, perhaps out of fear of being thrown out of the window as well. Remus loved his wand and things must have gotten too far for him to chuck it out that way. He needed to find James and Sirius, and fast. Judging by Remus's mood, things were obviously going to get worse. His friends would know what to do to calm the werewolf. They always did.

Lucky for him, Peter found both of them at the foot of the stairs, playfully arguing about the best Quidditch team.

'I'm telling you, the Chudley Cannons will rise-' James smiled as he saw Peter descend down the stairs. 'Hey, Wormtail! Up for a game of Exploding Snap?'

Peter rested his hands on his knees, panting. Who knew running down the stairs could be this energy consuming.

Sirius grinned. 'Been trying to lose some weight working out, eh Wormtail?' He patted the boy's bulging stomach.

Peter shook his head, still trying to catch his breath. There was a loud crash from upstairs and all three of them looked up, confused. 'It's Moony,' said Peter finally. 'I don't know what's wrong with him, but-'

He didn't have to complete his sentence because both James and Sirius had pushed past him and ran up the stairs, two at a time. As they got closer, they could hear the distinct noise of more things breaking, and Sirius nearly missed getting hit in the head by what looked like a substantial piece of their windowsill.

Both of them stared at the broken remains of their door, then at Remus who was now peeling another half of the window frame with his bare hands. Finally, they tore their eyes from the spectacle and looked at each other, a message of understanding passing between them. This wasn't going to be any different from the full moons they spent together, where the wolf would sometimes be angry and bitter and hurt; and Prongs would always stand in front while Padfoot stood guard at the back in an attempt to try to control and console Moony at the same time.

Sirius walked into the room and placed his hands on Remus's shoulders, squeezing lightly. 'Why don't you give that thing in your hands to Prongs, Moony,' he whispered forcefully.

'No,' replied Remus, sounding more like a petulant child. That is, until he decided it was a good idea to hurl the entire piece of frame towards the wall, just brushing past James's ear. James didn't flinch. Both of them knew Remus had missed on purpose. It was a warning: _try me and next time, it'll be your head flying out that window._

'Come on, Remus, tell us what's wrong,' said James, cautiously stepping closer to his friend so that he had barely enough space to move.

Sirius himself had already pressed his front against Remus's back and was rubbing soothing circles down his friend's shoulder blades and spine.

'What's wrong?' Remus exclaimed, waving his hand roughly to the right. The water pitcher on Sirius's table shattered. 'What, you didn't notice, because the whole world seems to have!' Another wave and Peter's bedpost cracked.

Sirius and James looked at each other, silently reminding themselves never to get on Remus's bad side. In addition, the damage Remus was doing seemed a little…irreparable. McGonagall was not going to be happy.

'Don't even know why I bother!' continued Remus. Pieces of parchment and quills were now rising from their tables and swirling around angrily over their heads. 'Why should I give a damn about my OWLs! Don't need to study for them, don't need to give them!' He brandished his hand to the left and another small pile of books flew out of the window. 'It's not like they're going to be put to any use. Especially since I'm going to spend the rest of my life eating little children. That's what they want, isn't it? You know what?' He glared at his bed and his trunk shot out from underneath it. ' I don't even know why I stay here!'

James grabbed Remus's hands before he could did anymore damage – to himself and their room. 'You stay here, Moony, to defy all odds.'

There was silence after that, and Remus just stared into James's sincere hazel eyes, his hands shaking in between his friend's as James's words sank into him. His breathing was heavy from rage but seemed to be slowing down to normal, as he leaned back against Sirius. His knees threatened to give away, and he was only held upright by Sirius's firm grip on his shoulders.

'I hate you guys,' he whispered, letting go of James's hands and burying his face into Sirius's neck. 'I hate you so much. You always do this. You're always trying to bring my hopes up. I hate you. Why can't you just leave me alone?' He wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist, relaxing into the long fingers now rubbing soothing circles down his back.

Sirius looked at James and smiled, raising his hand to run his fingers through long brown locks. 'Because, your hopes…are our beliefs,' he whispered, kissing Remus's hair and feeling ridiculously sentimental.

* * *

 

'So, anyway, I was hoping you guys would come over to my place for a week or two,' said James, practically jumping. It had been the last day of their OWLs today, and the Marauders were the only ones awake in the common room after an entire night of celebration. All four of them were sitting on the floor behind the couch, a conspiratory air surrounding them even though they were being perfectly innocent tonight. After all, they had to keep up their appearances should anybody decide to venture into the common room at this hour. 'Padfoot will already be living at our place, and we could even complete that map of ours. What do you say?'

Peter squeaked a yes, and Remus smiled warmly. 'I'd like that,' he said, resting his hand on top of Sirius's who was sitting right beside him.

Sirius startled a little at the sudden touch. This sort of intimacy was alien on Remus's part, who, Sirius figured, was still a tad uncomfortable with their relationship. Also, they were both flat, rugged, manly men – holding hands never really came into the picture. Sirius turned his hand to meet their palms and entwined his fingers with Remus's. Still, he had to admit, the gesture felt…nice, girliness be damned.

James clapped Peter's back enthusiastically. 'Excellent. You can't believe the books my dad's got. We can learn so many things…'

Sirius grinned when he felt a thumb rubbing slowly across his knuckles. 'Yeah, maybe we can find new ways to torture Snivelly.'

Remus groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his other hand. 'Can't you guys just leave him alone? He's never done anything to you. I mean, how would you like it if someone showed off your underwear to the whole school?'

'I'd ask them if they liked what they saw, or maybe if they preferred briefs instead,' said Sirius, winking at Remus but there was a hint of guilt in his voice.

James smiled knowingly, as he watched the exchange between his two best friends. He shot a glance towards their entwined hands and then turned towards Peter. 'Hey, Wormtail, fancy a trip to the kitchens? We can even get some planning done about what we'll do over the holidays.'

Peter smiled widely. 'Yeah, okay.'

'What about you two?' asked James, already knowing the answer.

'We'll stay here for a while,' said Remus, tightening his hold possessively on Sirius's hand.

Sirius waited until the common room was empty before climbing on top of Remus, straddling his knees and curling up to rest his head on his friend's stomach. He snuggled comfortably and sighed against the soft white cotton. This was truly his most favourite place in the world because for someone so skinny, Remus was incredibly soft and cuddly – like Mr. Magic Marshmallow Man or Martha's Puffy Cupcakes.

Remus chuckled quietly and rested a hand on the crown of Sirius's head, scratching lightly. 'You know, Padfoot. According to most Animagus books, the animal is supposed to be you, not the other way round.'

'Sod the books,' mumbled Sirius, as he nudged Remus's t-shirt up with his nose.

'Stop sniffing me, you mutt. It tickles.'

Sirius kissed the soft expanse of skin and sat up. 'I can't help it.' He grinned, shifting himself closer to sit on the werewolf's lap. 'It's just that you smell so nice.' He wrapped his arms around Remus's shoulder. 'Like pure milk chocolate,' Sirius murmured, digging his nose into the junction of Remus's neck and inhaling his scent. 'Everything you own smells like chocolate, you know. I bet even the teachers recognise your homework by sniffing at it.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Of course. I can just imagine the scene in the staff room, Flitwick smelling our papers. If it smells like chocolate, it's Remus Lupin's. If it smells like wet dog and grass, then it's Sirius Black.' Remus buried his fingers into soft black hair, as Sirius kissed a trail up his neck to his jaw. 'It's probably the stash of chocolate I keep in my trunk,' he said, arching his neck up a little.

'Mmm…that could explain things, but,' Sirius's tounge swiped at Remus's lips. 'You taste like chocolate too. You must be made out of the stuff.'

'You're just being stupid,' said Remus chuckling before pulling Sirius into a kiss.

The kiss - it wasn't hesitant or unsure like the scarce ones they'd shared over the past few months. It was confident and determined and _oh so good_ ; and it was really hard to imagine that they'd never actually been together until a couple of months ago because things were so perfect and they were definitely meant to be. Sirius had no idea what brought about the sudden transformation in Remus, or what made him change his mind all of a sudden, and he didn't care because Remus's tounge was doing the most unimaginable things in his mouth now and  _fuck explanations_.

'I'll miss you,' whispered Remus against his lips once they'd broken apart. 'I'll miss you a lot.'

* * *

 


	18. Truth, Lies, and Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Potter's residence…** _

Sirius dipped his quill in the inkbottle one last time before completing the last few lines of his letter:

_Hope to see you soon._

_-Padfoot_

The owl on the windowsill hooted impatiently.

'Shut up, you ruddy bird!' James Potter threw a badly aimed pillow across the room.

The owl didn't even blink and merely stuck its leg out when Sirius walked towards it, parchment already rolled up in his hand. 'Easy there, Prongs. You might scare Elle away,' he said, stroking the bird affectionately.

James sat up on his bed, clearly disgruntled. 'I don't know why you chose to write to Moony at this ungodly hour, Padfoot. It's only been eight hours since he left. What the bloody hell is so important that it couldn't wait until tomorrow?'

Sirius shrugged, as he held out a palm full of owl treats. 'I was bored.'

It was partially true. He was bored. These two weeks with the Marauders staying at Potters were probably the most fun he'd had since a long time, and the house seemed oddly quiet, now that everyone was gone.

He and Remus hadn't actually done much, not with Mr. and Mrs. Potter's constant presence, but it was merely the fact that Remus was _there_  and always with him. And then, time flew by faster than he could blink, and Remus was leaving for home and hugging everyone goodbye. After that, Sirius spent over an hour sitting in front of the toilet, trying to rid himself of the nauseous feeling that had taken permanent residence inside his stomach until finally, James had to pee badly and Mrs. Potter was urging them to go to bed.

James looked at him incredulously. 'You were bored?' He enunciated every word to make sure he'd heard correctly. 'You were fucking bored at four fucking o'clock in the morning? No one in their right minds is awake enough to entertain you at this hour!'

Sirius smiled and climbed into his bed again, throwing James's pillow to him. 'Moony is.'

James snorted, catching the pillow mid air. 'What, your  _lurve_  radar tell you that?'

Sirius eyes shone impishly in the darkness. 'No, I told Elle to pester him until he wakes up and replies to my letter.'

James shook his head and lay back on his pillow, hands behind his head. 'You know, Moony's going to get back at you for this. He'll probably send you an embarrassing howler or make the owl peck you to death or something.'

Sirius grinned, as he pulled the covers on top of himself. 'I look forward to it…'

There was a comfortable silence after that, both boys just laying in the darkness, listening to the occasional chirping of crickets and the rustling of dry leaves. Sirius still couldn't believe he was here in the Potter's residence as a part of their family. In all his life, it was the last thing he'd expected and it was without complaint. He couldn't have asked for a better summer, though probably Mrs. Potter would say otherwise. One mischievous son was bad enough. Put the two of them together, and she got her own personal hell right here in the house. It was a good thing both Remus and Peter had loving families of their own.

'Padfoot?' James voice suddenly broke his reverie.

Sirius turned to face James on the bed beside him. 'Hm?'

'Do you love him?' asked James uncertainly, running a hand through his untamed locks.

Sirius frowned. What had brought this on? Of course, it came as no surprise that James knew about their relationship. Sirius knew he would without having to tell him. It was just one of those things between best friends, like how a mother always knew when someone had been sneaking into the biscuit jar. Besides, it wasn't like he and Remus tried to be inconspicuous in front of them. They didn't kiss, but they didn't shy away from each other either. They were friends after all. If it weren't them, then whom else would they be comfortable with? He was sure James would have told Peter by now as well.

'I don't know Prongs, love is a strong word,' he replied after a long time.

James bit his lip. 'I was just wondering, you know.'

Sirius shrugged. 'Moony and I…we're different. We're together, and we do have feelings for each other…just…we're not in love, is all.'

To James, it sounded very much like love, but he kept his mouth shut. There was no point in jumping to conclusions. Still… 'Are you sure about that, Padfoot? Are you sure things are that simple? That there are no strings attached in your relationship?'

Sirius rubbed his temples with his fingers. He knew for a fact that Remus didn't love him. It wasn't possible, especially since Sirius felt that he had somehow forced the werewolf into this relationship. 'Yes, I'm sure. Look, what's bothering you, Prongs?'

James grimaced. 'I just don't want Moony to get hurt.'

Sirius snorted, but not without a hint of possessiveness. 'Now  _you_  sound like you're in love with him. Moony's a big boy, Prongs. He can take care of himself.'

James brought himself up on his elbow and looked into Sirius's eyes gravely. 'Yes, but Moony's sort of become like a little brother to me, and I think, for once, he deserves to be taken care of, don't you?'

Sirius frowned at James's sharp and challenging tone.

James sighed, defeated, at his friend's puzzled expression. 'Look, Padfoot, Moony…he tends to get very attached to people and most of the time he gets rejected as soon as they find out what he is. And despite how he might argue that he's used to it, he still hurts. I just don't want you to end up as one of those people to abandon him. He's had enough grief without you adding to it.'

Sirius pushed himself up on his elbow to meet James's eyes 'You know I'd never hurt him, Prongs, you know that,' he said passionately. He was shocked that James would ever doubt him of such a thing. Remus was one of the most important people in the world to him.

James nodded, settling back down again. 'Yeah, okay, but Padfoot, if this doesn't work out…our friendship…it will be ruined forever. And I'm not just talking about you and Moony here.'

Sirius felt his chest tighten uncomfortably. 'Marauders always come first, Prongs. We both know that.'

'Yeah, all right. Just…be careful, Padfoot; that's all I'm saying,' said James slowly, before surrendering to sleep.

* * *

 

Delilah Lupin sighed hopelessly into her food. It was the last day of the summer holidays, and she'd had no progress with her son whatsoever. It was frustrating; the way he moped and just sat there mute, only half heartedly swallowing his food. He'd been like that the entire summer, since he'd come back from the Potters. At first, Del had thought that he was perhaps missing his friends but now, this was getting completely out of hand.

She was a psychiatrist after all, and she knew the signs of depression when she saw it. But instead of talking about it like she'd always taught him to do, Remus chose to lock himself up in his room instead, only coming down during meals. Even when they'd gotten his OWL results, he'd been far from ecstatic. At that time, both she and her husband had figured it was because of the 'E' he'd gotten in Potions, and John Lupin had even offered to cheer him up with tickets to a footy match. However, their son had refused, which was odd by itself. Remus never said no to anything his father offered, especially not football. What Del couldn't understand was what in God's name could have happened that was drastic enough to change her normally affectionate child into this unhappy mess?

She looked up at her husband and saw that he was shooting the same concerned glances towards their boy, who had bags under his eyes so deep that he looked like a raccoon. Obviously, he hadn't been getting much sleep. Del sighed again and reached out to Remus, smoothing the wrinkles on his forehead with her thumb.

'Baby, do you have something you want to tell us?'

Remus's head shot up from his plate, and he looked at both of them with frightened eyes. 'Do I?' he asked, his voice shaking.

Del leaned back in her chair and noticed that John had looked up from his food as well. 'I don't know, love. It seems like you do.'

Remus shook his head and smiled unconvincingly. 'No. No, I don't…' He paused for a while, looking at both of them intently, then sighed, bowing his head low so that his hair tumbled into his eyes. 'No, wait. I-I do.'

Del smoothed his hair back, tucking it behind his ears. 'You know you can tell us anything, Remus.'

Remus took a deep breath and nodded. 'I'm…I'm seeing someone,' he said slowly.

John Lupin frowned, obviously confused. 'Is that a good thing?'

Remus ran a hand through his hair. 'I don't know. We're both good friends, and we like each other a lot. So…yeah, I guess it is.'

'And does she know…about you, that is?' asked Del, placing her hand over her son's.

Remus looked down again, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. 'Yeah, he does.'

Del's eyes widened ( _he?)_ , but John seemed to have not noticed because he broke into a wide grin. 'Well, I don't see a reason to be upset then. We should be celebrating this special occasion, don't you think? Why don't we-'

'John,' interrupted Del, her voice low. 'I'd like to talk to Remus alone for a while.'

Her husband's smile faltered but after a while of thought, he nodded, casting a playful wink Remus's way. He obviously thought that 'the talk' involved something around the lines of the birds and the bees.

Del turned towards her son, expression unreadable. 'Remus, upstairs, now.'

Remus gulped and followed his mother upstairs and into his room. She didn't say anything but casually noted the expressions on her son's face, flitting from fear, to anxiety, to something she couldn't quite read yet.

Honestly, she didn't know what to say. Of all things, this was what she least expected and for the first time in her life, she felt unprepared and unable to solve a problem.

Once they'd entered the room, Remus sat down on his bed, knees immediately drawing up to his chest.

'I don't know what to say, Remus,' said Del slowly, locking the door behind them.

Remus whimpered, burying his face into the crook of his knees.

Del sat down facing him, taking in his drooping form. She sighed heavily and decided to plunge in. 'It's nothing to worry over, Remus. I'm sure it's just a phase, and it probably isn't uncommon for teenagers your age to-'

'Mum, will you, for once, try to understand me instead of studying me!' cried out Remus, looking up at her with bright amber eyes. 'I'm not one of your patients, and I'm not a child.'

Whatever practiced lines Del was going to recite quickly slipped away. 'Remus-'

'I know how I feel, mum and what it means. And I'm sorry, but this isn't going to just fade away with time. I don't mean to be so… _abnormal_ …but there's nothing I can do about it, and it's okay if you want to shout at me now but, please… _try_  and understand…and don't leave me…and…I'm not asking for much,' his voice broke at the end and his eyes immediately cast down to his feet.

Del stared at her son sorrowfully. He'd clearly been holding this back all summer, because he thought his parents were going to desert him.  _Such little faith._  No wonder he'd been miserable. 'Oh, baby,' she carded her fingers through his honey brown hair. 'We'd never leave you, you know that.' When Remus didn't respond, she pulled him into a hug, feeling his arms instantly wind tightly around her.

'I didn't want to tell you at first,' he whispered against her shoulder. 'But I hated lying all the time.'

'It's okay, baby. It's okay…' She rubbed soothing circles on his back. 'I'm glad you did.'

He dug deeper into her shoulder, seeking comfort. 'Dad doesn't know yet.'

'He'll-' A muted shout that sounded a lot like  _fucking hell_  interrupted her sentence. Del laughed. 'I think he just figured it out,'

Remus, however, did not find the situation particularly amusing. 'He doesn't sound very happy,' he said, hesitantly looking up at her.

'He's just a little shocked. He'll get over it, you know your father.'

Remus bit his lip. 'What if he doesn't mum? What if he doesn't want me anymore?'

Del's heart broke at how small he sounded. 'That's impossible, baby. There hasn't been a single moment when your father didn't want you,' she replied, rubbing her thumb against his cheek. 'No one's ever made him more proud. Even when you were born, I remember how he would parade you around everywhere like you were royalty. He'd even take you to work if he could. There was such a drastic change in his personality that his colleagues were afraid he would go hug all the dark wizards and sing lullabies to them instead.' She smiled when Remus let out a weak laugh. 'Even now, Remus, he'd do anything for you and don't tell him this, but I think he's framed your old scribbles in his office because I sure as hell can't find them.'

There was a loud crash from downstairs, and Remus shuddered in his mother's arms. 'Mum, I'm scared.'

Del kissed his forehead. 'Don't be. I'll talk to your father, okay? By morning, he'll probably be teasing you about it.' She unwound herself and stood up. 'Why don't you get some sleep? You have a long journey ahead of you tomorrow.'

Remus nodded, lying down on his bed and pulling the covers over himself. 'Goodnight, mum.'

'Goodnight, baby. Sleep well.'

* * *

 

'Remus!' His mother's voice called out from the kitchen. 'You're dad's waiting in the car!'

Remus ran down the stairs, two at a time, trying to finger comb his hair. 'I'm coming, mum!' He ran past the kitchen door and skidded to a stop to drop a kiss on his mother's cheek. 'Bye!'

'Have a good year, love,' said Del fondly, watching her son walk out the back door.

Remus walked around the house towards the road. John Lupin was already sitting in the car, drumming his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel. He'd already started the engine, which was making a weird groaning noise probably from the last damage it suffered. It was still unknown why Delilah Lupin let John drive the car. After four years, his father's driving had only improved enough for him not to smash into at least four lamp posts on the way. No, now it was only  _three_ …

Remus quickly slipped into his seat and buckled his seatbelt. 'Hey dad.'

John did not reply and stepped hard on the accelerator instead. Remus shrugged, figuring his father had probably not heard him and opted for silence anyway. Halfway through the trip, however, he was starting to feel extremely uncomfortable. His father hadn't even looked at him since he'd entered the car, and the playful banter that they both usually enjoyed was replaced by a very unwelcome and awkward silence.

Remus shifted in his seat. 'Dad?'

Nothing. John just kept on driving.

Perhaps his father hadn't heard him over the sound of the engine? Remus tried again. 'Dad?'

Another sharp left turn.

'Dad, will you please just talk to me?' said Remus exasperatedly, throwing his hands up.

The car stopped at the signal, but John didn't bother looking at his son. He merely shrugged and adjusted the mirror. 'What do you want me to say, Remus?'

 _That you're okay with this. That you don't care._  Remus looked down at his lap. 'I don't know.'

There was a prolonged silence until John finally banged a frustrated fist against the dashboard. 'Damn it, Remus, why do you always have to do this? Why do you always end up making things harder on yourself?'

Remus didn't meet his father's eyes. 'I didn't  _do_  anything, dad. It just happened.' He wrung his hands together nervously. 'I didn't want it to and believe me, I tried to stop it, but-'

'Well, you obviously didn't try hard enough, did you?' The light turned green, and John took off with a sharp start. 'Bloody hell, Remus, do you have any idea how people are going to look at you after this? It's bad enough that you have to deal with being a werewolf, but this…this just takes you on to a whole new level!'

He took another sudden turn, and it was miracle that both men were sitting perfectly upright. 'I don't intend to parade it around, dad. I just felt like I had to tell you and mum, that's all.'

John's grip tightened on the wheel, and he took his eyes off the road to glare at his son. 'And what, Remus? Expect things to go all happy and dandy, when I know that-'

'I'm a monster and now a freak to add to it?' interrupted Remus, eyes looking back with fury. Why didn't his father try to understand? It wasn't any easier for Remus than it was for him, but at least he'd accepted it. 'Say it dad, you know you want to.'

'Well, you'd better get used to it, because at the direction you're going, you'll be hearing it a lot more!'

Remus felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

'Every single day of my life, Remus, I spend searching for a cure to your lycanthropy - anything that will make life easier for you.' John either didn't notice the speed limit sign or was too angry to care. 'Tell me, do I have to search one for your  _gayness_  as well, because I sure as hell don't know.'

Remus felt anger bubble inside of him. Why, why was this happening? This was his father! Of all people, he was the first one Remus had expected to understand. 'It's not a disease, dad, and I'm not gay! I just fell in love!' Remus's eyes widened at his own declaration. That had not been what he'd wanted to say. In fact, the revelation came as shock to himself. He was in love with Sirius? Surely not. 'I just fell in love,' he whispered again, staring at his hands. Perhaps it was a question Remus was asking himself; perhaps it was a confirmation from his heart to his brain. Who knew?

The car came to an abrupt halt in front of the station, and John turned in his seat to face his son. 'You're too young to know what love is, Remus,' he said slowly, shaking his head.

'Maybe,' replied Remus shakily. He looked up at his father's bright blue eyes. 'But that's what it feels like right now. I love him.' The words were just rolling out of his tounge now, fast and unrelenting. 'And he's just as important to me as you or mum…and if you just gave him a chance…'

John Lupin looked away. 'Your trunk's in the boot, Remus,' he said, voice as cold as ice.

Remus felt an iron fist clutch at his heart. 'Dad, please,' he said desperately.

His father shook his head, fixing his gaze straight ahead. 'I'm sorry, Remus, but this is one thing about you that I just will not accept.'

It was the first time Remus Lupin walked to the station completely alone. It was a heart breaking sight, even for those who didn't know what had happened. The way Remus's posture sagged and his shoulders shook, how his eyes shone with unshed tears as he stood there looking at the empty space where his father's car had been only minutes ago. Right then, there was nothing Remus wanted to do more than just fall to his knees and cry, but he didn't, couldn't. Not in the middle of the station, not in front of so many people.

* * *

 


	19. Comfort in Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Hogwarts, Sixth year…** _

Sirius tucked the Marauders Map into his back pocket and entered the abandoned Charms classroom to find Remus fast asleep on a table, dusty tome and parchment beneath him and a quill held loosely in his hand. Ink was dripping down onto the parchment, and Sirius sighed, slowly removing the quill from Remus's grasp before it ruined the little homework that the werewolf had managed to do.

This was happening more and more often. Sirius would watch Remus toss and turn in his bed at night, trying and failing to get a good night's sleep; and by morning he'd be walking around the school like the dead, with bags the size of Europe underneath his eyes. There was something troubling the werewolf and Sirius had wanted to confront Remus a long time ago, but was held back by James who thought the werewolf needed some space. Well, fuck James. Sirius knew Remus hadn't just fallen asleep on his homework; he'd probably passed out from exhaustion.

'Moony,' whispered Sirius, stroking his cheek gently with the back of his fingers. He didn't want to disturb him, but Remus would only wake up later with a painful crick in his neck. 'Moony, come on mate, get up.'

Upon hearing Sirius's voice, Remus's back suddenly stiffened and his eyes shot open, pupils heavily dilated and iris a frighteningly light shade of amber.

Sirius moved back a little but did not remove his hand from Remus's cheek. 'You fell asleep, Moony. Come on, we'll take you to bed.'

Remus's eyes settled on Sirius and his posture relaxed. He let out a small yawn and lifted his head, blinking a bit to get his eyes adjusted to the light. 'What time is it?'

'Its eight thirty, Moony, and you're tired.' Sirius moved his hand to Remus's hair; brushing away the stray strands only to have them fall back in place again. 'It's a weekend tomorrow, you can complete your work then.'

Remus waved his offer off. 'No, no, I can finish this tonight.'

Sirius eyed him warily. 'Moony.' When Remus ignored him, he huffed exasperatedly. 'Fine, but at least finish it back in the dorm.'

Remus nodded, stretched, and stood on his feet. Immediately, his knees buckled underneath him and only Sirius quick reflexes saved him from crumpling to the hard floor.

'That's it, Remus. You're taking the day off. Your grades are impeccable,' he chided angrily, helping Remus up on his feet. 'One night of skipping homework won't hurt anyone, most of all you.' He half carried, half walked them out of the classroom, ignoring the soft moans of protest.

'Honestly, Padfoot, I don't want to sleep.' The sentence was punctuated by another yawn, and Remus finally gave in and rested his head on Sirius's shoulder, letting his friend guide him through.

Sirius growled. 'No, Moony, you  _want_  to sleep. The problem is that you  _can't_  because there's obviously something bothering you.' Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius thought he saw a figure lurking in the shadows, watching and following them. His hold on the werewolf tightened possessively. 'Now, you either willingly tell me what's wrong, or I'm going to beat it out of you.'

Remus smiled weakly, eyes drooping a little. 'You know I'd kick your butt, Padfoot.'

There it was again. Someone was bloody following them around! Sirius shifted his posture a bit, so that he had both Remus and the lurking shadow within his line of sight. 'Don't try to change the subject, Moony.'

Remus nuzzled Sirius's neck, inhaling his scent. 'Mm…honestly, Padfoot, there's nothing bothering me.'

The figure still hadn't come out of the shadows, but its techniques were anything but inconspicuous. It mimicked every move they made, eyes glittering maliciously in the dark. It took some time for Sirius to figure it out, but he knew that hooked nose anywhere.  _Snape_. The bloody, good for nothing, nosy bastard. Sirius would take care of him later. Right now, Remus was first priority. 'Don't lie to me, Moony. You know I hate that.'

Remus sighed, restraining himself from kissing Sirius's neck. They were still in the corridors after all and though it was usually quite empty at this time, it wasn't smart to take chances. 'Look, just drop it, okay. I don't want to talk about it.'

'I don't care,' replied Sirius, after whispering the password to the Fat Lady. That bloody bastard wasn't going to follow him in there. A few of the people in the common room looked up when they entered, but turned back to their work just as quickly. There was nothing incriminating about their positions – it was a friend helping another, and everybody knew how sickly that nice Lupin kid was.

'It doesn't concern you.' Remus's tone was meant to be harsh, but came out wrong as he let out another yawn while climbing up the steps.

'Anything to do with you is my concern. We're supposed to be friends, Moony - no secrets, no lies.' He took off Remus's shoes and helped him into bed before joining him under the covers.

Remus's arms encircled the black haired boy's waist, as he snuggled into the pillow, whimpering contently when Sirius began stroking his hair. 'Some secrets are meant to be kept.'

'And some are meant to be told.'

Remus sighed, defeated. 'I told my parents - about us.' He watched as Sirius's eyes widened with shock. 'I didn't tell them about you. Just that I was going out with another boy.'

Sirius rested his forehead against Remus's, kissing his nose lightly. Inwardly, he was beaming. Sirius knew how special Remus's parents were to him and telling them proved that he actually considered their relationship important. 'I wouldn't have cared if you had mentioned my name, Moony, You know that.'

'I know,' mumbled Remus sleepily, closing his eyes and snuggling deeper.

'How did it go?' Judging by the silence that suddenly took over, Sirius was probably going to dread asking the question.

'Dad can't stand the sight of me anymore…' said Remus offhandedly, trying to sound like he didn't really care, like it didn't matter.

Sirius knew better. Five years of living with the boy had taught him to look for the right signs and right now, the very way Remus's body sagged was indication enough to how upset he truly was.

Sirius's own father hated him, so he didn't really have much say on the matter. But then again, unlike Remus's situation, the hatred was quite mutual. 'Maybe,' he tried, wanting desperately to rid Remus of his anguish. 'Maybe you just caught him by surprise, and he didn't know how else to react.'

Remus shook his head, long hair rippling across the pillows. 'He wouldn't even talk to me.'

Sirius ran his hand against Remus's side affectionately, finally settling at the hip. He hated this. Hated it when Remus was miserable because it made him feel the same way, even though he didn't give a rat's arse about what people thought of him. 'Remus,' he whispered against the werewolf's hair, causing it to fan with every breath. 'Do you want to…' He took away his hand and looked into heavy lidded amber eyes. He didn't want to say it. He didn't, but he also knew how important John Lupin was to Remus. 'Do you want to stop this…?'

Remus's answer was immediate, devoid of any hesitation. 'No. It wouldn't make a difference.'

Relief washed over him, and he instinctively grabbed Remus's chin and kissed him hard. The kiss was mostly one sided, since Remus was already half asleep, and Sirius knew he was being selfish, but he didn't know what he would do if he had to let his friend go. 'Its okay, Moony,' he said after a long time. 'It's okay. It doesn't matter, yeah?'

But Remus had already fallen asleep, breathing slowly into Sirius's chest.

Sirius didn't know what kind of person John Lupin was. He had seemed nice enough when they'd met over the summer, and the Potters seemed to have a special sort of respect for him. However, that wasn't enough to reassure Sirius that he was going to reconcile with his son some day.

If Remus's parents were anything like the Potters, then it was only a matter of time till his father caved in. If they were otherwise, then Sirius didn't care. He'd make Remus forget, take him far away and never have him see his father again. That would teach the old bastard to hurt his friend that way…

* * *

 

'Just tilt his head a bit, Mr. Potter. I don't want him choking on the medicine.'

James slowly lifted Remus's head off the clean white pillows, holding it there, as the Hogwarts matron forced a foul smelling potion down his throat. Remus, himself, was still asleep or perhaps he was unconscious. The latter was a greater possibility, given the ordeal he went through last night.

'That should do it. Now, ease his head down,' instructed Madame Pomfrey. 'Slowly, that's it.' Once he'd finished, she looked at him sternly, hands on her hips. 'Now, since you insist on staying here, Mr. Potter, please make sure Remus doesn't turn his head too much. He needs more blood replenishing potion and I need to go out a bit to restock the supplies. I'll be right back.'

James nodded and sat down on the bed beside Remus's left hand, his eyes raking over his friend's pale form. He might as well have been dead and no one would be able to tell the difference. Only a few hours ago, Remus had been drenched in blood, body mangled and broken. James had never been so scared his entire life and for one moment, he had thought that Remus was truly dead.  _How could you do this, Sirius?_

Anger flared up in him again, as his mind reeled with the events from last night – Snape had found out about Remus. Despite James's best efforts, he'd been too late. The wolf had seen that greasy haired git, and James's had seen its rage at the loss of its prey. He'd known from that very instant how that rage was going to be channeled; he'd sort of expected it in some ways, but actually having to see Remus's shattered body after it all had brought the world crashing down on his head.

James could only hope that Snape would have the smallest ounce of humanity left in him to forgive and forget or at least, keep quiet about Remus. If he didn't, then it was the end of the Marauders and most importantly, it was the end of Remus - permanently. If that nosy bastard decided to report any of this to the Ministry, then even Dumbledore wouldn't be able to do anything against it.

Snape was in Dumbledore's office right now, along with Sirius. James hated waiting, hated this anxious feeling in his stomach. He needed to know the verdict, the final decision, but Dumbledore had strictly refused his presence and dismissed him after hearing his version of the night's events. Sometimes, that old man was a right arse.

James broke out of his reverie when Remus tried to move a little and whimpered in pain. Relief washed over him, as he placed a comforting but firm hand on his friend's shoulder to still him. That had been the first sign of movement Remus had shown since they'd brought him back from the Shack.

'Relax, Moony,' he whispered gently, even though Remus could not hear him.

James's eyes shifted to the infirmary doors, as they slowly creaked open.  _Sirius._ New found fury coursed through his veins, drowning any sort of remorse he'd felt earlier. This was entirely Sirius's fault. Had it not been for the rotten bastard, they would have been in bed right now, retelling their adventures with the wolf.

'How is he?' Sirius's voice sounded tired and hoarse, complimenting the worn out look on his face. Had James been in a better mood, then he would have sympathised with him.

Unfortunately for Sirius, James's anger was only growing by the minute. 'Back to finish the job, are you, Black? Couldn't kill Remus last night, so let's do it today, eh?'

The reaction was immediate. Sirius covered the distance between them in two quick strides and grabbed James by the collar. 'Shut up, Potter. Shut the fuck up, before I-'

'Before you what?' James asked, pushing Sirius off him roughly. 'Before you manage to kill me too?'

Sirius's fists clenched at his sides, fingernails digging hard enough to draw blood. 'No one was supposed to get hurt! It was a joke! A stupid mother fucking prank!'

'Of course, and who better to use than your. Pet. Werewolf?' He punctuated each word with a push to Sirius's shoulder. 'Your own personal freak show?'

Sirius grabbed him by the back of his neck, thumb digging painfully into a vein. 'You don't know anything. Nothing!' he snarled into James's face.

'All I know is that you're doing a mighty fine job of living up to your name, Black!' James spat.

Both boys' fist raised threateningly above their heads.

'Guys?'

James and Sirius's heads whipped around to face Remus who was struggling to sit up and staring at them with wide, questioning eyes. Their hands dropped, and both attempted fake smiles for the sake of their friend.

'How do you feel, Moony?' Sirius asked, moving to sit beside him and stroking his cheek with his thumb.

'Like I've been run over by a hippogriff,' Remus chuckled and then frowned. 'You guys weren't there last night…did you get into trouble? Are you okay?'

James smiled at his friend. This was Remus. Remus who looked like death warmed up and probably felt like it too, but was still more concerned about them than he was for himself. 'We're fine, Moony. But I think,' He shifted his gaze from Remus to Sirius. 'That Sirius has something to say…'

Remus turned towards Sirius's mortified face with a puzzled expression.

'Say it, Sirius,' said James, threateningly. 'He'd rather you tell him than Dumbledore.'

Remus put a reassuring hand over Sirius's. 'What's wrong, Padfoot?'

Sirius shook his head, eyes carefully avoiding Remus's face.

'Come on, Padfoot. Remember, no secrets, no lies,' said Remus, tapping mischievously on Sirius's nose.

'Some secrets are meant to be kept,' whispered Sirius, looking down.

'And some are meant to be told…' smiled Remus, obviously enjoying the conversation.

James's gaze bore into Sirius's head but didn't seem to have any effect on him because Sirius was still staring determinedly at his and Remus's entwined hands. Finally, James took it upon himself to explain. 'Someone was there in the Shack last night, Remus… Snape to be exact.'

Remus's eyes widened and his hold tightened on Sirius's fingers. 'Did I-?'

James shook his head. 'No, we got him out before that…but…he knows about you, Remus.'

Remus's face, if possible, paled even more.

'He won't tell, Moony,' said Sirius quickly, squeezing Remus's hand for reassurance. 'Dumbledore made sure of that. It'll stay a secret…no one's to know about it.'

Remus relaxed visibly but there was still a hint of uncertainty in his eyes. 'How did he know? I mean, how did he know how to get in? It's practically impossible…'

'I told him.'

Remus let go of Sirius's hand as if stung. 'That's not funny, Padfoot.'

'He's telling the truth, Remus. He told Snape,' said James, eyes softening as he turned to his friend.

Remus, wide eyed, shook his head disbelievingly. 'No.'

Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's brown hair. 'Remus, it-it was meant to be a joke…'

Remus simply closed his eyes, not shooing away Sirius's touch but not welcoming it either. He took a deep breath. 'I want to be alone, please.'

'Remus-' pleaded Sirius.

'Please…' Remus whispered in a pained voice. 'Please, just leave...'

'Sirius, just go,' snapped James, watching how Remus's form was slowly crumpling.

Had it been anyone but James, Sirius would have fought back until he got his way. But if there was one thing Sirius had for his black haired friend, it was respect. James knew what he was doing, he always did. And if Sirius's absence was the only way things would be better, then so be it.

The door swung shut as Sirius left, and James put a comforting hand on Remus's shoulder. 'Go away, James.'

James turned slightly and wound his arms around his friend, ignoring the weak protests and placing a firm hand on the small of Remus's back to make sure he didn't move away. Exhausted, Remus stopped struggling against his hold and slumped against James.

'I'm just so tired, Prongs…' croaked Remus, resting his forehead against James's shoulder. 'I'm tired of trying and failing every single time. I'm tired of people hating me and abusing me for what I am. I'm tired of fighting for every breath I take, James. I just want to let go…I want it all to end…'

James grabbed Remus's face with both his hands and lifted it to look into his shining amber orbs. If there was any way to read into Remus's emotions, it was through his eyes. The distress it held, the sheer anguish was enough to kill him, but here was Remus, still breathing, still strong, but on the verge of breaking. Tears shone in his eyes, threatening to fall, and James quickly swiped them away with his thumbs before they could spill. Remus nodded, understanding the message sent to him through that small gesture. Remus would not cry. James forbade it. He didn't deserve so much pain; he didn't deserve to cry for something that wasn't even his fault, especially not for that deceitful bastard who called himself a friend.

'I know you're tired, Moony,' James said gently, as Remus leaned into his shoulder again. 'But I'm asking you to stay. Can you do that? Can you fight for the people who do care?'

* * *

 

James stopped in front of the infirmary door to make sure his invisibility cloak covered every inch of his body properly. It was past visiting hours, and Madame Pomfrey would not be happy to see him, even if he was carrying chocolate – that was sure to make Remus smile. The chocolate had actually been a gift from Peter, who had been eager to come along but was refused by James. Someone had to keep an eye on Sirius, after all, and James was far too angry at him to humour him or even look at him at the moment.

He was about to push open the doors when he heard loud footsteps and quickly moved out of the way, to lean against the walls.

'You should have informed me earlier, Dumbledore. If this happened last night, then I should have been the first to know.'

James recognised that voice from last summer. It was…

John Lupin emerged from a corner, walking agitatedly towards the infirmary. It was obvious through his posture that he wanted to run there but was barely restraining himself for Dumbledore's sake.

James figured Dumbledore must have informed him about last night. His presence didn't really come as that much of a surprise. If there was one thing James knew about John Lupin was that he loved Remus to bits. At first glance, James had figured him to be a hard pressed and stoic man, but one had to look deeper to see that he was actually quite funny, very loving, and slightly possessive of the people he cared about. In some ways, he reminded James a bit of Sirius.

Last time James had seen him, he'd been smiling and joking around with his parents. However, unlike then, his hair was now unkempt, barely covering a badly healed scar over his eyebrow. There were bags of exhaustion below his eyes and the blue of his irises were lined with a deep red. It was exactly how Remus had looked when James had left the hospital wing earlier today. The semblances between John Lupin and his son were simply striking.

Dumbledore's cloak swished erratically as he lengthened his strides to keep up with Mr. Lupin. 'I assure you, John, your son is perfectly fine, and I understand your concern, but I had matters to resolve first. Not to mention, you were on an important assignment.'

'My priorities are different from yours, Dumbledore, and I'd appreciate it if you respected them, as I do yours.'

James quickly moved out of the way, as Mr. Lupin leaned against the infirmary doors but didn't go in. He thought he saw the Headmaster peer towards his direction suspiciously, but the gaze was gone as soon as it had come.

'Albus, about the ministry…' John Lupin said shakily, looking at Dumbledore with a worried expression.

'They know nothing, John, and the boy will not tell…I've made sure of that.'

James leaned a little closer to hear better. He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop and that he should be going, but this was about Remus, and James was his best mate.

John sighed heavily, running a hand through his already untidy hair. 'How did this boy know in the first place? I thought you had this secret well hidden, Albus.'

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. 'One can only guess, John. But as far as I know, Mr. Snape has always harboured a particular disliking for Remus and had taken to following him around for quite a while now.'

James frowned. Why hadn't Dumbledore just told the truth?

John looked through the small glass window on the door. 'He's so pale…'

'He's lost a lot of blood, but he's been in good hands.' Dumbledore rested a hand on his shoulder. 'Would you like to go in?'

John hesitated for a second and then nodded. James quickly followed them through the open door, making sure the cloak didn't get caught anywhere.

Remus was already awake when they entered, swallowing some potion or the other Madame Pomfrey must have left him.

'Hello, Remus. How are you now?' asked Dumbledore compassionately, settling down on a seat near his bed.

Remus swallowed and nodded, putting the vial down on his lap. He glanced towards his father and looked down again quickly. Perhaps it was just James's imagination, but Remus didn't look too happy to see Mr. Lupin.

'I think you know what happened last night, Remus,' continued Dumbledore, taking the vial from Remus's hand and placing it on the table.

Another silent nod. Remus didn't even bother to look up.

If Dumbledore noticed Remus's attitude, he didn't say anything about it. Instead, he simply folded his hands on his lap. 'Well, in my haste, I seemed to have neglected your opinions, Remus. I've done what I can, but the final decision is up to you.'

'I want to go home,' said Remus at once, and James had to stifle a cry of indignation with his hand.

Dumbledore frowned, adjusting his glasses. 'Are you sure, Remus?'

Remus looked up at the Headmaster with wide sorrowful eyes. 'Please...'

 _No, you idiot! You can't go now!_ James wanted to beat Remus's head with a stick.  _What about us…the Marauders…?_

Dumbledore sighed. 'Very well. We'll send your things to you by tonight. You can go home with your father now.'

Remus threw a hesitant look towards his father and nodded, staring at his lap again.

Dumbledore smiled and turned towards Mr. Lupin. 'John, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to talk to Remus alone for a while.'

James was sure John Lupin was going to say no, and he looked like it too. But in the end, he muttered a harsh 'fine' and walked out, James trailing behind him. He didn't think he could listen to anymore rash decisions Remus was going to take. It was insanity as it was.

James quickly threw of his invisibility cloak in a corner and walked towards John Lupin's rigid figure. 'Mr. Lupin.'

Mr. Lupin startled and turned towards James. 'Oh, James, it's you.' He smiled. 'I can't thank you enough for what you've done. Dumbledore told me and if there's anything I can do…'

'There is,' cut in James, dumping the stash of chocolate he was carrying into Mr. Lupin's hands. 'I want you to bring Remus back.'

* * *

 


	20. Wounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts…** _

Lily Evans was completing her Potions essay when the portrait hole slammed shut loudly, making her literally jump out of her skin. She slammed her quill down angrily with every intention of telling off whoever it was for being so careless, when there was an enraged yell, and she looked up to see none other that James Potter marching across the common room. Havoc and Potter – what a surprise.

'SIRIUS BLACK!'

Sirius, who had been reading (for once), had hardly looked up from his book when, to Lily's utmost surprise, James grabbed him by the collar of his robes and hauled him out of his seat.

Sirius's eyes widened. 'Prongs, what-'

James's fist collided sharply with his jaw and there was a collective gasp from the occupants in the common room, as Sirius stumbled back in surprise. But James was clearly not satisfied with one punch because before he got the time to collect himself, Sirius was tackled to the ground, arms held together tightly to prevent him from fighting back.

'You fucking bastard!' roared James, punching Sirius in the eye. 'I warned you! I told you not to hurt Moony, but you just couldn't fucking resist, could you?'

Sirius didn't even struggle against James's assaults. He simply lay there; limp as his so-called best friend continued to punch him in the head, his chest, his stomach, both unaware of the ruckus they were causing in the common room.

Lily frowned and got up from her seat immediately. She didn't know what this was about and how Remus was involved, but it had to stop. It was odd though, she'd never seen the two of them fight this violently before. They were like blood brothers after all, and their arguments had never really lasted over a minute. Still, if Black and Potter wanted to kill each other, they could very well do it in the privacy of their own dormitories.

She put her hands on James's shoulders and was surprised when he pushed her away roughly.

'Get the fuck off me, Evans and for once, mind your own sodding business!' growled James, as he punched Sirius in the gut.

Lily blinked rapidly before looking desperately at the rest of the students in the common room who were watching with amused horror. 'Help me!'

'I hope you're happy, Black!' screamed James, struggling, as Lily and two other older prefects tried to pry him off of Sirius. 'He's gone! Remus has gone home!'

Lily almost loosened her hold then. Remus had gone home? Why? What could Black have done that was so serious? Was he hurt?

Meanwhile, James was putting up quite a fight until with one final shove to Sirius shoulder, he let himself be pulled away. For such a skinny boy, he had a lot of strength in him. Surprising what rage and adrenaline could do.

Sirius, however, seemed to break out of his reverie only after James's last statement, and he grabbed his hand pleadingly, completely oblivious to the blood running down his nose and chin. 'Wait…' he choked out. 'Remus…'

'He'd better come back, Black,' warned James, shrugging the restraining hands off his shoulders and straightening his shirt. 'He'd better come back.'

* * *

 

John and Remus had hardly made it to the living room of their house when they heard frantic running from the kitchen and in the blink of an eye, Remus was being pulled into a tight hug by his mother.

'Oh, baby, you're alright,' she said, kissing his hair and squeezing him tighter. 'I was so worried.' Del smiled and looked into her son's amber orbs, affectionately brushing the hair out of his face. She frowned when Remus's eyes immediately cast down to his feet. 'Do you want to me to get you something, Remus?'

Remus shook his head, disentangled himself from his mother, and started walking up the stairs. His head was bowed low; his shoulders slumped, as if drowning in shame. Del frowned as she watched his hands shakily open the door to his room.

'He'll be staying here a while,' said John finally, when the door to Remus's room had clicked shut.

Del didn't reply, just nodded and started up the stairs herself with a firm intention to comfort her son. Her baby was obviously taking this particular incident very hard, though she couldn't fathom why. Remus had always been a little sensitive, but he'd never seen the point in brooding.

She startled when John stopped her by the wrist. 'I'll talk to him.'

To Del, his voice sounded cold, uncaring, and her answer was instant and firm. 'No.'

John's grip tightened, not enough to hurt, just enough to keep her from moving. 'I said, I'll talk to him.' He moved up two steps higher, towering over her, challenging her to refuse.

Del snatched her hand back sharply and glared at her husband. 'Fine,' she spat. 'But I'm warning you, John. If Remus sheds a single tear on your behalf, I swear to God, I'm taking my son and leaving.'

John simply turned his back to her statement, climbing to the top of the stairs. The daggers that Del shot into his back either went unnoticed or were completely ignored.  _He's my son too._ He breathed a frustrated sigh before knocking on his son's bedroom door and entered before he could get a reply.

John found Remus sitting on his bed, knees drawn up to his chest and head buried deep within its crook. The little sun that Remus had allowed through the crack in the curtains only served to highlight how truly pale he was and the light cast an overbearing shadow on his weak frame. Remus was clutching on to the blankets around his shoulder loosely and shivered when he heard John close the door behind him. Was Remus afraid of him?

Remus hugged his knees tighter as he came closer, pulling the blanket closer to himself in the process. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered into his knees when John made to sit beside him.

'What for?' asked John, puzzled. From what Dumbledore had told him, none of this was his son's fault. Not that he'd doubted Remus in the first place.

Remus looked up, eyes shining brightly in the dark. 'For everything. For…for always making life so hard for you. For never being able to do anything right and making you even more ashamed of me. For being more of a freak than I already am.' Remus choked. 'For the healers not killing me the day I was bitten -'

John slapped Remus so sudden and hard, that it left large, scarlet fingerprints in contrast to his pale cheeks. Remus stared at him in shock, breathing heavily and raising his hand to gingerly touch the stinging red marks. A tear cascaded down his cheek, unbidden, and no sooner had it fallen to the sheets that Remus broke down, heart wrenching sobs racking his thin frame.

He wasn't crying. He was - relieving himself of all the pain he'd kept bottled for so long -  _because_ , John realised, because no one ever let Remus cry. He was always expected to be the strong one, to just take everything in and never say a word. It reminded John painfully of the small boy he would hold during the very first transformations, the one who would be so helpless and could never understand why he was going through so much pain.

'Come here,' he growled out, reaching out a hand towards his son.

When Remus didn't respond, John pulled him forcefully into a rough embrace, holding Remus's shaking shoulders firmly, kissing his forehead, and rubbing his back comfortingly. 'Shh…I'm here, Remus.' He could feel his son's tears soaking through the shoulder of his shirt and pulled him closer. 'Daddy's right here.' It was exactly what he would say those mornings when he'd hold his wand to a gaping wound and try his best to heal them.

'Please don't hate me anymore, dad. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me anymore…don't hate me…' And then, even those few words dissolved into tears, and Remus was weeping uncontrollably into his chest, fists clenching around his shirt, so afraid to let go.

John stroked his light brown hair soothingly.  _I could never hate you, Remus._ And it was the truth. Though he'd never admit it, for that one moment, when Dumbledore had told him what had happened, John's heart had literally stopped. His mind had started supplying him with morbid scenarios of what could happen to Remus, and  _oh god_ , what if the ministry found out and decided to take action. Then the last words he'd ever said to his child would be about not accepting him, and he'd never be able to forgive himself if anything happened to his Remus, his only son. The boy who'd always made him so proud.

It had hit him then, back when he was running to the hospital wing, furious at Dumbledore for not informing him sooner. He had acted precisely like his own father had ten years ago; when John had brought Remus back from the hospital to his grandpa's to cheer him up. The very same indifference, the same prejudiced attitude and ignorance. Back then, John had never hated his father more and that hate only grew over the years as Chris Lupin continued with his façade. John knew that Remus would never hate him, but it would be exactly how his son would remember him as well - as a bastard who couldn't look beyond the box to see that everything was still the same.

John let Remus go, his eyes savouring the sight of his son alive and well. 'I'll have to ask you to keep it down,' he said, smiling and wiping away the wet tracks on Remus's cheeks. 'Your mother said she'd leave if I made you cry.'

Remus's laugh came out with another strangled sob but to John, it was the most comforting sound in the world.

* * *

 

' _You know, Moony, we're special,' said Sirius, closing his eyes contently._

_Remus smiled into his hair, shivering when Sirius reached up to brush his lips against the dimple on his right cheek. 'Mm…how so?'_

_They were sharing a bed in James's house. Well technically, Remus's makeshift bed remained unused since Sirius's one was so much more comfortable. They were lying together under the warm blankets, both bare chested and sharing slow, lazy kisses in the dark, with only James and Peter's snores interrupting the quiet of the night. Their legs were entwined between each other, and Sirius's upper body lay on top of Remus's torso, head pillowed comfortably against his shoulder. Remus's arms held him loosely around the chest and nothing in the world could feel more right._

_Sirius traced the vein on Remus's hand with his thumb. 'Well, we're not like other people, are we? I mean, we're together, but it's not like we have to give each other flowers and chocolate all the time, or write soppy poetry about how our eyes shine like beetles or something silly like that. We don't celebrate anniversaries, and we can get away with socks for birthday presents. Special, see?'_

_Remus laughed quietly and kissed the side of Sirius's head, just above his ear. 'Sirius, you never give me any chocolate because I already have enough to feed an entire nation, and I never give you any because I end up eating most of them myself.' He nipped Sirius's ear affectionately. 'Flowers make Padfoot sneeze and most magical ones are poisonous anyway.' Sirius pulled Remus's arms tighter around himself, pouting slightly. 'Anniversaries are out of the question because none of us know exactly when we got together and as for the socks…I'd kill you if you ever think of getting me any for my birthday.'_

_Sirius pouted. 'Did I mention that we were also horribly unromantic?'_

'Dreaming again, Remus?'

Remus snapped out of his daydream to see his mother leaning against the swing he was sitting on. It had been bought a long time ago during Remus's younger years. Back then, he would spend hours in the backyard trying to make it go higher, completely ignoring his father's explanations about how garden swings never went above a few inches from the ground. Now, after fifteen long years, the black paint was finally chipping and the hinges creaked noisily from the years of piled up rust.

Del Lupin moved around it to sit beside her son and held out a plate of freshly baked cookies. She smiled when Remus grabbed two and shifted his eyes to his father, who, for some reason had taken to preening the garden today. Well, the reason probably involved Del screaming herself hoarse this morning, but Remus didn't have to know that. John needed to set an example after all and if she was lucky, she might be able to convince Remus to clean out the garage.

'You've been drifting off a lot lately. Someone special on my baby's mind?'

Remus bit into his cookie harder than necessary and smiled bitterly. 'You needn't worry about that anymore, mum. It's pretty much over.'

Del chewed thoughtfully. 'Lover's spat?'

Remus's laugh came out loud and mirthless. 'It would seem,' he said, letting his mother guide his head to her shoulder. 'That my love was nothing more than a joke to him.'

'Mm…' Del handed him another cookie. 'Sometimes Remus…' She paused, frowning as she caught the smell of nicotine off his clothes. Perhaps, John was smoking beside the laundry again? 'The people we love the most hurt us in ways we'd never think possible.' Her eyes shifted to her husband who seemed to be killing their plants rather than preening them. 'But they don't do it because they don't care about us. Just, at times, stupidity gets the better of them.' John cursed obscenities at her prized rosebush. Del turned to look at her son whose eyes had glazed over a bit. 'That's what we're here for. To guide them through that stupidity, and also because no one else will have them.'

Remus chuckled and reached out for a cookie across her lap.

'That's why, Remus,' Del paused, watching her husband walk towards them, muddy and dirty and looking incredibly grumpy. 'Sometimes it's best to just forgive and forget - and don't touch those cookies with your filthy hands, John,' she snapped, her voice changing abruptly from parental to annoyed.

John ignored her and bit into the largest one. 'My sister here yet?'

Remus's head shot up so suddenly that he pulled a muscle. 'Aunt Natasha's coming over?' he asked frantically looking around and rubbing his neck.

'Didn't your mum tell you?' John frowned when Del moved the plate out of his reach. 'She wanted to know why you were home in the middle of a school term, so I told her you were sick. She immediately wanted to come over. She should be here, right about…' He checked his watch. 'Now.'

As if on cue, they heard the clickety clack of high heels against the pavement, and Natasha Lupin burst through the back gate, her blonde hair whipping cheerfully in the wind. 'Remoo!'

Remus groaned, hiding his face in his mother's t-shirt. 'Mum, how could you do this to me?'

Del smiled and finger combed his hair. 'Now, Remus, be nice. You know Nash loves you like hell, and she doesn't have any children.'

The last time Aunt Natasha tried to proclaim her love, Remus had ended up with hair puffed up like an old lady at a tea party. It took an entire week and very painful scrubbing to get all the hairspray out. 'Why can't she just get a dog?'

'Good Lord, look how big you've gotten! I can hardly reach you!' Remus grimaced as his aunt smeared his cheeks with lipstick filled kisses. 'You're shaping up to look just like John, though much cuter.' She pinched his cheeks and then grimaced as her eyes raked over his face. 'John was right. You must be sick; look how pale you are. We need to get you to bed right now, and I'll whip up some-'

Remus looked at his parents helplessly.

'Let him go, Nash,' chuckled John, as he lit up a cigarette, much to the disapproval of Del. 'I'm teaching my boy how to drive today.'

Remus wasn't sure which was worse – getting killed by his father or getting killed by his father's sister.

* * *

 

Sirius looked down at his feet as the cool waves rushed over his bare toes. They'd adopted a faint tinge of pink by now and the heavily wrinkled look of an old man. How long had he been at the lake - an hour, maybe two? Time seemed to pass by when you're miserable and alone and thinking of the only person who knew how to make things better for you.

_If the Giant Squid attacks you, I promise to go down hand in hand._

He sighed and lifted his legs out of the water, pulling on his shoes and stuffing the socks into his pocket. He'd have to go back to the dormitory; judging by the loud thunderclaps and the sudden bursts of light cutting through the sky; it wouldn't be long before the heavens decided to pour. The night skies themselves had gotten a shade darker, slowly turning starless, save for one star.

_Why reach for something so far away, when I have the real thing right here?_

Remus…

Sirius wondered if Remus would ever come back. The rumours had already spread, brewing from the public fight he and James had had in the common room; and even though Remus's absence had been explained away as sickness, the rest of the school knew better. Even those who hadn't been in the common room that night knew Sirius had done something horrible and soon came out with explanations of their own - some going to the point where they suspected Sirius had killed him. It wasn't far from the truth.

In a few days, Sirius had transformed from the most popular boy in school to the most loathed. The Gryffindors hated him for doing whatever he had to poor Remus Lupin, the nice boy who was always so polite and helpful. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs followed suite for very similar reasons, and the Slytherins simply made use of the opportunity to jeer at Sirius whenever he passed by. Everyone hated him and for the first time in his life, he realised how Remus must feel after every trip to the ministry.

_You don't know what it's like, Sirius, to be hated everyday of your life for something you can't explain…_

He wrinkled his nose as he passed by the Infirmary, the pungent smell of antiseptic very nearly choking him. Remus hated hospitals. He hated how they were always so white and dull, and he would often beg and plead to please get him out of this hellhole.

_When I was bitten, I had to stay in the hospital for ages and everyday, I'd cry and cry about how I hated it there. Finally, my dad got fed up and bought this box of glitter crayons. He told me to draw on the walls and lighten things up a bit. And if they try to stop you, you tell them how strong your daddy is, he had said._

How would Remus be feeling now, stuck at home with the burden of Sirius's stupidity? Would his parents add to his misery - with John Lupin refusing to acknowledge him, and Delilah Lupin trying to play peacemaker between her husband and her son? Sirius felt a sharp twinge in his chest at the thought of his friend hurting.

He entered the common room, eyes automatically falling over the loveseat in front of the fire. He and Remus would creep down here, sometimes at three in the morning, just to be alone and away from everyone. Kisses were slow and languid then, exploring and expressive; sometimes even unnecessary as they sat in the dark in an exaggerated cuddle, talking about inane things.

_Padfoot, will you just shut up and kiss me!_

Sirius entered their room, taking up his usual space on Remus's bed and running his hands over the sheets. He hadn't let the house elves clean them because they were the only things that pointed towards the existence of another boy previously living here. Everything else - clothes, books; they'd all been packed up and sent back to the Lupin cottage.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Sirius saw James entering the room after a morning shower, dripping water on to the floor. James never learned, despite all of them having nearly broken their tailbones from slipping on wet floor.

_Do you know how bad that will look on my morgue report, Prongs? Remus Lupin, ferocious werewolf, murdered by a puddle of bath water?_

'Up for a game of Quidditch after lunch today?' James asked casually, sorting out his clothes from the laundry pile.

Sirius startled. James hadn't talked to him since… 'You're not angry anymore?'

James turned to face his friend. 'No, Sirius, I'm still bloody furious. But I also know that you don't  _think_  sometimes, and that you didn't really mean what you did. Besides, I miss you, you're my brother, and I'm willing to forgive you.'

Sirius nodded dumbly, as James flopped down on the bed beside him. He felt like a heavy load had been lifted off his chest. It hurt to only be able to talk to Peter, and he could feel the beginnings of a smile tugging at his lips. 'Thanks. I really am…sorry, I mean.'

'I know,' said James, pulling his shirt over his head. 'And I'm sorry about the face. I shouldn't have hit you that hard.'

Sirius shrugged. 'I deserved it.'

'You did, but I think I overdid it a bit.'

Sirius didn't argue, and his gaze shifted to Remus's pillow instead. 'Do you think he'll ever forgive me?'

James laid an arm around Sirius's shoulder. 'Without a doubt.'

'How do you know? This isn't like some book I borrowed and forgot to return, you know. I mean…I nearly…' Sirius didn't finish his sentence and searched James's face for an answer.

'Because it's Moony.' The answer was that simple.

_I can never stay angry with you for too long, Padfoot._

'Will he come back?' asked Sirius, his eyes glancing at the letters on his table that he hadn't had the nerve to send.

James bit his lip. The replies Remus had sent to his own letters had been short and devoid of any useful information. 'I don't know, Padfoot. I honestly don't know.'

* * *

 

John watched as Remus drove through the roads back home. It had hardly been a week and a half, and the boy was driving better than his old man had ever managed. Well, why wouldn't he? After all, he had John Lupin teaching him, with a little monitoring from Del, of course. But that was hardly noticeable. The fact was that, throughout their little driving sessions every morning, John had noticed how focused and sharp Remus was. His boy had potential, he had to admit, and John was starting to feel that holding him back for any longer would be a crime by itself.

'Remus,' he said, after a long period of contemplation.

Remus, who had been nodding his head to the music playing on the radio, turned his head slightly, not taking his eyes off the road. 'Hm?'

'For as long as I know you, you've never - turn left from the corner - given up on anything.' John adjusted the front mirror to see the annoying bloke who kept honking his horn. 'No matter how many times you've failed, I've always seen you stand up again…'

Remus pretended to be distracted by the constant noise behind him, but there was a telltale blush creeping up his cheeks.

'And it's been almost two weeks since you've come back home, and  _damn it_!' John pulled down the window and made a very rude gesture to the car behind him.  _Stupid bloody…_

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Mum will kill you, you know. Corrupting my virgin eyes and all.'

John growled. 'You didn't see anything; you had your eyes on the road the whole time. Anyway, I don't think this time should be any different, and it's not like your mum and I don't want you to stay, but,' he growled when the incessant honking started again. 'Excuse me, Remus.' He grabbed his wand from the dashboard and flicked it irritably. Immediately, the honking stopped.  _Ha! Now you can spend your time figuring out where your bloody engine went._  'As I was saying,' John continued, ignoring Remus's amused laugh. 'I think it's time you went back to school, Remus.'

Remus smiled, eyes twinkling merrily as he took a left turn. 'I think so too, dad.'

* * *

 


	21. Kiss from a Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

**_Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts…_ **

Remus looked at the door in front of him and took a deep breath. This was it. He was back at Hogwarts, standing in front of the boy's dormitory. It was a Friday night and everyone was probably in their respective rooms, James, Sirius, and Peter included; and judging by the noises coming from the other side of the door, they were probably playing Exploding Snap.

He wondered if they'd missed him as much as he had them. He gripped the handle tightly, sighed and finally turned. The silence that met him was almost deafening. All three of them (who had been sitting on his bed, Remus noted), froze in their positions almost comically and stared at him as if he'd grown a second head.

Remus tried to put on his best smile. 'Hey, guys,' he said shakily, trying not to blush at the awe filled stares.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth that Remus found himself enveloped in the warmth of too familiar arms – the same arms he'd both missed and tried to avoid for the past few days. Instinctively, Remus's own hands moved up, one to rest at the base of Sirius's neck and the other on the small of his back.

'You're back,' whispered Sirius into his hair, holding him tighter.

Over Sirius's shoulder, Remus could see both James and Peter tense, and he smiled reassuringly.  _It's okay_ , he tried to say, and the message must have gotten across because James suddenly broke into a large smile and urged Peter to get off the bed. Remus watched quietly as they walked across the room to where he and Sirius were standing.

'Took you long enough, you stupid sod,' said James, punching his shoulder lightly. 'Welcome back.' His eyes shifted to Sirius who was still clinging on tightly to Remus and shook his head. His mouth opened as if wanting to say something but closed again almost instantly. Instead, he chose to wind his arm around Peter's shoulders and walk out of the room.

As the door clicked shut, Remus felt Sirius rest his forehead against his shoulder. 'I missed you,' he whispered against Remus's shirt. 'So much, so much…'

The hand that Remus had kept on Sirius's back fisted his t-shirt. 'You hurt me, Sirius.' The words had meant to come out as spiteful, but Remus had forgiven his friend so long ago that such accusations came off with little relevance.

Sirius's hands wandered down his back, pulling him closer. 'I'm sorry…so sorry.'

'Why did you do it?' asked Remus, already succumbing to the soft butterfly kisses being trailed down his neck and shoulders. Hardly any time had passed since he'd come and already Sirius was rendering him helpless.

'I don't know,' breathed Sirius against Remus's neck, pushing away his shirt from his shoulder in search of skin and kissing gently.

It was only when the back of his knees hit the bed frame, did Remus realise that Sirius had been pulling the both of them closer to the bed the whole time. 'I don't know if I can trust you again, Sirius.'

Sirius slowly lay down on the mussed sheets, bringing Remus on top of him. 'I know,' he whispered looking down. He grabbed the werewolf's hands and brought them to the base of his shirt, guiding them over his head. 'But I trust you,' he finished, resting a hand on Remus's cheek and pulling him closer into a kiss.

Remus hesitated, wanting to move away and submit himself to those soft insistent lips at the same time. Finally, their mouths crushed together fiercely, tounges instantly sliding together in a well practiced rhythm and  _Gods,_ how had Remus stayed without this for so long? There was no time for words, no time to–

Now… _now_  it was only about Remus straddling Sirius's stomach, and Sirius's trembling fingers buried into Remus's hair, and the way their bodies shook as they parted every so often, only to delve deeper, hold tighter.

Clothes were discarded in frenzy, pure unadulterated need consuming them, as Sirius ran his hands up Remus's bare chest, stopping to feel the frantic racing of his heart. Remus's hips ground into Sirius's in reply and they both gasped, kissing hungrily. He felt Sirius move his hands down, groping Remus's arse, crushing their bodies harder together and wrapping his leg around his waist.

'I'm sorry,' Sirius moaned, letting his head fall back into the pillows, as Remus licked the column of neck below him, sucking and biting gently.

His eyes fell shut as Remus's teeth grazed softly against his skin, getting bolder by the minute and traveling lower - mouth sliding hotly and tounge teasing until Sirius was left whimpering and moaning loudly.

Remus's fingers dug painfully into his skin, and Sirius's hands buried into brown hair, urging him upwards before he could move any further. For one blissful second, they simply look at each other – Sirius with his dark hair strewn haphazardly across the pillow and eyes glazed over as overbearing pleasure rippled through his body; Remus bent over him, long hair dripping with sweat, lips wet and gleaming in the light as he panted from sheer  _need_.

And then Sirius turned to lie on his stomach, and Remus felt his eyes widen.

'Sirius,' he whispered. They'd never done this; never gone beyond snogging and some heavy petting. They were scared perhaps or maybe just not ready but now Remus understood the gesture. Sirius was giving himself up to him; trusting in him completely to do whatever he pleased.

Suddenly, the room felt oddly cold.

'Please, Remus,' gasped Sirius. 'Please…please…'

Remus wasn't sure what he was pleading for, but there was only so much control he could keep, and he sighed against Sirius's hair before moving to kiss it and stroke it; traveling lower, trying to touch him everywhere as an overwhelming heat enveloped them. The springs screeched and moaned in time with Sirius's guttural groans, only serving to fuel Remus's moves as their sweaty skins pressed together.

And  _then,_ Remus was inside him, around him, over him, and it hurt, despite the generous preparation. Remus could tell by the way Sirius clutched at the sheets. But soon, bearable pain dissolved into intense pleasure and then it was just,  _fuck_ and  _Remus_  and _pleaseohplease_. Until finally, Remus found himself falling into an endless chasm of bright lights and absolute darkness. He was screaming, but without sound; the silence spelling the  _I love you_  he would never have the nerve to say.

* * *

 

Sirius sighed contently at the feeling of a warm, comfortable weight on his back and the soft puffs of breath against his cheek. Remus was still sprawled on top of him, he realised, and judging by the occasional dance of fingertips across his skin, he was also very much awake.

'You stayed,' whispered Sirius sleepily.

Remus's hands slid upwards to rest on top his on the pillow. 'You didn't think I was going to bang you up and just leave, did you?'

Sirius didn't answer and breathed heavily when he felt Remus roll off his back to lie on his side so that they were both facing each other.

Remus cupped his cheek gently. 'Did you?'

Sirius looked into curious amber eyes - the window to Remus's heart, expecting the contempt and scorn he'd prepared for and finding none. 'I wouldn't blame you if you did,' he said softly. 'Only, I need you to know that I didn't mean any of it. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, least of all you and-'

He was cut off by Remus's hand slipping on top of his mouth. 'I forgave you, Padfoot…a long time ago.'

Sirius reached up a hand to entwine with Remus's, relishing in the feeling of them being together again. 'Gods, Moony, you're just so…' Beautiful? Gorgeous? Wonderful? All these words seemed so insignificant. He let Remus pull him closer and leaned into the inviting warmth, digging deeper in an attempt to mold himself into that incredible body. 'I don't know how you can forgive me after all that I've done.'

Remus closed his eyes as he felt Sirius's long fingers caress his hair and face. 'I didn't want to at first,' he whispered. 'I wanted to know what I'd done for you to hate me so much; why you'd want to hurt me like that-'

Sirius looked up so suddenly that their noses bumped together. 'I didn't, Remus-'

'I know, Padfoot,' he chuckled, rubbing his nose. 'I just needed some time to understand that, I suppose…'

Sirius kissed the corner of his mouth. 'I've missed you so much.' Another teasing kiss on the bottom lip. 'I thought you'd never come back, and I just…I couldn't…'

Unable to express what he'd been feeling these past few days, he captured Remus's lips in a fierce kiss that slowly dissolved to something slow and beautiful, and left the both of them wondering how they'd managed to stay apart for so long.

* * *

 

Lily stopped in front of the boy's dormitory door and rapped her knuckles on the wood. She'd seen Potter, Black, and Pettigrew frolicking in the corridors, so she was confident she'd be alone with Remus for a while. Maybe now she could get some proper talking done with that thickheaded pillock.

'Remus, are you decent enough for me to enter?'

There was a snort from the other side of the door. 'Define decent.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'Remus!'

The voice burst out laughing. 'Come in, Lily but don't blame me if you're scarred for life. I think James left his underwear lying around the floor somewhere.'

Lily sighed exasperatedly and opened the door, keeping her eyes fixed firmly on the figure at the windowsill, just in case Remus was right and Potter's undergarments were in plain view to wandering eyes. Remus was sitting on the ledge, face turned away from her and feet dangling in the air. There was an occasional breeze that played with his hair, blowing it to the side and twirling it in a gentle caress, and was that a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth?

'Didn't know you smoked,' said Lily, carefully seating herself beside Remus. She tried not to look down and briefly wondered how any sane person could sit so high up without developing a severe case of vertigo.

'I didn't - until a week or so,' Remus looked at her, the amber of his eyes swirling in a mysterious dance. 'Watch this.'

He inhaled deeply and then exhaled in three alternate puffs, which, to Lily's surprise, seemed to mold into the distinct shapes of a dog, a deer, and a mouse? She couldn't help but laugh. Trust Remus to make something like smoking an art form.

'Took me ages to get the stag right,' he said, inhaling again.

Lily frowned. Well, the deer bit had been close.

'So, what brings our dear Miss Evans to the smelly but humble abode of Remus Lupin?'

Lily almost didn't hear the question. She was busy watching Remus, searching for any change in his appearance or demeanor as such; anything that would point out to the events of that fateful morning, but she found nothing. He looked a little older, more mature perhaps and he'd filled out a bit more, but that only enhanced his features. There was no sign of distress or a need for comfort of any sort. He looked almost… _happy_.

'Just wanted to know how my good friend was doing,' she replied finally, wondering if the expression on Remus's face was just another façade.

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'So, what are you really here for?'

Lily mock huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. 'I can't believe you, Remus Lupin! Here I am, worried about you, and you have the audacity to accuse me of having a means for my concern.'

Remus looked up at the stars. 'I'm sorry, Lily.'

Lily smiled. 'It's quite all right.'

He exhaled. 'So, what are you really here for?'

Lily sighed.  _Might as well ask it_. 'I wanted to know, why?' She watched as swirls of grey rose above Remus's head, giving him an even more mysterious air. 'Why you and Sirius are back together again, not just as a couple, but as friends as well?' she finished quickly.

Remus inhaled. 'Didn't think you knew about us,' he said calmly.

Lily nearly choked on her own spit when she noticed her slip up. 'Er…yeah. I sort of walked in on you guys kissing - before you left.' There was a steady blush rising up her cheeks. 'It was really late, and I didn't think anyone would be in the common room and er, yeah,' she finished lamely.

If Remus was even remotely embarrassed over being caught necking his best friend in the common room, he didn't show it, nor did he try to deny it. He simply stubbed the last of his cigarette against the wall and laid a gentle hand over hers. 'Appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'Of course not! But that still doesn't answer my question. Why did you let him back in, Remus?' It wasn't that Lily still harboured a crush on Remus. Quite the contrary, she'd gotten over him a long time ago but he was still her friend and she cared for him a lot.

Remus shrugged, a slow, serene smile spreading across his face. It was one of those smiles that very few were graced with – the one that appeared more through his eyes than his lips and left the lightest of dents on each of his cheeks; it spoke of contentment and joy and something else entirely that Lily was yet to decipher. 'I love him,' he said softly.

For some reason, Lily was not the least bit surprised, and she felt her grip instinctively tightening around his hand. 'He doesn't love you, Remus.'

Remus's smile never faltered. 'No, he doesn't.'

He didn't deserve this. Remus needed someone who could love him back. 'Look, Remus, I know you're not going to tell me what really happened between the two of you, but I've never seen Potter this angry. If we hadn't stopped him, he would have killed Black for sure and if I understood the situation right, then he's bloody well using you.'

Remus's expression hardened as his smile fell. 'Then I'm sorry to say, Lily that you haven't understood at all.'

'Haven't I?' Lily challenged and drew back a little when she saw the colour of Remus's eyes change from soothing amber to a fiery gold. 'He's hurting you, Remus, and you're letting him because you're too blinded by your ridiculous notions of love to see through him.'

Remus removed his hand from Lily's ever tightening grip. 'I think I should be the judge of his character, especially since I've actually taken the time to get to know him.'

'He's ruining you, Remus! Look at you - ever since you've come back, you've started smoking, you've given up your prefect badge-'

'Those are decisions of my own and has nothing to do with him,' interrupted Remus. 'I  _am_  capable of free thought.'

Lily shook her head dejectedly. 'I'm trying to help you here, Remus. Why the hell can't you understand that?'

There was a sudden gust of wind and Remus's hair blew into his eyes, covering any emotion he felt. 'People make mistakes, Lily, it doesn't give you a right to judge them.'

Lily snorted sardonically. 'He's a Black, Remus, and rebel or not, in the end he will treat you the exact same way. You forgive him now, and he's going to do it again and again until finally, he has you broken and at his feet.'

Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes, leaning dangerously close to her. There was a passion in those amber orbs that bordered very close insanity. 'I'll tell you something I learnt this summer, Lily, and I want you to listen and think it over, because it just might determine your whole life. Don't let your pride get in the way of better judgment.' His eyes shifted towards James's bed and then back at her, making sure she'd understood the double meaning to his words. 'It might feel like the right thing to do now, but you'll regret it later.'

'Remus, I-'

Lily was cut off mid protest when the door banged open, and Sirius entered, practically bouncing into the room with barely contained enthusiasm.

'Moony, you won't believe what Prongs and I-' he stopped when he caught sight of Lily, sitting close to Remus in what looked like an intimate discussion. 'Hello, Evans,' he said stiffly. He didn't even try to conceal the hatred he felt for her.

Lily didn't really blame him. If someone ditched her best friend as much as she did James, she'd be spiteful of them too. Besides, the hatred was quite mutual. 'Black,' she strained to keep her tone civil, if only for Remus.

Sirius came up beside Remus and put an around his shoulders. To a normal observer, it would have looked like a casual gesture, but Lily could tell that Sirius was branding Remus as his in front of her. 'Whatcha doing, Moony?' he asked playfully, tactfully ignoring her.

Lily watched as Remus's posture changed completely from furious to love struck. That slow smile was back and the expression in his eyes as he looked at Sirius was enough indication to exactly how he felt; and maybe it was her imagination, but she thought she saw a reflection of that very look in Sirius's eyes as well.

'Just talking,' said Remus simply.

Sirius smiled back, and Lily noticed his hand twitching slightly, wanting to make its touches more intimate and only restraining so. 'Hm…well, me and others are going down to the lake, and Prongs asked me to drag you along, irrespective of what you say.' He glared at Lily at the mention of  _Prongs_. 'So, do I have to carry you there or are you going to come willingly?'

Remus looked at Lily. 'You don't mind, do you? I've been gone for two weeks, and I'd like to spend time with the guys a bit.'

Sirius's chest puffed up at that, and he looked at her mockingly.

'No, it's okay. I have work to complete anyway.' Lily kissed him lightly on the cheek before getting up. 'Take care, is all I'm saying.'

'I will,' whispered Remus.

And as Lily walked out the dormitory, she heard an enraged yell and what sounded very much like Sirius screaming,  _what the fuck did she kiss you for?_  and  _I don't care if she's your_ _ **friend**_. She smiled mischievously. Perhaps, Remus had been right, and she'd been too quick to judge. Still, that didn't mean she couldn't keep an eye on him.

* * *

 

Sirius lay on his bed, staring up into the heavy drapes and watching as the fabric folded and blew in rhythm with the gentle night breeze. It looked ethereal as different shades of moonlight played across the smooth velvet.

It was quiet, too quiet, thought Sirius. There was the occasional whistling of the wind and Peter's incessant tossing and turning but there was something missing; a silence that he was yet to get accustomed to, despite Remus's absence for almost two weeks.

The Marauders had been fooling around all day and by evening, they had all been exhausted. James had volunteered to nick food from the kitchens, while the rest of them had collapsed into their respective beds. But, here was Sirius, wide awake. James was yet to come back, and Remus had obviously disappeared off somewhere.

He slowly stretched his legs, groaning and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his right hand. Already, he was remembering Remus's face, every line, every crease, those expressive amber eyes, his smooth cheeks, and those lovely parted lips. This happened even more often ever since Remus came back to school. Sirius would hardly get up and his mind would start supplying him with images of the werewolf, leaving him with an insane urge to just  _see_  the object of his visions.

Carefully getting up from his bed, Sirius crept quietly to the door and made his way down the staircase. He leaned against the wall, hiding behind the shadows, wanting to catch the werewolf off guard just once. He found Remus sitting on one of the study tables, clad only in his pyjama bottoms and eyes concentrating on the text below him. Remus had been pulling all-nighters for quiet a while now, especially since he still had a lot of catching up to do. He had a perfect grade to maintain after all.

Sirius's bare feet made no noise against the plush red carpet as he walked to stand behind Remus. He also knew that his friend had sensed his presence a long time ago by the way he had stopped breathing just for a second.

'Hey,' Sirius said softly, slowly gathering up Remus's long brown hair in his fist to make a tiny ponytail. 'You sleepy yet?'

Remus shook his head. 'Still have potions to complete.'

Sirius's hands move down to his shoulder, trying to soothe away the anxiety. 'Take a break. Sit with me?'

Remus frowned a little but nodded anyway. He got up and followed Sirius on the couch, stretching his legs in front of him so that the black haired boy could take his usual spot on his stomach.

'You work too hard, Moony,' said Sirius, snuggling into him.

'Hm…' Remus tangled his fingers into his thick black hair.

'I still don't understand why you had to give up on being a prefect…' Sirius continued, randomly trying to fill the silence between them. ''S got nothing to do with your studies and me and James aren't that bad; I mean, you really enjoyed the job and all.'

'No, I didn't, and I needed time to catch up with everything I missed…' said Remus, closing his eyes and leaning against the armrest.

Sirius looked up at him uncertainly. 'It's not because of me, is it, Moony, 'cause I don't think that's a good reason at all. You make a brilliant prefect, and I think you should go on with it.'

'Not everything's about you, Padfoot.'

Sirius's arms tightened around Remus's waist. 'Alright.' They sat there in silence for a long time; Remus's breathing slowly evening out and the hand that had been petting Sirius's hair coming to a still. Sirius didn't want to disturb him, but there was something else he wanted to ask the werewolf, something he'd only got the courage to ask now. 'Moony…' He bit his lip. 'Do you trust me?'

Remus who had been drifting off slightly, managed to understand the question and think through it even through his sleep filled haze. 'I'm not sure, Padfoot.' He shifted to get himself more comfortable. 'I trust your intent…but not your actions…does that make sense?'

It did, to a certain extent, and it hurt somewhat to know that Remus didn't trust him completely, even though he deserved it. 'I'll make things better, Moony, I promise,' he whispered, sitting up. 'I'll do everything I can to get you to trust me again.'

Whether Remus had heard his resolution or not, Sirius couldn't tell, because the portrait hole had creaked open then to reveal James with an armful of treats and a grin so wide that it threatened to fall off his face.

'You will not believe what happened,' he said excitedly, sitting down beside Sirius and handing him a large cauldron cake. He was about to throw one over to Remus when he noticed that the werewolf was already fast asleep.

Sirius bit into the cake. 'One of the house elves asked you to marry them?'

'Oh, ha, ha, real funny, but nothing can dampen my mood today. Do you know why, Padfoot ol' pal? Because Lily Evans, the most gorgeous girl in school, came up to me, James Potter, while I was walking back here and asked if I could help her out in Charms.' He sighed, sliding off the couch and resting his head on Remus's legs. 'She's so falling for me.'

Well, that was certainly a surprise. Perhaps that bint had finally come to her senses. 'I wonder how that happened,' he said, sliding down beside James and mimicking his position.

Remus let out a loud snore and they both looked at each other, smiling. 'I wonder.'

* * *

 


	22. Confusions and Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Platform 9 ¾…** _

'Are you guys sure you haven't seen my dad?' asked Remus for the umpteenth time, as he peered through the bustling crowds on his tiptoes.

James and Sirius bought him down to the soles of his feet by his shoulders. 'Cut your old man some slack, eh? You've only been waiting for ten minutes,' said James, ruffling his hair. 'My parents haven't come either, you know.'

'Yeah, but your dad's always late. Even Wormtail's mum came quicker and that never happens…ever,' replied Remus worriedly.

He wasn't the anxious type, he really wasn't, but John Lupin was never a minute late to pick him up from the station. Remus had been borrowing the Daily Prophet from James for quite a while now and the obituaries were starting to take more of the paper than ever while the rest of it was reserved to cover Voldemort's attacks alone. To add effect to reality, Remus had watched the children of the victims being taken out of school to attend funerals, all the while praying for his own family because his parents were in much more danger than his friends'; his mother was a muggle.

'He'll be here,' said Sirius reassuringly and there was something in his eyes that told Remus that he believed it but it was gone quicker than it had come, replaced by his usual mirth. 'Besides, don't know what you're complaining about. Summers are dull, especially this one.' He frowned darkly.

'Ignore him, Moony,' smirked James, patting his back. 'He's just sore that I'm dragging him over to visit Gran this summer.'

Remus frowned, still keeping an eye on gates to the platform. 'I met your Gran. She was nice enough if you ask me.'

'She hates me,' wailed Sirius. 'The old bat gives me these awful looks all the time and just begging for an opportunity to humiliate me. I'm telling you, it's that Black-Potter rivalry thing that has her against me.'

'Padfoot,' said Remus exasperatedly. 'You used her husband's ashes to fill the kitty litter. I'd say her hatred is justified.' He smiled when James sniggered. 'Besides, nothing can be as bad as staying over at-' Remus's eyes widened when he noticed a very familiar figure emerging from the gates. 'AUNT NASH!'

She'd spotted him.  _Oh God, she'd spotted him!_

'Remoo!' Her blonde hair whipped in the wind menacingly and that smile; oh, it meant trouble. What could she be planning now; experiments with make-up, shoe shopping, or worse, stuffing Remus with badly baked homemade cookies? No, no, Remus was sixteen now; she couldn't do this to him. This was all his mother's plan, he knew it!

'What's she doing here?' He turned to his friends who were wearing identical amused expressions. They'd all heard stories about Aunt Nash, but Remus's reaction was priceless. 'Quick, hide me!'

Remus never did get the chance of survival because he was too busy being swamped by over tight hugs and waxy lipstick kisses on both cheeks. 'Guess who came to pick you up today,' she sang chirpily.

Remus groaned and wiped his cheek. He turned to James and Sirius, who were biting the corners of their mouths to stop themselves from laughing out loud. 'Aunt Nash, these are my friends, James and Sirius.'

'Pleasure to meet you,' both of them chorused. 'Remus has told us so much about you,' grinned James.

'Well, what darling little friends you have, Remoo!' she exclaimed, pinching both of their cheeks, much to the surprise of James and Sirius. 'I'd love to stay and chat, but we have to go see John. You can apparate, can't you?' she asked, turning to Remus, slightly more serious. When he nodded, she smiled. 'Good. We'll have to walk a bit to find a safe spot.'

Remus nodded dumbly and followed his aunt towards the gates, waving his friends goodbye. 'Aunt Nash, where's dad?'

Nash's lip tightened. 'St. Mungo's, I'm afraid. Don't worry,' she said, quickly smiling when she saw Remus's face. 'It's nothing serious; minor back injury. He got off better than a few of the others.'

Remus felt the slight pull of magic as they walked through the barriers and into the centre of platforms nine and ten. 'How?'

Aunt Nash turned to him, surprised. 'Didn't your parents tell you, Remus? John's been shifted to Magical Law and Enforcement. He's got back his auror position.'

Remus's eyes widened. That was big news; he knew how much being an auror had meant to his father. Remus was happy for him in some ways, but… 'Why?' asked Remus, feeling slightly confused and perhaps a little selfish.

'New strategy, I suppose. Ministry doesn't have enough aurors to counter Voldemort's attacks. They've been shifting people from all departments into DMLE,' she said, frowning and taking a turn to the left. 'Even the ones responsible for irrigation. If that's not enough, they've been running house to house with flyers and leaflets, practically forcing anyone above the age of seventeen into the fields. Disgusting, but what else can you do?'

Remus wrinkled his nose at the putrid smell of garbage. 'Does that mean that they'll-'

'Come to you as well?' She turned to him kindly and tucked his hair behind his ear. 'I'm sorry, Remoo, but you're still high on the list of suspects as Death Eaters, along with the purebloods. The Ministry's desperate, but they can't afford to take chances either.'

Remus's face fell. He had been hoping… 'But then dad-'

Nash snorted derisively, as she started walking again down some windy pathway. 'John's in the Order, isn't he?' Remus had never seen his aunt this serious. He knew she was a smart woman; her degree in Magical Law proved that, but she had never really treated him like a grown up before. 'The Ministry's been trying to merge the Order as part of it for ages - to keep track of their work and gather information. If I didn't know better, I'd say they were against us.' She stopped at dead end near a moldy corner. 'You know which ward to apparate to.'

Remus nodded and closed his eyes, concentrating hard. The familiar sensation of the life being squeezed out of him gripped his body and with a soft 'pop', he found himself in St. Mungo's, stumbling over both his feet. His aunt caught him just before he fell to the floor, and he grinned, embarrassed. Apparating was still new to him.

Suddenly, a loud, booming voice echoed across the corridors, shaking both of them out of their skin. It must have originated from the room two doors to their left (if Remus's hearing did any justice) and sounded incredibly familiar too: 'DON'T YOU DARE BRING THAT THING NEAR ME!'

'Guess I won't have to tell you where your dad is,' chuckled Aunt Nash. 'Look, I'm going to go pick your mother up now, okay? She's probably sick with worry. Can you handle your father for a while?' When Remus nodded, she kissed him on the forehead and smiled. 'And then we can spend some time together, eh, Remoo?' She ruffled his hair and disapparated.

'I'M PERFECTLY FINE, I TELL YOU!'

Remus knocked on Door Five and entered to find two healers, struggling and failing to hold his father down on the bed. He shook his head exasperatedly. These healers must have been new, else they would have brought an entire battalion or at least stunned John Lupin while they still had the chance. In fact, if they'd been wise enough, they would have stayed well out of range until they were sure his father was knocked out completely. One of them was already sporting a split lip.

'LET ME GO!'

'Hey, dad,' greeted Remus softly, standing beside his father's bed and shooting a reassuring look towards the healers.

John Lupin stopped struggling and grinned. 'Hello, Remus, come to see your crippled father, have you?'

'Yeah,' said Remus, smirking a little and embracing his father.

John Lupin patted his son's back. 'Good to see you, boy - and don't think I can't see you,' he snarled suddenly at the healers. 'Trying to stab a man with needles while he's having a moment with his son. Absolutely dishonourable.'

The healers looked at Remus exasperatedly and he sighed, tightening his hold on his father's chest and effectively holding him still, if only for a moment. Thank God, for his werewolf strength. 'Sorry, dad,' he whispered before signaling the hesitant healers to give John the shot.

John growled angrily but otherwise, didn't complain. 'Bloody, traitorous son,' he grumbled once the healers had fled from the room, shooting thankful glances towards Remus. 'Don't even know why I have to get those useless shots.' He rubbed his spine disdainfully and leaned back into his pillow. 'Those damn potions do more harm than good. That was the tenth sort they punched into me. Won't work if I swallow them apparently. Been sore all day.'

Remus shrugged. 'You should have been more careful then.'

His father snorted. 'You're starting to sound just like your mother, you know that? Besides, I had a job to do.'

Remus didn't know why he felt this angry with his father, but he felt the need to express this newfound rage anyway. 'It wouldn't have mattered if you'd gotten the job done and died in the process!' He screamed suddenly, hands flying up.

John laughed loudly. 'Would have taken more than a few Death Eaters to kill me! You should have seen me, Remus, had them by their ankles, I did!'

Remus recognised this tone. It was the same one John used to talk in during his elaborate story sessions with his son, where he would describe his various auror escapades. At that time, Remus thought it was the most exciting thing he'd ever heard but back then, his father hadn't actually been standing in the middle of the battlefield; back then, someone like Voldemort hadn't existed.

John Lupin frowned at his son's disapproving look. 'Look, Remus, sometimes accidents happen-'

'This wasn't an accident, dad. You don't know what Voldemort is capable of. He's-he's…' Remus remembered his first meeting with the mysterious red-eyed man, and shivered. 'Evil,' he finished slowly.

John Lupin sighed and ran a hand through his son's hair, pushing it out of his eyes. 'I know what you're thinking, Remus, and I'm sorry I can't promise you that it won't happen. But right now, there are other things to worry about than our own stinking skin. Do you understand that?'

Remus did, but he refused to acknowledge it.

'The present might look helpless now, but if we keep fighting for what we believe in, someday, we might just have a future.' He sighed when he saw Remus looking down, obviously still in denial. 'We can worry about this later, okay?'

Remus didn't want to have to worry about it at all. He hated it; hated the anxiousness he felt every time he turned the pages of the Daily Prophet; hated how his father had to fight merely over the fact that they  _existed_  - just because John had fallen in love with his mother. More than anything, he wished Voldemort would just shrivel up and die.

John shifted sideways, wincing a little in pain and patted the space on his side for Remus to sit. 'Come here and tell this old codger of yours what you've been doing at school. I miss Hogwarts,' he said, smiling.

Remus hated how brave his father was…

* * *

 

Remus sat on the edge of his parents' bed, shivering slightly. The cupboard mirrors behind him reflected the moonlight in an eerie pattern around the room, and he briefly wondered how he'd find it more comforting to sleep here during his younger years. 'Dad,' he whispered, shaking his father's ankle. 'Dad, wake up.'

John grunted, twisted, turned, and fell back to sleep again.

'Dad, come on, get up.'

'Remus, be a good boy and go play with your toys,' mumbled his father into the pillow. 'Daddy's busy.'

'Dad!' Remus shook harder this time.

John Lupin shot awake, eyes wide open and hand already reaching out for his wand. When he saw his son, however, he relaxed and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. He noticed that his sudden movement had woken up his wife as well and glanced at her apologetically.

'What is it, baby?' asked Del, slowly sitting up and turning on the bedside lamp. 'Did you have a nightmare?'

Ordinarily, Remus would have made a sarcastic comment about how he was too old to come running to his mommy after a bad dream but resisted. His mind was too preoccupied with…he'd been thinking very hard…and-

'I needed to talk to dad,' whispered Remus, fingering the edge of their blanket.

His father groaned and fell back to the pillow. 'Remus, we can do that tomorrow as well. Go back to sleep.'

'No,' said Remus petulantly. 'Now, I want to talk now.'

John sighed and sat up, rubbing his face irritably. 'Teenagers. Go on then,' he said, waving his hand exasperatedly.

Remus took a deep breath. He'd decided this; spent nearly a month thinking about it. There wasn't supposed to be any hesitation; he was going to do this even if his father said no. 'I want to join the Order,' he said finally, though his tone came out less firm than he'd hoped.

There was silence for a while, as John Lupin just blinked and scratched his head. But when the answer did come, it was from Del instead. 'No.' Her expression was firm, the sharp lines on her face prominent through the yellow of the lamp.

Remus gaped and John simply blinked some more.

'You can join the Order if you want, Remus,' his father said finally, yawning a little. 'But you have to know that there are a lot of responsibilities and d-'

'I know,' hurried Remus. 'I've given this a lot of thought and-'

'Didn't any of you hear me?' ground out Del, completely furious now. 'I said, no.'

John turned to her, frowning. 'You should be proud-'

'Well, I'm not,' she snapped back. 'I don't think my son volunteering to go get himself killed is admirable, thank you very much.'

Remus had never seen his mother this angry before, and he shifted closer to her, trying to calm her down. He looked at her for an explanation, confused. Yet inwardly, he'd already made up his mind. He was joining the Order, even if it meant he had to run away from home to do so.

'I'm tired of waiting for you, John. Every single day, I nearly cry myself with worry while you go around waving that wand of yours.' She held her head in her hands. 'I hate having to go to the hospital every time because more often than not, you come back with serious injuries. I hate it-'

'It's for a cause, Del,' John said, putting a comforting hand on her head.

Frankly, Remus didn't care about the cause. He had much more selfish reasons for joining the Order. He was doing this because he wanted to protect his friends and family, the rest of the world be damned.

'There is no cause!' shouted Del, pushing his hand off her. 'To me, it looks like a big chess game between Dumbledore and Voldemort with you as the pawn. You're just another expendable piece in their big game, can't you see that?' There were tears rolling down her cheeks now, and Remus held her hand tightly.

'If that's what it means to protect the people I care for, then so be it!' shot out John.

'The people you care about are already dying! I'm not sending my only son into this war of yours, John…he's just a baby…and what if- what if-'

'I'm not going to die, mum,' said Remus slowly, rubbing her hand with his thumb. 'But I need to do this, okay? I just – it's important.' He pleaded with his eyes, hoping she'd understand.

She turned away from her son and looked at her husband instead. 'John, please, you can't do this to me,' pleaded Del. 'I'm begging you, please don't do this…'

John bit his lip and looked at his wife, then at his son. 'Graduation,' he said finally, running a frustrated hand through his hair. 'We'll talk about this after graduation, not now…'

Remus was just about to protest when there was a sudden tap on the window. It was an owl - James's owl, to be precise. He got up and opened the window to let the ruffled bird in, but it preferred to stay outside and simply put its leg out. Remus untied the parchment and read.

_Moony,_

_Uncle Alphard's dead. Funeral's tomorrow, 11:00 in the morning, near the old graveyard._

_-Padfoot_

* * *

 

Sirius Black hated funerals with a passion. He hated wearing ridiculously shiny shoes and itchy dress robes, underneath which (due of his extreme stupidity), he'd worn a pair jeans and a t-shirt; and it was the middle of a bloody sweltering hot summer. Most of his hair stuck to the side of his face, and there were constant beads of sweat running down his back that did nothing to soothe his already irritated skin. The chairs were hard, the priest talked too much, and even though Sirius was hungry, the grass looked more appetizing than the food on the table.

To make thing worse, he didn't know half the people here and quite a few of them were crying, which made him feel slightly uncomfortable. He didn't blame any of them of course. From what he'd heard, Uncle Alphard had been an incredibly nice man and it was still hard to believe he'd died this quickly. Sirius had expected to at least see him once after graduating. In fact, he'd even made plans during his time in James's house to perhaps pay a visit to his uncle.

He glanced at all the people comforting each other and suddenly felt very lonely; secretly wishing he had someone he knew with him. James wasn't allowed here and even though he had sent letters to both Remus and Peter, none of them had showed up so far and probably wouldn't since the funeral was nearly over anyway. The woman behind him wept loudly and Sirius flinched. Even after six years, he never got rid of the Black family trait of despising theatrical displays of emotion in public.

So, instead, he sat down on his seat firmly and quietly, listening to priest ramble on about how great his uncle was, as his hand occasionally strayed to the key in his pocket. The key to Alphard Black's vault - he was rich, he realised - and good thing too, because the Potters (bless their souls) were starting to pay for most of things now.

'Sirius.'

Sirius startled. He had to admit, he hadn't expected the new voice beside him, but he'd recognised it just the same. It was hard not to. 'Father,' Sirius acknowledged without looking away. He had no intention of seeing the part of his life that had abandoned him in his time of need.

'How are you?' Orion Black asked slowly.

Sirius snorted derisively. 'Why do you care?' When he didn't receive an answer, Sirius looked up and wasn't at all surprised to see the age-old expression of superiority and disdain on his father's face. Orion Black may have grown older, looked wearier, greyer, but he still carried the family name with pride. 'Why are you here, Father?'

Orion Black's eyes raked over his son's form, inspecting every angle. 'I've come here to pay my respects,' he said, finally looking away.

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'You've come here to see if Uncle Alphard left you any gold.'

Orion Black's smouldering grey eyes turned to him fiercely. 'Contrary to popular belief, Sirius, I am here for Alphard. Whether I approved of him or not, he was my brother, and I had a duty towards him, just as you do yours.'

Sirius said nothing; and for that single second, as they stared into each other's faces with adamant expressions, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he understood his father. It wasn't that Orion Black didn't care, nor was it that he enjoyed the rules he lived by; but to him - pride, name, and duty overshadowed any sort of inhibitions he might have had about the Black way of life. It was just how he'd been cultured and had Sirius not been put into Gryffindor, he would have ended up a mirror image of his father.

'Regulus will be joining the Death Eaters soon,' said his father, pursing his lips together firmly.

'You must be proud,' said Sirius sarcastically. He shouldn't care, he shouldn't even be surprised, but then why was his throat constricting so?

Orion Black sighed heavily and not so subtly, changed the topic. 'You might think what you're doing now is right, Sirius, but you'll soon find out that you are nothing but a burden to these people you call friends. It's time you stopped this foolishness and came back home to where your true family is.'

Sirius looked back to the priest, who by now had finished his speech, and was preparing to leave. 'I  _am_  home, Father, as in my opinion, sharing blood doesn't necessarily reassure one of family ties.'

His father's fist twitched involuntarily. 'I assumed you'd say that and as you are no longer under my custody, I cannot force you against your will. But I say this, Sirius, you may stay wherever you please, but at least do the right thing and join the Death Eaters as Regulus has done.'

'No,' said Sirius immediately. The audacity of his father to even consider-

When Orion Black spoke next, his voice held extreme irritation. 'I'm dying, Sirius, do you understand that?' His right leg crossed over his left. 'Your mother has Kreacher whispering poison into her ears, and your brother will be alone with her. The Death Eaters are his sole salvation, but he is still a child, unless you stand by him…for once.'

Sirius felt a sharp twang in his chest. His father was dying? It was like his whole life had taken a turn against him in that one small moment. 'I can't side with Voldemort, Father,' he said, shaking his head and silently cursing his voice for cracking. 'It's against my principles. It's wrong.'

His father laughed, harsh and cruel. 'What's right and what's wrong, who can truly tell? It's, as you have pointed out, merely a matter of principles.' He stood from his seat and straightened his robes. 'I leave you here today, Sirius. It's clear my words are worthless to you, but I go with one last warning. There will come a time when Regulus will be asked to murder you. Who do you think he will choose – the brother who was never there in his time of need or the Dark Lord who was?'

Orion Black left before Sirius got the chance to reply.

After that, Sirius wasn't sure how long he sat there on that bendy plastic chair, his head in his hands, as he tried to fight back tears of frustration. His father's words weighed heavy on his mind, and he wondered if Orion Black had been right. Just how long did his father have to live, and how much did Regulus need him?

He couldn't think, couldn't breathe as he tried and failed to figure out what he was supposed to do. Which way was right? He couldn't let his family fall apart like this no matter how much he hated them; and Regulus, his little brother - Sirius couldn't just let him plunge into the dark side, his guilty conscious didn't allow it. Blood was rushing to his head like a dam finally broken, pounding furiously and trying to break the walls of his skull. Sirius breathed heavily and dug his nails painfully into his scalp to just stop.  _P_ _lease stop_.

It wasn't until he felt a hand on his shoulder was Sirius finally able to look up. Remus was sitting beside him, a concerned look on his face. 'Hey, you okay?'

Sirius smiled weakly. 'Yeah, Uncle Alphard wasn't too close anyway. Only saw him twice my entire life, you know,' he tried nonchalantly.

His eyes must have betrayed him because Remus frowned at Sirius's explanation. It looked like he was about to protest but then settled for that quiet, serene smile that he usually reserved for the Marauders alone. 'Where's Wormtail and Prongs?'

Sirius wiped the sweat collecting above his brows. 'Wormtail's still in Scotland, and the Potters have been banned from all Black family gatherings ever since one of them launched dung bombs in a wedding and ran away with the groom.'

Remus laughed and Sirius felt an odd tingle up his spine. He diverted his eyes from Remus's face and noticed that his friend was wearing the oddest collection of clothes – an overly large brown coat (John Lupin's?) over a pair of denim jeans and sneakers; he either hadn't bothered wearing a shirt underneath or had taken it off at some point because of the heat. It would probably be the latter because Remus usually wasn't the type to sport ridiculous outfits, and Sirius remembered how his werewolf body tended to be warmer than others; something about the metabolism perhaps. In any case, Remus looked much worse off than Sirius…

'Sorry I'm late. Got caught up in traffic. How are you going home?' asked Remus, tightening his hold a little on Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius looked at his hands. Home - he was beginning to truly question the word. Was he really that much of a burden to the Potters? 'Apparating, I guess.'

Remus didn't miss the look in Sirius's eyes but again, he chose not to pursue it. Instead he looked around and when he found the grounds to be practically empty (save for the hosts and a few other preoccupied people), he let his hand travel to the base of Sirius's hair and stroked soothingly. 'Do you want to go for a drive? Take your mind of things…'

The prospect seemed enticing, especially when Remus's fingers were doing such a great job at rubbing away the tension he felt. 'Where to?' he asked, leaning further into his friend's touch, too miserable to care if anyone saw. No one knew him here anyway.

Remus's deft fingers instantly slipped away when he noticed a few people walking in their direction, and Sirius suddenly felt at loss. 'Away from here.'

* * *

 

This felt good, thought Sirius, as he sighed into the seat. Riding in Remus's car was like walking through the soft breeze on the beachside – smooth and comforting. He could feel himself dozing off, the effects of the muggle soda (as delicious as it was) slowly wearing off and making him even drowsier. Even the songs that had been blaring on the radio seemed almost far away and all Sirius could really remember of them now was how shocked he was to find Remus singing each one word for word, especially the songs by the  _amazing Freddie Mercury_  (hmph! Sirius could be amazing if he wanted to. In fact, he already was). The harsh wind mussed his hair, but none of them could be bothered to pull up the windows, especially not when the air conditioning in the car was doing more harm than good (a common trait of a Mercedes, Remus had concluded, while he helped Sirius recline his seat backwards).

But none of these contributed to the reasons he felt better. No, it was just something Remus did. Perhaps it was the small smiles or the subtle touches or maybe it was the fact that he was  _there;_ whatever it was, it left Sirius calmed and slightly more reassured than he'd started out.

Still, the long drive had given him a lot of time to think, and he knew that even though the Potters would argue against it, Sirius was slowly becoming a liability. He could avoid that now because by December, he would a man of his own - seventeen and very much legal. As for Regulus, Sirius wondered if he should ask Remus about it but cancelled the idea almost immediately. This was his problem after all and for once, he'd have to solve it himself.

A problem at a time, he reminded himself, as he reached out to wipe more sweat from his forehead. In fact, he could solve one right now.

Sirius sighed and opened his eyes, only to realise that Remus had already stopped the car. He just managed to register the fact that they were actually in an abandoned construction site before he found a warm weight straddling his stomach and a pair of lips crushing forcefully into his. Not at all unwelcome though, as Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around the body over him and pulled it closer.

'Sorry,' whispered Remus, breaking away and closing his eyes lazily. 'Just so bloody hot…'

Sirius had a cocky feeling that Remus wasn't talking about the temperature.  _Take that, Freddie._  He didn't get to dwell on the matter for very long though because suddenly, Remus's fingertips were leaving tingles on his skin everywhere it touched, and Remus's lips were placing the slightest of kisses down his jaw before relenting to hot open mouthed ones over his neck and shoulders. Sirius wasn't exactly sure which sort of heat he was feeling, but he was bloody burning to ashes.

'Moony,' gasped Sirius, attempting feebly to push Remus off. It wasn't that his advances weren't welcome, but Sirius still had a few things on his mind that he wanted cleared, and he needed to talk to Remus for that.

'What?' Remus's voice was hoarse as he trailed an insistent mouth down his chest.

'I needed to ask you something,' said Sirius burying his fingers deep in soft brown hair. 'Now.' He moaned, as Remus licked an incredibly sensitive area. 'Please…'

'Mm…go on,' responded Remus, obviously not paying much attention.

'It's just that…' Sirius rasped out. 'We've been doing this for almost a year…' He was finding it very hard to concentrate on his words with Remus's slick body sliding over his, and he turned them instead, so that he was on top. 'And…I still like this…'

'I know,' smirked Remus, cupping the crotch of his pants.

Sirius gasped. 'Can we stop?' he breathed reluctantly. 'Just for a minute.'

Remus sighed and nodded, briefly kissing his lips before sitting up. 'So, what's bothering you?' he asked casually, smiling and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Sirius watched the continuous trickle of sweat teasing Remus's skin, mesmerised slightly. He shook himself and shifted his eyes to meet curious amber ones. 'I was wondering…I'll be turning seventeen soon…and I'm rich and all now, thanks to Uncle Alphard…'

Remus leaned against him, folding his hands on top of Sirius's left shoulder and resting his head on them. 'Hm…and?' he asked, raising a sarcastic eyebrow.

Sirius smiled slyly, brushing away the hair that fell into Remus's eyes. 'And I've been thinking of getting a place of my own, sort of…so I was wondering if you'd like to move in…you know, after school and all…' The unwavering confidence he'd had so far dropped faster than a boulder in the sea when Sirius saw Remus's shocked face. The brunette had obviously not expected this, and Sirius quickly struggled to explain. 'It makes more sense really…I mean, expenses would be less…I could pay the rent and you could pay the bills…'

'Padfoot…'

'And at the rate Prongs and Lily are going…it's only a matter of time they get a place together…' Sirius's hands were now moving wildly now, enunciating every word. 'And Wormtail still has to take care of his mother, but he'd probably go off with what's her face anyway…and I don't want to be alone…and it won't look suspicious, really…and-'

Remus clamped a hand over Sirius's mouth, effectively shutting him up. 'Padfoot, I'd love to move in with you,' he said in between chuckles.

Sirius removed Remus's hand. 'Yeah?' he asked, a wide grin already spreading across his face.

Remus laughed. 'Yeah.'

Sirius jumped so high that he nearly pushed Remus over. 'You watch, Moony, it'll be so great. We could have a small little place, just you and me…maybe in…I don't know, Driffield or someplace.'

Remus leaned his forehead against Sirius's. 'Driffield?'

Sirius pulled him closer by the waist, eyes already shining with anticipation. 'Yeah…it'll be so great! We could watch the sunset during evenings…run in the fields…'

'Grow asparagus for a living…' continued Remus, mocking Sirius's dreamy expression.

Sirius slapped his arse playfully. 'Spoil the mood, will you? Here I was, trying to be all romantic.'

Remus faked indignance. 'Me? Spoil the mood? I was trying to seduce you into the best shag of your life, and you wanted to talk about how we could live in Driffield and adapt to the lives of Farmer John and Esmeralda.'

Sirius frowned for a long time, and Remus wondered briefly what he was thinking so hard over.

Finally, he spoke. 'So, who's going to be Esmeralda?'

Sirius never really got his answer, because Remus decided right then, that it would be much wiser to just continue what he'd started, thank you very much.

* * *

 


	23. Conflict of Interests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Seventh Year, Hogwarts…** _

Sirius lathered his hands with soap, sighing in frustration despite the cool water running between his fingers. First day of school and already they were being weighed down with homework; and if things weren't bad enough already, they had double Potions with the Slytherins next period. Pranks were completely out of the question because both James and Remus seemed to be taking their N.E. a little too seriously, and Peter wasn't going to be much help alone. Sirius could just about see what a fun year this was going to be. Great, just fucking great.

He cringed a little when the door to the loo creaked open noisily but couldn't really be bothered to see who it was. At least not until he'd heard that familiar voice – the same oily tone that made ever muscle in his body tense and his blood boil. He didn't even have to turn around to see that bastard. A little adjustment of the eyes, and he could see Severus Snape clearly in the mirror beside him. And he wasn't alone. The son of a bitch wasn't alone;  _Regulus_  was with him, and they were talking - not too friendly but far from hostile.

Suppressing the sudden bout of anger bubbling inside of him, Sirius watched Snape leave with a courteous nod goodbye and an unmistakable grin. Regulus smiled maliciously as the door creaked close and even though Sirius hadn't been able to hear a word of their exchange, he could tell exactly what it was all about.

_How dare he? My brother! He's fucking with my brother's mind, my brother's life!_

Sirius took a deep breath, concentrating on the footsteps coming closer. 'I don't want you talking to Snape,' he said finally, glancing at the stream of water still flowing over his hands. His voice was surprisingly stable given his pent up rage.

Regulus startled, only noticing Sirius's presence. His face immediately contorted with revulsion. 'You.'

Sirius turned off the tap but didn't bother looking up. 'Don't listen to the poison he feeds you.' He grabbed a paper towel from the rack and wiped his hands dry. 'Keep clear of him and any other  _friends_  that he's made.'

'And who are you to tell me what to and what not to do?' Regulus sneered.

Sirius met Regulus's eyes through the mirror, the fury he felt burning red in his eyes. 'I'm your fucking brother, that's who!'

'Wrong, Sirius! You  _were_  my brother! Now you're just another street rat, invisible and unworthy!' spat Regulus.

Sirius snorted disdainfully. 'Unworthy of what? The family name? Oh, the unimaginable misery!' he spat. 'You keep away from Snape.'

'You chose your family, Sirius,' whispered Regulus coldly, but there was a definite break in his voice. 'You chose your side. Now it's my turn, so stay out of what doesn't concern you.'

Sirius raised his hands above his head, exasperated. 'I'm only trying to help you, Regulus. You don't know what you're getting yourself into. Snape…he's-'

'Helping me out,' finished Regulus, turning away.

Sirius grabbed his brother's shoulders, forcing him to turn. 'By getting you killed? Fat load of good that's going to do you!' His grip tightened painfully. 'You listen to me, Regulus, I know what you're doing and I'll tell you this - joining the Death Eaters might hold you high in Mother's eyes but that doesn't make it right!'

'Oh, and you abandoning you family is?' argued Regulus, struggling against Sirius's hold.

Sirius shook him violently. 'This isn't about me! This is about your utter lack of common sense and-'

Regulus finally pushed him away. 'You don't know anything, and you've never tried to understand anything either. There's no right. There's no wrong. There's only power and the people who can give it to you.' The last part sounded memorised, almost alien coming from Regulus's mouth.

Sirius laughed without humour. 'How daft can you get? They're going to ask you to kill innocent people. Men, women, wizard, muggle – it doesn't matter. What will you do then, o' mighty heir of the Black throne, pride and joy of Walburga Black? Will you murder them? Will you take responsibility for their wasted lives, hm?'

'Shut up.'

Sirius ignored him, a cruel smile still fixed on his lips. 'Know what else? If you fail, baby brother, it'll be your neck under Voldermort's wand and your blood in his hands…'

Regulus put both hands over his ears. 'Shut up, shut up, shut up!'

Sirius's expression softened, and he took both of Regulus's hands in his, squeezing tightly before letting go. 'Look.' Sirius bit his lip and nodded mentally. It was the perfect solution to all his problems. 'You can live with me, alright?'

Regulus rolled his eyes. 'Yeah, su-'

'Will you just shut up and listen to me for a moment?' Sirius ran a determined hand through his hair, rushing the next part of his explanation. 'Uncle Alphard left me a decent bit of gold this summer, and I'll be getting a place of my own soon as I graduate this year. So, after father dies, you can-'

Regulus spiteful laughter interrupted him mid sentence. 'You really do live in another world, don't you, brother?' When he saw Sirius's bewildered expression, his smile grew wider. 'What, didn't anyone tell you? Father died last month; he retched all over mother's clean silk sheets until he hadn't had a drop of fluid in his body left to spare.' If Regulus felt any sorrow over Orion Black's death, it was masked artfully. 'Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to take care of.'

Regulus left Sirius staring at his reflection on the white marble floor, unsure of whether he was to cry or scream or simply fall to the ground, waiting and praying for someone to come and say-

* * *

 

'Wake up, Padfoot. Breakfast finishes in half an hour.' Remus shook Sirius by the shoulder while finger combing his own wet hair with the other hand.

Remus smiled as Sirius groaned and pulled the sheets above his head. 'Go away, Moony, it's too early to be awake.' Sometimes he could be so cute.

Remus tugged the sheets down, exposing Sirius's half naked body to the cold morning air. 'Come on, sleepy,' he said, shaking his head and deliberately spraying Sirius with water. 'We have Transfiguration first period and unless you want detention, you'd better get up.'

Sirius shivered and sat up grumpily. 'Stupid McGoogly, with her homework, and her orders, and the piles of study material. She can just go flush herself down the toilet.'

Remus laughed, kissing Sirius lightly on the forehead. 'Aren't we in a temper today.'

'Not we,' muttered Sirius, pouting even more. ' _Me_. Can't you just tell her I'm sick, Moony?' he pleaded, looking at Remus with large eyes.

Remus's expression was a mixture of amusement and exasperation as he handed Sirius his towel and uniform. 'Prongs is out of the showers, so you'll have one stall free. Mind you, it's the right one, so don't go into barging into Wormtail's like last time.'

''S not like I  _wanted_  to see him starkers,' replied Sirius moodily as he shoved the curtains around his bed, squinting at the sudden burst of light. 'The boy keeps forgetting to use the bloody lock.'

'And still, you're the only one who's walked in on him. Thrice, may I add,' came James's voice from the other end of the room

'No one's talking to you, Potter.'

James snorted and Remus smiled tolerantly. 'We'll wait up for you, Padfoot.'

Remus quietly watched Sirius leave, patiently waiting until he'd heard the lock to the bathroom click shut before turning to the other boy in the room. It wasn't that James was completely oblivious to Remus's stares, but he chose to ignore it anyway, concentrating on finding a matching pair of socks instead. He'd felt the sudden shift in atmosphere the minute Sirius had walked out of the room and the dread that followed was clear indication that he was not going to enjoy this particular conversation.

'Prongs…James?' Remus's voice was hesitant, nervous.

'Hm?' James tried to sound casual, but there was something in Remus's tone that aroused concern within him.

'Do you think there's something wrong with Sirius?'

This was exactly the sort of topic James had wanted to avoid. 'What, apart from his mental instability?' he tried with a false chuckle.

Remus walked to his friend's bed and sat down at the edge. He seemed genuinely troubled. 'It's just that…he's been acting sort of…normal ever since he came back.'

James frowned. 'I'm not sure I get what you're trying to say.'

Remus bit his lip, obviously trying to find the words to explain things better. 'It's like he hasn't changed…I mean, he still acts the same way, and-'

James shook his head in confusion. 'Wait, let me get this straight. You're worried because Sirius is being himself?'

'You make it sound really stupid, you know,' replied Remus bitterly.

'That's the way it sounds to me as well, Remus.'

Remus looked up at the ceiling, but his eyes were glazed over as if he were looking far back in his mind. 'His father just died, James, and you know how Sirius gets about his family. But so far, there hasn't been any acknowledgment…any tantrums or screaming…no tears…it's almost as if he doesn't know.'

James looked down at his feet. 'Maybe he doesn't?'

Remus shook his head. 'That's ridiculous. Orion Black's death was argued over for nearly two weeks. It was all over the media.'

James looked at him curiously. 'What did it say?'

Remus frowned, running a hand over his temple. 'Orion Black was more than just another name in the family, you know. They say he was something short of a genius. The man could literally  _create_  magic, some with lethal consequences. So now, Barty Crouch is fighting for the legal rights to use them against Death Eaters.' Remus shivered as he said this, remembering how his father had said that if anything, it was probably one of those curses that had bought an early death to the eldest Black.

'But that would be going overboard!' exclaimed James suddenly. 'There'd be no difference between us and them.'

It was exactly what John Lupin had said. 'That's not all. There's war going on within the family over inheritance…a lot of them are claiming that Mrs. Black's too unstable to inherit anything…spends half her time with that horrid house elf…and Regulus is a year short of being legal enough to get anything. It was second page news for quite a while. Impossible to miss.' Remus turned to James and caught his guilty expression. 'Unless you-'

'Yeah, maybe I did,' cut in James defiantly. 'I unsubscribed from the  _Daily Prophet_  the minute Black's death made front page headlines. Been trying to hide it from him all summer…a right job, I'll tell you that. I never realised how inquisitive Padfoot was before.'

Remus's eyes widened. 'What the hell, James? You can't just do that! Do you how devastated he will be if he hears it now?'

'And who's going to tell him?' James asked warningly, one hand already coming forward to grip Remus's shoulder.

'If you won't, then I will,' Remus replied firmly. 'Or would you rather he find out from some Slytherin…Snape for instance?'

James gritted his teeth, his hold on Remus instinctively tightening. 'He's not going to find out.'

Remus snorted sardonically. 'And how are you going to pull that one off? Cut off his ears? I know he's like your brother and all, but you have to stop treating him like glass, James. You're not doing him any good by trying to shelter him this way.'

James turned to face Remus, for the first time, truly meeting his gaze. 'You haven't lived with him, Remus. You haven't seen him the way I did. After he ran away, I thought he was going to-.' He shook his head, shaking off the thought. 'It doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is that his family's not a subject we can just bring up in dinner conversations and the lesser he knows, the better off he'll be.'

Remus ran a furious hand through his hair. 'I wish things were that easy, James, but it's not going to work.'

James glared. 'You tell him a word, Remus,' he warned, his voice dropping an octave. 'One word, and I'll-'

Remus stood up, towering over the other boy. 'You'll what, Potter?'

For a few ephemeral seconds, both boys stared at each other in silence; their eyes smoldering with rage and fierce protection for their friend, their chests heaving with barely restrained anger. The air had changed; the tension thick enough to cut with a knife. Neither of them noticed little Peter Pettigrew enter the dorm; neither of them heard their names being called out; neither cared.

And then, the silence was broken as James let out an enraged scream and punched Remus in the stomach. Remus, shocked by the sudden attack, reeled back and hit the ground. He was sure he heard Peter yell out but it was muffled by the ringing in his ears. And then something feral in him stirred, and he was launching himself on James; both of them kicking and screaming and punching; boundaries forgotten, friendship dismissed, reason left behind. There was only the carnal urge to hurt, to cause pain.

Remus was sure that someone had tried to pull him away from behind, but he must have taken care of it because that someone never tried again. Was that a good thing; because some part of his mind said no. But then, that wasn't what this was about. No, this was about Sirius and what was right for him; and  _James_ , who he'd thought was the leader – the man who made all the right decisions – leading Sirius on.

Remus thought he felt Sirius enter the room, a part of his mind telling him to stop fighting immediately because Sirius would disapprove. But James was still hitting him, and there was anger befuddling his mind and-

There was a loud crash in the room and an angry curse. 'What the fuck is going on?  _Petrificus Totalus!_ '

It was only after the numbing sense of paralysis hit him that Remus realised what he was doing. A sudden sense of guilt hit him. He'd resorted to violence ( _but I didn't start it!_ ). He'd failed to reason ( _I was trying, but he wouldn't listen!_ ). His eyes – the only part of him he could move – came upon Peter whom Sirius was helping up.

'You alright there, mate?' asked Sirius, glancing warily at his two other best friends. 'What happened?'

Peter shrugged and wiped the blood from his lower lip. He winced a little when he saw Remus but otherwise remained passive. 'They just started off at each other…couldn't get them off.'

Sirius frowned. 'Right. I'll let you two out, but you're going to stay dormant, yeah?' His voice shook a bit, clearly surprised. Things like this didn't usually happen among the Marauders. 'Okay…okay…and you'll just explain what happened…'

Both James and Remus rolled their eyes.

Sirius nodded and with a flick of his wand, loosened the binding spell. 'So what's this about?'

James cracked his neck, testing his joints. There were bruises forming on his face and hands, very similar to Remus's, but he didn't seem to pay them any mind. 'It's nothing, mate.' He flashed a reassuring smile. 'Just got into a bit of a fight, is all.'

'Don't lie to him, James,' whispered Remus, fingering the swelling of his eye. 'He needs to know.'

Sirius frowned. 'Is there something going on that I don't know about?'

'No!'

'Yes!'

James glowered at Remus. 'Remus, don't you dare…'

Remus glared back. 'Don't I dare what, James? Don't I dare tell him that his best friend's been lying to him the entire summer? Or don't I dare tell him that his father's dead, that he died a month ago, and he still doesn't know!'

James was about to pounce on Remus again when suddenly, Sirius burst out laughing. Both boys looked at their friend, bewildered and perhaps a little scared. They'd expected shock, anger mostly, but  _this_  side of Sirius they'd never seen.

'That's what you're fighting about?' Sirius exclaimed like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. 'Merlin, I already know that.'

This time, even Peter blinked rapidly, unsure if Sirius had misheard the word 'dead' for something else. This sort of reaction from anyone was, to put it lightly – unexpected and perhaps, even bordering to lunacy.

Upon looking at his friends' confused expressions, Sirius smiled. 'Look, it doesn't matter to me, yeah? You all know that I've hated my family for a long time now. I couldn't care less if they all decided to drop dead tomorrow. It's not like they've ever done anything worthwhile for me, yeah?' His expression mirrored the nonchalance and cruelty of his words, as he simply picked a comb from the table and began fixing his hair. 'Next time you guys decide to punch each other's lights out, let me in on it, will you? I could save you a lot of trouble.'

All three of them stared at Sirius wide eyed, the silence only broken when Remus spoke up. 'You don't mean that. They're your family, Sirius.'

Sirius pointed the comb at him threateningly, his face grave. 'No, Remus. They were never my family, especially not now. You guys have been the only people that matter so far, and I intend to keep things that way. Am I understood?'

He was. In those few words, Sirius had conveyed his intentions with perfection. Yes, his father was dead. Yes, perhaps it did hurt more than it should; but he didn't need his friends comforting him or fawning over him. Most of all, he didn't need any more pity. This was a battle he'd chosen to fight on his own and as long as he had that ability, the decision to simply overlook any news concerning his family stood firm. They had long ago gone beyond help and the feeling of helplessness in Sirius that followed was, according to him, unnecessary and wounding.

Eventually, things would go back to their normal pace again. The fight between Remus and James, despite being their first and fiercest would be forgotten. Perhaps parts of it would be brought up in humour. Times were getting darker after all and laughter was so hard to find. But till then, as the old saying went, ignorance is bliss.

* * *

 


	24. Graduation Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Graduation day, Hogwarts…** _

Fenrir Greyback walked stealthily amongst the shadows, watching the crowd of students gathering in front of the camera, their arms around each other as they took their final school picture. He could smell their excitement. Despite his human form, he could feel the adrenaline and the fresh blood rushing through each of their veins. It made the wolf within him stir and aroused the primal urge to attack, but he ignored it. Today was not a day of bloodshed but of celebration. His  _son_ was graduating today.

Fenrir smiled to himself – a revelation of crooked, bloodstained teeth. To think he would have missed such a joyous occasion had it not been for the Dark Lord. His eyes didn't even have to search for the boy. Despite the sea of identical black robes, his cub stood out as a star would amongst the black of the night sky. And why wouldn't he? He was a wolf, superior to the humans around him. There was no competition, no way a human being could repress or outdo his kind.

Fenrir kept his eyes solely on the young werewolf, watching as he slowly separated from the crowds and walked thoughtfully towards the Forbidden Forest, unconsciously coming closer to his maker. His eyes were glazed over, reminiscing over old memories perhaps.

 _Remus Lupin_. Fenrir had been shocked when the Dark Lord had mentioned his name. Lupin? It was impossible. Fenrir remembered every single one of his victims, and this boy - he'd been mauled to the brink of death, he was sure of it. Keeping him alive through all those injuries would have been a miracle by itself. Yet, here he was today, healthy and happy; and there was no doubt whose son he was. He looked exactly like John Lupin had twelve years ago, only slighter and less angry.

Fenrir's eyes raked over Remus's form, taking in his appearance, his smell, his aura. The Dark Lord had been right, he realised with a sudden sense of overwhelming pride - Remus was beautiful. He was beautiful and Fenrir had created him.

The power hidden beneath that slight frame was far from ordinary. It was a combination of magic and darkness, good and bad, wizard and werewolf. And yet, there was purity. Remus's soul had remained as clear as his skin, untainted by blood thirst and murder. It made Fenrir want to touch him, to scar him.

John had taken good care of his son, but now it was Fenrir's turn to bring out the Remus's hidden potential. It was time his cub was returned to him.

'Mr. Lupin,' whispered Fenrir with a thick Welsh accent, once Remus had come close enough to hear him.

Remus startled out of his thoughts only noticing Greyback. 'Do I know you?' he asked, eying Fenrir warily.

Fenrir blinked lazily. 'Perhaps, perhaps not. I'm Fenrir Greyback.' He put out his hand, already prepared for the disgust and outrage that would follow the mention of his name. He was shocked when Remus shook his hand amiably. Fenrir frowned inwardly, confused at the lack of recognition. Didn't the boy know who he was? Surely John must have told him.

'Nice to meet you. Are you a parent?' asked Remus, looking at the grounds behind him.

'No.' Fenrir smiled. It would seem that John Lupin's ignorance and stupidity had made things easier for him yet again. 'I'm a teacher. Not Hogwarts,' he added upon seeing Remus's confused face. 'But I've been told about you, and I've come to see if you're as smart as they say.' He chuckled at the slight blush rising up Remus's cheeks. 'And perhaps even offer you a job.'

Remus's eyes widened. 'A job?' He rubbed the back of his neck, shocked. 'I-Wow! Er…would you care to sit down?' he asked, gesturing to the massive row of white chairs further behind him.

Fenrir cautiously stepped deeper into the forest. 'Unfortunately, my identity isn't as well concealed as yours.'

Remus frowned. 'I'm not sure what-'

'I'm a werewolf, Remus, just like you,' replied Fenrir, his voice low and dangerous. 'I'm well known among quite a few of the parents here, and they might not be as welcoming as you.'

Remus frowned slightly. 'Oh…er…of course…sorry…'

Fenrir watched, fascinated as Remus took out his wand and conjured two chairs for them. 'I have a school,' he continued, once he'd sat down. 'For young wolves – some like you; most, younger. It's somewhat like a safe haven for children who have been bitten at a young age and exiled from society…sometimes even abandoned by their own parents.' Fenrir clasped his hand underneath his chin, inwardly triumphing at the flicker of sympathy and the break of distrust in Remus's eyes. 'We help them through their first transformations, provide shelter and give them the education they are so wrongfully denied; but our resources are limited. You see, not all of us have had privilege of attending Hogwarts, and your knowledge of magic…' He turned to the younger werewolf, maintaining eye contact. 'It would be priceless to our institution.'

Remus nodded thoughtfully. 'I've never heard of a school of such though.'

The boy was sharp, Fenrir noted. He liked that. 'Very few have. Can you imagine what would happen if all these people knew, Mr. Lupin?' His hand moved across the throng of parents and students. 'They would burn us down.'

Remus looked away from the crowd and at his feet. 'A necessary precaution.'

'I'm afraid so. Now, I can't guarantee a high pay since we're funded by the Ministry.' Fenrir laughed bitterly when Remus's head shot up in surprise. His voice opted a mocking tone, 'It's their way of keeping all us beasts together to make sure we don't endanger the lives of higher mortals, but I'm not the one to complain. I help them and they help me. Overall, it's a win-win situation, don't you agree, Mr. Lupin?' He looked at Remus, trying to read him. 'So do I have a yes?'

'I - Do you think I could see this school of yours first?' asked Remus, a smile slowly forming on his lips. 'I'd love to see these children.'

Fenrir grinned, taking out a white piece of card from his pocket. 'Here's my card. Feel free to drop in anytime and ask for me once you get there.'

'Thank you,' replied Remus, getting up. 'I hope you don't mind, I have to go.'

Fenrir shook his head. 'Go ahead, enjoy yourself and think about my offer.' He smiled victoriously. 'I look forward to having you as part of us, Remus Lupin,' he whispered as he watched Remus walk away.

Fenrir Greyback stayed in his seat for the rest of the evening. Only this time, it wasn't just Remus that he watched, but his surroundings – the people Remus spent time with, the people he truly cared for, his strengths, and his weaknesses. They were an important part of his personality, a side that could only be learned through silent watching – not like how you would watch your prey, but more intimate. Was he thinking of manipulation, or was he trying to learn things like a father would of a son? Not even Fenrir's lust addled mind could tell you. The situation depended mostly on the level of insanity he'd reached.

He sat there, for hours and it would seem Fenrir was waiting, because when Dumbledore sat beside him, his reaction was nothing but a cordial smile. 'Evenin' Dumbledore.'

'I don't remember passing on the invitations to you, Greyback,' answered Dumbledore coldly. His blue eyes shone eerily behind his glasses as he surveyed Fenrir carefully.

'Of course,' replied Fenrir, nodding. 'But need I remind you that Ministry officials such as myself don't need a permit to enter Hogwarts?'

Dumbledore shrugged and smiled. 'How is that school of yours faring? I hear your students are quite… _enthusiastic_ , is it?'

Fenrir's mouth stretched in an unsightly grin. 'Nothing like a good  _hunt_  for knowledge, I always tell them. Your students are quite extraordinary themselves.' He looked pointedly at the slowly thinning crowd. 'I've had the pleasure of meeting a few.'

A slight flicker of anxiety passed Dumbledore's face but was quickly replaced by his usual mirth. 'Then I assume your job here is done, because I must really ask you to leave.' He got up and fixed the sleeves of his robes. 'After all, without the Ministry's protection, Hogwarts might prove fatal to you.'

Fenrir laughed scathingly. 'Then let the games begin!' he exclaimed, standing up with his arms stretched out theatrically. 'Who's first, Dumbledore?'

Dumbledore looked towards the grounds, a slow smile spreading his face. 'Oh, I think you've met him. A word of precaution though,' His eyes fell on Remus Lupin and then traveled back to Greyback. 'You might end up with more than you bargained for.'

* * *

 

 _A job_ , thought Remus still in awe with the situation. He, Remus Lupin, of all the people had gotten a job offer amongst his own people. Remus had never actually met another werewolf before and the prospect seemed almost unnerving. How would he behave? How would they react to someone like him? Would they like him as a teacher? Would they like him at all?

There were so many conflicting questions and emotions running through his mind that Remus never noticed the tanned hand shooting out of one of the hidden corners, or the conspiratory gleam of eyes from within the shadows. His mind only got enough time to recognise that all too familiar growl before he felt a warm pressure on his lips and an abusive tounge inside his mouth.

_Sirius…_

They broke apart after a long time, breathing against each other's necks; and Sirius shifted closer so that their chest and thighs were touching. 'How many times have I told you, Moony, not to go running around all by yourself, hm?' He ran a deliberate hand down Remus's back. 'Someone might attack you and what then?'

'And I suppose wandering the grounds with a big strong man like you will keep me safe,' breathed Remus, kissing up Sirius's jaw.

'No, but it'll keep the ladies occupied.' Sirius brought his head up to stare into Remus's eyes. He ran a hand through honey brown locks and down the smooth expanse of Remus's neck. 'Did I mention you look dashing this evening?'

Remus batted Sirius's hand away. He hadn't spent an hour trying to gel his hair back only to have Sirius ruin it for him. 'Stop trying to seduce me, Padfoot. You know I can't come to the flat for another week.'

Sirius pouted. 'What's with this final week thing anyway? It's not like your parents are never going to see you again. They can apparate anytime they want…with a bit of a warning of course,' he finished, grinning cheekily.

Remus rolled his eyes. 'It's the last week of me staying with them. You know my mum…her baby's finally grown up…and Aunt Nash is taking time off specially to be with her  _wittle Remoo_. It's not like I'm going to have a lot of fun.' His face screwed up as if tasting something foul. 'Last time, mum told Aunt Nash about my Freddie Mercury obsession, and she figured I must like wearing spandex too. Went and got me a nice silver pair and insisted I try it on for size. Spandex, Sirius! Spandex! Can you believe it?'

If Remus had expected sympathy, he wasn't getting any because Sirius had gotten a dreamy look at the mention of Spandex. 'Do you still happen to have it?' He laughed as Remus punched him playfully on the shoulder. 'What were you doing brooding on your own, anyway?'

Remus sniffed and buried his face into Sirius's neck again. 'I wasn't brooding. I was thinking.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'You just graduated, Moony. Can't you give it a rest?'

Remus looked up. 'I got offered a job.'

Sirius's eyes widened. 'What!' He lowered his voice, hoping his last exclamation hadn't drawn attention. 'I mean, that's great! Where?'

'In a school. It's run by a Fenrir Greyback.' Remus curled a lock of black hair around his fingers and bit his lip. 'It's for younger werewolves who can't fend for themselves. An orphanage of sorts.'

Sirius frowned. 'Greyback?'

'You know him?' asked Remus, meeting Sirius's eyes.

Sirius shook his head as if to clear away unnecessary thoughts. 'His name sounds familiar, but I can't seem to put my finger on it.' He shrugged. 'Must have seen his name in the papers or something. I mean, a werewolf school's big news, right?'

Remus's hands went up in exasperation. 'That's just it. Apparently, only the government knows about it…else it's kept under wraps.'

Sirius nodded. 'It would make sense. Security purposes and all. Still, it should be good.' He grinned. 'So, when do you start, Professor Lupin?'

'I haven't agreed to it.'

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. 'Oh?'

Remus shrugged. 'I don't know. I just figured I should check it out first…you know, maybe see if I'm up for the job.' He didn't mention the odd shiver that had run up his spine when he'd looked into Greyback's eyes.

'Pssh! You're a brilliant teacher, Moony. Everyone knows that,' reassured Sirius, waving off Remus's previous comment. 'What did your parents say about it?'

'I didn't tell them yet. I want it to be sort of a surprise. I'll tell them once I've seen the place.' Remus looked down nervously and then back up again. 'That way I won't get their hopes up either. You know how dad gets.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Give me a break, Moony. You'll be a superb teacher and the kids will just love you.' He smiled encouragingly, admiring the slight colouring of Remus's cheeks. 'There'll be all these little girls swooning over the young and gorgeous Professor Lupin.'

Remus laughed, the tension in his face finally breaking. 'It's a pity then that the young and gorgeous Professor Lupin is already besotted to such a mutt then,' he whispered, letting his thumb smooth over Sirius's cheek.

Sirius's eyes fell to a half close, unconsciously letting his lips brush over Remus's with every word he spoke. 'Hm…your dad was searching for you. Something about the four of us and pictures. I told him I'd find you.'

Remus pulled away. 'We'd better get going then.'

Sirius caught his hand, his eyes opting their most pathetic look. 'Aw…come on, Moony. I won't be getting you for a week!'

Remus tilted his head, eyes lazily surveying his desperate face and stopping at his lips. He smiled. 'Oh…I don't know…I just might be able to arrange for that.'

* * *

 


	25. Truth Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Place: confidential…** _

Remus wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand and checked the card again.

He'd apparated in a familiar spot and then chosen to walk the rest of the way.

It took Remus exactly five minutes to figure out that this was an increasingly bad idea. The sun was unbearably hot – too hot for July even – and the material of his robes was drenched and sticking uncomfortably to his skin. His shoulder length hair, which he'd taken the pain to gel back and tie into a ponytail, now hung in loose strands around his face, as rouge as the day he was born. His skin had already turned a violent shade of red, and it would seem that no amount of cooling charms was going to help. The day hadn't even started and already Remus looked like shit. He still had to visit Sirius in their new apartment and pick up the cheese cake his mum had wanted. This was going to be a long day.

Remus stared at the wrought iron gate in front of him, his eyes trailing the spreading rust across the surface. The rust had even grown onto the sides of the walls like a relentless epidemic, yet the sturdy gate showed no signs of collapsing. But it wasn't the corrosion that disturbed him. No, it was the walls. Nearly every inch of it seemed to be covered with jagged pieces of broken glass – butterbeer, soda bottles, maybe even windows. Either way, the glass seemed sharp and literally ingrained into the cement itself. Should anyone ever make the mistake of leaning on any of these walls…

It was an unnecessary precaution given that the top was already heavily barb wired.

This simply could  _not_  be a school. It was impossible for a child to live in such an environment and keep his sanity intact – werewolf or not. Surely there had been a mistake? But no, the address on the card had been specific and all the details led here - in front of what could only be described as the gates of hell.

Remus felt sweat trickle down his forehead and wiped it away quickly. He was nervous. Now more than he'd started out because of what stood in front of him.  _I should go_ , he told himself.  _I should really go. This place isn't right and what if they don't like me? What if I don't belong?_

Remus bit his lip and against his better judgment, rang the bell. After that, he'd had exactly two minutes and thirty five seconds to run and never look back again. He didn't. Instead, he waited until the door opened and his heartbeat had increased tenfold.

'Mr. Lupin, we've been expecting you.'

Remus shook Greyback's hand, trying hard not to grimace at the crooked smile the older werewolf shot him. 'I hope I'm not too late.'

Fenrir's hand squeezed his tightly before letting go. 'Not at all. Why don't you come in?'

Remus smiled weakly and stepped in. As soon as he entered, he found himself surrounded by a dense crowd of trees, and then it hit him before he could register much else.

The smell, the look, the feel – every sensation amplified; and a powerful voice in his head, so similar to his but with the confidence of a king.  _You're home, Remus_. Overwhelmed and caught by surprise, Remus grabbed the sides of the gate and breathed deeply.  _Home. Nowhere else. Only here. Stay. Stay._

'Take off your shoes, Mr. Lupin,' said Greyback, smiling as he watched Remus's eyes darting frantically.

Remus found it hard to look at Greyback right now or even concentrate on what he was saying. His eyes as if on their own accord, wandered haphazardly, trying to find a source for so much sensation. There was nothing, nothing but trees and yet, what he felt - it had to be attributed to something, coming from  _somewhere_.

He vaguely felt a hand help him take off his shoes and blindly submitted to it. It wasn't until he felt his feet touch the smooth, cool ground that the world righted itself and his head finally stopped spinning. Remus took a deep breath and finally looked up at Greyback.

'It's beautiful, isn't it?' asked Fenrir knowingly, placing a calloused hand on Remus's arm and leading him across. 'The power of the forest?'

It was beautiful. Not like that of the Forbidden Forest, but wilder.  _Magical_. It possessed a raw, untamed beauty that had grown scarce over the years. Nothing here had been cultured; they grew on their own accord and died the same way. Survivors blossomed blood red and the rest wilted to brown – just as nature had intended.

'That's our school. It's not much, but we try.'

The school itself wasn't as mesmerising as its surroundings; with its cracked light grey walls and bendy plumbing. It looked far more welcoming than the front gate but as he entered inside, Remus immediately began to miss the rich earthy scent of the forest and primal freedom that accompanied it. He felt claustrophobic, constrained within these four walls and something in him screamed to  _get out;_ to  _go back;_ the  _forest was home_.

Remus shook himself. He was being stupid. After all, hadn't he spent most of his life like this? Then why these sudden urges for open air when he was nowhere near a transformation? He convinced himself to ignore his heart's pleas, and concentrated on Greyback instead. He seemed to have been talking for a very long time, but Remus only caught snitches of the conversation, preferring to inspect with his eyes rather than Fenrir's words.

The interior was no more impressive than the exterior. The rooms couldn't be bigger than Remus's bathroom at home, the only furniture being the three narrow beds squashed together. The doors looked ready to collapse under the abuse of children closing and opening them continuously; and the floors had dents in several places, quite a few of which Remus nearly tripped over. Still, there was a merry chatter of students and laughter reverberating across the damp halls brought a certain cheer to the place that overshadowed any constructional drawbacks. These children seemed genuinely happy to be here, despite Remus's quick assumptions.

'Classes are upstairs, but we usually don't start until the evening,' Remus heard Fenrir say.

'Why not?'

Greyback smiled, his gaze following two students walking past them. 'Well, I find that the children concentrate better after sundown. Being creatures of the night…'

Remus opened his mouth to retaliate but found that he had nothing to say.

Greyback's smile fell and his face twisted into an inhuman sneer. 'You see, Mr. Lupin, over here, we teach our students to be themselves. Denial of what they are will only make them weaker in the eyes of human beings.' His tone neared maliciousness, and Remus took a slight step back, suddenly intimidated. 'The Ministry believes in suppressing our strength, our power…and while some of us might follow these rules, I personally find them a hindrance and a pull down for the student's self esteem. What they are is nothing to be ashamed of and certainly not to be ignored. By pretending to be human, they will get nothing…they will be  _nowhere_.'

Remus looked away, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

Fortunately, he was saved from an awkward conversation when a blur of something nearly ran into him; and it was only Remus's quick reflexes that saved him from being knocked down. It was a child, he realised, as he grabbed in time and held the squirming thing at eye level.

Greyback laughed, breaking the tension in the air. 'I see you've had the misfortune of meeting Rubel.' He reached out a hand, gently caressing the child's strawberry blonde hair. 'Shh, cub,' whispered Fenrir, coming closer, and Remus saw true affection in those yellow eyes. 'He's our youngest. Only five years old, but he can run like the wind. We found him in a muggle clinic, where the doctors couldn't figure what was wrong with him or even where he'd come from.'

Remus's hold tightened on the boy. 'What about his parents?'

There was a sudden fire in Fenrir's eyes as he looked up at Remus fiercely. 'I'll tell you this Remus Lupin, and I'll tell it to you only once, so I expect you to remember it.  _I_  brought him in,  _I_  gave him a name,  _I_ gave him a life,  _I_  gave him powers he could never have imagined having. He doesn't need any parents. He only needs  _me_. Do you understand that?'

Remus, too shocked to reply, simply nodded and turned towards the boy instead. He could understand Fenrir's possessiveness, he supposed. After all, he had personally raised these children, hadn't he? A sort of admiration for Greyback bubbled up inside of Remus, and he looked at the older werewolf with new found respect.

Rubel cocked his head inquisitively at Remus's nervous gaze and the brunette couldn't resist copying the movement. 'Who are you?' asked Rubel, furrowing his eyebrows so deep that only a slight sliver of his azure eyes peeked out beneath his lashes.

Remus smiled warmly, his discomfort after Fenrir's speech slowly dissipating. 'I'm Remus Lupin.'

'You're not a student,' Rubel stated obviously, frowning and looking questioningly at Greyback. When all he got was an encouraging smile, he brought his face closer to Remus's, slowly nuzzling his neck.  _Like a dog_ , realised Remus,  _or a wolf._ 'But you're one of us.'

The situation should have been uncomfortable – a strange child trying to smell him. But it wasn't, and Remus was again overwhelmed by the sensation of  _home_ and  _pack_ and  _people, my people,_ and the need to  _stay…_

'Why are you different?' asked Rubel, looking up at Remus and balancing his hands on the older werewolf's shoulders. 'I don't understand. You smell… _different_.' His eyes mirrored the curiosity in Remus's own amber orbs, as he struggled to find the right words. 'It's nice…clean.' He came closer to Remus's right ear and whispered for only them to hear, ' _Human…'_

'Is that good?' Remus whispered back, surprisingly unaffected by the statement. It made sense for him to smell human. He had spent most his life with them and all of it pretending to be one of them. But the conversation had aroused something inside of him - a need to find out who he truly was and perhaps even accept it instead of looking at it as a curse.

Rubel nodded. 'It's good. I like it.' His face broke into a beatific smile, and Remus was sure he'd never seen anyone this adorable his entire life, 'I like you. Will you stay? He bit his lip and fisted Remus's shirt nervously. 'With me?'

Remus beamed and looked at Greyback who for the first time since they met, looked slightly apprehensive. 'Yeah. Yeah, I'll stay.' He ruffled Rubel's hair, enjoying the small giggle that escaped the boy's mouth. 'But not until Monday, alright?'

* * *

 

Remus felt himself expanding as he apparated into Sirius's flat and on a dirty pile of laundry. He looked around, trying to disentangle his feet from between the piles sheets and underwear.

It would seem that Sirius had been cleaning up or at least, attempting to. Empty boxes lay scattered on the carpeted floor; most of its contents strewn about nearby, while others were haphazardly arranged around the house. Remus was pretty sure that the tea pot did not belong on the book shelf beside his favourite issues of  _Marvin the Muggle_  (mint condition, mind you).

'Sirius?' Remus called out, folding a few of the clothes out of the way and placing them on the kitchen counter. 'You there? Padfoot?'

'Left bedroom!' Remus heard Sirius's muffled voice call out.

He carefully maneuvered through all the strewn furniture, passing the conjoint living room and into the left bedroom. 'Padfoo-' He stopped when he entered the room to see only the tips of Sirius's neon yellow socks peeking out from under a queen sized bed. 'Well, look at you…'

Sirius slid out from underneath and grinned. 'Hey, Moony. Just fixing up the bed.' He got up and dusted himself off before kissing Remus lightly on the lips.

Remus grinned back, brushing off the remaining dust from Sirius's forehead. Sirius looked quite a sight in too small overalls and covered in filth. His black hair, shorter than Remus's, but still long by normal standards, stood up in disarray at the back of his head where he'd obviously been lying down. Remus curled his fingers around the silky (if not dirty) strands, smoothing them out and taking pleasure in the benign smile that spread across his friend's face.

Sirius hadn't changed much over the years. He'd grown taller, almost to Remus's height, with legs tantalizingly long and thin. His face had remained the same, perhaps a little more angular here and there, but he was still the same handsome boy that Remus remembered from their first year and grown to love over the next few. Remus could say that Sirius had perhaps grown manlier since then, but figured Sirius's inability to grow anything more than a few wisps of hair on his chin spoke for itself.

'So, what do you think of your bedroom?' asked Sirius, casually laying an arm across Remus's shoulders. 'I furnished it and everything. It's still a little dusty, but I'll clean it up once I'm done with my room.'

Remus's heart sank. 'It's nice,' he murmured. It was silly really, but he had been expecting for them to share a bed now that he was moving in. Clearly a ridiculous notion, especially since Sirius had gone to the lengths of furnishing a separate room for him.

The black haired boy smiled slyly. 'You'd think so, wouldn't you? Too bad it's just a decoy for when your parents come over. Truth is…' he whispered, letting his lips brush over Remus's neck and sending shivers down his spine. 'Night or day, I'd  _really_  rather you sleep underneath me.'

Remus blinked.  _Did Sirius-?_ And then he burst out laughing, probably more out of relief than the cheesy innuendo.

Sirius pouted, disentangling from Remus. 'I didn't think I was doing anything particularly funny.'

Remus only laughed harder, grabbing Sirius into a tight hug. 'You are just too much, you know that? God knows, why I lo-' Remus shut his mouth abruptly, cursing himself. That had been close, too close. He'd almost said it – those three dreaded words. He'd have to watch himself better next time He couldn't take the risk, not now when things were so perfect. The very thought of Sirius leaving him because of something so stupid was too painful. Perhaps Remus would tell him later when the time was right.

Sirius looked up, smiling despite himself. 'You what?'

Remus hacked his mind for a good excuse. 'I want a tour of the place.'

Sirius raised a sardonic eyebrow. 'The apartment's twenty feet long. There really isn't much to see. We have the living room and kitchen, which will be really pretty once I get it cleaned up. That's what the brochures said anyway.'

'I'm sure.'

'We have a joint bathroom where we can take a piss in,' Sirius gestured outside to his right.

Remus tried not to comment on Sirius's crude description.

'And in the next room,' Sirius moved closer, wiggling his brows suggestively. 'Is the bed we'll be having hot, passionate sex in…'

* * *

 

Remus rang the doorbell, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration as he watched the big black dog jump around him playfully. 'Sirius, will you just stop that!' The dog did nothing but bark mischievously and continue its game. 'Sirius, bad dog! Sit! Heel!'

Padfoot whined pitifully, his tail promptly falling between his legs and paws settling over his head. He looked up at Remus with large grey eyes and Remus groaned.

'Don't me such a drama queen, Sirius. It's your fault and you know it.'

Grey eyes, if possible, grew even larger.

Remus averted his eyes. 'You're not guilt tripping me. This is one game I'm too used to, to actually fall for.'

If Remus thought that was going to make Padfoot stop, he was sadly mistaken. Instead, Padfoot increased his 'please pity me' charm tenfold and whimpered to an impossibly pathetic degree.

It didn't take long for Remus to change his mind and had it not been for the clacking of heels coming from the other side of the door, Remus would have surely knelt down beside Padfoot to reassure him.

'Who is it?' sang out a female voice that could only belong to his Aunt Nash.

'It's me: Remus.'

'Remoo? I don't think so!' she sang again and it made Remus want to strangle her. He loved her, he really did, but her antics were a whole other matter. 'Tell me what your Halloween costume was when you were three.'

Remus felt the blood drain out of his face. His Halloween costume? Now? He looked at Padfoot from the corner of his eyes, noticing how his ears perked up curiously, all whining forgotten.

'Come on, Aunt Nash! I got through dad's barriers, didn't I? Just let me in!' he pleaded desperately.

He heard his aunt chuckle. 'Barriers can be broken, sweetheart, especially if you're  _You Know Who_!'

Remus thumped his head against the door. He remembered that Halloween; how could he not? His parents had left ( _abandoned)_ him to trick or treat with his aunt while they enjoyed a quiet couple's night out ( _snogging)_. Back then, he'd enjoyed it, he really had. He'd been three after all, with hardly enough brains to fill an egg cup. But the memory haunted him now, especially considering that there were _pictures-_ ones that made him want to drown himself in the toilet.

'I'm waaiitiing!' his aunt called out cheerfully, obviously taking sadistic pleasure in torturing him.

'Fine!' he spat. 'I was a pujghjd.' Remus mumbled, carefully avoiding Padfoot's eyes.

'What? I didn't hear you!'

'A princess, alright? I was a bloody princess!' All the comments about what a pretty girl he'd been came rushing back to him, and Remus shuddered involuntarily. Why hadn't he realised it sooner? It was his aunt's fault he was a ponce.

The door swung open and Remus was enveloped in a bone crushing hug and strong jasmine perfume. Nash pulled away after a kiss on each cheek, but her smile fell as soon as she chanced a glance downwards.

'John!' she gasped, her hands promptly going to her mouth. 'I'm dying!' She blinked rapidly, her large blue eyes growing enormous. 'There's a Grim on our front door and he's grinning at me…very, very evilly.'

Padfoot growled, and Remus knew Sirius's ego had been brutally bruised at being consorted with something as ugly as a Grim, especially after he'd spent an hour in the shower  _(with Remus)._

'Relax, Aunt Nash. It's just Pa-' Remus stopped himself just in time, realising that Sirius had been to his house enough times for everyone to know they called him Padfoot. 'Snuffles,' he finished, ignoring the disgusted look Padfoot shot him and walking in.

He found his father sitting in front of the TV watching the muggle news, least bothered about the dramatic revelation about his sister dying. 'You're late,' he stated, not taking his eyes off the screen.

Remus sat on the couch beside his, setting the cheese cake down on the coffee table. 'Got caught up in traffic.'

John Lupin raised an eyebrow, obviously not believing the story. 'And that stray followed your car home?'

'He's Frank Longbottom's,' Remus lied smoothly, unaffected by the way John Lupin was eyeing Padfoot. 'I met him in  _Mr. Baker's_. Apparently, he needed someone to take care of Snuffles during the weekend. He won't be any trouble, I promise.'

John smiled. 'Hm…cute little fellow, isn't he?' He laughed as Padfoot barked happily and set both his front paws on John lap. 'Enthusiastic a bit,' he remarked, scratching behind Padfoot's ears.

Remus leaned back against the chair, heaving a huge sigh of relief. He'd been afraid his father would recognise Padfoot for who he really was, but either Sirius was doing a very good job of playing his part or he was genuinely being himself. The latter was more likely.

'Freshen up quickly. Dinner should be ready in a few minutes.' John rolled his eyes exasperatedly as Padfoot sniffed at the cake and grabbed him by the ruff. 'And take your mutt with you, hm?'

* * *

 

'You know, for Longbottom's dog, he's mighty attached to you,' Natasha commented through a mouthful of potatoes.

Remus smiled and passed Padfoot another rib to chew on. 'Are you guys free tomorrow?' he asked, deliberately avoiding his aunt's observation.

Both Natasha and Del shrugged, while John helped himself to more salad. 'It could be arranged. Why?'

Remus smirked. 'Well, I wanted to take you all out to dinner.'

Del raised an eyebrow, smiling. 'Oh? And what's the special occasion?'

Remus put his fork down, resting his elbows on the table. 'Well, I got offered a job during graduation, and I looked over it today and well…' He smiled slowly. 'It seemed nice enough, so I accepted it.'

The cheer that followed made Remus beam widely, and Sirius mused that his friend had never looked more beautiful – his face flushed and amber eyes shining behind his wild hair. Happiness suited Remus and even though Sirius couldn't quite remember who this Greyback fellow was, in his eyes, Fenrir Greyback was something close to a blessing.

Padfoot nuzzled Remus's side affectionately.

'So, what are you working as?' asked John Lupin, once the cheers had subsided and everyone was drinking a toast to Remus's new job.

'Teacher,' replied Remus swallowing his drink. 'I'm going to be the first teacher of Magic for werewolves.'

John and Del looked at each other suspiciously, but it was Natasha who voiced the question in both their minds. 'Werewolves, Remoo? You sure? I've never heard of such a thing.'

Remus nodded. 'Yeah, that's what I thought at first too, which is why I visited the school today. It's a little shabby, but Mr. Greyback said-'

Remus was interrupted by the glass in his father's hand shattering, and the multiple gasps coming from both his aunt and his mother. He looked at his father in confusion, and was shocked to see his face contorted with fury – face red and eyes bulging out dangerously.

'I'll kill him!' John shouted, getting up furiously, his plate and cutlery scattering on the ground in the process. 'I'll fucking kill him.'

Padfoot whimpered, and Remus held on to his ruff as comfort. He'd only seen his father this angry once his entire life and that had been the last time he'd visited his grandfather eleven years ago. He'd cried back then, afraid of what his father would do and scared that it had been his fault. Remus had assumed that he'd grown out of that fear, but he could feel it surfacing again as he watched his father clench his fist angrily and punch the wall.

'John, please, calm down!' yelled Del, getting up from her own chair and grabbing her husband by the arm.

John shrugged her off roughly. 'Calm down? Calm down? That bastard's come back! That son of a bitch has come back and he has the fucking nerve to try and take my son away from me! Again!'

Remus straightened in his seat, his hand fisting painfully in Padfoot's fur. 'Wait, again? I've met Greyback before?'

Everyone including John, froze. Had the situation been less serious, it would have been comical: the way his mother and aunt fell into their seats, or how his father stopped mid step, eyes twitching from Del to Remus and back to Del again.

'I-' John faltered, looking helplessly at Del.

Del massaged her temples, staring fixedly at the flowery patterns of their tablecloth. 'It was bound to happen.'

'Just tell him, John. Tell him and get over with it,' whispered Natasha encouragingly, grabbing Remus's father's hand.

John snatched his hand away angrily. 'No!'

Remus watched the exchange of expressions between his parents and aunt – anger, frustration, protectiveness, but it was the stench of fear emanating from his father that overpowered it all.

'Can someone please tell me what's going on?' Remus pleaded, if not a little angrily. He felt Padfoot growl lightly, warning him of the danger that was to come.

Aunt Nash placed a hand on top of Remus's and squeezed tightly. 'Remus, Fenrir Greyback…he's the werewolf who bit you.'

Remus felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

'…and he did it on purpose…'

John Lupin punched the wall again, muttering 'fuck' and other obscenities under his breath.

Remus's mind was whirring, protesting at the sudden onslaught of information. It was impossible, it had to be. His father always told him everything. Surely something like this wouldn't be kept hidden, would it? 'You're lying,' he whispered, trying to convince himself more than anyone else. 'You're all lying.'

Del shook her head. 'It's true, Remus.'

'You told me you didn't know! You told me it had been an accident!' he accused, angry at how his father deliberately avoided his eyes. He vaguely felt Padfoot put a comforting paw on his lap, but he pushed it away.

'It was an accident! If I'd been careful enough, then Greyback would never have gotten to you!'

'How-' His knuckles were turning white where his hands gripped the table.

'Greyback wanted a favour. It was immoral and back then, against my somewhat harsh view point of werewolves…' John bowed his head dejectedly. 'I didn't fulfill it. In return, his idea of a suitable punishment was you.'

Remus's mind didn't want to register what he was hearing. 'A punishment?'

John Lupin nodded, turning his back. Even Del and aunt Nash looked away.

He was a punishment. That was all he was - something to settle his father's internal battles with. 'Is that why you kept me? Out of guilt?' Was pity all there was to his fucked up life? How many lies, how many? Were they lying to him when they told him they loved him? The hugs, the kisses – were they lies as well? Just a cover up for the life they ruined?

Del looked at him sadly. 'Is that what you think, Remus?'

'Dad said so himself that he hadn't been in favour of werewolves back then!'

'Times change,' John growled.

'How do I know then?' asked Remus getting up and ignoring Padfoot tugging at his jeans. 'How do I know that Greyback's not right? Maybe…maybe you deserved it.'

Nash stood up from her own seat, glaring at Remus. 'You think you're the first child he's bitten?' She shook his shoulders roughly. 'Wake up, Remus. Every child in that orphanage is a victim - sometimes of blood lust, sometimes of revenge - the man's as close to a murderer you can get.'

Of course she'd defend her brother. Maybe he was lying to her, too. Maybe they were all lying. Remus looked at his father hard in the eyes. 'He offered me freedom to be who I was while you suppressed it.'

John snorted. 'He uses freedom as an excuse for murder.'

'He offered me a place with my own kind, while you put me under the delusion of being human,' Remus retaliated.

John banged his fist of the table. 'You're fucking human thirty days out of thirty one!'

'He told me the truth while you lied!'

John fell silent.

Remus sneered. 'Was it fun, dad? Was it amusing to watch me wander about like an ignoramus - the oblivious creature of mockery – pouring out my fucking heart to you while you kept secrets of my life locked away in a cupboard?' Padfoot nipped at his fingers, but he ignored it. Sirius didn't know how it felt. This wasn't about Greyback; this was about trust. All his life, he'd assumed that father and he were close; that they were equals, but perhaps even that had been a lie.

'Remus, that's enough,' warned his mother.

'I'm not having this conversation.' John started walking away, his hands clutching at his hair in frustration.

'Why? What are you scared of?'

John turned sharply. 'This! This is exactly what I was scared of! Do you even hear what you're saying, Remus? You hate me.' His voice wavered slightly, but he held his gaze. 'You hate me and it's justified because it's my fault your life turned out like this. And you can leave if you want to, I'll understand that but take my advice on this: don't go back to Greyback. He might promise you a lot, and he might give them to you as well, but at the cost of your sanity. Those children you saw today are being taught how to kill, do you understand that?'

'How do I know you're telling the truth?' Remus didn't flinch away when his father touched his shoulder. 'How can I trust you when all my life you've done nothing but lie?'

'I can't help you with that, Remus.'

That night Remus sent a letter to Greyback resigning from his position. He didn't mention any reasons, or show any signs of accusation. Just a short apology and a polite declination, which only left many questions in Remus's mind unanswered. Sirius had stood by him the whole time, saying nothing, but only providing a comforting presence.

They'd had sex on Remus's bed after that; Sirius on top, kissing and touching Remus in just the right places without any words exchanged in between. He'd held on to Remus as he'd come soundlessly with Sirius inside of him, outlining the dark circles of his eyes and smoothing errant brown strands out his face.

'He's scared, you know…your father,' whispered Sirius once he had slid out, breath still coming out raggedly

Remus said nothing.

'He's afraid you'll leave…that you'll think Greyback would serve as a better father to you…'

When Remus still didn't reply, Sirius sighed heavily. He kissed Remus lightly on the forehead, and they remained a tangle of limbs till sunrise.

Remus didn't know it at that moment as he slept quietly in Sirius's arms; but by morning, he would have forgiven his father and in some ways, understood why he did what he did. But the issue itself would never be brought up. Remus would pretend nothing had ever happened between them, and John would only be happy to oblige, even though his fears would remain until a lot later. They would both play fetch with Snuffles until they were breathless and later, drive together to the nearest Chinese restaurant to order take out because even though Aunt Nash was a wonderful person, she was a horrible cook.

* * *

 


	26. The Kennel and the Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**The Kennel…** _

Remus was going to kill Sirius. Remus was going to kill Sirius, reincarnate him and then kill him all over again.

He voiced his thoughts as he fumbled with his cigarette packet for his seventh stick in two hours. 'I'll kill him.'

Sirius had told him he'd be home by midnight, and Remus hadn't complained despite it being dangerous times and he certainly hadn't asked to come along. After all, Sirius and James had lived together until only a couple of weeks ago and were brothers in every way but blood. It made sense to Remus that they would want to spend some quality time together, drinking beer and doing whatever it was they did best. But it was two in the morning now, and the bastard hadn't even bothered to call. He was beyond late, and Lily had shut their floo for the night.

'I'll kill James too!' exclaimed Remus in anger, rubbing his eyes raw.

He was sleepy. More so, he was worried sick and inwardly pleading that Sirius had simply gone to one of his ridiculous escapades and forgotten the time, careless as he was. That had to be the explanation right? Sirius was pureblood after all and he and James rarely if ever went to muggle pubs. There were no chances of him being attacked, unless he went into a dangerous neighbourhood intentionally. But that was ridiculous; no one in their right mind would put themselves into danger just for the heck of it.

_No one in their right mind…_

Remus stubbed his cigarette against the wall. 'If fucking Voldemort doesn't kill you, I will.'

It was when he was reaching for another smoke that he felt it rather than heard it – that odd tingling sensation in the centre of his chest that told him Sirius was calling for him. He quickly rushed out of their apartment and down the stairs, all the while planning ten different ways to murder Sirius Black.

Remus opened the door to the basement – one they'd rented out from the landlord for Remus's transformations for a few pounds extra – and froze. He was vaguely aware that his jaw had dropped to the floor, but  _Jesus fucking Christ…_

Sirius turned, smiling and wiping the grease off his cheek. 'Do you like it?'

Remus gulped. Sirius was standing there, clad in a brand new leather jacket on top of Remus's old Queen t-shirt, wiping his hands on a dirty rag. It looked good, mused Remus, but what had really caught his attention were the matching leather trousers, hugging his hips so impossibly tight that it left very little to imagination. Did he like it?  _Hell, yeah_ …

Sirius cocked a sardonic eyebrow. 'Moony, you're drooling.'

Remus snapped his mouth shut and looked away, his face turning seven different shades of red. Instead he focused on the rusty steel bar that Sirius was leaning against and  _holy mother of god_ , Remus could only take a shock at a time; and while the former had been deliciously surprising, this one was just a piece of shit.

Remus stared. 'Sirius, what the hell is that?' It was quite obvious what it was, but Remus was very nearly asleep and desperately needed clarification.

Sirius ran his hand over the ripped leather seat lovingly. 'It's a bike, Moony,' he explained as if to a child. 'She's a little worn, but once I'm done with her, she'll be gorgeous.  _My_  absolutely gorgeous bitch.'

Both of Remus's eyes shot up as he fixed Sirius with a disbelieving stare. The tires were flat, the gears were rusty, and the metallic black paint was chipped in too many places for the contraption to be called black, there was a large dent in the front where the headlight had been smashed and there was fluff peeking out of the edges of the seat. She looked more than 'a little worn'. She looked devastated.

Still, if it kept Sirius in those trousers, Remus wouldn't mind entertaining the idea too much.

He sauntered over to the bike and sat on the edge of the seat, hoping the stands didn't give away under his weight. 'Should I be jealous?' he asked, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the handles when he noticed that the bike was pretty sturdy for being so crap.

A slow, sly smile crept up Sirius's face and he rested his head over Remus's hands. 'I should hope not. I was planning for the both of us to ride her together,' he looked up, eyes smoldering darkly.

Remus snorted. 'And get myself killed…you wish!' He jerked his hands from underneath Sirius causing him to stumble. 'By the way, you're sleeping on the couch tonight.'

'What? Why?'

Remus frowned, his face quickly changing from provocative to just plain furious. 'Do you know what time it is, Sirius?' When Sirius shook his head and indicated the lack of a wristwatch, Remus's frown deepened. 'It's two hours past the time you were supposed to be back.'

'Oh. Is that all?' Sirius shrugged off his jacket and hung it on one of the handlebars. 'Really, Moony, I'm a grown boy – don't you think you're overreacting a bit? I just got caught up with this stuff, you know, and I really wanted the trousers.'

Remus rubbed his forehead and looked down. They  _were_  really nice trousers. 'Look, Padfoot. I know I'm acting like some overbearing wife here okay, hell I even feel like one right now; but I worry. I worry a lot. I've seen my dad and the type of trouble he gets into sometimes, so it's not completely baseless.' He cupped Sirius's face with both hands, running a thumb over his right cheek. 'You're one of my best friends and these are dangerous times. If anything should happen to you or James or Peter, I don't know what I'd do.'

Sirius covered Remus's hand with his own and kissed it. 'We're fine, Moony, okay?' He grinned, jumping on to the seat in front of Remus and facing him. 'Besides, everyone knows the Marauders are invincible.'

And Remus, naïve as he was, truly believed him…

XxxxX

'Baby, are you awake?'

Remus groaned and pulled the blanket over his throbbing head. It was way too early to be awake and definitely too early for his mom to be screaming this loud. The sun hadn't even hit the bed yet…

'Remus?'

Remus's eyes shot up. Oh God, his mother was in  _his apartment…_

'Son, you awake?'

And by the sounds of it, so was his father.

Remus sat up, ignoring the sudden head rush and the beginnings of a disastrous migraine. His head swiveled around quickly taking in his surroundings, half expecting his mother to be standing somewhere in one of the corners. He was in Sirius's room… _of course_ …because they slept together on the same bed now. He breathed heavily and looked down at himself under the sheets. Naked. He was  _naked_ , and Sirius had to be naked too if they were following the same rules. Oh  _shit_ , he was naked and his parents were outside his room! Dead, he was dead, dead, dead,  _naked and dead_ …

'Remus?'

He scrambled off the bed, cursing as his legs tangled in their thick blankets. 'Fuck, damn it, fuck,  _fuck_.'

He heard Sirius whine at the sudden loss of warmth and quickly tucked it back underneath his friend's chin. An awake and noisy Sirius was the last thing he needed right now. He grabbed a discarded pair of trousers from the floor, hoping to God they were his and running to the bathroom, simultaneously trying to pull on his trousers.

'Shit, shit…' He hastily buttoned his trousers and dunk his head in the sink, turning on the tap to full blast. 'Chill, Remus, chill,' he whispered, welcoming the cool water pouring over his head and the comeback of his sanity.

He could hear his mother's voice coming closer. 'I don't think they're home. Maybe they stayed the night at James' or Peter's place.'

'Nonsense, I can hear water running.'

Remus cursed his father's sharp senses and grabbed a towel from the rack. His bare feet nearly slipped on the water dripping from his hair as he ran out the adjacent door and into his 'decoy' bedroom. He made a mental note to personally thank the architects of this building for joining the two bedrooms through a double door bathroom. He rumpled his unused bed to make it look slept in and quickly pulled on an old t-shirt from the dresser.

'Which one do you think is Remus's bedroom?'

Remus flung open the door. 'Hi mum, hi dad. Sorry it took me so long.' He smiled and tried not to breathe too heavily. 'I had shampoo in my eyes.' He kissed his mother's cheek and hugged his father briefly. 'What brings you guys here all of a sudden?'

Del glared at John, hands goings to her hips. 'See, I told you to just  _call_ them but no, you always have to do everything the wizard way. Remus didn't even know we were coming. I bet that owl just pooped on your letter.'

John huffed. 'That owl delivered it fine. Remus just doesn't remember it, right, lad?'

Remus had a slight flashback of coming back from James's party,  _a drunken Sirius hanging from his shoulders…_

_Him being pressed against the wall, panting and sweating…_

_Sirius on his knees giving him the blowjob of his life…_

_Him being_ _**this** _ _close to his orgasm…_

_And a ruddy bird tapping noisily against the window beside him…_

Ah...

His eyes automatically reverted to the couch, underneath which he'd flung the letter in haste and desperation. 'Nope.' He grinned in what he hoped was a convincing way. 'Sorry, dad. Didn't get a letter.'

Del looked at her husband triumphantly and walked to the kitchen counter, a slight perk in every step. There were several paper bags lying on top of it, a few already damp either from condensation or oil.

'What's all this, mum?' asked Remus, as he watched her take out bottles of maple and chocolate syrup.

Del smiled. 'Nothing much. Gran sent you a little house warming present and we figured we could drop it off, and cook you and Sirius some breakfast at the same time.'

Remus's face broke into a large smile, and he secretly hoped Sirius would remember to wear trousers when he woke up. 'Gran sent me something?' Gran always sent the best presents – expensive Swiss chocolates, rare editions of books that would normally cost him a fortune. She was muggle and despite being old, knew exactly what Remus wanted and Remus loved her for it.

John gestured at the large cardboard box peeking from behind the counter with his chin. 'It's her television set…the new one. Says it's your half of the will and you should have it since she'll be dying soon anyway.' He lowered his voice so that only Remus could hear. 'Good riddance, I say. That TV's got the latest features! An old cog like her wouldn't know what to do with it.'

There was a loud clatter of spatula hitting the pan. 'John, don't you dare talk about my mother like that!'

'She told me I was a waste of good skin!'

'She was complimenting on your skin, honey. She said it was good, didn't she?' Del defended, pouring oil into the pan.

'She gives me parenting advice every time we visit her.'

Del rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated. 'She's only trying to help, you should know that by now.'

John snorted. 'She told me it's a miracle Remus didn't end up in the asylum. Face it, Del, the woman hates me.'

'Mother doesn't hate you, John,' Del replied sympathetically, flipping over a pancake.

Both father and son looked at each other. 'Yes, she does,' they chorused, Remus grinning and John sulking at his misfortune.

Del rolled her eyes and busied herself in setting the table – laying out forks and spoons she'd picked up from home. She doubted two seventeen year old boys would ever volunteer to have proper cutlery, despite Sirius's pureblood heritage.

John looked at her for a while, watching her lay the syrup bottles in the middle. When he was sure she was too preoccupied to notice or hear them talking, he started fumbling in his coat pockets. Once or twice, he cast a glance towards his wife, completely oblivious to the odd look Remus was giving him. Finally, he fished out a crumpled letter with Remus's name written in green ink.

'Dumbledore told me to give you this,' whispered John, handing it over. 'It's an invitation to an Order meeting. Don't tell your mum and bring your friends along if they want to come, okay?'

Remus nodded and pocketed the letter.

John nodded and smiled. 'Did the transformation go okay this week?' He put a firm hand over his son's shoulder. 'The wolf wasn't too wild, was he? Sudden change of environment and all.'

Remus shook his head and smiled reassuringly. The wolf  _had_  been wild and disgruntled over not being allowed in the open air, but the marauders, as always, had been there in their Animagus forms to stop him from becoming too aggressive. 'I healed quickly this time.'

His father clapped him on the back. 'Good. Now come on, I'm starving.'

It had been a long time since Remus had had a breakfast that didn't involve burnt toast or stale cereal. It was good to be having his mother to cook for him again and even better to be sitting around a table and talking about inane things like his new job at the supermarket nearby. Not one he was fond of, but it paid the bills temporarily until he found a real job. He hadn't even realised how much he'd missed his parents until today and took the time to savour the moment. Things were going wonderfully too - well, at least until Sirius decided to wake up…

He hadn't forgotten to wear trousers, thank god for small miracles. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to wear  _his_  trousers and came in to the kitchen wearing Remus's instead. Now this wouldn't have been a problem since most jeans look pretty much the same. Only thing was that Remus's trousers had his mother's expert stitches across the knee where he'd ripped them on purpose after a very influencing song video. Of course, there was also the fact that Remus was taller and slighter than Sirius, so the legs came off two inches too long and the denim two inches too tight.

Even this would have gone unnoticed. His parents weren't that observant or so he hoped. Things would have gone perfectly smoothly despite it, if  _fucking_ Sirius hadn't made a theatrical display of yawning loudly and planting a large sloppy kiss on Remus's cheek.

'Mornin' gorgeous,' he whispered into Remus's ear, too close for comfort.

Remus felt his face heat up and diverted his eyes from his parents' curious glances. 'Um…morning to you to Sirius,' he said in a fake cheery tone, patting Sirius's back harder than necessary. 'You've met my folks of course.'

He felt Sirius stiffen against him and almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Sirius's hand slipped away from Remus's waist, his brain finally starting to process the compromising position he was in. One would have expected him to stop after such a disastrous fluke, maybe apologise or run back to his room and never face the Lupins again, but this was Sirius Black. Sirius  _fucking_  Black, who was known for his horribly disastrous instincts.

So it should have never come as a surprise to Remus when Sirius casually walked over to Delilah Lupin, would an arm around her waist, kissed her on cheek and said, 'Mornin' gorgeous.' It should have come as even less of a surprise when he moved on to John with very similar intentions.

And he would have achieved it too, had John not held his knife threateningly in front of him. 'One more step, Black, and I will puncture your balls right through.'

'John!' chided Delilah but with the hint of a smile. She put a reassuring hand on Sirius's forearm. 'Sirius, you must be hungry. Why don't you join us for breakfast?'

Sirius gulped, taking John's threat to heart and seating himself between Remus and his mother. He swiftly piled four pancakes onto his plate and stuffed his face with more than he, or any normal human being could chew. The tension that settled after that was thick enough to cut with a knife, the awkward silence only punctuated by their forks scraping against their plates.

Remus was staring at his plate fixedly, while Sirius continued shoveling rather large pieces of pancake at an alarming speed. John and Delilah, however seemed to be the only ones eating calmly, as if nothing had ever happened. It was a horrible way to break to his parents that he was dating his best friend. They'd known he was gay of course, but they didn't think he was seeing anyone, least of all living or sleeping with them. Remus sometimes thought that his father still had a little trouble taking it all in and throwing it in his face this way was probably not the best of ideas.

Finally, Remus set his fork down, exasperated. 'Can you guys please say something? It's getting really suffocating in here.'

Sirius piled two more pancakes onto his plate.

Del smiled and patted Remus's trembling hand. 'It's okay, baby. We're fine. Whoever makes you happy, okay?'

Remus smiled weakly, watching as Sirius's shoulders sagged with relief. He turned towards his father, worried about how he still hadn't said anything.

'John.' His mother's tone dangerously low. 'Shouldn't you be saying something to Remus?'

John stabbed his pancake moodily. 'Don't get Sirius pregnant.'

All three of them burst out laughing, except for Sirius, who particularly did not see anything funny about the comment. He huffed angrily and squeezed the chocolate syrup bottle tightly, ending up with pancakes only Remus could eat without puking.

Del scooped up some of the chocolate with her knife. 'So, Sirius, John told me he saw your forms down at the office yesterday. Applying for auror training?'

Sirius shrugged. 'Yeah, I guess, doesn't matter anyhow. I didn't get accepted.' He felt Remus's bare foot rest against his in reassurance, and he pressed back. 'They told me I was too Black. Suppose I could try out for the Wasps along with James or maybe become an Unspeakable like Mrs. Potter, you know. They're decent enough options.'

John chewed thoughtfully, 'If you wanted,' he said, swallowing. 'Me and Potter could put in a good word for you with Moody. He's a fair enough guy, believes in giving chances.'

Sirius frowned. 'But Crouch-'

'Crouch can go to hell.' And the way John held his fork; it was obvious he would stab the man had he been in front of him. 'Moody despises the son of a bitch and he sure as hell isn't going to follow his rules. Trying to legalise Avada Kedavra. Next thing we know, all the Aurors will be walking around with Dark Marks on their arms.'

Sirius gulped and made a mental note to include Moody into the list of people he'd never mess with along with Remus's father. He'd seen Moody during his runs to the DMLE and even though the man wasn't half as bulky as John Lupin, his unconventional tactics were legendary. Not to mention the map of scars across his face – not very attractive, but bloody tough.

'So I can get in, right?' asked Sirius uncertainly.

'Not promising you anything.' John pushed his plate away. 'How are you at Defense spells.'

Sirius shrugged. 'I'm all right. Not as good as Remus.'

Remus blushed and John smiled proudly. 'No, I wouldn't expect you to be.'

'Dad's a good teacher,' Remus explained. 'We practiced during the holidays sometimes, you know, for fun.'

John shook his head. 'And still, you've learnt nothing. There isn't a single protection spell on this house…what's wrong with you?' He scolded, and Sirius saw Remus look down at his feet. 'Anyone could easily apparate or use a simple  _Alohomora_  charm to get in. Do you know how many attacks there have been recently, huh? Do you want to make yourself such an easy target to death?'

Remus bit his lip. 'Sorry…I was meaning to...' He looked up, his bottom lip slightly red. 'We could do it now. I mean, you could help me and Sirius out, right.'

John nodded, breathing out exasperatedly. 'I don't want you taking your safety lightly, Remus, and you too, Sirius. I mean it. You listen to Moody talk for this many years, and the mind starts getting paranoid, you know.'

Del slowly reached out and piled all their plates on top of each other. 'He said he was sorry, John, stop telling him off so much.' She collected all their forks on tops of the plates. 'Anyway, you and Sirius might as well get started on the spells if you want to finish by lunch; and Remus can help me set this kitchen in order.'

'What?' Remus looked at her like she'd grown horns. 'Why can't I do the protection spells? I know them all anyway. It would make things a lot quicker.'

Del stood up. 'My point exactly. You know them all, Sirius doesn't. He needs to learn and you need to learn how to cook a decent meal before you both starve to death or choke on all that Indian curry.'

'Mum, I want to-'

Del put the plates into the sink and turned on the tap. 'One more word out of you, young man, and you will be grounded.'

Remus pouted, and Sirius found it hard to believe that this was the same boy who called  _him_ immature. 'Mum, I don't live at home anymore.'

His mother sighed. 'Remus, just be a lad and help me wash the dishes, okay? I could use some help.'

Remus got up, obviously disgruntled over having been told off twice by his parents at the age of seventeen.

So this was what it was like in the Lupin household. Sirius had visited them quite a few times but had never actually stayed over. The Potters were nothing like the Lupins, he realised, probably because they were a lot older than them. They usually just talked about politics or the nice new cleaning broom Mrs. Potter had seen in the shop. And though Mrs. Potter occasionally showed a mischievous side, they had the air of a couple who had settled themselves into growing old together and loving forever. Not that the Lupins didn't look happy – they seemed tight. Something the Potters didn't have because of the wide age gap, and Sirius never had because…well…it didn't matter.

Sirius felt a pang of jealousy as he watched John look at both his wife and son with a certain fondness in his eyes. He quickly waved it off, concentrating on the blob of chocolate on the table. He was suddenly feeling very exposed and uncomfortable being left alone with Remus's father, especially after his little fluke with the kiss and all.

John turned to face him the same time he looked up, his face uncharacteristically stoic. 'Sirius, you'd better-'

But Sirius cut him off. 'Look, Mr. Lupin, I know what you're going to say, and I know that it's a little awkward, but Moony's my best friend…and I like him…a lot… so if you know, you think this is wrong…it's not…I really do care for him…and I swear, I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt him, ever.' He said this all at once and breathed heavily once he was finished.

John looked at him with an amused expression. 'I was actually going to say you'd better bring your wand if you wanted to work on the spells, but thank you for your reassurance, Sirius. It was very thoughtful of you.'

Sirius felt himself turn red. 'Er…right, you're welcome.' He went to their couch and dug into the cushions. Over John's questioning glance, he grinned abashedly and took out his wand. 'Safekeeping,' he offered as an excuse and John rolled his eyes.

They were doing okay, thought Sirius, as he helped cast an intruder alarm. He hadn't said anything stupid as of yet. In fact, he'd kept his mouth firmly shut in fear of saying something so abysmally stupid that would leave the Lupins traumatised for the rest of their lives. He'd done enough for a day. It was stupid really. It was a known fact that behind the large exterior, John Lupin was a good man. Sirius had even had decent conversations with him before but somehow, him knowing about the two of them being together changed things. John loved his son a lot and there was something about his gaze that made Sirius feel like his every step was being scrutinised and mocked. Which was also stupid because John wasn't even looking at him.

Finally, John broke the silence. 'Remus told me you had a new bike - some kind of repair project of yours.'

Sirius nodded, concentrating on his wand movement and not the fact that Remus talked about him. 'Yeah…just bought her last week, but haven't been able to do much. The DMLE kept me running with my forms and all.'

'Hm, mind if I take a look at it?'

'Er…' It wasn't that Sirius didn't like John, but his misfortune with anything on wheels was quite the legend.

'Remus has been talking to you about me, hasn't he?' John laughed. 'Fine then, I'll only help with the charms, right? Couple of levitation charms, invisibility charms…I'll even let Remus supervise me if you're scared I'll smash it against the wall.'

Sirius grinned. He must be doing good, he thought, if Remus's dad wanted to spend time with him. He mentally decided that he reward himself later. 'Yeah, I'd like that very much.'

* * *

 

Remus stood quietly at their bedroom doorway, chuckling to himself as he watched Sirius look into the TV with unconcealed fascination. Television was still new to Sirius, and he'd been intrigued the first day Remus had set it up.

' _They're like moving pictures wound up in a box, Moony. Where do they come from? What do they do? Who are these people and why are we allowed to look into their lives? I mean, isn't it a bridge of privacy? Will they send us to prison if they find out?'_

Remus had taken over an hour to explain that really, all these were for entertainment and the muggles were just acting.  _Acting, Moony? Why would someone want to pretend he's dying?_ Now, Sirius was even more fascinated by it than ever because he'd finally figured it out and it was  _bloody brilliant. Muggles are geniuses, I tell you._

Remus shook his head and walked over to the couch, seating himself on the other side. Sirius seemed to be too engrossed to even notice his presence. Remus shrugged and picked up the remote to change channels, when Sirius shouted so loud that Remus was sure his heart had just popped out of his chest.

'No, Moony! Don't switch! I'll miss my show!'

Remus rubbed his chest, frowning. 'They're showing commercials, Padfoot.'

Sirius pouted. 'Yeah, but it'll finish real quick. Come on, Moony. This is a really good episode.' When Remus raised an eyebrow, he proceeded to explain. 'Sandra'll be finding out that Barbara's pregnant with her husband, Mark's child today.'

Remus stared at him for awhile and promptly burst out laughing. 'Padfoot, you woman!' Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, looking highly disgruntled. 'Come on, don't tell you'd rather watch  _that_  than MTV.'

Sirius sulked. 'Yes, I would rather watch  _that_  than a big flaming fruit playing the piano.'

Remus abruptly turned in his seat. 'Elton John's not gay.'

Sirius rolled his eyes and pointed at the outrageous pink furred outfit Elton John was wearing in his video. 'He just doesn't know it yet.'

'And you do?'

Sirius reached out for the remote in Remus's hands, but Remus quickly moved it away. 'Yes, my radar blinks every time they show him on screen.'

Remus stared at him. 'Your radar…'

Sirius rolled his eyes, clearly agitated over the fact that Remus could be this dense. 'Yes, my homosexuality radar,' he explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Remus didn't know if he should laugh or cry. 'Jesus, where do you come up with these?' He tucked the remote underneath the cushion he was sitting on. 'I suppose I have one too, but it's – let me guess – out of order?'

Sirius tried futilely to reach under Remus for the remote. 'Mine would be too if I were ogling at Freddie Mercury all day.'

Remus's jaw dropped open in shock. 'I do not ogle!'

'Yes, you do!'

Remus punched his friend's arm lightly. 'Wanker!'

Sirius punched back. 'Arse!'

'Ponce!' Remus jumped on him.

And so, the scuffle ensued, where both boys were wrestling for the upper hand; pinning arms and rolling over each other in the small confines of their couch. It was a known fact that Remus was a lot stronger than his friend, but both of them were clearly enjoying this too much to for him to exert his actual strength. By the end of it, they both collapsed into the soft cushions, breathing heavily, legs and arms tangled around each other and both laughing too hard to move.

'We were supposed to have left by now – the Order meeting starts at nine,' said Remus in between chuckles. He pushed away errant strands of hair from Sirius's face and smiled when Sirius leaned into his touch.

Sirius glanced at the wall clock through the corner of his eyes. 'We still have two minutes, Moony, don't be such a stuck up prat.' Sirius leaned in for a kiss the same time Remus sat up, and he ended with a mouthful of his hair.

'Prongs and Wormtail are coming too, right?' asked Remus, summoning his and Sirius's boots from the rack.

Sirius sighed and sat up himself. 'Undoubtedly. The Marauders always stick together for a good cause!' He grinned and made a valiant gesture with his hands.

Remus snorted. 'Or a cheap thrill.'

Sirius put his hand his chest, making a show of gasping for air. 'Moony, you scandalise me! Here I am putting my life out there for the good of the Wizarding world and you-'

'Have been watching too many soaps,' finished Remus. 'Still, it's nice to have us guys doing something together again, even if it is saving the world.'

Sirius nodded and pulled on his boots. 'Yeah, especially Wormtail. You should have seen how enthusiastic he was, Moony. I was so sure he was going to chicken out, but he seemed to be really willing to help out…even if it's because Prongs is in it.'

Remus smiled. 'He's a good chap, Wormtail.' He stood up and smoothed out his shirt. 'Take your jacket. It's cold outside and we'll have to walk a bit before we can apparate.'

Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and used it as leverage to pull himself up. 'Can't we just take my Bitch?'

'Ride on that contraption. Not on my life!'

* * *

 

 


	27. Meetings and Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Order meeting…** _

Sirius sipped his tea quietly as he studied the names on his assignment sheet, his eyes occasionally drifting to watch the people around him. It was a rare occurrence – Sirius and silence didn't always make the best of couples, but the job at hand was his first for the Order, and he wanted to make sure he made a good first impression, however tedious and simple it might be.

Sirius's first Order meeting turned out to be somewhat of a disappointment really. He had expected it to be darker, perhaps a little more secretive, maybe even some glitz and glamour while they were at it. Sirius shook his head. Maybe Remus was right. Maybe he has been watching too much television.

Still, even James seemed a bit…well, put off, especially since there had been liberal amounts of sunshine in the conference room instead of being dark and dangerous. Not to mention, the meeting seemed more of a political discussion over biscuits (homemade) and tea. Black family dinners had been more menacing.

The meeting had its upsides of course. Dumbledore had elaborated on some of the finer points of the war and Voldemort, and it turned out that the  _Daily Prophet_  was concealing more than it was reporting; the war was a lot further ahead than he had initially thought. It was juvenile of course, but Sirius had never been more eager to fight before now. Not only because he saw himself as valiant and victorious, but also because he truly believed his presence could make a difference and Dumbledore had clarified it.

Sirius had also had the fortune (and misfortune in some cases) to meet a handful of new people. The Weasleys, for instance, who had always been infamous back in Grimmauld Place for their breeding habits and love for muggles. It came as no surprise that they were irresistibly nice people, well Arthur Weasley at least. Sirius didn't like Molly too much, and she seemed only happy to reciprocate his feelings. She was too overbearing and molly coddling for her age; not to mention, she kept glaring at Sirius's hair as if it was the second biggest abomination on Earth after Voldemort. It was quite unfair, he concluded, especially when Remus's hair was a lot longer and at least two inches past his shoulder.

Sirius looked at Remus - who was sitting beside him and talking animatedly with Hagrid - through the corner of his eyes. It explained things really, why no one ever glared at the Remus. He had the cute factor – it was irresistible, at least according to Sirius. It probably made Molly (mothering as she was) want to sit him on a high chair and feed him home cooked meals all day.

Then there was Shaklebolt, who Sirius had met at work and thought was quite decent up until today. They'd all known about Remus being a werewolf of course, John Lupin was unabashed and open about it in the Order. Yet, when Dumbledore had introduced Remus to everyone for the first time, he'd been the only one to object with a vocal  _'ridiculous!',_ that neither the Marauders nor John appreciated.  _It takes some getting used to_ , Remus had said with a soft smile when Sirius had wanted to retaliate,  _he's not prejudiced, just surprised._ Remus was right of course, as always.

Then, there was Dung, whose name clearly expressed his sense of style and his attitude towards most things quite graphically. That didn't mean he was dislikeable by any means; Dung had his own brand of charm. He was very well informed about slums and dumps of the wizard underground and had the most notorious and amusing stories to tell. He was a thief, undoubtedly, but one that did very little harm except when he tried to steal all their tea spoons. That was a bit inconvenient. He was currently in rapid conversation with Peter, who was trying to get a few of his belongings sold, namely that horrid orange couch in his living room.

Then there was Frank and Alice Longbottom – blissfully married and sickeningly in love. Both were two of best Aurors in DMLE, incredibly smart, nice, old school friends, and recently, very good friends with James and Lily. Sirius didn't like them either, only because they were stealing his best friends.

Lastly, there were the Prewett brothers; bright blond hair, blue eyes, tall and well built, and though they weren't identical, they were equally good looking. Especially Fabian, whom Sirius couldn't help but glance at every so often. He wondered briefly if he was being unfaithful to Remus, but shook it off. It wasn't like he cared for Fabian Prewett or found him attractive enough to actually do something about it. Besides, the man was married with a child.

'Nice, isn't he?' whispered Remus in his ear. Hagrid had just left to talk to Dumbledore.

Sirius closed his eyes and smiled contently. 'I hadn't noticed.' A hand rested at the back of his chair, applying subtle pressure to the back of his neck.

Remus chuckled and leaned back into his chair. 'I prefer Gideon to be honest.'

Sirius turned, an eyebrow raised. 'Oh?'

'Hm, Fabian's nice if you're looking for the boy-next-door kind, but Gideon…' Remus growled softly.

Both of Sirius's eyebrows shot up. 'You're doing this just to freak me out, aren't you?'

Remus pretended not to hear. 'He's available too.'

Sirius rolled his eyes and smacked Remus up the head. 'Yes, he's just waiting for us to jump on him.' Sirius blinked. 'And am I talking about a potential threesome here? What did Molly put in our tea?'

Remus laughed but went on. Sirius wasn't sure if Remus was just making fun of him or actually serious. 'Think about it, he's gorgeous, he's over twenty five and he isn't going out with anyone. If that isn't an indication, I –'

Thankfully, that's when James decided to interrupt. 'What are you two faggots talking about, eh?' He leaned on both their shoulders amiably.

'The recent abandonment of our so called best friend,' replied Sirius pushing James's elbow out of his face.

'Aw, come on you guys, it's not like I was having fun.' James pouted hopefully.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other. 'Uh-huh. What do you think would be the nicest china pattern, darling?' Sirius mocked, fluttering his eyes at Remus. 'The blue or the yellow?'

James cuffed them simultaneously 'It was Lily's idea, I swear. She thinks we should hang around with more couples.'

'We're a couple!' Sirius huffed, gesturing between him and Remus who quickly swatted his hand away, looking around to see if anyone had heard.

James rolled his eyes and pulled up a chair beside them. 'Hardly, I overheard you guys talking about Gideon there. You might want to keep it down…'

Remus had the decency to look abashed, but Sirius just grinned. 'Jealous, Prongs?'

'You wish.' He reached out for Sirius's assignment paper and looked over it carefully. 'What have you got then?'

Sirius snatched the paper back and folded it into his front pocket. 'Suspected Death Eaters. Supposed to look through them in the Ministry records. See what I can find out…me and Alice Longbottom.'

James scrunched up his nose. 'Sounds like a right bore. I got paired with Moody, street patrol.'

Remus shrugged. 'That isn't much fun either unless something actually happens. I got street patrol too…with dad.'

James grinned and pinched Remus's cheeks. 'Aw, isn't that cute! Daddy's little angel off to save the world!'

'Leave him alone, Prongs,' said Sirius, smiling slightly. He knew Remus had actually opted to go with his father willingly. Something about a learning experience from a trained professional and what not. Gobshit. Sirius knew Remus better than that.

Remus smiled back and squeezed Sirius's thigh underneath the table as a small thank you. He glanced at the wall clock and swiftly got up. 'I should get going. Mum will want dad home by midnight. I'll see you tonight, Padfoot.' He nodded towards James. 'Prongs.'

James nodded back, taking over Remus's seat. 'You won't believe some of the stunts I learned at the pitch today. Our captain's got these…'

Sirius tuned James out as he watched Remus walk to stand beside his father. It wasn't that James' story was boring. Au contraire, it was quite interesting the first fifty times but now, Sirius had other things in mind, namely Remus. He had been hoping that whatever task they'd be assigned, the Marauders would get it together as a team. That way they all looked out for each other, just like in Hogwarts. It wasn't that Sirius was the worrying kind. He was all for action and the thrill of something dangerous, but there had been a nagging feeling at the back of his mind ever since he arrived here. Maybe it was animal instinct or maybe just friendly concern. It could even be jealousy over Remus getting the more active job. Either ways, Sirius opted to ignore it and simply watched Remus for the pleasure of it.

Remus was standing beside his father, chatting to Dumbledore when it caught Sirius – the likeness.  _Merlin._  It wasn't that Sirius had never seen them together before, but he had never actually seen them stand this close to each other, in line. It was like looking through some odd mirror caught between the past and the future. Remus and John Lupin were identical in nearly every aspect – the same hair, the same chiseled features, and even nearing to the same body build. They were so alike that it seemed they were only different versions of themselves. Sirius could already see Remus twenty years from now in John Lupin. It was erotic in the most absurd of ways and Sirius found himself completely unable to look away.

So when Remus caught him staring and winked, Sirius blushed and tried hard to concentrate on James' mouth moving. He didn't think Remus would appreciate him having a hard on after looking at him and his father.

'…and then we got the Wronski Feint down…'

* * *

 

John looked at his son through the corner of his eyes and sighed. He fished out a pocket of cigarettes from his jacket and lit one. 'Smoke?' he asked, offering the packet to Remus.

Remus waved it away with his hand. 'I don't-.'

John snorted, blowing out thick grey swirls. 'Remus, I'm your father. There's very little you can hide from me.'

Remus smiled abashedly and took one, lighting it with his wand.

John pocketed the packet back. 'Don't tell your mother. She thinks I'm a bad influence on you.'

'Dad, you  _are_  a bad influence on me,' replied Remus, grinning and blowing out smoke.

'I taught you your first spell at the age of four, you ungrateful brat,' said John, waving his cigarette around indignantly. It was a show of course; he was just trying to get Remus comfortable enough to spill whatever was on his mind. 'Bet not many fathers raise their children to be that smart at an early age, eh?'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Dad, you let me use your wand when I barely had the capacity to form proper sentences, and my first spell turned Gran's hair blue.'

John slapped his cheek lightly. 'That's because she told me I was a bad influence on you. Words like that cannot go unpunished.'

Remus laughed but quieted down quickly. John didn't say anything. It would come; he knew his son; and the trick to get him to talk was to let him take his own time and think things out. If it was important, he would tell. He always did, to John at least. He blew out his last puff of smoke and let the cigarette drop under his foot.

'Dad?'

The old man was never wrong. 'Hm?'

Remus stopped walking and bit his lip. 'How do you know mum loves you?'

John stopped as well. He hadn't been expecting a question like that. 'She told me over dinner, right before she told me I had to throw out the garbage tonight.'

Remus chuckled. 'No, I mean, before…you know…'

'Before we got married?' John smiled and started walking again, urging Remus to do the same. 'Well, she'd tell it to me quite often. Women – very in touch with their feelings and all.'

Remus gave an 'I wouldn't know' shrug.

'Besides, it was inevitable. She was the girl next door, my play mate since we were in diapers, and pen pals later on when I went to Hogwarts.' John's eyes took a faraway look to them as if remembering fond memories. 'We were bound to get together eventually.'

Remus turned to him. 'Did you?'

John broke out of his reverie 'Did I what?'

Remus shrugged. 'You know…ever say it?'

John shook his head. 'Not a lot. You know me - actions speak louder than words, and the fact that I couldn't wait to knock her up with you till we got married proves it, doesn't it?' He grinned slyly as Remus groaned.

'Dad!' Remus touched his ears checking if they'd been scarred permanently. 'I really didn't need to hear that.'

'What? It's not like you don't know. You asked me a question, I gave a frank answer.'

'Lewd's the word you're looking for.'

John stuffed his hands in his pockets as they walked in silence for awhile, giving Remus time to think things over. Finally, he spoke, 'Don't wait.'

Remus blinked. 'Huh?'

John ran a hand through his hair. 'It's what your mum would say. Don't wait till the last minute, especially with this war going on, you know. I'm not-'

Remus suddenly stopped and grabbed his father's forearm. 'Wait.' His body tensed and they both reached out for their wands simultaneously. ' _Lum-'_

' _EXPELLIARMUS!'_

Their wands flew out of their hands, and Remus suddenly found himself hurtling through the air, all the wind knocked out of him. He came to an abrupt stop when he collided into a nearby wall and fell to a crumpled heap on the sidewalk. There were stars dancing around his head, as Remus fought to gain focus. After repeated blinking, his vision finally cleared to reveal his father a few feet away from him, eyes clenched in pain.

Remus rubbed the back of head and struggled to his knees. 'Dad, are you okay?'

John gritted his teeth. 'My back.'

' _Remus, Remus Lupin…'_

Remus's blood ran cold. He recognised that voice. How could he not? Here,  _oh God,_  he was here. The hair at the back of his neck stood up in warning, his instincts screaming bloody murder, and  _just run, run as fast as you can!_ , but the rational part of his told him to stay. He would be dead faster the other way; and his father was here, wounded - Remus couldn't leave him here. This was what he had signed up for, wasn't it? This was what the Order was about…

' _I was hoping we'd meet again._ '

Remus moved towards his father, keeping a strong hold on him as he helped him to his feet.  _Apparate! Take dad and apparate!_ He closed his eyes and envisioned his flat – warm and cosy with Sirius there, waiting for him. But nothing happened.  _Apparition wards! When did this happen? Why didn't I notice?_ John groaned loudly beside him, and Remus realised that he was having a hard time standing up, even with Remus supporting most of his weight.

He pulled John closer, watching with growing apprehension and unable to run as the owner of the voice revealed himself.

Voldemort.

' _You've grown since I last saw you.'_

His voice was silky, deeper than Remus remembered it. His appearance had become more menacing – the once remotely handsome face was as white as chalk, his cheeks hollowed and his eyes now dark slits. Long black robes camouflaged him entirely with the night, illuminating only so often when he passed by a street lamp.  _Inhuman_ …there was no other word to describe him. With every step he took, warmth evaporated and dread took over.

Remus could feel his heart pumping wild with adrenaline, as Voldemort's face loomed inches from his and long skeletal fingers ran down his cheeks. 'I've heard so much about you.' The fingers moved to the back of his neck and traced every letter of the registry code accurately. 'Fenrir tells me you have refused his offer?'

Remus had been so frozen with fear that he hadn't noticed the lurking shadows apart from Voldemort himself. There were Death Eaters – three of them and a werewolf - Fenrir Greyback, whose scent stood out distinctly among all of them. He was concealed by shadows mostly, but easily distinguishable from the yellow eyes that looked at John with pure blood lust.

Out of instinct, Remus found his body moving forward, just enough to cover his father. 'I have,' he replied, sounding braver than he felt. He saw a shine of sharp, canine teeth in the dark, and he knew Greyback had smelled the terror off him.

Voldemort raised a skeptical eyebrow. 'Is the pay not good enough?'

Remus found it hard to maintain eye contact and tried his best to not let his eyes wander. He would not give them the satisfaction of his fear. 'It's fine. I just got another job.'

'At a muggle store?' Voldemort tutted. 'Not quite living up to your expectations, are you?'

 _Defenceless._  He was defenceless without his wand. Every part of him was being stripped and torn apart under Voldemort's gaze. Inch by painful inch. His senses had magnified to detect even the smallest gasps and pained sounds coming from his father; or maybe it was him - he couldn't tell. He knew it was selfish for him to think so, but Remus was glad for John's presence and his silence. The wrong words could trigger a fight neither of them was prepared for. He just needed to think rationally; find a way to escape or at least, get their wands back.

Voldemort fingered the silver etchings on the handle of his wand. 'I've been asked to help you reconsider. Fenrir seems to think that I'm… _very convincing_ …'

Remus's eyes moved around slightly, looking for an escape. 'I already gave Mr. Greyback my final answer.'

Voldemort smiled, slowly walking around them. 'And your reasons are purely professional?' he asked slyly, twirling Remus's hair with his wand and moving it away from his neck.

'My reasons are purely my concern.' Remus had finally spotted their wands - shattered into pieces beside one of the shorter Death Eaters. He could feel the little hope he'd had left deflate inside of him.

'Remus, Remus, you're a man now. It is time you set aside your grudges and embrace the power given to you. Fenrir's attack is an event of your past and while you must always learn from past experiences, you must not dwell on them, wouldn't you agree John?' Voldemort turned with a swish of his cloak and smiled cruelly.

John who had been silent all this while, simply glared and Remus watched admirably as he masked his pain. 'There is no power in taking innocent lives.'

Voldemort clapped his hands together and laughed. 'How heroic!' He brought his face closer to Remus, red eyes boring into him dangerously. 'You want to be like your father someday, don't you, Remus – strong, courageous, an utter fool…'

Remus said nothing, but his insides boiled with contempt and suppressed anger. They would not win; they would not stimulate a rash response out of him…

'Take him,' Voldemort drawled, his arm waving nonchalantly towards John as he addressed the Death Eaters.

Remus's hold tightened the same time they made to grab for John. He did not have a wand, but he had inhuman strength and there was no way he would let them touch his father. He fought against them, hitting them with one arm while holding on to John with the other who was fighting just as hard through all his pain. Remus was just about to deliver another blow when a warm floating sensation filled his mind, and a feeling of utter peace over took him.

A soft voice whispered in his ear.  _'Remus, let go.'_

_I can't…_

' _You can,' the voice urged. 'Let go and you'll never worry about anything again.'_

The prospect seemed enticing, the voice so insistent and trustworthy. Why couldn't he let go, Remus wondered. It seemed stupid to hold on, really.

It was his father's voice screaming his name that brought him crashing into reality.  _'No'_ He told the invisible voice.  _'No. No. I can't. NO!_

There was blinding pain like nothing he'd ever felt before. Worse than his transformations, worse than the time he'd ripped off all the skin from his back. It was like hot iron needles trying to enter his skin - infecting him, cutting him - and all he could do was scream. Scream and scream and scream because it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop,  _oh god, please make it stop! I'll do anything to make it stop!_

And just when he was sure his head was going to burst, it stopped and the pain immediately dulled away. Remus opened his eyes, unaware of when he'd closed them. His heart stopped when he saw John in front of him, only somehow standing between two of the Death Eaters, tightly bound and gagged.

'Dad!' He tried to move but felt himself held back by an invisible force. 'Let him go!'

Voldemort appeared not to hear as he paced elegantly between them. 'You see, Remus, I have ways of convincing people, but in the end, the choice is always left for them to make.' He licked his lips, forked tounge peeking out only slightly. 'Free will is very important when it comes to decision making, but your father seems to always make them for you. Do not worry. He will not be harmed.' He smiled nastily, revealing a different intent. 'All you have to do is listen.'

Remus eyed his father who had stopped struggling against his bonds to look back at his son, trusting him. 'If I do, will you let him go?'

Voldemort linked his fingers together. 'You're the first of your kind, Remus, to hold magical ability to such an extent - a combination of your own Dark Magic and one that you are naturally born with as a wizard. I'm sure you know that.' He did not wait for an answer to continue. 'What is it that you want, Remus? What is it that all your kind wants?'

 _Freedom,_  thought Remus. It was all that he wanted right now.

'Freedom,' repeated Voldemort as if reading into his thoughts. 'And you have the potential to give these werewolves what they rightfully deserve. What they were supposed to be born with but were denied by wizards who think they are higher mortals. You, Remus, could lead them to a better future.'

He'd heard it. He'd heard it a thousand times and it had been believable at first, but Remus had learned through trial and error. He knew these were simply words made to manipulate his mind. Voldemort was telling him what he wanted to hear, not what was real. His words were deceit, hand in hand with a lie – the wolf could smell it and the human could see it.  _Leglimency_ , Remus realised,  _like Dumbledore_. Voldemort was using it to read into his mind, find out what he truly wanted and block out any possible means of escape.

Slowly, Remus began to concentrate on shutting down his thoughts. They'd learnt the basics of Occlumency in their seventh year, but Remus had known it better than anyone in his class - except Snape - and he had his father to thank. 'They'd be hunted down irrespective,' Remus said slowly, trying to buy time. 'My magical powers won't suffice against an army of Ministry Officials.'

Voldemort blinked lazily and smiled. 'It will if you have Lord Voldemort by your side. Therefore, I ask you to join me.'

Remus prepared himself for any sort of blow that might come as he replied in a single word:  _'No._ '

Voldemort shrugged. 'It is your decision.' He turned to the Death Eaters and Remus was sure they were going to kill him. 'Untie the bonds around his mouth.'

John's gag fell to the ground and Remus nearly sighed with relief, when Voldemort whipped his wand in a severe motion and Remus saw more than heard the words  _Crucio!_  form on his lips.

His father screaming was the most horrifying thing he'd ever heard, and Remus struggled desperately to be free of the spell binding him. 'Stop it!' He screamed, blood rushing to his face, making it burn with rage and desperation. 'Stop it!'

Voldemort took away his wand and watched with sick satisfaction as John tried to catch his breath. 'I'll never understand this…this… _emotion_ …' He waved his hand around airily. 'What do you call it again?  _Love_ , is it?' He chuckled to himself, tracing irrelevant patterns in the air with his wand. 'Tell me Remus, what hurts more? When I inflict pain on you –  _Crucio!_ '

The spell hit at the blink of an eye and  _oh god!_   _Not again!_ His mind and body screamed in excruciating pain. There was no blood, but there were red spots forming behind his eyelids, his fists clenching till his nails drew blood from his palm, bitter bile rising in his throat.

And then it stopped and Remus never felt this wonderful his entire life…

Voldemort smiled as Remus's body sagged. 'Or is it more agonising to watch a loved one go through the same pain –  _Crucio_!'

John was screaming again, and it rang in Remus's ears like a bad dream, echoing louder with every passing second. He felt a pull of desperation, a fist clench at his heart, and when the first few tears started leaking out of his father's eyes, Remus felt the corner of his own eyes sting hotly. He would do anything… _anything_ to make them stop, as long as they didn't kill him; as long as he didn't have to watch his father go through so much pain...

'Stop!' screamed Remus finally, his resolve crumbling. 'Please, what do you want?'

Voldemort laughed and pocketed his wand. 'What I want Remus, is the world at my feet.' He glided towards Remus, lips brushing his ear as he whispered the last of his sentence. 'But from you…just one word.'

'Don't you dare, Remus!' John panted out, despite the pain he was in. 'You hear me, don't you  _fucking_  dare!'

Voldemort rolled his eyes exasperatedly and muttered a silent  _Crucio!_  against Remus's ears.' Quite a fighter, your old man,' he said, delighting in the screams that echoed throughout the streets.

Remus was close to tears now, and he closed his eyes unable to watch his father – the same man he'd thought invincible a writhing mass of pain. It hurt too much and he briefly wondered why no one was coming to help them. Surely, no one could stay awake through all that screaming. 'Stop,' he whispered slowly, and he would have fallen to his knees if it hadn't been for the binding spell. 'Just stop, I'm begging you.'

'Your choices are simple, Remus – black and white. If you say no, you leave your father in pain, perhaps even death...' Voldemort's wand lowered and Remus found himself breathing again. 'You say yes, I will guarantee the life you and your family has always wanted. You will have Lord Voldemort's protection and his word.'

Remus stared at John for a long time. He wanted to say yes, fuck, he wanted to say yes because he was sure he wouldn't survive another Crucio to his father. But he also knew how disappointed John would be; how much hatred John had for the Dark Arts. Most of all, he knew that John would rather die than have Remus convert to the other side.

'No,' he said firmly, head falling to his chest.

Instantly, Remus found himself falling to the ground. The body bind had been withdrawn and his body felt stiff from disuse.

Voldemort shook his head sadly. 'Then I have no purpose here. I have mentioned before, Remus that I believe in free will. By my own rules, this is the part where I leave you free to your own devices. Have it known that your defeat is unavoidable when you're fighting for Dumbledore. You are a pawn in his game while you are a king in mine.' He turned towards Greyback, who had been an uncharacteristically silent observer of the show all this time. So silent that Remus had almost forgotten about him. 'However, my friend, Fenrir has been of the utmost service to me, and I cannot deny him a favour. You see, Remus, Fenrir has opened his world to you as a father, a guide, but you have turned your back on him.'

Remus couldn't be bothered to listen to Voldemort. The Death Eaters had let John go and Remus rushed to help him before he fell and injured himself any further.

'You are now a potential threat to his  _noble_  work.'

'Are you okay?' asked Remus quietly and breathed a small sigh of relief when his father smiled and clung on to him hard. 'I thought-'

'I'm proud of you,' interrupted John.

'So I can do nothing but leave him to you to decide a suitable punishment.' Voldemort smiled cold-heartedly. 'Goodbye, Remus. Give my regards to my dead father.'

It was the last declaration that caught Remus's attention and it took a while for him to register the true meaning of Voldemort's words. By then, Voldemort had already vanished and Greyback had sprung on him. Greyback's attack came as such a surprise that Remus promptly let go of his father, reeling back and falling down on his back.

'Remus!'

Remus screamed more out of surprise than pain, when Greyback sunk his teeth deep into Remus's shoulder - exactly where he'd bitten before. The wound opened and blood gushed out, staining Greyback's teeth and making him look even more maniacal. The old werewolf was  _feeding_  on the wound, sucking and biting, and Remus pushed him off in fear; but he clung. He clung, sharp nails dragging across his skin and digging into his flesh. He clung despite Remus punching and kicking at him frantically.

Remus could hear his father shouting through his own screams, and he knew in his mind that John was trying his best to just stand and help him. 'Get off my son, you motherfucker! Get the fuck off him! Remus!'

Even the Death Eaters just stood there, flabbergastered, watching with sick fascination as Fenrir tore at him like an animal. Remus's eyes rolled to the back of his head in pain and only through that haze did he realise that one of the Death Eaters had been looking directly at him. His eyes met with black glittering ones, filled with disgust and apathy, and Remus knew he'd seen them before; but his mind was too caught up in pain, as Fenrir clawed into him ferociously, eating at his flesh.

Remus screamed and screamed, almost giving up fighting, when he felt himself being pulled away by a larger force, Fenrir's nails dragging cuts across his skin in the process. He met the Death Eater's dark, intense gaze, before let his eyes fall shut. For the second time that day, Remus's head collided with a wall, followed by a sickening crack. He fell to the ground with such impact that he was sure he'd broken a rib. He could feel cool wetness creeping down his hair and neck, could even hear the sounds of it dripping on to the pavement.

He didn't want to move, he couldn't if he wanted to. He just wanted to die. Die and end it now.

'That's enough Greyback,' said a cold voice, and he knew it belonged to that Death Eater, because like his eyes, even his voice felt familiar. Remus tried to remember, but it hurt too much and he stopped, feeling disoriented and confused. 'Your displays are disgusting and futile. It is a well known fact that magic can cause a lot more pain.'

Remus opened his eyes but only saw a tornado of colours all blurring together. He blinked rapidly, trying to focus. The world righted itself for awhile and Remus saw the Death Eater raise his wand and his eyes promptly fell shut again. He didn't think he could survive another  _Crucio_  but prepared himself for it nevertheless. Maybe this time he would get lucky, maybe this time the pain would kill him.

' _Crucio!'_

He waited patiently for the pain but when nothing came, he opened his eyes in confusion and was met with his father's blue irises.

'Remus,' John wheezed out. Had his father taken the blow instead? 'Remus, I need your help…' John looked up and Remus saw the outlines of a weak  _Protego_  around them, just enough to keep the worst of the spell away. 'Remus, can you hear me?'

Remus stared as the protection shield shimmered when another  _Crucio_  spell hit and despite his daze, he knew this was a hoax. John was too weak to cast a strong enough shield for the spell to completely reflect, especially if it was strongly intended to cause pain. That Death Eater was helping them, buying them time and using their  _Protego_  as an excuse to not hurt them.

'Remus, focus!' His dad shook his shoulders and Remus's whole world shook out of center. 'I'm going to combine our magic to send for help, okay? Give me your hand.'

Half understanding, Remus let his father hold both his hands tightly. Things were getting groggier now, his vision pulling in and out of focus. There was a slight pulling sensation in the middle of his chest, and Remus was about to let his eyelids drop from exhaustion when he felt the pain. It wasn't as bad as the  _Crucio_  but excruciating just the same. He felt as if his soul was being pulled out of his body by hook and thread, and he tried to pull his hands back, but John kept a tight hold.

'Dad, it hurts,' he cried almost childishly, still fighting to get free. Why was his father hurting him too? What did he do wrong?

'I know. I'm sorry,' said John squeezing his hands tightly in reassurance. 'It'll be over soon, but before that can you do your old man a favour? Can you think of happy memories? Can you do that, lad? As many as you want.'

It wasn't hard to think of happy memories, not really. His mind was already reeling haphazardly; shifting from one thought to another. He'd already lost control of most of his body, at least he thought so, but what did he know? Maybe he never had control in the first place. Maybe this wasn't his body? Was it possible to have your mind in one place and your body in another?

'Remus, please!'

Remus's mind was playing a movie now but it was horribly edited. There was no organisation at all. It kept switching from the past to the present, sometimes even the future, or at least, what he dreamt of sometimes as the future. They would never really happen, his mind had told him that many times.

He saw _the first time he'd ridden a two-wheeler without falling_

_Sirius holding him after sex, stroking his hair lovingly and placing the softest kisses on his temple._

_He and his father shopping for supplies for his first year in Hogwarts._

_The Marauders changing back from their Animagus forms – Wormtail, Prongs, Padfoot, and him – Moony. He liked that name, though he'd never admit it._

_Biting into his mother's chocolate chip cookies after a grueling transformation. They were his favourite._

'Remus, say it with me okay? _Expecto Patronum_.'

_Aunt Nash pretending to scold the stairs after he'd fallen off them and scraped his knees. She always made him laugh and he loved her a lot, even if she was a bit mad._

_James and Peter telling Remus they didn't care if he was werewolf._

'Remus! I need you to concentrate!'

_Remus was six and he'd just come back from the hospital, and daddy was always screaming. Not screaming at him, but about him, and Remus hated it._

'Remus.' John was squeezing his hands painfully tight now, and Remus blinked.

He was back on the hard pavement and his father's dirt streaked face faded in and out. His father needed help, he concluded. Remus would help him, that's what he'd do.  _'Expecto Patronum,_ ' they chorused together and it hurt so much that he didn't want to do it again.

John urged him to repeat it, again and again, and with every incantation, Remus's world got a little darker. The pain hadn't decreased but suddenly, he didn't have the energy to care anymore. He didn't want to do this anymore and he wished they would just stop. His head felt woozy, it refused to work; his body had already shut down a long time ago under all that pressure.

' _Expecto Patronum.'_

The little vision he had disappeared completely, and a small bubble panic welled up in Remus chest as blindness overtook him. 'Dad, I can't see…' He didn't even want to talk anymore. It took too much out of him. Just breathing seemed like a feat now.

One of his father's hands untangled from his and stroked his sweat and blood soaked hair. 'Just one last time and I promise, it'll be over. Just one more, please.'

Remus wanted to nod but gave up in the end when his neck refused to respond to his brain. He took a deep breath and mustered up the last of his strength.

' _EXPECTO PATRONUM!'_

Pain, unbearable pain, and Remus would have screamed if he had any force left in him. He could feel his conscious slipping away, and he struggled to gain control. His father needed his help and he wanted to. Wanted to protect him so bad, but he couldn't even see, couldn't understand what was going on.

'Dad,' he whispered, every word costing him his breath. 'I can't-'

John let go of his hands and pulled him closer until Remus's head was lying on his chest. 'I know. It's okay…it's over.' There were hands smoothing out his hair; a comforting warmth making him drowsy. 'Sleep if you have to. I'm here, lad, I'm here.'

Remus surrendered to the soft murmurings of his father and let the last of his conscious slide. The last thing he felt was the slight brush of feathers against his cheek.

* * *

 


	28. Consciousness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**First Street Patrol, 1979** _

James kicked an empty cola can across the street, sighing irritably. This was absolutely not his idea of a mission, patrol or not. He'd expected a little more excitement, maybe a couple of bad guys (robbers, thieves, hijackers, anything!). After all, he was with Alastor Moody – the man all Death Eaters and a couple of Ministry officials wanted out of their way. Unfortunately, Moody even managed to scare away the garden squirrels that James had been hoping would launch on them, with his incessant talk about-

'Constant vigilance, my boy!' Moody exclaimed, his blue eye moving rapidly. That's what I tell your friend, Black, and all the other trainees!'

James inwardly recited the next few lines out of Moody's speech. He'd heard it at least five times in the same hour.

'The enemy knows no limits. He will attack anyone, anywhere and anytime.'

James rolled his eyes. He looked up at the moon and grinned. It would be full moon in two days, and they were going to let Moony out in the open for once instead of that dingy old basement in their building where Moony always tore himself apart. They'd discovered a nice desolate area outside the city that was perfect for a werewolf – open and close to nature.

'Why, I remember my first day on the job. I was-'

Suddenly, James's eyes caught something silvery up in the sky, and he raised his wand to get a better look. It looked like some kind of bird a falcon perhaps?

'What is that?' James asked, more to himself than Moody. He'd never seen a bird like it.

Moody stopped his rant and followed James's gaze. Instantly, he brought himself in front of black haired boy, covering and protecting him from any harm. James growled in frustration but said nothing and kept his wand ready. The bird didn't look dangerous by any means, but it was usually the most peaceful of things that turned out to be the most lethal.

'It's a Patronus,' Moody whispered, once the bird had gotten closer. He bent his right arm, allowing shimmering white talons to wrap around it.

It was a falcon, James realised. He recognised its markings from his Muggle Studies class. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen – sleek silver feathers that shone purer than the moon, sharp, attentive eyes and the proud, majestic stature of a true hunter. But as its head bent down to whisper in Moody's ear, James noticed that it was flickering, fading in and out in certain places. Whoever had produced it either hadn't used a very happy memory or wasn't being able to hold on to his magic very well.

Moody's eye rolled dangerously in its socket and his grip on his wand tightened, as the falcon finished its message and dissolved into the night air. 'Potter!' he growled, '15th - now!'

James eyes widened. 'Isn't that where-'

But Moody had already apparated, and James had no choice but to follow. He closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he could, trying to quell the panic that was slowly rising up his throat. He found himself appearing in a dimly lit street, stretching to full height with a loud crack and an unexpected crunch under his feet. He looked down to see the remains of what appeared to be two wands broken to splinters beneath his right foot; and with a sickening feeling he realised, one of them – the deep maroon- was Remus's.

He heard Moody bark angrily, 'Motherfuckers escaped!'

There was a dome of sorts a few blocks away, seemingly made out of the same silvery material as the Patronus. James ran towards it, heart beating fast as his wand light revealed two figures slumped beneath it. The shield appeared to be disappearing as he got closer, and it wasn't until he'd collided into it with full force that he realised it was a  _Protego_  and likely to be transparent.

'Shit! Mr Lupin!'

John Lupin was lying flat on his stomach, his son shielded partly beneath him. Remus's face was pressed tightly to his father's chest, a protective arm wrapped around him. Both their blood stained hair spilled to the ground, covering most of their faces and making it impossible for James to know if they were conscious or even alive.

_Were they breathing? Oh God, was Remus breathing?_

James pressed his palms against the  _Protego,_ the magic holding it crackling dangerously where his skin made contact. The shield itself was weak but stable enough to keep entire bodies out. 'Mr. Lupin, let your shield down!' There was no response and James banged his fist against the shield with desperation, sending out golden sparks. 'Mr. Lupin!'

There was slight movement as John Lupin shifted his shoulders to look up and James nearly sighed in relief.

'Mr. Lupin, your-aaahhhh!' James screamed in horror as Mr. Lupin's face rose up to meet his. The irises of John's eyes had gone white, almost silver, and distinguishable from the whites of his eyes only by the dark blue border around them. 'Oh, Merlin!'

James could hear footsteps running towards him, Moody, no doubt, probably expecting trouble after hearing his scream. James pushed his terror down and tried to meet Mr. Lupin's eyes without having bile rising up his throat.

'Mr. Lupin, let go of your  _Protego_ ,' said James, his heart trying to beat holes through his chest.

But John didn't seem to recognise him at all. In fact, he was looking right through James. Could he see at all? Except for the slight rise and fall of his chest, John hardly even seemed to be moving.

'Potter, pull that shield down! They could be dying in there!' growled Moody, his wooden leg echoing noisily in the otherwise silent streets.

James turned away from John Lupin's empty gaze. 'I can't,' he replied desperately, putting his hand over Moody's wand as well. 'They're using wandless magic! If I pull it down, it'll hurt them!'

Moody touched the shield with a calloused finger, watching the rainbow of colours that appeared under the pressure. 'Son of a bitch…' His fake eye rolled on its own accord, inspecting the shield and its surrounding. 'It's not even; it's thinner in some places - to the back…' Moody's brow furrowed. 'The shield's weaker there. We might be able to get in.'

James nodded, walking around the circumference of the shield with his palms pressed tightly against the surface. He could see one of Remus's legs bent at an odd angle underneath Mr. Lupin and hurried his pace. True to word, there was a gap in the shield, and James felt himself sliding through it easily, immediately followed by Mad-Eye Moody.

'I'll take John,' grunted Moody, as he hooked his arms under Mr. Lupin's arms and lifted him off the ground. A soft whimper of pain escaped John's lips as his eyes slid shut, a bit to James's relief. 'You take the cub. Mungo's, and don't waste time.'

James nodded, distracted only for a moment as the  _Protego_  shimmered unsteadily and then disappeared completely. He kneeled down and pulled Remus against him. He was unusually light, James realised. Had he always been this way? James didn't have time to worry over how every inch of Remus's face was covered by blood and dirt, or how his every breath came out as shallow rasps – there wasn't any time. He tightened his arms around his friend and apparated.

When he reached Mungo's, there was already a group of five Medi-witches attending to Mr. Lupin, checking his pulse and other vitals as they levitated him to what James guessed was the Critical Ward.

'I'm going to Dumbledore's,' James heard Moody say before he disappeared with a crack.

James couldn't care less where Moody was going; his friend's life was slowly waning as they stood. 'Can someone please help me?' James called desperately, his eyes darting around for help. He pulled Remus closer to him as his friend's limp body threatened to slip from in between his arms. 'Hurry!' He screamed, even though he could already see two Medi-witches running towards him.

One of the Medi-witches – the dumpier one – pushed away Remus's matted hair from his neck to check for a pulse and froze instantly. 'Sir, your friend is a werewolf,' she stated, fingering the registry code at the nape of Remus's neck. James stared; the code was hidden so often with Remus's long hair that James had even forgotten it existed.

'I know he's a werewolf, ' James said, his throat going dry. He could feel a steady stream of wetness soaking his shirt where he held Remus's head; and he didn't have to look down to know it was blood. 'But he was atta-'

'Do you have its forms, sir?' the Medi-witch interrupted, her tone harsher than it had started out.

James could feel Remus's heart slowing down against his chest, and his own quickened with panic and desperation. 'No, I don't have any of his forms. Please, I just came in, and he was attacked and I-'

The Medi-witch raised a silencing hand. 'Sir, I need its forms. It's standard medical procedure. We're not allowed to treat dangerous magical creatures without them.'

James didn't know what forms they were talking about. He didn't know what forms Remus needed to save his life. Oh God, even if he apparated back to Sirius's flat to get them, he'd never make it on time. What if they left him here to die? They couldn't. Surely, they had better understanding of life than that. 'I-I'll get them, I swear. Can you please take him in…I don't know how long he's been like this. I'll run to his place and get whatever you need. Please-'

The nurse closed her eyes in frustration, clearly not interested in James's explanation. 'Sir, I understand your situation, but we cannot break Ministry rules. The hospital can get into trouble-'

'I DON"T CARE!' James screamed suddenly, unable to believe what was happening. 'HE'S DYING, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?' His voice cracked and he held Remus tighter, praying to all the Gods to help him,  _please help him_. 'HE'S DYING AND YOU'RE LETTING HIM!'

The Medi-witch backed away warily. 'Sir, please, calm-'

'What's going on in here?' another voice interrupted, and James could see a Healer push through the crowd that had gathered around them. The crowd that was simply watching but doing nothing, saying nothing, offering no help at all. Just watching as a completely innocent man bled to death on the hospital floor.

The Medi-witch turned towards the Healer. 'The patient's a werewolf, Healer Greene and as you well know, we cannot accept it withou-'

Greene waved her off with a hand. 'Take him in to Ward Ten. Get started on the surface spells - stop the bleeding. I'll meet you there in a minute.'

'But the hospital-'

Greene turned towards her, his eyes glaring at her with fiery intensity. 'I make the decisions here, my dear, and if you don't follow my orders, I  _will_  report you.'

The Medi-witch fell silent. She gestured a few more to help her and together, they reluctantly peeled Remus away from James and levitated him away. James watched silently, telling his heart that things were going to be all right now. Remus was going to be fine - he was going to be alive and this Healer had helped them. He'd helped them when no one would and for this, James was eternally grateful.

'Are you family?'

James startled at the Healer's question but nodded firmly.

Greene looked grave but convinced. 'I need you to contact Natasha Lupin immediately. Tell her Remus is in Mungo's and that she'll also need to contact Lionel White. She'll know what you're talking about.'

James listened dumbly, not even bothering to ask how the Healer knew Remus or his aunt.

'Use the floo on the second floor. It'll be free at this time.' Greene turned to go, but James grabbed him by the shoulder for one last question.

'Will Remus be okay?'

Greene smiled. 'The Lupins are a strong breed. I'm sure he'll manage.'

James nodded but didn't stay long enough to watch Healer Greene go to Ward ten. Instead, he ran to the second floor and flooed to the Lupin cottage. Luck was favouring him today because he'd found Natasha Lupin drinking tea with Remus's mother and narrated both the day's events and the healer's instructions precisely. Natasha told him that she'd take care of the rest, while Mrs. Lupin burst into silent tears, thanking him profusely and asking him frantically if everyone was all right and if she could see them now. James had very few words of assurance.

By the time he was done, James was completely drained out of energy and the will to repeat everything all over again to Sirius and Peter. Instead, he sent an owl to both of them, somehow managing to write down only four words:  _Remus is at Mungo's._

For the next fifteen minutes, James sat on the cold, hard bench outside ward ten, with his face in his hands and a prayer on his lips. He still had a hard time believing everything that had happened. It had been their first mission. Their first mission and already they were being attacked. The realisation that the Order might not always be about excitement and adventures were staring to sink in and James found it hard to believe that his ideas had been so juvenile. Had he really thought Voldemort was a game? That everything the Order fought for was to be taken this lightly?

And Remus…

 _Oh God_ , he'd thought Remus was going to die. For that one small moment, when James had had his best friend in his arms, and they were refusing him treatment, he was sure Remus was going to die. The werewolf had told them about his hardships, the rules of the Ministry, and James knew a lot of them from long hours of research in the school library; but he'd never thought it would come to  _this_. Where they were willing to give up a completely innocent life over a few fucking words written on paper. They'd referred to him as 'it', as a thing. James had seen that Medi-witch's expression – how uncaring and full of contempt her face had been.

There was a wet sting at the corner of his eyes, and James pushed the heels of his hands against them. The image of Remus's shattered body was plastered to the back of his mind, and he desperately tried to rid of it. He sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

'Prongs?'

James looked up to see Sirius staring at him and wheezing as if he'd run all the way here. Sirius's eyes moved from his face to his shirt and settled there, taking in the enormous bloodstain with horror.

'Is he okay? Is he alright?' Sirius rasped out, his gaze still fixed on James's shirt. His breathing seemed to quicken. 'Please tell me he's alright.'

James nodded, unable to say anything in fear of the dam that was threatening to break inside him.

'Oh Merlin!' Sirius pulled James into a tight embrace, panting against his neck heavily and clutching at the back of his shirt. 'Thank you,' he breathed. 'Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.'

'I thought he was going to die,' whispered James, finally able to find his voice. He pressed his eyes against Sirius's shoulder, ashamed as he left a small wet patch on his friend's shirt. But Sirius had no idea. He hadn't seen Remus the way James had. He hadn't been there, holding Remus while everybody was too afraid to even come near them. He hadn't been there. He didn't know anything.

'Don't say that,' whispered Sirius, disentangling from James. He sat on the chair next to where James had been sitting. 'Tell me what happened.'

James shook his head, as he settled beside Sirius. 'Maybe later.' He doubted if he could recount it at all in the near future.

Sirius looked at him for a while and then nodded. He didn't ask any questions after that and both of them sat in silence until Healer Greene had approached them with a smile on his face.

* * *

 

Remus could hear Sirius's voice somewhere close by and smiled. He didn't feel like opening his eyes really; it felt like it would hurt too much. Already there was a steady throb at the back of his head that he really didn't appreciate, especially since the transformation wasn't until a couple of days. Perhaps Sirius would lie beside him and stroke his hair comfortingly, like he always did when Remus refused to get up. Another smile stretched across his face at the thought, and he turned to his side to snuggle deeper into the pillow.

His eyes instantly shot open in pain, and he barely muffled the whimper that escaped from his lips. He saw red behind his eyelids and his brain screamed to move, but he couldn't because it would hurt even more if he did.

'Remus!' He felt Sirius's hands at his sides, slowly laying him on his back again. Remus opened his eyes slowly to meet with Sirius's anxious expression. 'How do you feel?'

Remus groaned and buried his face in Sirius's shirt. 'Like I've been run over by a bus.'

'That's quite good considering what you've been through,' said another voice, and Remus looked up from Sirius's shirt to see a Healer standing beside his bed. 'It's been a while since I've seen you, Remus. I don't expect you to remember me. I'm-'

'Healer Greene.' Remus smiled, remembering Mungo's after his initial bite. 'My dad broke a few of your teeth and my aunt threatened to sue you from hell and back. How could I forget?'

Greene smiled abashedly. 'Well, I was a bit foolish and insensitive then. I don't completely blame them.' He shrugged a little. 'You were always a bit of a miracle, even now.'

Remus frowned and looked around him, taking the pristine white walls and the clean scent of antiseptic. 'How did I get here?'

'James and Moody brought you in after they received your Patronus,' replied Sirius slowly.

Remus remembered the soft brush of feathers against him and shivered as the rest of the night's events started playing in flashes before his eyes. He felt Sirius's hand slide between his underneath the sheets. It said,  _I worried about you_ , and Remus squeezed back reassuringly, though he himself felt a bit at unease.

'James and Peter are in the tearoom with your mother,' whispered Sirius. 'They'll want to visit you when they know you're awake.'

Remus nodded but stiffened immediately when he felt Healer Green's hand on his wrist. 'I'm going to have to check your pulse, Remus. You had a lot on you when they brought you in.'

Remus didn't hear much of what Greene said, not really. He was concentrating too hard on the fingers on his wrist and the panic that was slowly welling up inside of him at the sight.

'Broken ribs, dislocated leg, head injury…'

Why was he holding so tight? Did they want to hurt him? To block his pulse, to move up to his throat, to strangle him; Remus saw flashes of his own blood pooling on the ground, seeping through his shirt…

'Mr. Black, as a roommate, I want you to make sure Remus doesn't perform any sort of magic for a week or so. Not even simple household spells.'

Remus's breathing quickened and his heart beat at a furious rate. His mind was screaming for him to move. To  _move_  and run.  _Run_ before those hands hurt him.  _Run_  before they pressed a wand against him and threatened to kill him. To fight back, to claw, to rip before they could do  _anything_.

'He needs time to recuperate his magic. Right now, even  _Lumos_  can leave him drained of energy.'

Remus squeezed Sirius's hand painfully tight. Why wasn't he doing anything? Was he in this, too? Were the both trying to corner him, to chain him to the bed, or confine him to this white room forever? The muscles in his wrist spasmed under Greene's fingers and Remus itched to move away, but fear kept him still. Fear of what might happen if he  _did_  move…

'Remus, are you okay?'

Remus looked up to see Healer Greene's blue eyes boring into him. He tried to nod but all he could see were flashes of last night – white masks, red eyes, sharp teeth. The scar on his shoulder, now fresh, throbbed dully. Was it bleeding? Greene looked at him questioningly and followed his gaze as Remus looked back down at the wrist he was holding. The Healer immediately let his fingers slip as if understanding and Remus breathed a sigh of relief.

'Remus?' asked Sirius, shaking him slightly by the shoulder.

Remus looked at Sirius and smiled as if nothing had happened. 'Where's my dad? Is he okay?'

Sirius shifted his gaze towards Healer Greene, adamantly not looking at Remus. Greene cleared his throat and looked at the clipboard he'd been carrying. 'Your father broke his back, Remus. Apart from that, he didn't really have any major physical injuries.'

Remus nodded. 'I know. The De-' He stopped. The Order was a private group. He didn't think it would be wise to let out information about the attack.

'But if I'm not mistaken, he used wandless magic to produce a Patronus and a  _Protego_.'

Was Greene allowed to know so many details about the attack? Remus met Sirius's eyes questioningly and was replied by a nod.

Green sat at the foot of Remus's bed. 'Wandless magic is very complicated, Remus. The ability to perform them grows with age but sometimes, even wizards as old as Dumbledore have trouble with it.' He shifted uncomfortably under Remus's enquiring gaze. 'See, when a wizard is using his wand, he's combining and channeling his magic through the core of his wand, which basically acts as a neutraliser between the spell performed and the magic used. But in wandless, the spell drains out the magic in his body in order to be truly effective.'

Remus remembered that painful pulling sensation when his father had linked their hands. 'Dad used blood magic also. He combined his magic with mine, I remember.'

'Only for the Patronus, Moony,' said Sirius slowly.

Greene nodded. 'It's why you feel so weak right now. Always bear in mind, that the magic in a wizard's blood is what keeps him alive, even after their muggle counterparts are long gone. You were close, Remus. If they'd arrived with you even fifteen minutes later, you wouldn't be here right now.'

Remus swallowed thickly. He'd already figured it out. He'd figured everything out a long time ago when he'd seen both their expressions, but had kept them going to delay it, maybe even to deny it.

'The  _Protego_  used up the last vestiges of your father's magic, Remus. He was dead when he reached Mungo's.'

Remus didn't talk, didn't move, didn't cry; in fact, he did absolutely nothing. Vaguely, he heard Healer Greene walk out of the room and close the door behind him. Sirius might have been talking to him, Remus didn't know. He felt his friend lie beside him under the sheets and stroke his hair softly. Somehow, it didn't seem that comforting anymore.

* * *

 


	29. Funeral for a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**John Lupin's Funeral, 1979** _

Sirius watched Remus from a few seats behind, comforting his mother and aunt with soothing touches. Remus wasn't speaking much; Sirius doubted he knew what to say anyway, but there were occasions when Sirius saw his lips form  _'it's okay'_ and  _'I'm sorry'_ but mostly, _'I'm here'._

Delilah Lupin seemed to have taken her husband's death the hardest among all the Lupins. She had been crying since the start of the funeral (perhaps before, Sirius couldn't tell), only quieting down slightly when Remus had had wordlessly gotten up from his seat beside Sirius and sat with her instead.

He never let her touch him.

' _I should notify you, Mr. Black, Remus might have Post Traumatic Stress. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but the way he reacted to-' Healer Greene shook his head. 'He might need help, I can't tell yet.'_

_Sirius looked at Healer Greene, obvious confusion in his eyes. 'I'm not sure I understand'_

' _Well, he's probably going to react a bit violently to anything that reminds him of last night's events. It can be anything – a wand, maybe certain pictures or situations, even touch.'_

' _Touch?'_

_Healer Greene nodded solemnly. 'When I was taking his pulse…I don't think you noticed, but he was having quite a breakdown in there.'_

_No, Sirius hadn't noticed it at all._

' _It might be only strangers or people he's not familiar with, like me or maybe a Medi-witch. He might not react to you or any of his other friends, his mother. I can't tell yet…we'll have to just watch and see.'_

_Sirius nodded as if he understood, but his brain was suddenly feeling overwhelmed. 'What do you suggest I do?'_

_Healer Greene looked thoughtful for a moment. 'He might want to be in charge of particular things to feel in control – let him. Show him he can trust you.' The frown lines of his forehead grew deeper. 'Try to introduce him to crowded or public places little by little, until he feels safe amongst them. If the trauma is mild, he'll have healed by himself. If not, you might have to bring him back here.'_

'He's so brave,' Peter said suddenly, breaking Sirius out of his reverie.

Both Sirius and James turned to look at Peter, who was still gazing at Remus in awe and an expression that Sirius thought looked a lot like guilt. Or maybe it was pity. Sirius couldn't really tell that well when it came to his small friend.

Peter turned away. 'I mean, if it had been me, I would have completely broken down. I-I wouldn't have been able to stand there like that…'

Sirius looked down at his shoes, staring fixedly at the smidgeon of dirt on the side.

Remus  _was_  brave, the bravest person he knew. After he'd heard the news of his father's death, Remus hadn't cried a single tear. It was worrying at first, the silent shock that he'd gone through; the expressionless face that had settled for nearly four hours. Yet, once his mother and aunt had come down to visit, Remus had recovered and immediately started to take charge of the situation; insisting on being let out of the hospital to start arranging for the funeral. When the Marauders had offered their help, he had refused and taking the doctor's advice, they had let him handle it on his own.

Lily thought it was because Remus needed a sort of closure. James thought it was because Remus blamed himself for the situation. Peter thought Remus was some kind of hero to have survived with sound mind and body. Sirius? Sirius didn't know what to think; mostly, he thought Remus was unpredictable.

'He doing what he thinks he has to,' James said slowly, watching Remus through the corner of his eyes with a mixture of sympathy and respect. 'His aunt and mother…they can't do anything, not right now…so he took charge…'

_After the conversation with Healer Greene, Sirius had, if possible, even become more observant of Remus. Up until then, he had never noticed how Remus had reacted to the people around them or to anything in particular. He'd been too concerned with Remus's calm and wary of his lack of significant reaction._

_Remus didn't have a problem with crowds in general, nothing that Sirius could see at least. He was himself mostly; perhaps a little quieter. He didn't talk unless he needed to. However, Sirius had noted that, yes, Remus didn't like being touched. He'd noticed how Remus's breathing had sped up when James had pulled him in for a hug; how his eyes had shifted as if trying to find a form of escape when his mother had come too close; how his had fists clenched and unclenched as if battling with himself on whether he should attack or not when Peter had clapped him on the back sympathetically. His reactions were so apparent that Sirius was surprised he hadn't noticed them before._

_Yet, when Sirius had unthinkingly stroked Remus's hair and pulled him into a light embrace, Remus hadn't acted out of the ordinary at all._

'Will Remus be staying with his mother tonight?' asked James, trying to bring the conversation to a lighter tone.

Sirius shrugged. 'Can't tell. We haven't really talked about it.'

James sighed. 'Has he talked at all?'

Sirius swallowed. 'Not from the usual pleasantries, no, but Greene said it's not shock or anything. He's choosing not to talk because he doesn't want to.'

'Is that any better?'

'No.'

_It took a lot of thinking for Sirius to finally figure out why he was the only person Remus didn't react adversely to._

_Remus could_ _**feel** _ _him._

_Remus knew when Sirius was coming; knew when Sirius was in the room; knew when Sirius was going to touch him. It was something Sirius had never been able to fully understand, and Remus had never been able to explain. It was just a special sort of bond they shared, something sacred, if you wanted to be romantic about it_

_Sirius didn't tell the others about it. Somehow, he doubted they'd be able to understand either._

They heard the dull clunking of Moody's wooden foot, before his voice. 'Potter, Black,' he growled from behind them. He looked around suspiciously before leaning down closer to their ears. 'I need men at the site.'

'We'll report tomorrow morning.'

'That's very generous of you, Potter, but I need you now.'

'No,' both James and Sirius chorused. 'Remus needs-'

'-this investigation to be thorough,' finished Moody with an irritated growl. 'Greyback isn't going to stop after this one attack, especially now that he's with Voldemort. We need to prove he's guilty, and we need to do it as quick as we can, am I understood?'

'What, the large bite wound and saliva on Remus's shoulder isn't proof enough?' Sirius retorted angrily. 'What does the Ministry want, Greyback to fucking come and confess to it?'

'That excuse didn't work twelve years ago, you think it will now, Black?' Moody snarled. 'As far as the Ministry's concerned, there's been no harm done. Remus was already a werewolf. He got another bite, so what?'

Peter seemed to have finally found his voice in the argument. 'B-but Mr. L-Lupin…' he stuttered, as if not sure he wanted to argue with Moody.

'A casualty.' Moody sighed and sat beside them, his face contorting to what was probably an attempt to look sympathetic. 'Look, I won't lie to you. The Ministry's well aware that Greyback attacks once in a while, and they let him because he keeps the worst of them at bay. You can call it a symbiotic relationship, if you will.'

'I'll call it corruption, if you don't mind,' spat James.

'They sent a squad up at the site last night of two people.  _T_ _wo_ fucking people; just to make a show of it and make it to  _Prophet Headlines_. I was there supervising, and I saw how much effort they put into it. Which is why, I'm asking you to come over now, while the muggle police still has the place secured for the Ministry.'

'Take someone else, we're not coming.'

'This is an Order mission and trust me, Black, there are many who are much more qualified than you that I'd rather take. But only a few who have an Auror's license to get in through the bars. The Prewetts are already there.'

James and Sirius met each other's gaze, communicating silently through their eyes.

'Then I'll stay,' said James finally. 'Sirius can go along.'

Moody's blue eye rolled in his socket dangerously. 'Use your brain, Potter. You were the only one actually there when the incident happened.'

Sirius stood up. 'This isn't fair! You're deliberately-'

'I'm doing it for your own good!'

For awhile, it seemed Sirius, James, and Moody were engaged in a staring competition as they glared at each other angrily. Sirius's lips had gone thin and white with rage, while James's fists curled up into a tight ball as if ready for a fight if needed. Neither noticed the outraged looks they were getting from the people around them for disrespecting the Priest.

Finally, Peter broke the silence. 'I'll be here. If he needs anything, and Lily's here too…'

Sirius smiled weakly. 'You sure?'

Peter shrugged. 'Moony's my mate too, you know.'

Sirius nodded, still a little hesitant. 'Yeah, I guess. Just…if I don't show up by seven, take him home for me, okay? And don't let him do any magic; if he has a panic attack or something, just give him some space and he'll calm down. And don't leave him alone, stay with him until I come back, watch the telly or something. And if he asks about me, tell him I'll be back, and-'

Peter's put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'He'll be fine, Padfoot.'

Sirius nodded. 'Right. Of course he will. Thanks, mate.'

Peter never kept his word; he'd had other pressing matters to attend to. He'd stayed for a few extra minutes, only until the Priest had finished his prayer and then left the entire responsibility to Lily with an excuse of having an urgent and unexpected call to attend to.

It wasn't far from the truth. Greyback was a very influential asset, and losing him would be a major drawback that would not be appreciated.

Yet, he couldn't help feeling guilty about the whole affair. He hadn't meant for anyone to get hurt, especially not Remus, who had been a faithful and helpful friend to Peter all his life. He'd never wanted Remus's father to die, he hadn't wanted either of his friends to get involved in any of this; but what choice did he have.

The Dark Lord never took 'no' for an answer. Peter had learnt that from Regulus Black.

* * *

 

'John Lupin will continue to live in our hearts. May his soul rest in peace. Amen.'

Remus stared at the priest in a sort of trance, the words of praise and prayers echoing in his mind. He wondered how the man could go on about how great and brave and wonderful his father was when he had no idea. When he had never met his father or gotten the chance to know him, not like Remus had.

Remus knew and all he wanted to do was to hurl his chair at the priest's head because no one talked about his father like he was just another fucking dead body, just another funeral to conduct.

Despite his violent thoughts, Remus remained passive, sighing heavily when there were twin sobs from his mother and Lily Evans on either side of him.

Lily – the only member of the Marauders who seemed to have stayed, hadn't stopped tailing him since they'd all left and while he appreciated the gesture, he wished she would leave him alone. She cared too much for him and right now, he didn't want it. Didn't want so many eyes looking at him with pity, didn't want all their friends and relatives coming up to him and telling him how much like his father he looked, and he especially didn't need his friends tailing him like he was a child who couldn't handle what was being thrown at him.

He could,  _he could_ ; he was too numb inside to feel anything anyway. He wasn't a child. He could handle this. He could take care of himself and his family without any help. He could fucking  _deal with this,_ and he didn't need any fucking pity from anyone

Remus got up from his chair abruptly, his shaking hands digging into his coat pockets for a fag and lighter.

Lily noticed his movement immediately, made to grab his hand but stopped midway. 'Remus, where are you-?'

Remus popped the fag in his mouth and forced himself to smile. Lily nodded, biting her lip unsurely, and Remus took it as a cue to leave without her following him. He was glad Lily was sensitive enough to understand that Remus just needed a little time alone and a few sticks of nicotine before he could finish this funeral.

He was going to be fine. She, of all people, should know that.

He chose the most desolate place he could find – an old, gnarled tree behind the church that seemed unnaturally green, with occasional pink blossoms peeking out from between its leaves. He leaned against it heavily, panting slightly from the effort of walking the whole way and cursing his weakness.

It was normal, the Healer had said, for him to be wearing out quickly now and that he'd have to tone down his activities a bit until he regained his lost magic. It was aggravating to be so helpless. It made him anxious and frail and angry when Sirius refused him a new wand until he deemed Remus better. He didn't like this; this vulnerability that he felt. What if they came back? What if Greyback wanted to finish the job? What would Remus do then?

Remus shook his head violently in an attempt to banish his thoughts. Sirius had  _assured_  him that everything was safe, that  _he_ was safe. James had told him they were there for him, even Peter had. They were right of course, they always were; and hadn't they always looked after Remus's well being? Remus would just have to trust them and that wasn't too hard, was it?

Closing his eyes, he inhaled the heavy scent of smoke, trying to lose himself to nicotine. As if by magic, he could feel the heat in his blood cooling, his mind relaxing, his worries slipping to the back of his mind. He'd been aching for a fag since the morning but had resisted in order to stay with his mother, who hated the smell.

It was when he was about to take a second drag that he felt the unexpected slap on his face. His eyes snapped open, and his cigarette fell from his mouth, both from the impact and surprise.

'YOU FILTHY LITTLE BEAST!'

Remus's eyes met, for the first time in twelve years, with his grandfather - Christian Lupin's.

'You've finally done it, haven't you? You finally killed my son!'

Christian Lupin looked nothing like the handsome man Remus remembered from when he was a child. Old age had obviously caught up with him, settling themselves in the heavy wrinkles around his eyes and the sags of his skin. His bright amber eyes – the only trait that had passed on to the next generation of Lupins, were now dark with rage as he looked fiercely at Remus.

'Does it make you happy, you fucking murderer? Did it satisfy your bloodlust?'

The second slap was just as startling as the first, and Remus reeled backwards from the impact of it, only the tree behind him preventing him from falling.

A slight hint of panic rose in his throat as his grandfather moved closer to him, invading his personal space and blocking any means of escape there might have been. The man looked murderous, his eyes now boring down on Remus like a predator. Remus's hands moved behind him, searching for a stick, any kind of weapon, but found only air and rough bark.

'I told him! The day he brought you in from the fucking hospital, I told him to put you down, but he never listens! He never listens to me!'

He shook Remus's shoulders with every word, fingers digging painfully into his skin. Remus could feel his throat tightening, his heart hammering warning signals against his chest.  _Get out, get out, get out, get out._  He opened his mouth to scream, to call out for help, anything, but all he managed was a whimper. There was no one around to save him; the gardens were empty save for Remus and his grandfather.

'He chose you over me! Broke off all ties! For you, you animal, for you!'

Christian Lupin's face loomed in front of his, distorting; the colours and contours of his were face mixing, until all Remus could see were masks that looked liked white skulls and eyes that no longer shone.

Remus closed his eyes, tears threatening to fall. They weren't there, he told himself, they weren't there, it was nothing, they weren't there. He was safe.  _He was safe._

But then, the hands on his shoulders moved to his neck and pressed down hard at the pulse points, and Remus's mouth dropped open in a silent scream for air. His eyes opened on their own accord; trees dissolved to dim lampposts, grass became concrete, and amber eyes became blood red and then, all Remus could see were flashes of red light aimed at them and Greyback's soundless laughter.

He was trapped, trapped all over again, and he was going to let his father die again. Not again, not again.

'He wanted to have a child, he wanted to marry a muggle – I never said anything! He never bothered consulting me, but I never protested, not once! But taking you was too far, but he didn't listen! And now look at him! He's dead, you killed him. He's dead because of you!'

Remus's body had gone slack from the lack of oxygen, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. He welcomed the darkness that was threatening to fall; it was better than watching history repeat itself, better than watching his father dying again and again and not being able to do anything about it. He didn't bother struggling against the hands on his neck anymore, his mind in turmoil and his body too exhausted to put up much of a fight

He was going to die in front of the church, in his father's funeral. How ironic.

'GET OFF HIM!'

Only inches from passing out, Remus felt those hands being wrenched off him and he gasped, taking in lungfuls of air. It felt like a relief to be finally able to breathe again, and he clung on to the protruding roots of the tree for support as he slumped to the ground. The world was spinning around him and as his world fell slightly back to focus, he saw his aunt and grandfather locked in a restraining embrace. He hadn't known Aunt Nash to be this strong, yet she was holding her father off of Remus pretty well.

'WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO COME HERE?' screamed Aunt Nash, pushing Christian away from her.

'JOHN WAS MY SON!' Christian retorted, his eyes shining oddly bright. He didn't try to come near Remus anymore, but he was looking at his grandson with disgust and hatred. 'I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE!'

'You remember your son after he's fucking dead! Congrats, dad, you're the epitome of parenting!'

'I always tried to do what's best for all of you, always!'

Aunt Nash snorted. 'Yes, of course, abandon your son for twelve years and then when you finally return, you try to kill your grandson! Thanks a whole fucking lot, dad.'

'That beast killed your brother!'

'You will not refer to him as a-'

'I'll kill him! I'll kill him!'

Natasha suddenly launched herself in front of Remus, even though a part of her knew that her father was too weak minded to try anything. 'You put a finger on him, dad,' she warned, 'one finger, and I swear I won't hesitate.'

Christian shook his head dejectedly, suddenly leaning more on his cane than he'd started out. 'He doesn't care about what happened, Natasha. I watched him, I watched him all throughout the funeral. Not a single tear, not a single expression of sorrow or remorse…he doesn't care.'

'Please go, dad.'

'And he looks like him. He looks like him when he doesn't even deserve to. He has no right to steal his face, to steal his name, to steal his love…'

Nash looked away from him, her eyes focusing on Remus's hands which had gone white from gripping the roots so hard. 'Just go, dad, I'm begging you. Please, just go home, just get away from us.'

Nash didn't bother to see whether her father had heeded to her pleas or not. Instead, she kneeled in front of Remus, whose breathing had finally come back to normal. 'Remoo, sweetheart, you okay?' She reached out a hand to touch his cheek but stopped when she saw Remus flinch.

Remus nodded. 'I want to go home…'

Nash looked at him, worrying her lower lip with her teeth. 'Are you sure you don't want to come back with me and your mother to the cottage.'

'Please…'

'Okay.'

And before Remus could even blink, Nash had grabbed his wrist and apparated to the bedroom of their flat, letting go of him so quickly that he didn't even register her touch. Remus stumbled a little, feeling for the lights and switching them on.'

'I'll just go back and send Lily over. She'll be worried about you.'

Remus shook his head, sitting down on the bed. 'Don't send Lily, please. I don't want…just tell her I'll be fine.'

'I don't think that's wise, Remus. You might-'

Remus massaged his temples. 'I'll be fine, Aunt Nash, I promise. I won't do any magic or anything. I just need to lie down a bit, and I'm just going to feel uncomfortable if I have someone watching over me while I sleep.'

It was only when Remus laid down on the bed and pulled the covers up to his waist that Nash was convinced enough to leave him alone. She adjusted the blankets and tucked them under his chin, being uncharacteristically mothering.

'You take care, you hear?'

Remus didn't say anything, burying himself into the deep recesses of his pillow.

'I love you, Remus. Your father loved you, remember that.'

She disapparated, leaving Remus in a too big bed and a too cold apartment. He closed his eyes tightly and breathed deeply, willing for the sleep to come. He turned to his back, trying to find a comfortable position and then settled down to his side again; but the back of his eyes itched and he finally conceded to the urge to keep them open. He couldn't sleep, it was only seven o'clock. He and Sirius never slept this early. A lot of the times, he'd have work up until eight in the evening.

The restlessness he felt finally got to be too much, and he flung the covers of himself as he got off the bed. He'd take a warm bath, with those perfumed therapeutic bath salts that Lily had gotten them for Christmas. Sirius had discarded them somewhere in the cabinet, probably on the shelf where they kept all their useless things like used bits of floss or that weird plastic duck they'd found in Remus's suitcase.

Remus shed his clothes as he walked into their bathroom, leaving a trail of socks, shirt, and trouser along the way. His bare body shivered against the cool air and suddenly, the need to feel hot water against his skin, to wash away all the dirt, the hurt, the insults that had been thrown at him and lodged deep in the crevices of his skin, was overwhelming.

He didn't bother with the bathroom switches, the lamp in their bedroom cast just the right amount of light, reflecting off the tiles in a dim glow.

Remus turned the taps, testing the waters with his hand before twisting them to full blast and letting the tub fill. Even the gentle splashing of the water against white ceramic felt soothing to Remus's tense muscles, and he found himself smiling slightly as he turned towards the sink to start his quest for Lily's bath salts.

That's when he caught his reflection in the mirror.

He stared at it and it stared back with eyes that looked too hollow and empty to be human. Yet, those eyes were moving and perceptive; it scanned every inch of his face – the long slope of his nose, the light brown hair that lay past his shoulders, the prominent chin, the dimples just waiting to appear on either side of his cheeks…

_You remind me so much of him…_

If he smiled, just a little, and pretended that his eyes were blue instead of amber, then Remus could see his father, looking at him, loving him, smiling at him like everything was going to be fine.

_It feels just like I'm standing in front of John. You look exactly like him._

The smile fell and suddenly it contorted into a silent scream, eyes bulging wide, head flailing madly from side to side, hair whipping cruelly against his face. Remus could make out the words his mouth was forming. It was his name, again and again:  _Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus…_

_You don't deserve to look like him!_

_Remus…_

His father was asking for help now and suddenly, Remus launched himself at the mirror, clawing at the edges in an attempt to pull it out and make it shut up. It wasn't real, he knew that, but he wanted it gone; he didn't want this mirror in front of him anymore, not while it showed images of his father screaming, crying out for help. His father was dead. His father was dead.

_He's dead, you killed him, he's dead because of you!'_

The sharp corners dug deep into the skin beneath his fingernails, sending trickles of blood down the plane, but Remus couldn't be bothered by it. He wanted the mirror out, and he pulled even harder, using his own body as leverage. Finally, the mirror split into two, right down the middle, falling to the sink and shattering into smaller pieces. The edges of the mirror remained intact and still held by glue, but the most of it was gone. It was finally gone.

Numbly, Remus stared at his hands - at the cuts on each of his fingers. They didn't really hurt. They weren't even deep, almost like paper cuts; but there was blood staining the skin around them and Remus dipped them into the tub to wash it away.

The water was warm, and Remus found himself unconsciously turning off the taps before the tub threatened to overflow. Slowly, he climbed inside.

* * *

 

'Moony, I'm home!'

Sirius toed of his shoes as he locked the door behind him. He hoped he wasn't too late and that Remus hadn't fallen asleep angry with him. Moody had been pissed at him the entire evening, yelling at him and just short of thwacking him on the head. James had done most of Sirius's work for him anyway, even though Sirius was sure he was just as worried and finding it just as hard to concentrate.

'Moony? You asleep, mate?'

Their bedroom lamp seemed to be switched on but when Sirius peeked inside, the bed was empty. He frowned. The sheets were rumpled as if they'd been slept in, which meant that Remus had probably just gotten up for a piss or a glass of water. He tended to do that sometimes – wander around in the dark out of sheer memory.

Sirius shucked off his coat and socks, sitting on the bed for a while and waiting for Remus to come out of the bathroom. He needed a good piss himself; Ministry loos weren't exactly top notch, and Sirius couldn't bloody well go about door to door asking to use their bathroom during site investigation.

Finally, when the wait for his turn seemed too long for Sirius, he decided to screw respect and privacy and just walk into the bathroom. It wasn't like they'd never seen each other's bits or anything, and Remus could well do with a little unwind-

_'What the fuck?'_

Sirius nearly had a heart attack when he switched on the bathroom lights.

Remus was there, but he wasn't taking a piss at all, but sitting in the tub with his knees drawn up to his chest and hands wrapped protectively around himself, as he shivered with what could only be cold. He was crouched so low, that the water level came up to the base of his neck, which was a feat for someone as tall as Remus.

'Shit, what the fuck?' Sirius grabbed a large towel from the railing before hurrying over to the tub. However, as soon as he touched the water to help Remus up, his hand recoiled reflexively. 'God, this water's freezing, Moony! How long have you been sitting here?' He nudged Remus's shoulder lightly. 'Come on, get out of there. Gods, I swear, you nearly killed me there. Come on, you're shaking.'

Remus blinked rapidly at Sirius's touch and finally looked at him, as if only realising that Sirius was there, as if not having heard Sirius yelling his name for the past ten minutes. 'Padfoot?'

'Yeah, it's me, Moony. Come on; let's get you warm, okay. Merlin, I'm going to kill Wormtail for this, I swear it.'

Remus let himself be hauled out of the water (which Sirius noticed, seemed to be tinged pink), and Sirius tried not to worry about how weightless he felt as he wrapped the towel around Remus's thin frame. He didn't even notice the shattered mirror, as he half carried Remus back to their bedroom.

'I told him not to leave you alone. If I hadn't been here, if I hadn't come home early…' Sirius sat Remus on the bed, as he towel dried the werewolf's body and hair. 'What were you trying to do, Moony?' He cast a final drying spell before rummaging in the cupboard for a pair of clean pyjamas for Remus to put on. 'Merlin, you really scared me.'

Remus didn't respond, lifting his legs robotically as Sirius helped him into his pyjama bottoms. It was like Sirius wasn't even there in the room. He might as well have been speaking to the walls and they would probably show more reaction.

Sirius cupped Remus's face gently between his hands. 'Why would you do something so stupid, Remus? You could have called me. I would have come. If you needed help, I would have come running, you know that.'

Remus didn't look up from the ground but lightly covered Sirius's hands with his own, and only then did Sirius notice the deep maroon cuts on the tip of Remus's fingers. They'd already scabbed, but they weren't exactly Sirius's main concern as his eyes traveled lower to Remus's neck, where there were large finger bruises on either side. Sirius traced them with his hand, stopping when Remus winced in pain.

'Who did these to you, Moony?' Sirius found his voice rising in anger. 'Who did this to you? I swear I'll kill them, I swear-'

Remus looked up, silencing Sirius with his sombre expression. 'My grandfather was there,' he said softly, barely above a whisper.

Sirius blinked in surprise. 'Christian Lupin?'

'He was really angry, Padfoot, but I didn't do anything,' Remus whispered a little helplessly, even desperately. 'I didn't do anything to make him angry. I really didn't.'

Sirius squeezed Remus's hands tightly, entwining their fingers together. 'I told Wormtail to take care of you, I told him to be with you at all times, When I get my hands on that dirty rat-' He healed all of Remus's wounds with an angry swish of his wand. 'He won't live to see the day!'

Remus looked down at his feet, biting his lower lip into shreds, but Sirius was too angry to notice.

'Fucking rat! I bet he didn't even tell Lily!' Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair. 'And you, Remus, you of all people! What were you fucking thinking, huh? Was it too difficult to just give me a damn call? You could have bled really badly; you could have died of hypothermia, anything could have happened!'

Sirius was so lost in his own tirade that hadn't it been for the inhuman wail, he would have never noticed Remus sliding to the ground.

'I'm sorry!' Remus cried out suddenly, looking at Sirius with bright amber eyes. 'I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!'

Sirius, shocked by Remus's outbreak, felt his jaw drop, and he watched in horror as fat tears cascaded down Remus's pale cheeks.  _Oh God, Remus was crying_ , his mind numbly supplied.

'I didn't want him to die, I swear!' Remus cried out, clutching the foot of Sirius's trousers. 'I didn't want to, but they killed him! I tried, I tried, but they wouldn't listen, they wouldn't!'

Sirius looked at Remus with wide eyes. 'Remus, I know you didn't-'

'I watched them, I watched them kill him. I watched him dying, nd I couldn't do anything. They wouldn't let me do anything!'

Sirius fell to his knees in front of Remus, finally having found his voice and coherent thought. 'Its okay, Remus. It's not your fault…' Sirius reached out for Remus, but the werewolf shied away from his touch, pressing his back firmly to the bed.

'They wanted me to join, and I would have. I would have done anything, but dad didn't let me. He didn't let me, but I need him back, Sirius. I'll do anything, I promise…'

Sirius felt something rise up in his throat, and he looked firmly at a spot on the floor in an attempt to avoid Remus's tear filled eyes. Somehow, watching the strongest person he knew break down was disconcerting, but Sirius couldn't block out the sounds of Remus sobbing, and it literally  _hurt_  to hear it. 'Listen to me, Remus; they would have killed him anyway. It's not your fault; nothing you could have done would have stopped them. You father died the way he wanted to…'

'MY FATHER DIDN'T WANT TO DIE!' Remus screamed suddenly, pulling the sheets off the bed in anger. 'My father wasn't supposed to die for a hundred more years! They killed him!'

'Remus, I'm sorry,' whispered Sirius, trying his best to calm his friend down. 'I really am, but…' He didn't know what else to say, so he stroked Remus's cheek comfortingly.

'DON'T TOUCH ME!' Sirius's eyes widened in shock as Remus pushed his hand away forcefully. 'Don't touch me!'

'Remus, it's just me…' said Sirius softly, almost as if he were trying to calm down an angry animal. 'It's me, okay. It's Sirius.' He moved closer but was suddenly sent sprawling across the floor from the unexpectedness of Remus's push.

'Don't come near me! I'll kill you! They'll kill you if you come!'

'They won't do anything,' tried Sirius again, inching closer inconspicuously. 'It's okay…I'm here for you. They can't hurt you. They can't hurt me.' He slowly reached out for Remus's shoulder with the intention of pulling him into a comforting embrace. 'Come on…'

Sirius had hardly touched him when Remus broke out into a horrified scream. It sounded like someone was performing the Cruciatus on him, and Sirius had the right presence of mind to move away quickly and cast an effective silencing charm around the room before the neighbours started knocking.

'I'm gone! Remus, I'm gone! I won't touch you!' cried Sirius desperately, very near tears himself. Remus couldn't stand to be touched by him. Remus didn't even want Sirius close to him, and it felt like an iron fist clenching around his heart. Remus was scared of him.

No, Remus was scared  _for_ him.

Remus's piercing screams finally turned to hysterical sobs, as he cried and hiccupped like an infant. He kept muttering things to himself with his eyes shut tightly, too low for Sirius to hear. Remus's hands were fisted in his light brown hair, pulling as if wanting to tear them out of his head, and Sirius  _ached_ to take him into his arms and stop him before he did anything too drastic.

Sirius had even considered stunning Remus but dismissed the idea immediately and instead, watched helplessly as his best friend and lover tore himself apart. He sat in the corner of the room, watching as Remus slowly grew tired, as his sobs turned to silent tears, as his tense muscles slowly gave away and finally, as his swollen red eyes miraculously closed.

It was the hardest thing Sirius had ever done his entire life.

When he was sure Remus's breathing had finally evened out, Sirius raised his wand and levitated him to the bed, even pulling the sheets up to his friend's chin with magic. He didn't dare touch Remus in fear of him waking up.

Once he'd gotten Remus settled to the centre of the bed, Sirius summoned his own pillow and a few extra sheets from the cupboard, which he laid on the ground as a makeshift bed. It was uncomfortable and hard, but Sirius never really had the intention of sleeping anyway. He needed to take care of Remus; he needed to make sure none of the events that had happened tonight ever got repeated again. He needed to make sure Remus was still breathing.

And he did.

For the longest time, Sirius did nothing but watch the slow rise and fall of Remus's chest, tensing every time his friend moved in his sleep or even frowned; but as the clock on their bedside table finally showed three AM, Sirius's exhaustion finally caught up with him, and he let himself drift off into a troubled slumber.

* * *

 


	30. Those Three Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**1979, The Kennel…** _

_'Alohomora!'_

James and Lily entered the flat to find Sirius Black, still in yesterday's clothes, asleep on the couch at what had to be a very uncomfortable angle. The bedroom door on the right had been left wide open, and they could see Remus curled up on one side of the bed, his long brown hair shielding his face from view. Lily frowned disapprovingly and silently handed over her carry bag to James, before making her way to the couch and tucking Sirius's wayward blanket securely around him.

'The poor dear,' she whispered, more to herself than James as she pulled their friend's hand out from underneath him. 'Why doesn't he sleep in the spare room?'

James shrugged, opening the door to said room and quietly dumping both their bags inside. The second bedroom hadn't changed much since they last saw it, unlike the one Remus was currently asleep in. The bed covers hadn't been changed, the furniture had been unmoved, there were no picture frames on the walls that indicated a person actually living there, but mostly, there was a distinct lack of life which had been replaced by the musty smell of collecting dust.

'I think it's because you can't hear from one room to another; bathroom in the middle and all. The sofa's closer,' replied James, moving to sit beside his wife on the end of the couch.

Lily met James's eyes worriedly. 'I hope Remus is okay…'

It had been a little over a week since Sirius had flooed the Potters frantically, and told them about their friend's breakdown. A week since Sirius had nearly had a fit himself, and it was only James and Lily's presence in the house that had finally calmed him down and made him admit what he'd clearly been dreading for a very long time: Remus was not as brave as he appeared.

Their visit to the Kennel hadn't had any effect on Remus at all, who seemed to walk like the living dead, his mind occupied in a world of his own; moving in and out of his room as if unaware of the people around him. He didn't eat or drink until Sirius told him to, didn't seem to sleep until late at night, didn't talk, and avoided any sort of eye contact with anyone who attempted to talk to him. He didn't let either of them too close, even Sirius for a while, who clearly had the strongest bond with him. In fact, Remus had only started letting Sirius even  _sit_ beside him three days ago but still cringed from any sort of physical contact.

Lily, who had always pictured Sirius as a rebellious rogue, had been in awe to seem him preparing proper meals for Remus, monitoring him when he went in for a shower, even if it was from a distance (Sirius had mentioned something about broken mirrors that neither of them had quite understood), and even talking to him all day despite being met by deafening silence. Lily had watched in utter admiration of Sirius's courage, as their friend put aside the hurt he felt with each of Remus's rejections, pretending to be all right in front of them while tending to everyone's needs simultaneously. Sirius, it would seem, had grown up in a short span of one week.

But then again, Sirius had always been fiercely protective and loving of the people he truly cared about. James remembered the time when Sirius had hexed Lily with yellow pus pimples after James had taken her rejection harder than usual…

'What did Healer Greene say?' asked Lily, smoothing over the wrinkles on Sirius's blanket.

'Apparently, the breakdown's a good thing. Means Remus has come to terms with his father's death and what not. So, it's a matter of time before he gets back to his old self. '

Lily frowned thoughtfully. 'Do you think he's right? I mean, before this, Remus was acting almost normal. He talked to us and everything. Now, it's like he sees right through us or something.'

'I know,' James whispered, looking at his best friend's sleeping form. 'It's really killing him, Lily, it's killing the both of us. Padfoot's trying his best to help but nothing seems to be working. Moony…Remus is scared we'll hurt him or vice versa.'

Lily put a sympathetic arm around her boyfriend. 'I know, love; and we'll stay here for as long as it takes, okay?'

James nodded, squeezing her hand tightly.

'Peter should have come. He's always claiming to be so caught up in work. He hasn't visited Remus once since the funeral.'

'He's scared of being skinned alive. You know Padfoot's still mad at him for abandoning Moony like that.'

'It wasn't his fault...'

James shrugged. 'It is…in a way. He gave us a promise to take care of Moony, and Padfoot had trusted him with that responsibility. Rule number one: no matter what happens, the Marauders  _always_  comes first.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'It could have been something serious, James. His mother could have been sick or something.'

'Was she?' James bit back. When Lily didn't reply, he replied with a tone of smug finality, 'Then there's no plausible reason for him to leave a friend like that. He's just going to have to wait until things cool down enough for Padfoot to forgive him.'

'James…'

They were saved from an impending argument by Sirius waking up and looking at them groggily, one hand rubbing his eye weakly as if to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

'What are you doing here so early?'

Lily looked at him sympathetically. 'It's ten in the morning, love.'

Sirius groaned, burying his face in the pillow. 'Shit. Today's Monday. I'm going to miss work, and Moody will have my head for it.'

James grinned. 'That's what we're here for, mate.' When Sirius looked at him with a confused expression, he decided to explain a bit further. 'Well, since we're here most of the time anyway, Lily and I thought we could occupy that extra room of yours. At least until Remus gets better…'

Sirius's face lacked the relief and enthusiasm James had expected. 'I don't know, Prongs.'

'Look, this way, you can get to work and classes and we can take care of Moony. My next practice isn't until a week, and Lily's currently unemployed, so you might as well…'

'What if he needs me? What if he calls out for me and I'm not there?'

Lily laid a gentle hand over Sirius's. 'Love, Remus hasn't even  _looked_ at you for the past three days,' she stated bluntly.

The look of desperation and sorrow that passed over Sirius's face almost made Lily wish she hadn't said it. Yet, it was the truth, and someone had to break it to him if for his own good.

'I-I'm going to apply for a two month leave today, before Remus wakes up.'

'Sirius...'

Sirius shook his head. 'No, I-I won't be able to concentrate anyway, so I might as well.'

'Sirius,' James said, his tone suddenly low, 'if you take a two month leave, you'll be behind in auror training by an entire semester… '

Sirius shrugged. 'It doesn't matter. Plenty of people give their exams in November instead of June. No big deal. I'll just be graduating in two and a half years instead of just two.'

'Sirius, you know there's no need-'

Sirius stood up angrily, the blanket falling to the ground. 'No, James, there  _is_  a need, and I can't be bothered to explain it to you because you won't understand anyway. If you want, you're most welcome to stay and help.'

James grabbed Sirius by the wrist before he could walk away. 'Padfoot, I understand your concern, but you're being bloody irrational!'

Sirius snatched his hand away angrily. 'Don't you dare, James! Don't you dare tell me I'm being irrational! You weren't there when Remus broke down! You don't live with him every hour of ever day! You know  _nothing_!'

'Oh please, give me a fucking break!' James yelled, higher than he intended to. 'You make it sound like you're the only one who cares about him! Well, news flash, Sirius: he's my best friend too!'

Sirius gritted his teeth. 'Remus is a lot more than a best friend to me, James.  _You_ , of all people, should know that.'

He apparated, rumpled clothes and all, and James and Lily watched dumbfounded at the empty space where Sirius had just been. 'Wow,' Lily finally whispered. 'He must really love Remus a lot…'

* * *

 

Sirius stared at the door where the words 'John Christian Lupin' and 'Adrian Thompson' were printed in big bold letters. He didn't know why he was doing this, not really. He'd come here to ask for a two month leave, and he'd gotten it. Moody had yelled at him for a while, but then let the matter go almost too quickly, leaving Sirius with plenty of time to go home. There was absolutely no need for him to venture into the DMLE; there was no need for him to enter Mr. Lupin's office and perhaps, even collect memorabilia for Remus or himself. Yet, he found himself unable to move from the front of Mr. Lupin's office door. So before he got any more suspicious stares from the people around him, Sirius took a deep breath and rapped his knuckles against the door. He didn't wait for an answer, instead inviting himself in before he lost the nerve and made a run for the opposite direction.

'Oh, it's you, Black,' Adrian Thompson didn't sound too surprised at Sirius's unexpected visit, and Sirius didn't pay him any heed either as he fast walked to Mr. Lupin's desk. Thompson, to his credit, must have sensed Sirius's need and didn't speak any further.

Mr. Lupin's desk was nothing out of the ordinary, but it was exactly how Sirius had imagined it would be – personalised. His table was neatly arranged and untouched, as if the attack hadn't happened at all. It was as if the Department was just waiting for when John would call off his sick leave and come back for work. There were stacks of papers that had been scribbled on in the sides, obviously something he'd been working on just before the Order meeting. There were little odds and ends scattered across the table, probably in an attempt to add a little décor to his side of the office; a glass paperweight, a badly and obviously hand made pen holder, a Quartz clock whose hands didn't seem to be moving, and few other things that Sirius guessed were probably muggle because they didn't seem very familiar.

He walked around the desk to take a closer look at the picture frames lined haphazardly on the wall. The oldest (Sirius could tell because the sticking charms had worn out on one side to make the frame tilt to the right), was one of what had to be undeniably Mr. and Mrs. Lupin when they were younger, barely fifteen, with their arms around each other. John's younger self would occasionally glance at Del adoringly, and Sirius wondered if they'd been dating back then. Remus had once mentioned that his parents had been neighbours long before they were lovers. The next pictures showed the years that had passed by – The Lupins getting married, various snapshots of Remus at different ages, Mr. Lupin and his friends playing poker, at a Quidditch match, in the office. Sirius recognised the more recent ones; the Marauders on graduation day along with their parents, the small party at the Potter's house, and Sirius felt his heart stop at the last one. It was a picture of him and Remus on their couch back at the flat; Sirius had his head on Remus's shoulder (sound asleep, judging from the way he was drooling all over his friend's shirt), and Remus himself was smiling widely at the camera and pulling at the ends of Sirius's hair every once in a while.

The picture must have been taken by Mrs. Lupin, because Sirius knew Remus would never display their relationship like that in front of his father. Sirius had always felt that perhaps Mr. Lupin had never been as accepting of him as his wife, but the picture here defied that belief and somehow, it caused a painful twang in Sirius's chest that hadn't been there during the funeral.

Sirius reached for the frame, his wand shaking in his right hand as he undid the sticking charm completely. His picture self snuffled a bit at the movement and snuggled deeper into Remus's shoulder.

'Should I leave the keys to you then, Black?'

Sirius jolted out of his thoughts, looking behind him to see Thompson watching him with a concerned expression. 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch you there…'

Thompson looked at the picture in Sirius's hands. 'D'you want to stay here…and I don't know, reminisce or somethin'? I've been called for a mission, but I can leave the keys to you if you want…'

Sirius stared at the rusty keys in Thompson's hands for a while, contemplating whether or not he should take up the offer. In the end, however, he simply shook his head; Remus would be awake by now. 'It's alright. I'm leaving anyway. Let me just collect a few of these things, okay?'

Thompson smiled and nodded. 'He was really one of the best partners I've ever had…'

Sirius smiled obligingly, turning over the box carton that had been lying underneath the table and emptying it of the paper inside.

'Damn brave when it came to missions. Half the staff right admired him.'

Sirius began pulling down all the frames at top speed, suddenly overwhelmed by the need to get out of the office and away from Thompson as fast as he could. He'd give most of these to Mrs. Lupin; he had a feeling she might want them, but the last one he'd keep.

'His son's 'bout your age, ain't he?' Thompson looked pointedly at one of the pictures of Remus as a child. 'I haven't seen him since the funeral. Gods, he looks 'xactly like John…'

Sirius vaguely wondered if any of the pictures gave away his and Remus's relationship. Were they incriminating or obvious enough? Perhaps not; given that Thomson wasn't standing there with a pitchfork in his hands. He hastily packed in the last of the items from the desk and sealed the box with a quick vertical swipe of his wand.

'How's he holdin' up?'

Sirius picked up the box and made his way to the door. 'He's alright.' He looked back at the office one last time, taking in the emptiness of Mr. Lupin's side of the room. 'Thank you, Thomson, I'll see you around.'

Sirius had meant to apparate back home immediately, he really had; but despite his mind being plagued by thoughts of Remus, he couldn't bring himself to go back. It was too much to bear; the silent treatment that Remus gave him, the complete abandonment he felt every time Remus looked right past him, the flinching whenever he tried to just touch him. His mind donated to his cause, stalling him and giving him reasons to procrastinate further and soon enough, he found himself in front of Mrs. Lupin's front door, flinching as the doorbell rang shrilly.

Even then, Sirius had only meant to drop of Mr. Lupin's things and apparate directly back home, but Mrs. Lupin had thanked him profusely and insisted he stay for lunch. Despite the blotchiness of her eyes, she hadn't shied away from Sirius or ignored him like Remus did. It was only when Mrs. Lupin had asked Sirius about Remus that he had truly begun to contemplate leaving. He'd lied to her about Remus being fine and had even gone to the lengths to assure her that he'd be visiting soon, and yes, Remus was very close to his dad, but she needn't worry too much. He'd quickly left after that, apparating back into the city and for some reason, walking most of the way home.

By the time he'd finally reached the flat, it was well past sun down, and Sirius felt an overwhelming guilt for having left Remus alone for so long. After all, he was to come back by noon…Remus might not have been expecting him, but it didn't mean that his friend didn't need him; and James and Lily didn't know anything about Remus or what to do when he was in a mood. It wasn't their fault; Sirius had just become accustomed to the werewolf's habits after living with him so long.

On entering, he found everyone sitting on the couch in front of the telly - James and Lily were at one end while Remus was on the other, surprisingly not sitting as far as Sirius had imagined he would. Sirius could tell by the occasional bursts of laughter from the television that there was a comedy show on, but anyone could have been easily fooled by the sombre and in Remus's case, empty expressions on each of their faces. Both James and Lily would take turns to surreptitiously glance at Remus before turning back their attention to the screen, and Sirius suddenly felt ashamed of himself for having shouted at James in the morning.

'Hey,' Sirius tried to sound cheerful, 'sorry if I'm a little late. I guess I got caught up a bit…' He noticed Remus glancing up at him and for a minute his heart soared, expecting a small smile or worrying frown. Any sign that Remus had missed him, had needed him, or didn't approve of his behaviour. Nothing came, and after a while, Sirius broke eye contact, fishing in his pocket for the picture frame and placing it on the coffee table face down.

Lily smiled at him a little too merrily. 'Its okay, Sirius. We were just about to start dinner. I made pasta.'

Dinner had admittedly cheered Sirius up quite a bit. There was a carefree, familiar banter between him and James, with Lily occasionally calling them immature gits, and Sirius was confident that even Remus had smiled slightly when James had catapulted a spoonful of pasta into Sirius's mouth. They'd had chocolate ice cream for dessert – Remus's favourite – and even watched Lily's ridiculous and plot-less soaps (which Sirius secretly had a liking towards). Things had felt so close to normal for after what seemed like such a long time that Sirius's stomach dropped liked a stone when James had yawned and declared that it was time for bed, and that Sirius and Remus could use the loo first if they wanted.

Another sleepless night on the sofa, another sleepless night waiting for Remus to cry out in his sleep; another sleepless night of watching helplessly as Remus tore himself apart as he relived the attack again and again in his dreams; another sleepless night of not having Remus's warm arms around him, caressing him, loving him. Sirius wondered how long it would take for him to finally snap and march back to Mungo's, demanding for an immediate cure. More than that, he wondered when Remus would go back to himself, the person that all of them adored and cared about. It wasn't that Sirius wanted him any less; God knows his heart ached to just be able to come near him, but it was emotionally toiling to watch someone you cared about so much do that to himself.

'Padfoot?'

Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Remus's voice call out of his name. He picked up the spare blanket he'd dropped in surprise and looked at Remus who was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back turned to him.

'Moony?'

Remus was sitting so still that Sirius was sure that he'd imagined his friend calling for him. His mind was playing games with him after an entire week of unbearable silence, making him hear things. Yet, he braved beside Remus, slipping the blanket in his hands over the man's shoulders without actually touching him. Remus only shivered in response and pulled the blanket tighter over himself.

'Go to sleep, Moony. It's been a long day.'

Sirius literally heard Remus swallow as he looked down at his bare feet. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered, 'I'm so sorry. I've been just horrible to you all these days. I'm sorry.'

Remus looked up at him with a broken expression, and Sirius found his throat tightening. 'You shouldn't be apologising, Moony. It's not your fault; you just needed a little time…' Sirius ventured to sit beside Remus and moved a little closer when his friend neither flinched nor moved away from him.

'I-I'm sorry I made you worry. I didn't mean to. Dad wouldn't have liked it. He would have told me to keep my chin up; stiff upper lip and all…'

Sirius sighed and shook his head. 'You're allowed to shed a few tears over your father's death, Remus. God knows anyone would have…'

Remus chuckled bitterly. 'I remember…I remember when I was little. Just after I got bitten, dad was having the hardest time, you know. He and Grandad had a fight, he got demoted, and we had to move away to a more muggle area. So he'd come back home once really angry, and he was shouting stuff about me that he really didn't mean, really hurtful stuff, and I sort of overheard.' Remus coughed a little, as if talking was proving to be more of a task for him than a basic function. 'I ran away then…'

Sirius's eyes widened and he curiously shifted a closer, making sure as to still keep a safe distance between them. 'You ran away? You never told me. Where to?'

Remus shrugged, his eyes still focused on his feet. 'I was only six and new in town. I got as far as the park and fell asleep on one of the benches there.'

Sirius couldn't help it; despite the situation, he laughed. He laughed perhaps, a little louder than he ought to; the tale wasn't that funny, but it felt so good to laugh again that he didn't really mind. It felt even better when Remus joined in, though not as noisily and by the time they were done, Remus was looking at him with a smile on his face – the smile that Sirius had missed so terribly.

'So, what happened then? You went back?'

Remus laughed. 'No, dad found me and we had this big wrestling match. I refused to go, and he basically grabbed me by the collar and hauled me back home. Mum kicked him out of the bedroom for getting me so upset and making her have a hernia when she didn't find me in my bed, so he spent the night in my room. He didn't like the couch much.'

Sirius found himself laughing till he had tears in his eyes. Gods, how he'd missed this; this casual easy conversation between them, Remus's sarcastic and well timed humour, his ability to make the most ridiculous of stories interesting. 'So, did he apologise?'

'Not in those words, no. I refused to talk to him, so he badgered me instead…all night...he tried to bribe me with toys…and said these awful, awful jokes' Remus turned to Sirius, his eyes shining oddly in the lamplight. 'He never let me cry, you know. Not even once,' he whispered and as he looked away, a lone tear slid unbidden down his cheek.

'I don't think he'd want you to, even now…' Sirius replied softly, his arms  _aching_  to wrap themselves around Remus.

'I'll never know that, will I?' Remus asked bitterly. 'Sometimes, Sirius, sometimes I dream about them.' He sniffed, his eyes turning an intense, angry shade of amber as they bore into Sirius's. '…about killing them, in ways that they could have never imagined dying…'

'No, Remus-'Sirius tried but was cut off.

'I want them to know how it felt. I want them to pay for what they did, Sirius. Even if it takes me my whole life, I want revenge.'

'And you'll get it, Remus, I promise you, but not in the ways you think. You can't stoop down to their level, and you can't take so many of them alone…'

Remus's fists clenched tightly in his lap. 'Don't underestimate the power of the wolf, Padfoot.'

'I'm not, but Remus, you're only going to bring trouble on to yourself. Greyback's a wolf too, an older one and a stronger one. His slate is clean in the Ministry files, so killing him is only going to put  _you_  in Azkaban. We'll find another way to fight him, okay?'

Remus shook his head despairingly. 'He can hurt you, all of you, anyone. I can't st-'

Sirius clutched at the ends of Remus's blankets pleadingly. 'Promise me, Moony, promise me you won't go after him.'

'Sirius, he killed my father…'

'Your father didn't die for you to go get yourself killed in mad chase for revenge. Promise me, Remus, on my life.'

Remus bit his lip worryingly. 'I promise,' he whispered, 'for you, I promise.'

Sirius smiled, a warm fluttery feeling rising in his chest. 'Good, now get ready for bed. You need some sleep…' He stood up, albeit reluctantly, summoning another spare blanket from the cupboard with his wand. 'I'll be on the couch but if you need anything-'

'Sirius…'

Something about Remus's voice right then made Sirius stop. There were no hands holding him back, no restraints, but it was just the quality of his plea, the sudden feeling that something significant was going to happen that made him stay, unmoving from his position on the floor. Even the rest of his body had frozen (though he was yet to notice it), his eyes being the only part of him moving and following every movement as Remus slowly got off the bed and stood to face him. They mapped every shiver, every tremble of Remus's right hand as it moved up slowly, too slowly, finally stopping only inches away from Sirius's face. So close, so close, that he could feel the warmth radiating from the tips of Remus's fingers, he could literally feel the distance between Remus's palm and his cheeks and cool air passing through that tiny gap.

Sirius stared into Remus's eyes with anticipation he'd never felt before, and a want…no, a  _need_  to be touched, to feel Remus's smooth skin against his. It had felt like eons since he'd had any physical contact with Remus, even though it was just a matter of a few days, and Sirius found he could not look at Remus's face anymore, could not face the fear or rejection when that hand slipped away to leave a wide empty space between them.

So when he finally felt soft fingers descend upon his skin, Sirius let out a shaky breath he hadn't known he was holding; and when those fingers widened to an entire palm moving down his face to cup his cheek, to caress his hair, Sirius felt his breathing speed up tenfold at the unexpectedness of the touch. It felt like he was running a never ending marathon. There was another hand now, curling at his hip, a thumb rubbing slowly, unsurely against the thin material of his pyjama bottoms. Just when Sirius was sure he'd managed to bring his breathing to normal, soft lips pressed against his, and he felt his world explode.

Sirius didn't open his eyes. He couldn't, wouldn't dare to, in case all this turned out to be an elaborate dream. He didn't even dare touch the other man, digging half moons into his palms to remind him not to get carried away with himself; just in case Remus suddenly realised what he was doing and stopped.

The hand on his hip moved up underneath his shirt, pressing gently into the soft skin there, rubbing slow circles against his belly. He couldn't help but let a soft moan of pleasure escape his lips as Remus kissed down the bare column of his throat, lingering at the juncture where neck met shoulder. 'Sirius,' he heard Remus whisper into his ear, warm breath against his skin making him quiver. 'Sirius…I want you… inside me…'

Sirius's eyes snapped open. 'Remus…I-' He swallowed heavily, at a complete loss for words.  _It's too quick_ , his brain supplied weakly, _there's something terribly wrong about this situation_. Yet, he was so drawn by the heady feeling of the werewolf around him that he couldn't even bring himself to protest as Remus led him by the hips towards the bed, falling back to the soft mattress and pulling Sirius with on top of him.

'I won't break,' said Remus softly, guiding Sirius's hands to hem of his t-shit and allowing him to pull it over his head. Sirius obliged, with little resistance, entranced by the trust shining in Remus's eyes and something else…something…was it lust? No, it seemed deeper.

They kissed again, slowly and sensually, letting their tounges tangle and explore familiar territories, as Sirius worked on Remus's pyjama bottoms with care and patience that he'd never shown before. His own clothes, however, were shucked off in a hurry, and he found Remus watching him with disconcerting intensity as the last of his clothing fell to the ground.

Sirius's own eyes traveled down Remus's body, memorising the shadows under bright amber eyes, the sharp, long nose, the bow of his lips which were glistening with shared spit; the dip of his collar bone, and then his gaze settled on the scar – renewed and an angry shade of red from all the healing spells. Yet, it wasn't until Remus caught him staring and covered the scar with his hand that Sirius had the decency to blush and look away. He hadn't meant to make his friend uncomfortable, he really hadn't, and he tried to convey that silently through his eyes.

Remus accepted the apology, nodding and smiling slightly, as he reached out a hand towards Sirius, beckoning him back on the bed. The bed dipped as Sirius climbed in and fingers entwined tightly as they kissed one more time, naked skin on naked skin. Their bodies lined with easy practice, as Sirius's other hand opened the drawer that they kept the lube and condoms in without breaking their kiss.

Alarm bells rang shrilly in his head, but Sirius opted to ignore them when Remus's lean legs wrapped around him invitingly and pulled him closer. Yet, for all his enthusiasm, when Sirius tried to push inside of him, Remus's entire body instantly tensed, and Sirius's withdrew immediately.

'Remus,' he protested, when Remus's hands scrabbled to keep him from moving away. This was what his conscience had been digging at the whole time. This, this feeling that Remus might not be ready, might not want Sirius the same way Sirius wanted him. 'Remus, you can't do this. You're afraid I'll hurt you _. I'm_  afraid I'll hurt you-'

'No…' Remus replied breathily, and Sirius didn't miss the urgency in his voice. 'No…I can…I won't get hurt.' He pulled at the back of Sirius's hair painfully. 'Sirius…I'm not afraid of you…or anyone else…'

'You don't have to do this, Remus…you don't have anything to prove t-'

Remus silenced him with a fierce kiss, only breaking away to whisper in Sirius's ears, 'Please, Sirius…I need you…'

And that plea was all it took for Sirius to tentatively thrust into Remus. He waited patiently for the other man to adjust despite his aching need to move and relieve himself. He watched with apprehension as Remus's chest rose and fell with every short burst of breath; the werewolf had kept his eyes firmly closed as if fighting his own inner battles.

'I'm fine,' Remus replied to an unasked question after what seemed like a prolonged moment of silence, and he raised his hips slightly to meet Sirius's.

Sirius groaned at the shot of pleasure that coursed through him. Nodding, he withdrew and thrust again, establishing an old, familiar rhythm between them. He'd gone slow at first, taking care not to hurt Remus in any way, but as the sweat pooled and mingled along their stomachs, and Remus began to meet every thrust with grunts and pants, Sirius's want became his need; and he soon found himself speeding up towards his release.

'Remus,' breathed Sirius at the brink of his orgasm. He tightened his hold on Remus's hands, squeezing lightly. 'Remus, look at me.'

Intense amber gaze met his own, and Sirius found himself crying out loudly as he came hard inside Remus. Dimly, he heard his friend echo his own cries of pleasure and felt wetness spread between their bodies.

Something in the air had shifted then, as both of them experienced one of the most intense orgasms of their life, but Sirius was too disoriented to tell if it was a good thing or bad. He was too at bliss at the moment at the feeling of Remus's hot breath against the sensitive skin of his neck and the way they both clung to each other tightly as if afraid to lose each other in a tide. It was a moment to be frozen in time and relived again and again because nothing they had ever done had been this intense, this full of…

Sirius didn't know…

He finally slid out of Remus, just parting enough to mutter a quick cleansing spell. He collapsed back on top of Remus, nuzzling his cheek and breathing the smell of sweat and shampoo that clung to Remus's hair. 'Are you okay?' Sirius asked, concerned all of a sudden when the silence between them had stretched too long. He looked up, cupping Remus's cheeks tenderly. 'Moony?'

Remus covered Sirius's hands with his, lacing their fingers together and kissing each of Sirius's knuckles. 'I love you Sirius,' he said softly, and Remus's eyes closed momentarily in pain as Sirius's hand fell from his in shock.

'Remus, I-'

Remus smiled, his eyes mirroring the intense amount of love and hurt he must have felt at the moment. 'You don't have to say it if you don't want to.'

Sirius felt his throat constrict tightly, making it even harder to breathe. 'It's not that-' He swallowed thickly, unsure of what to say. 'I care about you a lot Remus, but I-'

'But you don't think its love,' Remus finished, flipping them over so that they both lay face to face on their sides. 'I know, Padfoot, and its okay.' He kissed Sirius on the lips briefly as reassurance.

Sirius worried his already swollen bottom lip with his teeth. 'We're different, you know…we're not like…we're not like James and Lily, Remus…we're not-'

Remus silenced him with a hand over his mouth. 'This confession has been bugging me for ages, Padfoot, and I just wanted you to know tonight because…' For a moment it looked like Remus was about to say something incredibly important; it was clear the way he hesitated, but the moment passed as quickly as it had come, and he was smiling again. 'It's important that you do…and that you remember it, okay? You don't have to be compelled to say it back…that's not how I want it to be…'

Sirius nodded, wrapping his arms protectively around Remus and pulling him closer. 'I missed you, you know,' he confessed into Remus's neck, kissing and worshipping the skin there.

Remus didn't reply, simply resting his chin against Sirius's shoulder and closing his eyes.

* * *

 

Bright sunlight invaded their room the next morning, and Sirius blearily pulled the blankets over his head as he made a mental note to buy thicker curtains for their window when they went shopping next time.

'Padfoot!'

He felt unexplainably happy this morning though, more so than usual, and even his disoriented mind knew that it was because of Remus. In fact, it was all his disoriented mind knew at the moment.  _Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus loved him, Remus, Remus, Remus…_

'Sirius!'

Sirius frowned at the incessant banging on his door, snuggling deeper into the pillow to drown out the sound. He pulled the blankets even tighter around his body against the draft that he was sure hadn't been there last night. Really, what would it take for him and Remus to get some sound sleep without that crazy Evans bint and her boyfriend trying to break through their door?

'SIRIUS, GET UP!'

No, he certainly would not. He was going to sleep in late, wake up and take a long shower, and then he was going to take Remus out for breakfast on his motorbike. They'd had a breakthrough last night,  _Remus loved him_ and Remus deserved a little fresh air to take his mind off things, and he was going to fucking well get it.

'SIRIUS, IT'S REMUS! HE'S GONE!'

* * *

 


	31. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**1979, The Kennel…** _

_It's hard now. When the time's finally come, I'm having a hard time leaving. I don't know what I'm doing yet, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't want to go or leave any of you, but James, you understand, right? You saw what happened to my dad because of me. I don't think I can see that happening again. I can't think of any other way to stop him from coming. He'll come, I know he'll come, and if it's my mother or any of you, I don't know what I'll do. I'm not sure where I'm going yet, but I'll find some place. It's a big world, yeah?_

_Tell Wormtail I said goodbye, and Lily that it's not very nice to throw away a man's cigarettes in his time of need. And Prongs, thanks. I don't know what else to say. This isn't the first time you've saved my life and by magical law, I'm indebted to you. Consider my going a way of repaying you for everything. And tell mother I tried and not to be upset and that I love her. I love you too, Padfoot, a lot. Don't be angry. I know you are but don't be, okay? I'll keep my promise, I swear, but I can't do that without putting all of you in danger. You were right, Greyback has a clean slate in the Ministry, and he can get away with anything, even murder. Shit, I love you and you take care, okay? Remember to wear your coat. You're always forgetting and it's starting to get really cold outside._

_-Remus (Moony)_

Sirius stared at the letter in his hands. Lily had only ever seen him look this distraught once in her life and that was back in fifth year when Remus had gone home from some fault of Sirius's. She was surprised really, at Sirius's lack of violent outburst, just as she had been then. She didn't know if it was a result of the Black family breeding or Sirius's troubled childhood, but he seemed to always have trouble channeling particularly distressing emotions. Everything came out as anger in Sirius's case. So to look at the normally aggressive Sirius sit quietly in a chair, looking about ready to cry was perhaps one of the most disconcerting things she'd ever seen.

'This is all my fault,' Sirius whispered, not taking his eyes off the letter. 'Prongs, this is my fault.'

James rolled his eyes. 'Don't be ridi-'

'No, it is! He told me he loved me yesterday, and I never said it back!' Sirius cried out, collapsing on the couch behind him and burying his face in his hands. 'Shit, I said I didn't love him, and he's upset with me, and he left! That's why he left!'

'Padfoot, no, it's nothing li- wait,' James stopped suddenly, as if only now realising what Sirius had said. 'You don't love Moony?'

The way James looked at Sirius, it was if he'd said the most ridiculous thing on the planet. As if he'd declared the sun was blue. Lily thought she was looking at Sirius in the same way because really, the very idea of Sirius not loving Remus was ludicrous. She had seen the proof herself, hadn't she?

Sirius looked at James hesitantly. 'I-No…'

James suddenly began to pace, his hands automatically going to his hair and pulling at it – a habit Lily absolutely hated, but knew came out when her boyfriend was feeling particularly anxious. 'You don't love him? But I thought-'

'Well, you thought wrong, okay?' Sirius replied miserably. 'I told you I cared for him, didn't I? But how are my feelings any different from that of second or third year? I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel! I like living with him; is that love? Or is love the fact that we sleep together and share a room? I mean; what? What the fuck is it?'

Lily sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. She sat down beside Sirius, putting an arm around him and resisting the urge to thwack him on the head as hard as she could. 'Congratulations, Sirius. You have broken the barrier of idiocy and gone to just plain stupidity. I can't believe you're even saying these things. I mean-' Lily breathed deeply and resolved to complete her tirade later. 'But don't stress yourself; Remus didn't leave because you  _presumably_  don't love him. You know he isn't like that.'

'What would you know?'

'For one thing, I actually read the letter.' She made an exasperated noise when James snatched the letter out of Sirius's shaking hands. 'He was afraid Greyback might come after him again and hurt one of us like he did Mr. Lupin.'

Both Sirius and James looked at her with wide eyed expressions. In all their worry over Remus's absence, they'd obviously not been paying attention to all the rambling that their friend had done in their letter. For a while, it seemed neither of them could comprehend the news (which by itself was ridiculous, really. They should have expected and been prepared for something like this); and Lily allowed them some quiet for the information to sink in.

That quiet was only broken by Sirius shooting out of the couch and knocking a vase to the ground in the process. 'WHAT KIND OF STUPID, _FUCKED_  UP REASON IS THAT?' screamed Sirius, fiercely punching the nearest lamp he could find. 'I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW ABSOLUTELY STUPID HE IS! HOW COULD HE, FOR ONE SINGLE MINUTE,  _THINK_ , THIS WAS GOING TO BE BETTER FOR EITHER OF US, FOR ME? THAT STUPID, MOTHERFUCKING ARSEHOLE!'

'Sirius.' James said, grabbing his friend's shoulders tightly. 'Calm down, okay? Just calm down. We'll find him, I promise.'

Lily placed a comforting hand on the back of Sirius's neck. 'James is right. Remus couldn't have gone far without magic. He doesn't even have a wand, and we all have ours, so we know he hasn't taken any. The farthest he can go with a Muggle bus is his parent's house.'

Sirius nodded, albeit a bit worryingly. 'What if he got hurt, Lily? He's not strong enough to defend himself. What if someone mugged him or something?'

'He'll be fine, Padfoot. This is Remus we're talking about, yeah? Head of Defense class, and the guy with enough werewolf strength to take down an army.' Lily had a feeling James didn't believe a word of what he was saying to Sirius, but it seemed to comfort Sirius a little, and that was what mattered right now. 'I'll just apparate to the Lupin cottage right now, okay? We'll find him there, I'm sure.'

James didn't wait for Sirius's nod of affirmation, closing his eyes tightly instead as he focused on the memories he had of the Lupin cottage. He was starting to fade around the edges a bit, simultaneously narrowing down into a vertical line. Lily was just beginning to wonder why it was taking so long for her boyfriend to apparate, when James popped back to normal with a pained howl.

'Argh!' he cried, clutching his head. 'I can't get in! It's blocked!'

'What?' Sirius exclaimed disbelievingly. 'That's impossible! I just apparated yesterday! You must be doing something wrong!' No sooner did Sirius close his eyes to apparate that he popped them open with a howl similar to James. 'What the fuck?' He rubbed the back of his head fiercely.

'It's okay,' Lily said, before Sirius could go into another one his rants. 'We have a telephone at our place. I'll just give Mrs. Lupin a call.'

'And if you don't find him there, give Wormtail a call. The two of you contact everyone we know, even the distant ones. Ask them if they've seen Remus, okay? Sirius and I'll go down to the Ministry and file a missing report.'

Lily nodded, kissing James briefly on the cheek before apparating back to their house.

The last she heard of their conversation was Sirius cursing vehemently:  _'Fucking idiot! Bloody, stupid, self-sacrificing werewolf! I'll kill him, when I find him,_ _I'll kill him_ _! I'll-'_

* * *

 

'Hello, Mrs. Lupin?'

The phone crackled on the other side, and Lily could hear Mrs. Lupin telling someone to turn the volume of the telly down. Lily's hopes soared; perhaps Remus had gone there after all, even if for one night? 'Yes?'

Lily clutched the phone tightly in her hands. 'It's me; Lily.'

'Lily! I'm sorry I didn't recognise your voice. It's been ages since I've heard from you! How are you?'

Lily smiled out of habit. 'I'm fine. Mrs. Lupin, is Remus there?'

There was silence on the other side, and Lily wondered if Remus had asked his mother to keep quiet about his presence. 'No, dear,' her voice was full of puzzlement and any qualms Lily had about her lying was soon banished. 'I-

'What about Natasha's place?' Lily asked urgently.

'No, Nash is staying over at my place.' There was movement behind the phone and Lily could hear Mrs. Lupin ask about Remus to what could only be Natasha Lupin. She heard a small no and a bit of shuffling, before Mrs. Lupin spoke again. 'Lily, has something happened? Is something wrong with Remus?'

Lily's laughter came out more high pitched that usual. 'No, no, he's fine! He and Sirius said they'd drop off at your place before coming over to ours for lunch. I was just wondering if they'd be late and all.' She hoped she didn't sound too fake.

'Are you sure, Lily?' Mrs. Lupin asked again and her voice, like Lily's, had raised a few octaves. 'Are you sure he's alright? Lily, please, if something happened, you need to tell me. Did something happen to my son?'

'NO!' Lily replied a bit too quickly. 'No, everything's alright, I promise you.' Mrs. Lupin didn't sound like she could take more bad news so soon after her husband's death. 'I'm so sorry I made you worry like that, Mrs. Lupin. You see, I was making lamb and it got burnt like charcoal. The boys were really looking forward to it, and it takes ever so long to make.' Lily knew it was a lame excuse, but she hoped Mrs. Lupin would buy it. 'I just wanted to know if I had enough time to make another one. Otherwise, I'm just going to have to order out.'

'Oh, well, they never dropped off here, but I think you have plenty of time on your hands.' Mrs. Lupin chuckled lightly. 'If I know those two well enough, I expect they got caught up somewhere; most probably in a department store. Sirius gets quite fascinated with  _muggle_  things.'

Lily laughed a little too hard. 'Yes, of course, how could I forget?'

'Yes, well, I don't think they'll drop off here at all. They'll probably just realise the time when one of their stomachs go off and hurry over to your place.'

'Yes, yes, you're right. I'm so sorry for the hassle, Mrs. Lupin. I didn't mean to frighten you like that.'

'None at all, love. You call in anytime and give the boys my love, won't you?'

Lily nodded involuntarily. 'Will do! Thank you for everything!' She put the phone back on the holder and let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. That conversation had been hard. She had half expected herself to blurt the truth out to Mrs. Lupin or be caught lying. 'Fuck. Remus, where the hell are you?' She picked up the phone again and this time dialed the number to Peter's mother's house.

* * *

 

Doris Bird sighed in frustration. This was turning out to be the worst day on the job ever and that was a really big statement, considering she'd been working here for over ten years. It was truly hard to believe that only half an hour ago, she had actually thought that the gentleman with the leather jacket – Mr. Black- was actually handsome and someone she wouldn't mind having as more than a client. It only took the first five minutes for her to discern that the man was entirely crazy and had an incredibly unattractive and irrational temper.

'Look, Mr. Black, for the fourth time, I cannot do anything for you.' Doris ignored the scowl that seemed to have taken permanent residence on the man's face. 'Mr. Lupin is eighteen; well of age and completely capable of making his own decisions. He left London  _willingly._  We are not liable to stop him from something he chose to do and nor are you, especially since you are neither a guardian, nor a parent. For all I know, you could be a murderer set out on blood revenge. Do you understand me?'

Black's face loomed inches within her and even in his unattractive state, Doris felt something pleasant stir inside of her. 'Do I  _look_  like a fucking murderer to you?'

'Right now? Yes, you do, Mr. Black.' Doris didn't break eye contact as she spoke to him, despite feeling incredibly intimidated. This man was frightening, no doubt, but she wasn't going to let him scare her off her job. 'What I'm trying to say to both of you is that we can't drag Mr. Lupin back forcefully unless he is either insane or criminal, or Gods forbid, both.'

Black banged his fist on the table angrily. 'I told you, he's not entirely in his right mind! He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing!'

This man was really starting to grate her nerves, and the other man – the one with hair that looked like it had never seen a comb in its whole life – was just watching and doing nothing. Chivalry truly was dead. 'Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Black, but when you first came here you told me he was recovering from trauma, yes? If I remember correctly, trauma patients only have irrational fear of certain objects or people; not sudden urges to get up and leave one day. Not to mention, that he is recovering – which means, he is almost as sane as you or I. So unless you have actual medical reports to prove that Mr. Lupin cannot take decisions for himself, and is prone to violent behaviour, I'm sorry, I can't help you.'

'I can get them! Healer Greene can write me one!'

'Then for the love of Merlin, Mr. Black, stop wasting my time and get me one!' Doris knew she shouldn't have snapped. She was usually very good with clients, even the temperamental ones, but Black was crossing the border far too many times. She regretted it though, because now the man's face was taking an expression that didn't even have a name for it. All she knew was that it made her want to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.

'Excuse me?  _I'm_  wasting your time?  _I'm_ wasting your time? He could be anywhere right now! Anywhere! He might not have any fucking money, he doesn't have a fucking home to go to, he doesn't have a bloody  _motherfucking_  clue what he's doing!' Black knocked over all the stationary on Doris's desk with one graceful sweep of his arm. 'You could be sending search parties right now; instead of wasting  _my_ time to get a fucking medical report, which I'm sure isn't going to matter the slightest!'

A crowd was starting to gather around her desk now, quite a few people coming from other departments to see what the commotion was all about. Doris felt herself colour slightly when a few of her friends looked at her questioningly.

'I know why you're doing this! I should have known the minute I told you he was a werewolf! You don't give a flying fuck, do you?' Black was screaming on top of his lungs now, making violent motions in the air and looking right ready to kill. 'You can't be bothered to waste your time on finding an animal that is of no value to you, can you?'

In truth, it had nothing to do with Lupin being a werewolf at all. Doris wasn't prejudiced towards anyone, and she prided herself over that fact. She was simply following the rules. It was her job to do so. In some ways, she understood Black's irrational anger and was even impressed by the amount of care he showed for his friends. Unfortunately, she was too petrified and perhaps, even a little offended by Black's behaviour towards her. She looked at the other man pleadingly. She'd forgotten his name (had he mentioned it at all?).

'He can just go ahead and kill himself if he's disoriented enough, am I right? Another werewolf gone, job made easy!'

The man with the wild hair finally seemed to think that Black had said enough and done sufficient damage to her part of the office and her pride. He put a firm hand on Black's shoulder and squeezed tightly. 'Sirius, that's enough. Stop it.'

Black quieted for a second, looking very hesitant. Perhaps it was Doris's imagination, but his grey eyes seemed brighter than when he'd come in. 'James. I-Remus…'

'We'll get those reports. They can't stop us then, yeah?' The man Black called James spoke like he would to a child, but he also spoke with the confidence of a man who knew he was going to be listened to.

Doris had a feeling that had it been anyone else in James's place, Black would have brushed them off and continued with his outburst. There was a certain respect and companionship that she saw between them that she could perhaps never explain. They were like brothers; James perhaps being the more responsible and thoughtful one.

Black finally nodded, and Doris heaved a sigh of relief. She saw Fallon (the security guard for their floor) look at her questioningly, and she shook her head to tell him that the matter was solved.

'I'm sorry for all the trouble, Ms. Bird. Remus matters a lot to the both of us and things just got out of control.'

Doris smiled weakly, bending down to pick up the paperweight from the ground. She'd already forgiven them deep down, even though she didn't understand the need for such crude behaviour. James's expression and calm tone only asked for forgiveness, but something about his character demanded it be given anyway.

'We'll meet again soon. Thank you.'

* * *

 

'Eighteen, yes?'

Peter nodded, and Lily was glad he'd decided to take over for her. The two of them, together, had called everyone they'd known from both school and the Order – even the ones they'd barely ever talked to. Each floo call had been more disappointing than the other. There came a time when both Lily and Peter had completely given up hope and took to robotically cutting off names on their list while making the last few calls. The situation had depressed Lily tremendously, and she now found herself barely able to talk through the tightness in her throat as the muggle officer interrogated them about Remus.

'What was his name again?' Officer Shyam (as written on his name tag) asked as he wrote down everything in black ink. His Indian accent was soothing in some ways; soft spoken and well mannered.

'Remus John Lupin.' Lily squeezed Peter's hand tightly as he said it. She knew she wasn't to give up hope. That if anyone could find Remus, it would be the police, especially since without a wand, Remus would be using all muggle forms of transport.

'He's around six-three, slim – almost scrawny, brown eyes, brown hair, very pale. We've got a picture of him.' Peter looked at Lily pointedly, and she fumbled in her purse hastily to take out the picture she'd grabbed from Sirius's photo album. It wasn't hard to find; Sirius had a lot of pictures of Remus and vice versa.

Shyam inspected the picture carefully. 'He is a cute kid. He looks a lot younger than eighteen.'

Peter nodded. 'His father died recently in an accident, and Remus took it really hard. He blames himself mostly, and he hasn't been right for a while now.'

Officer Shyam hummed sympathetically, pushing his black hair out of the way as he wrote down something else on the report. 'Understandable. Does he have any distinctive features? Perhaps a mole or a scar?'

Lily hesitated for a second, unsure whether to say anything or not. She looked at Peter, who was looking at her with the same uncertainty. Finally, Lily nodded, and Peter disclosed the information Remus had always taken great lengths to hide. 'He's got a-a tattoo. Like a bar code at the back of his neck,' said Peter, rubbing the back of his own neck nervously. 'You don't see it much, 'cause of his long hair but its there.'

Officer Shyam raised an eyebrow. 'A bar code?' He shook his head exasperatedly. 'You kids today do the craziest of things.' He closed the pen with a small click and looked at them reassuringly. 'We'll copy these details and send them to all the nearby police stations, bus stations, train stations, restaurants; any place he could have gotten to. I'm sure they'll find him. After all, how far could he have gotten in one night?'

'When can we expect feedback?' Peter asked anxiously.

'We will call you as soon as we get any information about his whereabouts. You have left a number, yes?'

Lily nodded. She had written down her own phone number, which meant she and James would be moving back home soon. Peter couldn't give his own since he lived with his mother.

'We will do our best to find him, but I'm afraid I cannot guarantee anything.'

'You said he couldn't have gotten far. So it'll be a cinch finding him, won't it? I mean…as you said…how far could he have gotten in one night?' Peter was stuttering badly now, and Lily felt guilty for making him do all the talking. After all, he had to be concerned and scared about Remus too.

Officer Shyam sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. 'It will be easy for us considering that he hasn't fallen into the wrong hands, sir. Streets are no longer safe nowadays. I'm sure you have seen it in the news; unknown attackers murdering people in their houses and in the streets; muggers, rapists, drug addicts. I do not want to be a bringer of bad news, but cases like this have increased tremendously over the past few months, especially in London. If you are right about your friend being depressed, he's more vulnerable to these disgusting people than anyone else.'

Lily let out a choked sob, trying and failing to stop the tears falling from her eyes. She knew what he was talking about of course; Voldemort and his Death Eaters. No one else fit the bill this well.

Officer Shyam put a comforting hand on top of hers, looking genuinely sorry for breaking the news to her. 'I am really sorry, ma'am. I should not have put it down so harshly.'

Lily sniffled, squeezing the officer's brown hand tightly before letting it go. 'It's okay. I don't think Remus will do anything foolish. He's really very smart and responsible.'

Peter nodded in agreement, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders.

Officer Shyam smiled gently. 'I am sure he is, ma'am. I promise we will try our best to find your friend.'

* * *

 

When the Marauders and Lily had filed missing reports, none of them had ever fathomed that it would take this long to find Remus. In fact, all of them were more than confident that Remus would be found by one party or another. They'd contacted everyone they knew of course and both the Muggles and the Ministry (though Sirius doubted it severely) were still looking for him. Unfortunately, options were running out and so were the paces they could look for the werewolf. Chances of Remus being found slowly slipped away as the days turned into weeks and weeks turned into well over two months. Most people had already lost faith over Remus ever being found at all.

They should have expected it really. Even through trauma and depression, Remus was smart and calculative. He would have carefully planned out everything so as not to ever be found. While this trait of Remus had helped them pull pranks in their school years, it was something James had taken to despising now. He missed Remus terribly and worried about him all the time. Lily often burst into tears when they talked about him at all, and Peter would always try to deviate from the topic if he ever came up. Mrs. Lupin and Aunt Nash were still in the dark about Remus's disappearance. They'd been constantly lying to them about Remus being away on Order missions. Mrs. Lupin was particularly hard to fool because she was used to Remus coming over to visit her every other week and suspected that something was wrong. She didn't approve of all these Order missions either, not after what happened to Mr. Lupin, but it was better than telling her that they'd lost her son to some unknown place.

Unsurprisingly, the person who took Remus's departure the hardest was Sirius. James, Lily and Peter were starting to worry about him too. After the first month, Sirius had completely lost faith on the Ministry and Muggle police and had taken it upon himself to find Remus. His apartment was now littered with newspaper cuttings, documents he'd filched or copied illegally from the Ministry, werewolf codes and regulations, and God knew what else. Sirius would come back home from work and spend late nights on them; reading, highlighting, trying to get some sort of clue where Remus might have gotten to. It had become somewhat of an obsession for him. As the days wore on, Sirius looked more and more like a corpse; with the dark rings around his eyes from the lack of sleep and a sallow, pale look on his face from the lack of proper food. If it hadn't been for Lily and sometimes, even Peter popping in with a bit of dinner now and then, James doubted Sirius would eat anything at all.

James pushed open the door to Sirius's apartment, sighing when he found Sirius asleep with his head resting on the kitchen table. James debated waking him up. Sirius looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep for a good century. In the end, reason won over sympathy, and he shook his friend's shoulder gently.

'Padfoot? Come on, mate, wake up. Lily packed you some lunch…'

Sirius jerked awake the second time James shoved him at the shoulders and blinked up at him owlishly. 'Oh, hey, Prongs! How are you this fine day?'

James moved away the papers and dirty clothing from one of the chairs and sat down. 'I'm fine, but you look worse for wear. When's the last time you got any sleep, Padfoot?'

Sirius waved away the comment, yawning widely. 'I've just been a bit busy, is all. Moody's been really piling in on us. What did Lily send me?'

James unpacked the large box of mash potatoes and chicken Lily had made especially for Sirius. Sirius grinned as he opened the box and reached out towards the counter for two clean forks.

'Sorry about the mess. I've just been so busy; I never get time to clean up anymore. There are still a couple of papers I have to go through. I think there's one place in Sheffield, I think, well, these muggles had a couple of werewolf sightings. Need to check that out…'

James swallowed a bit of chicken. 'Find anything worthwhile?'

Sirius faltered for a bit, but his smile was back just as quickly. 'Not yet, but one of these days, I'll nail that bastard.'

'Mm-hm. Sirius, it's been a really long time since…since Remus disappeared. You've been working your arse off on this, and no-' James interrupted before Sirius could say anything. 'I don't mean this as a bad way, but this is really consuming your life, Padfoot. I mean, you look like you're about to topple over any moment! Maybe you should-'

'Maybe I shouldn't.' Sirius replied, putting his fork down firmly. 'Fuck, he's out there somewhere, Prongs, I know it! I just…'

James sighed, resting his head in his hands. 'Sirius, have you ever considered that maybe Remus is-'

Sirius stood up so quick, he knocked his chair over. 'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!' he cried, his hands over his ears as if trying to block non-existent accusations. 'How dare you, James? How dare you even suggest something like that? How can you just give up like-'

'I haven't given up anything!' James exclaimed, standing up as well. 'Look, listen to me!' He pulled down Sirius's hands from his ears. 'Listen, I didn't want to tell you this, but me and Pete…we did some research a couple of weeks back. I talked to McKinnon - she works at Gringotts, and she told me that Moony stopped by the night he went and withdrew a bit of gold from his account. He closed it down and then transferred the rest into Mr. Lupin's savings account, leaving everything to his mother. He even went to Ollivanders after that and bought a new wand.'

'That doesn't mean anything…' Sirius said, sitting back down on his seat. 'That doesn't mean anything…'

'The wards are up again at Lupin cottage. That's why neither of us could apparate there that day. I checked them out, and they're darn strong to give us headaches like that.

'So, anyone could have-'

James grabbed Sirius by both shoulders and shook him harder than he'd intended to. 'Listen to me, Padfoot, Remus wasn't supposed to do magic, we both know that. Deny it all you like, but you know he wouldn't buy a wand unless he needed it. It's all too much coincidence. No one knows the exact wards to the Lupin cottage except Remus and Mr. Lupin, and it requires a good bit of magic to set up.'

'He won't-'

'And we've both seen what happens when a wizard is drained of his magic…'

Sirius stayed silent for a while, his head dropping to his chest. James hadn't let go off his shoulders yet, and he could feel Sirius's body shudder underneath his palms with every breath he took. 'It's not true,' Sirius said quietly. 'Moony wouldn't do something to get himself killed like that, Prongs. He promised me on my life. He promised me.'

'Sirius…'

'HE FUCKING PROMISED!' Sirius screamed out so loud and sudden, that James let go of him in surprise.

Sirius looked like he was going to burst into tears, and James hastened to make things better. He hated to see his best friend cry. Nothing could make him feel more helpless than Sirius's tears. 'No, look, Padfoot, maybe I'm wrong, okay. You know me, I'm always over assuming things. Moony is alive, of course he is. He loves you a lot. It's just-' He pulled his chair closer to face Sirius's and sat back down. 'I'm just saying that maybe you should get some rest yourself too, okay? You need to stop stressing yourself so much if you want to be alive for when he finally decides to come back, alright?'

Sirius nodded, albeit reluctantly. 'Yeah, okay.'

'Because if you don't Lily says she's going to move in here and terrorise your apartment.'

Sirius chuckled, sniffing and wiping his nose on his sleeve. 'That woman's a real piece of work. She's got you whipped, you know that? You might as well just ask her to marry you.'

James fumbled with the chicken that had remained forgotten for so long. It had gotten a bit cold but was still edible. 'I did.'

'Eh?'

'I asked Lily to marry me.'

Sirius's jaw dropped open 'You're joking!' When James shook his head, Sirius broke into a wide and genuine grin. 'When were you planning to tell me, you bastard?'

James shrugged, his own face breaking into a smile at the thought of Lily. 'I just asked her a couple of days ago. No big deal. You're the best man, by the way.'

'Psh. Was there really any doubt about that?' Sirius forked a mouthful of peas and potatoes happily. 'You do realise that you're only nineteen, right?'

James nodded. 'I know, but…but I've seen you, Padfoot. It's just…you're miserable without Moony…and you don't even love him.' He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, his stomach sinking all over again as he watched Sirius's expression fall. 'I just kept thinking, what if I lost Lily, Padfoot? I mean…I don't think I could…I…you know…'

Sirius looked at an old tea stain on the table. 'Yeah, I know…'

'I'm sorry. I'm just making things worse for you. I never should have brought it up.'

'No!' Sirius looked up with a fake cheery expression plastered on his face. 'No, this is great! I mean, I'm really happy for you, Prongs. This is one of the best things that have happened to me in a very long time. When's the big day?'

'August…'

'My God, that's just half a month away!' Sirius rubbed his hands together. 'So many things to plan – a bachelor's party, my bloody fantastic speech, my luscious locks…'

James laughed, punching his best friend on the shoulder. 'Thanks, mate. This means a lot to me.'

Sirius brushed off the sentiments with a careless wave of his hands. 'Ah-don't sweat it. It's my pleasure.'

James noticed that in the following few hours of his stay, Sirius hardly touched his food.

* * *

 

'…and I'm afraid this last one is yours, Shacklebolt. Your partner's Arthur Weasley. Simple procedure. All you have to do is…

_Sirius was watching Mind Your Language on television when Remus finally came home, looking downtrodden and depressed. He pretended not to notice the brunette as he slowly hung his coat on one of the door hooks, fixing his eyes firmly on the television. Sirius said nothing as Remus heaved an exhausted sigh and sat on the couch beside him, pulling up his legs and resting his head on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius knowingly wrapped an arm around Remus and pulled him closer. This was what happened every time Remus was upset; he sought physical contact and comforting touches. Sirius had been to the Lupin household enough times to know that this habit was entirely Mrs. Lupin's fault, who insisted on hugs and kisses being therapeutic. Sirius had a hankering that it was just another one of her excuses to spoil Remus._

' _Another rejection?' Sirius asked quietly, running his fingers through Remus's soft brown hair. It had gotten incredibly long, but Remus refused to have it cut._

_Remus buried his face into Sirius's neck, making an odd noise in the back of his throat. 'Four more to add to the list. I must be aiming for a record. Don't know why I bother really. They don't even bother reading my resume.'_

' _Ah, they don't know what they're missing.'_

' _Nothing much,' Remus replied bitterly. 'Maybe I should apply for the zoo instead. They might have an empty cage to put me in. Nice roomy accommodation, free food, someone to bathe you, lots of visitors; what more could one ask for, eh?'_

' _Oh hush,' Sirius admonished. 'It's their loss and you know it. You're intelligent, funny, and hardworking. Hell, I'd give you a job any day. '_

_Remus pouted. 'Yeah? What kind of job? Cleaning the kitchens? Because let me tell you, I'm not doing it.'_

' _Hm, I was thinking more in the lines of a blow job,' replied Sirius, grinning and waggling his eyebrows._

_Remus burst out laughing._

_Sirius smiled proudly, feeling very accomplished for having lifted Remus's spirits. He pulled his friend into a brief but heartfelt kiss. 'But before that…how about we go for a walk, eh? Clear up the mood a bit; it's a lovely day…'_

_Remus nodded, still smiling. 'Sure. And as a little treat, we can take Padfoot into that fountain he likes so much; the one with that barmy angel and frogs on the side.'_

_Sirius's eyes lit up with enthusiasm and disbelief. 'Really?' he asked. He must have really done a good job cheering Remus up. 'And Padfoot gets to splash around and drag you in as well?'_

_Remus smirked, that mischievous twinkle Sirius loved so much, back in his eyes. 'We'll think about it.'_

_Sirius broke into a delirious grin, jumping out of the sofa and pulling Remus by the wrist. 'Come on then…before it gets dark.'_

_Remus laughed, allowing himself to be dragged by Sirius and his manic energy. 'Okay, okay…don't forget to put your coat on. You'll need it when you catch a cold from all that splashing.'_

' _Yeah, yeah. Come on!'_

_Remus smiled as he put on his own coat and scarf. He was looking at Sirius in a way that sent pleasant tingles down his spine and made him want to ravish the werewolf on the spot. 'Padfoot?'_

_Sirius, who was trying his best to find the right key to unlock the door, didn't bother looking up. 'Hm?'_

' _I-Nothing…'_

How many times had Remus tried to tell him? How many times had Remus picked up the courage and then lost it on the way? How many times had Sirius completely misunderstood or completely ignored that adoring way Remus looked at him, or held him after they'd had sex, or even just cared for him when he'd needed it the most. Now he was gone, and Sirius felt like his entire existence had been trampled over and crushed inside. God, he missed his friend. He missed everything about Remus – the way he walked, the way he talked, even the annoying bits like how he'd always eat curry with his hands.

'You ready, Sirius?'

Sirius startled out of his musings and looked up to see Dorcas Meadows standing in front him, a hand on her hip and the other brushing back long strands of dirty blonde hair. 'Eh?'

Meadows rolled her eyes. 'We're supposed to go to Sorcha, remember? Have you been listening to anything Dumbledore's been saying for the past few hours?'

Sirius felt himself blush slightly. 'I'm sorry. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately.'

Meadows grinned and winked flirtatiously. 'Moody driving you guys crazy, eh? I don't blame you. I quit after the first year; decided being a Curse Breaker's a lot easier.'

'Ahan.' Sirius smiled obligingly. 'Why don't you brief me up on our mission then, Meadows?'

'Call me Dorcas,' she replied, putting a hand on his shoulder which Sirius shrugged off. 'Well, there's this little magical community in Ireland; Sorcha as I mentioned earlier. Dumbledore says it has been a little too active lately. Apparently, the Ministry is suddenly getting dozens of letters asking permission to magically protect their houses, restaurants and what not. Couple of them have even volunteered to join the DMLE, fancy that.'

'So? Nothing unusual about it. Voldemort's at large; the people have a right to protect themselves. Even I've registered for protection wards; big deal.'

Meadows sat down beside him, looking exasperated by his ignorance. 'You're a fool for someone so smart. It's a community, not a town or city. They weren't exactly oblivious to You Know Who's attacks. Now, all of a sudden, they're concerned by him? Dumbledore suspects You Know Who might be recruiting members there, or even directing himself to many of the muggle communities' close-by. We need to check things out before it gets out of hand; bring as many people on our side as we can.'

'I still think it's gobshit,' replied Sirius, shifting his chair a little when Meadows came too close for comfort. 'The people are going through a phase. It's like a pair of new jeans. When they come out, everyone wants one; the shops are a rage, people go crazy. I don't see us checking out H&M's for potential Death Eaters.'

Meadows shrugged, smiling slightly. 'Doesn't harm us to check it out. I heard it's a beautiful place, lots of scenery and strong liquor. Could be like a holiday, and you look like you could use one.'

Sirius wasn't so sure about it, but hadn't James told him not to overstress himself? This was an Order mission after all, and Moody wasn't going to pummel him for it. In fact, it would be considered training for his auror badge, so what was the problem? He could use a little holiday, away from Moody and his overbearing techniques of self defense. Only thing was, Sirius doubted he was going to have much fun without his best friends, especially Remus. 'Yeah, sure, I'll get packing tonight. Not like I can say no to an Order mission.'

* * *

 

Sirius clutched his hair tightly to ward off the pain that had settled permanently in the back of his head. He felt horribly tired and weak; just walking across the road right now felt like a task. He tried to sleep it away, but things had just gotten worse after he'd woken up. He felt even more unrested than when he'd started out, and he supposed he owed it to the fact that he hadn't had much to eat or drink for the past two days. Dorcas Meadows was only making matters worse.

When he'd taken on this project, Sirius hadn't thought Meadows was going to be such a pain in the neck. Unfortunately for him, she turned out to be the most irritating woman on the planet and made Sirius's blood boil almost as much as his mother used to back when he still lived in Grimmauld Place. She talked constantly, her mouth moving at the speed of sound; and none of what she said was of any relevance. It wasn't that she wasn't intelligent, but Merlin knew that after a while one must run out of topics. Sirius tuned out most of what she said anyway; he'd had plenty of practice from his childhood, so that wasn't too much of a problem.

What really ticked Sirius off was how much she insisted on touching him. She'd touch him on the shoulder, squeeze his knee when she was particularly excited, try to hold his hand when she wanted to go some place Sirius didn't, try to hug him goodnight; it was a right annoyance. Sirius had never liked being touched too much; it was a sacred Black rule. A rule Remus had broken sometime in their second year, followed only by James, Peter, and Lily. They were the only ones allowed to get that close to him, not Meadows.

Three days with Dorcas Meadows was enough to make Sirius want to jump off a cliff, or at least tear his hair out in frustration. So by noon, he'd finally had it. He ditched her with an excuse of needing some alone time (which wasn't far from the truth), and walked all the way to the muggle side of town just in case Meadows decided to look for him.

Now, he was exhausted beyond cognition and thirsty as hell. Which was why, it should have been of no surprise that he'd ended up in a small and crowded muggle restaurant (if you could call it that), sitting on a chair that felt ready to collapse under his weight. The service was terrible, there were too many people and way too much noise, which really didn't help the headache; but Sirius felt that if he didn't get something to drink soon, he'd pass out for sure.

The oversized bell at the door clanged noisily every time someone came in. Sirius wrinkled his nose in disgust when he heard someone belch loudly and pass a crude comment to one of the waitresses in his thick Irish accent. The 'No Smoking' signs remained ignored on the walls beside every booth, and Sirius's eyes watered from the strong smell of nicotine and carbon monoxide. Sirius wasn't that sensitive to cigarette smoke; all the Marauders indulged in an occasional fag once in a while, Remus more than the rest of them. However, Remus made sure to clean out the smoke after he was done, and he always freshened up his clothes and breath so that they didn't smell too bad. Sirius supposed it was a habit borne from years of trying to hide his smoking habit from Mrs. Lupin, but he was never as grateful of it as he was now.

He just wanted to get out of here. Get out and into a more civilised environment, where something called fresh air existed. Sirius wished the waitress would quit flirting with that fat arse and just get him his drink.

The bell rang again, and Sirius gritted his teeth in annoyance. How many people came to this stupid place anyway? He looked across the tables to see if any of the waitresses were available to scream at and froze instantly when he saw who had just come in through the door.

'Remus?'

It was impossible. His dehydrated mind was playing tricks on him; but no. No, Remus was there. Sirius could tell by the way Remus's eyes inspected him and the way the cigarette dangled at the edge of his mouth, almost ready to fall, that Remus had sensed Sirius there long before he'd come in. Remus must have dismissed it though, because what would Sirius be doing in Ireland after all? That too in a small town like this?

Sirius got up slowly, taking care not to break eye contact with Remus, just in case this really did turn out to be a hallucination. His heart was beating holes through his rib cage, his stomach twisting in knots, and his brain threatening to explode from the onslaught of information. Remus hadn't changed much at all. He was thinner perhaps, but just as breathtakingly beautiful as Sirius remembered him. Oh, how beautiful he was. Sirius had never noticed it as much before, had never noticed how those dimples on either side of Remus's cheek hollowed slightly even when Remus wasn't smiling. Or how incredibly long and agile his fingers were. He was…

Sirius's chair scraping against the hard wood floor seemed to have broken Remus out of a trance. Sirius had only managed to get up when Remus pushed past one of the customers and ran out of the door in a hurry.

'No! Remus!'

All the people in the restaurant turned to look at him, but Sirius couldn't care less. He ran. He ran, forcefully pushing anyone who tried to come in his way. He ran, fighting his exhaustion and using the adrenaline rush in his body to his advantage. This was the first time he'd seen Remus in over two months. The first time, and Sirius wasn't going to let him go. He was never going to let him go again. Sirius needed Remus. Sirius  _needed_  him!

'Remus! Wait!'

Sirius could see the werewolf just ahead of him, dodging the people on the sidewalk, muttering apologies as he did. He was running so fast that to Sirius, he looked mostly like a colourful blur. Or perhaps, it was because Sirius's head was spinning or maybe because he was running just as fast as Remus was.

'Remus! Moony! Please!'

People were watching them with their mouths agape, and Sirius knew that he looked like an utter fool running and screaming behind Remus like this. He wished he could use magic, put Remus in a full body bind or stun him to oblivion, but it was a muggle area. Using magic would only bring him more trouble that he needed at the moment.

'Remus, will you just fucking stop!'

Remus was running across one of the streets, and Sirius hurried to catch up with him. He was slowing down, and he knew it. His muscles protested painfully against the force he was trying to put into them, but he  _needed_ Remus. His head pounded relentlessly, his headache pummeling on with full force. He wished he had drunk some water earlier, he wished he'd gotten some rest, anything to keep him from getting this far behind Remus.

'Remus!'

Desperation was sinking in now. He knew he was falling back. Remus was getting too far ahead of him to catch up, but he ran anyway. He could hardly see Remus now and the fact that his vision kept blurring and darkening didn't help matters. Sirius blinked rapidly to clear away the dark spots; trying and failing to focus on the figure ahead of him.

The traffic signal turned green halfway through Sirius's dash across the street and he heard cars screeching to a stop beside him as he ran. Horns honked loudly, people screamed atrocities, but Sirius could barely hear them. He could barely hear anything at all. His ears seemed to have blocked out all kinds of sound or maybe it was because his brain felt too muddled up to understand any of it. The world was starting to darken around him, and Sirius cried out in surprise when he found that his eyes were wide open. He was losing sight of Remus! Oh God, no, he was losing Remus again!

Sirius's knees finally gave away in defeat halfway through his run, and he felt himself falling almost involuntarily towards the ground. As his back hit the pavement, even through his darkening vision, he saw enormous yellow flashlights and heard a car honking loud enough to make his head burst. His final thoughts before the world closed around him was how he'd failed to get Remus back again...

'SIRIUS!'

* * *

 


	32. Resting Here With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**Ackerman Villa, Ireland…** _

Remus sighed, closing the front door and lighting a cigarette with his left hand. His right arm hung limply on the side, and Remus had a suspicious feeling that he'd either dislocated or broken it. He had apparated a second too late out of the streets and gotten hit on the arm by the approaching car. It hadn't been painful then; mostly because he'd been too preoccupied with Sirius's safety. Even now, it was starting to grow numb; all he had to do was avoid moving it, and he'd be fine until he got the time to heal it. The Ministry officials, on the other hand, had been completely indifferent to his injury, badgering him with questions and complaints. They hadn't even let him heal it in fear of destroying valuable evidence.

That had been close call though; the way the officials had been going, he was almost sure he'd have to pay an inordinate fine for apparition. What a sum it would have been too; he had apparated twice in the same muggle area. He was lucky that the Black name was so renown, and that he got off free for saving one. Even the cost of casting all those memory charms had been dissolved after one look at Sirius's unconscious face.

God, what had Sirius been thinking?

Remus sat down on the edge of the bed where Sirius now lay unconscious, smoothing out the sheets beside him unnecessarily. God, how long had it been since he'd seen Sirius? Months? Years? Centuries? He truly looked worse for the wear; his face that had once been full and beautiful was now hollowed at the cheeks and unshaven. The veins on his arms encircling his wrist jutted out in a sickly, vomit green colour. He looked almost as thin and underfed as Remus, perhaps even more so. There were dark bags under his eyes and his hair looked oily and unwashed. Even his clothes (which Sirius always took pride in) looked as if they hadn't been cleaned for days and smelled faintly of sweat and wet dog. Remus closed his eyes and exhaled shakily. He needed to send a letter to James and Lily to take better care of Sirius.

'Moony?'

His name was followed by a hacking cough, and Remus quickly stubbed his cigarette against the bed post, leaving a black mark on the wood. 'Sorry, I got carried away. So, so sorry.'

Sirius coughed again, peeling off the wet cloth that Remus had placed on his forehead earlier. 'Rem-' He cleared his throat. 'This isn't a dream right? You're here.' He rubbed at his chest, swallowing thickly and looking at Remus with bright eyes. 'You're really here?'

Remus reached for the glass of water he always kept on the bedside table, taking care not to move his right arm too much. 'I'm here, Padfoot. Here, drink some water.'

'I found you!'

Remus cried out in blinding pain as Sirius launched himself into a violent hug. The water sloshed in the glass, spilling on the carpet; and Sirius moved away, looking surprised and horrified at the same time. 'What happened to your arm?'

Remus gritted his teeth. 'Nothing.' It was a very unconvincing lie, given that he was cradling his right arm to bring down the pain.

'Show me,' Sirius insisted, reaching out.

Remus moved away quickly. 'I told you, it's nothing. Just drink some water, alright. You're dehydrated and delirious.'

'Show me!' Sirius pulled at his arm forcefully, and Remus bit in to his tounge to keep from crying out. Sirius kept a strong hold however, pushing the sleeve of Remus's robes up to his shoulder. 'Fuck, Moony.' Sirius touched the enormous purple bruise on Remus's upper arm with his index finger. 'What happened?'

'It's nothing,' choked out Remus, feeling tears spring out in the corner of his eyes. 'I'll heal it.' He pulled out his wand from his pocket, but Sirius snatched it away from him even before he could say the spell.

Remus didn't even get to protest; Sirius healed it with a quick flick and put the wand on the bedside table beside a plate of half eaten casserole that Remus had had earlier for lunch. A warm sensation spread through Remus's veins, and the werewolf let a sigh of relief as the pain slowly vanished. Sirius, however, didn't let go of Remus's arm, instead choosing to massage the bruised area lightly; pressing his thumb where it still felt sore. Remus barely suppressed a shiver. He ought to move away, he knew, but couldn't. Couldn't even bring himself to look away from concerned grey eyes.

'I missed you.'

Remus nodded, his throat clenching too painfully for him to talk. He slowly extracted his arm from Sirius's and reached out for the plate of half eaten chicken casserole. 'Eat, you need it.'

Sirius looked at Remus with a hurt expression. Remus knew only too well that Sirius was expecting him to say the same thing. Maybe make loud declarations of love and how horrible it had been without him. It  _had_  been horrible without Sirius, but Remus would not admit that. Indifference was important. It was important to protect Sirius from Remus. It was important because Sirius was going home alone. Above all, it was important to protect Remus's sanity.

He refilled the glass and handed it over to Sirius, smiling when the Animagus drank obligingly. 'You need to take better care of yourself, Sirius,' Remus said quietly, placing the fork on Sirius's plate. The casserole had grown horribly cold, but Remus hoped it was still edible. He'd initially made plans to finish it for dinner, even wash it down with a beer or two from the bar near by, but then Sirius had happened.

Sirius glared at him but shoved a large forkful of food in his mouth anyway. 'Why are you doing this, Moony? You disappear for two months! Two whole months! And now you're acting like you don't even know me!'

Remus didn't know why but suddenly, he felt very angry at Sirius. Remus had sacrificed everything for Sirius. He had gone to unspeakable lengths to protect his friend, but what had Sirius done? Ran like an idiot to search for him, almost gotten himself killed, and fucked up everything that Remus had worked for, for two months! Ordinarily, Remus was the kind of person who never got angry, but he was today. He was now. 'What am I supposed to say, Sirius? Welcome to my house? Did you have a good time running head first into a car like that? Did it give you the fucking thrill of a lifetime?'

Sirius looked momentarily stunned by Remus's outburst. 'I-What?' Then his eyes widened as some sort of revelation struck him. 'You saved me,' he said slowly, 'I was going to be hit by a car. I remember now…I remember seeing it.'

Remus threw his hands up in exasperation. 'Fuck, Padfoot, what is wrong with you! For once in your life, can you just bloody  _think_? If I hadn't been there; if I'd been a second too late to see you, you could have died!  _Died_ , Sirius!' Remus found his voice breaking at the very thought of Sirius's mangled body on the road. 'What the fuck were you doing?'

'You were getting away,' Sirius replied calmly, like his life being on hold wasn't such a big deal at all. 'You were running away from me again. I needed to get to you.'

It was ironic really, how for once; it was Remus who was throwing out his anger, and Sirius who was keeping calm. 'Damn it, the whole idea of running away, Sirius, is that I don't want you there!'

'I love you.'

'What?' He'd heard wrong. Remus knew he'd heard wrong. His anger had clouded his mind and now he was hearing things that were not actually being said at all. Sirius did not tell him he loved him, because Sirius didn't love Remus. Remus was sure of that.

'I know I said I didn't that night,' Sirius continued, meeting Remus's thunderstruck eyes. He reached out for Remus's hands and slowly entwined their fingers together. 'But I didn't know how stupid I was being back then. I mean, 'course I do. I always have, Remus, and I just didn't-'

Remus didn't know what came over him then, but he lost control. He lost the indifferent façade he'd been keeping up for so long; and before he could gain it back, he was pulling Sirius into a bone crushing embrace, kissing Sirius's hair, cheeks, eyes, ears; running his hands down Sirius's back. He'd never thought he'd hear it; never thought Sirius would feel the same way. 'Say it again,' Remus whispered when Sirius held him just as tightly.

'I love you, Moony; so much. These past few months have been hell. I thought I was going to die, Moony. I can't-'

'Shut up,' whispered Remus, breathing into Sirius's hair and clutching at Sirius's shirt like a lifeline. 'You're ruining the moment.'

Sirius chuckled but otherwise kept quiet. They held each other that way for what seemed like an eternity to Remus but were merely seconds. It felt good to have Sirius in his arms again. Felt good, despite the staleness of Sirius's breath and the horrible stench of his clothes. Felt good because his heart had been aching to hold Sirius for months, and had hurt every time Remus had pushed it down.

Remus only opened his eyes when he felt slight wetness against his neck and heard Sirius sniffle. 'Padfoot?'

'I thought you had died,' Sirius said, his deep voice cracking like a thirteen year old boy. 'I thought you'd done something hideously stupid and died.'

Remus held Sirius at an arms length, looking into his teary grey eyes. 'I made a promise.'

Sirius swiped at his eyes roughly, and Remus knew that he was ashamed to be seen crying like this. 'James told me not to get my hopes up. He said you'd bought a wand and put up those security spells up at the cottage again. He said that was very strong magic for someone who's-'

Remus shook his head. 'I didn't leave until I was sure I could do magic, Sirius. I'd been planning it for nearly a week, but I didn't go until I was sure…'

'But the Healer said-'

'He estimated the recovery time for a normal wizard, not a werewolf.'

Sirius nodded, wiping his eyes again though they were dry. He let Remus's hands fall from his shoulders and leaned back against the pillows, as he picked up the plate of casserole that he'd shoved aside some time. 'Where are we?'

'My room,' replied Remus, unsurprised at the speed Sirius seemed to be devouring his food. He looked like he hadn't eaten for a good few weeks. 'I live in Mrs. Ackerman's house. She's really old, so I help her out a bit in exchange for two home-cooked meals and a roof over my head.'

Sirius sniffed again, looking down at his food. 'You seem well.' He sounded horribly disappointed.

Remus didn't bother to mention the weeks he'd spent wandering in the streets, or the sleepless nights he still had when he thought about his friends. He didn't want Sirius to know how he always kept a picture of him in his coat pocket, or how he sometimes gave away his lunch to any stray dogs he saw on the street, or how sometimes he'd watch those horrible soaps with Mrs. Ackerman just because it reminded him of Sirius.

'What are you doing here, Padfoot?' Remus asked, trying to change the subject.

Sirius shrugged. 'Order mission…rise in protection spells and we had to-' His eyes widened comically. 'Oh my God, it was you!'

Remus frowned in puzzlement. 'Me?'

' _You!_  You've been putting up protection wards in Sorcha, haven't you?'

Remus's shocked expression outdid Sirius's. 'How did you-?'

'Dumbledore was worried Voldemort might have shifted here since there's such a high population of muggles! That's why we were sent here. But it's been you all along.' Sirius laughed maniacally. 'It's been you all along, and I completely overlooked it. I should have known!'

Remus felt a little insulted at Sirius's tone. 'These people had no clue, you know. They thought Voldemort was some kind of hoax or a petty criminal. I just thought…I thought I'd do my part…and earn a good bit while I was at it.'

Sirius laughed. 'God, I can't believe I didn't see it. I must have been royally fucked. Protection spells are your specialty. I should have guessed it the minute Dumbledore mentioned it.'

'I guess.' Remus shifted uncomfortably. 'They were really ignorant, Padfoot. They couldn't even figure out I was a werewolf, not even after they saw my registry code by accident. Can you believe that?'

'From what I saw, yes I can.' Sirius put his empty plate back on the bedside table. 'Where have you been spending full moons?'

Remus shrugged, drawing invisible finger patterns on the sheets. 'There's an abandoned warehouse not far from here. I made sure no one can enter while I transform.'

'Did it hurt?'

It did. Remus remembered how he'd woken up the first full moon, unable to move without subjecting himself to blinding pain. The wolf had been frustrated at the lack of company, at the lack of prey, and the change of environment. The wolf had hated it here, and he had made sure to let Remus know exactly how it felt. 'I was fine.'

There was silence for a while as Sirius finished his water. Perhaps it was just Remus, but he looked healthier now that he'd actually eaten something. For a while, he watched Sirius's Adam's apple bob with every swallow, wondering what it would be like to be able to kiss that stretch of skin again. He quickly shook off the thought though, because he couldn't; wouldn't; not now, not ever.

'Come back home, Moony,' Sirius said finally, breaking the comfortable silence and setting the glass on the table. 'Come back. We all miss you - Peter, James, Lily.'

Remus clenched and unclenched his hand. 'I can't, Padfoot.' His heart was beating holes through his chest; beating so hard that he could practically hear it.

'But I thought you cared for me!' Sirius cried out, practically rising from the bed.

Remus pushed Sirius gently by the shoulders, back into a semi sitting position. "I do, Padfoot, a lot. That's why it's so important that I keep you safe.'

Sirius pushed Remus's hands off angrily. 'Fuck, Moony, don't tell you still believe all that shit about Greyback coming back for revenge? I told you before, he's not coming back!'

'You don't know him like I do, Sirius! You have no idea what he's capable of!'

'Give me a break, Remus! You're not Greyback's only victim!'

'We're not talking about victims here, Sirius! We're talking about rivalry!' Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He failed horribly. 'Greyback's hated my father from the start, and he made sure to get revenge. He never forgets an enemy, not until they're dead. He'd intended to kill me as well that night, but he couldn't. Do you really think he's going to stop after just one try?'

'So you're going to play the martyr and go get yourself killed, are you?'

Remus said nothing. His silence was enough confirmation.

Sirius growled, punching Remus in the chest. It didn't hurt much, given Sirius's condition. 'Damn it, Moony, we're your friends! We're here to protect each other! If the need arises, we'll fight alongside you!'

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. He could feel a migraine coming on and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly. 'You're tired, Padfoot. You need some sleep. Mrs. Ackerman isn't going to be home for a few days, so you can camp here tonight.' He stood, purposefully avoiding Sirius's gaze. 'I'll be here if you need anything.'

Sirius grabbed his arm before he could walk away. 'Remus, don't do this,' his tone was halfway between pleading and warning. When Remus tried to pull away, Sirius simply tightened his grip. 'Look, I know you're going to be a stubborn bastard about this, okay? I know that, but can you at least sleep beside me? I missed you, Moony, and I know you did too.' He pulled on Remus's hand a little more. 'If you wake up tomorrow morning and still feel the same way about this whole thing, then I'll let you go, okay?' Sirius's voice broke towards the end, but he seemed to be telling the truth. 'I promise I'll let you go forever.'

Remus hesitated, the conflict of emotions he'd been feeling suddenly piling on. He didn't want Sirius to let him go forever. He just wanted him to stay away. It was selfish of him, he knew, but…

Sirius was right. They would have to go their own separate ways tomorrow morning. There was no changing Remus's mind. Anyone who knew him knew that Remus's resolve was as firm as cement. Not even Sirius, who Remus always lost control to, could waver his conviction. Then, why not spend their last night together rather than alone? Why not savour the chance to hold Sirius in his arms one last time?

'Please, Remus.'

Sirius didn't have to protest further because Remus already found himself unconsciously gravitating towards the bed and slipping under the covers.

'You're leaving tomorrow,' Remus said, making sure there was a note of finality in his voice. 'I'm not going back.'

Sirius sniffed but said nothing. Remus had expected him to scream, protest, and maybe even try to kiss him. He did neither. Instead, Sirius simply wrapped his arms around Remus's waist, closing his eyes as he snuggled deep into the crook of the werewolf's neck.

* * *

 

_**Insight** _ _is an instance of apprehending the true nature of a thing, especially through intuitive understanding._

_**Insight** _ _is a penetrating mental vision or discernment; faculty of seeing into the inner character or underlying truth._

_**Insight** _ _is an understanding of situations that shed light on or helps sole a problem._

Sirius could never be sure if it had come to him in a dream or if he had simply thought of it as an artiste might think of a song. What he was sure of was that when he jolted awake the next morning, with Remus still fast asleep beside him, the simplicity of the idea had hit him like a ton of bricks.

He didn't wake up Remus immediately though; he wanted to think things through; make sure the plan was foolproof. It was a completely selfless act, Sirius convinced himself. It had nothing to do with watching the way the sunlight played upon Remus's face, or the way his long brown hair spread haphazardly all over the pillow (someone was going to wake up with horrible bed hair). It definitely had nothing to do with the arm slung over his chest, or even the way their legs tangled together. No, it was none of those things, no matter how pleasant they felt.

'Mm, Padfoot?'

Of course, his selfless act of letting Remus sleep didn't last long. How could it? Remus didn't know how caring Sirius was being.

'Moony, I just thought of something.'

Remus didn't open his eyes, only snuggling deeper into Sirius's shoulder. 'I don't want eggs, Padfoot. London eggs taste funny.'

Sirius smiled at Remus's delirium. Obviously, the werewolf hadn't completely woken up yet. 'No eggs, I promise. But you need to wake up, okay? This is important.'

Remus whined. 'Five more minutes?'

Sirius hated waking Remus up like this. Back home, it was usually Remus who woke up early and made breakfast; Remus who dragged Sirius out of bed by his feet; and Remus who put up with his early morning babble. It had been months since Sirius woke up with Remus by his side and for some reason, it felt like a moment to treasure right now.

The logical, traitorous part of his brain, however, didn't agree with him as much. 'It's about Greyback, Moony.'

Remus's eyes popped open, and he looked around for a minute as if taking in exactly where he was. He was about to sit up, when Sirius put a hand over his chest and another over his mouth, effectively shutting him up.

'Look, I know what you're about to say, but hear me out, okay? The only reason you're here is because you're afraid Greyback will come back, right? What if I told you I could put him in Azkaban?'

Remus removed Sirius's hand from his mouth. 'How?'

'Well,' Sirius started slowly. It was a good plan, he knew, but had a feeling Remus wouldn't be as enthusiastic about it. 'I need you to remember that night all over again…exactly how it had started out…every detail of the attack…'

Remus looked confused. 'I don't understand. Remember the-?' He stopped suddenly, eyes widening in realisation. 'Oh.' He swallowed heavily. 'Oh.' He looked down at his hands, eyes suddenly dulling with apprehension. 'Padfoot, I can't-'

Sirius grabbed Remus's face by his cheeks, forcing large amber orbs to meet stormy grey. 'Moony…Remus, you need to trust me, okay? You need to trust me because I'd never, ever do anything to hurt you.'

'But what if it-'

'It's flawless, Remus. We both know it.'

'I-'

Sirius's grip tightened. 'It will work.'

Remus took a deep breath and nodded.

'Right.' Sirius reached for his wand on the bedside table, making sure to hold Remus's right hand between his own tightly. He wasn't afraid of Remus escaping but felt that his friend needed something to hold on to if he intended to get through this ordeal. 'Right. You ready?'

Remus looked fixatedly at the wand in Sirius's hands and perhaps it was just Sirius's imagination, but his breathing seemed to quicken. He nodded vigorously, as if not trusting himself to speak, and even braved a small smile towards Sirius.

'Just trust me, alright?' Sirius said, hoping he sounded calm as he placed the tip of his wand to Remus's forehead and read out the spell in his mind. The charm itself was simple, but the task of remembering the entire incident all over again was anything but.

There was a shudder in Sirius's wand at the same time Remus made a keening sound. The tip of the wand was starting to turn silver, forcing Sirius's hand backward rebelliously. Sirius pushed back with all his strength, watching with awe as the silver grew brighter and spread further. Remus's fingers tightened around Sirius's hand almost painfully, and Sirius was quite sure that those blunt nails were digging far enough to draw blood. The werewolf's face was scrunched up in agony; his eyebrows knitting together, his teeth biting hard into his lower lip. His long hair fell in waves around his shoulder, and Sirius could barely make out the scar Fenrir had given him. To his horror, the scar burned red as if only a few days old.

A part of Remus was resisting the magic, perhaps unconsciously, and Sirius pulled his wand slowly but forcefully, willing the memory to break free. It struggled against him and just when Sirius thought it would slip back, the memory relented and fell easily into Sirius's lap. Sirius stared at the thin strand of hair, now glowing a fresh, bright silver. He levitated it into the water glass that stood on the bedside table and sealed it with a quick flick of his wrist. Flashes of Mr. Lupin's and Remus's screaming faces reflected on the glass surface, and Sirius watched them, fascinated and perplexed at how harmless it looked now that it was finally out.

Sirius shook his head and looked back at Remus whose both hands had now settled on each of Sirius's shoulders. They weren't holding him very hard, just tight enough for support. Remus hadn't even looked up yet; his eyes were still tightly shut and his breathing was still coming out as erratic gasps.

'You okay?' Sirius asked worriedly, stroking Remus's hair and finding it drenched with sweat.

Remus nodded, but Sirius noticed a single tear trace its way down the bridge of his nose and hit the bed sheets. 'I'm okay,' he assured, but his voice trembled even more than his body.

Sirius didn't hesitate. He wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him closer to his chest and keeping him there until his friend had completely stopped shaking. For a moment, Sirius was afraid Remus was going to cry and scream again but nothing of the sort happened. Remus simply lay limp in Sirius's arms, letting Sirius stroke and kiss his hair rhythmically and occasionally letting out a dry cough.

Sirius sighed, resting his chin upon the crown of Remus's head. 'Come on, Moony, let's go home.'

* * *

 

It didn't take long for Remus and Sirius to return to their apartment in London. After they'd cleared matters up with Dorcas Meadows (who didn't seem too pleased with Sirius going), Sirius had sent a short but excited letter to James and Peter about his little adventure. He'd considered explaining his plan to James through the letter but decided against it in the end; Merlin knew things got intercepted nowadays. Instead, he just mentioned that he would need James to help out a little bit, and that he was in no condition to refuse because this was about Remus. Not that he ever doubted James to start with.

So really, it should have come as no surprise when Remus and Sirius entered the flat to find James, Lily, and Peter already waiting for them on the sofa.

'Remus!' Lily jumped out of her seat and practically crashed into Remus, shoving Sirius out of the way.

Remus waved meekly. 'Hello, Lily.'

Lily decided it would be a good idea to reply Remus's greeting with a tight slap across his right cheek. It didn't seem like a very hard slap, but Sirius could swear he could hear the noise vibrating along the walls. There was a thin, red handprint on Remus's right cheek, and all the Marauders were staring at it with some sort of awe. Remus's own mouth had dropped open and seemed to permanently stay down, even as he raised a hand to touch the stinging mark.

'Do you have any idea how worried we were?' she cried out again and punched Remus weakly in the shoulder, before bursting into tears and pulling the werewolf into a hug. 'You absolute, stupid-'

Remus put his arms around her, patting her back awkwardly as she wept into his chest. The rest of them looked away, sensing some kind of private moment. It was a known fact that Lily really cared for Remus the most among the Marauders; sometimes, Sirius thought, even more than James. It could just be the jealousy talking, but Sirius still believed that if Lily ever had the chance, she would rather be with Remus than James, no matter how much she claimed to be in love with "Potter's endearing charm". It was stupid of course; third year crushes rarely meant anything at the age of eighteen.

When Lily's sobs finally subsided, they all turned to look up at Remus again. The werewolf looked thoroughly cried upon; his thin t-shirt had several wet splotches across the chest. When Sirius looked at it pointedly, Remus just shrugged and smiled at him privately.  _Women, go figure_ , Sirius could practically hear him say, and he winked at his lover in reply.

'It's nice to have you back, Moony,' said James, hugging Remus tightly after Lily had given them some space.

'It's good to be back,' Remus replied, moving to hug Peter and dodging James's attempts to ruffle his hair.

'W-we missed y-you, Moony,' Peter replied, disentangling and standing a little away from the group.

Sirius didn't know if it was his imagination or not, but Peter didn't seem too happy about Remus returning. It was the way he avoided touching Remus too much or stuttered when he talked, or even how he sometimes showed complete apathy in situations such as this. Then again, Peter had always been a little jittery and hard to read, even during Hogwarts. After all, he did help them quite a lot when Remus had first gone missing. And, didn't he mention having a hard time at work the other day? It was obvious he would; even back at Hogwarts, Peter depended solely on the Marauders to get him through things. Now that they were going their own separate ways, their little friend was just having a difficult time fending for himself. Sirius almost felt sorry for him.

'Well, if all the endearments are done, James and I need to get to the Ministry. We…just need to cancel that missing report now that Remus is back'

James looked at him strangely, and Sirius shook his head imperceptibly. He didn't know why he hadn't told the truth about Remus's memory, but some sort of paranoid instinct told him to hold the information back from Lily and Peter until they'd actually got matters cleared. Sirius had no doubt Greyback would be put in Azkaban; Remus's memories and James and Moody's testaments would prove too hard an evidence to ignore for the Ministry.

'D-do you want me to come along?' Peter asked, wringing his hands and not quite meeting their eyes.

Sirius waved it off. 'Nah! Won't even take a minute. That Bird lady doesn't like me much, so I'm taking James along. You and Lily stay here with Moony; he has stories to tell, don't you, Moony?'

Remus smiled, but Sirius could see the apprehension beneath it. 'Yeah, yeah…we'll catch up a bit.'

Peter nodded and Lily pursed her lips in disapproval; clearly sensing something amiss but not quite saying anything.

Sirius clapped his hands jovially. 'Brilliant! We'll just apparate then.' Sirius was just about to close his eyes, when he felt Remus's familiar hands grab him by the wrist. Sirius looked at him questioningly.

'Can I come along?' he whispered, so only James and Sirius could actually hear him.

'You know you can't, Moony. It's only going to cause more trouble. They'll be bloody prejudiced about it and just give you a hard time in general. Merlin knows what questions they'll ask you. They won't even give you a chance.'

'But I-'

James put an assuring hand on Remus's shoulder. 'Don't worry, Moony. We'll get it done; no one can refuse a Potter and a Black.' He grinned toothily. 'Disowned or not, we both still make up the most powerful families in the Wizard World.'

Remus nodded. 'I know. I just still don't think this is a good idea. Either of you could get hurt, especially if this doesn't work out. I don't want that happening again, especially not because of me.'

'We're the Marauders, Moony, remember?' James and Sirius grinned at each other, that childish gleam in their eyes back after a long time, as they chorused, 'We're invincible.'

Remus laughed and Sirius enjoyed the way his dimples hollowed into his cheeks.

'By the way, Moony,' Sirius continued, leaning close to his ear conspiringly. 'Lily has some good news to share. You might want to wheedle it out.' He winked towards James, who blushed slightly.

Remus nodded, smiling. 'I'll keep that in mind. Oh, and Sirius? I-' He looked at James, who seemed to still be listening in, and cut off. Remus cleared his throat pointedly, but James just smirked mischievously and moved closer.

'I know, Remus.' Sirius leaned closer for a kiss but stopped when he felt James still watching them. He glared murderously, to which his best friend simply waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Sirius looked over Remus's shoulder to see Peter turning away obediently, and Lily waiting expectantly for something romantic to happen in between them. He silently wondered when the two of them had turned into a personalised TV soap. 'Later,' he whispered, squeezing Remus's hand tightly before disapparating.

* * *

 

Remus licked across Sirius's bottom lip, teasing him into letting out a moan of discontent. Sirius pushed closer, straddling Remus's lap and seeking out Remus's tounge with his own, tasting toothpaste and something uniquely Remus. The hands slipping beneath his shirt were cool and insistent, rubbing his stomach and back, pulling him impossibly close and worshipping every inch of his skin with hard, insistent touches. Sirius's own hands were slipping past the waistband of Remus's pyjama bottoms, feeling the smooth curve of his arse, before squeezing indulgently. Remus let out a strangled gasp and arched his hips against Sirius's, letting their erections collide painfully.

The owl carrying the  _Daily Prophet_  flew through their window and settled on the table Sirius had every intention of having sex on. When neither of them responded, it hooted angrily and nipped Sirius's ear painfully.

'Ow! What the fuck!'

'Mm…' Remus smiled and smoothed back Sirius's hair. He flipped their positions easily, leaving Sirius splayed on the table on his back. 'Pay the owl, I'll make us tea.' Remus looked deliciously debauched, and Sirius couldn't help but steal a small kiss from the werewolf before letting him go.

Sirius grumbled and paid the owl from the biscuit jar on the kitchen counter. The owl hooted one last time and flew off, purposefully flapping its feathers against Sirius's face.

'Stupid bird,' he griped, throwing aside the band that held the newspaper in a roll. 'Should fry them all in nice hot oil and eat them for breakfast.'

Remus chuckled, lighting the stove with his wand. 'You could use the food. You look like a walking skeleton.'

Sirius snorted, opening to the front page. 'Right tart coming from the King of Skeletons hims-' Sirius heart nearly stopped as his eyes fell to the black, bold headlines of the  _Daily Prophet._  Fuck.

'Padfoot?' Remus turned inquiringly at the sudden silence. 'What's wrong?'

'Oh, nothing!' Sirius exclaimed, his voice sounding a bit too pitchy even to his own ears. He quickly folded the paper into two and rested his elbow on top of it.

Remus frowned suspiciously. 'What did you read?'

Sirius laughed, waving his question off. 'Just a nasty article about dogs and fleas. You know how Padfoot hates fleas.'

Remus raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing anything Sirius was babbling. He pulled up a chair beside Sirius and looked at the  _Prophet_  pointedly. 'Give it here then. Let's have a look at this shocking article of yours.'

'I really don't think-'

'Sirius…' Remus tone lowered warningly. 'What is it? Has it got something to do with yesterday?' He swallowed. 'Is it about Greyback?'

When Sirius didn't answer, Remus snatched the paper from underneath him, his eyes widening increasingly as he read the front page of the newspaper. Sirius didn't even need to look at it to know what Remus was reading; the article seemed to be imprinted into the back of his mind.

**Greyback in Azkaban! Creatures of the night burnt down!**

_\- Jack Mellon_

_After rumours regarding the involvement of Fenrir Greyback in the death of former auror, John Lupin, were confirmed by an unknown source, an angry mob of wizards and witches were found holding a protest sometime around midnight. While various complaints had been made by neighbours regarding the noise, no pervasive action was taken against it by the Ministry. In fact, the Ministry remained completely oblivious to the situation, until the mass had moved farther on to the suburbs and set the werewolf camp, hosted and funded by Greyback, on fire._

_This camp is said to have held over two hundred werewolves, mostly under the age of twenty; and serves as a shelter for the homeless and those bitten recently. Caught by surprise, very few of these creatures were able to escape, and were burnt alive in their beds. Even fewer were able to escape both the fire and the mob, and many were left injured and under medical care._

_Ministry officials, however, arrived in time to capture Greyback during his getaway and have sent the elderly werewolf to Azkaban. He is to serve a life sentence under allegations of murder and joining arms with the Dark Lord._

_For more information on the Greyback trial and John Lupin's murder, read page 12._

The paper fell away from Remus's hands.

'This wasn't supposed to happen, Remus, I swear-'

Remus suddenly let out an enraged yell and pushed the table sideways, sending it toppling to the floor. 'You told me it would be a secret, Sirius! You told me it would be kept quiet!'

Sirius stared at the broken legs of what had once been a very good breakfast table. 'I did! It leaked out! I swear!' He felt strangely exposed and guilty without the table hiding half of him; and it wasn't even his fault. 'There were only three judges there, along with James, Moody, and me! I swear, Remus!'

'YOU PROMISED ME NO ONE WOULD GET HURT!'

'And they won't!'

Remus flung the paper at Sirius's face. 'Then what the fuck is this, Sirius? What the fuck? An entire shelter burnt down! More than half of them are dead!'

Sirius stared at the paper on the ground, not sure what to say. What could he say? Sirius had thought Remus would be more concerned about the details of the attack being let out, but he seemed rather to be more upset about the werewolf killings. Sirius didn't exactly see a point in feeling any sympathy. They were all murderers, criminals; they had all sided with Voldemort; and in the end, they were the reason why Remus's father was in a coffin instead of his home where he truly belonged.

Sirius didn't understand why Remus's eyes were shining with suppressed tears of rage and frustration over these misfits. His confusion must have shown in his face because the anger in Remus's face seemed to leave a bit, as he collapsed into the chair with his head in his hands.

'There was this child,' Remus began, his voice sounding ragged with suppressed emotion. 'Rubel; he couldn't have been older than six, Sirius. He didn't even know where he was from or who his parents were. All he knew was the shelter and what Greyback taught him.'

Comprehension finally dawned on Sirius, and he reached out to put a comforting hand over Remus's.

'They were all like that, Padfoot. They were all just innocent children. They didn't know any better. No one ever told them that killing was wrong, or that they were actually human. Greyback was how they grew up. He was all they knew.'

'I-You never told me about that…'

Remus shook his head. 'It never really occurred to me until now. They don't deserve this, Sirius. It isn't fair. They're not…they're not monsters.'

Sirius stroked between Remus's thumb and forefinger. 'No, they're not.'

Remus looked up, his hand suddenly closing around Sirius's tightly. 'Can you find him? Can you check if he's alive?'

Sirius didn't have to ask to know that Remus was talking about that boy: Rubel. 'I can try.'

'He could run really fast, Padfoot. I think…I think he would have made it out…do you?

Remus looked so helpless and vulnerable right then that Sirius didn't have the heart to say no. To be completely honest, he didn't think a child that small had any chance of surviving such an enormous ordeal.

However, later in the office, he would check anyway, for Remus's sake. He would, as expected, find nothing. He wound find that the remains of the shelter were untouched, the bodies left to their own accord to rot and return back to the earth. There would be only a handful of survivors in Mungo's, very few of which would be children, and none of which would be young enough to be Rubel. He would break the news to Remus only two hours later, and Remus would simply nod and ask Sirius if he wanted to buy James and Lily a tea set for their wedding.

* * *

 

Sirius wasn't asleep when he felt Remus moving out of his arms and slipping out of the covers. He pretended to be so, as he watched Remus slowly put on his coat and shoes through the corner of his eyes. He lay unmoving, until he had heard the door softly click shut, after which he bounded out of the bed and behind Remus. He didn't think his lover was leaving; Remus hadn't taken any baggage with him like he did the last time, but he was curious as to where Remus was sneaking out at this time of the night. Sirius hoped Remus wasn't distraught enough to get himself drunk in a bar or anything like that. He knew Remus wasn't that kind of person, but everything seemed to be happening to him lately and if it had been Sirius, he would have snapped by now.

Sirius followed Remus through dimly lit streets and into a familiar gully they always used for apparition, four blocks away from the apartment. He watched with confusion as Remus stopped midway and bent down to pick a small pink marigold that was blossoming against all odds in the dankest, darkest corner of the gully. He wasn't sure how he knew, but the minute he saw the flower cradled protectively in Remus's hands, Sirius knew where his friend was going. Remus was going to seek closure.

Sirius apparated into the burnt down shelter only seconds after Remus. His gasp of surprise was only muffled by Remus's own, as he looked upon the barren area of what was once an actual living habitat. The metal gate was lying fifty feet away from the entrance with a giant gaping hole in it, clearly blasted aside by very powerful magic. The walls had been broken down in various places in similar ways, and Sirius could see maroon stains on the barb wires and brick. It didn't take a genius to figure out what those stains truly were, and Sirius quickly looked away in disgust. He looked ahead instead and saw the remains of a once blooming forest. Most of the trees had been charred to the ground and the ones that remained erect, leaned in a ghastly, dangerous way; its branches splayed out like bony arms reaching out for you. The shelter itself brought images of a graveyard to Sirius's mind. The building foundation had collapsed under the heat of the fire and buried all that inhabited it along with it. The wind blew piles of dust and rubble, and Sirius felt as if he could still hear the shrill screams of the werewolves trapped inside their own home, aching to get out.

He shivered and wrapped his coat tighter around himself. Ahead of him, he could see Remus's knees collapsing underneath him, bringing him kneeling to the ground. For a second, Sirius considered going to him, helping him out, when he noticed that Remus had folded his hands in a prayer. His head was bowed down so his temple touched his knuckles, and the marigold was clamped between his hands. Sirius himself had never been much of a Christian; he had never gone to church and could count on one hand the number of times he had actually bowed down to pray. He let go of his beliefs this time though and clasped his own hands in front of him.

It was a short prayer.  _Grant us justice,_ that was all Sirius asked for.

'I know you're there, Padfoot,' Remus said suddenly, breaking Sirius out of his reverie. 'I can feel you.'

Sirius came out of the shadows, feeling perhaps, the worst he'd ever felt his entire life. 'I'm sorry,' he said, kneeling down beside Remus.

Remus shook his head. 'It's not your fault. It's theirs.'

Sirius didn't have to know who 'they' was. 'They' was the corrupt system of management that claimed to govern their safety and well being. 'They' were the same people who let these innocent beings die such a brutal death. The burning had been no accident, everyone knew that, even the commoners. There were potentially dangerous werewolves to be disposed of; the leakage had been planned.

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's shoulder, pulling his lover closer and resting his head against the crook of the werewolf's neck. He kissed the small expanse of skin he found there, smelling faint traces of soap and sweat.

'Do you think they were happy?' Remus asked, wrapping his arms around Sirius's waist.

Sirius sighed. 'I don't know, Moony.'

'I like to think they were…they looked it.' Remus smiled slightly. 'Even if he was evil, Greyback was kind to them. He turned them into what they were, but he never abandoned them. I think…I like to think it was the part of him that remained human.'

'But he hurt you.'

'He hated my father,' Remus replied, tucking his brown hair behind his right ear. 'He made me. He cared for me. But in the end, hatred won out. But to these children, he was what my father was to me; he was their everything.'

Sirius didn't understand, not quite, but nodded anyway. 'Do you wish you'd taken the job?'

Remus shrugged. 'Sometimes. Sometimes, I think I could have given them something important, something Greyback couldn't bring himself to give them fully and completely.' He looked at Sirius, amber eyes gazing adoringly into stormy grey. 'Something you give me every single day of my life.'

'Love,' Sirius whispered, smiling.

'Love,' Remus repeated, placing the marigold over the ashes.

* * *

 


	33. Nothing Like You And I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**August, 1979** _

Remus sighed as another one of his colleagues passed by him with a scowl on her face and her eyes looking straight ahead. He should have been used to this by now; after all, it was his fourth week on the job as a Runes Translator. What an accomplishment it was too; this was the longest period he'd ever been able to hold a Wizard's job.

Mr. Samuel Pickering, the Head of the company, hadn't been too keen on hiring Remus initially. His dislike for werewolves and Remus, in general, had shown quite clearly on his face the minute he'd read Remus's credentials. However, the company had desperately needed a translator and who better to choose than Remus Lupin, who had straight O's in every NEWT subject he'd given. To some extent, Remus liked Mr. Pickering; he was harsh but kept his personal biases out of the workplace and didn't treat Remus any differently from the other employees.

' _It's_ completely incompetent; I don't know why the boss keeps _it_  anyway.' Remus heard someone whisper.

He looked up to see Mr. Pickering's secretary, Loudon Ploy, sitting only a few desks away from him and talking to two other people that Remus recognised from the Charms Department but didn't quite know their names. In his own head, he had named them 'Pimples' and 'Greasy' for obvious reasons. They were sharing a cigarette between themselves and would occasionally glare at Remus with the subtlety of a rampaging Hippogriff.

'I don't know, Ploy, the boss seems to think he's quite efficient.' Remus inwardly thanked Pimples for standing up for him.

Greasy snorted. 'Doesn't matter, does it? Half the staff is scared  _it'll_ rip their throats out, and the other half is just plain nauseated.'

Ploy nodded agreeably. 'I heard Jake's threatening to resign if Pickering doesn't fire the beast soon.'

The three of them scowled at Remus in disgust, and Remus quickly looked down, concentrating too hard on the parchment in front of him. He fought the lump steadily rising in his throat, his hold tightening on the quill he'd been writing with for so long. Ploy and the others were still talking, but Remus effectively tuned them out. He didn't need to listen to them anymore.

Remus didn't care. This sort of treatment wasn't new to him anymore. He'd grown up with it after all. His parents had sheltered him as much as they could; shifting to a Muggle town after he was bitten and taking care of him after every full moon. Yet, they were never able to avoid the regular trips to the Werewolf Registry; back then, Remus would cry into his parent's arms, screaming about the unfairness of it all. That was back when he was six; eleven years had passed since then; Remus didn't care anymore.

It looked like Remus's fourth week was going to be his last. Remus didn't care and mostly, he wouldn't blame Mr. Pickering if he decided to fire him. Pickering had given him a chance that many others had refused Remus at first glance: a chance to work according to his credentials. It didn't matter how qualified Remus was though or even how hard he worked on every task. Once people would start resigning and leaving the job, Pickering would have no choice left but to get rid of the root of the problem, namely, Remus.

He didn't care, not really. Remus just hoped he'd last the month, just enough to get his salary. Sirius's birthday was coming up, and Remus had caught him eyeing some kind of motorcycle gear (that only Sirius could name without getting his tounge caught in a knot) put on display in a dingy Muggle shop.

Remus didn't care, but the quill in his hand snapped into two.

Remus stared at the remains of his broken quill and shrugged, simply picking out another one from the holder. He had people who didn't treat him like an invalid or a monster; people who cared for him and treated him like any other human being; people who taught him to laugh at the face of his ailment; people he'd give his life for. He had his family, his friends, and the Order; and there was no way he was going to let Loudon Ploy or anyone else dampen his spirits today. No, because today was James's stag party, and he, Sirius, and Pete had spent a week planning for it, and he was going to have fun, damn it.

Remus dipped his quill in ink and began to write.

* * *

 

Sirius tipped the last of his drink and leaned back in his chair, balancing it precariously on its back legs. He couldn't stop laughing as James and Frank Longbottom drank shot after shot, competing to see who could hold his alcohol best. The party had turned out better than he'd planned. It was a small gathering, smaller than Sirius had wanted it to be, with only the Order members and a few of their old school friends invited. However, the bar itself was small, making even those handful of people look like a raging crowd.

'Moony!' James cried out suddenly, arse over tits drunk, half jumping, half toppling out of his seat. 'Just in time!' He pushed Frank Longbottom out of the way as he scrambled to get to Remus who had just entered through the front door.

Sirius's chair fell back on its front legs as he leaned forward to get a better look. He couldn't help but admire the way the dim lights of the bar reflected on Remus's honey brown hair and deep amber eyes. The werewolf looked a little tired and lined but happy nonetheless. Sirius wished Remus didn't have to work so many hours a day; it seemed to be really taking a toll on his lover.

'Guess what Padfoot got me, Moony!' James cried, slinging an arm over Remus's shoulder and practically balancing his entire weight on the werewolf.

Remus smiled knowingly. 'I don't know, Prongs. What did Padfoot get you?'

Remus was just playing along of course; he knew perfectly well what Sirius had gotten James. In fact, Sirius had suggested the idea to him the very first day they'd started planning for the party. While Remus had been reluctant then, he'd conceded after a lot of cajoling on Sirius's part; after all, no bachelor party was complete without-

'EXOTIC DANCERS!' Frank cried out, practically falling over his stool as a line of scantily clad women entered the scene.

'EXOTIC DANCERS!' James echoed, disentangling from Remus in favour of getting a better view.

The werewolf shook his head, smiling fondly. Sirius watched intently as Remus walked towards him and settled down on the seat beside his. Their hands brushed briefly. 'Lily is going to kill you when she finds out.'

Sirius raised a cocky eyebrow. 'Who's going to tell her?'

Remus laughed, a deep sound vibrating against his throat. 'How drunk did you get Prongs anyway? He could hardly stand straight.'

'Not drunk enough; it took me ten whole minutes to convince him that this was a good idea. That woman's got him whipped.'

'Mm…' Remus reached out for the glass of whiskey in Sirius's hand, making sure to place his lips exactly where Sirius's had been as he downed what was left of it in one gulp. 'Never seen Frank this wild either; who knew?'

Sirius was just about to comment on exactly how wild Frank had gotten in the last hour, when suddenly he found himself knocked back into the chair, on the receiving end of a very generous lap dance. Sirius blinked up at the woman on top of him; she smiled coquettishly but did not stop her little jig, instead pushing up her sizeable breasts against his chest. Sirius grinned, looking over her shoulder to see Remus in a similar position. Remus had been dragged to the floor by another dancer, and the bastard had actually scored larger knockers than Sirius. He glanced helplessly towards Sirius as the woman rubbed against him erratically. Sirius, in reply, simply smirked and winked at him in return.

Sirius could almost hear Remus trying to make polite excuses.

'Loosen up, Moony!'  _But only have eyes for me_ , Sirius didn't mention but made sure that they maintained unwavering eye contact, even as the girl on his lap pressed up against him.

Sirius could see Remus's eyes darken slowly in response, first in worry, then disapproval, and then just desire. It was obvious that Remus was oblivious to everything except Sirius, and the favour was returned just as well. The women aroused them; they would be lying through their teeth if they denied it, but Sirius neither indulged in the girl on his lap, nor discouraged her. This was only a part they played to keep from questions being raised; Remus knew where Sirius's allegiances lay and vice versa. In the end, all they wanted was each other.

Their intimate moment was only broken by Caradoc Dearborn suddenly thumping Remus on the back. 'Looks like you scored a good one, eh, Remus?' He screamed unnecessarily. He didn't seem very drunk, but one could never tell with Caradoc, who was known for his eccentric and odd behaviour.

Caradoc seemed unmindful to the fake smile Remus gave him or the obvious discomfort Remus was feeling at being pressed up against and forced into getting an erection by an unknown face.

'So you going to take her to home or what? You know, sweeten the deal and all?' Caradoc winked playfully at Remus.

Sirius felt his insides boil. He looked at Remus and to his surprise, found him smiling.  _Smiling!_  Like it wasn't a matter at all. Like Remus was actually considering the option of taking that sleazy bint home to fuck her. Sirius glared at Caradoc hard enough to burn holes through his skull.

'Padfoot, mate,' James slurred, pushing off the girl on Sirius's lap and settling there himself. 'You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for!'

* * *

 

Remus stubbed the last of his cigarette before switching off the lights. He made his way to the bed through memory and the small sliver of light that came from the bathroom door being left ajar. Sirius was taking a shower inside, and Remus could hear him tunelessly humming to a song that had been playing back at the bar. The success of James's stag party had put them all in a very good mood, especially Sirius, who had even smiled through Lily's scolding after the both of them had dragged a very inebriated James back home.

'Padfoot?'

'Hm?'

Remus pulled the blanket up to his chin, bracing himself to ask the question that had been plaguing his mind since the morning. 'Do you think – I mean, do you think it shows? That – that I'm not human? I mean, can you look at me and tell…that I'm a werewolf?'

Sirius stopped humming. 'What kind of bloody stupid question is that, Moony?'

'I – does it?'

'I think the answer's obvious, Moony, and I'm not going to humour you with a reply,' Sirius replied tightly, 'I don't want you asking me ridiculous questions like that again, you get that?'

Remus traced the wrinkles on the sheets with his fingers. 'I just-'

'It's those people at work, isn't it?' Sirius asked angrily. 'Fuck, Moony, I don't understand why you tolerate them or even listen to them to start with? I really don't get it. Do you actually enjoy demoralising yourself like this?'

'It's not about demoralising myself, Padfoot! To me, it seems like all of you are pretending to ignore what is so bloody obvious! I mean, everyone else sees it and all of them can't be wrong!'

Remus heard a dull 'thud' as Sirius hit the tiles. 'Fuck everyone! You're human, and that's the end of this discussion! I want you to go up there and quit first thing tomorrow; bloody bastards!'

Remus snorted derisively. 'I won't have to. I overheard a couple of people talking; I'll be fired in a few days.'

'Yeah well, all for the better! Who gives a fucking damn?'

'I do!' Remus yelled suddenly, his hands clenching the sheets tightly. 'For once, Padfoot, I'd like to be able to get a job and keep it! Is that really too much to ask?'

Sirius said nothing, but Remus could tell that he was furious. If there was something the Animagus was good at, it was expressing his anger theatrically. Remus could hear the taps squeaking as they were forcefully turned shut; the whining of the steel railing rolling on its hinges as Sirius grabbed his towel; the banging of cabinet doors as Sirius took out his toothbrush and paste; and the mutinous scrubbing as Sirius brushed hard enough to make his gums bleed.

Remus sighed regretfully and turned on his back. He shouldn't have brought the topic up; he knew how much things like this agitated Sirius.

Even through closed eyes, he could tell Sirius had entered the room by the slapping of his bare feet against the floor. Remus knew his lover's routine by heart: Sirius would change into a pair of boxers and a borrowed t-shirt from Remus; he would then spend a good five minutes in front of the mirror combing his freshly cut hair back diligently; and then finally slip into bed beside Remus, falling asleep with a final kiss on the lips.

However, there were no tell tale signs of Sirius going on about his daily rituals and a part of Remus – the part that always thudded loudly against his chest in Sirius's presence – told him that Sirius was coming closer to the bed. Standing in front of Remus. Placing a soft damp hand on Remus's forehead.

'I'm sorry,' breathed out Remus, as Sirius stroked his hair out of his face and behind his ears. 'I ruined your good mood. I'm an absolute prick.'

Sirius chuckled, stroking Remus's cheek with his knuckles. 'You didn't ruin my mood, Moony,' he whispered softly. 'I just…I really hate it when you say things like this. I hate it.'

'I know. I'm sorry.'

'Tired?'

Remus hummed quietly, leaning a little into Sirius's touch. 'Just a bit.'

'Pity.'

Remus made a soft noise of discontent as Sirius's hands moved away. He pouted unconsciously and opened his eyes questioningly only to have them pop out of his head. Sirius was standing in front of him, blissfully naked and aroused, only a towel draped around his shoulders. Remus watched as droplets of water from Sirius's hair trickled south in a steady stream.

Remus swallowed; Sirius grinned, cocking his head to the side unabashedly. 'I was kind of hoping we could have a little celebration of our own.'

'Come here,' Remus said hoarsely, pulling Sirius into the bed by the towel.

Sirius kissed him then, hot and hard; lips soft but tounge insistent; teeth nipping but hands gently twining into smooth brown hair; knees nudging between Remus's thighs until they parted. They broke apart only when the need for air became too great to ignore.

'Not that I'm complaining,' panted Remus, as he raised his arms to help Sirius pull off his t-shirt. 'But what brings on this little _celebration_  of ours all of a sudden?'

Sirius trailed butterfly kisses on his jaw; his neck; his shoulders; his hands moving down to work on getting rid of Remus's pants. 'We need an occasion to have sex now? What are we: fifty?'

'No.' Remus gasped as Sirius gently bit into his navel. 'So, this has nothing to do with you being nervous about James and Lily's wedding tomorrow, eh?'

Sirius snorted, kissing his way back up Remus's chest. 'You should know by now, Moony love. Sirius Black never gets nervous.'

'Ahan, then you should also know by now, Padfoot, that Remus Lupin can tell when Sirius Black is brooding over something and when he just wants to fuck for no reason.'

Sirius face scrunched up in distaste even as he fumbled in the drawer beside their bed. 'Must you make it sound so crass? I'm trying to show I love you here.'

'I already know that, you idiot.' Remus grabbed the lubricant from Sirius's hands, simultaneously flipping them over so that he was now straddling Sirius's waist. 'You topped last time; it's my turn now.'

Sirius complied, wrapping his legs around Remus's waist and pulling him closer. 'I just really want it to mean something, that's all. I mean, it's so easy for James and Lily-'

'So this  _is_ about them after all,' said Remus, as he sheathed himself inside Sirius. He couldn't help but moan at the overwhelming feeling of being inside Sirius; hot, wet, and tight.

'It's easy for all of them,' Sirius gasped as Remus brought up a hand to fist his straining erection. 'I mean –  _ah_  – all James has to do is give Lily a ring and she knows. The whole –  _fuck, harder, fuck_ – the whole world knows she belongs to him.'

Remus stilled in realisation.

Sirius growled in dissatisfaction. 'You stopped! Why the fuck did you stop?'

Remus looked at Sirius, debauched and disheveled in front of him; sweat and water pooling at the hollows of his body; panting with sheer need. 'You, Padfoot, are the daftest man alive, you know that?'

Sirius pulled Remus closer by the small of his back. 'And I'll also damage something vital if you don't fucking  _move_  already!'

Remus laughed and kissed Sirius lightly on the lips, before setting back the rhythm between them. 'It doesn't matter, Padfoot. The people who matter already know: James, Lily, Peter, my mum and my aunt – we don't need anyone else.'

'I know that. Just, I'm not ashamed of this, Moony,' said Sirius, reaching for Remus's unoccupied hand and twining their fingers together. 'I'm not ashamed of us.'

'And neither am I -  _ah_  - but we can't. You know very well that we can't. The world doesn't understand us, Padfoot, it never will.'

'I hate Caradoc,' Sirius replied completely off topic, a petulant pout forming on his face. The pout was quickly transformed into a moan of gratification as Remus hit the right spot within him again and again.

Remus captured Sirius's lips before he could say anything else; putting in all the love and passion he was feeling into that one kiss. It was messy, with too much tounge and spit, but they had come to a point where it didn't really matter. They kissed until the pleasure between them had intensified so much that all they could do was breathe into each other's mouths.

'What we have is special, Padfoot,' Remus panted out, his toes curling. 'It's exhilarating and wonderful because in the end, there's nothing like you and I.'

Remus could tell that Sirius wasn't entirely satisfied with the explanation, but he never got a chance to protest, as his orgasm took over him. He came hard and fast between them, Remus filling him only seconds later. No words were exchanged except Remus's name, which tumbled from Sirius's lips like a prayer, even as they fell into a deep slumber – a tangle of limbs.

* * *

 

'You may kiss the bride.'

Mr. Evans, Lily's dad, wiped a stray tear from his eyes. He smiled when he caught Sirius looking at him. 'They grow up so fast,' he said as a way of explanation.

Sirius just smiled back, a little embarrassed.

'Smile for the camera! Ready, one, two, three-'

FLASH!

Sirius blinked, seeing spots in front of his eyes.

'How about a better picture for me, Padfoot? Best man and all?'

Sirius recognised the voice immediately and sure enough, he could see Remus smiling with his own camera in his hands.

'Moony! You're late!'

Remus nodded, his smile growing wider. 'I came just in time for the vows. Can't not attend my best mate's wedding now, can I?' He grinned at James and Lily, who winked back in reply. 'I was sitting at the back.'

That explained why Sirius hadn't seen him during the ceremony. He nodded, throwing his arms around both the bride and the groom and smiling widely. There was another flash as Remus took two more pictures of them simultaneously.

'Come on up, Moony!' James yelled, already pulling Remus by the hand. 'You too, Wormtail! I'm not going to stand here and be blinded alone!'

Sirius smirked, pulling Remus by the waist until their sides collided painfully. 'I've never seen you in dress robes before,' Sirius murmured from the corner of his mouth. His eyes traveled across Remus's body, taking in the obsidian black robes and the light gold embroidery at the cuffs and collar. The robes were made of thin, flimsy material, falling to reveal Remus's hard contours perfectly despite being a tad too loose.

'I rented them; never been much for robes,' Remus explained, swinging a hand over Peter's shoulder for the picture. 'Had a hard time finding my size. That's why I ran a little late.'

'Hm, they're nice robes,' Sirius declared, turning back to look at the camera. 'They make you look incredibly-'

'Ridiculous? Stupid? Trollish?'

'Fuckable,' finished Sirius, enjoying the blush that crept up Remus's cheeks. In all honesty, the robes made Remus look _beautiful_ , but Sirius preferred keeping this bit of information to himself really. He wasn't that much of a ponce.

'Will you two stop talking and SMILE!' snarled Lily, looking back. She looked absolutely gorgeous in her flowing wedding dress and her hair tied up in an elegant bun. Loose strands of hair framed her face perfectly and her emerald green eyes were sparkling like never before. 'These are my wedding pictures, and I want them to be PERFECT. You hear me, Sirius Black, PERFECT?'

'Don't you just love her?' James asked dreamily. His hair was lying flat for the first time in his entire life; something only copious amounts of hair gel and determination in the form of Sirius Black could truly achieve. It was odd to see scruffy little James looking so immaculate and proper, but one could not deny that he also looked quite handsome.

'Lily's a bit on the edge,' explained Sirius to Peter and Remus. 'She thinks I'm going to blow up the hall, or even worse, that I'm going to get drunk and screw up my speech.'

Peter giggled.

Remus raised a sardonic eyebrow. 'And are you?'

'Screw up the speech? Nah!' Sirius winked mischievously. 'Get drunk and blow up the hall? Maybe…'

'I heard that, Sirius Black!' Lily scolded, while somehow smiling radiantly for the camera. 'Don't you dare! I'm warning you! For the sake of your bollocks, don't you dare!'

'Don't do it, Padfoot,' Remus whispered so that only Sirius and Lily could hear him. 'For the sake your bollocks and mine, too.'

Sirius burst out laughing; Lily simply groaned.

Once the camera men had shooed them off of the platform, so that they could take pictures of the bride and groom with their parents, Sirius, Remus, and Peter went to occupy the main table

'Have you seen my mother?' asked Remus leaning up in his chair and trying to look over the crowds.

Sirius and Peter looked at each other. 'She didn't come, Moony,' Peter said slowly, putting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

Remus looked puzzled. 'Why? She got the card, didn't she? I know she did, 'cause I helped Lily write most of them.'

Sirius nodded. 'She did. I asked Wormtail to call her up and ask if she needed a ride; she said she was sorry and that she had work and couldn't come.'

'Oh,' Remus said slowly, the disappointment in his voice showing clearly.

'She sent over a gift though,' Peter tried. 'I think it's a blender. James and Lily seem to have gotten a lot of those from all the muggle guests.'

Remus smiled weakly, the twinkle in his eye that had been there only minutes before dulling considerably. 'She's been working a lot lately.'

A waiter stopped by them with a platter full of hor'dourves; Sirius helped himself to a handful. 'Well, a psychi- psycho- the job that your mother does is very demanding.'

'Do you think something's wrong with her? I mean, she hasn't been the same since dad…you know…'

Sirius heard Peter swallow his food loudly and frowned. 'Give her some time, Moony. You can't force yourself upon her all the time.' Sirius used his toothpick to poke Peter in the bum to see how thick skinned he was; Peter seemed too engrossed in his food to notice. 'Tell you what, we'll take the motorbike this weekend and go visit her. How does that sound?'

Remus smiled, biting into his egg roll. 'Yeah. Yeah, that sounds all right. Don't eat too many of those, Padfoot, you won't have space for dinner.'

Dinner was a pleasant affair; the Marauders and Lily all sat together while the parental units sat opposite to them. The food was excellent, if the way Peter was shoveling pudding into his mouth was any indication; and Sirius felt great to be having dinner with the Potters again. They were, after all, practically like his own family and better parents than his own had ever been. It was almost like being at Hogwarts again; talking about irrelevant moments of their daily lives, the war put aside to the back of their minds. James and Lily couldn't look happier, and Sirius felt an odd bubble of happiness rise inside him every time he saw them look at each other with glazed over eyes.

The Evanses and Potters were getting along supremely well too; especially Mr. Evans who seemed at awe with everything magical and kept asking questions like _'but where does it all come from?'_  and  _'did you magic the food as well, simply fascinating!'_. Lily's sister, however, was an entirely different story. She scowled at everything and everyone, particularly Sirius's robes. It peeved Sirius to no end, especially considering that the robes had cost him a fortune and was of the finest quality. There was no way he looked anything less than handsome, and he certainly did not appreciate being looked at like he was some kind of troll.

Sirius thought Petunia Evans looked like a horse that had gotten the shoveling fork stuck up its arse, and he was about to turn to Remus and say so when he heard Mr. Potter mention his name.

'Sirius!' Mr. Potter repeated jovially, patting Sirius on the hand. 'Now that James is finally married and settled, don't you think you should follow suite?'

Sirius felt Remus stiffen beside him. Even James, Lily, and Peter stopped talking.

'Do you have any pretty little lady in mind?'

Sirius shrugged, attempting a careless smile. 'You know me, Mr. Potter, only girl I can stand being with long enough is my motorbike.'

Mr. Potter winked. 'Ah, Sirius, ever the player; you'll have to settle down sometime. Best start searching now. I don't think you'll have much of a problem either, the ladies are cramming for you back there.'

Sirius felt Remus's hand settle just above his knee, and Sirius rested his own on top of it, squeezing lightly.

'I think it's time for a toast!' Sirius said suddenly, standing up. He didn't really know what else to do to break the discomfort that had fallen between them. He cleared his throat, a little unsure of what to say but looking confident and relieved to have something else to do.

'Two years ago, if anyone ever told me James Potter would be marrying Lily Evans, I would have laughed at their faces. I think, most of us have lost count of the number of time Prongs came back with warts all over his face; an after effect of asking Lily out for the umpteenth time, no doubt.' The crowd laughed, but Sirius was mostly concentrating at just James and Lily now. 'Oddly enough, our Lily flower was as quoted "more willing to date the Giant Squid before she ever went out with Potter". I can't blame her though; the Giant Squid had the nicest suckers I'd ever seen.'

Sirius heard Remus's soft laughter and smiled, swirling his wine glass for show. 'But I don't think anyone can be more grateful than us that our dear Ms. Evans finally conceded. It was the end of a lifelong torment of  _"Padfoot, why won't Evans go out with me?"_  and  _"do you think it's because I have a fat arse?"'_

James showed him the finger and Sirius laughed.

'More than that, though, Lily Evans completed the Marauders and filled the void among us that craved a female touch. She cared for us, cooked our meals for us, even cleaned our houses for us; she crept into our lives so subtly that it was almost impossible for us to realise just how much she had become a part of us and our little family.'

'Hear, hear!' cried Peter, making Lily blush to match her hair.

'She is truly one of the most wonderful women I've ever met. I don't know how you did it with a mug like yours, Potter, but I think it's an excellent tactic: sealing the deal before she got away. Now she's stuck with you till death does you apart.'

The crowd laughed; James grinned and winked slyly.

'So, here's to my brother, James Potter and his wonderful wife, Lily Evans because they are obviously the beginning of something truly wonderful. Cheers!' Sirius raised his glass before gulping down his drink in one go.

'That was beautiful, Sirius,' Lily whispered, kissing him on the cheek.

* * *

 

Lily frowned disapprovingly as Sirius twirled her mechanically, his movement fluid with practiced ease. 'You know, Sirius, I know I'm not exactly up to your pureblood dancing standards, but you could at least  _try_  and look like you're enjoying yourself.'

Sirius didn't respond; in fact, he wasn't even looking at her.

'Sirius!'

Sirius startled. 'Oh, sorry, Lily. You were saying something?'

Lily sighed. 'Go on then, tell me what's on your mind.'

Sirius smiled enigmatically; it would have worked on most women but not Lily Evans. 'Nothing at all, Lily darling. I don't know why you'd ask as such.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'Come on, Sirius, don't insult my intelligence. You've been like this since the beginning of the dance. Earlier, I think. Wait,' Lily said, her eyes widening in realisation. 'Does this have anything to do with what James's dad said?'

'Nah!' Sirius replied nonchalantly, but there was a tell tale flicker in his eyes.

'Sirius…' Lily said, her tone low and warning.

'Look, Lily, drop it. It's nothing you'd understand anyway.'

Lily looked appalled. 'Why ever not?'

'Because you're straight,' Sirius replied dully.

'Oh, Sirius,' she said, her eyes mellowing as she tucked his dark hair behind his ears. 'You're upset because you can't marry Remus, is that it?'

Sirius nearly dropped her on the floor in shock. 'WHAT? NO! Jesus, Lily, I don't want to marry him! Where in Merlin's name do you come up with these ideas?'

'What is it then?' Lily asked, a little disgruntled over being wrong.

Sirius sighed. 'You'd think I was being daft.'

'Try me.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Fine,' he said reluctantly. 'I'm jealous of my niece.'

Lily blinked. 'What?'

'I'm jealous of my niece,' repeated Sirius through gritted teeth.

Lily looked at ten-year old Nymphadora Tonks, her hair a nice platinum blonde today. She was dancing with Remus, not far away from them, and barely reached his waist despite standing on his shoes. Her bright pink dress swayed gracefully with the music as Remus guided them through the dance floor. She would occasionally laugh at something undoubtedly funny that Remus would say; her childish laughter loud and careless. To be honest, Lily had asked Remus to dance with the child, just to occupy her long enough to stop toppling things over. They had already lost a very expensive crystal vase.

'I'm not asking for much, Lily,' Sirius continued slowly, opening up to her. 'I don't want to marry him or something stupid like that. But I wouldn't mind being able to hold his hand without everyone looking at us like we were the scum of the Earth. I mean…' Sirius breathed heavily. 'You and James, you guys can have it off in public, and no one will say a thing. I so much as kiss him on the cheek and there are about eighty people with lighted wands after me.'

Lily stroked his shoulder reassuringly.

'I'm tired of always having to keep it a secret, always having to confine everything we do in a curtained room. I don't even like dancing, but I wouldn't mind too much it if I ever got a chance to dance with him.'

Lily had never truly realised how hard it had to be for Remus and Sirius; to be in a relationship, but never be able to show it in fear of rejection. She realised how restricted they were in front of other people, never so much as sitting together in case people saw something off about them. She imagined being like that with James and found it too hard to even think of.

'I understand,' she said softly after a while. She didn't know what else to say.

Sirius laughed bitterly. 'You don't but thanks for trying. Forget it; I'm getting too sentimental in my old age. Where's James?' he asked, abruptly changing the topic.

'He's dancing with my sister.'

Sirius's eyes widened and a familiar mischievous grin spread across his face. 'No way! That hag?' He stood on his toes, no doubt searching for James.

Lily thwacked him up the head. 'That's my sister you're talking about.'

'Yeah, but you have to admit, Lily. She's a real piece of work.'

Lily huffed.

'Poor, James. Lucky for me, I got you, eh, Evans?' Sirius waggled his eyebrows.

Lily blushed and hit him again. 'Oh hush. Petunia isn't that bad. She can be really nice when she wants to, you know.'

Sirius grinned. 'I'm sure she can, just as I'm sure that you're sendoff is going to be a quiet and peaceful affair.'

'You didn't?'

'You honestly didn't think Sirius Black would leave a party without some kind of explosion, did you?'

'Sirius Black, I'm warning you! If you-'

'Relax, love,' Sirius said, kissing her on the cheek. 'It's just a few fireworks. Made them myself, with a little help from Moony of course.'

Remus, Lily convinced herself, if Remus was involved then there would be nothing to worry about. Things would be relatively risk free. Yes, Remus was a responsible, mature adult, who actually thought Sirius's hideous black bike was the sexiest thing on the planet. Oh, she was doomed.

Lily wouldn't think about it. No, she'd best concentrate on other matters at hand. 'Sirius, about Remus…'

Sirius's handsome face scrunched up in disdain. 'I told you to drop it. It doesn't matter.'

Lily raised a confident eyebrow. 'Even if I told you I had a way to make all those things possible? Even if I said you could not only hold his hand without getting bludgeoned, but could go as far as kissing him in public?'

Sirius twirled her and tipped her back as the song ended, an amused grin gracing his features. 'I'm listening...'

* * *

 

Remus clutched Sirius tightly as the motorbike took another sharp turn to the left. 'Padfoot, I thought we were going home!' he yelled over the roaring sound of the engines. Much to his annoyance, his hair was flapping wildly around his face and kept trying to get into his mouth. 'We just passed by the flat!'

'We will, once I'm done showing you something!' Sirius yelled, not quite looking back. The bike took a sharp dive downwards, plunging towards the earth at a lethal speed.

The first time Sirius had done this, Remus had screamed like a girl. Over a hundred rides later, plummeting to the ground towards certain death felt equal to a pin prick. The stunt was just a part of the thrill for Sirius, and the novelty of a new flying charm would probably wear off with time or so Remus hoped. Besides, though he would never admit it, Remus somewhat enjoyed the bike rides; there was a certain excitement to flying on a bike that he'd never felt with a broom; the thrum of the engines beneath his thighs and the risk of being caught by anyone who so much as decided to look up. Also, Sirius's recklessness gave an excellent excuse for Remus to grope him shamelessly.

The bike screeched to a halt, making Remus jerk forwards. 'Is this why you insisted we change back to our muggle clothes? Where are we?'

'I'm not sure myself, but Lily said it would be a block away.'

Beside them, Remus saw a wino staring at them with eyes the size of dinner plates; Sirius wasn't exactly known for his subtlety. Remus tossed a two pound coin to the ground; not that anyone would believe the man's drunken tales of flying motorbikes, but just in case.

'What's a block away?' asked Remus, hurrying to catch up with Sirius, who was now walking in long strides.

Sirius grinned, stopping abruptly. 'That.' He pointed upwards.

Remus felt his jaw drop.  _'Queens of London_?' he asked incredulously, reading the enormous neon red sign but not quite believing it. 'You must be joking.' The O flashed on and off across Remus's face, making it look comical. Not that Remus could bring himself to care; he was too busy looking at the rather hideous yellow crown on top of the Q.

'Isn't it fantastic?' asked Sirius gleefully, swinging an arm around Remus's shoulder and pulling him closer.

Remus wasn't too sure about Sirius's definition of fantastic. 'It can't be…is it?' The two men walking out of the tinted glass door in a passionate lip lock was all the confirmation Remus needed. 'Blimey!'

'Come on, let's go in!'

Remus didn't have a chance to protest as Sirius bodily dragged him through the inside.

Men: that was the first thing Remus noticed. Scores of men. Men holding hands, men kissing, men flirting with each other, men dancing; it was full blown testosterone. Aside from that, however, Remus noticed that the bar was not so different from the ones they usually went to. He wasn't sure what he was expecting exactly, but the quaint and modest setting had admittedly shocked him a little. There were a row of chairs and tables at the back; a bar to their right; and a platform to their left where a humble crowd was dancing to the band's soulful music.

'Wow,' Sirius said breathily and Remus couldn't help but agree.

'How did Lily know of this place again?' Remus asked, unable to take his eyes of the two men at the corner table sitting close, as if on a date.

'You don't want to know.' Sirius held Remus's hand in his, looking around cautiously, testing the waters. 'Come on,' he said finally, beaming when Remus's hands tightened around his. 'I love this song!'

Sirius dragged Remus to the front to get a better view of the band that called themselves 'The Lazy Layabouts' – obviously one of those muggle bands that covered famous songs. Remus would recognise the opening anywhere; he'd bought the record for Sirius after all, and they'd been listening to it every morning until both of them would actually end up singing word for word while making breakfast.

'LONDON CALLING!' Sirius screamed more than sang, pulling Remus against him, so that every inch of their bodies touched. 'TO THE FARAWAY TOWNS! NOW WAR IS DECLARED-'

Remus couldn't help but grin, as many others joined in, dancing wildly and in Sirius's case, practically jumping on the balls of his feet.

'Come on, Moony! You love this song!' Sirius yelled into his ear, eyes bright and brilliant, and hair flying all over the place.

'THE ICE AGE IS ROLLING, THE SUN ZOOMING IN! MELTDOWN EXPECTED-'

'Oh, this is fan-bloody-tastic!' Sirius cried, as Remus couldn't help but sing along. 'Oh wait, wait…here comes our favourite part…' Sirius grinned, waiting for the last line of the chorus to come, before both of them screamed out together, 'CAUSE LONDON IS DROWNIN' AND I, LIVE BY THE RIVER!"

Both of them burst out laughing, clutching each other for support, tears of mirth pooling around their eyes. None of them exactly why either of them were laughing so hard, just that it was the most relief and joy they'd felt in a very long time. It felt like finally being let of a cage; the bubble of happiness that had settled within them since they'd heard about James and Lily's wedding swelling and filling them throughout.

'Merlin,' Sirius panted out, clutching the stitch on his side.

Somehow, both of them had ended up with their arms around each other; Remus's arms around Sirius's shoulder, while Sirius's around Remus's waist.

Sirius rested his head against Remus's collar bone, still chuckling a bit. 'I've wanted to do this for ages, Moony; can you believe…can you believe this is actually happening? That no one actually cares? Look at these people…they're-'

'It's brilliant,' Remus agreed, unconsciously swaying to the music. He hadn't even realised the music had slowed down to a still upbeat but more mellow tune. It wasn't a song Remus recognised, and he also realised that they were dancing a lot slower than they were supposed to.

Sirius hummed against his neck, snuffling a bit. 'Bloody ace. We'll have to get Lily something really good this Christmas for this…'

'Yeah,' Remus said, not really concentrating on much except the feel of Sirius in his arms and the way their bodies moved slowly against each other in perfect harmony.

'Just us now…you and I…and everyone here knows…' Sirius whispered, his hand around Remus's waist tightening possessively. 'You're mine, promise me that.'

Remus looked up into Sirius's deep grey eyes, smiling wickedly as an idea formed in his mind. 'I, Remus Lupin,' he started.

'And I, Sirius Black,' Sirius continued, grinning as he joined in the game.

'Promise to take you as my best friend and fellow Marauder.'

'Lover and wonderful roommate.'

Remus smirked. 'To pick you up every time you fall.'

'And never laugh at your misfortune while doing so.' Sirius dodged Remus's playful punch. 'Also, to always support you in all your endeavours.'

'Even if it involves flying motorbikes and me ending up dead.'

'I'd never let anything happen to you, Moony,' Sirius replied sincerely, holding Remus close to him.

Remus's fingers stroked the ends of Sirius's hair and neck. 'To try and not burn the toast every morning.'

'And to throw out the garbage every other day, and maybe even do the laundry… _maybe_.' Sirius emphasised when he saw Remus beaming. 'Oh, and have sex at least once a day…let's not forget that important bit.'

Remus laughed quietly. 'But most of all, I promise to love you…'

Sirius smiled. 'For better or for worse…'

'For richer, for poorer…'

'In sickness and in health…'

'From this day forward, till death do us part,' Remus whispered the last bit, feeling unbearably naked as their moment of fun turned into something a lot more intimate. It hadn't meant to go this far, but Remus's heart was beating rapidly as Sirius gazed at him with all the love in the world.

'And the after life reunite us again,' Sirius finished softly.

They were glued together now; hips, shoulder, thighs, arms; looking completely inseparable as Remus buried his face into Sirius's neck and laughed. 'God, we're so queer,' he said, still unable to believe how the night's even were turning out for them.

'Hm...we are…but we forgot the most important part.'

Remus looked up questioningly. 'We have?'

'Yeah,' Sirius said quietly, before capturing Remus's lips in a soft kiss.

* * *

 


	34. Changing Seasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**September, 1979** _

'Remus?'

Remus shifted his overstuffed rucksack to the other shoulder. 'Hello, mum.'

'What brings you here?' she asked, smiling as he kissed her on the cheek.

'Didn't you get my letter? I'm going to stay over for the weekend.'

For a minute, it seemed as if his mother's smile faltered, her expression changing from disappointment to confusion. 'I guess I must have neglected it; it's been so busy at the hospital lately, I just never have the time.'

Remus frowned disapprovingly, following her inside. 'You stress yourself too much.'

As he passed by the living room, Remus noticed the centre table was littered with books and papers, pens still uncapped; she must have been working before he came. Remus vaguely wondered if his mother was getting any sleep at all, she certainly didn't look it. Her pretty petite face now looked more worn and tired; there were deep lines etched at the corner of her eyes and around her mouth, and hints of grey hair peeking through her dark blond hair. She was already dressed in her work clothes – a short grey skirt and a matching coat over a neatly pressed Oxford shirt. However, despite her immaculate hair and dress sense, she looked… _shabby_ …worn out.

'Why don't you go freshen up, Remus, and I'll make tea.'

'Hm, you aren't going to work, are you, mum? I mean, it's a weekend, and I was really hoping we could do something together.'

Del smiled kindly and stroked his cheek. 'I'll have to leave in an hour, baby, but I'll see if I can make it a short day, okay?'

Remus nodded unwillingly, climbing up the stairs two at a time and only stopping to dump his bag in his room before he went into the bathroom. He didn't know why, but the very idea of being home after so long excited him. He loved it here; the Lupin cottage was where he grew up after all. It held all his memories – good and bad.

Nostalgia overcame him as he walked to the sink; he remembered the hard time he would give his parents before every bath, fighting and kicking to avoid getting in to the tub, and then refusing to get out once he was in. He had broken his leg for the first time here, too: he'd been doing some kind of silly happy dance and slipped on a puddle of water and fell hard. He remembered faking pain after that just to get extra attention from his family.

Remus chuckled to himself and began washing his face. It wasn't until he had reached out for the soap that he'd actually noticed the two sets of toothbrushes – a red one and a green one – and if memory served him right, then the green one was his father's. It sat there beside the red, bristles tilting haphazardly from frequent use. Remus frowned and opened the cabinet, only to find everything the way it had been in the summer before everything had gone wrong. His father's razor; his shaving cream (partly empty); a thin comb and some hair gel; potions and medicines for various magical injuries and illnesses – everything was perfectly placed alongside his mother's things and ready to use. He looked at the towel rack and sure enough, there were two sets neatly folded beside one another.

Remus blinked, confused and a little shocked.

'Baby, are you done? Tea's ready!'

'C-Coming, mum!' Remus yelled back, exiting the bathroom. However, instead of heading back downstairs, he hurried into his parent's bedroom, quickly closing the door behind him before his mother noticed his little switch.

The bedroom was exactly as it had been before Remus had left to live in his own apartment: large bed, twin bedside tables upon which rested twin lamps, a cupboard, a dresser, and a side of the wall decorated with neatly arranged pictures frames.

He walked towards the dresser, heart filling with dread and finally dropping when he saw exactly what he'd been afraid of: nothing had been removed – his father's possessions remained exactly as he had left them. His comb and cologne remained strewn across the wood haphazardly, the cologne bottle still uncapped and half empty probably from evaporation. It was as if his father had been in a hurry and just forgotten to put them back in their proper place.

Remus hurried to the cupboard now, pulling it open with more force than necessary. He couldn't help but let out a choked gasp at what he saw: robes, neatly hung beside his mother's clothes; there was a sleek black muggle suit towards the end, reserved for parties arranged by Del's side of the family; jeans and casual shirts lay on the right, freshly laundered and folded in neat little squares.

'Remus!'

Remus jumped so suddenly that he hit his head hard against the cupboard door. He closed the door hastily, practically running across the room. 'I'm done!' He gave the room one last doleful look before hurrying back downstairs, all the while ignoring the little voice of reason forming at the back of his mind.

'There you go,' Del Lupin said, smiling as she placed his tea and a plate of chocolate biscuits before him. 'Mrs. Smith baked those for you.'

Remus tried to keep his hands from shaking as he drank his tea. 'For me?'

'Mm, she's losing her memory in her old age. She thinks you're still eight and I haven't the heart to correct her.' Del sat down on the seat opposite to him; Remus noticed she hadn't prepared any tea for herself. 'She drops by sometimes asking for you or giving away fresh homemade biscuits. I just tell her you're in school.'

Remus nibbled at the corner of one of the biscuits, suddenly not feeling very hungry despite having skipped breakfast.

'Remus, is that a bump?'

Remus startled as his mother stood to inspect his forehead. 'It's nothing.' Everything made so much sense now; her haggard appearance, her transformation to a complete workaholic, her avoidance of social gatherings. Why hadn't he noticed any of it before?

'Baby, it's rather large; why don't you let me put something on it to bring the swelling down.'

'I'm fine, mum. I just hit my head on the door, that's all.'

'You should watch where you're going, Remus. It's a bump on the head today, tomorrow it'll be a concussion.' She inspected his head one last time and sat back down on her chair. 'Why didn't you bring Sirius along? He could have kept you company while I went out.'

'He's at work.' Remus replied, swirling the last of his tea and watching the ripples that formed.

'On a weekend?' Del asked, looking shocked and appalled.

Remus shrugged, still not taking his eyes of his tea. 'Weekends don't count anymore, not with Voldemort spreading his forces. Moody's struggling to finish the training program as quickly as he can, so that they can be full fledged Aurors.'

Del tutted. 'Sounds tough.'

Remus nodded. 'It is. Padfoot loves his job, but he hardly ever gets any sleep nowadays.' He looked at his mother pointedly. 'Quite a bit like you, really.'

'Psh,' Del waved off his comment, 'I sleep like a sloth.'

'You don't look it. You look like you've been run over by a bus, actually.'

'Don't be rude, Remus,' Del replied sternly, getting up from her chair and taking the dirty cup and plate to the sink.

Remus sighed, running a nervous hand through his hair. He couldn't shake the images of his father's belongings out of his head. 'Look, mum, I've been thinking…wondering really…if you'd fancy moving in with Padfoot and me. I mean, we've got an entirely spare room to ourselves and-'

'Wouldn't that raise questions?' Del turned on the tap and began washing the plate.

Remus shook his head. 'Nothing we can't explain. I mean, I can say I'm sleeping on the sofa or something. Honestly, mum, it's not a problem-'

'I really don't think Sirius-'

'Sirius loves you, mum, and he adores your cooking. He can't stand mine. It would be really great. You'd have someone to talk to when you-'

'No, Remus,' Del finished firmly, putting the cup and dish back into the cupboard. 'Thank you, but I'm fine here. I love this house, you know that. I can't even imagine leaving it.'

Remus was witness to exactly how much she loved this house today and it would not do. He was not going to sit and watch his mother delusion herself into thinking things were the same. 'Then let the two of us move in here. I mean, there are plenty of rooms here and it would save re-'

'I said no, Remus.' His mother looked at him, eyes suddenly cold and lacking any of the affection she usually reserved for him.

'Why not?' Remus pursued stubbornly.

Del sighed, her hands going up in exasperation. 'It'll be difficult for you to get to work, and I'll always be in the way. What about when the two of you want some privacy?'

'Mum, we're wizards, we can-'

'Just because you're wizards doesn't mean you can conquer the world!' Del cried out angrily.

'I'm just trying to be there for you!' Remus retorted heatedly.

'I didn't ask for anyone to be there for me! I  _don't_  need someone babysitting me, especially not my own son.'

Remus's knuckles turned white as he gripped the edges of the table hard. 'You're a wreck, mum! You look like you're about to drop any moment, and I can't see that! I don't want anything happening to you!'

'I'M FINE!' she roared, knocking over the tea pot and sending it smashing to the ground.

Remus repaired the pot with a quick swish of his wand. 'You're not fine, mum! I know you're not because I've seen it! And that's alright, but you've got to understand that he's not coming back! Dad's dead!' He swallowed the rising lump in his throat. 'I hate that he is but it's true, and you need to get over him.'

Del collapsed into the chair next to him. 'I'm trying, Remus. Trust me, I'm trying, but it's difficult with you always coming around here trying to make things better. It's not helping at all. I can't forget him that easily, especially not with you here.'

Remus blinked. 'I-'

'You're always there, Remus, always! Nagging me, taunting me; what do you want from me?'

'I didn't kill him,' Remus said quickly, a sudden fear that his mother might be blaming him for his father's death rising inside him. 'I didn't kill him,' he repeated again, unsure of whom he was trying to convince.

'No, you didn't, he called it upon himself. Always running around to save the world, I don't know what he thought he could do.' Del buried her face in her hands. 'He never bothered listening to me, never even  _tried_  to keep himself safe. He was so absorbed with helping Dumbledore and the Order that he never cared to think about what would happen to his own family if he ever got hurt.'

'The Order-'

'The Order!' Del cried out, wiping the tears from her face. 'Ha! What a joke! They matter as much as-'

'They're making a difference!' Remus protested defensively, his hand grabbing hers tightly. 'We're saving dozens of lives every day!'

'None of which are relevant. Your little escapades are only making Voldemort more determined to kill! This is all just a game for him, and you're just fueling his passion for it!'

'That's not true! We're slowing Voldemort down considerably! The resistance is getting stronger! It's only a matter of time before the war is over and we can go back to-'

'Oh shut the fuck up, John! The war's never going to be over, and you know it!'

Remus let go of his mother's hand as if burned. 'I'm not John,' he whispered, staring at her with wide eyes.

Del frowned in confusion. 'What?'

'John,' Remus said softly, trying his hardest to keep his voice from breaking. 'You called me John. I'm not John, I'm Remus.'

His mother's eyes flickered with recognition and guilt. 'Of course you're Remus, that's what I meant to say…'

Remus's hands clenched and unclenched; revelations were being made in his head, things were starting to explain themselves better now that his mother had finally made her little declaration. Del hadn't been avoiding social contact; she'd been avoiding  _him_. She wasn't turning into a workaholic; she was turning into a liar because of  _him._ Hadn't she said that his constant presence was making things harder for her? Hadn't she mentioned that he was always taunting her by being there?

Remus felt his vision blur. 'Mum, is that why you're always avoiding me? Is this why you-'

Del placed a soft hand over his cheek. 'No, Remus, baby, I-'

Remus moved away abruptly so that her hand was left suspended in the air. 'It's because of my face, isn't it? Everyone's always saying how I look exactly like dad. I remind you of him all the time, don't I? Fuck, is that how I'm torturing you? Fuck, fuck,  _fuck!_ ' He banged the table with his fist, suddenly feeling very angry and sorry for himself. He hated himself for the way his voice cracked with every word and how the corner of his eyes stung. 'I'm sorry, mum…you know, I thought my visits were helping, I really did. I thought maybe you'd actually want to see me before I went to the werewolf mission.  _Fuck_ , I don't know, maybe even want to talk to me once in a while.'

'Remus, you're jump-'

Remus stood up from his seat so quickly, he knocked his chair over. 'I should just go. You obviously don't want me here.' He picked up the chair and put in its rightful place. 'I'm sorry, mum, I really am.'

'Remus, listen to me-'

Remus was practically running to the front door now, desperate to just get out of the house. The distance seemed endless. 'I won't come anymore, if that's what you want.' He felt the faint pull of the protection wards he himself had set up sometime ago. 'You won't be seeing me anymore, I promise. I'll get out of your way.'

'Remus, wait!'

He disapparated.

* * *

 

Sirius moaned in pain as he fell hard to the ground. He could feel something warm and wet spreading down the calf of his right leg and knew instinctively that he had hurt himself bad.  _Shit._

'SIRIUS BLACK!' Moody's voice echoed ominously in the Battle Hall.

'I'm sorry, mate' whispered Fabian Prewett, one of the fighters on the other side and the current reason to Sirius's decrepit state. 'Didn't mean to hit that hard. I wasn't even aiming, you know.'

'IN ALL MY YEARS, I HAVE NEVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING A TRAINEE AS INCOMPETENT AND FOOLISH AS YOU!'

Fabian scurried away to the other side, far away from Moody's wrath.

Sirius groaned, picking himself up and dreading the clunking of Moody's false leg. He swayed a little on his position, trying to balance most of his weight on his uninjured leg. He straightened his back, crossed his hands behind him, and tried his best to look like a healthy, capable Auror instead of a crippled and incredibly idiotic one.

'IF YOU WERE IN AN ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD, BLACK, THE ENEMY WOULD HAVE AVADA KEDAVRA-ED YOU AT LEAST SEVEN TIMES BEFORE YOU EVEN FELL TO THE GROUND!'

Sirius tried not to wince at the shower of spit Moody bestowed upon him with every third syllable. He wasn't going to get angry; he wasn't going to get angry; anger was bad; anger was irrational; anger was going to earn him another torturous year in the academy under Moody's wing.

'DO YOU THINK, BLACK? DO YOU, EVEN FOR A SINGLE MOMENT, USE THAT HEAD OF YOURS TO  _COMPREHEND_  WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND YOU?'

Sirius tried to concentrate on Moody's crazy blue eye. How many jokes would he and James be able to make upon it? There had to be one at least. One that would keep his mind off the illogical anger that was now bubbling inside of him, and aching to get out so that he could punch Moody's lights out.

'YOU'RE AN AUROR, NOT A STUNTMAN! THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF CHEAP THRILL OR HOGWARTS ADVENTURE WHERE YOU CAN GO OFF RUSHING TO WHEREVER DANGER IS, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YOU  _THINK_ BEFORE YOU ACT! YOU  _HIDE_  BEFORE YOU FIGHT!'

Everyone had stopped practice to stare at Moody's new victim. The Head Auror's rants were nothing out of the ordinary; Moody had a misfortunate target almost every single day that he picked apart, humiliated, and practically slaughtered in front of the entire staff. However, this was the first time Sirius had been subjected to it. Despite his unprecedented methods, Sirius was, undoubtedly, one of the best auror trainees in the academy. He was brash and instinctive, but he was also a quick learner and a skilled dueler, with a large vocabulary of curses and hexes to bring down his opponent. He had a reputation to keep and that reputation was quickly burning to ashes.

It was embarrassing and aggravating and annoying, and Sirius could feel his face heating up from suppressed emotions. Nonetheless, he would not react; he would not give Moody the satisfaction of having gotten to him.

'SO FOR THE SAKE OF MERLIN, BLACK, NEXT TIME, USE YOUR HEAD! OR GOD FORBID, YOU'LL END UP DEAD WITH PUS BOILS ALL ACROSS YOUR FACE! AM I CLEAR?'

'Crystal,' Sirius replied through gritted teeth and excused himself for the day.

Sirius stopped at the W.C. on the way home, making sure the door was firmly locked and all the cubicles were empty before he let out a scream of rage and frustration and punched the walls with all his strength, ending up not only with a bloody leg, but a good few broken knuckles as well.

'Fuck!'

By the time he'd reached the flat, Sirius's bad mood had escalated to an alarming degree. He banged and kicked almost everything in sight – the door, his motorbike (which was a miracle by itself), a couple of streetlamps – the list was endless. He'd healed his leg and hand but was unfortunately left with a myriad of cuts, bruises and a painfully stubbed toe. None of which helped improve Sirius's mood.

Which was why he was looking forward to having Remus home; Remus always knew how to make Sirius feel better. Remus would say silly, nice things and touch him in just the right way, in all the right places, and watch television with him and make funny comments on Sirius's favourite characters.

So it should have come as no surprise that the only person who could make him feel better right then had left a note saying he was staying over at his mother's for the weekend. It should also have come as no surprise that James and Lily were also conveniently enjoying their honeymoon in Malaysia and wouldn't be coming back for another week and a half. The Gods were against him after all; why should anything go according to him?

So Sirius changed into his muggle clothing, shucked on a leather jacket, and left for the only other place he could think of where he could drown his anger in a sufficient amount of booze. Yes, he went to Queen's; for the first time without Remus.

'Hey, can I buy you a drink?'

Sirius felt someone slide into the seat next to him but didn't bother looking up. Through the corner of his eyes, he could make out mud brown hair and a grotesquely large silver bracelet sitting tightly on a slender arm.

'Knock yourself out,' Sirius muttered under his breath, chugging down the last of his beer.

'What'll you have?' the man asked, sliding closer to Sirius and lowering his voice like he was sharing some phenomenal secret.

'Shot of whisky and some rat poison, thank you.'

'Hey, what could have possibly happened to a gorgeous thing like you to swallow poison, eh?' the man asked, fingering the ends of Sirius's hair and twirling it between his thumb and forefinger.

Sirius swatted him away irritably. 'The poison's for you, you stupid motherfucker.' Only then did he turn towards the man, glaring at him dangerously.

The man was good looking, no doubt about it, but he had that sleazy, aggravating smile on his face that only served to fuel Sirius's bad mood. 'Sharp,' the man replied, unhindered. 'I like that. I'm Adam Harrison, by the way. Who are you then?'

Harrison's dark eyes roamed across Sirius's body as if trying to see through his clothes, and Sirius noticed that the hand that he'd stuck out for a handshake was inching closer to his chest. Sirius scowled, grabbed Harrison's hand and squeezed it tight enough to hurt.

'I'm not interested,' Sirius replied angrily, twisting Harrison's hand until he pulled away from Sirius forcefully.

'Temperamental little fellow, aren't you?' Harrison chuckled. 'Admirable quality; makes the pursuit a lot more exciting.'

Sirius grabbed his drink directly off the barman's tray. 'What part of "fuck off" did you not understand?' This man…Harrison…he was really testing Sirius's patience…even more than Moody. It was only a matter of time before he got beaten into a bloody pulp, and Sirius hoped Harrison came to his senses before that. He didn't really fancy being thrown out of the bar, nor was he in the mood to clean off copious amounts of blood from his hands.

'Okay, so you're a bit grouchy. Look, I know a perfect place we can go to; it's only a few blocks from here.' Harrison leant invasively close and put a hand on Sirius's thigh, rubbing lightly with his thumb. 'I could do something about that mood of yours, what do you say?'

Sirius was going to punch the bloke, blood be damned, when he felt a restraining hand on his shoulder.

'I'd say I don't appreciate you trying to molest my lover.'

Sirius knew that voice anywhere and turned around so quick that he hit his elbow against the table. 'Moony!' he cried in surprise. He rubbed his elbow, suddenly feeling ridiculously happy.

Remus smiled, shifting his hand from Sirius's shoulder to the small of his back. 'Hello, Padfoot.' He looked at Harrison, who was gaping at Remus with an expression of shock and jealousy. 'I hope you don't mind but there aren't any empty seats near by,' Remus said, his tone sounding oddly protective as he gestured to the occupied stools around them.

'You?' Harrison exclaimed, laughing incredulously as he eyed Remus's ordinary and tired form. 'With him? You must be joking!'

Sirius glowered at him, grabbing Remus by his shirt collar defiantly and crashing their lips together in a passionate kiss. He kept his eyes open, making sure Harrison saw as Sirius invaded Remus's mouth with his tounge and nibbled on his bottom lip. Sirius smirked triumphantly when Harrison made a vaguely disgusted face and walked away with a muttered 'whatever'.

'What are you doing here?' Sirius asked, breathless after they'd finally parted. He knew Harrison was still looking, could feel those penetrating eyes on him, and gave Remus's lower lip an extra lick.

Remus drank from Sirius's unfinished glass, completely oblivious to Harrison's stares across the room. 'Same as you, I guess. Just fancied a drink.' He reached out to run a hand through Sirius's hair, combing it back neatly with his fingers. 'Bad day?' he asked affectionately.

'Hm…' Sirius nodded, moving in closer to Remus to wrap his arms around him and pressing his face into the crook of his neck. 'Moody was just ghastly.' This was what he had wanted the whole day: just some Moony Comfort.

'You nearly killed the bloke, you know.'

'He deserved it,' replied Sirius, annoyed that Remus had brought up that horrible person during an intimate moment. 'He tried to grope me, did you see?'

Remus chuckled, kissing the crown of Sirius's head. 'I saw. He chose the wrong day to hit on you, poor sod.'

'Don't be sympathetic with that perverted piece of shit, Moony. You should be insanely jealous and furious. He would have done unspeakable things to me if you hadn't come along to my rescue.'

Remus laughed loudly, his chest shaking beneath Sirius's ear. 'You seemed to be handling the situation pretty well on your own, really.'

Sirius sniffed disapprovingly. 'I thought you were staying at your mother's. Did you miss me, Moony? You could no longer bear staying away from me and had a change of heart, didn't you?'

Sirius felt Remus's entire body tighten at the mention of his mother and immediately knew something was wrong. He looked up and saw the werewolf's usually bright amber eyes darken slightly. 'Moony? What's wrong?'

Remus shook his head. 'Nothing,' he replied unconvincingly. 'Come on, let's dance.'

Sirius let Remus drag him to the dance floor without protest. He thought he should ask what the matter was, or if everything was perhaps all right, but figured Remus would tell him anyway if the matter was anything serious.

* * *

 

'I'm coming, I'm coming! Don't wet yourself!' Sirius grouched as the bell rang for the fourth time. The lock clicked, and he swung the door open to reveal the last person he thought of seeing at nine PM. 'Mrs. Lupin?'

Delilah Lupin smiled weakly. 'Hello, Sirius. Is Remus home?'

Sirius shook his head, frowning slightly in confusion. 'No, he doesn't come home till ten. That's when the shop closes.'

Mrs. Lupin looked strangely distraught. 'Oh, I-ah-came to give him his bag back. He forgot it yesterday at the cottage.'

Sirius noticed the familiar red duffle bag clutched tightly in her hands. 'Well, if you can wait for an hour or so, you can give it to him yourself. I think he'd like that better; Remus is always complaining about how you never come to visit anymore.'

Mrs. Lupin smiled kindly, walking in as Sirius held out the door for her. 'Thank you, love. I didn't expect to find you here; Remus told me you worked overtime as well…'

Sirius nodded, moving away scattered paper and clothes from the sofa to make space for Remus's mother to sit; he switched off the telly. 'I do…I have an exam tomorrow, so they gave me half a day off to study for it. I'm sorry we don't have any tea, Mrs. Lupin. Is beer okay?'

'I don't want anything to drink, Sirius, but I was hoping I could talk to you.' Del grasped his hand tightly, effectively stopping him from going into the kitchen. 'It's about my son.'

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. 'About Remus?'

'I know you're busy, so I won't take up much of your time. Please sit down.'

Sirius obliged, sitting on the arm of the sofa beside her. 'Is it anything important? Is something wrong?'

'Depends on how you see it,' Del replied, 'You see, Remus and I, we had a bit of a disagreement yesterday.'

'Ah.' That would explain the werewolf's behaviour last night. Remus had been a little distant at the bar and positively needy when they were making love back home. 'He did seem a bit off, but he didn't say anything, so I assumed it wasn't anything too important…'

Del pinched the bridge of her nose in agitation. 'I-I really upset him yesterday. I didn't mean to, but I wasn't thinking…I just got so carried away with the argument, and I completely lost control. I don't even know when…but I called him John.'

Sirius's eyes widened. 'John?'

'It just slipped out, and he didn't even give me a chance to apologise or explain. He just stormed off saying he'd move out of my life forever.'

Sirius frowned, brows furrowing. 'That doesn't sound like Moony.'

Del sighed. 'No, it's exactly like him because he's just like his father. His father used to become just as melodramatic when it came to family. I won't lie to you, Sirius, Remus reminds me of John a lot. He thinks it's just the way he looks, but everything he says and does is a mirror image of his father. He makes the same mistakes, has the same delusional ideals; it's like watching history repeat itself.'

'I'm not sure I understand.'

Del leaned back against the couch, her legs crossing in front of her. 'The fight we had yesterday…it was the exact same one I had with John on a regular basis. God, you should have heard him; it was like the two of them had rehearsed the speech together for moments like this. I completely lost my mind half way through; the name just slipped out, you understand.'

Sirius didn't understand, not much anyway, but he couldn't deny that Remus was heavily influenced by his father. Perhaps it was easy to get confused between the two of them in a fit of anger? It was plausible. 'I'll talk to him if you like, Mrs. Lupin, explain things to him. Remus always listens to me.'

'Yes, he does,' Del replied a little sadly, 'more than anyone else. He loves you a lot, Sirius,' she finished, squeezing his hand between hers.

Sirius felt heat rising in his cheeks.

'And that's why I need you to talk to him about quitting the Order.'

Sirius sprang off the sofa so quick, he startled Remus's mother. 'Quitting the Order? No! Absolutely not! I'm sorry, Mrs. Lupin, but I can't do that! The Order needs as many members as it can get and-'

'Please understand, Sirius, Remus is my only child, my baby, and the only family I have left. I  _cannot_ see him hurt.'

'You should be proud of him, Mrs. Lupin! He's a valuable asset to the war-'

'The war be damned! Let me be clear on this, Sirius, I will  _not_  bury my son; my son will bury  _me!_  Do you understand that?'

Sirius felt anger rising at her ignorance. He understood her concern; hell, he didn't want anyone to get hurt fighting either, but didn't she understand that Remus was fighting for  _her?_  That she was a muggle and the primary target for Voldemort?

'Remus isn't going to die, Mrs. Lupin,' Sirius replied through gritted teeth. 'The Order always works in pairs to ensure maximum safety of its members.'

Del snorted derisively. 'Really? Then tell me, is the  _Order_  sending anyone to go with him to the werewolf mission? Do you have anyone else like him to  _ensure his maximum safety_?'

'What?' What was she talking about? What werewolf mission?

Remus mother laughed bitterly, sounding slightly maniacal. 'I mean, John had told me about it before of course, but I never thought that Dumbledore would actually send a child to do something this dangerous. I mean, he's only just graduated out of Hogwarts and-'

Sirius grabbed her by the shoulders, stopping her rant temporarily. 'Wait, Mrs. Lupin, you're not making any sense. Exactly what the hell are you talking about? What did Dumbledore ask Remus to do?'

'Don't try to make a fool of me, Sirius Black!' Del replied scathingly. 'I know Dumbledore's planning to send my son to recruit werewolves!'

* * *

 

When Remus finally arrived home, Sirius was sitting on the sofa surrounded by newspapers dating back to the first of April. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it coming; the papers were filled with articles about werewolves claiming their allegiance to Lord Voldemort; werewolf attacks increasing in various areas; werewolf regulations getting tighter to protect common citizens. Had Remus read all of this and kept quiet anyway? Had he even thought of Sirius when he'd agreed on mission?

'Well, well, never thought I'd see the great Sirius Black studying,' Remus said, wrapping his arms around Sirius's neck from behind and kissing him chastely on the cheek.

'Food's on the counter,' Sirius said gruffly, putting the latest edition of the Daily Prophet down on the coffee table.

Remus smiled serenely. 'Not hungry…ate at the shop… I think I might actually last with this one, Padfoot; the animals have taken a preference to me. Hey, where are you going?' he cried out in surprise, as Sirius pushed Remus's hands off him and got off the sofa.

'Out,' Sirius replied shortly, summoning his jacket and keys.

'But I just came home!'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'So what?'

'Hey, hey, come here.' Remus grabbed Sirius by the wrists and pulled him closer. 'What's got you in such a rotten mood, eh?' His hold tightened when Sirius struggled to move out of his grip. 'Hey, come on, tell me. Is Moody still being harsh with you?'

Sirius stilled but jerked his hands away. 'Your mother came today to drop your bag off.'

'Oh.'

Sirius snorted at the stupefied expression of Remus's face. 'Yeah,  _oh_. Did you ever plan on telling me?'

Remus shrugged. 'I didn't know how to. I mean, you were really down last night, so I didn't have the heart to tell you; then morning came, and I just forgot.'

Sirius felt hot burning rage filling his mind, and he clenched his fists tightly, barely suppressing the urge to hit Remus. 'Oh, so you just conveniently _forgot_  that your mother doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. You just  _forgot_  that she no longer wants to see you; that she never actually wanted to see you in the first place; that your presence itself was like torture to her; that-'

'Shut up! Just shut the fuck up, okay!' Remus cried out, hands over his ears as if he could actually block out Sirius's words.

Sirius laughed harshly. 'Remember much?'

Remus kicked the coffee table. 'Fuck you!'

Sirius noticed the unnatural shine in Remus's eyes and took sadistic pleasure in it. He knew he was being cruel, and he reveled in it. Remus deserved this. Remus deserved this for lying to Sirius; for betraying Sirius's trust; for thinking he could get away with this.

'Guess what else she told me?' Sirius continued, paying no heed to the look of utter pain in Remus's face. 'No, guess, just guess; she told me you were going to go cavorting off to some werewolf colony and play peacemaker. Fan-bloody-tastic, isn't it?'

Remus's mouth dropped open. 'H-How did she-? No one's supposed to-'

'Know? Not even your sodding best friends?' Sirius asked angrily, fisting Remus's shirt and shaking him vigorously. 'Not even the guy you fuck on a daily basis?'

'I just thought-'

'What, Remus?' Sirius seethed, shaking the werewolf with every word. 'What could you have possibly thought? What could have possibly gone through that bloody brain of yours for you not to trust me with something like this!'

'It's not that I don't trust you,' Remus protested, placing his hands over Sirius's. 'I-I just….I don't know why…I just didn't think it was important.'

Sirius could barely speak through his anger. 'You just-'

'Look, Sirius…Padfoot…what good would it have done to know about it?' Remus slowly pried Sirius's fingers off his shirt. 'You're just going to have to sit at home helpless and worried about me until I come back… _if_  I come back. I have to go alone in this, you know. If something happens, then that's it.' He looked directly at Sirius, looking more determined than confident. 'It's not like you can come to my rescue or anything. If I die-'

This time, Sirius  _did_  punch Remus, hard in the face. 'I hate you, Remus,' he spat out, breathing heavily. 'Sometimes, I hate you so much.' He glared at Remus who was now holding a cupped hand to his bleeding lip. 'Fuck this, I'm out of here.'

'NO!' Remus cried out, grabbing Sirius by the shoulders. 'No, Sirius, please!'

'You don't have anything I want to hear, Remus' Sirius replied coldly, shrugging Remus's hands off.

Sirius was angry, he was angry and he wanted to hurt Remus bad. He wanted to make Remus beg, cry, grovel, anything to make him feel the pain and the hurt Sirius was feeling. It was a common knowledge to the Marauders that even though Remus's material fear was the full moon, his greatest fear was being left alone. Remus feared not having any friends or family to lean back on; Remus would do anything and be anything to keep the little love he received from people. Sirius knew this, and he used it maliciously.

'You can do whatever you feel like, Remus. I can't bring myself to care anymore. Not like its  _important_ , right?'

'No, listen, I'm sorry, okay! I'm really sorry! I'm a complete and utter arse. I've been fucking things up with everyone, lately, and I'm sorry. I'm stupid, I know.' Remus reached out for Sirius's hand again and this time, Sirius didn't push him off. 'I've been a git to you and everyone else. I'm a horrid person, an absolute bastard, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie to you. Look, be as angry as you want, but stay home, please?'

Sirius sighed, surrendering to the desperate plea in Remus's voice. He could never be truly mean to Remus for very long; it just made him feel like a heel. 'You aren't that bad.'

Remus smiled weakly. 'I feel it. I know I should have told you, I'm sorry. I don't know-'

Sirius cut him off with a hand and flopped down on the couch heavily. Remus remained standing. 'Save it. Just don't do it again, okay? I hate being lied to, you know that; my parents constantly lied to me about everything, so that they could manipulate and use me. I hate that feeling.'

'I would never-'

'When are you going?' Sirius asked, not letting Remus finish. He didn't mean to sound so unsympathetic, but his voice seemed to just come out that way.

'Christmas,' Remus replied, looking helplessly at the floor.

Sirius lay on his back, propping his head against a cushion. 'Great, just great! That Dumbledore can be a real-'

'He was very kind about it,' Remus protested, looking at Sirius a little guiltily. 'He offered me a choice; he informed me of the risks, I volunteered.'

Sirius grunted, looking up at the ceiling. 'I wouldn't have expected anything less of you.'

'Are you still angry?' Remus asked in a small voice.

'A little, yes.'

'Sorry,' Remus finished, not quite looking up.

Sirius shifted his gaze back to Remus and found his anger quickly melting at the forlorn and distraught expression on his lover's face. He sighed heavily; it was impossible to stay angry at Remus when he looked like that. Perhaps Sirius had been a bit too harsh on him; after all, Remus hadn't meant any harm, he was just doing what he thought was best for everyone. Sirius shouldn't have said all those things to Remus, especially not after the ordeal with his mother.

'Hey, come here,' Sirius called, giving his hand for Remus to take as the werewolf walked closer and sat down beside his head. 'Does it hurt?' Sirius asked, reaching out to wipe away the blood from the small cut on Remus's lip.

Remus smiled weakly and shook his head. 'I deserved it.'

'No, you didn't.' Sirius pulled Remus down, so that they lay next to each other, face to face, heads resting on a too small cushion. 'I care about you, Moony, a lot.'

One of Remus's arms wrapped around Sirius's waist, while the other circled around his neck. 'I know,' Remus whispered, burying his face in Sirius's shoulder and snuggling deep, seeking comfort.

'Look, I don't know why I feel this way about you, okay? I don't know why, but it is important to me where you go, even if I can't help. I just-I can't explain it, but-' Sirius stopped when he noticed Remus hands fisting in his t-shirt and his breathing come out in heavy gasps against Sirius's skin. 'Hey.' Sirius hated it when his lover was distressed, especially if he was the reason for it. 'Hey,' Sirius repeated, putting a hand at the small of Remus's back to catch his attention. 'I love you.' He kissed the brunette's forehead, his eyes, his cheeks and finally, his lips, lingering only for a little while before separating.

'Padfoot?'

'Hm?'

Remus bit his lip uncertainly. 'Is mum alright? I mean, did she ask of me at all?'

Sirius breathed deeply. 'Look, about that…'

* * *

 

Remus's mouth, as Sirius understood it, needed a shrine to be worshipped in, because Remus's mouth was a thing of epic proportions. His lips… _Oh,God_ …his lips, so soft and pliant, thin but talented, as it kissed every inch of his body slowly, tantalisingly, giving special attention to the insides of Sirius's thighs and belly. His teeth were small and sharp as they bit into Sirius's neck, his nipples, his stomach, his thighs, not breaking the skin but applying the pressure just right, so that with every feel of teeth, Sirius panted and gasped and moaned loudly. Then there was his tounge… _oh, how Sirius loved Remus's tounge_...that left slick glistening trails across his body, dipping and sucking in just the right places and then, finally making Sirius's head explode as it traveled lower and stayed there.

Sirius tangled his hands in Remus's hair, arching his back wantonly. He was barely restraining himself from pushing in deeper. 'Fuck, Moony…' He was close, so damn close.

BANG!

Both Remus and Sirius startled to a stop, Remus's mouth still attached to Sirius erection in a comical 'o', and Sirius's hand already scrabbling in search of his wand.

'PADFOOT!'

Sirius groaned, letting his head fall back against the headboard and his hands travel across Remus's shoulders and back. 'Prongs,' he growled out, 'I'll kill him, I swear to Merlin, I'll-' He moaned in frustration at the loss of Remus's mouth.

'MOONY!'

'I thought he wasn't supposed to be coming back till tomorrow,' Remus said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he sat up.

Sirius watched Remus hungrily, admiring the way collected sweat shone across his chest and neck; the way his hair remained deliciously tousled from Sirius's fingers constantly tugging at them; the way his cheeks were tinged slightly pink from exertion and arousal. Sirius wanted to eat him whole.

'GUYS, HELP!'

'We should go see what's wrong,' Remus sighed dejectedly, getting up.

Sirius grabbed Remus by the wrist and pulled him back into the bed. 'Let him suffer for a while. We've got a problem of our own to solve,' he finished huskily, brushing his hips against Remus's, making it clear exactly what sort of problem needed to be solved. 'If we're quiet enough, he'll think we're not home and go away.'

'SIRIUS!'

'He sounds really upset,' protested Remus against the attack of Sirius's lips and teeth on his neck. 'We should – _ah_ \- at least go see what's wrong.'

'Fine,' Sirius huffed. 'Fine. But if it's something stupid, I'm throttling him, and you can't stop me.'

Remus chuckled, already picking up a pair of trousers he'd discarded in frenzy. Sirius would have rather just gone naked but reluctantly pulled on his boxers for the sake of decency.

'OI, COME ON YOU GUYS, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT!'

Just before Remus reached for the door handle, Sirius pulled him into a fervent kiss, delving his tounge deep into his mouth and rubbing against his body, making sure Remus got his message loud and clear. Remus laughed into the kiss and broke away.

'I'll make it worth your while,' Remus whispered into Sirius's ears, giving his crotch a generous squeeze before walking out.

'Tease,' Sirius muttered affectionately.

'WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?' James cried out the minute he saw them, whirling on the balls of his feet and knocking over their table lamp in the process.

Remus caught it just before it smashed to the ground. 'Sleeping, Prongs. In case you haven't noticed, it's seven in the morning. So unless you want the neighbours to report you for sexual assault, I'd advise you to keep your voice down.'

James's mouth snapped shut abruptly.

Sirius winked at Remus, clapping him encouragingly on the back.

'So, how come you're back early, Prongs?' Remus asked, sitting down calmly on the sofa.

James sat beside him, hands clutching at his dark hair. 'I'm in deep shit, you guys. I mean, really, really deep.'

'Care to elaborate?' Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms over his chest. James truly looked miserable, but Sirius's own predicament was making him a tad unsympathetic.

'Lily's been really sick for the past few days,' James said wretchedly, 'so I took her to the Healer after she threw up for the fourth time. I got the examination results back today.'

Sirius and Remus looked at each other fearfully, and Sirius put a sympathetic hand on James's shoulder, squeezing perhaps a little too hard in worry. 'Is she all right? What's wrong?'

'She's pregnant.'

There was a small pause where both Remus and Sirius stared at each other in shock, taking in the unexpected information while James buried his face in his hands. Suddenly, Sirius let out a loud 'whoop', and Remus's face broke into a large, infectious grin.

'Congratulations!'

'This isn't good news, you two,' James cried out.

'How can it  _not_  be good news, Prongs, my wonderful mate?' Sirius exclaimed, pulling Remus up by the hands and doing an uncoordinated jig before tipping him gracefully. 'We're going to be uncles, Moony! Uncles! To a darling little sprog! And I have dibs over the godfather position!'

'NO!' James shot up angrily. 'This wasn't supposed to happen!'

Sirius and Remus frowned.

'You sound regretful James,' Sirius said, his tone low and dangerous, brows furrowed.

'Fuck!' James banged his fist on the arm of the sofa. 'Don't you guys see the problem here? We're only nineteen, we've barely been married for a month and already, we're having kids! We're too young!'

'My mother had me when she was sixteen, you know, and dad was only a few years older,' Remus said encouragingly. 'And things turned out fine for me.'

James pulled at his hair in frustration. 'This is a mistake, Moony, there's a war going on. Lily and I are constantly busy with work or the Order; how are we supposed to raise a child in this hell hole? I can't be responsible for another life!'

'Oh shut up, Prongs!' Sirius said, rolling his eyes. 'Moony and I are here to help whenever you want it, you know that. You just watch, you guys will make great parents!'

'The war-'

'There'll always be a war. You don't see Molly Weasley putting a halt to it, do you? What, she's on her seventh kid now?'

'Sixth one, still coming,' Remus corrected. 'You'll be a great dad, Prongs, if that's what you're worried about.'

James groaned, sprawling on the couch dejectedly. 'I won't. I'll break it, and corrupt it, and teach it all the wrong things. My kid's going to end up drunk and unemployed, and it'll curse me for the rest of its miserable life.'

Sirius roared with laughter, causing James to wail even louder. Remus kicked Sirius in the shins to make him shut up and put a sympathetic arm around his bespectacled friend. 'You'll be fine, Prongs,' he said reassuringly.

'Yeah, you've got Lily Flower to make up for your idiocy,' Sirius replied, rubbing his shin and sticking tounge out at Remus.

Remus kicked him again for good measure.

'Ow! You bastard! That hurt!'

Remus showed Sirius the finger. 'So are you keeping it, the kid, I mean?'

James chuckled at Remus and Sirius's antics. 'I want to, but-' He looked at the pair of them uncertainly. 'It can't be that bad, right? I mean, I lived with Padfoot half my life, and well…the rest is self explanatory.'

'Oh yes, gang up on me now,' Sirius replied grumpily, crossing his arms over his chest on a mock huff. 'Everyone molest poor ol', helplessly adorable Padfoot. Like he doesn't have enough problems to deal with already. What with his insane family, slave driving boss, and traitorous lover.'

'Don't use the sympathy card, Padfoot,' said James, his usual cheeky smile back on his face again. 'It doesn't suit you.'

'Yeah,' Remus mock glowered. 'That's my specialty.'

Sirius hmph-ed. 'Where's Lily anyway? Need to congratulate her on her pathway to motherhood, or is she going through the same complex as you?'

James smiled. 'I haven't told her yet. She was at the spa when I went to the hospital, and then I just did the first thing that came to mind: I apparated here.'

Remus shook his head, smiling. 'You are insane, Prongs, you know that?'

James grinned unabashedly. 'Thanks by the way, both of you,' he said gratefully, wrapping his arms around Remus and Sirius and pulling them into a hug so tight that their heads knocked together. 'I guess I just panicked a little.'

'A little?' Remus snorted, rubbing his head.

James cuffed him. 'Look, do me a favour, don't tell Lily about this conversation, okay? I want to tell her the good news myself. This little anxiety attack of mine never happened, you get that?'

Sirius smirked. 'What anxiety attack?'

* * *

 

'James, honey, can you get the wine, please?' Lily called out as she cleared away the dishes with a wave of her wand.

Lily had invited Peter, Sirius, and Remus over to the flat for dinner. God knows those boys needed it, most of all Remus and Sirius, who seemed to look thinner with every visit. She didn't blame them really; she'd tasted Remus's cooking and it wasn't exactly the most delectable thing in the world. The boy could go as far as tea and a couple of ham sandwiches but beyond that, he was quite hopeless. Sirius? She didn't even want to get into the culinary skills of the Great Sirius Black.

'What's the occasion, Lily?' Peter asked, holding out his glass as James generously poured the wine.

'Well,' Lily paused, looking at James with undying affection. 'James and I have some good news to share.'

James nodded, sitting down and taking her hand under the table. She suddenly felt inexplicably happy; in fact, she'd been feeling this way ever since the two of them had found out. Lily had known what had happened even before James had taken her to the hospital; she wasn't as clueless as she acted out to be. But she had been incredibly afraid of her husband's reaction; she was almost sure James would freak out; protest against it; maybe even get melodramatic enough to cry. She'd been quite surprised, to say the least, when James had come back to their hotel room, tests results in hand, beaming brighter than a neon bulb.

'Well, are you going to tell us, or what?' Peter asked, shifting to the edge of his seat in eagerness.

Remus and Sirius simply looked at each other, then at her and James, and smiled. Lily hoped to God they weren't up to something. Could Sirius have put something in their drinks?

Lily looked at the clear water in her glass, wishing she could have some wine herself as she cleared her throat nervously. 'Well, James and I are having a baby.'

Peter's mouth fell open in shock.

'Congratulations!' Sirius and Remus chorused together.

'How wonderful!' Remus exclaimed, clapping his hands uncharacteristically.

'Indeed, I'm so pleasantly surprised! I'd have never expected it!' Sirius continued, his eyes wide and hand over his mouth.

'A baby, can you believe it, Padfoot?' Remus asked, wrapping an arm around Sirius's shoulders and resting his head there.

'Of course not, Moony!' Sirius looked appalled. 'I mean, I never even thought about it before today! How could I have? We  _just_  got the fantastic news!'

Lily frowned, sniffing the bottle of wine suspiciously. Beside her, she thought she heard her husband mutter 'overkill', but it was probably just her imagination. Maybe the pregnancy was taking a toll on her?

* * *

 


	35. Whistle For The Choir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**December, 1979** _

Remus sighed as another Order meeting ended, looking longingly at all the Marauders who were currently discussing the next mission with their assigned partners. Remus hadn't been given one because he already had a werewolf mission on his shoulders; a mission that Dumbledore had requested Remus carry out tomorrow night – a week prior to what was previously planned.

It was going to be difficult explaining to Sirius that Remus was not only going to miss Christmas but a large part of the December month as well; which also meant that Sirius would have to be alone in the festivities for over a week. Sirius was, in fact, going to hate it, bitch about it and though he would concede in the end, he was going to refuse to talk to Remus for the remainder of the night. Not something Remus was particularly looking forward to.

Perhaps tonight was a good time to put James and Lily's idea to use? It would be a little earlier than Remus had initially planned it, but it would definitely make Sirius happy. Maybe even mark something significant in their relationship though Remus doubted it. Still, the look of utter shock on Sirius's face would be priceless when Remus told him the sudden change in plans tonight.

'You got a beautiful smile.'

Remus snapped back to the present to see a young boy, no older than sixteen, looking up at him. Remus had only seen him today in the meeting and assumed it was one of the member's son or younger sibling. Although, now that he thought about it, no one quite looked or dressed like the boy.

The child had wild, platinum blond curls that reached slightly past his ears, eyes so dark a shade of green that they looked nearly black, and a permanent blush across both cheeks under smudges of what Remus could only assume was dirt. Although he lacked the conventional good looks that Sirius or James had, there was a boyish quality about him that made him attractive. Remus figured that the boy's parents weren't too well off by the flimsy jacket he wore over his green jumper, striped red scarf, and boots that were already fraying at the toes – hardly the right attire for such harsh and cold weather.

'I'm sorry?'

The boy's face broke into a grin, eyes dancing with delight. 'You was smilin' righ' now; looks bloody gorgeous.'

Cockney, Remus realised once he'd gotten over the unusual compliment and stopped blinking like a moron. 'I…er…thank you, I suppose.'

'You're Remus, aren' you? I 'eard the bloke with the glasses talkin' 'bout you. I'm Elphias Dodge, by the way, but everyone calls me Elf,' he said all of this very quick, as if competing with the speed of light and vigourously stuck out his hand for a shake.

Remus, completely speechless, shook Dodge's hand more out of instinctual good manners than amicability.

'I'm new 'ere. Odd though, feels like I's seen you somewhere. I ne'er forget a pretty face, you know.' Dodge winked at him, squeezing his hand tightly before letting go.

Remus couldn't figure out if he was being taken the mickey out of by a child or blatantly hit on (in public that too). He decided to ignore it, though he couldn't help but feel uncomfortable under Dodge's unwavering gaze. 'You might have seen me in Hogwarts, I-'

'Nah,' Dodge cut in, waving off Remus's explanation with his hand. 'Didn' have 'nuf money for Hogwarts; was 'ome schooled until me dad died.'

'Oh,' Remus said, unsure of how he was supposed to reply. Dodge didn't seem too upset about his father's death.

'I think…' Dodge said, looking thoughtful and strangely endearing as he tapped his bottom lip with his finger. 'I think I's seen you at…' He came invasively close to Remus, lowering his voice to a whisper one dreaded word: 'Queens'.'

Remus froze and it took every bit of his strength to keep his jaw from hitting the ground.

His attempt at keeping his composure had obviously failed, if the triumphant smirk on Dodge's face was any indication. 'Got it righ' then? I knew I'd seen you someplace.' He stopped at Remus's worried expression. 'You don' need to worry. I ain't gonna tell no one, honest. I don't fancy being ousted meself.'

Remus heaved a sigh of relief. 'Thank you. What are you doing here anyway?' he asked, changing the subject. 'You're not a friend of Dung's by any chance, are you? If you are, I'm telling you now, I don't have any gold on me.'

Dodge laughed, his head thrown back in a carefree way that reminded Remus of Sirius. 'Lived in Stepney me whole life; ne'er met Dung before.' At Remus's baffled expression, he laughed even harder. 'I'm a member.'

'But you're hardly-'

'Age don' speak for skills, sir, and I'm brave 'nuf to fight some old sod who thinks he's God,' Dodge said, standing straight, chest puffed out with pride and adamancy.

'I didn't mean to offend you,' Remus said, holding back a chuckle at the boy's childish determination.

Dodge grabbed Remus by the forearms rubbing slowly. 'You'd never offend me, Remy.'

Remus raised an eyebrow at the nickname.

Dodge seemed unaware of the sarcasm, moving even closer to him and speaking quietly into his ears. 'Tell you what, I gotta go now – got work an' all, but next time you see me at Queen's, you buy me a drink, yeah?'

Remus laughed, pushing Dodge off. 'You're underage. If you think you're going to weasel out alcohol from me, you've got another thing coming.'

'We'll see.' Dodge smirked confidently and to Remus's horrific surprise, he gave the werewolf's bum an indulgent squeeze before leaving.

Remus looked around, wide eyed and shocked speechless, to see if anyone had seen and found Gideon Prewett sitting nearby, looking at him with an amused expression. He felt himself turning hot and scarlet with embarrassment when Gideon waggled his eyebrows and looked pointedly towards Remus's behind. Noticing Remus's reaction, Gideon burst out laughing and patted the seat next to him, inviting Remus over to sit. Numbly, the werewolf complied, still stupefied at the Dodge's cheek and the fact that everyone had been too busy with their missions to notice the scene.

'Don't worry yourself over it, Remus,' Gideon said, clapping Remus on the back. 'Elf flirts with anything that has a pulse. It's like a disease for him.'

'Y-You know him?' Remus asked, still not convinced.

Gideon nodded. 'He tended the family gardens until Fay and mum found him shagging the neighbour's wife in the broom shed.' He grinned as if remembering old times. 'He was around fourteen, I think.'

This time, Remus's jaw did drop open and hit the floor. 'Fourteen? Christ, you must be joking! At fourteen, all I ever thought of was homework and what pranks James and Sirius was going to pull next.'

Gideon chortled. 'Don't pay it any mind. Elf's just having a bit of fun. He'd flirt with Hagrid if he thought he could get a kick out of it.'

Remus shuddered at the thought. 'He said he was a member…is that allowed? He seems awfully young and inexperienced with a wand. I mean, he's never even been to school…'

'He's an exception…a protégé of sorts, if you like. Fabian suggested him to Dumbledore. He's young, but I reckon Elf could beat Moody in a duel if he wanted.'

'That's ridiculous!'

'His dad dueled for sport, you know. They would have these little street matches, people would bet money on whoever they thought would win; it was good entertainment at the end of the day.'

'It's kind of like boxing, isn't it?'

Gideon's face scrunched up in confusion. 'What's boxing?'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Never mind. So, his father taught him how to duel then?'

Gideon shook his head. 'He learned by watching. It's hard core dueling, too, where no one hesitates to play dirty or shed some blood. Living on the streets makes you apathetic, I suppose.'

Remus suddenly felt a little sorry for Dodge. After all, streets or not, he was still just a child. Remus remembered how disappointed he'd been when his father had first told him that he wouldn't be attending Hogwarts.

'There's an added advantage that he has no Ministry records.'

Remus's brows rose questioningly. 'How do you mean?'

Gideon shrugged. 'His birth was never recorded, nor was his first signs of magic. He's practically untraceable because according to the Ministry, he doesn't exist. Dodge isn't even his real name, you know. It's his father's street name borne from his fighting skills. Elf carries it on because I don't think he himself knows what his real name is.'

'Wow,' Remus whispered, a new found respect for the young man rising inside him. 'He's really fucked, isn't he?'

Gideon laughed. 'That's one way to put it. Fay uses the term 'gifted'. Also, as you've noticed, Elf can charm his way out of any situation.' He chuckled at the blush that spread across Remus's face and clapped him on the back. 'He's a good kid, despite always trying to cop a feel. I just hope the others don't bully him too much.'

* * *

 

'Where are you taking me, Moony? And why did I have to leave the bike with James? God knows what he'll do with it.' Sirius groaned as Remus pulled him into a dark, empty alleyway. 'You're not going to molest me in public, are you? We could go to jail for that, you know.' The light dancing in his eyes told Remus that Sirius wouldn't quite mind being taken advantage of in a dirty alley or going to prison for it.

'Don't be stupid,' Remus chided, punching Sirius lightly on the shoulder. 'You know that Dumbledore wants me to go tomorrow, right?'

'Don't remind me,' Sirius replied darkly.

Remus kissed him on the forehead as reassurance. 'I wanted to give you your Christmas present early.'

Sirius looked around warily. 'It doesn't involve garbage, I hope?'

Remus bit his lip, smiling weakly. 'No, but it's not much and part of it's useless since we've already had dinner at the meeting. But I was hoping you'd like it anyways, and-'

'Moony,' Sirius said, firmly holding Remus's shoulders. 'You're rambling, and it's cold out here.'

Remus smiled nervously. 'Yeah, sorry. See, I kind of asked the others about what to get you this Christmas because you always have everything. Wormtail said socks, can you believe it? Socks, because you always have holes at the toes, which I know you make on purpose and –'

'Moony!' Sirius whined, now rubbing his sides to get warmer.

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Anyway, Prongs said that I should take you out, you know. Like on a date, 'cause we've never been on one.' At Sirius's shocked expression, Remus hastened to explain, 'We don't have to do it, if you don't want to. I mean, you're not a girl or anything, but it would be nice. And Lily suggested I take you to the theatre, so-'

'I don't want to watch a play, Moony,' Sirius groaned. 'My parents took me to those all the time and I always slept through half of it.'

Remus flicked Sirius on the forehead. 'No, you daft mutt; a  _movie_ theatre. I've never taken you to one, have I?'

Remus had definitely peaked Sirius's interest if the wide eyed, eager expression was anything to pass by. When Sirius shook his head vigourously, Remus smiled and wrapped his arms around his lover as he apparated them into another pathway he knew was close to a movie theatre. He quickly let go when he noticed a few people making their way to the place they were standing.

'Is that it?' Sirius asked, looking skeptically at the dull orange building and the brightly coloured movie posters. 'They're not even moving,' he complained further, poking one of the posters as they walked in. 'What fun is a picture if it doesn't move and  _oh_ -' Sirius stopped mid walk, causing Remus to bump into his back as he picked up his nose and gave it an experimental sniff in a very doggish manner. 'What's that smell, Moony?'

Remus scrunched up his nose. 'What smell? I don't smell anything.'

Sirius sniffed again, twirling around on his heels and causing people to stare at them oddly. 'That, Moony! That… _that_ …it's making my mouth water…don't you smell it?'

Remus laughed, comprehension finally dawning. 'It's just popcorn, Padfoot,' he explained, trying hard not to laugh.

Sometimes Remus forgot how the muggle world was still very new to Sirius. He was born a Black after all and had known even less than most wizards did when he'd joined Hogwarts. Remus remembered how Sirius had entirely adopted the muggle lifestyle as the years went by, first doing it just to spite his family and then carrying it on out of sheer fascination. It helped to be living with Remus, who was half blood and lived with muggles most of his life, and it was also a good thing that Sirius was a better pupil than Arthur Weasley. That man still asked Remus about 'ecklectricity' nearly every time they met.

'I'll get you some after we go inside. Just let me pick the movie, okay Padfoot?'

Sirius nodded distractedly, still enamoured by the overpowering aroma of buttered popcorn that seemed to dominate the entire building. 'I'm having this stuff for breakfast tomorrow…and lunch…and dinner.'

Remus rolled his eyes, choosing not to humour Sirius with an answer as he looked at all the possible choices he had. Inwardly, he wondered which hall was likely to be most empty; he very much intended to hold Sirius against his molestation charges. In fact, he needed to find a movie that was so impossibly ridiculous that no one except the two of them would actually pay to watch it. As if by some miracle of God, the spotlight shone on a brilliantly animated poster, and Remus quickly strode over to the ticket counter, dragging Sirius by the shoulder (it was a fire hazard to leave him alone).

'Two tickets to  _Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,_ please.'

Remus's realised, as he entered the hall, that his prediction had been spot on. The hall was practically empty, save for four other people. Two of whom Remus knew were here to nap in a place where they had sufficient heat; while the other two, a young couple, were probably here with the same intentions as Remus and Sirius (oblivious as he may be). Still, as necessary precaution, Remus looked around, carefully inspecting all the occupants, the lights and their angles.

'There…the last seat at the right corner,' Remus pointed to Sirius, confident that no one would be able to see them there. Inwardly, he thanked his fifth grade Math teacher and the difficult time she gave him when learning degrees and angles. 'The view will be perfect there,' he added as incentive, in case Sirius was having second thoughts. 'Why don't you go ahead, and I'll bring the popcorn and a couple of drinks, all right?'

Sirius brightened up. 'Get lots of it, Moony, and don't bring any of that Diet soda. It tastes like shit and none of us need it. We're skinny enough to start with.'

By the time Remus beat the long line at the snack counter and returned with enough popcorn to keep Sirius happy for the rest of the day and two bottles of fizzy soda (not diet, mind you. That time was a mistake), the movie had already started. Predictably so, Sirius was engrossed; he was sitting on the edge of his seat, back bent, eyes wide, and mouth stuck in a permanent 'oh'.

' _No weapon, no motive, no clues. All we have to go on is this bloody corpse.'_

' _Look again, Harry. That's not blood. It's tomato juice!'_

'Enjoying the movie, Padfoot?' Remus asked, taking his seat and setting the popcorn between them.

Sirius grinned and nodded, blindly reaching behind him for the popcorn. 'It's tomato juice, can you believe it, Moony? I mean, this stuff's wackier than Dumbledore in pink stripy knickers. Absolutely, bloody brilliant!'

Remus winced at the mental picture of Dumbledore that popped inside his head. Sirius didn't seem to have noticed and simply lay back on his seat, propping his feet up on the chair in front of him and laughing at some ridiculously bad jokes. Remus shook his head hopelessly, slinging an arm around Sirius's shoulder and planting a chaste kiss on his cheek.

Sirius turned to him questioningly. 'What was that for?'

'Because I can,' Remus replied smugly, trailing more kisses down his lover's jaw and neck.

Sirius smile lasted a millisecond before his face contorted in anger and shock. 'Can you believe that Richardson bloke; trying to make a fool out of those people! Like no one saw that tomato attack on the beach!'

The back of Remus's head hit the seat as he groaned in frustration. Trust Sirius Black to find entertainment in a movie called  _Attack of the Killer Tomatoes_. For what seemed like the next few hours but what was actually minutes, Remus was subjected to the mindless torture of watching tomatoes, tomatoes, and even more violent and aggressive tomatoes.

'That Smith fellow's fantastic, Moony! I wonder where he gets his costumes from…that beard looks practically real!'

From the corner of his eyes, Remus could see the young couple in the front seat snogging heavily and sighed in boredom and frustration.

He played with Sirius's hair idly, curling it between his fingers, massaging the scalp slightly at the base. Apart from a slight sound of content, Sirius seemed unaffected, stuffing more popcorn into his mouth as he stared, transfixed, into the wide screen. Remus frowned, annoyed but determined. He moved his ministrations to the back of Sirius's neck, rubbing slow tantalising circles he knew drove Sirius wild, dipping his fingers past the shirt collar and following the path of his finger's with his lips shortly after.

Remus scowled at Sirius's complete impassiveness. He was going to kill Lily for suggesting the idea of a movie. It was obvious what was going to happen, yet the Remus had completely overlooked it. Of course Sirius would be fascinated; this was, after all, Sirius  _fucking_  Black – king of complete idiocy. Remus should have offered to take him out for breakfast or something, or maybe a visit to the museum (not the zoo; that would be dangerous…for the animals).

'Padfoot…' Remus growled irritably.

Sirius took a sip from his drink. 'Hm?'

Remus grabbed Sirius by the chin, turned his face forcefully, and crashed their lips together in a fierce kiss, wasting no time to plunder Sirius's mouth with his tounge or bite teasingly into his lower lip. Remus grinned triumphantly as Sirius moaned quietly into his mouth and allowed himself to be pulled into Remus's lap so that their bodies were flush together.

' _Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags.'_

'Moony?' Sirius whispered breathlessly, resting his forehead against Remus's and tangling his fingers in soft brown hair.

'… _He means fruits, sir.'_

Remus smiled, brushing his thumb against Sirius's cheek. 'Gods…yeah?'

'I don't get it.'

* * *

 

Remus took a last drag of his cigarette and looked at Sirius's profile, sharpened by the dim streetlights. They'd chosen to walk home instead of apparating because (as Remus helpfully supplied), all good dates ended with the couple walking each other home. It gave them a chance to talk and be romantic, Remus thought, remembering all the movies and shows he watched on television with his mother.

There was a curfew, he knew, set by both the wizard and muggle community; it was dangerous times after all, and one could never know where the next murder might strike. Still, Remus figured it wouldn't hurt to make one day an exception; they were both skilled wizards and it  _was_  a present for Sirius (who smelled disturbingly like a tub of popcorn).

'Can we bring James to watch the movie again, Moony? I bet he'd love it, too!' Sirius grinned, looking happier and more relaxed than he had in a long time, sending pleasant bursts of joy through Remus.

'Sure, Padfoot, but the two of you can go alone. I'd rather die than watch that shit again. Honestly, tomatoes taking over the world.'

Sirius rolled his eyes like Remus was the biggest imbecile on the planet. 'It's symbolic, Moony; I'd think that was obvious. It shows that the things that we usually neglect and consider harmless are what comes back and bites us in the arse.'

'Bollocks. You're making that up, I can tell,' Remus grouched. 'You just like the idea of murdering tomatoes.'

'Moony, my hopeless friend, you simply cannot think beyond the horizons. You shall forever remain tied down to your facts and your books. I pity you, my love, you and your feeble mind.'

Remus punched Sirius in the shoulder. 'Oh hush. You're in no position to pity me, what with your track record.'

'Hm…' Their fingers brushed together, and Sirius entwined his index with Remus's pinky briefly before letting go. 'Did you talk to your mother recently, Moony? She owled again, you know, and I think she called Lily a couple of times, too.'

Remus shrugged. 'I didn't think it was important. She knows where I'm going.'

Sirius frowned at Remus's casual indifference. 'I'm sure she'd want to hear it from your mouth though. I think she wants you over for Christmas or maybe New Years.'

'Well, I won't even be here, will I?'

'You could have visited her earlier. You know she worries abou-'

'She doesn't want me there, Padfoot,' Remus replied coldly. 'She can't even look me straight in the face anymore, so what good will my visit do her except torture her even further. Now please, let's not talk about this, I'm begging you. I really don't want to argue with you on this matter, especially not tonight.'

Remus looked so sad and pathetic that Sirius couldn't help but let the matter drop with a heavy sigh. He didn't say anything further, walking quietly and letting Remus tangle their fingers together as they walked into an abandoned street – a shortcut that people rarely used because of the state of the roads.

'Did you see that new kid in today's meeting: Dodge?' Remus asked, breaking the silence between them.

Sirius snorted. 'Yeah, I'm babysitting him for our next few missions. Bloody boring patrol stuff, too; wouldn't do to endanger his diapered little arse.'

'Really?'

'Ahan, Caradoc Dearborn offered to be his mentor, but he chose me instead.' Sirius grimaced. 'So now I'm stuck because Moody figured it would be the perfect way to exact revenge upon me for what happened last class.'

'I don't blame him, really. You did knock the man out for two whole hours.'

'It was a mistake!' Sirius cried out. 'I lost my temper!'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'You're always losing your temper, Padfoot, I wish you'd think more and act on instinct less. It's really dangerous; the way you work sometimes. It's like you're charging headfirst into death.'

'Worried, Moony?' Sirius smirked, raising an eyebrow and swinging their entwined hands slightly. 'Don't worry your pretty little head, mate, you know I always keep safe.'

Remus smiled, lifting his other hand to tuck errant strands of black hair behind Sirius's ears. 'In any case, I'd advise you to  _keep safe_  of Dodge's hands. He might try to grope you. I can tell you right now that he didn't choose you as mentor for your skill with the wand.' He glanced slyly at Sirius's crotch. 'Not the wooden one, at least.'

Sirius laughed, smacking Remus up the head. 'I'll keep that in mind then. Besides, I really think its Dodge who should be wary of me, don't you Moony?'

Remus didn't miss the mischievous glint in Sirius's eyes. 'I know what you're thinking, Padfoot, and I'm warning you. Don't you dare harass that poor child.'

'Poor child?' A minute ago, you told me he likes to cop a feel every once in a while! Besides, he's only a year or two younger than us. That hardly constitutes as a child.'

'I'm serious, Padfoot, he's young and he's new. You're supposed to be his mentor, not some twat who gives him a hard time,' Remus said sternly.

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist and pulled the werewolf flush against him. 'It's just a harmless bit of fun, Moony. Stuff James and I used to pull on first years. I'd probably just turn into a Grim or something; give him a good scare.' He nudged the skin behind Remus's ear affectionately with his nose. 'It could be like an inauguration.'

Remus was about to retort when he noticed that they were currently standing in front of the steps to their flat. Both their hands dropped immediately, and they moved away to put a good distance between each other. Remus tried hard not to show too much disappointment.

'Time flies, eh?' Sirius asked as they walked up the staircase, jangling the keys to their flat in his pocket.

'I guess so.'

They stopped at their front door, Sirius still fiddling with the bundle of keys. 'Thanks for tonight, Moony; I really did have a lot of fun.' He looked around a little and planted a quick kiss on Remus's lips. 'It really was the best present ever.'

Remus blushed. 'Well, I had fun, too, even though you were too busy with the movie to pay me any notice.'

Sirius shrugged, unlocking the door. 'You'll always be the centre of my attention, Moony, you should know that by now.'

Remus smiled softly, but said nothing.

Sirius was looking at him with a dreamy sort of expression; eyes glazed over, eyebrows arched underneath messy black hair, lips curved in a teasing yet confident smile. 'So,' he said in a low, husky voice, holding Remus's hands between his own. 'Do you want to come in for coffee or something?'

For a moment, they both stared at each other – Remus looking incredulous, and Sirius looking cocky and as if he was trying to hold back laughter at the same time. They both burst out laughing simultaneously, falling over each other and clutching the other's shoulders for support.

'You absolute prick!' Remus cried out between chuckles.

'Hey, you're the one who wanted it to be all date-y and what not,' Sirius gasped as Remus wrestled him against the wall.

'That bit doesn't bloody count if we live together, you git!'

'KEEP IT DOWN YOU NASTY HOOLIGANS! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!'

There were more disapproving shouts and screams, and Remus and Sirius quickly muffled their laughter with a hand placed on the other's mouth.

BLOODY, THOUGHTLESS-'

'Bet they think we're drunk,' Sirius said, still chortling as he pulled Remus into the flat and pinned him against the door.

Remus caught his breath only to burst out laughing again; he was glad to have Sirius holding him up or he'd definitely have fallen over by now. 'I feel like it, too. Do you think there was something in the popcorn?'

Sirius licked a trail up Remus's neck. 'You never know with these muggles. Enough talking. Does this date of ours end with you fucking me in the bedroom or not?'

Remus arched his neck to give Sirius's tounge better access. 'Gods, I should hope so.'

* * *

 

Sirius woke up in the morning to find Remus running around in a frenzy in his boxer shorts, his wet hair flying all over the place, his shirt hanging open, and a cigarette dangling at the corner of his lips as he pulled out clothes randomly and stuffed them into his rucksack.

'Moony?'

Remus jumped and turned to face Sirius. 'Oh, Padfoot, good, you're awake.'

'Hm,' Sirius mumbled, sitting up and sleepily pulling on his boxers. 'You're leaving already.'

'I'm late actually,' Remus replied, zipping his trousers and walking towards Sirius. 'Dumbledore wanted me earlier, but I overslept.'

'Hm,' Sirius said again, pulling Remus to him and working Remus's shirt buttons close.

Remus nodded, taking a long drag of his cigarette. 'Listen, I made some breakfast for you. It's got a warming charm on it, so you can have it whenever you like. I did the grocery shopping, too, so you won't end up starving yourself or anything. '

Sirius hummed, finishing the last of Remus's buttons and buckling Remus's belt; he fastened it by an extra hole, making it impossibly tight out of pure spite.

Remus made a disgruntled grunt, but otherwise said nothing about Sirius taking revenge on his waist line. 'And don't eat take out while I'm away; you remember your curry fiasco, don't you? Pester Prongs and Lily; eat all three meals at their house if you have to. I don't want you getting sick again.'

Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled the hairbrush out of Remus's hands, carefully combing through honey brown hair and parting it into a neat line.

'I picked up our laundry too, so your robes are all clean and pressed for work.' Remus winced as Sirius pulled on a knot. 'They're on the left side of the cupboard, so don't mess them up with any of mine.'

'I won't,' Sirius groused, as he helped Remus into his robes and buttoned them.

'If you need anything, Padfoot, if you're in trouble, you call Prongs or Wormtail immediately. You understand?'

Sirius rolled his eyes, pulled the fag out of Remus's lips, took a drag himself, and stubbed it against the bedpost. 'I'll be fine, Moony. You don't have to mother me. You've been gone plenty of times before, and I took care of myself all right.'

Remus smiled softly, cupping Sirius's cheek. "I know that…I'm just trying to buy more time with you, I guess,' he admitted. 'I don't want to leave, really.'

Sirius laugh came out more high pitched than intended and before he knew what he was doing, he pulled Remus into a tight hug, snuffling into the soft cloth of Remus's chest and smelling fresh detergent. Sirius felt Remus set his chin on the crown of his head, his hands rubbing Sirius's back in haphazard motion.

'I love you,' Remus whispered, kissing his hair.

Sirius laughed again and pushed Remus away lightly. 'Go on then,' he said, shoving Remus's stomach with his palm. 'Go save the world and what not. I'll see you later.'

* * *

 

'You're still coming for dinner at our place, aren't you, Sirius?' Lily asked, hooking arms with Alice Longbottom casually. 'Frank and Alice have some good news to share apparently.'

Alice blushed and Frank beamed proudly at two of the Marauders and Lily, but otherwise said nothing. He never was the kind to say much, not unless he was bleeding drunk anyway.

They were at another Order meeting; nothing too serious, just a little Christmas celebration to spread holiday cheer during dark times. Everyone had cooked and brought something from their respective homes to join into a big feast for Christmas lunch/tea. Of course, Sirius, being unable to do anything domestic, had brought the wine and chocolate biscuits.

'Padfoot hardly needs an invitation,' James snorted. 'He practically lives in our house now that Moony's gone. Poor doggy misses his master – whipped!' he whispered the last part into Sirius's ear so that Frank and Alice couldn't hear.

Sirius cuffed him up the head. 'I'll have you know that the only reason I bother coming to that flat of yours is because Lily is the best cook I know. Also,' he continued, kissing Lily's cheek, 'who can deny the company of such a lovely woman.'

Alice groaned and Frank rolled his eyes, letting out an exasperated 'oh please!'

James glared. 'I know a complete lack of social life makes you horny, Padfoot, but that doesn't give you permission to hit on my wife.'

Sirius smirked. 'Your wife has been pining for a chance to sleep with me for ages, Prongs, but you've always been in our way.' He wrapped his arms around Lily's waist and whispered loudly in her ears, 'It's okay, my love, Prongs knows now; there's nothing left to hide.'

Alice and Lily burst out laughing. 'Dream on, Black,' Lily replied, pushing away Sirius gently.

'Oh, Alice then,' Sirius said, grinning and wrapping his arms around Frank's wife this time. 'You've always been my first choice, love, but that Evans was so annoyingly persistent. She seduced me wrongly, you know!'

'You're really full of shit, Sirius!' Alice replied, giggling but unlike Lily, hugging him back.

'It's a pity really that little Peter couldn't come,' Frank said, wiping tears of mirth from the corner of his eyes. 'What kind of arse makes a man work on Christmas? Poor bloke.'

Lily nodded in agreement. 'He's always working, have you noticed? When's the last time we saw him outside official Order meetings? He doesn't even join the boys for drinks anymore.'

James shrugged. 'What can you do? A job's a job. Wormtail has to support his mother and sister now; he can't just up and quit whenever he likes. Besides, he said he'll be over tomorrow with presents…He tells me he's buying something special for you this year, Lily, to celebrate our baby and all.'

Lily blushed. 'Peter's a sweetheart.'

'Bloody rat's stealing my title, he is,' grumbled Sirius, 'only minutes ago, I was the sweetheart of the group.'

'It's a miracle your head fits through the door with an ego like yours, Sirius,' Alice said, rolling her eyes at Lily but fighting back a smile.

Sirius was about to retort when the clock struck six. 'Oh, shit. I have to go.'

'Nonsense, Sirius, you're coming at our place directly for dinner with Frank and Alice,' Lily said disapprovingly, as Sirius made a grab for the leather jacket he'd thrown aside on a nearby chair. 'What's the hurry?'

'I need to get to the cleaners. I wore Remus's robes to our field practice last time and got them filthy; he'll kill me if he finds out.' Sirius pulled the zipper and wrapped his scarf around his neck. 'The cleaners close at seven because of curfew and then they won't open until after Christmas. I don't know about you, but I don't fancy Moony's wrath when he comes back.'

James shook his head sadly. 'Whipped,' he mouthed silently and smirked when Sirius held up two fingers before walking out the door.

'Mr. Black! Wait!' Young Elphias Dodge's voice rang above the thrum of Sirius's motorbike.

'No patrols tonight, Elf, you can go home if you like,' Sirius said, revving up the engine.

Elphias stopped in front of the bike, panting from his run. 'I know that, Mr. Black, Mr. Moody told me to go wit' you. Says e'ryone should be goin' 'round in pair or groups o' sorts.'

Sirius tightened his scarf around his neck. Over the past week, he'd taken quite a liking to the young boy; Elphias was an eager and fast learner, charmingly humble, and a good conversationalist when you were bored out of your mind. Also, he knew how to take a good prank (though he was still convinced he saw the Grim earlier). So far, Remus's warnings of Dodge's wandering hands had gone unneeded; although Sirius did notice the boy's extremely flirtatious nature (Dodge's newest target being Marlene McKinnon), Elphias had been thoroughly decent (if not lacking a bit of tact) throughout.

'Moody sent you or you volunteered because you wanted a ride on the bike?' Sirius asked, already handing over the helmet Remus sometimes used to Elphias.

Elphias simply grinned as he strapped his helmet on and sat behind him.

'Oh and please don't call me Mr. Black, Elf. It makes me feel like an old man. We're all equals here in the Order.'

'All righ', Mr. Black,' Elf said with a cocky smirk. 'Why not apparate, sir? Wouldn' it be safer?'

Sirius rolled his eyes as cast Dillusionment charms on both of them and the bike. Most people would be home by now, but it still wasn't wise to have a flying motorbike in plain sight, especially in a muggle neighbourhood. 'You'll call me Sirius if you don't want to be thrown off this bike, am I clear? And I wanted a nice quiet, peaceful ride home actually. I'm afraid my chances of that are ruined,' he said, looking pointedly at Dodge and taking off at a steep angle.

Elphias made a surprised little sound at the back of his throat and clutched at Sirius's waist tightly. 'Tha's the first choir I's seen today, can you believe that, sir?' he said, pointing to one of the houses below them where sure enough, there was a small group of children singing while three of the adults played instruments.

Sirius dived down a little closer and to his utter disappointment, heard the familiar tunes of  _White Christmas_. If Remus were here, Sirius mused, he would argue that it was a beautiful song; a song that spoke about the spirit of Christmas and that Sirius just failed to understand the true meaning behind the soulful music. Then, Sirius would say that it didn't matter if it was because Christmas was supposed to be about joy and happiness, and not slow depressing music that nearly put you to sleep. God, he missed Remus.

''s beautiful, innit?' Elphias asked, leaning precariously in his seat to catch a better glimpse of them.

Sirius shook his head and pulled the boy by the back of his coat before he fell over. 'It's dull. I'd rather add some holiday cheer, if you don't mind.' Sirius left no room for questions as he pulled out his wand and with an elegant swish, charmed the instruments to play  _Werewolves of London_ instead.

Elphias burst out laughing as the choir turned into a confused mess, some of the children glaring at the band for playing the wrong tune, while others trying to catch up with the music while still singing  _White Christmas._ The spectators, a small family of four people, were battling between expressions of puzzlement and disgust.

'Awooooo!' Dodge howled, head thrown back and still laughing. 'Awooooo!'

Sirius chuckled, feeling a little better and threw down the little muggle money he had at the choir's feet. 'For you, Moony,' he whispered happily before climbing up the sky again.

'So,' said Dodge, once they'd gained sufficient altitude and flown far away from the people. 'He's your boyfrien', isn' he?'

Sirius shivered and tugged at his jacket; he'd forgotten how much colder it would be this high up. 'What are you talking about?' he asked, brows furrowing as he noticed the thick mist that erupted from his every word.

'Remy…the two o' you are goin' out together, ain't you? Like boyfrien's and stuff.'

Sirius turned back to look at Dodge incredulously. Remus had told him that Dodge knew about their relationship, but no one had ever used the term _boyfriend_  before. It sounded ridiculous even in his head; like Sirius was some kind of school girl. 'His name's Remus.'

'Bit rich coming from someone who calls him Moony, innit? 'Sides, you din't answer the question.'

Again, Sirius mused at Dodge's complete lack of tact. It was good that the boy spoke his mind, but it did tend to get a little intrusive sometimes. 'Yes, we're together. What of it?' Sirius snapped defensively.

Elphias grinned toothily. 'Well, must be fun…bein' with a werewolf an' all. I mean, does he have superpowers; can silver really burn 'im; do the changes 'urt? Is he ahem…aggressive in bed?'

Sirius raised a sardonic eyebrow. 'You seem curious in matters that don't concern you, Elf. Certainly can't be healthy.'

'Come on, sir,' Dodge groaned, nudging him lightly. 'I'm old enuf'…'nother year an' I'll be of age and every thin'! 'Sides, I'm freezing me bollocks off ridin' on your bike. Migh' as well give me somethin' to 'member.'

Sirius laughed and shook his head exasperatedly. 'You're impossible, Elf. Well, let's see…no, yes, yes, and sometimes.'

Elphias's eyes widened comically. 'Sometimes…really?'

'Close your mouth, Elf, you'll ca-'

'Christ, what's going on down there?' Elphias cried, suddenly fisting the back of Sirius's jacket and causing Sirius to lose control of the bike momentarily.

Sirius steadied them quickly and looked down, following Elphias's gaze. 'Oh fuck, it's an attack! Twelve Death Eaters…I can't believe this! On bloody Christmas, too!'

'I know those people, sir; they're wizards!'

'Shit, fuck; there are children there!' Sirius dove towards the ground, casting a heavy silencing charm upon the bike as he did. 'Get off, Elf!' he cried out, skidding to a stop. 'Get off now and call for help! Send a Patronus back in the Headquarters, everyone should still be there!'

Elphias stumbled, nearly falling over from Sirius's insistent push. 'What about you?' he screamed desperately, wincing when Sirius removed the Dillusionment charm with a forceful tap on his head.

'I'm going to try to take them down or at least hold them back till help arrives,' Sirius said, his voice unnaturally calm and a steely glint in his light grey eyes.

Elphias grabbed him by the arm. 'You can't do that! There are too many of them there! They'll slaughter you!'

'You're wasting my time, Elphias!' Sirius growled angrily, snatching his arm away and twisting the handles of the motorbike experimentally. 'If you think I'm going to sit and watch innocent children die, you've got another thing coming! Besides, I'm Dillusioned; they won't know what hit them! Now go!'

Before Elphias could protest further, Sirius had driven away; the only sign of anyone in the vicinity being the tell tale glimmer of the Dillusionment charm cast on the black haired man. Elphias looked away, unable to see what was going to happen next and concentrated on producing his Patronus.

'Breathe, Elf,' he told himself, as a small silver Onyx appeared from the top of his wand. 'Focus, call for help. Mr. Black needs help.'

A shrill scream pierced the night air, and Elphias whipped around to see Sirius lying crumpled on the ground, his Dillusionment charm lifted and his motorbike splayed on top of his legs, restricting him to his position on the ground. Sirius, however, was undeterred and continually aiming spells at all the Death Eaters, but in vain as most of them were dodged or deflected. He was heavily outnumbered.

'Shite,' Elphias swore, clutching his wand tighter and preparing himself for a fight he was sure to lose. He was a good dueler, yes, but he knew his limitations. 'Merlin, help me.' He'd never felt this scared his entire life; his hands shaking, his heart pumping wildly, adrenaline rushing into his veins.

It was when Elphias was running towards the house with every intention to help Sirius that he saw the words form on the Death Eater's mouth before he'd actually heard it. Elphias's reflexes were quick; his wand rose from practiced instinct and he aimed, knowing only too well that he wasn't going to be successful even before he cast the spell.

'AVADA KEDAVRA!'

The familiar jet of green light shot forcefully from the Death Eater's wand, brushing past Elphias and missing him by a hairsbreadth as it made its way towards Sirius with lightening speed. Sirius, who was completely incapable of moving even an inch.

'MR. BLACK!'

* * *

 

'Argh!' Remus fell to the floor with a loud thud, clutching his heart as unspeakable pain shot through it. His chest burned red hot pins, needles and daggers shooting through it, tightening, convulsing, piercing and caving. It was worse than the transformation, worse than any sort of pain he'd ever felt, and Remus knew as he cried and screamed and howled, knew that his time had come, that he was going to die right now and he was going to welcome it. Anything to make the searing pain stop, anything to make it go away. Sweat trickled down his head, his back, his chest; his breath came as short gasps of pain and need; his chest heaved and his head pounded from exertion; his heart was beating so loud and fast Remus was sure it was going to pop out of his rib cage any moment.

Then suddenly, it stopped. It didn't fade away slowly like most pain; no, it just burnt out like it had never been there, and Remus found himself gasping for air like a stranded fish and clutching at his heart tightly. He could feel hands helping him up; shoulders supporting him; a cool wet cloth wiping his face and neck.

'Call the ambulance now! Hurry, Matilda!'

The tears that had been pooling in Remus's eyes fell, his vision clearing to reveal the familiar, worried faces of the waiter and the man that had been sitting on the stool beside him.

'I'm fine,' Remus croaked out, forcing his knees to straighten and help him stand on his own. 'Please, don't call the hospital. I'm fine'

The waiter's (Larry?) hold tightened even further. 'You're having some kind of heart attack, sir, we need to get you to the hospital immediately. Please don't stress yourself.'

'No,' Remus protested weakly, tugging at the hands that were holding him up. 'Look, they're just…they're just panic attacks,' he lied, 'I have them all the time. I just need some rest, and everything will be fine, I promise.'

'He does seem to be fine,' said the other man, scrutinising Remus carefully. 'Whatever it was seems to have gone down.'

Larry looked hesitant.

'Look, there's a couple of pounds in my bag,' Remus said desperately, now fighting the exhaustion and sleep that seem to command him. 'Just take how much ever you need and put me in a room, okay? Please, I just need to get some rest. I'll leave early tomorrow.'

Larry nodded reluctantly.

By the time, Remus had been half carried upstairs to his room and deposited on the bed, he was considerably less tired; he seemed to have gained his energy a little bit. His eyes still strained for sleep, but he brought himself to muster up enough strength to take a shower before getting ready for bed. The pain had faded into a distant memory, and Remus wondered if the incident had all been in his imagination as he watched layers of grime and blood wash off his pale skin.

His mission had proved easier than he'd expected. There was a fight, a scuffle of sorts when Remus had first entered into the colony but that was purely instinctual. Remus had given no forewarning of his arrival, and the members of the werewolf pack had been threatened. They had thought he was a Ministry official or an angered citizen, here to burn them out.

After that misunderstanding, however, the werewolves had been wonderfully courteous and welcoming, despite the dilapidated state of their dwellings. They had welcomed Remus as one of their own, listened to what Remus had to say patiently, and given their replies with the utmost respect for Dumbledore and the Order. They hadn't even been an actual pack; they were more like a group or a club of human beings who looked after each other after being shunned by the rest of the society. Many of them had secret lives outside; jobs, sometimes families, and only visited to talk about their worries, or lend a helping hand, or even just to feel like they belonged. It was sad and wonderful at the same time.

The journey back had been longer and more tiring because he'd had travel on foot most of the way because apparition was easily detected. Remus had been reluctant to stop, aching to just go home, but as night fell and exhaustion took over, he opted to stay at an inn in Derbyshire for the night. He had been casually drinking and chatting to the man sitting beside him when that…attack…that pain had come.

Remus pulled on his boxer shorts and collapsed into his bed. Blindly, his foot searched for his rucksack at the base of the bed and hooked itself in one of the straps, pulling it to his stomach. Rummaging inside it, Remus found what he was looking for and pulled the crumpled photograph out with care so as not to tear it. It was picture from James and Lily's wedding, all the Marauders and Lily smiling and waving at the camera cheerfully – a favourite or Remus's and something he kept at all times with him.

Remus had taken the picture out only once on the thirteen days that he was away from home. Tonight, however, something pulled at Remus's heartstrings as he looked at Sirius's smiling face. Tonight, there was this urge; this longing to see Sirius, to touch him, to feel him, to kiss him, to make love to him, to make sure he was okay. Though his heartbeat had slowed back to normal, he felt a strange pull, not entirely painful, as he thought of his lover.

Remus caressed the image of Sirius with his thumb. 'What are you doing now, Padfoot?' he quietly asked no one. He looked at the picture one last time before sliding it underneath his pillow and surrendering to the sleep that had been trying to overcome him for so long.

* * *

 


	36. Beginnings and Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**December, 1979** _

'I'm looking for,' Remus panted out, sliding to a stop in front on the reception desk, 'Sirius Black.'

The receptionist (Tabitha Williams, her name tag read) blinked, astonished my Remus's sudden appearance. 'Er…just hold on a minute,' she said in her best professional voice as, much to Remus's irritation, she bent down to look through the hospital records. 'Ah, he's down to your second left, room two-o-eight.'

Remus muttered a thank you before taking off in the fastest sprint of his life, bumping shoulders with healers and other visitors as he hurried to get past them. His heart was beating at a furious pace; his mind conjuring up mental images of what could have happened to Sirius. He had never quite heard what Dumbledore had said after their brief meeting regarding the werewolf mission, which Remus had attended to as soon as he'd reached London. He had simply managed to catch the words "Sirius", "hurt", and "Mungo's" before he had dashed into the fireplace.

'Two-o-five, two-o-six,' Remus counted down as he passed each room, 'two-o-seven, two-o-' he stopped when he noticed a Medi-witch and wizard walking out of the door. The Medi-witch carried a tray full of potions (one, which Remus noticed, was  _Dreamless Sleep_ ), and she kept glancing at the Medi-wizard worryingly as he painfully limped beside her. The man looked like he'd been kicked in the balls.

Remus let them pass before bursting in through the door. 'Sirius!'

Remus recognised that head of short, black hair anywhere, even if most of it was hidden beneath stark white sheets along with the rest of the body.

Sirius got up blearily upon hearing his name, his sheets sliding off his shoulders and pooling in his lap. 'Moony?' He blinked a few times before rubbing both eyes with his fists.

Remus's eyes rapidly scanned Sirius's form, searching for any sort of injury or mark that might indicate to what happened; if he was okay; if he was really as hurt as Remus's morbid imaginations had made them out to be. Somewhat satisfied when he found nothing, Remus fast walked to Sirius's bedside, carelessly brushing past the curtains that separated Sirius's bed from the next patient's.

'Hello, Padfoot,' Remus muttered softly, affectionately, as he stroked Sirius's cheek with the back of his hand.

Sirius smiled contently, leaning into Remus's touch. 'Moony,' his voice sounded tired, complementing the soft droop of his eyes. 'I knew you were coming. No one believed me, but I knew…'

The blue curtains behind Remus swung open noisily. 'He's right, you know. He was really restless today; wouldn't take his potions and when they tried to force feed him, he kicked one of them in the balls.'

For a second, Remus's mind shut down from sensory overload and the pain it took to process so much information together. He reached out to touch the figure that now sat upright in front of him, legs swinging merrily. 'Prongs? What the hell?'

James smiled cheerfully. 'Afternoon, Moony.'

'Dumbledore didn't tell me you were- fuck!' Remus got up swiftly and hugged James. 'What are you doing here?' he asked, disentangling, but keeping an anxious arm around James's shoulder. 'How did you - are you alright?' A sudden thought came up in his head. 'Is Lily alright? Shit, James, the baby-'

James grabbed his upper arms firmly and shook him. 'Calm down, Moony, everyone's fine, I promise. Lily's a little frazzled, but otherwise safe. She's at my mum's place.'

Remus heaved a sigh of relief, feeling embarrassingly sentimental and pulling James into another hug. James laughed but otherwise said nothing. His hold on Remus tightened slightly though, betraying the casualness in his tone.

'We met  _him_ , Moony,' James said quietly into Remus's shoulder. 'Lily and I, we met him. Voldemort.'

Remus felt his fist tighten around the back of James' robes from a mixture of anger, fear, and extreme hatred. 'Did he do anything to any of you?' he asked, possessive and protective of all of them suddenly. They were his friends, his family, they were… 'Did he hurt you?'

James smiled reassuringly. 'It wasn't too bad. Couple of bruises and wayward hexes. There were a lot of us, so we scraped through. Can't say it wasn't terrifying though.'

'Moony,' Sirius whined suddenly, alarming Remus who, in all his worry, had almost forgotten that Sirius was right beside them. 'Moony,' he said again, this time pouting and trying to hold up his droopy eyes long enough to look supremely pathetic. 'Prongs is stupid,' he stated, holding his arms out towards Remus like a child.

Remus realised he still had James in a sort of one armed hug and frowned at Sirius's petulant and possessive expression. James, however, simply grinned knowingly, squeezed Remus one more time before planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

'Moony!' Sirius spread his arms wider, hands opening and closing in a beckoning gesture.

Remus, disgusted by the amount of residue saliva James had left on his face and heavily puzzled at his lover's behaviour, pinched the bridge of his nose. He finally shrugged and indulged in Sirius when James's grin threatened to fall off his face and Sirius's whine threatened to make his ears bleed deaf.

'What's wrong with him?' Remus asked James, as Sirius pulled him tighter and snuggled into him, making soft happy noises that sounded more dog than human. 'He's acting odder than normal.'

'Ah,' James said in a mock grim tone, 'He takes five different kinds of potions everyday…they sort of make him a little…' James crossed his eyes as explanation.

'That's not true!' Sirius exclaimed so vehemently that he almost knocked poor Remus off the bed. He pulled Remus back before resuming his adamant position. 'I'm not…I'm not-' Sirius tried to cross his eyes, scrunching up his face and looking remarkably constipated.

James looked at Sirius pointedly. 'You see what I mean?'

Remus didn't know what to say as he watched Sirius give up and rest his head against Remus's chest, drawing patterns into his shirt that felt distinctly like little flowers and hearts. 'You're itchy,' he commented idly, reaching up to scratch Remus's day old stubble instead of his own.

'Don't worry; he'll drop off in a second or two.'

As if in reply, Sirius let out a large snore before snuffling into Remus's shirt.

'Well, that's a relief,' Remus remarked, gently pushing Sirius mouth close before the drool managed to soak his shirt completely. Out of habit, he rubbed Sirius's back soothingly, hand slipping under his hospital robes and finding a heavy set of bandages covering familiar smooth skin. 'What happened, Prongs?' he asked, the worried tone now back in his voice, as he fingered the circle of bandages that wound up from the small of Sirius's back, around his stomach, to just below his chest. 'What happened to all of you?'

'You know what happened, Moony, you're smart enough to figure it out.' James held up a hand when Remus tried to protest. 'I can't tell you the finer details, not here, not now.'

Remus nodded reluctantly.

'We lost a few men,' James continued solemnly. 'The healer says I should be able to get out by tonight or tomorrow morning. I'll explain everything to you then.'

'What about Padfoot?' he asked, absently moving Sirius fringe out of his eyes.

James shrugged. 'I don't know. Padfoot was in a real state, Moony. A day earlier and you would have gone mental; legs broken, arms bleeding, and that wasn't even the worst of it. In fact, they healed those easily; it was his back that really suffered the damage. His skin was totally burnt off and there were traces of Dark magic under his flesh, and they didn't know how to-'

'I don't think I want to hear anymore, James,' Remus said, feeling nauseous. 'I really don't. I'm just glad you're all safe, that's enough for now.'

James looked at him apologetically. 'I don't suppose you'll be sharing the finer details of your mission with us, eh?' he asked, obviously trying to change the subject into something more comfortable.

Remus hoisted Sirius up a fraction, so that his head was now comfortably cradled in the crook of his neck. 'I don't think I can, Prongs. I mean Dumbledore said-'

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud crashing sound, and Remus was only able to catch a glimpse of platinum blond hair before the door banged shut.

'Was that Elf?' Remus looked at James questioningly, to which James simply shrugged. Remus glanced back at the door thoughtfully. Making up his mind, he gently laid Sirius down on the pillows. 'I'll be right back.'

'Elf!' Remus couldn't figure out why the boy was running away from him, and he sped up out of sheer curiosity. 'Elphias, will you please stop?' He finally caught up to the young boy at the entrance of Mungo's, placing a firm, restraining arm on Elphias's shoulder and making him turn around swiftly.

'I'm really sorry, Remy!' Elphias cried out suddenly, startling Remus. 'I tried, hones'!' He really did look desperately sorry, and Remus would have appreciated it more if he knew exactly what Elphias had done to be sorry about.

'What are you talking about? Elf, what-'

Elphias tugged at his hair lightly 'I was suppos'd to watch Mr. Black's back, but I-'

Remus grabbed Elphias by the forearms, squeezing tightly. 'Quiet! Don't you know better than to talk about things like this outside?' Elphias looked more frightened than ever, and Remus realised that he was holding the poor boy a little too hard. Apologetically, he rubbed Elphias's upper arms before letting go. 'Sorry; look, why don't you come back to my flat for a cup of tea and we'll talk there. Does that sound all right?'

'But-'

'Come on, no one's told me anything yet, and I'd like to know what's going on.' He smiled reassuringly. 'You look like you could do with something to eat.'

'I-don' know where to apparate to,' Elphias said nervously. 'I don' wanna cause no trouble or nothin'.'

Remus waved it off, grabbing Elphias by the wrist before he could protest any further and apparating to the front of their flat door.

'Sit down, make yourself comfortable while I make us some tea,' Remus said, getting in and hanging his keys on the hook. 'You can dump your coat on one of the chairs if you like.'

Elphias shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself from the cold. 'You got a very nice 'ome,' he commented courteously, sitting down on the couch.

Remus raised a sardonic eyebrow as he looked around the piles of discarded clothing, dirty plates in the sink, and bit of what looked suspiciously like black dog fur scattered on the floor. The two of them were messy enough when Remus was around, but Sirius seemed to have gone to the point of disgusting these past few days alone. Remus shook his head hopelessly and put the kettle to boil.

'Tell me what happened, Elf.'

Elphias nodded, glancing up briefly at Remus and then quickly looking down. 'Please, Remy, don' be angry.'

'I won't be angry,' Remus said gently as he rummaged inside the fridge to find something edible. 'I'm sorry if I came out a bit brash earlier, Elf. I just came back home today and everything's a complete muddle. I hope you understand.' He salvaged a few pieces of bologna and a packet of bread with flourish.

Elphias shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 'I was walkin' Mr. Black 'ome when we spotted 'em Death Eaters. I tried to stop 'im, I did, I swear it, but 'e told me to send for help and he'd fight. I ran back as fast as I could to help, and tha's when I saw one o' 'em shoot the Kedavra, you know.'

'The Killing Curse?' Remus asked, horrified, and nearly dropping the plate in his hands. James had told him it was bad, but he hadn't for one second thought the Avada Kedavra might have been used.

'Tha's the one. An' Mr. Black couldn' move neither 'cause 'e was trapped under his bike and was tryin' to shoot curses the whole time.'

Remus's fists clenched and unclenched; he needed a fag. 'Merlin. How did he escape?'

'It was shite amazin', Remy, 'e transformed! Into a dog!' Elphias's eyes lit up with childish excitement. 'The curse only grazed his fur a bit.'

Remus remembered what James had said about the injury on Sirius's back and felt his throat tighten. It was a close miss, a lucky one; had the curse touched flesh instead of fur, Sirius would be dead right now. A degree lower, and Remus would be facing the dead body of the one person he'd ever fallen in love with.

'Elphias,' Remus said seriously, now pouring the tea into two individual cups. 'I need to ask you a question and I want you to give a truthful answer, all right?'

Elphias nodded, looking a tad intimidated by Remus's sudden stern tone.

'Did anyone else see Sirius transform?'

'No,' Elphias replied confidently, sitting up straight. 'No one but me.'

Remus closed his eyes from relief. 'Good. One lump or two, Elf?'

'Five.'

Remus dropped the sugar into the cup, stirring absently. His hand was shaking from the sheer need of cigarette, but he quelled it down.

'Remy?' Elphias watched Remus unsurely as he laid the tea and sandwiches on a tray. 'There was this Death Eater. I don' think he saw Mr. Black, but…but I think 'e was tryin' to 'elp us…sort of.'

Remus's head shot up and his eyes sharpened.

''E blasted the pipes on the bike 'xactly when Mr. Black transformed. I mean, it could 'ave been bad aim, but it looked deliberate to me eyes. I could be wrong.'

Remus remembered the Death Eater that had helped him and his father during their first attack. 'Did you see him, Elf?' he asked, his heart beating for the answer that was to come as he lay down the tray on the coffee table and sat down beside the boy. 'Did you see what he looked like?'

Elphias shook his head apologetically. 'They was wearing masks, Remy, I didn't see none o' them.' He bit into a sandwich, swallowing quickly. ''E was a bit short though, sorta round too, if you catch me drift.'

Remus frowned; it wasn't the same person. This meant that there was more than one Death Eater who was on their side. Who were they? Did they know of the Order, or were they already working for it? Dumbledore, for all his talk, was a secretive old man; perhaps, they were his spies? Or maybe…maybe they were regretting their decision; maybe they were under the Imperio and fighting it; maybe…there were too many maybes.

'Fuck,' Remus exclaimed, drinking his tea swiftly and scalding his tounge.

'I don' know wha' 'appened after that. The others came, an' Mr. Potter said to take Mr. Black to Mungo's. 'E said I wasn' to come back to fight wit' the others, an' that I was to not leave Mr. Black's side.'

Remus nodded. That sounded very much like something James would say. 'I need a favour from you, Elf, a very important favour. Is that okay?'

'Anythin', Remy,' Elphias replied sincerely, placing a hand over Remus's.

Remus smile uneasily. 'I need you to keep Sirius's Animagus a secret. He's unregistered and if someone found out, it would mean big trouble for him. You haven't told anyone, have you?'

Elphias shook his head vigorously.

Remus heaved a large sigh of relief, feeling a burden being taken off his shoulders. 'Thank you. Thank you so much, for everything.'

'You really love 'im, don' you?' Elphias asked suddenly, his hand enclosing tightly around Remus's as he looked at the werewolf with an unreadable expression.

Remus, taken aback at the forwardness of the question, simple blinked for a while. 'Yes, I do,' he replied, seeing no point in hiding or denying it.

Elphias nodded sadly, taking his hand off of Remus's. 'Then I'm very sorry for all the worry I caused you. I didn' me-'

'Elphias, will you shut up!' Remus snapped. 'The whole time you've been rambling about how everything's your fault and how sorry you are, when as far as I can see, you're not even at fault here. For God's sakes, if it weren't for you, Sirius wouldn't even be alive today.'

Elphias blinked rapidly, looking down at the carpet. 'You're the only one who thinks that, Remy. Everyone else-' Elf's voice cracked unexpectedly and he took a breath to steady himself. 'Everyone else says that it woulda never 'ave 'appened if someone else woulda been with Mr. Black. They say Dumbledore shoulda never have bough' a child like me in the first place.'

'They're just-'

'The Prewetts died, you know,' Elphias stated miserably, still not taking his eyes off the floor. 'In the fight, against five of 'em Death Eaters.'

Remus's body went rigid with shock. The Prewetts? The two brothers whom Remus and Sirius had always flirted with; always had fun with and laughed with? They were the two most brilliant fighters in the Order and the bravest as well. Remus felt a sudden sense of loss at their death and at the same time, a traitorous part of him was thankful that it wasn't James, or Lily, or Peter, or Sirius.

'They had a funeral yesterday.' Elphias sniffed. 'Mary – Marlene – said I wasn' to come 'cause Mrs. Weasley was real upset and it wouldn' 'ave done to have me there.'

Remus frowned, wondering why someone like Marlene, who had always been so kind back in school, would say something like that. Remus placed a comforting hand on the middle of Elphias's back. 'Look Elf-'

'I'm quittin', Remy.' Elphias said, and Remus was surprised to see large tears fall from his eyes. 'I'm quittin' the Order.' He wiped his nose on his sleeve. 'I didn' sign up for this...these killin's, an' these mindless fights. I'm not fit for it either, so I should just go back 'ome. I was better there 'neways.'

Remus rubbed Elphias's back comfortingly, feeling horribly sorry for the poor boy. 'Listen, hey, listen to me. You're just scared, Elf and its okay to be scared, but it's not okay to give up this easily. You saw that attack, right? You saw it, and this was only one of them. These people…these Death Eaters do this sort of thing everyday…they kill people for no reason, they cause trouble, they hurt people, only because they think they're higher than the rest of us.' Remus smiled kindly when Elphias looked up at him. 'They killed my father too, you know, and I gave up for a while…just like you.'

Elphias looked at him with teary, admiring eyes. 'But you came back?' he asked softly.

Remus smiled and slapped him lightly on the cheek. 'I came back.'

'Why?'

Why? Sometimes Remus asked himself the same question, and the answer was too complicated, too vast to put into simple words. So he said the next best thing: 'I found my own reasons to fight, and so will you…'

Suddenly, Elphias pulled Remus into a tight hug, sniffling lightly and rubbing his eyes on the cloth of Remus's shoulder. Remus patted his back awkwardly, not sure what else to do. 'Do I 'ave to find it now?' Elphias asked, his voice still small but gaining back a little of his characteristic cheek.

Remus laughed loudly, ruffling Elphias's hair. 'It'll come to you in time. Look, thank you for everything. I wish we could talk longer, but I promised Pron-James that I'd come back to the hospital. It's been a long time, and I haven't seen any of my friends properly.'

''S o'right. I got work; Mrs. Shuman only gave me a couple o' minutes break to visit Mr. Black. She'd be righ' furious if I don' get there soon.'

Remus disentangled from Elphias's prolonged hug. 'Be good, try not to shag her, eh?'

Elphias laughed but didn't comment any further as he straightened his scarf and cap. 'Ta, Remy,' he whispered, leaning forwards and pressing a swift kiss on Remus's cheek before walking out the door.

Remus watched the door close behind him, one surprised hand pressed to the cheek where Elphias had kissed him. He smiled and shook his head in exasperation. 'You'll never change.'

* * *

 

Sirius got out of the showers to find Remus sitting at the table, hunched over a pile of papers and scribbling at a furious rate. He was momentarily reminded of earlier years in Hogwarts just before a test. Sirius shook off the unexpected wave of nostalgia and walked over to his lover, looping both arms around his shoulders and kissing him on the cheek.

'Come to bed, Moony,' Sirius whispered against Remus's skin, trailing soft kisses down his jaw.

Remus met Sirius's lips briefly before going back to his writing. 'Did you take your potions?'

Sirius pouted. 'I had them after dinner in front of you, remember?'

Remus raised an eyebrow, surprised that Sirius was still awake. Dinner had been two hours ago; had he taken a nap in the bath?

Sirius nudged Remus's cheek insistently with his nose.

'Just give me five minutes, Padfoot. I'm nearly done.'

Sirius scowled, gently taking away Remus's quill from his hand and putting it away. 'No more work, Moony, you just came back.'

'Padfoot,' Remus protested weakly, one hair already tangling in Sirius's damp hair as the Animagus nibbled at his ear. 'Wait.'

'I missed you pathetic, you know.' Sirius whispered, one hand now snaking down to lift Remus's shirt in search of skin. 'You've become like a disease now…more than ever…like plague or somewhat.'

'Thank you for the compliment. I missed you too…just-' Sirius's hand went lower and Remus lost coherent speech for a while. It took all his strength to move Sirius's hand away from his crotch. 'Look, just go to bed and I'll be right along, I promise. I just need to-'

Sirius, disgruntled, removed his hands and occupied them in scanning through Remus's papers. 'What  _is_ all this?  _Daily Prophet, The Guardian, Telegraph, Mirror_ …what are you doing, Moony?'

Remus arranged the papers neatly in place. 'Research; I'm trying to see if I can find any werewolf sightings. Get a head start on my next mission. You wouldn't believe it, but these sort of things are more common in muggle tabloi-'

'You're going again?' Sirius asked, his face suddenly falling to an expression of disappointment and incredulity.

Remus nodded. 'Soon, yes; Dumbledore reckons the werewolves might join our side; they don't seem too keen with Voldemort anyway.'

Sirius looked at his disbelievingly, as if Remus had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. 'But you just came back, Moony! You can't go again!'

Remus frowned, turning in his chair to face Sirius properly. 'I'll be here for another month or so, Padfoot, and I'll only be gone for a couple of weeks. It's not that big a deal.'

'I-No, Moony,' Sirius said stubbornly, crossing his arms across his chest. 'I don't want you to go.'

Remus rolled his eyes in exasperation. 'You know I'm going to, Padfoot, no matter what you say.'

'I'm your lover, your best friend; surely my words hold some significance to you!' Sirius yelled, slamming the table with his fist angrily.

Remus sighed, taking Sirius's hands in his. 'Padfoot, this is my chance…this is what I've been wanting for so long…a chance to actually mean something.' He entwined their fingers, squeezing tightly, willing his lover to understand. 'Do you realise that everything I say could determine whether or not our forces can expand; that every word is influential.' He looked up into Sirius's defiant grey eyes. 'This is my chance to make my place in this war. No one else can do this.'

'What about me?' Sirius asked, in a small voice, tugging at Remus's hands lightly. 'What about what I want?'

'I thought you wanted to fight, Padfoot. I thought, if anyone, it would be you who would encourage me to go ahead and try my best.'

'I do,' Sirius replied, thoroughly conflicted, 'but I wanted to do it together…all of us…but you seem to be always getting ahead of yourself…moving away from us…from  _me._ '

Remus breathed deeply, pulling Sirius closer so that he stood between Remus's knees. 'Padfoot, I'm not going anywhere. Look, your internship's starting soon, too. You'll be off to some foreign country, fighting away your own battles. I'm not complaining; this is what we each have to do. And you'll be so busy then, you won't even notice I'm gone.'

Sirius looked away. 'I'd like you there when I come home…'

Remus looked at his lover searchingly, noting the way he avoided Remus's eyes, the way his jaw twitched periodically, and his grip on Remus's hands tightened then slackened. 'Sirius, that's not the real reason at all, is it? I can tell you're searching for excuses. What's this really about?'

Sirius shrugged, not denying Remus's accusation. 'It's nothing. I just wanted you here with me. It's not too much to ask, is it?'

Remus frowned thoughtfully. 'Are you scared I'll get hurt, is that it? I told you, Padfoot, these people; they're nothing like what you imagined. They're-'

'Considerate, and kind, and welcoming,' Sirius recited tiredly. 'I know. I still don't like them.'

'Padfoot, you're being irrational.' Remus wondered if those potions were making Sirius delusional or just plain stupid.

Sirius's eyes were ablaze as he looked up at Remus sharply. 'Tell me, Moony, do they understand you? Do they take care of you better; do they know how you feel and how horrible it is for you half the time? Are they-' He hesitated here, continuing in a softer tone. 'Are they your friends, your _equals_?'

Remus shook his head in bewilderment. 'I really don't understand what you're trying to say here.'

'They make you feel at home, don't they?' Sirius snorted. 'Like you belong somewhere?'

'I suppose,' Remus replied, still confused. 'Padfoot, you're being really weird and oh-' Remus stilled as comprehension finally dawned on to him. 'Oh. Oh my God, I can't believe you! You're jealous!'

'Am not!' Sirius defended, trying to dislodge Remus's firm grip on his hands.

Remus chuckled, whether out of relief or incredulity, he himself couldn't tell. 'You are; I can tell! You think I might find someone more like me and leave you for them, don't you?'

'No.' Sirius replied haughtily. 'No, I know you won't abandon me?' His answer came out more as a question than a statement, causing Remus to laugh even louder and pull Sirius on to his lap.

Remus kissed him soundly on the lips. 'You daft, insecure mutt, I can't believe you're more scared of me ditching you than me dying!'

'I don't want you to die either!' Sirius said, eyes wide with sincerity and shock of anything of the sort ever being suggested.

Remus smiled, stroking Sirius's hair out of his face affectionately and kissing him on the cheek.

'They're more suited to you than I am, Remus. They're just like you and no matter how hard I try, I can never see you the same way they do,' Sirius said miserably, resting his head against Remus's shoulder. 'I can never understand what you're going through.'

'I wouldn't want you to. It's horrible.'

Sirius snuffled against Remus's bare neck. 'They'd know that, wouldn't they? They'd know everything about you…all your desires, your wants, your needs…they'll know all of it. And then you'll realise you're better off with them instead of us, and-'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Padfoot, shut up right now before I hit you.'

'It can happen; I left my family to be with people who understood me. You can leave us for the same thing. You-'

'What's my most favourite thing in the world, Padfoot?' Remus interrupted.

Sirius looked up at the sudden change of subject. 'I don't know. Cock?'

Remus slapped his forehead. 'Never mind. What I was trying to say is that I'm happy the way we are right now. I'm happy with you, and Prongs, and Lily, and Wormtail.' He rested his hands in the small of Sirius's back, rubbing small circles with his thumb. 'The four of you mean everything to me, and I'd rather kill myself than willingly give you all up.'

Sirius smiled, apparently satisfied with Remus's answer, and rested his head back on his lover's shoulder. 'I love you,' he murmured softly.

Remus shook his head, only barely controlling his laughter should he fuel Sirius's volatile temper again. Sirius's prescribed potions seemed to enhance every aspect of Sirius's nature, especially the melodrama. 'You've been watching too many of those soaps, Padfoot. Getting sentimental over trivial things and dragging me along with you. Come on, take me to bed, you bloody nance.'

'Mm,' Sirius replied, rubbing his nose against Remus's neck and following it up with a kiss.

'And don't fall asleep on me.' Remus slapped Sirius lightly on the bum. 'Last time you dozed off mid coitus and I was left in the most uncomfortable position.'

'You try staying awake with that shit in your system,' Sirius replied, burying his nose into Remus's hair. 'Mm, smells nice.'

Luckily for Remus, Sirius kept his word and did not fall asleep halfway through sex. No, as the Gods of Irony would have it, he fell asleep before it, with Remus underneath him and still sitting on the chair. Apparently, the argument had cost valuable energy that could have been used in some mind blowing sex, or in Sirius's constantly exhausted state, some passable sex.

Remus sighed, frustrated and more than a little bit aroused. Tipping his head back in the chair, he looked heavenwards and cursed, 'You're having a laugh about this, aren't you, you sick bastard.'

It was just one of those days, Remus supposed, when he'd rather not question the sanity of this world and simply carry his lover to bed.

* * *

 

The great thing about New Year's Eve was that there were always special features on every channel. You could spend hours watching the telly and still never get bored because there was always something to watch, always something to entertain. For two bored boys like Remus and Sirius, the television was their only sanctuary.

So by six, when they'd run out of things to do around the house, the two of them had kipped on the sofa with the remote; Remus laying fully on his back with a little help from expansion charms, and Sirius on top of him, lower body resting between Remus's legs and his head pillowed by Remus's chest. The beer bottles were balanced precariously on the edge of the coffee table, practically begging to be tipped over.

They'd started their little TV marathon at six sharp with the two hour special of  _The Paul Daniels Magic Show_ , where the boys laughed themselves silly when the audience "oohed" and "aahhed" with wonder at the poor attempts at magic. Sirius had coined it as the best show yet, topping his previous ratings for  _The Young and the Restless._ They had then continued with  _The Muppet Show_ (completely upon Sirius's insistence; really!) _, Superstars, Coronation Street_ (where Sirius had a bit of a crush on Kevin Webster and was thoroughly disappointed when he wasn't featured in the episode) and so on and so forth.

'That still hurts, you know,' Sirius commented, when Remus's hand had strayed under Sirius's t-shirt to trace the large patch of unnaturally smooth flesh where the spell had hit.

'Was it fun getting it' Remus asked, his cool hand resting there and feeling oddly pleasant, 'running around in your motorbike and hexing everybody?'

'Yes,' Sirius admitted, 'but only up to the part when I thought I was going to die.'

The corner of Remus's mouth lifted. 'Did your life flash in front of your eyes, then?'

Sirius shook his head, looking slightly dejected. 'Not much, but I had a few thoughts here and there.'

'Well, that's a first.'

Sirius cuffed Remus up the head. 'I thought of how you'd be disappointed in me for going and doing something stupid after you explicitly told me not to.'

'Well, if it makes you feel any better, I personally don't think that plunging headfirst into danger while outnumbered infinity to one is stupid at all,' Remus reassured, resuming his stroking of Sirius's back.

Sirius smiled and wiggled a little to get comfortable. 'Thank you.'

'I think it's bloody idiotic.'

'And brave?' Sirius asked, looking up with wide, hopeful eyes.

'And stupid,' Remus deadpanned.

'Now you're just contradicting yourself!' Sirius exclaimed vehemently, getting up to sit on Remus's stomach.

Remus shrugged, grinning. 'I can't help it. Your idiocy is contagious.'

'Cruel, Moony, you are so cruel.' Sirius clutched at his heart, faking extreme pain. 'You wound me with your words, spearing and stabbing into my crippled form…'

Remus tugged at the waistband of Sirius's boxers. 'Should I kiss it better?'

'And then you bribe me with your sensuality. It's lowly, love, makes me feel like a slut,' Sirius kneeled closer so that his face was only inches apart from Remus's when he breathed the next few words, 'a cheap whore to your ministrations.'

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'I didn't think it was that much of a problem. From what I gathered,' he cupped Sirius crotch explanatorily. 'you seem to quite enjoy it.'

'That's not quite the point, is it? The point is…' Sirius lost his train of thought as Remus's hand did unspeakable things to him.

'Yes?' Remus asked, not bothering to stop and grinning cockily.

'Well, blimey…er…the point is, that my thought process is somewhat malnourished.' Sirius, with great reluctance and determination to win their little battle of wits, removed Remus's hands. 'Moony, be a lad and get me a sandwich, won't you?' He said offhandedly. 'Feed my hungry mind.'

Remus's brows furrowed and arms crossed over his chest. 'Get it yourself. I'm not your wife.'

'You would be if the fates were cruel enough,' Sirius murmured, loud enough for Remus to hear.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

Sirius shrugged. 'I'm just saying that if one of us were to be a woman in our next lives, it would be you.'

Remus glared daggers into his lover. 'Are you mental? Unless you haven't noticed it up your arse enough times, I have a bigger prick than you do!'

'Only because you're taller!' Sirius exclaimed, his genitals feeling very insulted and defensive. 'Look at your hair; long and silky, and always smelling like one shampoo or another.'

Remus sat up abruptly, throwing Sirius off the couch. 'It's called grooming, you bastard, but you wouldn't know, what with all the fleas you've got.'

'That was just once, you twat!' Sirius cried war as he pulled Remus down on the floor.

'Why you little-' Remus straddled Sirius's hips, pushing him down roughly on to the floor as he pinned the Animagus by his wrists. Sirius let out a howl of pain the instant his back collided with the floor, and Remus let go quickly, horrified and cursing himself for forgetting about Sirius's injuries. 'Fuck, Padfoot, mate, are you all right? Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-'

Sirius took the opportunity to flip them over, so that Remus was now underneath him with both his hands pinned to the side. 'You're too easy, Moony,' he commented, licking Remus's bottom lip.

Remus's mouth dropped open in shock. 'You arse! I nearly died there!'

'Care about me that much, do you?' Sirius asked, grinning and using one hand to caress Remus's jaw.

'Fuck, you stupid fuck, I'll kill you! I'll-' Remus freed both hands from Sirius's grip and did the one thing he knew would drive Sirius mad: he tickled him.

Sirius burst out laughing even before Remus's fingers touched his skin, rolling on the ground, clutching his stomach, and trying to shield himself from Remus's waggling fingers. ' _Ha ha_  – Moony, stop –  _ha ha_  –' He fell to his side, Remus still towering over him, tears now streaming down his face and breath coming out in laboured gasps. 'You know I'm ticklish there – oh god, stop –  _ha ha_  – I love you –  _he he_  – I worship you –'

'Oh for the love of Merlin, cut the foreplay and just shag already.'

Both Remus and Sirius got up so fast that their heads knocked together. Remus screamed 'Prongs!' the same time Sirius screamed 'Lily!', and both hastened to stand up and fix themselves. Sirius, whose boxers had ridden alarmingly low, blushed, grinned cheekily at Lily and hoisted them up. It was an odd thing really, how uncomfortable Sirius and Remus were to show affection even in front of their best friends, who had always approved of their relationship, encouraged it even. In fact, Sirius and Remus had never gone farther than holding hands or a chaste kiss on the cheek when around them.

'Odd though, James,' Lily said, a finger tapping her lip thoughtfully as she watched Remus and Sirius straighten up. 'For some reason, I always thought Sirius would be bigger of the two.' She angled her cheek for her customary greeting kisses from the boys.

'Nah,' said James, moving to embrace the pair in a one armed hug. 'Unfortunately, among the four of us, Remus remains the most blessed.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Yes, well, God felt sorry for my lycanthropy, so he gave me a large cock.'

'Amen.' Sirius grinned, patting Remus's stomach lightly and even Lily looked southwards appreciatively.

James smirked and rubbed his hands together. 'Well, get dressed; we're going out. I can't believe you lads walk around in that shit, flat or not.'

'What's wrong with what I'm wearing?' Sirius asked, grabbing a pair of jeans from under the sofa and slipping them on, much to Lily's disgust.

James eyed them pointedly; Sirius was wearing a pair of boxers and a scruffy t-shirt that James knew had belonged to Remus since fifth year, while Remus was in his socks and underpants with only a long sleeved Oxford covering his modesty or blessing, depending on the way you looked at it.

'Your shirt's got a rip on it in the elbow to start with. And Moony, put some frills on those pants and they look like the ones my grandma used to wear.'

Sirius snorted. 'Quite the fashionista, Prongs is. You'd think  _he_  was the ponce.' James threw Sirius's jacket at his face. 'Where we going, then?'

'It's New Year's Eve or have you forgotten?' Lily asked haughtily. 'We're having lunch together at that little café down the road. Wormtail's bringing a date, so the three of you need to behave. I don't want her frightened off of him even before they start.'

'Can't you give us an easier task, Lily darling?' James asked cheekily, earning a glare from his wife.

'Padfoot, put your scarf on. I don't care if it doesn't match with your leather jacket,' Remus admonished, as he pulled on a blue jumper and followed Lily and James outside.

Sirius almost grabbed for the keys to his bike before remembering that it was in the garage for repair.

'Hurry up, come on!'

'Keep your pants on!' Sirius grouched, locking the door behind him.

'What, my frilly, grandma ones?'

* * *

 

Remus slid Lily's soda across the table to her as he sat down on the stool beside hers. 'How have you been feeling, you know, with the baby and everything?'

'Putrid,' Lily replied, taking a generous swig from her can. 'James isn't letting me do anything around the house! It hasn't even been a month, and he's already driving me up the wall!'

'Well, that  _is_  the Marauders' first child,' Remus explained, 'it's bound to be overprotected. I'm surprised Padfoot hasn't hired a bodyguard for you yet.'

Lily groaned in annoyance. 'Don't give that man any ideas. It's bad enough having to stay home all the time.'

Remus put down his drink in surprise. 'Home? Prongs made you leave your job?'

'Ha!' Lily exclaimed defiantly. 'He wouldn't dare! They fired me.'

'What? Why? I always thought you'd flourish in Potion Brewing.'

'Oh, I did, but I'm muggle born, aren't I?' Lily replied bitterly. 'Bit of a hazard keeping me around with all those attacks going on. Voldemort might just decide he wants to kill me and come bounding into the lab.'

Remus chuckled. 'Somehow, I'm sensing a bout of déjà vu here. Don't take it to heart, Lily, I get it all the time. Only thing is, they're afraid I'd rip them apart before Voldemort has a chance to get to them.' He gulped down the last of his drink in one go, experiencing unwanted fizz up his nose. 'What did my ex-employer say again? Ah yes, a leopard never changes his spots, and a werewolf never decides to go vegetarian.'

'That's bullocks,' Lily snapped.

Remus smiled. 'No, it's true. I've got this unusual fetish for meat that drives Sirius insane.'

Lily hit him on the arm. 'Oh hush, you know that's not what I'm talking about.'

'Look, Lily, forget it,' Remus said, brushing her concern and sympathy off. He didn't like anyone pitying him, and he was more than used to being feared by people. 'I wanted to ask you some questions. Do you mind if we move away a bit while the others are still occupied?'

Lily glanced over Remus's shoulder where James and Sirius were harassing Peter's date, Patricia. Lily almost felt sorry for her; almost, but felt she deserved it. Throughout their conversation together, she'd been haughty, rude, and very annoying. In other words, she'd been a pure bred Slytherin and greatly appealed to the schoolboy-bully side of James and Sirius. For the first time in her life, Lily had let them be.

She looked back at Remus. Seeing his anxious face, she let him guide her to one of the more secluded tables. 'What's the matter?' Lily asked once they'd settled down.

'It's this thing that happened during my journey back home,' Remus whispered, leaning close to her so that the conversation remained between the two of them alone. 'I can't seem to explain it, and I've looked through tons of books, but there's nothing like it. It's this…' He waved his hands around, searching for the right word. '… _feeling_  I have when Padfoot's around?'

'What? Love?' Lily asked, grinning cheekily.

Remus's expression told her that the joke wasn't appreciated. 'Look, I don't know how to explain it because I don't get it myself. I-' He pursed his lips, wondering whether to continue or not. 'I had a heart attack on Christmas Eve. Or at least what felt like a heart attack, really. I'm nineteen; I don't think it's possible to have one at this age.'

Lily raised an unbelieving eyebrow. 'How do you mean?'

Remus sighed in frustration. 'Lily, I had a heart attack at around six to seven, do you understand what I'm saying?'

Lily looked confused. 'No, I don't think I do.'

'Padfoot… _Sirius_  was attacked around the same time and if my assumptions are right, then that Avada Kedavra spell hit him exactly the same time I collapsed.'

'Collapsed? Remus, are you sure?' Lily looked at him skeptically. 'I mean, look, everyone feels that little twinge of worry about the people they love. It's a sort of instinct that we've learned to ignore over the years, you know, but I swear every time James gets into trouble, it's like an alarm goes off in my head. Same with my mum…she always knew if we were lying, or something was wrong.'

'I don't think so,' Remus replied confidently. 'No.'

'Maybe your instinct's stronger because you're a werewolf,' Lily tried as an explanation. 'I mean, your magic is entirely different from ours, isn't it?'

'No, look, it's not that simple. I just-' Remus clutched at his chest, mouth moving but not finding the right words to convey his message. 'Sirius feels it, too. At first, I thought it was only me, but when I came to the hospital to see him, he told me he knew I was coming.'

'Sirius was drugged, Remus, he-'

'He knew before he was drugged,' Remus insisted, putting his hands down on the table. 'He put up a fight because he wanted to see me. He  _knew_ , Lily, and I have no idea how.'

Lily didn't see how he could have; the mere idea was ridiculous. 'It's just intuition, Remus. When you love a person hard enough, you generally become tied to them. Like an invisible bond that keeps you linked together, do you see?'

Remus looked unconvinced. 'The  _pain_ , Lily; how do you explain that? I thought I was going to  _die_ , it was that fucking intense. I've never had an episode like that. I mean, with Padfoot, it's always been there.' He rested his head on his hands, massaging his temples slightly. 'The sixth sense that you've talked about: you know, being able to feel when someone's around or distressed. That's all right; my parents did it too sometimes. But this, this is impossible, isn't it?'

Lily looked down at her hands thoughtfully, trying to find some kind of explanation for such behaviour. Anything that might point out a reason to what was happening. To be honest, she had never heard of such a thing, and she still doubted Remus had interpreted what he was feeling right. Still, the werewolf was rarely ever wrong.

'Remus,' she tried finally, placing a worrying hand over his, 'this may seem like a stupid question, but have you and Sirius ever done an Unbreakable Vow? You know, maybe a fun experiment when you're drunk or something of that sort?'

'What?' Remus made a face. 'No, we know better than to try things like that.'

'I'm just saying…it just sounds a lot like it.'

Remus shook his head. 'No, Unbreakables are different. The composition is different; you don't feel your partner's pain or presence. You're just obliged to them by a pact of death.' He spoke with the confidence of a man who had studied too much and too hard for his NEWTS. 'Nothing would happen if one of them dies; as long as it's out of the contractual promise, your life's yours to keep.'

'Do you think you would have  _died,'_ Lily asked nervously, 'if Sirius had the other night?' She didn't like the idea of it. If this thing that Remus was experiencing was true, she understood that it could do more harm than good.

'No, no, I don't think so.' Remus ran a hand through his hair, brushing his too long fringe out of his eyes. 'I'd have felt it probably, shared some of the pain, but I think it's more of a mental connection than a physical one, do you see?'

Lily frowned. 'So what you're trying to say is that as long as this bond – friendship or love -between you and Sirius remains strong on both sides, your connection to him remains intact, like an alarm or maybe a shared soul?'

Remus laughed weakly. 'I don't know what I'm saying. I've never come across something like this before, and you make it sound disgustingly romantic.'

Lily smiled. 'I'll look it up for you in the library or something. James' dad has some good books, restricted books; maybe I'll find something there.'

Remus nodded, pecking her lightly on the cheek. 'I owe you, then.'

'You know, you and Sirius never cease to surprise me.'

'Oh, I know,' Remus said, grinning widely. 'Sometimes I find myself flat on my back in shock.'

'Are you sure that's not Padfoot trying to suck you off, Moony,' James asked, joining their conversation and slinging an arm over Remus.

Remus's face went an unnatural shade of red.

'Don't be crude James,' Lily admonished, to which James simply smirked and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

'So what have you two been doing alone? Chatting up my wife, were you, Moony?' James joked, punching Remus lightly in the jaw.

'You know me, Prongs, always the Casanova.'

'Who's this other Casanova I hear about?' Sirius asked, popping in from behind Lily and resting his chin on her shoulder. 'Is he available? What's his number?'

'Are you done annoying Patricia, then?' Lily asked, giving Sirius's nose a squeeze.

'She got boring,' James said airily. 'One can only stand her voice for so long.'

'And she has a limited vocabulary, too,' Sirius continued. 'She only ever says one thing.'

'Well, I never!' Sirius and James chorused in high pitched voices before bursting into laughter.

'Hush, she'll hear you,' Lily scolded. 'You can at least try to be nice to her, for Peter's sake.'

'Psh,' Sirius waved it off. ''Moony, Wormtail's booking a pool table for us. Fancy being my partner or do you want to find your feminine side and continue talking to Lily about makeup?'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Padfoot, neither you nor James know  _how_ to play pool.'

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. 'It's a game of sticks and balls; I think I'm familiar with the general concepts.' He winked cheekily at Remus and blew a kiss. 'Besides, I gather you're quite the expert?'

'Lily, you don't mind being stuck with Patricia for a while, do you?' James asked, a hand on Lily's cheek; his tone suddenly changing from young prankster to doting husband. 'It's only for a little while, the boys and I'll only play one game.'

'He makes you sick, doesn't he?' Sirius stated, disgusted at the display of affection.

'Enormously,' Remus finished, standing up.

Lily stuck up two fingers. 'I'll be fine, love. You boys go ahead and have some fun. I'll deal with her.'

Quarter to twelve, Lily was exhausted and quite frankly, annoyed of being nice to Patricia and listening to her wondrously boring tales of how rich her family is, how they believed in pureblood heritage, etcetera, etcetera, with grated, mouldy cheese on top. Occasionally, she'd overhear fragments of the boys' conversations and laugh out loud, quickly apologising when Patricia looked at her oddly.

Funniest of all seemed to be Remus and Sirius, whose dynamics she'd never quite noticed until tonight's conversation with Remus. They really were quite close and no matter how much they tried to hide it, their relationship was more than obvious to the watchful eye. It was lovely the way they contrasted each other and melded together like pieces of a puzzle. To Lily, what made Remus and Sirius's relationship truly unique was that they were just two best friends living together in the end: they took care of each other; fought as fiercely as they loved; helped and supported each other through troubled times; and teased each other mercilessly.

Lily watched Remus struggle to teach James and Sirius how to hit at the right angle. Sirius was being insufferable on purpose, she could tell, and it was probably just to rile Remus up. She laughed aloud when Sirius asked Remus if he was 'sure the sticks weren't meant to go into the holes instead'.

'They're rather close, aren't they?' Patricia commented, looking at the boys in disgust. 'Practically queer.'

'James!' Lily called out in a sickly sweet voice, fed up with the snotty woman beside her. 'Come here for a second, won't you, hun?'

James looked at her questioningly but jogged up to where his wife was sitting. 'What's wrong?'

'Let's all of us get out of here,' she whispered so that Patricia couldn't overhear.

'Why? The party doesn't start till twelve!' James gestured to the slowly gathering crowd around the television, all waiting for the countdown to start. 'I thought you wanted to dance later?'

Lily shook her head. 'We'll kip some place quiet and watch the fireworks instead. Doesn't that sound romantic?' She rubbed his arms lovingly.

James's resolve was already weakening. 'Yeah, but-'

'James,' Lily sighed, looking pointedly forwards.

James followed her gaze to the pool table where Remus had bent down to pick up one of the balls, (which Sirius had "accidentally" hit too hard and dropped) his arse facing one of the side pockets. Sirius took the opportunity to hit a perfect shot, exclaiming 'balls deeps, eh, Moony!' as the last yellow ball and the eight ball rolled into the corresponding pocket.

James groaned. 'He's going to get us thrown out, I just know it. He's been making bad innuendos at Moony all night.'

Lily laughed softly. 'I think it's a bit cute, actually.'

'I think it's mental. Moony says it's those potions he's been taking. I say he's just using that bit as an excuse to do whatever he wants.'

'Sirius is just trying to be with Remus the best way he can, James. I mean, it's New Year's Eve. It's not fair to them if everyone else has a date and they supposedly don't. I really want to take them someplace where they can be themselves with us.'

'You spoil them' James replied, but there was a hint of adoration in his voice. 'Well, if that's what you want…fake pain.'

Lily blinked in confusion. 'What?'

'Pretend you're having pregnancy pains. We can ditch Patricia and Wormtail that way, and ask Remus and Sirius to help.'

Lily immediately let out a cry of agony, clutching her stomach.

* * *

 

'I can't believe you did that!' Sirius yelled as the four of them ran across the street, hand in hand, ignoring the outraged cries of " _hooligans!"_ ,  _"bloody teenagers",_ and the loud honking of cars. 'You sneaky bitch, you had me and Remus worried for a minute there!'

Lily laughed as she pulled them into an alley. 'It was all James's idea. You can beat him up later for it!'

'Lily wanted the four of us to watch the fireworks at midnight!' James cried out in defence as Remus and Sirius glared at him.

'Fireworks!' Remus screeched, whether out of anger or because he'd run into a stray garbage can, one could never tell. 'You did all that to watch fucking fireworks? Are you completely, absolutely mental?'

'James, you take Sirius, and I'll take Remus,' Lily ordered, as they met a dead end.

'Wait, where are you taking us?' Remus cried out as Lily grabbed him by the arm and apparated to-

'Godric's Hollow,' James presented, spreading his arms wide.

Sirius and Remus watched awe struck at the wide expanse of field and flowers. You could barely make out the outline of the small suburban neighbourhoods from this distance, glowing brightly from all the Christmas decorations. The area they had apparated in was still relatively empty, the nearest house around twenty kilometers away and the only source of light being the fireflies that roamed beside their feet.

Lily breathed contently and flopped down on the ground. 'Lovely, isn't it?'

'I've never been here before,' Sirius said, sitting down as well. 'Mother didn't approve of it much. Said it was filled with Mudbloods and Muggle lovers.'

'Lily and I are planning to buy a house here once the baby is born, to give it a nice magical environment,' James said quietly. 'We're not sure yet, but if we win the Quidditch finals this year, I might actually have enough money to do it.'

'Wow,' Remus whispered, as Sirius's head rested on his shoulder.

Fireworks erupted into the night sky with a great  _'bang'_  as the clock struck twelve in the middle of the street, and the four of them watched the array of different colours shoot across the sky in mysterious patterns. It felt wonderful to be here, to still be alive; and Lily felt a pang of sorrow for the Prewett brothers. Silently, she wondered if this war would ever end; if one day, all of this would be talked about only in history books and novels. She looked up at the sky again, cooing as the words  _'Happy New Year'_  spelled out in front of them in sync with the last chime of the clock.

Dutifully, Lily turned away from Remus and Sirius, looking into her husband's brilliant hazel eyes and smiling softly. She kissed him, wrapping her arms around him in an affectionate embrace. 'I love you,' she said quietly and knew somewhere beside them, there was an echo of the same declaration.

It was the beginning of a new era and they were set out to change the world.

* * *

 


	37. Carry You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**February, 1980** _

Remus looked at the crowd of werewolves gathering in a circle, looks of suspicion and curiosity aimed towards him. They had given him a chance to speak, and he wanted to make sure he did it right because so far, this was the biggest werewolf colony he had come across. Remus had purposefully tied his hair so as to reveal his registry code and his age old scar, making sure that they knew he was not ashamed of who he was. He needed to gain their confidence, to be respected by appearance alone.

'I come to you tonight on behalf of Dumbledore, but let me say beforehand that my message speaks to all of you,' Remus started, radiating confidence that would have the Marauders in awe. 'As you know, Voldemort's power is rising steadily and there have been mass murders all over Europe. Among many others, werewolves are also being blamed for the various attacks that are taking place. Whether these allegations are true or just rumours, I cannot tell you. What I can confirm is that our kind is being blamed and killed for it.' He paused, waiting for their mixed reactions, watching for the expected outrage, pity, defiance, among any others.

'Newspapers are raging over the Ministry's triumphs over werewolves; hundreds of our brothers are being hunted and killed like animals as we speak. It's time, my friends, to inflict a change upon the human mind, to deem ourselves as equal. It's time we  _fight_!'

There was a snort of derision from the man in front – their pack leader, Shikoh. 'Fight? How much harm can the likes of us do? Look at us,' he said, gesturing to the many werewolves around them. 'We live in an abandoned house, confined by our own fears of being found out and hunted. We can barely take care of ourselves.'

Remus shook his head in pity and remorse. 'You underestimate your power. We've been given strength no normal human being can ever possess, endurance borne from our transformations every month, a brand of magic that wizards can only hope to achieve. Yet, we hide it?'

For only a second, Remus thought he saw a familiar face between the crowds and faltered his words from the shock of what he might be seeing. But the face disappeared almost as quickly as it had come, and Remus shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. Perhaps the long hike was taking a toll on him?

Remus wiped the sweat of his brow and continued, 'We hide our strengths from the world, from Voldemort, from everyone. Dumbledore calls to you, my brothers; he's giving you a chance to prove yourself. He's giving you a chance to fight against what's wrong and bring down the abomination that comes in the face of Voldemort.' Remus knew that his hatred for Voldemort was showing now; he had never felt this passionate about any speech he'd given and he hoped that they could see what he was trying to tell them. He hoped that this mission, like all the others, would not be a failure.

Remus took a deep breath, his conclusion already forming in his head as he spoke loud and clear: 'I, Remus Lupin, come to you with an opportunity to finally lead lives that we rightfully deserve! I-'

There was a collective gasp from the crowd and hurried mutterings that cut off Remus's next words. They sounded angry, in fact; many of them now shooting murderous glares towards him and looking at him as if he'd said something horrifying. Remus stared at them in surprise and suddenly at a loss for words; he wasn't expecting a reaction this violent. He definitely wasn't expecting them to be angry.

Remus tentatively stepped towards Shikoh, wanting to ask what he'd done wrong, to ask their final verdict. He had hardly made two steps towards the leader when he was hit hard on the side of his face, sending him flying towards the floor, blood splattering across the stone.

* * *

 

'We'd like our orders  _today_  please,' Lily snapped at the waitress who seemed entirely involved in staring at Sirius to even notice her. Sirius, for his part, seemed to be enjoying the attention, giving the waitress an indulgent smile before she left. 'I should tell Remus to keep you on a tighter leash. Honestly, Sirius, do you have to flirt with every single woman that so much as looks at you?'

Sirius shrugged, leaning back in his chair. 'Well, they're all staring. What else am I supposed to do? Besides, I wasn't flirting. She came to me. Anyway, my Moony knows I only have eyes for him.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'What are you getting  _your Moony_  for next Wednesday then?'

Sirius raised an eyebrow. 'Why? Is it his birthday? No wait, that's in March. Is it the day he's coming back from that stupid mission? Because we usually just shag each other then.'

Lily wasn't sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry. 'It's Valentine's next Wednesday. Isn't there some kind of elaborate gift that you've planned out for him?'

Sirius frowned. 'Why? I've never given him anything before.'

Lily took deep, calming breaths. Anger wasn't a good approach for thickheaded pillocks like Sirius Black. 'Look, don't try to reason it, yeah? I want you to buy Remus something romantic for Valentine's that makes him feel special and loved. Take him to dinner, wine, music, whatever, you do it, am I understood?'

'But-'

Lily cut off Sirius's protests with a stern look. 'Am I understood?'

Sirius gave her a mock salute. 'Yes, ma'am.' He made place for the waitress to put their food on the table, giving her one last flirtatious smirk. 'So, are you going to tell me why you decided to have breakfast with me all of a sudden?'

'I had a craving for chocolate ice cream and James is at practice. You were the only one who could take me,' Lily replied, swallowing a spoonful of ice cream greedily. 'Also, mother just dropped off my first pregnancy test report. I was supposed to get them earlier, but there was a massive confusion. Apparently, there are a lot of Potters in the world. I'm a bit nervous to open them myself, you know.'

Sirius scowled in distaste. 'I still don't know why your family insists visiting those muggle hospitals. Mungo's has the most qualified healers in the world and they should be trusted when they say everything's fine. You don't see our healers sticking pins and needles into people, do you? I swear, if my Godchild is born with a hole in its face…'

'Sod off, Sirius. This hospital happens to be the finest of its kind. It's the same place Petunia's going to, you know.' When she noticed that Sirius wasn't quite eating his ice cream, she grabbed a spoonful of his and helped herself. 'They have the sex of the child in the report; Mum asked them to include it.'

Sirius looked at her with renewed interest. 'What do you want? Have you decided?'

Lily shook her head. 'James says it doesn't matter as long as it has his Quidditch skills.'

Sirius laughed, head thrown back. 'The conceited bastard. Go on, open it then. Let's see what it is.'

Lily swallowed, nodding. Hesitantly, she opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper that would determine everything about the baby – health, life, sex…Sirius could feel his skin prickling with excitement. Unable to contain his excitement, he jiggled his foot impatiently as he watched Lily's eyes scan the paper, the smile on her face growing wider by the minute.

'Everything's fine,' she said finally, 'it's a girl!'

Sirius jumped out of his chair with joy, doing a little happy dance and causing everyone in the shop to stare at him as if he had gone mad. 'It's a girl! It's a girl!' he sang to the small flabbergastered audience he'd gathered.

Lily smiled at them weakly, face flushed with embarrassment. 'It's his first time as a Godfather,' she explained. The crowd nodded at her understandingly and turned away. A few of them even congratulated her. 'Sirius Black, if you don't sit down right now, I'll chop your legs off.'

Sirius sat down, breathless and grinning with joy. 'Lily, it'll be the Marauder's little girl, after you of course,' he reassured. 'But what do you want as a baby present? Pink frocks, tutus? Oh, Remus and I saw this advertisement on TV the other day that said  _Sweet Love_  was something every girl should have. I'm not sure what is yet, but Remus says it might be lip gloss!'

Lily groaned.

'And then I have to attach a baby seat on the bike and those new baby broomsticks are just-' Sirius suddenly shuddered violently in his seat, his ramblings coming to an abrupt halt.

Lily looked up at him with concern. 'Sirius, are you okay?'

Sirius blinked, frowning slightly. He looked a little pale to Lily all of a sudden and she put a hand over his. 'I'm fine,' he said, swallowing heavily. 'Must have been something I ate.' He smiled at her reassuringly. 'So, where were we?'

* * *

 

Remus didn't want to get up. No, that was not it; Remus couldn't get up. He had never felt this sick his entire life. His whole body felt like it was on fire, and he prayed he would pass out again sometime because the pain felt worse than a hundred transformations.  _He didn't know where he was._  He didn't know where he was and what he was doing and how he'd ended up here and why, why this searing pain wouldn't stop.

Someone rolled Remus on to his back and he cried out in pain, curling up into a tight ball. 'Remus, wake up!' Whoever it was sounded a lot like a mouse or a squirrel maybe, or it could just be Remus's ears ringing. 'Remus! Damn it, Claw, give me the antidote!'

Remus only had time to question the name 'Claw' when a hand pried open his mouth and poured bitter liquid down his throat. His gag reflex shot up almost instantaneously, but a strong hand kept his mouth close, forcing him to swallow every drop. He could feel the fluid moving down his throat, warm and bitter, but oddly soothing as it lessened the agonizing pain to something bearable.

Remus opened his eyes, wanting to thank whoever it was and was met by familiar strawberry blond hair. 'Rubel?' He blinked his eyes quickly, willing his vision to clear and confirm that none of this was a figment of his imagination. 'Rubel! It  _is_  you! I thought I was just hallucinating when I saw you in the camp! You're alive!' Remus said this all in one excited whisper and ended up in a coughing fit by the end of it.

'Rubel,' another voice said sternly and only then did Remus notice another presence in the room, presumably the one called Claw. He didn't look much like a Claw, to be honest. He was older, nearly Remus's age and looked almost meek with his scraggly blond hair, warm brown eyes, and petite facial features. 'Rubel, if you plan on doing this, we need to hurry. There isn't much time till the others wake.'

Rubel nodded, extending a hand towards Remus to help him up. Remus took it, getting unsteadily to his feet and nearly falling to the floor again before being caught by Claw.

'You've been poisoned with silver,' Claw explained as he forced Remus to walk, pushing him and pulling him like a ragdoll.  _Silver._  For some reason, the knowledge did nothing for Remus's already ailing health. In fact, the realisation made Remus's guts lurch and his insides twist to create the most nauseous feeling. _Silver_. He tried to distract himself by looking elsewhere and for the first time, noticed his surroundings.

They was in a dank and dusty cellar, floor coated in numerous places by algae and other fungi that he really couldn't name. All he knew was that it smelled horrible, like rotting carcass and that it was amazing how he had never actually noticed it through all his pain.

'We've given you the antidote, but we need to get you out of here before it takes full effect and makes you too weak. We need time to stage a break out,' Claw explained further as he almost bodily dragged Remus out of the door, making him stumble and trip over his feet. Vaguely, through all the information, Remus registered that Claw was deceptively strong.

'Why?' Remus asked, surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded. 'Why did they poison me? I didn't do anything.'

Claw snorted as if he didn't believe in Remus the slightest. 'That's what Rubel says as well. That you're innocent, that you're not the reason half of us are orphans or homeless right now.'

Remus blinked, not quite understanding. He was about to question Claw when Rubel spoke for the first time, grabbing Remus's hand tightly. 'He is! I told you, Claw! Why won't you believe me?' he asked, his voice cracking through his anger.

'I trust you, Rubel, that's why I agreed to help,' Claw replied stiffly. He leaned Remus against the wall as he checked the hallways for any passer-bys. 'But none of the outsiders knew of our camp except him, so I see no one else to blame except Lupin for the fire.'

Remus closed his eyes as another bout of nausea overwhelmed his senses. 'I didn't do it,' he forced out, looking Rubel in the eyes, willing the boy to believe him. He didn't know why it was important for a seven year old boy to believe in his innocence, but it was. 'I know you don't believe me, but Greyback was using you. He was using all of us to aid Voldemort. Nothing else.'

Rubel nodded. 'We'll take you home, Remus,' he said, smiling slowly and tugging at Remus's hands like an impatient child. 'Claw was a wizard once; he knows how to apparate. There's a patch not far from here that isn't covered by any shields.'

'Come with me,' Remus breathed. 'I searched for you after the fire, but they told me you were dead. I could give you a home.'

Claw laughed silently, shaking his head. Rubel, on the other hand, looked at him longingly. 'I-I can't,' he stuttered sadly. 'I-My pack brother – Claw – he's here and he takes care of me. He saved me and I won't leave him.'

Claw's hold on Remus's shoulder tightened painfully. 'We don't have a place among wizards, Lupin. Don't delusion the child with such ridiculous ideas.'

'Dumbledore let me in; you're no different,' Remus reasoned as he was dragged to a nearby wall and held against it.

'You – my scent is different,' Rubel replied sadly. 'Not like yours. It's not nice…or pure, like yours.'

'Rubel-'

'Tell us where you live,' Rubel interrupted, his voice sounding unusually strong for a child his age. 'Claw will apparate you there.'

'No,' Remus protested weakly, feeling helpless in his situation both physically and emotionally. Yet, even through his dizziness and distress, he had enough presence of mind not to give away his location. If these werewolves decided to ever turn against him then Sirius's life would be at risk, and Remus wouldn't have it. 'No, just apparate me to the city. I'll manage from there.'

'Remus, you'll pass out mid way. Let Claw take you!' Rubel whispered urgently, squeezing Remus's hand so tightly, it hurt. 'Please!'

''No! The more time you waste, the harder it will be to slip me out!' Remus rested his cheek against the wall, letting the cool stone soothe the migraine that he could feel coming on. 'I'm getting weaker by the second and if you don't hurry, they'll find you out.'

Rubel and Claw both looked at each other; Rubel looked hesitant to let go, but Claw never gave him a chance to protest as he grabbed Remus's upper arm and instantly apparated them to London. Remus had no idea where he was and didn't even have the strength to ask Claw as he disapparated. It was too dark to make out any of the street signs, and Remus's blurring vision and fading mind was proving it even harder for him to walk two steps without stumbling and falling over.

From far away, he could make out the bright yellow sign of a taxi coming his way and he quickly stuck his arm out. The rest of the trip was a complete blur for Remus. He wasn't even sure if he'd said the right address. Remus was sure he'd passed out a number of times because he couldn't remember any part of the taxi ride, or even remember giving the driver any money as he staggered out of the car. He wasn't even sure what sort of power guided him up the stairs to their flat because it definitely wasn't his mind and it didn't feel like his legs, because he'd collapsed as soon as he reached their room, beside their bed.

'Padfoot,' Remus called, his throat hurt with every syllable. He wished he could just sleep, but he knew things would be a lot worse if he did. 'Sirius…'

Sirius scrunched up his face, facing away from Remus. 'Mm, Moony, not now; I'm tired.'

'Sirius, wake up, I-' Remus broke into a wracking cough, blood spitting into his hands and the floor. He tried to stop it, control it, but the harder he tried, the worse it got.

"Moony? You're back?' Sirius sat up immediately, his hand going reflexively to his wand and casting a quick  _Lumos!_ 'Remus, wha- _fucking hell!_ ' Sirius gasped, jumping out of the bed to Remus's side. 'What happened? What's all this?'

Remus could hear Sirius's breathing quicken from panic and he put a shaky hand upon Sirius's shoulder for reassurance. 'Calm down, I'm fine.' The sentiment was lost when Remus retched all over the floor, a mixture of food and bile and blood and even hints of silver.

'Oh, Merlin, oh shit, we need to go to Mungo's. We need to – fuck, I need to get your papers. They're in the cupboard, I'll just-'

Remus caught Sirius by the sleeve. 'No – not Mungo's –' He panted out, every word costing him a lot of energy. He swallowed thickly, trying to quell down the pain in his throat and his guts and every other inch of his body. 'It's silver – I got the antidote – its working-'

Sirius looked about to faint and he cradled Remus's head protectively. 'Silver? How? Who did this to you?'

'Mum - I need mum…'

'Remus, this is no time to be asking for your mother. We can hurry to the hospital; I can get you under a healer in five seconds. Fucking hell;  _silver!_ '

'No one should know - mum can help,' Remus insisted, wanting to explain why and how, but unable to find the strength to do so. He looked at Sirius blearily, willing him to understand and not waste time asking questions.

Sirius looked hesitant for a minute and Remus was sure things were going to go horribly wrong. He was preparing to give up hope of Sirius listening, letting his eyes close and surrendering to the darkness that was beginning to take over the corner of his eyes. However, his eyelids jolted open when he felt the familiar pull of apparition and the discomfort of a badly casted levitation charm as Sirius jogged them towards the Lupin Cottage and banged the door frantically.

'Mrs. Lupin, open the door! It's me, Sirius!

The door creaked open and Remus felt himself being forcefully pushed inside, the levitation charm gone and only Sirius's weight supporting him up the stairs to a place that smelled very familiar – his old bedroom.

'Sirius, what happened? What's wrong with Remus?'

Remus was mostly hearing sounds now; his eyes had rolled to the back of his head, occasionally gracing him with the blurry figures of a distraught looking Sirius and his mother. He wished he could speak to them, explain everything and reassure them that everything was fine. He wanted to tell them that he would be okay now that his mother was here because she knew what to do to reduce the pain and make him heal even faster. Unfortunately, his throat had given up functioning a long time ago.

'Silver poisoning. He said he got the antidote, but god, he's a mess. He's bleeding and vomiting, and I have no idea what he wants, but he said you did. Help him, please,  _please_.'

'If he's vomiting, it's a good sign. It means the antidote is working. Summon a bag with your wand. It's blue with medicine in it; it's in my bedroom. Quickly.'

'Wait, these are potions. How do I know you're using the right thing? You're muggle; you could be poisoning him.'

'I know how to take care of my son, Sirius; he went through the same thing during his registry tattoo. Look, he's going to break into a fever, so I need you to get a thermometer so that I can curb it before it gets fatal.'

'What's a ther-'

'Blue tube, bathroom cabinet, now go!'

Remus was made to swallow some sort of burning liquid that agitated his throat even further, making him scream silently. Tears streamed down his eyes, and he groped blindly for his mother out of instinct, seeking her and wanting her to be there.

Del grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers together. 'Remus, don't panic, do you hear me? Do not panic.'

Remus wasn't sure if he nodded or not. He had definitely intended to, but his mind and body seemed to be entirely unhinged and uncoordinated.  _Do not panic_ , he told himself, wondering if his eyes were open or closed now.  _Do not panic. Do not panic. Do not panic._  Keeping that mantra in his head, Remus let out a deep breath and fell out of consciousness.

* * *

 

Sirius woke up, feeling utterly miserable and grumpy from having his sleep interrupted. He couldn't quite place what it was exactly that awoke him, but as he turned to his side, he resolved to find whatever it was and bludgeon it. Blindly, he reached for the familiar warmth of Remus beside him.

It was when his tired brain finally registered that he was reaching for empty space that Sirius's eyes snapped open. 'Moony.' Sirius got up, blinking rapidly and suddenly, his entire body was aware of everything around him. The unfamiliarity of the room despite having spent quite a few childhood summers here; the cold that was settling deep into his bones and making his teeth chatter, the wind whistling through the crack in the bedroom window, and the muffled sounds of someone having a row nearby. Sirius rightly guessed that that must have been why he'd woken up so abruptly.

The row was getting louder now and though Sirius couldn't exactly understand the words being exchanged, he recognised Remus's voice instantly. He assumed the other female voice was Mrs. Lupin's.

For a while, Sirius just lay there, not wanting to move from his comfortable position on the bed and walk out into the cold; but curiosity finally got the better part of him and forced him to sit up. He shivered, wrapping the blanket around himself tightly and slipping on a pair of sandals that were probably Remus's since Sirius himself had come barefoot.

'Remus, will you please just listen to me?'

Sirius peered in through a crack in Mrs. Lupin's bedroom door quietly, not wanting to be caught spying on a heated moment. He couldn't quite see where Remus's mother was, but he spotted his lover immediately, pacing back and forth like a prowling tiger. Vaguely, Sirius wondered if it was healthy for him to expend so much energy after last night's ordeal.

'I don't understand why you have to bring this topic up every time I come, mum!' Remus ran a hand through his hair, moving his fringe out of his eyes. 'Why can't you just leave it alone and accept it?'

'Everything about you has always been acceptance, Remus!' Sirius could hear Mrs. Lupin scream from somewhere in the room. 'I accepted you wanted to be a wizard, I accepted you were a werewolf without any hesitation, I accepted you were gay, I accepted you were in love with Sirius; but I will  _not_  accept you coming at my doorstep half dead! I will not, Remus!'

'It was a mistake!' Remus snapped, turning so that Sirius couldn't see his face anymore. 'They didn't mean it!'

There was a sound of something crashing to the floor, and Sirius finally understood where Remus got his rare but violent bursts of anger from. It was the first time he'd ever seen Mrs. Lupin this angry. 'Accidentally stepping on someone's toe is a mistake! Pouring that much silver into your blood is not!'

'I-'

'I don't even know why I bother arguing with you anymore, Remus. You've never listened to me and you're going to get yourself killed regardless of what I say. You're turning out just like your father.'

'Well, that's the problem, isn't it?' Remus asked in a broken voice, and Sirius had only seconds to move into the shadows before Remus stormed out of the room in anger.

As he watched Remus run down the stairs two at a time, clearly distressed and angry, Sirius wondered if he should go after his lover. It would mean revealing that he had been listening in and for some reason, the thought didn't seem very appealing to him. He heard a muffled sob from inside the room and went inside, feeling incredibly awkward and aware of his limbs as he watched Mrs. Lupin cry into her hands.

'Are you okay, Mrs. Lupin?' It was the stupidest question Sirius could ever ask; clearly she was anything but "okay".

Mrs. Lupin looked up and smiled feebly. 'I'm fine, Sirius. I'm sorry you had to see all that.'

Sirius shrugged, looking down at his feet. 'I wasn't here for very long. I didn't really mean to eavesdrop.'

'It's alright, love,' she replied, wiping her eyes.

'I'm really sorry,' he offered, feeling utterly useless, 'for everything.'

Mrs. Lupin shook her head. 'It's not your fault, Sirius. Do me a favour and go after him for me, will you? Make sure he doesn't get hurt.'

Sirius nodded. 'Yes, ma'am.'

Sirius didn't bother running blindly after Remus; he knew Remus would have nowhere to run to except to their apartment back in London. So, Sirius simply got off the Lupin premises and apparated there instantly.

'Moony, are you-' Sirius didn't even have time to adjust to the dizziness that came from apparating too fast when he felt his back collide hard with the wall and his mouth get caught up in the most brutal kiss that Remus had ever given him. Sirius's hands scrabbled to Remus's chest trying to push him off, but in vain. Remus was pinning him with his entire body, one restraining hand on Sirius's shoulder and the other on the small of his back, keeping him effectively locked in position.

'Remus, get off me-' It was when Remus's hands slipped past Sirius's pyjama bottoms that Sirius gathered enough strength to push him off. 'What the fuck are you doing?' Sirius cried, feeling blood and adrenaline pulsing and pounding in his head from the unspeakable fury he was feeling. It angered him even more when Remus looked at him with a dumbfounded expression. 'Never do that again, Remus! Never!'

'I-'

'Don't use my affections for you as some kind of tool or an easy fuck!'

'I don't know what to do anymore!' Remus screamed, clutching his hair tightly. 'I don't know!' He looked about to cry and Sirius found his anger melting at the sight.

'Remus…'

'She never understood me! Not even with dad there but now, she doesn't even try!' Sirius reached out for him slowly, taking Remus's hand and pulling him into a hug, 'It doesn't matter what I do, Padfoot, it's like she's just waiting to find a fault in me! I've tried, but I can't even stay underneath the same roof as her anymore!' He fisted Sirius's t-shirt, pulling him impossibly close.

'Shh,' Sirius whispered, running his fingers through Remus's hair. 'It's okay.'

'I must sound like such a horrible person, saying such things about my own mother.'

'You're talking to the wrong person here,' Sirius said, trying to keep his voice light. Remus laughed weakly into Sirius's neck.

'I love her, Sirius, like nothing you can imagine, but-'

'But she doesn't understand why you're always trying to kill yourself,' Sirius said, his voice not escaping the disdain he felt for Dumbledore who had sent Remus into yet another deadly mission.

'It's my-'

'Job, I know, I know.' Sirius rocked their bodies together slowly, resting his chin on Remus's shoulder.

'I'm sorry for…you know…I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know what I was thinking. I just-'

'I know. It's okay. Just don't do it again, yeah? I don't…just tell me and I'll help you, you know that. I'm always here.' He heard Remus hum into his ear, whispering sorry over and over again. 'Do you feel better now?' Sirius felt Remus shake his head against him. 'Would you like to go for a ride? We can forget today ever happened, get some breakfast on the way.' Remus nodded. 'You'll have to let go of me first.' Remus shook his head, holding Sirius tighter and making him chuckle. 'As you wish,' he said before apparating them into their small makeshift garage.

'You changed the leather,' Remus commented when he'd finally let go of Sirius long enough to look at the bike.

Sirius looked at his bike, shined and polished to perfection. 'I didn't have anything else to do, so I pampered the bike for a little while. Changed the engines, strengthened the levitation charms for better control…'

'As if you didn't obsess over the thing enough  _with_  me here,' said Remus, smiling, but Sirius thought he heard a bit of jealousy in his voice.

'Do you want to drive today?' Sirius asked, taking his gloves and helmet off the hook.

Remus whipped around, surprised. 'Me?'

Sirius shrugged. 'Sure, if you like.' It was odd how Sirius was giving up control over his beloved bike so easily when he'd been nothing but possessive of it ever since he'd gathered enough money to buy it. He hadn't even let James touch it, let alone ride it.

Remus gazed at the bike with an unreadable expression. 'But I don't know how.'

'That's why I'm here,' said Sirius, kissing Remus on the cheek and dumping the helmet on his head. 'I'll be behind you the entire time, so don't be scared of falling, all right?'

Remus let Sirius put on the gloves for him. 'I'm not scared of falling. I've been on your bike before…just not as the driver. What if I wreck it?'

'Then I shall dump you forever and never talk to you again,' Sirius replied with all seriousness and burst out laughing at the incredulous expression on Remus's face. 'Go on then, up you go,' he urged, slapping Remus on the bum. 'I'll go open the door.'

'Padfoot, no, Sirius!' Remus screamed as Sirius pushed the accelerator and tilted the motorbike on one wheel before lifting off skywards 'Padfoot, its bloody daylight! Get back down! All the muggles are going to think they've gone crazy!'

Sirius leaned his body against Remus's back, guiding his lover's hands across the handles while kissing the back of his neck. 'Don't worry, love. I installed one more thing while you were away.'

'It's definitely not a brain, I can tell that much.' Remus swerved to the right to avoid a very obese pigeon.

'Sticks and stones, Moony,' replied Sirius cheekily, before reaching underneath the handle bar and pressing the invisibility shield. 'Brilliant, innit? We're invisible to everyone but ourselves. If anyone looks up, all they'll see is a shimmery patch of the sky.'

'And they'll think that the heavens are looking down upon them. Yes, it's ingenious,' Remus said sardonically. 'Tomorrow we'll end up on TV as UFO's Anonymous.'

'You really think so? I've never been on the telly before.'

'Really? Because I've been a soap star since I was thirteen.'

Sirius laughed. 'That's my sarcastic Moony. It's good to have you back. I missed you, you know.' He tightened his hands around Remus's lovingly even though there was no longer any need for Sirius to guide him; Remus was doing passably on his own. 'You really scared me last night.'

'Sorry.' Remus sounded genuinely apologetic though Sirius didn't see a reason why.

'How did this happen, Moony? I thought you said they were friendly, that they were willing to listen and even join at times.'

Remus sighed heavily. 'It was a misunderstanding. A lot of them are survivors from Greyback's camp. They think I'm behind the fire and the mob.'

'Shit.'

'I didn't know until they'd already poisoned me. It wasn't a very large dose…just enough to weaken me for a good three days.'

'Until the full moon. The bastards,' Sirius whispered, piecing together all the information. He felt a burning hatred for those werewolves who hadn't even given Remus a chance to explain himself. 'How did you get out? How did you escape?'

'I promised I wouldn't tell, Padfoot.' Remus let go of one of the handlebars to reach behind and caress Sirius's cheek. The leather felt sticky and uncomfortable against his skin, and Sirius couldn't help but feel a little disgruntled at Remus's reluctance to give away details yet again. As if sensing his disdain, Remus went on to explain, 'It's not because I don't trust you, and you know that. I'd lay down my life in your hands, but the information I have within me concerns more than just one person. If you were captured or tortured or even cursed, Padfoot, it would mean a lot of trouble for a lot of other people.'

A part of Sirius knew that what Remus was saying was reasonable, but it didn't mean he had to like it or accept it. He could, however, ignore it. 'Sit tight,' Sirius warned before he accelerated and turned the bike a complete three-sixty.

Remus screamed like a girl, caught unawares, and clung on to the bike for dear life as he felt himself move through the sky upside down for the longest ten seconds of his life. 'Sirius, you arse! I'll kill you!' he screamed above Sirius's barking laughter. It was exhilarating and dangerous and dizzying and so liberating from everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours that Sirius couldn't contain himself as he hooted and turned again and again. 'I swear, I'll slaughter you when we get home!'

Sirius was laughing even as he righted the bike with Remus still trembling against him. 'Fun, wasn't it?'

Remus punched him hard on the thigh. 'I was too busy trying not to die to notice.' He pouted and punched Sirius again when all the Animagus did was chuckle in response. 'I hate you.'

'Pity,' Sirius chortled, guiding the bike higher above the clouds. 'I hear unrequited love is a bitch.'

* * *

 

Lily handed Remus his tea. 'I thought Sirius was coming with you.'

Remus, James and Lily were sitting in the kitchen of the Potter's apartment, waiting for Sirius to arrive so that they could go to dinner together. Remus had never seen the apartment so messy; not with Lily around to always keep it spotless. There were labeled boxes lying around the floor, clothes and other odds and ends strewn across the sofas. It would seem that James and Lily were taking their move to Godric's Hollow quite seriously.

Remus sipped his tea, scalding his tounge in the process. 'I told him you wanted to have Valentine dinner together, and he told me it wasn't an important enough reason to miss work.'

Lily hummed. 'He finishes at six though, doesn't he? It's nearly seven now; I'd have expected him to be here.'

Remus shrugged. 'You know Padfoot. He probably saw something shiny on the way and got caught up.'

James laughed, but Lily frowned in disapproval. 'Do you think he's in trouble?'

'Nah, I would have known,' said Remus, leaning his chair on its hind legs in a way that Lily thought was very characteristic of Sirius. 'The worst that can happen is Padfoot splinching himself in a hurry.'

James looked at Lily questioningly. 'Remus,' she said slowly, 'er, I told James…about your  _connection_  with Sirius. I thought he might be able to help.'

Remus didn't seem offended by her confession, and Lily figured it was stupid to think he would be, given the close friendship he and James shared. Remus looked at his best friend with a raised eyebrow. 'Were you…able to help?'

James shook his head. 'Afraid not. I mean, I knew you had that connection, even before Lily told me.' He shifted his chair closer to Remus's as if preparing himself to share a secret. 'Do you remember in school? You could always tell when Sirius was around, couldn't you? You were never able to do that with either of us and well, remember how I got jealous about it once?'

Remus smiled. 'How could I forget the hissy fit you threw?'

James slapped him up the head, and Lily suddenly felt very lost between them. She realised that while she admired their close friendship, Lily hardly knew anything about the Marauders. She resolved inwardly to find out more.

'It's a lot stronger now that Remus and Sirius are well…together,' Lily said, breaking the verbal fight between the two boys.

James shrugged nonchalantly. 'Yeah, but it's safe as long as it's just a mental connection like you said. I mean, if Padfoot's hurt, there's no reason for Moony to be also.'

'The body cannot live without the mind,' Lily argued, 'it'll affect him to certain extent, I think.'

'Look, let's drop it, alright?' Remus snapped, obviously feeling awkward at being the centre of conversation. 'It's just one of those mysteries of magic we can never solve.'

'Does Padfoot have it?' James continued, not paying any heed to Remus's request. 'I don't remember anything of the sort from him back in school.'

'Remus reckons there might be, but we can't be sure yet. Given how oblivious Sirius can be, he probably hasn't even noticed it yet.'

'There's a way to find out,' James said, his eyes lighting up with enthusiasm. 'I've been thinking about it, and I've wanted to test the theory out for ages! What do you say, Moony?'

Remus shrugged. 'Sure, as long as it doesn't end with me dying or worse, ending up in the highway starkers.'

Lily looked at her husband suspiciously. Experiments with James involved rarely meant anything good. 'I don't think you should, James.'

'It's just a little cut on the wrist, I promise. It's somewhat life threatening so if Sirius really has the connection, he'll feel it.'

'Are you mad, James?' Lily screamed, appalled at his suggestion. 'You could break a vein! No, absolutely not. I refuse to-'

'Do it,' Remus interrupted, his face looking strangely determined. 'I don't mind.'

'Remus, no.'

Remus reached out for the smallest knife on the counter and pressed it into James's hands, tactlessly avoiding Lily's eyes.

'It won't be too deep. I'll just break the skin, okay?' James said, rolling the knife between his fingers and looking a bit more hesitant now that he was finally getting his way. 'Tell me if it really hurts.'

Remus nodded, watching as James brought the blade to his wrist. Lily watched, horrified and amazed at the same time when Remus's only indication of pain was an initial twitch of his jaw when the knife first broke skin. The werewolf had to have an amazing threshold for pain to look this impassive.

'James, stop,' she pleaded, trying not to look at the trickle of blood that wound its way down around Remus's wrist.

James looked up questioningly at Remus, who only shook his head. 'I'm fine. You can cut deeper if you like.'

James took a shaky breath but nodded, pushing the blade further into Remus's wrist, making the werewolf's fingers tremble the slightest in response. He moved the blade a little more forward to unmarked skin, obviously not wanting to worsen the wound he had already caused in case it proved fatal. James's hand was shaking like a leaf even as he did it, and Lily could tell clearly by his face that a part of him was terrified and sickened by what he was doing.

'Moony, I-'

The phone suddenly rang, breaking through the silence and startling all three of them. Remus, James and Lily looked at each other simultaneously. Their expressions were mirrored showing clearly that the exact same thought was going through all their heads: had Sirius felt it and called?

'G-Go pick it up,' James said unevenly to Remus after the fourth ring. He picked up a kitchen cloth, folded it thinner, and tied it tightly across Remus's wrist with shaky fingers. 'We'll fix this up later, go.'

'And put on speaker,' Lily reminded just as Remus answered the phone with a shaky 'hello'.

'Moony!' Sirius's voice rang out loudly with a certain note of urgency. 'I was hoping you would pick up instead!'

Remus looked back at them nervously, flexing his cut wrist almost subconsciously.

'How are you? What have you been doing, eh?'

'I'm fine, Padfoot,' Remus answered, this time smiling, and Lily had a feeling that there was certain smugness in that smile in having been proven right. As if reading her thoughts, Remus looked back at James with a raised eyebrow.

'Good, good, just give me a minute until these buggers go away. They keep trying to hog the phone and listen in, I swear.' Vaguely, they heard Sirius scolding someone in the background. 'Hey, you gave me a phone call, and I don't want to do it with you listening in, all right! Go away!'

All three of them blinked.

'Finally!' Sirius exclaimed. 'Moony, you'll never guess where I am! Guess, guess, come on!' Lily had the oddest mental image of Sirius jumping up and down in excitement as he talked. 'It's someplace really fantastic!' He hinted, the excitement barely controlled in his voice.

Remus shrugged. 'Er, the Leaky Cauldron?'

'No, no, you can do better than that, Moony,' Sirius chastised. 'Come on! It's the wildest thing ever!'

Lily rolled her eyes, while James and Remus grinned. 'Maybe he's on those muggle escalators,' James supplied helpfully.

'Or maybe he's in the primate section of the city zoo and has found his long lost twin there,' Lily deadpanned.

'I'm in muggle jail!' Sirius exclaimed happily and there was an ominous silence that followed.

It was broken by the strangled sounds of Remus asphyxiating. 'WHAT?'

'I know, isn't it fantastic?' Sirius asked, obviously misreading the tone of Remus's voice as excitement. It didn't help that James had fallen to the floor in hysterics and was screaming 'brilliant!' between uncontrollable laughter.

'I've always wanted to see the interiors of this place,' Sirius continued, 'and the guys are really nice here. They have cuffs, real ones and I need to get one for us! It would be so kinky! I think I might even be able to cajole one of them to let me take one! And there was this other one who-'

'Sirius, what the fuck are you doing in jail?' Remus interrupted, a mixture of shocked and furious.

Sirius quieted for a few seconds and Lily had another mental picture of him shuffling his feet sheepishly. 'Well, Lily said I should buy you a gift for today,' he said very quickly, trying to get rid of the embarrassing explanations and get to the fun part, 'and I saw those chocolates when I was coming home from work today. The ones that your grandma always used to send you for special occasions; I know how much you like them. But I didn't have any paper money on me, so I just tossed a couple of galleons to the cashier and told her she could exchange it whenever she wanted, and we sort of got into a fight. That ungrateful bitch, after paying her well above the price, she calls the police and blames me for assault!'

There was a loud beep in the background warning them of the approaching end of Sirius's call.

'Hey, mate, you got spare change here?' Sirius asked someone who Lily suspected was the 'bugger' who was monitoring him. She felt sorry for him. 'Come on, I haven't finished talking. Oh sod it! So anyway,' Sirius resumed his story to a dumbfounded Remus at an even faster pace, 'some way or the other, the subject of my bike comes up and well…I don't exactly have a license – muggle or magic…so, they brought me here and told me I had one phone call to make and none of us have a phone except Prongs, so I called!'

Remus slapped his forehead and James was practically having a seizure now. 'Padfoot, we're coming to bail you out, okay. Sit still and don't do-'

The phone clicked.

'-anything stupid.' Remus rounded on Lily, his expression ready to kill. 'You're paying for his bail and I shall slaughter you when we get back,' he forewarned before hauling James off the floor with his arms and marching out.

* * *

 

Many find it hard to believe but Officer Shyam, at the age of fifty four, had an excellent memory. He remembered most of his jailers and a lot of other people who came and went from the station. He also remembered the red headed woman from when she had come last year, distraught and searching for a friend who was standing beside her now along with another man (introduced as James Potter) who looked as if he was having trouble trying to keep a straight face. Either that or he was horribly constipated.

Now, if you had told Officer Shyam last year that people like that red-haired woman and Mr. Lupin (he remembered that one by name obviously) were associated with the likes of Sirius Black, he would have laughed in your face. Today, however, it seemed that Black was doing most of the laughing as he treated a well maintained (according to Prime Minister) justice system like a ride in the amusement park.

'Officer, do you think we could talk to you in private?'

Shyam tore his gaze away from Black to look at Potter and Lupin standing there, looking slightly hesitant. He nodded, moving a little further away from the rest of the men and looked expectantly ay both Potter and Lupin.

'Er, you might have heard Sirius tell you some ridiculous things,' Potter started and Shyam had to snort at the understatement of the century. 'We don't like to talk about it much, but my brother-'

'Your brother? Really?' Apart from the jet black hair, Potter and Black looked nothing like each other. If that was enough evidence to go by then Shyam could have been their father. 'And I suppose Mr. Lupin here is one, too?'

Potter frowned and looked at Lupin. 'Sirius is a cousin actually, but he's family, you know. We grew up together as brothers,' Potter explained, his eyes unwavering and clearly telling the truth, so Shyam let the matter drop. 'Remus is our…nurse.' Lupin broke into a fit of coughs, but Potter carried on, leaning closer to Shyam conspiratorially. 'Sirius is a little delusional most of the time. He's got an insane imagination and a really twisted sense of…pretty much everything.'

'So, really, you shouldn't take anything he's said seriously,' Lupin finished once he was done coughing. It was the first time Shyam had heard the boy speak since all of them entered, and was surprised to find that Lupin sounded very calm and cool for a boy distressed enough to run away only a year ago. He definitely didn't sound like someone who would slit their wrists, but the blood stained cloth tied tightly around his hand said otherwise. It might have been an accident though, Shyam reasoned. Potter might be right, even though Lupin didn't look much like a nurse either. Still, his obvious care for Black showed in his expression that was caught between murderous and loving.

Shyam looked over at Black again who was ignoring Mrs. Potter (the red head)'s scolding for another officer called Paula Yates. He was asking her about doughnuts.

'Black does seem a little disoriented,' Shyam admitted to Potter who abruptly turned to his constipated expression again. Perhaps that was an expression of anger or disapproval? Maybe Shyam had offended him somehow? 'You should keep a closer eye on him,' he suggested to Lupin as gently as possible so as not to upset.

Lupin smiled sincerely. 'I will.'

'And you should renew your license by next week or that motorbike of yours will be confiscated, understood?'

Potter clapped Lupin on the back who looked wistfully out the window, presumably at his motorbike. For some reason, the sleek, black motorbike didn't suit Lupin's persona at all. Shyam could not even begin to imagine the boy spending hour after hour polishing the large bike until it shone bright enough to blind.

'Yes, sir. We'll be a lot more careful with Sirius from now on, I promise.'

'Go on then, take him home.' Shyam resigned, unsure of how to react as Black tried to take the box of chocolates that he had stolen from the shop and received a slap on the hand from Mrs. Potter in return.

It would be a relief to get rid of Black. Shyam was quite honestly getting tired of Black calling him 'Inspector Jack Regan' all the time.

* * *

 

'How did you cut your hand, Moony?' Lily heard Sirius asking as they all made their way towards their reserved dinner table. 'And don't try to deny it. It might be healed now, but I saw it at the station.'

James stiffened beside Lily, but Remus kept a completely straight face. 'It was an accident. Lily was making me chop vegetables for lunch tomorrow.'

'And your wrist looked a lot like lettuce, did it?' Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lily wondered how Sirius would react to the information of James cutting Remus's wrist for the sake of an experiment; the black haired boy could get extremely possessive sometimes and cases with Remus in it were always extra sensitive.

'Here we are,' Lily said, hoping to divert Sirius's attention from Remus. She slipped into the chair on the right, opposite to James and beside Sirius. 'Seems incomplete without Peter, doesn't it,' Lily said, fixing her dress and looking wistfully at the entrance.

James shrugged. 'It's that bitch of his; wanting to spend time with him alone and what not. Ditching his best mates for a woman, honestly, I never did that with you, Lily.'

'No, you only talked about her with us, twenty-four-seven, and drove us mental,' Sirius replied casually. 'I would have rather preferred you ditching us really.'

'It's not only today,' Lily continued, ignoring the glares that Sirius and James shot each other. 'He seems to be getting distant, don't you think? I mean, I know he visits whenever he can, but he doesn't seem himself anymore. I mean, he's seems terrified all the time.'

Sirius dismissed her comment with a wave of his hand. 'Wormtail's been in a state of constant fright since the day he was born. It's in his nature.'

'You're just reading too much into things, love,' James assured her with a smile. 'Relax. It's Valentine's Day. Enjoy my undying love and attention.'

Sirius gagged.

'Hm,' Lily replied non-comitally. 'You know,' she continued thoughtfully, playing with her cutlery. She wished the waiter would hurry up to their table already; her stomach was growling painfully from hunger. 'James never told me how the two of you got together. I mean, everyone knows our story, but what's yours?'

Remus looked at Sirius who shrugged. 'I don't think we have one,' Remus replied slowly, looking almost confused.

Lily rolled her eyes, exasperated at the boys' complete lack of imagination. 'Everyone has a story, Remus, you just need to bind in the details. When did you first feel attracted to each other?'

Remus and Sirius blinked, and James snorted. 'What you should ask, my dear Lily, is that when did those two  _not_ feel attracted to each other,' James said with an air of smug superiority. 'Padfoot was obsessively in love with Moony even back in first year.'

'I was not!' Sirius retorted, standing up suddenly. His face flushed from embarrassment when he noticed people turning to their table to see what the commotion was about.

'Were to; don't deny it!' James shot back quietly. 'I remember you always following him and trying to pull pranks on him just to get him to notice you! Wormtail and I saw it coming from a mile away!'

Sirius spluttered indignantly and Remus bowed his head, hiding a grin.

James rounded on Remus. 'And you, Moony, always  _sensing_  Sirius whenever he was close by and always standing up for him. You'd let him get away with murder!'

'I'd have let either of you get away with murder,' Remus replied defensively, 'and I think I have numerous times, too. I'm fond of all of you quite equally, thank you very much.'

'All right, no fighting at the dinner table,' Lily intervened, placing her arms between the boys. 'I'll ask another question, okay. What was your first kiss like? Was it romantic?'

'Moony was trying to throw me off the Gryffindor Tower, so I kissed him.' Sirius grinned, casting a wink towards Remus. 'It was fun.'

Remus stabbed the table with his fork moodily. 'You got me angry.'

Sirius raised an eyebrow. 'And that justifies you trying to kill me, does it?'

'Hey, how come I don't know this bit?' James asked petulantly, looking between his friends. 'I thought I knew everything that happened between the two of you!'

'You were asleep or something, I don't know,' Remus dismissed. 'And I wasn't trying to kill you, Padfoot, I was threatening you.'

Sirius snorted derisively. 'Lies, all lies, Lily, don't you believe a word he says. Our Moony here is quite the animal.' He pointed towards a large purpling bruise on the inner side of his right arm. 'See that, he did it.'

Remus frowned. 'Padfoot, you got that from the stunt you pulled last week with the bike.'

'Well, I wouldn't have gotten it if you had just shut up and let me concentrate. You're always telling me to turn left and turn right and-'

'Not crash into the ground and break your neck, you bastard! If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even have that bike today! Prongs made me your nurse, you know that? Nurse! For-'

Lily cast a desperate glance at James, looking for help. She hoped she wasn't the reason they would end up fighting on Valentine's Day.

Her husband simply smiled and raised an eyebrow. 'You should know, love, that there's a reason why we never talk about Sirius and Remus's relationship,' James explained gesturing at his two friends who were now bickering about who kicked whom in bed the most. 'It's lethal.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'Oh hush, listen to the two of you, bickering like an old married couple!' Sirius and Remus's mouths snapped shut immediately at the comment. 'Almost five years together and the two of you don't even know how you got together.'

'Psh, of course we know that bit,' Sirius said offhandedly, 'Moony and I shagged after I ran away from home.'

'Then Padfoot got angry when I rejected him and punctured himself with the bathroom mirror,' Remus continued, smiling dreamily like it was the best thing ever. Either that or he could smell the rare steak the table beside them was having.

Sirius smiled back, resting his head against his hand. 'It scared Moony shitless, or course, and he realised how wonderful, handsome and irresistible I am.'

'He also realised that Padfoot was stupid enough to kill himself in that state,' James deadpanned, rolling his eyes at the lovesick looks his friends were casting each other.

Sirius nodded. 'So we decided that the best solution to all this was to sleep with each other regularly.' He blew a kiss towards Remus. Unfortunately, the waitress behind them thought it was for her and tripped over her feet, sending her tray of glasses crashing to the floor.

'And we continue to do so because therapy is just too expensive for either of us,' Remus finished, gesturing impatiently at a nearby waiter. 'The end.'

Lily slapped her forehead. From the corner of her eyes, she could see her husband laughing and clapping Remus on the back. He caught her eye and mouthed the words 'lethal'.

'I'm sorry I asked,' Lily groaned. She noticed that Sirius and Remus's dreamy expressions had not faltered the slightest and they were in fact, looking at each other rather lovingly. She realised with utter dissatisfaction and faint disgust that she would never understand those two or her husband.

'I thought it was quite romantic, actually,' said James cheekily. 'Oh, and Padfoot, those are mine. Moony's balls are slightly more to the left.'

Remus choked on his own spit, and Lily heard Sirius make a disgusted noise as he jerked violently in his seat.

'May I take your order, please?'

* * *

 

Sirius and Remus tumbled into their apartment, lips locked and hands flying to touch as much skin possible through layers of clothing. Remus felt his back hit against the wall, wincing in pain momentarily before losing himself in the feel of Sirius's lips against his neck.

'God, do you have any idea what you've been doing to me tonight?' Sirius murmured against Remus's skin, nipping just hard enough to leave a mark the next day. 'Driving me fucking crazy.' He fumbled desperately with Remus's belt buckle, growling loudly when it put up a fight. Sirius pushed Remus's trousers down, revealing long, lanky legs and a growing bulge in Remus's pants. 'Couldn't even - do anything about it - in front of Prongs and Lily.' Sirius grabbed Remus's thighs roughly, hoisting him upwards so that those lovely long legs were forced to wrap around his waist.

'Padfoot, wait…' Remus protested weakly, throwing his head back and groaning when it collided painfully with the wall.

'No,' Sirius commanded in between kisses and taking off Remus's jumper. 'I've waited long enough. I want you NOW.'

'Padfoot, come on. Padfoot!' Remus grabbed Sirius by the wrist, effectively stopping part of his ministrations. 'Let me down, alright? I've got something for you.'

Sirius, who had considered the entrapment of his hands as an encouragement to put his mouth to full use, stopped and raised an eyebrow. 'You got me a present?'

Remus smiled. 'Not quite. Just a little something for Valentine's, I guess. I mean…it is the first time we're celebrating it, right?'

Sirius hummed, reluctantly letting Remus pull out of his arms and feeling ridiculously empty about it. Part of the feeling was also guilt for not having gotten Remus anything on their supposedly "special day". It wasn't that he hadn't tried, but he had a knack of getting into trouble and causing havoc wherever he went. Besides, Lily could have been a bit more specific about what you were supposed to get your "boyfriend" for Valentine's. It wasn't like Sirius could give Remus jewellery.

Sirius could hear Remus rummaging in the cupboards and the clink of beer bottles as the fridge door opened and closed. He sighed, looking down at his crotch and comparing it to how it looked only seconds ago. 'You know, Moony, you're really killing the mood here.'

'Happy Valentine's,' Remus said as he entered with a small, heart shaped cake. As he neared, Sirius could see that the top was decorated with vanilla icing, with 'For Padfoot' written in loopy handwriting and a few distorted heart hastily drawn at the sides. One of the hearts Remus had carelessly pierced with a candle and the whole thing looked more like…

Sirius coughed. 'It's rather red,' he commented, not sure what to say as Remus sat down beside him, cake on lap.

'I know,' Remus replied, licking icing off his finger.

Sirius watched, mesmerised for a moment, before snapping back to reality. 'Lily made you buy it, didn't she?'

Remus rubbed his neck, grinning abashedly. 'She did. She actually dragged me out of bed to go shopping. She finds it hard to believe we've never celebrated Valentine's before.'

Sirius shrugged, blowing out the candle. 'It's not like we could walk into Hogsmeade hand in hand. Besides, I always thought it was a bit daft, even back when I was dating those ridiculous girls.'

'I still think it's ridiculous,' swiping his index across the cake surface and putting it into his mouth. 'Not chocolate, but still good. We should get Lily to pick out our cakes more often.'

Sirius smiled, reaching out Remus's right arm and kissing his palm. 'I'm sorry mine didn't turn out that well. I know you love those chocolates.'

'It's the thought that counts.' Remus replied, closing his eyes a little as Sirius kissed further up his arm.

'You don't mean that.'

'No, I don't. I really do love those chocolates.'

Sirius smacked him lightly. 'Prat! You could have had them if you just let me take them from the station. None of the muggle officers were looking. I bet they're eating it right now, enjoying the smooth, creamy, rich tex-'

Sirius found himself spluttering cream as Remus shoved a handful of cake into his face.

'You bastard!'

Remus giggled, dodging Sirius's attempt to retaliate with more cake and ending up getting hit in the neck.

'You think it's funny, do you?' Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows dangerously before launching himself towards his lover. The cake lay forgotten on the sofa as both boys tumbled over, Sirius getting the upper hand and pinning Remus's wrists above his head. He licked the cake off Remus's neck with a single swipe of his tounge. 'Mm…tastes better this way. Moony cake.' Sirius chuckled at his own joke.

Remus mock struggled under Sirius's hold. 'It wasn't my first choice of a gift for you, you know.'

'No?'

'No. My first attempt was without Lily, but then she saw what I bought and had a conniption fit.'

'The one where her face matches her hair?' Sirius asked, letting Remus sit up underneath him.

'No other…'

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. 'What then?'

'Well, I was subjected to a three hour lecture about how I was an inconsiderate  _boyfriend_  with no sense of gift giving at all, and how is that romantic, and why would I want to give you something like that on Valentine's Day, so on and so forth. Apparently, my gift lacked thought.'

Sirius frowned in distaste. 'Did you get me socks or something? It sounds ghastly.'

Remus shrugged. 'I'll let you decide,' saying that, he rummaged his wand out of his discarded shirt pocket and summoned a dark brown package from the bedroom. 'Go ahead, open it.' When Sirius looked hesitant, he nudged him lightly with his foot. 'It's the least you can do after not getting me a present.'

Sirius opened the package gingerly with the tips of his fingers. His eyes widened comically as the package revealed a black, silver studded leather collar. 'Moony, you kinky bugger! To think I always thought of you as the innocent one.' The collar was nearly as thin as a finger and when Remus helped Sirius put it on, it was barely visible from underneath his t-shirt.

Sirius gasped as Remus hooked a finger underneath the collar and pulled lightly. 'See, I didn't think it lacked thought at all.' He pulled again, bringing their faces closer so that they were practically sharing oxygen. 'I thought about you  _a lot_  when I bought it.'

Sirius smirked, running his fingers over the bow of Remus's lips. 'Thoughts are useless until you put them into action.'

* * *

 


	38. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**The Kennel, March 1980…** _

' _Happy birthday, Moony,' Sirius panted into Remus's neck, not bothering to disentangle their arms or legs as they fell, side by side, into the same pillow._

_Remus laughed, still sweaty and high and delirious from post coital bliss. 'Happy birthday, indeed.' He kissed Sirius gently, again and again, just a light brush of lips._

' _Mm, what does my Moony want for his special day, then?'_

' _Depends,' Remus answered cheekily, sliding a hand up Sirius's chest. 'What is Padfoot giving him? I bet he forgot until the last moment, what do you think?'_

_Sirius pouted. 'Have a little faith, Moony. I thought about it all month, and I still couldn't figure out what to get you.' He nudged Remus's cheek with his nose. 'Give me a little hint, Moony, come on. Or I'll have to ask Lily for advice, and you know how that always goes.'_

' _Think,' Remus said simply, kissing Sirius's nose._

' _Can I bribe you with a big sloppy kiss?' Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively and brushing a knuckle against Remus's chin._

_Remus snorted. 'Don't be cheap.' He rubbed Sirius's stomach slowly, sensuously. 'How about another go?' He leaned in to kiss Sirius but was held back, much to his frustration._

_Sirius didn't look any happier; in fact, he looked positively pained. 'We don't have enough time for that, Moony. I need to get to work in a few minutes, you know that.'_

_Remus sulked. 'Can't you just skip work for today? It's my birthday, you know…'_

_Sirius laughed. 'Somehow, I don't think Moody will accept the excuse. Things are getting busier at the DMLE.'_

' _I noticed,' Remus added a little spitefully. 'We hardly get to see each other as it is without you having to work overtime. I know we're both doing it to save the world and what not, but we could do with a little saving ourselves once in a while…'_

_Sirius stroked Remus's cheek, wiping away the creases under his eyes. 'We'll get rid of it someday. Look, we still have your birthday party to celebrate. Prongs is bringing streamers.'_

_Remus rolled his eyes. 'Is that a code word for things that will explode in my face?'_

_'Could be,' Sirius replied, grinning conspiratorially. 'And there's always after. That's when the real festivities start.'_

_'You'd better not be late,' Remus warned, his sour mood lifted and the playful glint back in his eyes. 'I'm in no mood for celibacy.'_

_'Moony, my love, I wouldn't miss it for the world.'_

'Many happy returns. You look fucking hot.'

Remus looked away from the window and towards James who was standing beside him, a bottle of cheap whisky in hand. He raised an eyebrow. 'Excuse me?'

James grinned and shrugged. 'That's what Elf told me to tell you before he dragged Marlene into the bedroom.'

Remus groaned. 'That boy has absolutely no self control.'

James uncorked the bottle of whisky with his wand and handed it to him. 'You look like you could use this.' He watched as Remus took a swig before placing a friendly arm around the werewolf. 'Knut for your thoughts?'

Remus smiled. 'Not thinking. Just…reminiscing, I suppose.'

James looked at him incredulously. 'Moony, you sound like an old codger on your sixtieth birthday. Come on, you're a real man today – twenty and all!'

Remus laughed. 'That's the problem, isn't it? I mean, I feel like I never got the chance to be a boy to start with.'

'Merlin, you're depressed. It's because of Padfoot, isn't it? I'll kill him, you know. As soon as he shows his face in this house, I'll kill him.'

Remus shook his head. 'He has a reason. Padfoot wouldn't miss it otherwise.'

James huffed 'He doesn't seem to be in danger, so I really see no reason. Marauders always come first.'

'Things aren't that simple, and I don't really mind.' Remus smiled, wrapping his arm around James's shoulders. 'I really am enjoying the party. It's been a while since the whole gang has gotten together, hasn't it. I mean, I haven't seen Bones since Graduation. She's gotten quite fit, don't you think?'

James chuckled. 'You'd say that, wouldn't you? She's had a crush on you since fifth year.'

Remus's face turned beet red. 'Rubbish! She was dating Paul Scotts back in school!'

'Only because you were too involved with a certain dog to notice her! I bet you five galleons she's going to come over and ask you to dance tonight.'

'And I bet five galleons and the leftovers of my birthday cake that you're out of your mind.'

James clapped him on the back, emitting an embarrassingly high pitched war cry. 'Chocolate or not, that cake is mine, Lupin!'

'Forget it, Potter. That cake has my name on it…in  _white icing.'_ Remus crossed his arms smugly.

James's smirk didn't falter as he looked past Remus's shoulders. 'Prepare to lose, Moony, my lad, because she's coming this way in one, two-'

'Remus?'

Remus turned to look at Bones behind him, dressed in a pretty red frock and looking extremely pink in the face. 'I was wondering if you'd like to dance. I've been trying to find a partner all night.' She shrugged shyly. 'Guess I stepped on too many feet, eh?'

Remus smiled kindly. 'I'm sure you'll do fine with me. But before we go, I have one question.' He looked at Bones first, then James, who was looking haughty at having being proved right and won a fee out of it. 'Do you think James is out of his mind?'

Bones laughed, a sweet, tinkling sound. 'Doesn't everyone?'

'You owe me five, Potter,' Remus said simply, winking at James and leaving him glaring at the two of them as they danced.

* * *

 

Wormtail!'

Peter froze, cursing himself for thinking he could slip past the DMLE so easily. Sirius worked here after all and was bound to catch him sooner or later. He hid the documents in his hand behind his back as he turned to face the black haired man. Sirius was leaning against the doorframe of his office, looking as cocky as ever and surveying Peter in a way that made Peter more jittery than usual.

'H-Hello, Padfoot,' Peter said shakily and tried to put on his best innocent smile.

'Come in, Wormtail. I haven't seen you in a while, so don't think you can get away too easily,' Sirius replied gruffly, and Peter's limbs shook, as he walked in, with the fear of Sirius  _knowing_.

Sirius sat down, offering Peter a cup of tea before pouring himself some. 'Where have you been, Wormtail? I haven't seen you since the last Order meeting and when I do see you today, you're trying to sneak out without visiting. You're not hiding something, are you?' He said all this with a grin, but Peter felt that Sirius's tone sounded a lot more suspicious than playful.

'I-I've been a bit busy with work. That's what I c-came here for today and I was in so much of a hurry. I s-should be going now, really, so-'

'Sit down, Wormtail,' Sirius scolded, rolling his eyes. 'You can tell your boss there was a long line or something. Lily's been asking a lot about you and it's driving me crazy, honestly. So, you're going to talk and spend a little time with me, like the old times, yeah?'

'I g-guess I could spare a little time,' Peter replied, willing himself to calm down. He wished he wouldn't stutter so much; it was only Sirius – Peter had spent seven years in school with him after all. He just wished the boy wasn't so unpredictable.

'Damn straight. So, what is this work that you were in such a hurry for?'

'Oh, you know, couple of approval s-stamps and such. What are all these papers for?' Peter asked, trying to change the subject lest he said something he'd regret later.

'What, these? End of the day paperwork of our activities,' Sirius replied disdainfully. 'Not like there's much to report nowadays with Moody increasing our security. He's started to divide one task between seven to eight Aurors so that no one knows what the main mission is. The old codger reckons there are Death Eaters infiltrating the Department.'

Peter swallowed his tea so fast that he scalded his tounge. 'D-Death Eaters? In the Department?'

Sirius sighed, stacking the scattered papers on his desk. 'Knowing Moody and his paranoia, he probably thinks they're everywhere, even in the Order.'

'The O-Order? You don't actually believe that, do you?' Peter asked, his heart hammering in his rib cage so loudly he was sure Sirius could hear it.

Sirius shrugged. 'Moody's as barmy as you can get, you know what I mean, but he's never been wrong.' He looked intently at Peter, furrowing his eyebrows and Peter trembled, knowing he was caught. He was caught and he wanted to run, run away as fast as he could before they arrested him. 'Say, you're coming to Moony's birthday party tonight, aren't you? I'm not forgiving you if you miss it. We've been planning it for nearly a week now and Lily's gone through the trouble of baking a large cake.'

Peter nearly cried in relief. 'Of course! I'd never think of missing it. Patricia has picked out a lovely present for him.'

Sirius wrinkled his nose in distaste. 'You're still seeing that bird then.'

Technically, Peter wasn't seeing her as much as he was assisting her. He'd been trying to get her into the Order in the guise of his girlfriend for a few months now, but Dumbledore kept turning him down. Apparently, Dumbledore hadn't known her well enough in Hogwarts and needed some time to consider the matter. 'Yeah, she's really great, you know; if you just give her a chance.'

Sirius waved him off as if what he said was irrelevant. 'Psh, it's not like you're marrying her or the like. She seems evil to me. I wouldn't even be surprised if  _she_  turned out to be a Death Eater.'

Peter was glad he'd finished his tea because he would have choked on it this time. He had to do something, he knew; he had to be sneaky and careful like the Dark Lord had told them to be. He had to do everything in his power to not get caught because his friends would never forgive him and even worse, the Dark Lord would kill him.

Peter tried to gather his courage and think quickly. 'I don't think so. Everyone's got a dark side, Sirius, not just Patricia. I-I mean, if you're judging in that way, anyone could be a Death Eater. Elphias, Shaklebolt, even M-Moony.'

Sirius laughed. 'My, you're getting defensive.'

'I'm just saying that everyone's got s-secrets. You can't tell me Remus t-tells you everything about his m-missions or even his personal life. I mean, if t-that's the case, then you wouldn't even know if he actually cared about you or was staying b-because you push so obsessively h-hard, right?'

Sirius frowned, the first traces of anger showing on his face and frightening Peter a little. 'Remus loves me and I've never  _pushed_ him into anything, least of all revealing his secrets. The Order's requires us to be covert, especially in jobs like Remus's.'

'E-Exactly!' Peter exclaimed, his voice going pitchy from the apprehension that came with what he was doing, what he was suggesting. Perhaps he should have never started; what if Sirius rounded on him; what if they all did? Things could get out of hand. 'That's the way with Patricia and me. I don't love her like you do Moony, obviously, because you come up to a level that's sometimes manic and dangerous.' Seeing the murderous look on Sirius's face, Peter hastened to correct himself the best way he could, 'It's in a good way. I m-mean to say that she can have as many s-secrets as she likes and I'd still t-trust her.'

'Wormtail, you're-'

Sirius was cut off by Moody's head popping into his office fireplace and growling his name urgently, 'Emergency, Black! Grab all the interns and report to my office in five minutes! It's going to be a long night…'

Peter got up abruptly, thankful to the heavens for the sudden interruption. 'I guess I'll j-just go,' he said quickly, not quite meeting Sirius's eyes. Sirius was too busy with his cloak and his wand to notice Peter's obvious discomfort. 'I'll see you t-tonight, Padfoot.'

* * *

 

Sirius closed the door behind him and tiptoed into the house. He shifted the small chocolate cupcake into his right hand and lit the candle with a flick of his wand. The house was a mess: there were balloons and streamers everywhere and a lot of their sticking charms were starting to wear off; there were bits of what suspiciously looked like chips littering the floor and all their furniture had been pushed to the side to create a large empty space in the living room as a (Sirius presumed) makeshift dance floor. The television was on annoyingly loud and the only furniture that had been put back into place was the couch in front of it. Coincidentally, Sirius also found his favourite werewolf fast asleep on top of it.

Sirius mustn't have been as quiet as he thought he was being because Remus opened his eyes blearily when he sat on the couch. 'You came?' he asked in a voice which suggested that Remus thought he was still dreaming.

'I'm a little late though, aren't I?' Sirius asked sheepishly. He offered the cupcake in his hand to Remus as a peace offering. 'It's chocolate.'

Remus huffed moodily, blowing out the candle in the process. 'Lily's had sprinkles…and  _cream…'_

'Why aren't you in bed, Moony?' Sirius asked, gently pulling Remus's head into his lap. 'Were you waiting up for me?'

'Nu-uh,' Remus replied, burying his face into the warmth of Sirius's robes. 'Elphias had sex on our bed.'

Sirius chuckled softly. 'Camping on the sofa it is then. You're not upset, are you, Moony?' When Remus didn't reply, Sirius wound his fingers in Remus's honey brown hair, massaging and tugging gently. 'I tried to come, I really did, but you know how Moody is. I don't really blame him; things are getting really out of control.'

Sirius sighed heavily, taking a bite out of Remus's neglected birthday cupcake. 'I think I'm starting to believe Moody that there might be spies amongst us, you know. Do you remember we discussed about setting up protection for Liam Stille in one of the Order meetings? Dumbledore mentioned that Voldemort might be after him because he's sure to become Minister of Magic and he's damn good, too, isn't he?'

Remus snuffled, wrapping an arm around Sirius's waist. 'And we had a whole schedule set up, with different people on guard duty every night, except on Tuesdays because Stille spends all day in the office then and has enough people around him. We've been monitoring him for nearly two weeks now and nothing's happened, you know, despite Dumbledore going on and on about how much danger he was in.'

Sirius stopped stroking Remus's hair, resting his hand atop of his lover's head instead. 'He got attacked today, exactly when our defences were down. The bloke steps out for some tea at the local café and immediately gets cornered. His wife and kids are dead, and he's barely scraped through. On a sodding wheelchair, he is; hardly fit enough to sit straight, forget standing for Minister.'

'Fuck!' Sirius whispered, leaning his head against the sofa. 'Things are getting too complicated with this war. I don't want to think any of the Order members are spies, Moony; they're our friends. But no one else knew about this mission, you know. Do you reckon there is any muggle surveillance stuff in the Headquarters? You know, cameras and such things? It would make sense, too, wouldn't it?'

It was when Sirius didn't get an answer for his enormous tirade that he finally looked at his lover. Remus was fast asleep, head comfortably settled in Sirius's lap and legs sprawled all over the sofa and spilling outside.

Sirius smiled, finding Remus alluring even when he was snoring like a foghorn. 'Fine listener you are.' He rolled his eyes when Remus made a soft, displeased noise at the back of his throat as if sensing Sirius's half hearted reprimand. ''Night, birthday boy.'

* * *

 

April came and passed too quickly for anyone to notice. Sirius's workload was slowly piling up to an extent that was ridiculous for even an auror, nonetheless an intern. There were weekend shifts, missions from the Order, and even more missions from the DMLE. Some nights, he didn't even come home, camping out at the Ministry and returning at dawn for a bit of breakfast and a pinch of Remus.

Security in England had been tightened due to Moody's paranoia spreading across the Ministry, curfew had been shifted to eight instead of ten at night, and talks of Crouch becoming the new Minister were spreading. As if there weren't enough things to worry about, the Marauders personal lives and dreams were quickly fraying and falling apart.

James's parents had been attacked in the Potter Manor after Mr. Potter had published a paper on muggle-born rights. Luckily, both James and Lily had been visiting during the attack and while none of them escaped unscathed, they were all alive and the baby had been unhurt. James's dad, however, suffered permanent spell injuries that the healers said had to be avoided from happening again if he intended to live any longer. It was the second time James and Lily had defied Voldemort.

Remus, on the other hand, looked worse for the wear. He was constantly tired after his missions and rapidly losing hope on the werewolf population. Dumbledore had doubled the Order's efforts to recruit dark creatures into their side, now spreading to the vampires as well. Remus was the advocate for a majority of these missions and every time, he arrived a little too late and returned home with a defeated stance and the sick feeling in his stomach that only came from another failure. Curling up against Sirius and making love to him helped sometimes, but with both of them doing work for others, they rarely ever had time for themselves.

This time apart, however, only made their need for each other stronger, and they would cling to each other on the weekends spending every moment they had together and with their friends. Unfortunately, their time apart also had its downfalls; Sirius's insecurities regarding Remus's love for him were building, making him mull over Peter's words over and over again in his head until he would catch and scold himself for thinking things so stupid. Since when did he listen to Wormtail anyway?

_I mean, if t-that's the case, then you wouldn't even know if he actually cared about you or was staying b-because you push so obsessively h-hard, right?_

Remus loved him. Sirius knew that, even if they never told each other often. Sirius knew it, yet he doubted it. He doubted the love of the one person who'd give up his life for him. Sirius Black, epitome of overconfidence, doubted Remus. It was ridiculous.

_I don't love her like you do Moony, obviously, because you come up to a level that's sometimes manic and dangerous._

Sirius did not push. He did not. He was not obsessive and he was not manic. Being prepared to die for Remus did not justify anything that Peter said. Sirius would die as readily as for any of his friends, and he'd proved that countless times. He didn't know what Peter was insinuating with comments like that because Remus loved him – loves him – and would always be free to leave if he wanted to. Sirius hoped he wouldn't though; he'd go mad without his werewolf by his side.

Sirius turned on his side to face the sleeping figure of Remus, eyelids fluttering from the dream he was probably having. He reached out a trembling hand, gently tracing the curves of Remus's face, his eyes, his nose, the bow of his lip, and the softness of his cheek.

'Moony?'

Sirius carded his fingers through Remus's hair. 'Moony?' He bit his lip, hesitating, before shaking Remus by the shoulder. 'Remus?'

Remus whined, turning his back to Sirius and pulling the sheets closer.

'Remus?'

'WhatisitPa'foo'?' Remus mumbled unintelligibly.

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus, pulling him closer and burying his face into the nape of his neck. 'Remus, I love you.' He kissed the smooth skin of Remus's neck softly, lovingly, putting everything he felt – tenderness, devotion, even his insecurities - into that one gesture.

Remus groaned. 'Haf a wank, Pa'foo. 'M tired. Meetin' Dum'dore tomorr-ow.'

'That's not what I-' Sirius spluttered, appalled and embarrassed and indignant all at once. 'I wasn't trying to…I just wanted to tell you-'

Remus turned on his back to glare at Sirius with half closed eyes. 'Youwokemeup…'

'Yeah,' Sirius replied, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. He stroked Remus's jaw, pausing to cup it. 'Say it back.'

Remus's look got sterner. He checked the bedside alarm clock and huffed. 'Youmental.'

'Tell me!' Sirius cried, his hand clutching Remus's tightly, and his voice taking an unwanted desperate edge to it. He slapped himself mentally at the look of shock on Remus's face.

_You wouldn't even know if he actually cared about you or was staying b-because you push so obsessively h-hard._

'Sirius, I love you, okay?' Remus answered shakily, now completely awake. He let go of Sirius's hand to rub his eyes. 'What's wrong with you? Did you have a nightmare or something?'

Sirius lay back on his pillows, feeling utterly empty and lost. 'Or something.' He snickered as if he'd just made a joke and Sirius was sure Remus was looking at him like he'd gone crazy. 'Moony, you know,' he swallowed, looking at Remus in the eyes now, 'you know that I love you, right, but if you ever wanted to let go…'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Oh for the love of Merlin, Padfoot, if you wanted to break up with me, you could have at least had the decency to wait till the morning, after I'd had some breakfast in me!' Remus moved closer to Sirius, moulding himself into Sirius's side and resting his head on his shoulder. 'Now I'm awake  _and_ single.'

Sirius laughed, a little relieved for reasons he really didn't know. 'I love you.'

Remus closed his eyes and snuggled deeper. 'I'm still not having sex with you.'

Sirius smiled, adjusting slightly so that Remus's arms could wrap comfortably around him. 'Moony?'

'Hm?'

'Just so you know, I wouldn't die without you,' Sirius lied to himself and Remus as if he needed to prove something. As if he needed to know that Peter was wrong.

'Mm, I would, and I'd kill anyone who tried to take you away from me,' Remus replied serious and unhesitant, a note of finality in his voice. 'Now, sleep,' he finished, his usual tone of sarcasm and amusement back so quick that Sirius was sure he'd imagined Remus's previous statement.

The unsettling feeling of something being horribly wrong lessened that night, but never went away.

* * *

 

Sirius was having a spectacularly good day.

He was whistling, and singing, and dancing, and prancing, and twirling in a pink apron he'd gotten free with the self raising flour, and basically acting very much like Julie Andrews from the  _Sound of Music_. He was, in less polite words, being a complete ponce. It was justified, he thought, not because he was having a weekend off after a very long time; not because Remus was coming home from Dumbledore's soon; not even because his Godchild was due next month. No, Sirius thought it was justified because he really  _was_ , by nature, a complete and utter ponce and needed to connect with his inner ponciness once in a while for health purposes.

To celebrate this occasion of ponciness, however, Sirius decided learning to bake cookies for Lily and his Godchild from the  _Cooking for Housewives_ show would be a lovely idea. Lily was at a current stage where everything irritated her, made her grouchy, annoyed, hungry, and demanding. It was not as if she wasn't all those in normal circumstances, but she usually never had any upcoming babies to blame as she did now. Of course, nothing soothed such moods better than pure, unadulterated sugar which Sirius was had poured a packet full of in his mixing bowl.

These cookies were going to be the best ever; Sirius decided as he put the tray in the oven and turned the heat up. As a pure bred Black, he was naturally fantastic in potions, so by principle, he was to be fantastic at baking as well. Also, he thought proudly, he was dashing and manly enough to carry off a pink apron; something James could never do and would irritate him grandly.

Sirius smiled, brushing his hands on his trousers and leaning against the window. It was a good day for a weekend. The streets weren't too crowded, but there were just enough people to add life into their dreary little neighbourhood. The sun was shining brightly, complemented with a soft breeze that made leaves quiver ever so slightly and whistled through the cracks on the walls. It was a lovely day for a walk and perhaps Sirius would be able to persuade Remus to accompany him to the park before they went over to James and Lily's.

Speaking of the devil, Sirius could see Remus coming down the walkway, arms full of groceries. He grinned as bright as the sun and quickly changed into Padfoot, bounding down the stairs in his fastest speed. He was running so fast towards Remus that he was in danger of tripping over his limbs in excitement.

Padfoot barked.

'Hello, my pup,' Remus greeted, shifting his carrier bags to the other hand so that he could pet Padfoot. 'You're very excited today, aren't you?' Padfoot's tail wagged like a windmill, back and forth, fuelled by his joy of seeing Remus.

 _Remus,_ his little brain supplied,  _smelled nice. Earth. Man. Love. Chocolate._ And oh, he had treats inside the bag and he smelled happy, but he was worried.  _Why worry?_ Padfoot wondered.  _We should play._

Padfoot heard Remus laughing when he chased his tail. It sounded nice.

'Come here, love, come on,' Remus beckoned with his hand. They were nice hands: smooth and creamy and sweet, so Padfoot licked them affectionately. 'It's been ages since we've gone on a walk, hasn't it, and its such good weather today. Would you like that? Would you like to go out for a romp and play fetch somewhere.'

Padfoot's tail went out of control.

'Good boy,' Remus said and Sirius lolled his tounge out in joy.  _He was a good boy!_  Remus thought he was good! And then, Remus scratched his underbelly and  _oh, oh_ , Padfoot was in sheer, doggy bliss. He lay down on his back, legs spiraling and making pleased noises as Remus indulged in him.

Padfoot loved Remus. Remus's hands stopped and Padfoot loved Remus a little less. It was very displeasing.

'Come on then, you big mutt,' Remus said, chuckling and getting up from his knees. 'We'll drop off these groceries and come out again.'

Padfoot gently took one of the bags between his teeth, careful not to rip it. He could smell the food inside, along with minty toothpaste and spicy cologne. He trotted beside Remus obediently, hoping Remus would think he was a good dog and pet him again.

'Merlin,' Remus cried out suddenly, sounding very worried and stopping in front of their building. 'One of the flats is on fire. I do hope it's not poor old Mrs. Wicket. She's always overcooking things.'

Padfoot picked up his ears and sure enough, he could hear the faint sound of alarm bells ringing within the building. It wasn't very loud because it was old and overused from the number of false alarms that came with Mrs. Wicket's burnt fish and exploding cakes. No one in the building seemed to be taking it seriously either, staying in their flats, despite the various cries from people outside.

Padfoot looked up at the window where the curtains were aflame, his nose picking up the scent of burnt sugar. He looked at Remus questioningly, but Remus didn't seem to be paying any attention to him. Instead, he was looking up at their burning building and counting. It seemed an odd thing to do so Padfoot nudged him insistently with his snout. He whined when Remus still didn't look at him.

Padfoot's felt very upset and looked at Remus with wide, teary eyes.

'FUCKING HELL!' Remus screamed suddenly, startling Padfoot and making him drop the grocery bag between his teeth. 'THAT'S OUR FLAT!'

A part of Padfoot felt something very wrong about the situation, wondering if it was his fault. The other part wondered when Remus would play fetch with him.

'PADFOOT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BUT HAVE IT KNOWN THAT I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!'

Padfoot's tail fell. An old lady passing by glared at Remus and muttered something about cruelty towards animals and mental people blaming their problems on their dogs.

'FUCK! WHERE ARE THE DAMN FIREMEN WHEN YOU NEED THEM?'

Two hours later, Padfoot and Remus were standing in front of James's and Lily's new cottage, a few salvaged bags full of their things in each hand (or mouth if you considered Padfoot).

Remus had been very angry, still was in fact, and had demanded to see Sirius right at that moment. Sirius had only come out long enough to babble incoherently about sorry's, and cookies, and I love you's; but when Remus had started scolding him, Sirius had gone again and left Padfoot to be a bad dog. Padfoot didn't like being a bad dog.

In the end, Padfoot decided Remus was not as nice as he smelled. He whined pitifully when Remus refused to acknowledge him and rang the doorbell instead. Lily looked cheerful when the door opened and Padfoot's spirits lifted slightly. He looked up hopefully at her, hoping she would pet him and make him a good dog again.

'This is all your fault,' Remus grouched, inviting himself in and leaving Padfoot to follow, tail between his legs and ears flat on his head.

Remus was mean.

* * *

 

James, Sirius, Remus, and Frank Longbottom stood at the entrance to the shop, flabbergastered and speechless, just one step close to having their mouths hanging open.

Remus cleared his throat. 'So…'

Frank groaned. 'You know, when our wives sent us out for this, I thought it was going to be the easiest fucking thing on the planet.' A woman pushing a pram glared at Frank for his use of language.

'Look at all these things. I'll never know what to get!' James picked up something incredibly strap-y that neither of them could name. 'What is this? Is this even important?

Sirius and Remus shrugged. 'Maybe we should just stick to the clothing and toiletries,' Remus suggested thoughtfully. 'Couple of shirts, powder, and shampoo: stuff we use, I suppose.'

'If we use them, why can't our kids just share?' Frank asked, looking exasperated. He picked up a box of baby wipes and glared at it angrily. 'Why does my kid need something jasmine scented to wipe its bum with?'

James sighed. 'Those two are having fun at the baby shower with all those gifts while we're stuck in here.' He dumped baby diapers into his shopping cart. 'I bet it was a ploy to get us out.'

'As if we wanted to be there,' Sirius snorted. 'I just wanted a beer and some television, but the two of you had to drag me and Moony into this mess.'

Frank clapped Moony on the back apologetically. 'Mate, you are so lucky you and Sirius are not having kids.'

'And still we get stuck with the daddies and mummies,' Remus grouched, dumping Merlin knows what into James's cart. 'Padfoot, we need new friends.'

'Hey!' James cried, offended. 'We're still up for the beer! It's not like we've completely lost it!'

Sirius and Remus burst out laughing, unconsciously leaning against each other a little too close and stopping only when the four of them received an angry glare from the shopkeeper.

'It's only a matter of time until the two of you get hitched with a couple of mad women as well,' Frank scowled.

Sirius, Remus, and James barely controlled their laughter. 'It's not going to happen anytime soon, I assure you,' James chuckled.

'Hm,' Frank pondered over a rack of  _Madam Malkin's Little Robes for Little Wizards_. 'It's been a while since you've dated, hasn't it, Sirius. I mean, I understand Remus's problem, but you were quite the ladies' man back in Hogwarts. What happened?'

Sirius grinned. 'Lost interest, I suppose.'

James made a choking noise and had to distract himself with bottles of  _Magical Mess Removers_  to hide his red face. Remus patted him on his back a little too hard.

Frank snorted. 'Alice reckons it's because you're in  _love_.'

James looked like he was going to have a hernia. Sirius didn't pay any attention to him and simply smirked. 'Why would she say that?'

'Ah, you know women,' Frank said offhandedly, rolling his eyes and dumping a large unknown item into his cart. 'They have all these ridiculous notions of love and romance. There's a little fairytale spun out of gold for every bloke in the city.'

Sirius smiled at Remus knowingly and shook his head. 'Women.'

'Meadows has been head over heels for you, you know. Apparently, she's been practically flinging herself at you.'

Sirius's eyebrows rose in shock. 'Really? I hadn't noticed.' He looked at Remus questioningly, who looked back at him with an equally surprised expression.

'That's what I told her, too!' Frank exclaimed, nearly hitting James in the face. 'I told her we blokes are a bit dense when it comes to these things, so it's really a lot easier if someone just came and told it to our face or just kissed us.'

Sirius draped an arm round Remus's shoulders. 'Couldn't have said it better myself.'

'Alice refuses to listen, of course. So, she and Lily cooked up this pyjama party story about you keeping a dirty little secret in your bed.'

'Wait, Lily's on this as well?' James asked blinking, before bursting out into manic laughter again. 'Merlin, I love that woman!'

Frank looked at James as if he was crazy. 'So anyway, like all lovely stories, you're supposedly besotted to some hot little brunette with all the right curves in all the right places and a brain to accompany it.'

Remus spluttered, looking extremely offended. ' _Curves!'_

'I know! Tits and brains are the most impossible combination! Remember Felicia Sport?'

Remus looked ready for murder. ' _Tits!_ I'll kill Lily _,'_  he muttered under his breath, unconsciously smoothing a hand over his chest. 'Tits, indeed.'

Sirius grinned and his hand fell away from Remus's shoulders,  _accidently_  brushing his bum. 'I wouldn't say it's an impossible combination, Frank, but very rare and  _very_  fuckable.'

Remus blushed red, looking sideways in an attempt to change the subject. 'Do you think Lily needs these cummerbund things? I wonder what they're for anyway…'

'So,' James said, panting from laughing so hard. 'If this bird's so great, why's Sirius hiding her? I'd show her off, wouldn't I?' He looked at Sirius and winked.

Frank shrugged. 'Ask Alice. She'll probably come up with another tale about the girl being a vampire or something.'

Remus sniffed grumpily. 'Vampires aren't even half as friendly. They're dead, and they smell, and they're always angry.'

Sirius grinned, patting Remus's head affectionately and letting his hand linger for a while. 'Change the story to a werewolf, won't you, Frank. Moony's not too fond of the vampires; they give him indigestion.'

'Sure, werewolf, dragon, hinkypunk, whatever works for you, mate. Hey, look, they even have little toy wands!' Frank read the instructions behind the box. 'Anyway, point is, Alice has gone completely mental and she's taking me down with her.'

Sirius leaned closer to Remus, brushing their shoulders and fingers together lightly. 'She's a smart woman, Frank. I say, cut her a bit of slack and let her have some fun. What do you say, Moony?' he said, breathing against Remus's cheek.

Remus kicked James on the shin moodily. 'I say she needs to pay attention to details.'

* * *

 

Remus sighed heavily, looking through the third of the many muggle papers. They'd been living with James and Lily for over a month now and still hadn't been able to find an appropriate flat either because it was too small, too big, too pricey, too far away, and so on and so forth. Sirius could see him getting agitated and laid a comforting hand over Remus's in hope of soothing some of his anger away. Remus had been angry for a very long time now. Not because Sirius had burnt their flat and gotten them kicked out; Remus could never stay angry with Sirius for very long; but there were other things that was pressurising him. Things that mostly involved the war, the missions, and Sirius knew that Remus constantly worried about both.

Sirius looked at James and Lily who were making breakfast at the counter, wondering if they could see the frustration in Remus as well as he did. Lily was an incredibly perceptive woman, but sometimes looked past the simplest of emotions in an attempt to look deeper and overanalyse situations.

'I think we should go for the last one we visited,' Remus said softly, hands threading through his bed hair. 'It had a nice balcony and there's a park a few blocks away from it that Padfoot would love.'

Sirius brought Remus's hand to his lips. 'I like living here, Moony, and you're trying too hard. You need to take a break.'

Remus smiled. 'I will. Dumbledore said there might not be any werewolf missions this month. Word's spreading about my arrival and he reckons Voldemort might try to stop me.'

Sirius's grip on Remus's hand tightened. His jaw twitched slightly, but he resisted the urge to go screaming bloody murder into Dumbledore's office. He was about to say something when Lily slipped two plates of soldiers and eggs in front of them.

'I hope you're not looking through the papers for another flat again, Remus,' Lily warned, slipping into the seat beside Sirius.

Remus shrugged. 'I don't want to impose for much longer.'

'Psh,' James said, sitting beside Lily and sipping his tea. 'It's great having you guys here. It's like the old Hogwarts days again.'

'Mm,' Lily nodded. 'Besides, I've never had people helping around the house before.' She glared at James pointedly.

'Yes, these few days of surrendering to your every need, buying ice cream at three in the morning, painting the baby room each time you changed your mind about the colour, and carrying all your heavy shopping bags have been the highlight of our lives,' Sirius commented sarcastically.

James grinned. 'Saved me a lot of trouble.'

'I still think the baby room should be yellow,' Lily said, scrunching up her face. 'Pink is so… _sexist!'_

'But, Lily, baby girls need pink rooms!' James whined, flinging a piece of bread at Remus's head by mistake.

Remus snorted and wiped his face. 'And you're worried about your  _room_  being sexist.'

'I'm not painting that place again!' Sirius scowled, sending another piece of egg flying across to Remus's head. 'My arm's still sore from the last time. Besides, the colour goes nicely with the crib.'

Remus wiped his face again with a napkin.

'But the cupboard doesn't match at all!' Lily argued so vehemently that her eggs flew off her fork as well and landed with flourish, yet again, on Remus.

'You know, this food flinging thing is really not nice,' Remus commented, cleaning his face again and sure that no one was really paying attention to him.

'I heard Alice Longbottom gave birth to a son at two in the morning,' Sirius said, 'you think him and our little girl could end up playmates?'

'I heard they named him something awful,' James said, making a face. 'Nendell or something.'

'Neville, James,' Lily corrected.

'Whatever. Our little Harriet's too good for him. She's going to be the Quidditch star of the century, you just wait and watch. She's going to be the youngest player to make it to the World Cup.'

Sirius made a face. 'You're calling her Harriet? It sounds a bit wussy, doesn't it?'

'It's my dead grandmother's name,' Lily replied angrily.

Sirius and Remus coughed. 'Harriet is lovely name, Lily,' Remus said, smiling weakly.

'James wanted to call her Quaffle,' Lily said defiantly.

James blushed red. 'I did not! I wanted to call her Blaze, like fire!'

'Like that's so much better!'

'I think it's rather fetching,' Sirius commented and withered as soon as Lily shot him a glare. 'Of course, Harriet is a very lady like name. Very dignified, I'm sure.'

'My grandmother was-' Lily stopped, her face taking a horrified expression and her fork falling from her hands.

'Lily, honey, are you alright?'

Lily looked down and went as bright red as her hair. 'I think the baby might be coming.'

* * *

 

'Okay, Lily, smile for the camera!' Peter squealed excitedly, aiming Remus's camera in front of a very red faced, very angry Lily Potter.

'Are you joking?' Lily screamed while simultaneously trying to push. 'Tell me he's joking!'

'Mrs. Potter, you need to calm down and concentrate,' the Mediwitch said gently. They'd long forgotten her name in the excitement of the baby finally coming after nine long months.

'I'M CALM!' Lily screamed, grabbing the Mediwitch by the scruff of her shirt and shaking her violently. 'CAN'T YOU SEE? I'M CALM!'

Remus didn't think Lily seemed very calm. It was a given really, considering that the tiny hospital room was crowded by all four, very excited, and hyperactive Marauders, a flustered Mediwitch, a very peeved Healer, and a woman in so much pain, she seemed like she was dying.

'I think I see the head!' James cried, practically jumping on the balls of his feet. James had been excited and anxious since the morning to the point where his face was as red and sweaty as Lily's. All the other Marauders followed him to go see the first glimpse of their Godchild and niece respectively.

'UP! UP WHERE MY HEAD IS! ALL OF YOU!' Lily screamed, breathing heavily. Her hair had come out of her bun and her eyes were wild, making her look very much like a mad woman.

The Marauders scrambled to the head of the bed, wary of Lily's wrath and not looking forward to angering her any further.

'Just a couple more, Mrs. Potter, and we're done,' the Healer assured, as Lily screamed murder from pain and frustration. There were tears pooling at the corner of her eyes, and James, in a moment of complete love and devotion for her, wiped them away gently.

'You can do it, Lily-flower!' Sirius cheered.

'Remus, tell your mutt to shut up right now before I KILL HIM!'

Remus spluttered, looking around anxiously at the Healer and the Mediwitch to see if they'd caught the meaning behind her words. Luckily, they seemed unaffected by Lily's temper tantrum and were focusing hard on simply getting the baby out. Remus looked at Sirius who had momentarily frozen as well, but seemed to recover when Remus smiled softly at him. Sirius grinned cheekily and winked.

'Congratulations on your first child, Mr. and Mrs. Potter,' the Healer said, holding a very loud and dirty baby up and smiling.

Everyone stared in awe, silence reigning over the hospital room for the first time except for Lily's laboured breathing. Finally, Sirius seemed to find the words to speak. 'Mate, Harriet's got a penis.' Remus made a choking noise that sounded half way through a laugh and an attempt to retch.

James did a shining impression of a fish and used the hospital bed stand as support. He looked about to faint as he watched the Mediwitch clean and wrap up a very pink Harriet and his very un-girly parts.

'I told you the walls should have been yellow.'

* * *

 

Remus woke up at five in the morning to the sounds of the baby crying yet again. He felt Sirius groan loudly and bury his face into Remus's arm.

Come on, Padfoot,' Remus sighed dejectedly, 'it's our turn to feed Harry.' He nudged Sirius gently with his elbow.

'I don' haf breasts,' Sirius mumbled into Remus's skin. 'Go ask Lily.'

Remus rolled his eyes, pushing Sirius away to sit up. 'There's milk in the fridge. Come on, Padfoot, we promised Prongs and Lily we'd help out.'

Sirius looked about to cry. Neither of them had gotten much sleep for the past few days. 'That kid is some sort of spawn from hell,' he sobbed. 'What is wrong with him? Is he broken? Did those pink walls finally vapourise his brain?'

Remus yawned and scratched his back idly. 'Just summon the milk and let's get over with this.'

Both of them walked to the baby room, still a lovely baby pink with stars painted on the ceiling. Harry was crying noisily, wailing and flailing; his eyes were scrunched up tight and his face red. Karma had come and bit James back in the arse and his young son was now dressed in a white baby pyjama set with pink flowers and snitches on them. They were, by far, the oddest pair of clothing Harry had to date; this was including the sick green bobble hat Petunia had gifted Lily on her baby shower.

'Is he supposed to cry this much?' Remus asked, warming the milk and testing it on his hand.

Sirius picked Harry up, rocking him gently to soothe him. 'Merlin knows. I didn't really care for Regulus much when he was born. Kreacher took care of both of us mostly.'

Remus hade a disgusted face and handed Sirius the bottle. 'You poor sods.'

Sirius shrugged, tilting the bottle further as Harry drank hungrily. 'Regulus grew quite attached to him, I'll never know why. I hated that elf to bits, but then again, old Reg was always a bit of a softie as a child.'

Remus hummed, not sure what to say to Sirius's sudden bout of nostalgia; Sirius's family was a sensitive topic and rarely ever talked about among them.

Sirius handed Harry to Remus who took over the duty of rocking him and patting his back gently until he let out a little burp.

'Cute little bugger when he's quiet, isn't he?' Sirius smiled, resting his head upon Remus's shoulder once it was empty and Harry had been put to bed again.

'Horrible hair; like a tiny version of James,' Remus commented, carding his fingers through Sirius's own dark hair.

'I still love him. Does that sound stupid to you, Moony?' Sirius asked, turning to look at Remus. 'That I hardly know this little person, but I already love him silly?'

Remus shook his head. 'He's adorable, even after he's shat on all of us and vomited at least twice on my best robes.'

Sirius let out a little puff of air, making Remus's hair flutter. He wrapped both arms around Remus in a prolonged hug and rested his cheek against the side of his lover's hair. 'We can never have that, you know. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've never wanted a kid until now.'

Remus closed his eyes, unconsciously swaying their bodies.

'I'm so tired of living through James and Lily,' Sirius said quietly, as if it was something forbidden. 'Didn't you ever want a sprog of your own, Moony?'

Remus shrugged, feeling his throat closing up. 'I couldn't do that to a child; not with my lycanthropy. It's too…' he trailed off, unable to say anything more.

'I asked you if you wanted one, not if it was morally allowed.'

Remus looked at Harry through the corner of his eyes, black hair standing at odd ends and his tiny chest rising and falling softly. 'My dad gave up his whole life to have me. I think…I think there might be something to it…'

Sirius laughed bitterly. 'Yeah, maybe, but we're only still boys, aren't we? Little boys trying to be little men: getting married, having kids; neither of us is really ready for anything that's thrown at us. I caught James tearing up yesterday because he thought there was something wrong with Harry.'

Remus moved closer to Sirius, trying to disappear into the warmth of his skin. 'James is an only child. So, he's a little scared, is all.'

'Isn't everyone, of one thing or another?' Sirius kissed behind Remus's ear softly. 'I know you are. You're trying to hide it, but I can see it in your eyes all the time. What are you scared of, Moony?'

Remus tried to move away from Sirius but was held tightly.

'Why won't you tell me? Don't you trust me?' Sirius tucked Remus's hair behind his ears, caressing his cheeks and pulling up his chin so that their eyes met. 'Don't you love me?'

Remus's amber eyes bored into Sirius. 'I'm not scared, Padfoot; I'm terrified.' His hand ran up Sirius's back, drawing circles at the nape of his neck. 'I'm terrified of losing.'  _You, Prongs, Lily, Harry, Wormtail, my mother, my aunt, so many, so many…_

Sirius caught Remus's lips in a gentle kiss, holding him close and cupping his cheeks lovingly. 'Me, too,' he whispered as they parted.

* * *

 


	39. Fall To Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

**It is said that when a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another. We never truly appreciate the weight of our actions and how the tiniest details can create a hurricane of change. The smallest changes in our present can have a drastic and phenomenal change on our future; can create worlds and destroy them; can bring down great forces and elevate the rest; can recover loves lost and make heroes out of convicted criminals. That is where we start; at the very eye of the hurricane:**

_**December 1980…** _

_**Everyone had seen the end coming – the final falling out of Remus and Sirius. The process had been gradual; it had simply started with the loss of casual touches. Sirius and Remus eventually stopped brushing hands when they walked together; stopped entwining their legs under the dinner table; stopped using every joyous occasion as an excuse to hug each other a little longer, a little closer.** _

_**Back then, the change hadn't been too noticeable, not even to Remus and Sirius, but then started the arguments. The time apart from each other and Remus's long absences were starting to put pressure on their already strained relationship. They still loved each other, but could no longer find the time to share their thoughts and feelings as they did back then. The disagreements only grew worse with time to a point where they no longer needed a reason to be shouting at each other.** _

_**No one could tell you how it had actually happened, not really. Very few knew about Remus and Sirius's relationship to start with, and those few had always considered their bond as solid as rock. Of course, there was one person who could always give you a small percentage of the reason: Peter Pettigrew.** _

_**Perhaps, things wouldn't have been so bad between Remus and Sirius if it hadn't been for Peter's constant tales to Sirius. Seven years of living with Sirius had taught Peter Sirius's utmost weaknesses: his utter faith in everything his closest friends said, his need to know everything that involved his loved ones, and his hatred for the Dark Arts.** _

_**Peter had never had to think as hard as he did during that one year. Sirius could easily confront Remus about any lies Peter told him, so he had to twist the truth; hint at Remus's faults without pushing too hard; but mostly, he had to use Remus's condition as a tool.** _

_**It had started with only one simple suggestion, but as the suspicion within the Order began to grow, so did Peter's desperation to save his own precious skin. What had started out as a simple diversion tactic had turned into an enormous rift between Remus and Sirius.** _

_**Peter had never wanted them to break up. He hadn't. He had never dreamt that his words could have that strong an effect on their relationship. If he had known, perhaps, he would have limited himself a bit more. Perhaps, he would have blamed all the Order mishaps on someone else other than Remus. Sometimes, Peter lay awake at night, wondering what it was that he'd said that had finally broken the straw. What had been the end of the line for Remus and Sirius?** _

Sirius was kneeling behind the hedge, his fists clenched tight enough to bleed and his body shaking so hard that he looked about to break. He would have screamed and shouted and fought with his fists instead of his wand had it not been for Caradoc Dearborn restraining and holding him back by both shoulders.

'Look, Yates, just take it all in, right? Don't think about it, especially not in front of the Dark Lord,' whispered the Death Eater (whom none of them recognised). 'It's not worth it. It's not worth losing your life over, and you've got a family to take care of now.'

The Death Eater called Yates rubbed his face beneath his mask. 'You don't know if that's what really happened to Regulus, Manson. We have nothing to prove that he's really dead.'

Sirius could feel his face getting hot, his teeth clenching and unclenching. He needed to get out, he needed to hit something, to scream and scream and scream.

'Look, Yates, Black was getting truly out of control. It wasn't the first time he'd slipped up, you know, but the Dark Lord gave him chances to prove himself. The boy's always been reluctant and he deliberately went and defied the Lord. None of us know what he did, but the Lord's word is enough conviction, I think.'

Sirius's head was going to burst any moment. Dearborn's hand was over his mouth and Sirius's bit into it angrily. The hand didn't even flinch, and Sirius, had he been in his right mind, would have been eternally grateful to Dearborn for keeping him in control.

 _His brother_. His baby brother: dead; murdered for wanting a way out. Why hadn't he come to Sirius? If he had wanted out, why hadn't he just come to him?

'Snape's confirmed it, too, and we all know that there's no one the Lord trusts more than him. He uses the Lestranges' obsession as a tool, but we all know that Snape is the only one the Lord truly confides to.'

 _Snape._ Sirius should have known that Snape would somehow be behind this. Had there been other Death Eaters as well? Had there been people other than Yates and Manson watching his brother as he died? Killing him, murdering him for wanting to be free?

Dearborn squeezed Sirius's shoulder painfully. 'Sirius, I'm going to apparate you somewhere close to home. I need you to get some rest. I'll explain the rest to Moody, do you understand?'

A sudden thought came onto him. Had Remus been a part of it? What if Peter had been right?

' _I don't think he's going into any more missions, Padfoot. Dumbledore's always mentioning how dangerous it is for him, but he comes out unscathed every time.'_

Sirius hadn't cared if Remus was a Death Eater. He had punched Peter the first time he had come close to suggesting it and then accepted it as the evidence got more obvious and the absences more clear. He still hadn't cared. Remus could have been Lord Voldemort himself, and Sirius wouldn't have stopped loving him. Sirius would have let him get away with anything, except  _this…_

'Black, I brought you as close to the cottage as I could. Can you make it there by yourself?'

Remus wouldn't do something like that to him, he wouldn't. Remus knew how Sirius felt about his family, about his baby brother. Remus knew exactly where it would hit hardest…

' _He keeps too many secrets, Sirius, and talks about none. Why doesn't he trust us? What's he trying to hide?'_

When had all this happened? When had his brother died? Last year? This year? This month? Had it been the day Remus had made love to him silently, not wanting to talk but just to feel skin against skin? Had Remus touching him so hesitantly been a sign of apology; of regret?

' _How easy is it to lose your mind, Padfoot? To prejudice; to desperation; to need?'_

Sirius took out the letter he'd received from James from his pocket. He'd received it back in the office, but had been called to the mission and unable to read it. It seemed to be written in haste, James's already untidy handwriting looking almost unintelligible:

_Padfoot,_

_Harry's ill, so we're a little busy today. I heard you might be working a late shift tonight from Arthur. If you are, send me a reply, and me and Wormtail will somehow manage to accompany Moony on tonight's full moon. Otherwise, I need to stay home and take care of Harry._

_If you make it, tell Moony I'm really sorry and hope he isn't hurt too badly. Let me know as soon as you can._

_Prongs_

Sirius reread the letter, not having caught most of it at first glance. He later figured it was because his hands had been shaking violently the whole time. He looked around for the first time since they'd apparated and realised that Dearborn had apparated Sirius directly to Remus's transforming grounds rather than their flat. They'd lived in the small abandoned cottage temporarily while searching for a flat. It was where Remus transformed now, and Sirius could already see the padlocks on the door sealed secure.

He looked up then, watching the moon come out from in between the clouds and hearing familiar howls of pain that came along with it.

Sirius tore the letter to pieces and disapparated.

* * *

 

Sirius got up early next morning when the need for food had gotten too strong to ignore or sleep off. He padded bare feet into the kitchen, still sleepy eyed and exhausted, so much so that he'd nearly tripped over the fallen figure of his lover on the floor. As Sirius's eyes burst open in shock and took in the sight of Remus, last night's ordeal came rushing back to him. He backed away slightly, holding on to the kitchen counter to steady himself.

_Regulus was dead._

Remus was bleeding a steady stream of red all over the clean kitchen tiles, blood pooling underneath his stomach and legs. There were scratches and bites all over his body, some that looked fatal and others that revealed the flesh and bones underneath. Remus must have apparated into the apartment and fainted from exertion.

Sirius felt bile rise at the back of his throat, guilt and pressure threatening to overwhelm him. He quickly summoned his wand, kneeling beside Remus on the floor where the blood as yet to reach. He tried to wipe the blood off Remus's face with his hand, but only managed to smear it more so that the face beneath was completely unrecognisable. Sirius had only seen Remus this cut up once after a transformation and that had been a long time ago.

'I would have done anything for you, Remus,' Sirius whispered, fingering Remus's blood crusted hair. 'I would have given you my life, my body, my soul; anything that you asked for would have been yours.'

Sirius closed his eyes, clutching his wand so tight that it was in danger of breaking. It would be easy now, with Remus laid prone and defenceless before him. It would be so easy to kill him, to take the revenge Sirius deserved to have. He didn't even need to whisper a spell; he could just leave Remus here to bleed to death. The Ministry would never question him, not for killing a werewolf.

Sirius's wand hand shook, still aimed at Remus's heart, poised and ready to be fired. 'Fuck you, Remus,' Sirius cried softly, feeling his resolve faltering and his voice cracking. 'Fuck you!' He flicked his wand violently, sending sparks of red flying to Remus's chest and making his whole body jerk violently upwards.

* * *

 

Remus woke up with a groan to the soft cling and clatter of cutlery and plates being rearranged at his bedside table. He could hardly open his eyes from the pain that was shooting through him, but knew it was Sirius there at the bedside table; Sirius making a fuss over potions and food like he did every month; Sirius sounding very upset.

Remus wondered what he did this time. Sirius's bad moods seemed to always be Remus's fault one way or another. It could be trivial things, as small as Remus leaving dirty dishes in the sink to Remus coming home late again. Remus didn't mind taking in the brunt, not really, because sometimes, he took his anger and frustration out on his lover as well. It seemed like the only way to deal with the war now.

Still, Remus must have done something really horrible this time for Sirius to miss the transformation. Sirius never missed a transformation, not even on the days he had to work late. It was the one thing that had brought and kept them and the Marauders together. The wolf last night had been angered _(hurt)_  by the absence of its companions, to a point where it blamed Remus because it didn't have the intelligence to blame itself.

'Here, drink this,' a hand lifted him by the neck gently and poured liquid down his throat; Blood Replenishing potion and a touch of whisky to dull the pain. It worked.

Remus opened his eyes slowly after he was lowered back to the bed, only to see Sirius's turned back to him. 'How are you feeling?' Sirius asked roughly; his voice sounded forced, pained, broken.

Remus replied, his own throat feeling raw and disused, 'Hurts.' He wasn't talking about the physical aspect of the pain.

'I know,' Sirius said, still not turning back to face Remus. He was rummaging around with the tray of potions, pouring, and decanting, and doing things that were mostly unnecessary but kept his hands busy.

Remus sat up gingerly, trying not to put too much weight on his bandaged arm. For a second, he considered reaching out and touching Sirius but decided not to. The days when he could touch Sirius whenever he wanted to without his lover freezing up were long gone. Sirius seemed a lot more… _guarded_ …around him now.

'Why didn't you come?' Remus braved to ask. He quelled down the part of him that was wolf; that demanded an explanation for being abandoned. 'I knew you were there; I felt you. Why did you walk away?' His tone came out accusing towards the end and Remus wished it hadn't when he saw Sirius's back stiffening.

'Why should I have come?' Sirius asked, his hand pausing over an unlabeled bottle. 'Is it a rule? Is it necessary that I be there to hold your hand for you every, single transformation?'

Remus frowned, not knowing what to say.

'Maybe I didn't want to come,' Sirius continued, his voice lowering to a dangerous pitch. 'Maybe I didn't want to spend my time slaving over a werewolf.'

Remus knew Sirius was being hurtful on purpose; knew that he didn't really mean anything he said but just needed a channel for his anger. Yet, despite knowing all that, he couldn't control his own defensiveness and fury when he bit back, 'You never had any problems fucking one!'

Sirius whirled around to look him in the face for the first time. 'It was  _cheap_ ,' he spat venomously, 'and convenient.'

For some reason, the blow really hurt. Remus was supposed to throw it off like anything else Sirius ever said in a fit of anger, but he couldn't. Sirius had hit too hard and too deep, and Sirius himself seemed to realise it when he saw Remus's wounded expression.

'Remus, I didn't mean that,' Sirius explained, looking truly apologetic. 'I just…I was  _so_ angry and I-'

'I'm sorry,' Remus interrupted. It was the first time he had apologised during any of their arguments. 'I'm sorry.'

Sirius looked at him, a glint of something in his eyes that Remus wished he could read. 'What for?' he asked suspiciously. It was as if he was expecting Remus to admit to some dastardly deed.

Remus shrugged, looking down when the pain at looking at Sirius became too much and too tight. 'I don't know.'

'Then don't be,' Sirius replied tightly, the anger coming back into his voice. 'Don't mock me with your empty apologies, Remus. It just makes things worse.'

Remus didn't know what he was talking about. It made him furious, of course it did; the way Sirius always blamed him for everything; the way they'd somehow always end up fighting whenever they were together. It made him angry that he was always the one who had to control himself and watch his words while Sirius didn't, simply because it was accepted as part of his nature.

Remus had never felt as tired as he did right then. 'What do you want from me, Sirius?'

Sirius got off the bed, walking to their window and keeping a steady gaze outside. What he was looking at, Remus would never know, because the lack of noise told him that the streets were probably empty at this time of morning.

Sirius sighed heavily. 'I think, Remus, that this should end. Whatever we have between us; it's not working anymore.'

The statement had hit harder than a ton of bricks. So hard that Remus, for a while, could do nothing but stare at his hands, speechless and horrified. It was like his worst fears coming true; like his whole world crashing down at his feet: everything he'd built and depended upon was suddenly being taken away from him. Remus didn't move, couldn't; it hurt too much. It hurt in his chest, his head, his arms, his feet; it closed his throat and choked him of all his oxygen; it killed that one strand of hope and soul he'd been hanging on to throughout this war.

Remus had expected it, but still had never seen it coming.

'I think,' Sirius continued, now fingering the drapes and twisting them around his fingers. 'I think, I would like to remember you as someone I loved rather than someone I'd grown to hate.'

Silence reigned between them for what felt like years, and Remus used that time to control himself, to kill any emotions he had and become the steady rock that people had come to know him to being. 'I understand,' Remus whispered after a long time, amazed at how stable his voice sounded despite his insides withering. 'I'll leave today…now if you want me to.'

'You don't have to leave,' Sirius said softly, his hands slipping from the drapes. 'There's another room.' He leaned his head against the glass, and Remus could tell by the way he breathed heavily upon it that Sirius didn't really want him to stay. The offer was just a formality, something to balance Remus during his crippled state of unemployment and poverty. 'You can stay there.'

'I don't think I can,' Remus replied, twisting in the bed to find the best way to get up without hurting himself too much. His body ached all over but when his feet finally hit the floor, Remus felt compelled to look at Sirius one last time. 'Will you help me pack?' he asked, wishing Sirius would turn towards him, could at least bring himself to look Remus in the eye. 'That is, if you don't hate me too much.'

Sirius nodded once, his fingers now skating over the ridges of the window frame, but his eyes still fixed firmly outside. 'Drink your tea first.'

Remus stared at the tea cup on the bedside table. It was starting to coagulate on the surface from staying out too long and cooling too quickly. He didn't really want any, but years of tradition had registered tea and cigarettes in his brain as something to calm his nerves. It only took a small sip before Remus started feeling dizzy again and fell into the bed backwards. Vaguely, he reprimanded himself for not having smelled the Dreamless Sleep potion Sirius had poured in his tea before drinking it…

* * *

 

James stepped over the debris of various broken furniture and plates that littered the floor, suddenly feeling worried and anxious. 'Padfoot!' It didn't look like a Death Eater pattern of attack, but you never knew nowadays. 'Moony!'

He sped up now, kicking most of the things that came in his path. Sirius and Remus's flat was a wreck, looking as if it had been hit by the hurricane or very explosive magic. He hoped neither of his friends had been hurt in anyway; he didn't know what he would do if they were.

Suddenly, James heard laughter from inside one of the rooms and quickened his pace, nearly tripping over the shattered television set on the way. He found Sirius sitting there, wrapped haphazardly in bed sheets that had been pulled off the bed itself. Their bedside table had been overturned, the drawers pulled out and everything else thrown in different corners of the room. The picture didn't seem to disturb James as much as Sirius himself did.

Sirius was laughing.

He was laughing maniacally as if he'd been poisoned by laughing gas or subjected to a tickling charm that had gone horribly wrong. He was laughing with his head tilted to the side and resting on his shoulder in an angle that seemed painfully impossible; his eyes had rolled to the back of his head and his hair had fallen mostly to the right side of his face in a tilt making him look insane.

'Sirius?' James approached him tentatively, not sure what to do or say. 'Sirius, what happened here?' God, where was Remus? James hoped he was safe; that the transformation hadn't been too bad for him.

Sirius seemed to notice James's presence only after James had kneeled close to him. He stopped laughing for a while, blinking and looking at James as if he'd never seen him before. His jaw twitched momentarily before he broke into a crazy grin. 'He's gone!' Sirius cried, voice breaking towards the end. 'He went while I was asleep, and he didn't even care! He didn't even fight for me!' Sirius started laughing again, but this time there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

James placed a hand on Sirius's shoulder, a sudden dread filling him. He didn't need to know who  _he_ was; Remus of course. Something had happened to Remus; the transformation had gone wrong and it was all because of James. All because James and Peter had been too busy to come and help. _Merlin, please let him be alright, please let him be alive…_

'Sirius, please, tell me what happened! Remus, where's Remus? Sirius, tell me!'

Sirius shook his head, side to side, muttering more to himself than James. 'I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate him for making me love him. I should have never-'

James wished Sirius would tell him something, anything, to calm his own beating heart. Remus couldn't be dead, could he? Transformations were never usually that bad for him, and Sirius always knew what to do for the rough ones, didn't he?

'Sirius, please!'

'FUCK HIM!' Sirius suddenly burst out, startling James back. 'FUCK HIM AND HIS STUPID VOLDEMORT! HE KILLED MY BROTHER! HE KILLED MY BROTHER AND I COULDN'T KILL HIM! FUCK THAT BLOODY TRAITOR!' Sirius panted, his chest heaving and eyes wild. His face was twisted in a pained expression, his skin turning from pale to a very sickly, unhealthy colour.

James looked at him, shocked speechless and cautiously crawling towards him. 'Sirius?'

Sirius looked at James, smiled and shrugged. 'He's gone,' he said casually, before retching all over the floor and James's shoes.

* * *

 

The bell rang for a second time and Nash quickened her steps, grumbling about how Del always made guests do all the work around the house. 'Hold on, I'm coming, you bastard!'

She didn't understand why she had to answer the door; it wasn't as if it was her house though Delilah Lupin would say so otherwise. She spent so much time in the Lupin cottage that she was one short step away from actually living there. It wasn't really her fault; she was lonely half the time and got through more boyfriends than she probably did underwear. It was only logical to spend time watching movies and chatting away into the night with another desolate soul. Besides, Delilah seemed to be deteriorating through loneliness and Natasha tried to make it a point to take care of her as often as possible.

'Nash, who is it?' Del called out from the living room, where she was busy surfing all two hundred of her useless channels.

Nash opened the door cheerfully only to find her face fall at the sight of her only nephew standing in front of her with a rather large trunk supported behind him. His presence was disconcerting to her for many reasons; to start with, neither of them had seen him for nearly a year after Del and his quarrel.

Remus looked terrible: his pupils rimmed red, dark shadows under his eyes, and cheeks sunken in even though he looked otherwise well fed and healthy. He was trembling violently underneath his heavy coat and jumper, his knees looking weak enough to give away. A second later, she realised that he was leaning heavily against the doorframe for support.

'I didn't know where else to go,' Remus whispered, his voice sounding hoarse and scratchy as if he'd been screaming for too long.

Nash, still gobsmacked by his sudden appearance, could only move aside to let him in.

Remus looked at her for a moment as if hesitating and unsure of himself. He only stepped in when Nash nodded and muttered a soft 'come in, love'. The trunk handle slipped out of his grasp and fell to the floor with a loud 'thud' as Remus dragged it in inside; yet, her nephew seemed not to have noticed. He continued to walk as if in a trance, hand still clutching the air which his trunk had occupied only moments ago. He didn't seem to be in the right state of mind, and Nash worried over what could have happened.

She quickly locked the door, reactivating any security spells that Remus may have disabled, before she levitated Remus's trunk into the living room. She found Remus standing by the couch Del was sitting upon, both staring at each other with expressions of shock (in case of Del) and sheer misery.

'I'll go first thing tomorrow morning, I promise,' Remus said with a weak voice, and Nash assumed that he and his mother had been talking before she'd come in. 'You'll never know I was here.'

Nash felt her heart break into a million pieces and she looked at Del to find her mirroring the sentiment. Del beckoned Remus with her hand, grasping his wrist and pulling him to her when he didn't respond. Delilah swallowed for a moment as if trying to gather her words.

'Baby, what happened?' Del asked shakily, smoothing his hair out of his face, 'Remus, what's wrong?'

Remus shook his head, his entire body now trembling within his mother's arms. 'I'm fine,' he said, the crack in his voice betraying his statement.

Del looked at Nash pleadingly and almost out of instinct, Nash summoned a blanket from upstairs. She sat down on the other side of Remus, helping Del unbutton his grime covered coat and take off his shoes and socks. The whole time, Remus sat on the sofa completely impassive and oblivious to what was happening around him.

'You're staying here, Remus,' Nash said sternly as she wrapped the blanket tightly around him. 'Don't you dare run away in the morning, am I understood?'

Remus swayed and for a moment, Nash was sure he was going to fall, but he simply laid his head in his mother's lap, his face buried deep within the warm cloth of her dressing gown. Nash thought she heard Remus whimper something but confined it to her imaginations, widening the sofa to fit in his long legs instead.

Nash and Del exchanged worried looks.

Del had started petting Remus's hair softly in an attempt to soothe him while Nash searched for any visible signs of injury. She knew she wouldn't find any; Remus's didn't look physically wounded, but it was a small hope.

'Baby,' Del whispered, affectionately kissing Remus's hair. 'Remus, please tell me what's wrong? What happened to you?' Her tone bordered on frantic when Remus shuddered against her and both women knew that he was barely suppressing tears. 'Remus, did anyone hurt you?'

Remus broke.

Soft sobs pressed into his mother's stomach, hands loosely gripping the cloth of her gown. He made no visible sounds, didn't turn to show his face, hardly moved beyond the gentle shake of his shoulders. A casual observer would notice nothing different about Remus, but for the women who had literally nurtured him and watched him grow, it was a heart wrenching sight. Especially because they knew that Remus didn't want to cry; that he wouldn't have if Del hadn't pushed the subject too much; that they could hear soft, needing calls of 'mum' in between barely audible sobs.

Nash turned away, unable to look at him anymore.

* * *

 

Sirius rocked Harry gently, trying to soothe the crying fit he'd suddenly taken up. He tried singing, but realised it would only make things worse because he wasn't really that much of a singer. It was Rem-

'Shh, Harry,' Sirius whispered, patting his Godson on the back as he walked back and forth. 'Don't cry, lad, come on.' His own throat was closing up again as Harry's cries began to weaken and his little body began to slump tiredly into his Godfather's. Sirius took a deep breath, willing himself to get a grip and take care of what was important now.

'I owled Remus this morning.'

Sirius didn't notice Lily come into the room, and his grip tightened instinctively on Harry. He relaxed when she sat quietly on the sofa and placed the tray of tea and biscuits she'd been holding on the table.

'Aren't you going to ask if he replied?'

Sirius couldn't meet Lily's eyes, so he focused on keeping Harry asleep instead. 'No.'

Lily didn't seem to think Sirius's opinion was important and sipped her tea like she hadn't even heard him 'He didn't, but his mother wrote back. He showed up at the cottage around midnight.'

Sirius gritted his teeth angrily, ignoring the clenching feeling in his guts in favour of the familiar, consuming feeling of anger that was slowly surfacing within him again. 'I don't care.'

Lily looked at him with calm, cool green eyes. 'She doesn't know what happened. Remus hasn't told her yet. In fact, he hasn't woken up since the last fourteen hours.'

Sirius closed his eyes, resting his cheek against Harry's head for a minute. The child had fallen asleep in his arms and in a last minute attempt to control his anger in front of his Godson, Sirius made to walk out of the room.

'I want you to go there and apologise right now, Sirius.'

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, taking deep calming breaths to quell his boiling fury. 'Regulus is dead,' he said calmly, turning towards Lily. 'Did James tell you that when he brought me here yesterday? My brother's dead.'

'And you think Remus did it, do you?' Lily challenged, getting up. 'I didn't want to believe James when he told me, but it's true, isn't it? You actually think Remus is the traitor. Sirius, how could you?'

Sirius laughed bitterly. 'I don't  _think,_  Lily, I  _know_ he's the traitor. There's enough proof against him, but I never thought he'd come this-' Sirius let the sentence hang, seeing no point in completing it and simply walking out of the living room.

Lily followed him. 'Proof? The only proof you're seeing, Sirius, is the fact that he's a werewolf.'

'How many werewolves do you see that are on our side, Lily?' Sirius asked angrily. 'How many? There are limits to anomalies.'

'Listen to you,' Lily cried, grabbing him by the shoulders. 'You sound like someone else. These words aren't even yours, I can tell!'

They weren't. They were Peter's, but they were true and Sirius had been given enough information about Remus to know that now.

'James doesn't believe you, you know, he never did even the first time you told him,' Lily continued when Sirius dislodged her grip and started walking up the stairs. 'He doesn't think Remus is the spy.'

'James loves Remus like family,' Sirius replied coldly, 'he always has, and sometimes, it's hard to accept the faults of your own blood.'

'What about you, Sirius, don't you love him?'

Sirius's jaw quivered from suppressed emotion. Hot tears were prickling at the back of his eyes now, but he pushed them away, blinding himself by looking sideways at Harry's black hair instead. 'No,' he whispered, stepping into Harry's room.

* * *

 

There was a knock on the door and Nash poked her head through the door. 'Has he woken up yet?'

Del shook her head, glancing back at her son sleeping peacefully in his old bed. He'd cried himself to sleep last night, head still rested on Del's lap, until Nash had insisted they levitate him back to a comfortable bed. He hadn't woken up since, and Del found herself checking up on him a little too often to make sure he was still breathing.

Natasha bit her lip, walking to Remus's bedside. 'Are you sure he's alright?'

Delilah smiled kindly. 'He's fine. Small fever, nothing fatal, I promise you. He's just sleeping off his exhaustion. You go ahead.'

Nash stroked Remus's brown hair softly, eyes brimming with concern. 'I don't want to. I can take time off work, stay here for another day.'

'I'll call you if you're needed,' Del assured. 'Theodore will have a fit if you miss a work day. That man is unnaturally obsessive about you.'

Nash laughed weakly. 'The old Lupin charm, I suppose. Just…just let me know when he wakes up, okay? I'll stop by this weekend for a visit.'

Del nodded, watching her sister in law walk out of the room before turning towards her son. She ran her fingers through his hair, lank and damp from when his fever had broken. His eyelids fluttered at her touch, face scrunching up in displeasure before turning his whole body towards her.

He should be eating something, she knew. The full moon had been only a day ago and he needed to keep his energy levels up. Still, she couldn't bring herself to wake him up from his deep slumber; he looked too worn, too tired, too much in need of sleep.

'Mum?' Del looked down at Remus in surprise, finding him looking up at her with his lovely amber eyes and mournful smile. 'You don't look too well.'

Del laughed, tucking his hair behind his ear. 'Neither do you.' Remus blinked sleepily, and Del noticed that he was purposefully avoiding her eyes. 'Baby, I'm not upset with you for what happened, I swear.'

Remus bit his lip, reaching out for her hand and encasing it between hers. 'I don't want you to think that I've come here only when I found it convenient to. I've thought about it a lot, all the time, mum, but-'

'I understand,' Del replied softly. 'You don't have to justify yourself to me, love. I still don't like it, but it's what you chose to do and what your father would have done.'

Remus swallowed, nodding. He closed his eyes again, feigning sleepiness, and settled back into his pillow.

'I talked to Lily,' Del said, breaking the silence and making Remus's breath hitch. 'She told me what happened, or the little she knew of it anyway.'

Remus nodded, eyes still closed. 'It's nothing.'

Del raised an eyebrow. 'It's nothing,' she repeated, finding very hard to believe him after he'd spent the night crying himself to sleep.

Remus shrugged. 'Things weren't working out between us. It was going to happen sooner than later. I was expecting it.'

He was lying, Del could tell. He was lying to himself  _and_  her. Remus was too attached to Sirius to ever dream of separating. He might not have been lying about things falling apart between them, but he had definitely not expected Sirius to let go of him that easily. She'd seen them together and mostly, she'd seen Remus when they were together.

Normally, with her patients, Del would have advised talking it out but this was  _her son_. This was her son and not someone to treat, but someone to heal. She embraced him slowly, hesitantly, knowing he didn't want to be held but following her maternal instincts regardless. Remus was stiff in her arms, uncomfortable with how vulnerable he was so she held him tighter.

Del kissed his forehead as he pulled away. 'Come down, sweetheart, I'll make you some tea.'

* * *

 

' _There will be no New Year celebrations for the Order this year,' Moody growled, pacing back and forth. His wooden leg clunked noisily against the marble floor. 'We'll receive our respective missions shortly from Dumbledore and we need to carry them out with absolute, bloody perfection.'_

'I've never seen Moody this serious,' James whispered to Lily, before snapping back to attention when Mad-Eye banged his fist against the table.

' _There are muggles loose all over the city, celebrating and partying, completely oblivious and a perfect target for Voldemort and his Death Eaters.'_

James looked at Sirius, then at Remus, both sitting on completely opposite sides. Neither of them had looked at each other since the beginning of the Order meeting and the tension between them was thick enough to slice with a knife. James didn't understand why Sirius was being so irrational and adamant about Remus being a Death Eater.

Remus, as Lily had once said, oozed goodness and innocence, but most people failed to see it. Unfortunately, James knew Sirius wasn't the only one who thought of Remus this way; there was Peter of course, who had initiated the very idea into Sirius's mind, and a couple of other Order members like McKinnon. Only because he was different; it was so unfair.

' _We will all be separating into groups and spreading out across the city. Dumbledore and I have shortlisted any plausible areas that might be a hotspot for these muggles. You'll be assigned a location later tonight. Till then, every member of the Order is to remain here. You cannot so much as go upstairs to use the loo, am I clear?'_

Remus didn't look too bad, considering what had happened. He definitely didn't look as broken as Sirius, with dark rings of anger and resentment in his eyes, a constant frown on his face, and an overall unkempt appearance. He definitely didn't look distraught enough to have collapsed into his own sick or spent the rest of the night with an oath of silence like Sirius had. Then again, everyone had their way of coping, and while Remus had always been good at hiding himself, Sirius tended to be more dramatic and less in control.

'I can't stay here!' Peter whispered more to himself than anyone else, but both James and Lily caught it nonetheless. Peter saw Lily frowning at him and smiled weakly. 'Patricia's waiting for me at the restaurant,' Peter explained, 'we were supposed to have dinner together.'

Lily nodded sympathetically, but James thought Peter was being a royal coward. He shifted his attention back to his best friends and realised that he wasn't the only one staring at the two of them. Lily, Elphias and Peter were all looking at them just as intently; Lily with eyes full of sympathy, Peter with something akin to guilt, and Elphias simply looked thoughtful.

' _Each group should contain no less than three people. Choose carefully and according to all your strengths and weaknesses. Stick together throughout the process. I do not want anyone getting hurt tonight.'_

'I'm choosing Remus,' Lily said immediately to the three of them, once Moody had finished his speech. 'He's the best dueler I know, and I'd feel safest with him.' She had a challenging tone to her voice, and James noticed that she'd reached out to hold Remus's hand between her own.

James looked at Sirius, who was glaring at Lily furiously. The two of them had been in a spat since Sirius had broken up with Remus; neither of them seemed to want to step down.

Remus looked between them nervously. 'Lily, you don't have to do this. I don't need-'

'I choose Remus, too,' James interrupted, moving to Remus's side. Sirius looked murderous, but James didn't waver. 'Because the Marauders always come first, no matter what happens.'

Sirius's jaw quivered with anger and betrayal. He looked towards Peter, who seemed to be more worried with other things and not paying attention. 'Fine,' he spat, 'but I'm on patrol. I can't trust either of you to not get us killed.'

It took another hour of waiting until each group was finally assigned their missions. Theirs was the largest group, consisting of James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and a very reluctant Peter who had, for some reason, desperately wanted to be on Dorcas Meadows team, but had been dragged back by James's persistence and Lily's stern glare.

'Prongs,' Remus whispered once they were walking to safer apparition grounds. 'I don't think I should be here.  _Sirius_ doesn't want me here.'

'Tough,' James growled, 'because I do, and he has to learn that. We were mates first, Moony, and I'm not letting some ridiculous lover's spat between you and Sirius ruin our friendship.'

Remus clutched at James's arm tightly. 'Prongs, it's not working. Look, I don't know what I've done, but Sirius hates me.'

James sighed. 'He doesn't hate you, Moony. He's just…'  _Being a git._ 'Look, why don't you just talk to him, yeah? Tell him that friends always come first.' He pushed Remus forwards where Sirius was walking alone. 'Go.'

Remus looked back at James one last time before catching up with Sirius. James sped up slightly, making sure he was close enough to overhear their conversation. Lily, who had been walking a few steps behind him with Peter, looked at him questioningly. James just shook his head, signaling them to be quiet.

'Look, Sirius,' Remus started and James saw Sirius's head turn ever so slightly to acknowledge him. 'I know you don't think much of me right now, and we're not-' Remus swallowed. 'I just…I still think of you as my best mate.'

Remus looked down at his feet and for a long time, Sirius said nothing. He simply stared at Remus as they walked, and James could practically see the wheels in his head turning; wondering whether this was some kind of trick or if Remus meant it. Wondering if he'd been wrong this whole time, and Remus had never been the spy; wondering if he still loved Remus as much even after everything. James knew Sirius too well.

Sirius smiled after a while, and James got an odd feeling about that smile. It was trying to hide something he couldn't read and it made him incredibly uneasy. 'Prongs was right,' he said quietly, making Remus look up at him with wide hopeful eyes. 'Marauders always come first.'

The five of them apparated; and when Remus nearly fell over from Peter appearing too close to him, Sirius was the first one to catch him. Later, Peter had spluttered apologies again and again, nervous as ever. Sirius had retracted his hand from Remus's as if burnt and muttered a, _'be more careful'_ before looking away.

Still, as James and Lily looked at each other, they shared a flicker of hope.

* * *

 


	40. Through The Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**January, 1981…** _

Elphias didn't believe in miracles; he believed in fate. He believed that everything in this world happened for a reason and nothing came out of coincidence. Which is why, when Remus had come to his rescue on a cold January night when he was being beaten within an inch of his life, he thanked whoever it was up there who wrote their fates because no one could ask for a better saviour.

'Remy!' Elphias cried, receiving another punch in the stomach for his struggles. Two of the muggle boys were pinning him against Queen's walls, while the other took the pleasure of hitting him wherever possible. 'Remy!'

'Shut up, you little bastard!' The hold on one of his hands tightened so painfully Elphias was sure his circulation had been cut off. He struggled, but it was ridiculous to do so. The boys outnumbered him; to add on to his misery, while Elphias was a top notch dueler, he had no physical strength so to speak. The streets he'd lived in all his life were chiefly magical and hardly anyone ever resorted to fist fights.

Elphias didn't understand what he'd done to these boys to deserve this; they seemed to be angered just by his presence. They'd caught him by surprise when exiting from the club, bashing him against the wall and causing his wand to fall out of his back pocket before he could reach for it. It lay now, not too far from their feet, in danger of being stomped into pieces.

'Elf, is that you? Elphias?' Remus called out, and Elphias knew that the boys had backed him so far into the alley that it was hard for anyone to see anything from outside. 'Oi! Leave him alone!'

The boys took their attention off of Elphias momentarily as Remus's footsteps grew louder and more hurried. His wand was lit to a minimum, making part of his face fall into shadow while the rest glowed eerily. He looked beautiful and somehow incredibly dangerous, at the same time, the hard angles of his face looking sharp and fierce.

'What do you think you're doing?' Remus asked, arms crossed calmly, but eyes glowing brightly in the dark.

'Back off, mate,' one of the boys warned, 'this isn't any of your business!'

Remus advanced closer, and Elphias noticed with confusion that he was slowly dimming his wand. He must have realised they were muggles, because he was discretely pocketing his wand into his jacket, hand still firmly holding it. 'Look, let him go, and no one gets hurt.'

The boys laughed. 'You hear that, Ben? Jesus, I'm scared now!' One of them cried mockingly. 'We got ourselves a two man army here: some scrawny bastard and his little shirt lifting dwarf!'

Elphias looked at Remus desperately through his swollen, beaten eyes, and Remus nodded at him in acknowledgement but said nothing. He was as infuriatingly calm as ever, moving closer to the small gang of boys tactfully as they laughed amongst themselves.

'The fairy boy's mine though,' the one called Ben said once their laughter had reduced to chuckles. He brought his face uncomfortably close to Elphias's and Elf had to turn away from the putrid stench of alcohol. 'He likes it up his arse, doesn't he, the little cocksucker.'

It was when a hand slid down the front of his trousers that Elphias couldn't control his tears of helplessness any longer and let them fall. It didn't last long, however, because he heard an enraged yell from the other side and promptly felt himself crumple to the dirty ground. The hands on him had left, and Elphias, through the darkness and his puffy eyes, could barely make out Remus's shadow fighting all three of them in a fashion that Elphias could only describe as superhuman. He wondered if this was the display of werewolf strength that people often talked about. What was most terrifying about Remus right then was that he seemed to be enjoying it; as if he'd been waiting to channel his frustration through someone else and was glad for the opportunity to do just that.

Elphias closed his eyes, waiting for everything to be over. A large lump had lodged itself in his throat, and he found himself fighting back tears yet again. He hated it; hated crying like a little child; and as he heard the grunts of pain that came from the fist fight before him, he was glad Remus had decided to forgoe his wand and his sanity. For the first time in his life, Elphias wished those boys would die, that Remus would kill them.

'Are you okay?' Remus's voiced asked from above him. He'd lit his wand again, but Elphias's eyes had swollen so badly, he could hardly make out Remus's face beyond a blur. 'Elf?'

'I'm fine!' Elphias snapped when Remus touched his shoulder. He got up on his feet unsteadily, ignoring the pain that shot up his chest and stomach. 'You don' need to 'elp me with every thin'!'

'Elf-'

'Where's me wand?'

Remus held up what remained of his wand: bits of wood and unicorn hair frayed and barely hanging together.

'Fuck, me wand!' Elphias cried, cursing his voice for breaking like a little child. He swiped at his eyes, feeling ashamed and more vulnerable than he was comfortable with.

'Elphias, it's okay,' Remus tried, but Elphias shrugged himself off angrily.

'No, it's not okay! Tha' wand was me dad's! It was untraceable! I can' get one like tha' in fuckin' London!' Elphias rubbed his face furiously, aggravating the bruises there. 'Fuck, I hate this city!'

'Elphias, hey,' Remus held him by the shoulders gently. 'Hey, it's okay. They're gone. Come on,' he pulled Elphias by the arm slightly, moving him towards the open streets and away from the dark alley. 'Look, I can heal most of your wounds with my wand, and I'll take you home after that. Where do you live?'

Elphias shrugged, feeling tired, and sore, and angry, so angry. 'No place. I lost me job at Mrs. Richards, so I stay on the streets some days and oth'r days at Marlene's.'

'Merlin,' Remus exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. 'What did you do? Shag her daughter?'

Elphias couldn't help but let out a weak laugh as he shook his head. 'Her son.'

'We'll take you to my place then, come on,' Remus offered kindly, pulling Elphias by the arm. 'You're not too hurt, are you? Because it takes a while to disable the wards.'

Elphias shook his head, moving closer to Remus on instinct as he was apparated side-long. He didn't realise until much later, but he was still clutching on to Remus long after they'd apparated and Remus had pulled down the safety wards on the cottage. Remus, for his part, didn't complain about Elphias's more than usual need for affection, but simply kept a hand upon his head for comfort.

'My aunt comes over quite often, so the guest bedroom should be nice and clean. Ignore anything frilly that you might find. She has a strange fascination for things like that,' Remus said idly, as they entered the house.

It was a nice place, Elphias thought, as Remus made him sit on the couch and started on his injuries. Very homely; with a lot of muggle photos hung on the wall, comfortable sofas and a television, a nice wood–brown theme to the entire living room, and tasteful decorations to complement it. Everything was neatly kept and cleaned to a point where you could see your reflection on the most opaque of things. Elphias had never had an actual home of his own, but thought if he did, he wouldn't mind having one like Remus's.

'They your cousins?' Elphias asked, once his vision was clear again. He pointed towards a nearby picture of Remus, another woman, and a child no older than two held between them.

Remus frowned, looked at the picture, and then laughed. 'No, that's me with my parents. You'll meet my mother tomorrow during breakfast probably.'

'Blimey! You look just like your ol' man! I thought 'e was you!' Elphias cried, surprised and intrigued, as he leaned closer to the picture. 'But 'is eyes are blue, innit? And you was blond as a pup, too!'

Remus fingered his long, brown hair consciously. 'They got darker as I grew,' he explained, rolling up Elphias's sleeve and healing the myriad of bruises there. 'My hair turned completely brown by the time I was six or so. It got my mum very upset; she was hoping I'd look like her at least a little.'

'You look sexier as a brunette,' Elphias said as a matter of factly and loved the way Remus's cheeks tinged pink. He took off his shirt as Remus began healing his chest and stomach, a large portion of which had turned a disgusting shade of purple-black. Elphias flinched at the sight of them, but Remus seemed immune, working on them like a professional.

Elphias turned away to continue looking at the pictures that lined the walls. There was one of Remus's friends and him – Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter. They looked good together; happy, but then again, that's what Elphias had always thought about Sirius and Remus.

The first time he'd seen Sirius, Elphias's first impression had been that of a rock star. Sirius had those qualities – the sleek, black hair, smoky and sensuous grey eyes framed with eyelashes so dark they made his eyes look like they'd been lined with kohl. He had that leather jacket and that wicked, wicked motorbike which could even fly. Not to mention, Sirius Black also had the most perfectly angular features that Elphias had seen put together on a man.

The first time he'd seen Remus, Elphias had wanted to fuck him; nothing less, nothing more. He'd already known by then who he was and what he was, and there was nothing more thrilling to Elphias than bedding a werewolf. It helped that Remus had the most radiant smile and kindest eyes to complement it. It made Remus  _incredibly desirable_  and Elphias _incredibly hard._

The first time Elphias had seen Remus and Sirius together, he knew. He knew mostly because he'd seen them at Queen's once, but passed them off as just another random couple. That memory resurfaced, however, when he'd seen them again in the Order, and he knew that this was more than just a 'desire' thing. There was love amongst the two of them; love that Elphias always thought would last them forever, until today…

'Remy?'

'Yes, Elf?' Remus asked, exasperated with the nickname.

'Would it be rude to ask what 'appened between you an' Mr. Black?' The minute Elphias asked the question, he knew he'd stepped over the line. Remus's body went completely rigid and his face paled. 'I'm sorry,' Elphias said quickly, hating to be the one to upset Remus. 'You're helpin' me out, and all I'm doing is makin' you upset. I shouldn' have-'

'It's all right, Elf,' Remus interrupted, giving him a tight lipped smile. 'Sirius and I weren't getting along too well, so he decided this was the best way.'

Elphias noticed that Remus had said 'he' instead of 'we', but didn't question it. 'Are you upset wit' 'im 'cause of it?'

Remus shook his head, looking slightly miserable and handing back Elphias's t-shirt. 'Sometimes relationships don't work out, Elf. It's nothing uncommon, and we weren't any different.' He stood up, tucking his wand into the seat of his trousers. 'Come on, I'll show you to the guest room. You can stay here until you get a proper job, but don't expect to get away with slacking around, yeah?'

Elphias grabbed Remus's hand, unnecessarily using it as leverage to pick himself off the sofa. 'I'm good at 'ousework. Can wash dishes, an' cook, an' even clean.'

'It will do.'

Elphias grinned and then shifted his feet uneasily. 'Remy, 'bout earlier-'

Remus smiled. 'You're welcome, Elf, but it would be really great if you could let go of my hand now.'

* * *

 

Harry's yells interrupted their conversation and Lily got up, groaning. 'Well, that's the end of nap time.'

Remus caught her by the arm and smiled. 'It's okay. You sit down, I'll get Harry.'

'You're a sweetheart,' Lily said, beaming. 'I'll go prepare his food while you bring him down, yeah?'

Remus nodded, glancing back slightly at Sirius, James, and Peter before making his way up the stairs to Harry's bedroom (that was no longer pink, thank the heavens). Lily watched him for a while before shooting a warning glare at Sirius and leaving for the kitchen. She had a feeling Sirius would follow Remus, being the suspicious git that he was, and was relieved when James placed a calm but restraining hand on the man's arm.

Lily smiled to herself, for that one moment, loving and respecting her husband, as she pulled out a jar of  _Big Feasts for Little Wizards_  from the upper cabinets. She sang to herself softly, glancing at the kitchen clock compulsively for no reason.

She didn't know why, but as she prepared Harry's bowl of apple flavoured mush, Lily kept glimpsing at the door to see if Remus had come down yet. An uneasy feeling built up in her stomach when Harry's cries completely stopped, leaving deafening silence and nothing but James and Peter's chit chat to listen to. Lily's grip tightened on the spoon as she willed herself to not move; to not let Sirius and Peter's nonsense get to her.

She spent what felt like hours, unnecessarily stirring Harry's bowl. When there was still no sign of Remus, Lily guiltily went up the stairs, not quite running but her feet moving too fast and frantic to be called walking. Her heart pounding, she stopped at Harry's open door only to find Remus kneeling in front of Harry on the floor. His face was hidden behind his hands, and Harry was watching him with wide eyes, cheeks still tear tracked from all the crying.

'BOO!' Remus cried, and Harry burst into peals of childish laughter, nearly falling over as Remus caught him gently by the wrists.

'Didn't know you played peek-a-boo,' Lily said, feeling sick for having ever thought that  _Remus_ could be…

'Me neither,' Remus replied, grinning and picking Harry up. 'Sorry I got you worried.'

Lily shook her head a little too hard, cursing herself again and again. 'I wasn't worried,' she lied, trying to fake a smile. 'I thought I might talk to you while we feed the brat.'

'Do you hear that, Harry?' Remus asked Harry in an exaggerated voice. 'Your mum calls you a brat.'

'Ma!' Harry squealed, giggling, apparently unperturbed at being called a brat.

'He can say 'ma'!' Remus exclaimed, rewarding Harry by flinging him high into the air and catching him again.

'That's not the only thing he can say,' Lily snorted, sitting down on the floor and beckoning Remus to do the same, so that she could feed Harry. 'He picked up a few things from James, too. Here, I'll show you: Harry,  _Chudley Cannons_!'

'Fuck!' Harry replied, elated and bobbing up and down on Remus's lap. 'Fuck!' Lily took his open mouth as opportunity to shove his food in.

Remus's eyebrows shot up. 'He learned to say 'fuck' before 'daddy'? James must be pissed.'

Harry's joyous cries of 'fuck' were muffled by Lily's insistent feeding. 'Not much. He took Harry to practice the same day the Cannons were there. You can imagine.'

Remus laughed, and Harry laughed along with him, not quite understanding the joke but finding glee in Remus's amusement.

Lily watched him for a while, watched him laugh and play with Harry and found it to be strangely empty. It was as if a large part of Remus was missing, like someone had dulled his contours and colours. He was still the same kind, loving Remus, but Lily found that old glint in his eyes fading too quickly.

Lily laid a hand on his softly. 'I never asked, but how have you been? After…'

Remus shrugged, still smiling. 'We're still friends.' He used the bottom of Harry's shirt to wipe the food dribbling down the child's chin. 'That's what matters, right?'

Lily tried to smile back but found it hard to. She tried busying herself with Harry, unnecessarily fussing over him like most mothers do. She wished their lives were as simple as a child's; wished they didn't have the complication of relationships and the war bearing down on them. Mostly, she wished they could be the family they once were not too long ago.

'My mother's ill,' Remus said, breaking the silence. He didn't catch Lily's eyes as he spoke, keeping his focus solely on Harry who had suddenly quieted as if realising a sombre moment. 'They say there's nothing wrong with her, but she looks terrible, Lily. She's weaker than I remember her being.'

Lily stared at him with a mixture of shock and sympathy. 'How-'

'I should have been there for her,' Remus continued miserably, cutting her off. 'I saw this happening a long time ago, since dad died, and I still abandoned her. God, I was so damn  _selfish_ …'

'Remus, you're being too hard on yourself. It's not your fault,' Lily protested, grabbing his shoulder tightly and shaking it. Harry nearly slid off his lap from her shaking, and Remus held him still with a firm hand on his side.

Remus moved her hand away gently. 'It's not my fault, but I could have prevented it. I just get up so caught up with myself that I forget the people who really need me. Sirius was-'

'You think Sirius broke up with you because of this?' Lily asked incredulously, not believing the words that were coming out of Remus's mouth; not believing that Remus was actually considering such things.

'Because of something I did. He was furious that day, Lily, furious at me specifically. I'd never seen him that angry.'

Lily took a sharp intake of breath. 'Remus, Sirius was angry becau-'

'I need him, Lily,' Remus said softly, looking out the glass window with sad, solemn eyes. 'I need Sirius's friendship; I don't care about love anymore. And I need my mother, and I know she needs me. I can't live without them, without any of you…'

Lily's words faltered. She couldn't do it. She couldn't tell Remus about Sirius and his suspicions. It would break him and the illusion that he kept of them being his support crutches. She tried not to look at him in pity because there was nothing Remus despised more. Instead, she reached up, tucking errant strands of his hair behind his ear and letting her love for him show through. Lily wanted Remus to know that no matter what happened or who said what, she'd always be there for him; that she'd never make the same mistake she'd done only a few minutes ago. Remus, didn't discourage her, but didn't respond to her either.

Fuelled by the morose look on Remus's face and the lack of attention, Harry started crying, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. Remus looked down at him, smiling and noticing that there wasn't a single tear on his face. Harry was simply throwing a tantrum, scrunching up his eyes and pouting viciously to get the grownups to look at him and play with him.

Lily got up, wiping all the mush that had spilled over her hands with a baby wipe. 'Come on, the others will be waiting for us downstairs. You can carry Harry if you want; he seems to have taken a fancy for you.'

'It's the peek-a-boo,' Remus explained, and to demonstrate the truth behind his hypothesis, he played with Harry again, receiving a giggly and surprisingly tantrum free baby. Surprising because Harry seemed to have inherited Lily's flaring temper.

The minute they'd all settled down in the living room again, James had dragged Lily a little away from the gang without much of an excuse. 'Did you tell him?' he asked her urgently, an unconsciously strong grip on her arm. 'Did you tell him about Sirius?'

Lily shook her head. 'I couldn't. James, it's too difficult. He's-'

'Damn it, Lily!' James shouted, dismayed. He looked back at the others to see if they'd heard him; luckily, they were all too busy with Harry. 'Sirius is up to something,' James said quietly, almost angrily. 'I don't know what it is, and I know he won't tell me, but I can feel it. He's being too nice to Moony.'

Lily looked back at the three Marauders, specifically Sirius who had transformed into a dog and was romping around Harry with his tounge lolling out. She noticed that Sirius kept close to Remus, sometimes brushing his flank against him and more than once, begging Remus to pet him. She would have attributed it to Sirius's Animagus, but realised that he had been staying quite close to Remus ever since they'd sat down to chat. In fact, Sirius had been friendly, had talked and joked around with all of them quite casually, and made every effort to keep things as less awkward and normal as possible. Lily didn't think it was potentially threatening in any way. Actually, she found it very thoughtful of Sirius to try and still keep their friendship intact.

'You're getting paranoid, James,' Lily said, turning back to him.

'I just…I'm scared Moony will get hurt, Lily,' he said softly, his expression momentarily sorrowful before being pulled together again.

'Then don't tell him,' Lily replied, taking his hand in hers. 'It will kill him, James. He thinks the world of Sirius, and it will kill him if he finds out what Sirius thinks of him.'

'But-'

'We wait,' she explained, 'we wait and we protect him, and we let him have at least a little hope. Maybe Sirius really is trying to restore their friendship. Maybe, in Sirius's mind, he thinks that if he does this, Remus will realise that being a Death Eater isn't worth it and come back to him.'

James looked reluctant to agree. 'Maybe…'

* * *

 

Sirius entered, uninvited, when he found the door to the Lupin cottage unlocked and the wards disabled. The living room was empty and not believing his luck, he began to search. He wasn't sure what he was looking for; a white mask maybe; anything that could serve as proof to Remus being a Death Eater. He looked underneath sofa cushions, pulled open the cabinet in the hallway, searched in drawers, making sure nothing fell out of place and keeping a sharp eye towards anything that might be suspicious or have a security spell.

 _Remus's room. Of course!_  Sirius cursed himself for wasting so much time in the living room when Remus's room upstairs should have been the target all along. Remus kept everything important in his room, specifically, in the third drawer in his cupboard, locked and secured from most kinds of magic. Remus had told Sirius and the others about it a long time ago, Sirius couldn't quite remember. All he knew was that it was important and no one had been allowed to see it to date.

He made a move to go upstairs to check, when he heard the chink of plates noisily clattering against each other and a few well chosen curse words from the kitchen. Sirius quickly moved away from the stairs, hoping he didn't look too suspicious. He wondered if Remus knew he was in the house and against his better judgment, decided to postpone the search and join Remus. It had been a while since Sirius had seen him anyway and sometimes, Sirius miss-

Sirius found Remus in the kitchen, washing dishes. He remembered how much Remus hated it when they lived together, always making Sirius help him out to get the work done faster. Back then, they would put on the latest records or turn the TV on very loud as they sung to the music blaring across the room. It was a long time ago. Now, Remus seemed quiet, almost lost in his task. For just a nanosecond after Sirius entered though, Remus stopped as if contemplating something, but then simply reached out for more dish soap and resumed back to his work.

Sirius stood there, expecting the werewolf to turn and tell Sirius how he knew he was coming; how Remus had felt him the minute he'd apparated. He should have known better than to expect it; Remus had been doing it less frequently  _since…_ he couldn't remember anymore. It was as if Sirius was slowly being erased out of Remus's life and heart.

Not that Sirius cared. He repeated this to himself until he was nearly convinced and tapped Remus on the shoulder.

Remus whipped around, startled. 'Oh, Sirius! You scared me!' He wiped his wet hands on his trousers, leaving long fingerprints to darken the light material. 'What brings you here?'

Sirius shrugged, smiling. 'Can't I come to visit my friend anymore?'

Remus beamed, his amber eyes shining. The same amber eyes that still haunted Sirius's dreams at nights, and left him sometimes feeling sick and other times feeling sticky, and wet, and sick. 'Of course! Why don't you sit down, and I'll make you some tea.'

'No tea, Remus,' Sirius declined, pulling up a chair. 'Maybe a beer or something.' Sirius tried not to hesitate too much when Remus passed by him to the fridge. 'Do you know your wards are down?' The casual way that Remus said 'yes' made Sirius feel distinctly uneasy. Of course, if Remus was a Death Eater, safety was hardly an issue. The wards would be useless.

'I've been researching and experimenting a bit; I was planning to cast new ones just before you came.'

With his back turned, Sirius couldn't tell if Remus was lying or not. 'Where's your mum?' he asked, trying to divert himself with tablecloth patterns and not how Remus smelled like dishwashing soap.

'She took Elf out for a drive and to pick up groceries,' Remus replied. Sirius could hear him rummaging the contents of the fridge distractedly.

Sirius stiffened. 'Elphias? He's still here? It's been almost a month now, hasn't it? He hasn't found a job yet?'

Remus shrugged. 'He has, but it's not enough to pay London rents. He's saving for a place, though, that's what he says anyway.' He brought out two bottles of butterbeer, flipping the caps open with his wand. 'I don't mind much. He's good cook and he keeps mum company. She tires faster when she's alone.'

Sirius suddenly found it very hard to swallow his beer. 'He's still the same, I take?' Sirius asked, remembering Elphias and his outrageous and promiscuous ways.

Remus chuckled. 'Obnoxious as ever.'

'I see.'

'How's your work then?' Remus inquired before gulping down the remains of his butterbeer. 'Any progress with the Death Eater search?'

Sirius wondered if it really was a purely casual question. 'It's fine,' he replied, shrugging and tilting the bottle to his mouth. 'It's hard work, but it's doing something.'

'Moody still has you guys on module missions?'

Sirius felt Remus was being unusually intrusive regarding his job and stuttered for a while, not sure what would be the right thing to say without revealing anything.

'Sirius?'

It was becoming slowly impossible for Sirius's mind to talk to Remus without getting paranoid or suspicious. He didn't know if there were any underlying meanings behind Remus's words; didn't know why everything Remus said was starting to sound awry and wrong. Was it Sirius's paranoia acting up or Remus trying to pry information out of him?

So, Sirius decided the best way to avoid answering was to leave before he said something important. 'Look, I promised James I'd stop by to watch the team practice for the finals,' he lied, getting up and not catching Remus's eyes. 'I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, but I'll see you around, yeah?'

'Perhaps,' Remus conceded, walking Sirius to the front door. 'I might not make it to the next Order meeting…'

Sirius stopped just outside the door, his brows rising in question. 'No?'

Remus shook his head, leaning against the door frame. 'Full moon falls the day before.'

Sirius suddenly found it hard to take his eyes off the ground. He stared at his shoes for a while, wondering if they needed a polish, and if he was to offer to accompany Remus as Padfoot. 'Are the others coming?'

'I asked them not to. The garage is sealed tight and I put an additional thin coat of aconite on the door. It should keep me inside.'

Sirius felt his heart seize and unconsciously, his hand came up to brush against Remus, his fingers softly tracing the protruding veins on Remus's hand. He didn't realise what he was doing until he saw Remus's eyes widen in surprise, and Sirius immediately took his hand away, looking fixedly sideways. 'Goodbye, Remus,' he said softly, feeling his heart pound painfully, unwanted, too loud, and too fast.

'Sirius, wait!' Remus called, grabbing Sirius by the wrist to stop him. Sirius was sure his chest was going to explode at the contact. Remus bit his lip, his grip on Sirius hesitating but not loosening. 'Look, I know that I fucked things up a lot for us. I-I did everything wrong, and I know you're still…I just-'

Sirius wondered if Remus was going to apologise or maybe admit to something. He wondered if Remus was ever going to let go of his hand, because the sick feeling in his stomach was growing and his defences were falling. It was like a replay of the exact same feelings he'd had when he'd been on the verge of leaving Grimmauld Place; compassion towards people who needed none and hatred towards himself for feeling it.

'Maybe later,' Remus continued, having grasped a continuous stream of thought. 'Maybe, we could be the way we were…together?'

Sirius wasn't sure whether to laugh or to scream, but judging the colour draining from Remus's face, he must have done the former. 'I don't think, Remus,' Sirius said slowly, prying his hand away from Remus's grip, 'that there is anything left to salvage from our relationship.' He looked away to stop his insides from screaming, and twisting, and pleading. 'Good day.'

* * *

 

'So Elphias, you never told me what brought you to London to war in the first place?' Delilah Lupin said as they walked out of the muggle supermarket, arms full of groceries.

Elphias liked living in Remus's house. It was homely, and Mrs. Lupin was the sweetest and most intelligent woman he'd ever met, even though she tended to get lost in her head often. The Lupin cottage was in a muggle suburban area, so there was very little magic going around and one always had to be careful with one's wand. Still, it was quiet, peaceful, and friendly much like Elphias's own home back in Stepney. It was better than London anyway.

'Dumbledore asked me if I wan'ed to figh',' Elphias answered, helping Mrs. Lupin stash the groceries into the trunk. 'I said I 'ad nothin' better to do, so I migh' as well.'

Mrs. Lupin laughed. 'So, this isn't a favour to him then?'

''S a mighty big favour if it is. Why'd you ask?'

She shrugged, moving into the front seat. 'Dumbledore knows his chess. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a wonderful man, but most of the people in the Order join because he's done something for them, and they feel indebted.'

Elphias raised an eyebrow as he tugged at his seatbelt. 'Is tha' why you think Remy's fightin'?'

Mrs. Lupin smiled sadly. 'I used to. Now, I'm not so sure.'

'How'd you mean?'

Mrs. Lupin played with the ignition for a while before starting to back out of the parking lot. 'Do you know that the day after Remus came into the house, he started taking charge of things? He fixed the roof, repainted the house, changed the plumbing, cleaned all the rooms, and redid the garage; without magic, mind you. And he also does chores for the neighbours on the days he's not busy with something Dumbledore's asked him to do.'

Elphias scratched his head, confused. 'I don' get it.'

Mrs. Lupin sighed heavily. 'As a child, there was nothing Remus hated more than doing his chores. Getting him to just do his bed involved a wrestling match and a four hour punishment. Do you see?'

Elphias scrunched up his face in thought. Either he was increasingly stupid, or Mrs. Lupin was talking in cryptic. 'E's learnt his lesson after nineteen years?'

Mrs. Lupin rolled her eyes. 'What I'm trying to show you is that Remus is overworking himself on purpose. He does these missions and all these chores not because he wants to, but because he feels he needs to.'

Elphias was now as confused as ever. Remus had mentioned that his mother was a muggle healer of sorts; perhaps that's why what she was saying sounded so complicated and foreign to him? 'Why would 'e do somethin' like tha'?'

Mrs. Lupin shrugged, taking a right turn that brought them in plain view of the Lupin cottage. 'John, Remus's dad used to do it sometimes; to tire himself out; to stop thinking; to forget…'

'Abou' Mr. Black, you mean?' Elphias asked, finally catching on. What Mrs. Lupin was telling him made more sense now that he'd thought about it. Remus did seem to work himself to death lately, and Elphias could often hear him switching off the lights and turning to bed at odd hours of the night. In fact, Elphias didn't remember the last time Remus had even spent time talking to either of them.

'I don't have the heart to blame Sirius,' Mrs. Lupin replied wearily. 'He's a nice boy with a good heart, and things like this happen all the time in every relationship.'

She absent mindedly parked the car on the street, a few blocks away from the house, and Elphias wondered if he should point it out. He figured it was best not to interrupt Mrs. Lupin's conversation and would remind Remus later to move it to the garage.

'I'm his mother though, you see,' Mrs. Lupin said, smiling as she unlocked the trunk. 'I can't help but take sides.'

Elphias didn't have anything to say to that, so he kept quiet, making sure that Mrs. Lupin locked the car doors properly and that all the grocery bags had been taken out. As they walked, both he and Delilah Lupin seemed to be lost in their own thoughts until Elphias spotted Remus crouched behind the fence, mouthing silently to himself through a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth.

'What in God;s name is Remus doing?' Delilah asked, having noticed as well.

''E looks rather constipated. D'you think tha's the problem?' Elphias asked as he smiled cheerfully and walked in. 'Hey, Remy!'

Remus's head whipped around in surprise to look at them, and his nose started bleeding almost immediately. Elphias hurried towards him. 'Shite, you o'right?'

Remus tilted his head upwards, swatting Elphias's concerned hands away. 'I'm fine. Just broke my concentration.' Elphias noted that he was sweating profusely as well, given that it was February.

Mrs. Lupin caught up with the two of them not long after, handkerchief out and ready to mop Remus's nose. 'Remus John Lupin, put that cigarette out this minute! You know how much I hate them,' she said sternly, standing on her tip toes and only being able to reach high enough to wipe his chin.

Remus let the cigarette in his mouth drop, and Elphias stubbed it out for him with his shoe. 'It's okay, mum. It's stopped,' he insisted as she continued to fuss over him. He brought his head back down again and used her handkerchief to wipe his nose. 'I'm fine. How was your trip?' Remus asked, taking the grocery bags from his mother.

'It was brilliant!' Elphias replied enthusiastically as they walked into the house. 'I's ne'er been in a car before, and Mrs. Lupin's a great driver! And there was these really lovely ladies in the market who offered to 'elp us find all our thin's and gave us free samples…'

'The store manager asked me to keep a leash on my  _son_ ,' Mrs. Lupin supplied, making Elphias grin cheekily and Remus roll his eyes in exasperation. 'I've lived in this town for over fourteen years and those store girls have never so much as looked at me.'

'Merlin, is there anyone you haven't flirted with, Elf?' Remus asked, chuckling in amusement as he put the carrier bags on the kitchen counter. 'Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't started on mum yet.'

'I haven'?' Elphias cried in mock outrage. He slid to his knees, taking Mrs. Lupin's hand and kissing it. 'Delilah, me love…'

Remus whacked him on the head, but Mrs. Lupin laughed in the sort of way that told Elphias that she found him endearing. 'Get up and make lunch, you sod. Mum, you look tired. Why don't you take a nap, and I'll wake you later, okay?' Remus's tone quickly shifted from amusement to concern as he looked at Mrs. Lupin. Elphias hadn't seen it before, but Remus's eyes were very red, as if he hadn't slept for years or had spent the last hour crying.

Mrs. Lupin yawned lightly and nodded, giving Elphias a loving pat on the head and walking out of the kitchen with Remus.

'I like that boy,' Elphias heard Mrs. Lupin say as the door swung shut and felt his heart swell. 'You should date him.'

'Mum!'

Elphias chuckled and leaned closer to the door to hear better. He knew he was supposed to get started on preparing lunch, but he was a curious boy by nature and even more so when he was involved in someone else's conversation. He didn't care much about manners against eavesdropping. His father never thought him any and he wanted to hear Remus's reply.

'I'm not dating Elf!'

Elphias pouted, a little disgruntled at being rejected so brashly. He found that he wouldn't mind dating Remus too much. Remus was kind, sweet, bloody sexy, and Elphias liked to make him smile because Remus didn't do it much ever since he'd broken up with Sirius.

Elphias heard Mrs. Lupin huff. 'You're not dating Elphias, I know. That's why I said you should. He's such a sweetheart, and he helps around the house. God knows you need it.'

'I don't need any help; I'm fine.'

'Remus, it would be good for you to just let go once in a while. I know that after Sirius you're-'

'Please don't psychoanalyse me, mum,' Remus's voice sounded tight, as if barely controlling his emotions, 'you know I hate it. Sirius and I-'

Elphias found it hard to make out the rest of the conversation as Remus and Mrs. Lupin got too far away from the door. By the time Remus finally came back, Elphias had already had the stew on boil and was meticulously cleaning the countertop.

'You migh' hafta move the car later. She parked it wrong,' Elphias said casually, scrubbing at a particularly nasty and unidentifiable spot.

Remus sighed heavily and nodded, flopping down into one of the chairs. Elphias sat down beside him carefully, trying to look at Remus's face that hid behind his hands. Elphias brought his chair closer so that his shoulder touched Remus's as a sign of comfort.

'I found a wand for you, Elf,' Remus said from between his fingers. 'I talked to Aunt Nash, and she found this old lady's wand. The woman's dead, so it's no longer registered and it's a close match to your old one.'

'Really?' Elphias asked surprised. He hadn't really expected Remus to find one for him so soon. In fact, he'd been planning to floo one of his friends to get one. 'I…wow! Ta, Remy.'

'Hm, but the wand's not for free,' Remus continued.

'Oh, I-I have money to-'

'I want you to live here, Elf,' Remus cut off, looking up. Elphias found himself, for the first time in his entire life, speechless. 'I'll be taking up missions again soon, ones where I'll have to travel, and I need you to take care of my mother. She likes you, and you seem to be doing it anyway, even though you don't know it.' Remus smiled, resting his chin on his hand. 'What do you say?'

Elphias's face slowly split into a wide grin. 'Hell yeah!' he cried, kissing Remus on the cheek sloppily, before dashing up the stairs to tell Mrs. Lupin the good news.

* * *

 

Sirius kept his eyes tightly shut as he pounded into the foreign body held tight up against the lavatory wall of Queen's, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and tasting bitter against his lips.

It was easy to forget Remus here; forget everything within the dizzying haze of alcohol, and smoke, and sex. Sirius tried to lose himself in this unknown face, this unknown body; he tried to tell himself that it didn't matter if Remus was Sirius's first and the only one he'd ever slept with; that it didn't matter if Sirius still had feelings for him; that it didn't matter that the act itself made Sirius sick to the stomach.

It didn't matter anymore because he wasn't cheating on Remus.

It was over between the two of them, and Sirius could damn well fuck whoever he wanted to.

It had been so easy. So easy to just say yes when another man had slid into the seat beside Sirius and offered to buy him drinks. It had been even easier to give in to the hand settled on his arse and another roaming up his shirt, as they danced together, too close and too fluid.

Sirius was sure there had been a name mentioned in between, but he didn't really care as he pushed the bloke into the nearest cubicle and proceeded to get what he needed. He hadn't bothered to take off any clothes more than necessary, didn't need to because there was nothing desirable about the man and everything fuckable about him.

There were sharp nails dragging painfully down Sirius's back, teeth biting down hard into his shoulder, legs squeezing hard enough to crack ribs; and Sirius was reminded again how different it was with Remus. How it had always been about each other; even back when they were fighting, sex had been used for apologies and feelings that were too deep and complex to be expressed in words. Sex between them had never been a tool.

'Fuck, you're hot,' the man beneath him cried, his voice throaty and rough and wrong, so Sirius put a hand over his mouth, growling ' _shut up_ ' as he continued to thrust into him, uncaring and unfeeling.

Sirius tried not to compare, tried to forget how Remus felt inside him, around him, against him, over him. He tried to forget how Remus would be passionate and aggressive, but still hold Sirius's hand as they made love; how they would always cling onto each other as they came, lips meeting in frenzy.

Sirius pushed the man further up the wall as he edged upon his orgasm. His head was pounding now, and he forcefully shut the images of honey brown hair and scars across shoulders as he came, spilling into the body beneath him. He tried not to look at the man against him, tried to tell himself that this whole incident had nothing to do with the eyes that lay behind this man's closed eyelids because those eyes might have been almost amber-gold, but weren't.

And even as he told himself this again and again, Sirius had to bite his lips hard enough to draw blood to stop from calling out that one name that kept resonating in his heart.

Sirius hadn't even bothered with the man after that, pushing him away and doing up his trousers and belt. Any attempts to conversation were duly ignored, as Sirius calmly walked out of the lavatory and then the bar. It would have been easier to apparate, Sirius knew, but it didn't stop him from walking. He didn't know how long he walked, hoping the fresh air would cure his upset stomach. It didn't, nor did it wash away the strong smell of cigarettes he had smoked all night. He didn't even like smoking that much, but the smell at that time had been familiar and comforting.

When Sirius finally stopped, it was nearly midnight and he still hadn't reached home. He didn't know if he was even close and his feet were starting to hurt and his calf muscles starting to protest. So he collapsed into a nearby bench, not wanting to look at the cold, damp grass, but not wanting to look up at the bright full moon over him either. It was how he'd ended up closing his eyes and then, finally falling asleep in the middle of the park.

Sirius woke up the next morning when an old, muggle woman sat beside his head to feed the noisy birds.

* * *

 

Dumbledore looked at Remus contemplatively through his half moon glasses, leaving Remus feeling very uncomfortable in his seat. 'Remus, my boy, are you sure you want to do this?'

'I'm sure,' Remus said, trying hard not to flinch under Dumbledore's piercing gaze. He wished the man would look away from him and stop trying to read into all his secrets. 'I understand that this is the last of the clans, and it doesn't seem right to leave my purpose in this Order incomplete.'

Dumbledore rested his chin on his folded fingers. 'You understand that it will be dangerous, life threatening even?'

Remus looked down at his lap. 'Yes.'

'We've already gotten a substantial following, you realise,' Dumbledore continued, his blue eyes shining mysteriously. 'They don't join us because of their hatred for the Ministry, but the werewolves are fighting back, Remus. They're fighting because they know that if Voldemort wins, he will kill them, too.'

'I need to go, Professor,' Remus said slowly, still not daring to look up at Dumbledore. 'I need to make sure that I've done everything possible for this war. I need to…' He trailed off, unable to find words to express his feelings; to tell Dumbledore in not so many words that he needed this mission to feel as if he was doing something worthwhile; that he did have some sort of value to the people around him.

'I understand,' Dumbledore said kindly, saving Remus the humiliation of having to answer too many questions. 'You'll receive a Gringotts notice after two weeks with the necessary location and money for your trip. Don't rush; if they're expecting you or if they know you're coming by some method or another, it's best that you reach late.'

Remus nodded, getting up. 'Thank you, Professor.'

Dumbledore smiled. 'Sherbet Lemon?' he offered, pushing a jar of yellow sweets towards Remus. When Remus shook his head, Dumbledore sighed heavily. 'Remus, did you know that I've always been somewhat partial to you?' When Remus shrugged, he took it as a sign to explain further. 'You were my first werewolf student, and I had high expectations from you. You've never disappointed me.'

Remus felt the corners of his lips tugging sideways as warmth spread inside him. 'Thank you, sir.'

'So, if it ever comes to a point where something is bothering you, I want you to know that I will always be there to help,' concluded Dumbledore, looking directly at Remus as if he knew something about him that Remus himself was yet to discover. 'How are you, my boy? We talk about so much ever month and yet, we never come to this, do we? How are you?'

'I-I'm fine,' Remus lied, looking sideways and finding Fawkes looking at him curiously through his preening. He doubted if Dumbledore would want to hear much of what he said anyway.

How would he explain about Sirius when it was supposed to be a secret? Remus knew that Dumbledore would never judge him, but would he understand him? Would anyone understand what happened if Remus told them, because Remus sometimes found it hard to comprehend it himself. Things had been so perfect between the two of them, and he still couldn't figure out when things had spiraled towards  _this_ , the present, so quickly.

'Are you sure?' Dumbledore asked again, not pressing, but inquiring politely.

Remus's hold on his chair tightened. 'I should go, sir, I have Elphias's wand to pick up.'

Remus had gone as far as the door to Dumbledore's office when the old professor spoke again, this time his voice sounding old, wise, and experienced. He wasn't even speaking directly to Remus; instead, Fawkes had flown to perch on the desk as Dumbledore stroked his head softly. 'Love, Fawkes, can sometimes ruin us,' he said, as if reading Remus's heart and mind, 'but it's also what keeps you going at the end of the day, don't you agree?'

Remus's throat clenched tightly, and he had to close his eyes and look up for a while to force the stinging in his eyes back. 'Yes,' Remus whispered to himself. 'Yes, I do.'

* * *

 

Elphias knocked the door before entering Remus's bedroom. 'Remy?' he said quietly, checking to see if Remus had fallen asleep. 'Your mum said it was okay to come see you now.'

Remus, who had been lying faced away from the door the whole while, turned to look at Elphias and smiled. 'Come in, Elf. '

Elphias hesitated for a while, wondering if he should, before he pushed down his cowardice and walked in. He didn't sit anywhere however and quickly handed Remus over a chocolate bar that he'd bought from the grocery without truly looking at him. 'How're you doin'?' he asked, shuffling his feet.

Remus raised an eyebrow and unwrapped his chocolate swiftly. 'I should be asking you that. Mum told me you fainted after you saw me.'

Elphias swallowed, fighting down the nauseous feeling that was rising up in his throat as he remembered the sight of Remus in the morning. Mrs. Lupin had unlocked the garage door after Remus's transformation to reveal the most horrific sight Elphias had ever seen. Remus had been lying there, naked and close to unconsciousness, bleeding from so many cuts, deep and shallow, that Elphias had lost count. It was bad on its own, but what had sent Elphias's mind reeling had been the Aconite burns. The wolf must have tried repeatedly to break the door and get out because the entire right side of Remus's body and face had been burnt raw red.

Elphias had taken one look at Remus, gone green, and promptly fallen to the floor. It was embarrassing enough that he had passed out; what made it worse was that Mrs. Lupin hadn't let Elphias anywhere near Remus until she'd done fixing him up. In fact, when Elphias was finally allowed into the room, it was only because there were some wounds that muggle medicine and left-over Mungo's potions couldn't heal.

'Sit down, Elf, I'm not going to break. Come on,' Remus, moving slightly to the side and patting the bed invitingly.

Elphias sat down gingerly, careful not to make the bed bounce too much should it brush against any of Remus's tender wounds. 'I didn' think it would be this 'orrible,' he confessed, reaching for the right side of Remus's face and running his thumb across Remus's cheek. The skin was overly smooth and slightly lighter than the left side. 'I-I panicked, I s'pose.'

Remus smiled kindly. 'It isn't always this bad, you'll see. The wolf was just aggravated this time. It's a new environment and its never like closed spaces.'

'Liar,' Elphias said harsher than he intended. 'You been in closed spaces before an' you never been this bad. I's been watchin' you for days. I ain't stupid; I know this is about Mr. Black.'

Remus sighed heavily, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back on the headboard.

Elphias took the silence as confirmation. 'I could talk to 'im, Remy, I could tell 'im about how you're-'

'No, Elf.'

''E would listen and 'e'd be able to help you. I could go to him right now an'-'

'I said no, Elphias!' Remus interrupted sternly. 'I don't want you badgering him for things I can take care on my own.'

'But 'e can help!' Elphias cried, 'you don' have to get 'urt as much if he-'

'Listen to me, Elphias,' Remus said, suddenly grabbing Elphias by the arms. His voice had gone dangerously low and his eyes sharp and focused. 'He. Doesn't. Care.' Remus was so close that Elphias could smell the chocolate on his breath and the myriad of potions on his skin. 'He doesn't care and it's not his obligation anymore.'

Elphias's lower lip trembled as Remus let go of him. He didn't say anything even though there were hundreds of questions and protests in his mind. He didn't think Sirius was cruel enough to leave Remus on a full moon. They might not be lovers anymore, but that didn't stop them from caring about each other, did it? Remus still loved Sirius, Elphias knew that, so surely, Sirius still had to have some feelings left for Remus, hadn't he?

He heard Remus sigh and shift beside him. 'Come here, Elf.' Elphias shuffled closer to Remus, whose face by now had relaxed into the serenity that Elphias was so familiar with. 'Look, I didn't mean to upset you, okay?' Remus put a hand on top of Elphias's head, ruffling it slightly. 'Here, why don't you finish the rest of my chocolate; it's too big for me anyway.'

Elphias broke off a piece but pushed the rest of the bar back into Remus's hands. He chewed thoughtfully on his chocolate, not really thinking about anything specific, but everything that was important. His silence must have bothered Remus though because after a while, he gave Elphias a gentle nudge with his shoulder.

'How about you tell me one of those amusing stories of yours mum talks so much about, eh?' Remus said, smiling softly. 'It would be a good mood breaker, don't you think?'

Elphias scrunched up his face. 'Did I ever tell you abou' me firs' duel wit' Hazard?'

'I'm guessing that's a name and not your description of the person.' When Elphias looked at him with a confused expression, Remus just shook his head and motioned him to continue.

Elphias grinned, popping the rest of his chocolate into his mouth and in his excitement, starting without swallowing completely. 'Well, this was back when I was only twelve, see? Still a beginner an' all, and me dad – 'e was still alive back then – 'e reckoned it would get a real good crowd if he put me up against one o' the big lads.'

Remus had his chin rested on his hand now, nibbling occasionally, but keeping complete focus on Elphias's tale. It made Elphias slightly giddy to know that he had Remus's attention after so long.

'An' I was scared out o' me shorts! Mind you, I was good back then, too, but I's always been a lil' on the short side and this bloke was taller than you even, and 'e'd been dueling for over ten years!'

'What did you do?' Remus asked, head cocked to the side and mouth slightly open.

'I fough'! Me ol' man forced me to!' Elphias cried, feeling the outrage that he'd felt back then bubble up within him once more. 'An' I was losin', too! 'Alf way through the duel, I finally caught him unawares and sent a stunnin' spell at him. Know what 'appens? It backfires and this big bloke lands righ' on top o' me!'

'Merlin,' Remus said, eye widening. 'Could you breathe?'

''Ardly, an' you know wha' the worst part was, Remy?'

'What?'

Elphias grinned. 'Through me suffocatin', I got the biggest woody on the planet!'

Remus blinked as if registering the information and then promptly burst out laughing. It was a sweet and carefree sound, and Elphias found himself laughing along even though he'd told this particular story at least a million times. As he looked through the corner of his eyes at Remus, Elphias realised that it was the first time he'd seen Remus laugh this loud or at all since he'd come to the Lupin cottage. It felt like a goal had been accomplished, even though he'd never set one in the first place.

'I'm sure he felt it,' Remus said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes and still letting out small chuckles.

''Course 'e did! Got him awkward enough for me to win the duel. Me ol' man was so proud!'

Remus was laughing again, his brown hair falling over his eyes and face in elegant waves. Elphias couldn't help it; he touched it and found it to be impossibly soft and clean. Remus either didn't notice or was too used to Elphias touching him to object as Elphias tucked Remus's hair back behind his ears.

'Let me guess, you slept with him as a part of your celebration, right?' Remus asked, eyes shining and lips quirked with amusement.

'No, sir. 'E's got a lovely wife an' kids,' Elphias defended himself, his arms automatically crossing in front of his chest. 'I migh' be a lot of thin's, but I ain't no home breaker.'

Remus smiled, patting Elphias's cheek affectionately. 'You're a good lad, Elf. Thank you.'

Elphias didn't know what Remus was thanking him for really, but he liked the fact that he could help. He liked it when Remus smiled and laughed; liked the way his cheeks dented so perfectly on both sides and his eyes wrinkled at the corners; he liked the rich sound of laughter reverberating in the room and liked how Remus's hair flew about his face.

Consequently, Elphias found himself telling more stories about his past and life back in Stepney, a lot of it true, but the most amusing ones not. Remus didn't have to know which ones were made up as long as they were believable and they made his amber eyes shine full of mirth. Elphias talked and talked for the next two hours because that was really what he did best (according to most people anyway), until Remus had fallen asleep and Mrs. Lupin had asked Elphias to be a darling and help her make Remus's favourite dish for lunch.

For some reason unbeknownst to Elphias, after they were done cooking, she had kissed him on the cheek and called him a 'lovely boy'. Elphias didn't mind it so much, not after being called 'street rat' most of his life.

And when Lily and James Potter had called by floo to ask how Remus was, Elphias was proudly able to say, 'he was fine, thank you very much'.

* * *

 


	41. The Ghost Of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**March, 1981…** _

Remus was sitting on the edge of the windowsill as Elphias entered his room without knocking. When Elphias wrapped his arms around Remus's waist and his chin settled on Remus's shoulder, he felt his eyes roll in exasperation, but said nothing because he was too used to Elphias's insistent touches by now to really care. It was in Elphias's nature to touch people he liked and flirt with them every chance he got; it didn't mean anything and was sufficiently harmless.

'You shoudn' be sittin' next to the cold,' Elphias said, leaning his head against the side of Remus's and making Remus's sneeze when blond curls tickled his nose. 'You'll catch your death, and then wha' would I do?'

Remus laughed, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve. 'You would use my death as an excuse to look distraught and sleep with our neighbour.'

Elphias hummed as if actually considering it. 'Your mum told me you 'ad a fever,' he said conversationally, 'is it 'cause of the transformation?'

Remus knocked their heads together. 'Is that the first thing mum told you when you came back from work? She let you eat before that, didn't she?'

Elphias psh-ed and waved it off. 'I like hearin' stuff 'bout you. Yesterday, your mum showed me your little sprog-day pictures. Damn cute you was, too,' he punctuated this with a pull to Remus's cheeks. 'Merlin,' he muttered, putting a hand to Remus's forehead. 'You're hot, an' not in a good way. Mrs. Lupin wasn' jokin'.'

Remus swatted his hands away. 'I'm fine. This is just mum's way of stopping me going for my mission next week. Ignore it.'

'Hard to when you're on fire,' Elphias giggled at his own joke. He tightened his hands on Remus's waist and pulled slightly as if actually attempting to carry Remus off the ledge. 'Maybe you shouldn' go,' he said, giving Remus another experimental pull and a disappointed huff when the werewolf didn't even budge. 'Mrs. Lupin likes it when you're 'ome and you told me this mission is really dangerous.'

Remus shrugged. 'Look, about that. Elphias, I'm going to be leaving some money with you. There should be enough to cover for everything for around two months, but ask mum for the Gringotts key if you need any more, alright?'

Elphias's eyes widened and his hands fell away from Remus's waist. 'Remy, don' trust me wit' money. I-I won't know wha' to do wit' it and if I-'

Remus pretended not to have heard Elphias's protests and continued talking, 'If you have any trouble with mum, just ask help from Mrs. Pitts next door.'

'But she doesn' even like me!' Elphias whined, getting over his anxiety a little and leaning back into Remus. 'She calls me 'runt' and 'camp and 'slag' an' all those 'orrible names.' He buried his face into Remus's neck, snuffling gently. 'It 'urts.'

Remus rolled his eyes and pushed Elphias's face away. 'You are under no circumstances to contact me. It's too dangerous and I need to keep my identity a secret throughout this trip. I'll floo once in a while if I can, but it'll be rare since I'll be using Muggle methods to get there. No writing letters either.'

'Can't write,' Elphias replied, looking a little disgruntled. 'Was too stupid to learn, so me dad gave up 'alfway through. Dirty ol' tosser.'

Remus patted him on the back distractedly, focusing more on the mental checklist he'd made of things Elphias had to take care of. Finding everything taken care of, he sighed, and looked Elphias in the eyes. 'Look, Elf, I really appreciate you doing this. I wouldn't know who else to turn to if it weren't for you. I mean, everyone's busy with their own lives, and I know you probably have a lot of other things to do, so…thank you.'

Elphias beamed. 'Anythin' for you, Remy, you know that.'

'That doesn't mean you have free reign to grope me, Elf,' Remus deadpanned, glancing at Elphias's roaming hands pointedly.

'I can't 'elp it…you're so fit!' Elphias replied, his hands giving Remus's behind a squeeze before coming back to safer areas under Remus's glare. 'I'll miss you most when I go 'ome to Stepney.'

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'I didn't know you were planning to go back?'

Elphias shrugged. 'Once the war's over, you know,' he explained, 'got no place in London and I miss the matches and me ol' friends. No place like me 'ome, I believe. Maybe you and Mrs. Lupin could come wit' me….'

Remus shook his head and smiled. 'I appreciate the offer, but mum wouldn't budge from this place for a bag full of galleons, and I….' He shrugged.

'You'd miss Mr. Black,' Elphias said sadly, 'an' the Potters and the other one, I understand.' This time when Elphias pulled on his waist, Remus relented and swung his legs inside. 'Come on then, love, let's go see wha' your dear ol' mum's doin', shall we? Maybe I can talk her into introducin' me to Mrs. Pitts son.' He grinned slyly. 'Imagine her face if I shagged him, eh?'

Remus laughed, shaking his head at Elphias's antics and ruffling his blond hair. Honestly, he wouldn't know how deep in he would have sunk if the young boy hadn't been there to keep him constantly busy with one thing or another. It felt good to have another presence to help him around. It wasn't Sirius, but it was company nonetheless, and it helped lessen the pain sometimes when memories of Sirius got too strong and hard to bear.

* * *

 

They were staring. They were all staring, Remus could feel it; stares of pity, of resentment, of disgust. He didn't know when things started turning around in the Order; didn't even know if it was his growing paranoia, but people seemed to be looking at him more often. It was as if he was part of a discussion in the Order and everyone was in on it except himself.

Remus wasn't stupid. He knew why they stared. He knew that Dorcas Meadows had never quite trusted him ever since she found out he was a werewolf and the growing rumours about spies and traitors were making her point fingers towards him. He also knew she wasn't the only one.

Remus knew why Frank and sometimes Lily looked at him in pity. They saw the new scars littering his skin; scars that had never been there when Remus had the Marauders or his father to care for him after transformations. Scars that came from missions Remus refused to talk about because it was dangerous to do so and because it reminded him of his repeated failures. He felt weak under their gazes a lot of the time, felt dependant and crippled. The scars didn't hurt anymore, not as much sympathy did.

What Remus couldn't figure out was the vacant stares that Sirius gave him. They were devoid of meaning, of any emotion whatsoever. Sirius simply looked at him with grey eyes that once spoke volumes to Remus and now only gave him cryptic runes and symbols. It wasn't once or twice that Remus caught Sirius staring at him; it was all the time and Sirius never seemed to look away, not even when their eyes met.

Sometimes, and those were the times he treasured the most, when their eyes would catch, Sirius's eyes would flicker with unspoken emotion and Remus would feel that jolt in his heart which he'd learned to associate with Sirius ever since first year. The feeling would be momentary and painful at the most, but it was a good kind of pain because it told Remus that Sirius still thought about him, that Sirius still cared, no matter how much he pretended not to. Remus might not have been able to explain their unusual bond, but he knew what it meant.

It was that time now; when they were connected, eye to eye, soul to soul, and neither of them was looking away. Remus didn't care if people were staring, if they somehow figured out about his previous relationship with Sirius. He didn't care if Dumbledore was talking about something life threateningly important because there was nothing more important to him right then than to keep up that dizzying beating of his heart.

Lily would have scolded him if she knew; she would have told him off for being so obsessed, for wanting and loving Sirius so much that he didn't even flinch as it consumed and ate him whole. But Lily didn't know about it now, and Sirius did. Remus could tell he did by the way Sirius's breathing grew shallow and his fingers repeatedly brushed over his chest, across his heart. It was the strongest this feeling had been in a long time and until today, Remus had been sure the connection had almost diminished to nothing. Until today…

'REMY!'

The contact broke as Remus was quite physically jerked out of his thoughts. He felt a moment of loss and then fury at the hand that was now shaking his shoulder almost violently. Sirius's eyes weren't blank again, but angry as they looked past Remus's shoulder and behind him.

Remus followed his line of sight to meet concerned green eyes peering at him. 'Elphias?'

'You 'kay, love?' Elphias asked, moving closer to Remus's face. Remus felt that jolt again, only this time it was more painful that pleasurable, as if being tugged at by an invisible silver leash. 'Only, the Potters haf been callin' you for ages.'

Remus, still feeling a little dazed and confused, turned to his right where James, Lily, and Peter were looking at him with an equal amount of concern and worry. He blinked when Peter's hand came to rest on his shoulder.

'Moony?'

'I need to-' Remus's voice, when it finally came out sounded scratchy and unused, 'I need to talk to Sirius…I need to-'

'Remus…'

Remus stood up shakily. 'Now. I need… _now_.' Sirius must have heard him, it was hard not to since they were all sitting so close. Sirius had heard him and was coming this way to talk to him, Remus knew. But for some reason he was being steered away by warm, pudgy, hands and a voice that stuttered and squeaked too much.

The same thing was happening with Sirius, only he was being pulled away by James and if Remus could read expression right, Sirius was being scolded through gritted teeth by a seething James. Remus wondered if they were causing a scene, if people were looking at them oddly, but couldn't bring himself to look away from Sirius's adamant face, screwed up in anger and defiance. Vaguely, he could hear Elphias's confused questions and Lily's patient explanations. Perhaps there was a bit of background gossip as well, but Remus couldn't quite focus yet.

'Moony, you n-need to stop t-this,' Peter said, helping him into a seat in the corner. Remus looked up at him and then for the first time, around him. The Order meeting must have ended because only Dumbledore, Hagrid, and the Longbottoms seemed to have remained. They all seemed to be confused, but trying to look politely oblivious to what was happening between the Marauders.

'I only wanted to-'

'No,' Peter interrupted, clutching Remus's shoulder. 'N-No, Moony, you need t-to get a hold on y-yourself.'

'But I-'

'Y-You're making a s-scene,' Peter whispered slowly, forcing Remus to sit still. 'I-I don't know what's h-happening, Moony, but you really n-need to take c-care of yourself more.'

Remus looked at Peter desperately, willing him to understand that the connection between him and Sirius still lived, that there was still love, that Remus would ask forgiveness for his mistakes and Sirius would take him back. It was that simple.

The message didn't seem to get through to Peter. 'Remus, M-Moony, have you talked to S-Sirius before…a-about why he…the two of y-you…?'

Remus shook his head, trying to catch a glimpse of Sirius through Peter's restricting body mass. 'I said I was sorry. If I say it again…maybe he will-'

'He won't,' Peter insisted so firmly that Remus almost believed it. 'Remus, he won't. He d-doesn't want to talk to y-you, Remus, he told me so h-himself.'

Remus didn't believe it. Sirius had come to his house; they had been friends ever since their break up, but Remus had felt something more today. 'He will.'

'Remus, h-he doesn't love you a-anymore. Please, you need to s-stop this before you d-drive yourself m-mental.' Peter kneeled down in front of him so that they were at eye level. 'Y-You're going to a m-mission in a week, aren't y-you?'

Remus blinked. 'How do you-'

'I-I k-know,' Peter confirmed, his voice sounding oddly weak. 'Go, c-clear your head and f-forget Sirius for awhile.'

Forget? Forget Sirius? Was Peter joking? Was he being mocked so openly?

'D-Don't tell him about it, don't tell P-Prongs or Lily either. They're in a hassle a-as it is and Sirius isn't…' Peter hesitated, watery eyes searching Remus's face for something. It looked like his friend was about to say something, something scandalising, but decided against it. Maybe he thought Remus wouldn't listen to him or wouldn't understand. 'Go away for awhile, R-Remus. Y-You both need a b-break to get over things.'

Remus looked down at his feet, swaying dizzily in his chair. He didn't really want to take a break; just wanted to talk to Sirius a little. Not as friends, not the way they'd been talking; cautious and careful and all fake cheeriness in a pathetic attempt to restore their friendship. He wanted to talk for real, about the connection and how Remus was sorry, always so sorry that sometimes he couldn't sleep at night wondering where he had gone wrong. But then, Peter had talked to Sirius and Sirius had wanted Remus to leave him alone. So maybe their bond wasn't as strong as it ought to be; maybe Peter was right and they needed to give it some time before tackling the problem.

Peter was still talking; Remus realised but found it hard to focus on him. Sirius was gone now, but Elphias was striding determinedly towards him. 'Remus, do you trust Sirius?' Peter asked him, and Remus had to turn in surprise at the question. It seemed odd and out of sorts. Why would Peter-

Elphias tugged Remus forcefully by the hand. 'Remy, we need to take you 'ome,' he said anxiously. 'You're ill an' you don' need to be listenin' to no more o' this talk.'

Remus looked up at Elphias, taking in his young, cherubic face and wondering why he sounded so concerned or why he was holding Remus so protectively. It was an odd thing to do because Remus didn't think he was very weak or in need of support of any kind.

'I 'preciate it, Mr. Pettigrew,' Elphias continued, 'if you kept your words to yourself. They're righ' dodgy and they're upsettin' Remy. Ta.'

Peter seemed speechless as Elphias lead Remus out of Headquarters. Lily and James didn't seem to protest and vaguely, Remus could also feel Sirius's angry stares at the back of his head. This time, there were no jolts.

* * *

 

James tossed the house keys to Sirius, letting him open the door as James struggled with baby Harry bouncing enthusiastically on his shoulders. 'Quickly, Padfoot, I'm not sure how long my back can take this sort of torture.'

Sirius chuckled. 'Already turning into an old man, are you, Prongs? You barely had the sprog for three hours and you're exhausted.'

'I would have had him for even lesser if you could keep him quiet during practice,' James grouched. 'Honestly, it's supposed to be a learning experience for Harry, not an opportunity for you to scare the wits out of him.'

'I was just playing with him!' Sirius defended, walking into the house.

James snorted as he put Harry on the floor to do as he pleased. He flopped down on the couch beside Sirius, summoning the footstool to rest his aching feet on. 'Good practice though, wasn't it?'

Sirius hummed, fidgeting to get more comfortable. Taking care of a child was a full time job, one which Sirius voluntarily gave up his weekend for because he couldn't get over how much he loved spending time with Harry. Maybe it was a way of losing himself into simpler, less complicated things, but no matter how exhausting it was, it made him feel complacent.

Sirius was about to close his eyes for a short nap when he noticed something very familiar hung neatly on the wall. It wouldn't have caught his eyes normally, but among Lily's tasteful and expensive decorations, the plastic frame looked cheap and out of place. Sirius frowned; summoning the photo frame from the wall and staring at it a long while before letting his anger speak for him.

'What the bloody hell is this doing here?'

James, who had been silently watching Sirius the whole time, smiled smugly. 'Lily found it in your apartment last time, liked it, and duly brought it home. Why do you ask?'

It was a picture of him and Remus, the one Sirius had brought back from Mr. Lupin's office after his death; where Sirius was sleeping on Remus's shoulder contently while Remus played with his hair and grinned at the camera as if he'd never been happier. It had lived on their bedside table for almost two years before Sirius decided it no longer belonged there. 'This was in my trash!' Sirius seethed.

James cocked an eyebrow. 'Really?' he asked, as if the information was completely new to him. 'Shame. It's become one of Lily's favourite pictures.'

'She had no right,' Sirius growled, clutching the picture frame hard enough to break, 'she had no right to take it from me like that!'

James shrugged. 'Why not? You threw it away, so it was never yours to start with.'

Sirius breathed heavily, anger and rage making his throat close and restricting his ability to talk. He couldn't believe that woman! The nerve of her to just…to just… _take_  what was his, to insult him this way.

'What are you trying to prove doing this, Padfoot?' James asked, tilting his head in that same infuriatingly condescending manner. 'Did you think that by throwing away Remus's pictures you would stop loving him? That things would be all better again?'

Sirius moved away, the picture falling out of his hands and making James laugh derisively.

'Look at you, Padfoot, you still wear that collar Remus gave you every single, fucking day of your life. You come here every free minute of the day so that you don't have to think about him not being at the house. You even sleep here on most days! Who are you trying to fool, Sirius?' James asked, picking the picture up and forcing it into Sirius's hands again. 'Us? Yourself? Because it's not working…'

Sirius trembled under James's words, his eyes darting back and forth to look anywhere but at the picture of him and Remus together. Finally, after a long time in which James's patience was stretched to the limit, Sirius looked down at Remus's face, still smiling, still oblivious. 'He used to be so beautiful,' Sirius whispered, running a thumb over Remus's face, wondering what it would feel like if glass was replaced by skin.

'He still is,' James replied, and by the look on his face, Sirius could tell that James was both earnest and embarrassed by his statement. 'Padfoot, why can't you see that he still cares for you?'

Sirius closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the cushions. 'I see it, Prongs, I know he still wants me and still loves me, but that's not enough. It's…complicated…you wouldn't understand.'

'Try me.'

'Do you know how difficult it is to live with a person who works against you, whose every word could be a lie, whose actions and moods you can never predict? Do you know how it feels to sleep beside a traitor, to make love to him not knowing who he's going to kill next?' Sirius glared at James, heatedly flinging the picture to the other end of the room.

The glass cracked, but the frame remained intact.

James didn't move, showed no outward signs of disapproval and it angered Sirius even more because it reminded him of Remus. Because that's exactly what Remus would do – stay calm until finally Sirius pushed too many buttons and blew Remus's equally short but well contained fuse.

'No, you wouldn't know,' Sirius continued darkly, 'because you and Lily are leading your perfect little lives with your white picket fence and your lovely little families. A nice little chapter to add to some floral fairytale, innit?' He banged the sofa's arm in frustration. 'Fuck you, James, fuck you. You and Lily have no right to tell me what to do.'

'Fuck!' Harry declared, distracted from his self immersed play time by Sirius's outburst. 'Fuck!' he said again, but none of the grownups took any notice because they were too busy being angry at each other.

'I have every right,' James snarled, hands clenching, 'every right when my friends are involved, you understand that? You might not have the most perfect of lives, Sirius, but that gives you no reason to mess with Remus. Don't think I haven't figured out what you're trying to do.'

Sirius crossed his arms challengingly. 'Humour me, go on. What is it that I'm trying to do?'

James launched himself upon Sirius, grabbing him by the shirt collar. Harry must have started screaming in fright at some point, but both James and Sirius were too far gone to notice. 'Stop playing with him!' James warned, his hold tightening. 'Stop pretending to be his friend as an excuse to spy on him. Stop using him. Remus isn't some sort of toy that you can just break and take and throw away whenever you want.'

Sirius snorted and pushed James away roughly. 'You care too much, Prongs. It's sickening.'

James would have hit him then, Sirius knew, but was only restraining himself for Harry's sake. Instead, he took a steely breath to calm himself, forcefully unclenching his fists and looking Sirius straight in the eyes. 'Just, do me a favour, okay, as a brother…' He picked Harry up and summoned the picture frame again, placing it in the space between them. 'Talk to him. No insults, no double motives; just really talk to him. You don't have to talk to him about Death Eaters, or Voldemort, or anything of that sort.'

Sirius frowned, looking from Harry who was slowly quieting down, to James who looked sincere and pleading.

'Talk to him; see if he's changed, if he's any different from the Remus we knew back in school.'

Sirius looked away. 'Fine,' he said quietly, not knowing if he meant it yet, but just wanting James to get off his back. 'Fine, I'll talk to him for you.'

James nodded in approval, pushing the picture into Sirius's hands one last time and forcing Sirius's fingers to close around it. 'Keep it. Until you're completely sure, keep it.'

Sirius stuffed it into his jacket, planting a kiss on Harry's forehead before turning to go back home. He didn't think he could stand anymore pushing from James or Lily, and decided that maybe he'd avoid coming for a while. He would wait for things to cool down a bit, for the topic of him and Remus to fall into a deeper corner before deciding to start visiting his godson again.

Sirius sighed, fingering the cool surface of the picture frame inside his jacket.

_It was too dark to be out, everyone seemed to have realised that except the two of them. It seemed like they didn't have a care in the world, not while they lay sprawled on the grass, Remus on top of Sirius, and Sirius stroking Remus's hair lazily. The grass was wet and one or both of them were likely to catch a cold the next day, but neither seemed to be in a hurry to get home. It was uncharacteristically quiet for London, and the recently put curfew seemed to have scared even most of the night creatures away, leaving Remus and Sirius to be themselves after a long time._

_They were content this way; so content that the fight they'd had only an hour ago seemed like a distant and irrelevant memory._

' _I didn't mean it, Moony,' Sirius whispered slowly, burying his nose in Remus hair. 'You know that, don't you? I didn't mean a word I said.'_

' _I know,' Remus replied, the residue of anger and hurt in his voice fading away as Sirius kissed the top of his head affectionately. 'Me neither.'_

' _I don't mean to hurt you, Moony,' Sirius continued in between soft kisses to his face, 'never want to hurt you. You're all I have.'_

_Remus closed his eyes slowly under the feel of Sirius's fingers caressing him. 'Why do we fight then, Padfoot? Why are we always so angry?'_

_Sirius didn't seem to have an answer._

' _Why is it that when we fight, all we think of is how to make each other bleed? Why can't we just stop?' Remus asked insistently, his fists clenching around the front of Sirius's T-shirt, pulling at it so that the leather collar that usually stayed hidden shone boldly in the streetlight._

_Sirius pulled Remus closer to him, so close it felt like a desperate attempt to mold them together forever. 'We didn't always use to be like this, did we?'_

' _No, not always…'_

_Sirius looked up at the sky thoughtfully and then at Remus, his eyes still reflecting the light of the stars above. 'I still love you, Moony; no matter how much we change or fight. I still love you.'_

* * *

 

Elphias smiled down at him toothily. 'Wha' can I get you today, Mr. Black?' he asked, obviously very amused to find someone he knew sitting in the café he worked in.

Sirius smiled back at him coolly. 'I was hoping to run into you, Elphias. How about you get me and you a couple of butterbeers, and we sit down to chat?'

'You'll have t' gimme a minute,' Elphias conceded, 'Gotta talk someone into doin' me part for a while.'

Sirius watched him walk to the counter and talk to one of the girls who worked there. Elphias had slept with her, Sirius could tell, because the girl seemed to use every possible moment to touch him one way or another, and giggled far too much. Sirius shook his head exasperatedly. He himself had never had to make an effort to flirt with girls, even back in school or before Remus; his aristocratic looks, cruel tounge, and bad boy attitude had been enough to drive the women wild. It still worked nowadays, when Sirius was too frustrated to go home or wanted to throw Remus off his mind with a quick, much needed fuck.

'Wha' brings you 'ere, sir?' Elphias asked, sliding into the seat opposite to Sirius and sending the bottle towards him.

'I was by the cottage,' Sirius explained, twisting the cap open, 'since its Remus's birthday and all. No one seemed to be home…'

Elphias nodded, taking a generous gulp of his drink. 'Remy's on a mission an' Mrs. Lupin must have been 'sleep.'

Sirius's eyebrows rose. Remus hadn't mentioned anything about a mission to either of them. When had he gone? What else did Elphias know about it? 'Well, when he comes back, give him this, won't you?' Sirius handed over the box of wrapped chocolates he'd bought for Remus; they were his favourite and though Sirius tried hard not to, he always remembered. 'Where's he gone off to anyways?'

Elphias shrugged. 'No idea. 'E hasn't told 'nyone.'

'Oh.' Sirius's mind was begging to ask more questions, to find out what was going on, to see if this was the clue he was looking for so desperately, but he knew better than to talk. Elphias wasn't always as stupid as he seemed, and Sirius had made a promise to James to stop trying to spy on Remus until he had properly talked to him.

'I'll let you know when 'e comes,' Elphias continued, peeling the tape at the corner of the gift. Sirius mused at how entirely tactless the boy and his curiosity was. 'You can visit. You don' do tha' much no more.'

Sirius sipped his drink cautiously. 'Well, I've been busy a bit…'

Elphias peeked through the little opening he'd made in the wrapping and smiled. 'Remy wishes you would come sometimes.'

'Oh?' Sirius asked, somewhat surprised. 'He told you that, did he?'

Elphias shook his head. 'No, sir. Remy doesn' need to tell me for me to know thin's.'

Sirius felt a sudden surge of anger shoot through him. Since when did Elphias read Remus's mind anyway? And why did he keep insisting on calling him 'Remy'? It was such an irritating pet name.

Sirius's expression must have showed some of his discontent because Elphias tilted his head questioningly. Fortunately or not, the boy was horrible at reading Sirius as a whole and took the expression as being an insecure one. 'Don' worry, Mr. Black,' he reassured for God only knew what. 'Remy'll love your gift. They're his favourite.'

Sirius had never thought about it before, but Elphias was really quite annoying. Really, really – nothing irked Sirius more that Elphias platinum blond curls and cheerful smile. In fact, Sirius didn't understand what the boy was doing in the Order in the first place – he might be a good dueler, but he was too stupid to comprehend anything that was going on around him. He wasn't that much of a protégé either.

'Tell me, Elphias,' Sirius asked in a low voice, 'does Remus tell you everything?'

'Remy has a lot of secrets,' Elphias replied sadly, 'and 'e feels 'e needs to keep 'em. Don' know why.'

Sirius scowled. 'And what about you, Elphias?' Sirius continued, knowing he was crossing the line, breaking his promise to James a little, but too angry to care as much. 'Do you tell Remus everything? Does he know how every day of your life goes, what you do, how you fight, your conversations with Dumbledore? Or do you keep secrets, too?' He was being very obvious, but who cared anymore.  _Who the fuck cared?_  'Is that how your little deal works then? You do his chores, and he gives you a little pat on the head and makes you talk?'

Elphias frowned, his attention now fully on Sirius. 'Wit' all due respect, sir, I don' think you have a righ' to be jealous.  _You_  left Remy.'

'I'm not jealous,' Sirius replied through gritted teeth. 'They were simple questions, but I'm sure you wouldn't understand, not with that brain of yours.'

Elphias stood up, his chair scraping noisily against the floor from the force. 'I migh' not be a gentleman as you, Mr. Black, but tha' don't mean you can come 'ere and talk down to me. I can hex you righ' now, I can, but I won'.'

Sirius stood up as well, towering over Elphias's small form and looking down into his eyes fiercely. 'Is that a challenge, Elphias?'

Elphias, to his credit, did not waver the slightest. 'No, sir, it is a warnin', 'cause Remy wouldn' like me fightin' wit' you.'

Sirius glared, not willing to back down and surrender to a child three years younger than him. ' _Remy's_  little pet now, are you?'

Elphias's green eyes darkened. 'Course,' he sneered, 'I have t' listen to wha' he says. We're lovers now, aren' we?'

Sirius's head exploded then and he had to grip the table hard to not punch Elphias right there. 'If you expect me to believe that, Elphias, you're even more idiotic than you seem.'

Elphias brought his face closer to Sirius's, so close that his breath fanned across Sirius's cheek, hot and dangerous from anger. 'We  _fuck,_  Mr. Black. I don' care if you believe it or not.' He glanced down at Sirius's whitening knuckles and smirked. 'An you know wha' else? It's  _bloody brilliant_.'

Sirius punched him, right in the eye, and he would have done a lot more had not there been a commotion in the café and a flurry of hands restraining the both of them. In the end, Elphias got fired from his job and Sirius got banned from ever entering the café again. Not like he ever would, but it gave him a sick sort of satisfaction to replay the feel of the boy's flesh beneath his fists and the image of Elphias being literally thrown out of the door.

It felt very, very good, and it even made Elphias's resounding voice dim a little inside his head so that he could somewhat ignore it.

' _We fuck, Mr. Black.'_

The box of chocolates lay crumpled and abandoned on the floor.

* * *

 

There had been something dodgy about the man the minute he'd entered the bus. Jake, one of the passengers that had had the misfortune of sitting beside him had thought so at least. There had been something ominous about him, as if he carried the weight of a dark secret upon his slim but tight shoulders. His whole body was tense under layers of unnecessary clothing, and he had the air of a man on a mission, one who was preparing for a fight he was determined to win.

It would be hard to describe exactly what about the man was dangerous because Jake never saw the face that hid behind a jacket hood and dark shadows that seemed to almost follow him around. His long shoulder length hair peeked out slightly in flashes of light brown and sometimes his eyes glowed gold behind the darkness, making Jake literally shiver in his seat.

The hands that peeked out through sleeves showed pale skin that had tanned slightly unevenly under the sun, and the way they moved seemed ethereal almost. Inhuman, because they flowed too smoothly and looked as if they were suppressing some sort of hidden strength. The man's entire being seemed to speak of it, and it was intriguing and intimidating in kind.

Gathering up his courage, Jake had taken the pains to be courteous and introduced himself amicably. The man had smiled, or at least his eyes had crinkled sadly in the corners before shaking Jake's hand with his oddly warm one. 'John,' he had replied, in a soft, tired voice that betrayed the fierceness of his tall, slim stature.

They hadn't talked anymore after that, but Jake was now watching John closely as the bus wobbled and shook nauseatingly. John was carrying a small briefcase of sort, gold letters stamped across the surface with the initial R.J. Jake had wondered what the 'R' stood for, but didn't ask in fear of offending the man. There was a last name also, but it had been scratched out to a point beyond recognition. As if the man wasn't mysterious enough.

What really irked Jake though was how the man kept his left hand in his coat pocket at all times. For a moment, Jake had been sure it would turn out to be a gun and this man was going to be some sort criminal on a run. Then the bus hit a hard brake, and Jake found out as the man slid slightly in his seat that it was nothing but a long wooden stick.

There was nothing very extraordinary about it. It was black and somewhat dull, with some sort of inscription at the bottom that started with 'Ol'. Yet, John kept a firm hand on it and every time the door of the bus would slide open, his grip would tighten considerably. Jake quietly wondered what he was waiting for and if it was life threatening in any way, but didn't dare ask.

They sat like that for hours, Jake fidgeting uncomfortably and John completely statuesque except for the slight flexing of his left hand. Things couldn't have been any odder, or so Jake thought until he was startled out of his wits by an owl flaying side by side with the bus and rapping very specifically at their window.

'Argh!' he screamed, instinctively falling into the person beside him, which happened to be John.

John seemed more shocked by Jake's reaction that the owl's continuous efforts to keep up with the moving bus. 'Excuse me,' he said politely, frowning as he opened the window and let the owl in.

To his absolute horror, the owl actually flew in and perched on John's outstretched hands, claws gently settling against skin and beak nipping John's ear affectionately when he stroked the bird's feathers. It stretched out its leg after and offered a roll of paper tied firmly there.

 _Good Lord,_ Jake thought with wide eyes and a dry mouth,  _he's using it as some sort of homing pigeon._

 _This is a dream_ , he further tried to convince himself,  _it is a dream and I must have fallen asleep on the bus again._ Keeping that mantra in his head, Jake looked through the corner of his eyes to catch a glimpse of his letter. It was a dream after all, and it wouldn't hurt to be slightly curious, would it?

The letter, from what Jake could see, had been written very badly. The ink was blotchy and spreading, and the handwriting was barely readable, with twists and turns in all the wrong places, and the 'S's' and 'E's' all written the other way around; like a child who was just learning to write. There were so many spelling mistakes that even the words Jake could make out had no meaning in them. John, however, didn't seem to be having as much problem as his eyes scanned the letter quickly.

Jake waited for a smile to grace his eyes like most people's did when they read a letter from a child, but it never came. After a while, John's eyes seemed to have stopped moving entirely and focused on a spot somewhere in the middle of the worn, yellowing paper.

It took Jake a complete five minutes of staring to figure out that one of the words spelled  **'dead'**.

 _Christ,_ he thought, as John shot up from his seat so fast that his hood fell, revealing a face that didn't seem scary or intimidating at all. In fact, it looked almost… _ordinary_ , except his worried eyes that shone amber gold in the streetlight.

'Stop the bus!' John said, his voice cracking and his face growing steadily pale. 'I said, stop!' he shouted loudly when the bus driver didn't seem to listen. This time, however, his voice was strong and dangerous; a lot like Jake had pictured it to be the first time. There was a quiet intensity to his expression, a face that went from ordinary to a face that demanded compliance.

'Alright, I'm stopping!' the bus driver cried, alarmed.

The bus screeched to a halt in the middle of the road, and neither the passengers nor the driver seemed to be able to do more than stare as the man hurried off the bus. Jake tried to catch sight of him immediately after that, rushing to the window on the opposite side, but the man had disappeared almost instantly, as if he'd never been there to start with.

Settling back in his seat, Jake wondered if John had had a family and if the letter had been from his own child reporting bad news because no one else could. An almost morbid story began to form in his head and for John's sake, Jake hoped it wasn't true and everything was okay.

* * *

 

Mrs. Lupin died on the twenty sixth of April, 1981. It was a Sunday afternoon, but Elphias could never tell the time, mainly because it had been completely unexpected.

Mrs. Lupin, for the first time since Elphias had started taking care of her, hadn't complained about any joint pains or headaches. She hadn't forgotten anything and didn't fuss or complain about the food, inflation, politics or anything of that sort. In fact, she seemed to be having a very good day and was in an extremely cheery mood, if not a little pale, when Elphias dropped her off at the church before heading off for his latest job in a broom repair shop.

It was a small job and didn't pay as much as his last one. He simply had to wax and polish the repaired brooms for a better finish. The irony of the job was not lost on him, and Mrs. Lupin had spent a good half an hour laughing after he told her.

Elphias had come back home at around three, his hand sore and swearing off wanking until he found a better job or got promoted to something less…exhausting. He'd found the lunch he'd prepared for Mrs. Lupin before leaving untouched and still piping hot from the warming charms he'd cast. Even then, Elphias hadn't thought much of it and didn't disturb Mrs. Lupin when he found her napping in the bedroom.

In fact, Elphias hadn't begun to worry until around five when Mrs. Lupin still hadn't gotten up. So, he checked up on her again, found her body cold as ice and completely impassive to his shaking. Even then, Elphias hadn't panicked. He had kept his cool and simply called Mrs. Pitts who, with a lot of reluctance, had given him the number of a good doctor.

Things after that were all a blur. Even now if you asked him, Elphias wouldn't be able to tell what had come before and what had come after. He remembered crying a lot after the doctor had told him and he remembered not understanding a lot of what had been said and wishing Remus was there to explain things better. He remembered Mrs. Pitts being sympathetic and kind to him for the first time, and trying to get him to calm down, but he couldn't. Even when he'd been trying his hardest to write a coherent letter to Remus, Elphias seemed out of sorts. In his mind, Elphias knew that Remus had asked not to contact him and that this letter could be potentially dangerous if in the wrong hands, but it didn't seem to matter. Elphias couldn't care less about the Order and the missions.

While the crying had come down to quiet sobs, Elphias had lost control yet again when Remus had burst in through Mrs. Lupin's bedroom door, eyes scared and face gaunt and unshaven. He had taken one look at Elphias, then at Mrs. Lupin and fell to his knees beside her.

'I'm sorry,' Elphias said, trying to wipe his tears away. 'I'm sorry. I should have-'

'What did they say?' Remus asked, cutting off his apologies and touching his mother with trembling hands – her eyes, her cheek, her hair. 'Why did she-'

'No reason,' Elphias replied quietly, coming down to kneel beside Remus. 'Nothin' I could understand. They said a lot o' fancy words, an' I didn' get 'alf of it, but Mrs. Pitts said it was natural. That there ain't no reason.'

Remus made a choking sound at the back of his throat. 'She wasn't that sick, was she?' he asked, more to himself that Elphias. 'She wasn't old and she's wasn't sick. Why would she….?'

Elphias sniffed. 'She was lonely sometimes…she told me tha'.'

'Lonely,' Remus repeated unbelievingly. 'I wasn't enough for her, right?' he asked angrily. 'Her own son wasn't enough to keep her happy!' He banged the side of the bed with his fist hard, making a dent there, to Elphias's surprise. 'Damn it, she never-'

What she never did, Elphias would never know because Remus had walked away then and left Elphias with Mrs. Lupin. Elphias had thought he was running away, but found Remus in the sitting room, writing a letter to his aunt and Dumbledore through glassy eyes and a fingers that held too tightly to his quill and snapped a few already.

Elphias didn't ask why Remus wasn't informing his friends as well. He wasn't all that foolish; he'd seen the stares of pity as clearly as Remus had and he knew how much Remus despised it. Remus didn't need pity; he needed someone like Elphias who felt what he felt and cried because he was upset and not because he was sympathetic. Besides, Elphias doubted if Mr. Black would come, especially after all the lies he'd been made to believe during Elphias's fit of anger.

'She looks beautiful.' Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say to Remus at that time, but it was the truth. Mrs. Lupin's cheeks had filled out from the broken, sallow ones that he'd seen her grow into and her skin though pale and white, had a sort of ethereal beauty to it. It was as if she had gained life by losing it.

This was what Elphias thought and felt, and his old man would have been furious at him for getting so attached to these two people; people who were a higher class than he was, but had never treated him any differently. If his father would have been here right now, he would have scolded Elphias for crying like a pansy and always being so emotional. God knows he'd heard it enough when the old man was alive.

Remus looked up at him then and nodded, but said nothing.

The funeral was a quiet affair, consisting of only Aunt Nash, Mrs. Pitts and few other neighbours, Remus, Dumbledore, and Elphias. Mrs. Lupin had been buried beside her husband and the epitaph had read  _'Together forever'_. Remus had carved it himself.

The mood required rain, Elphias thought, because that would complete this little chapter of theirs and give a sufficient ending. The skies should have been pouring down on them as wet as their eyes and as loud as their hearts. Of course, nothing of the sort happened, and for all of Elphias's requests, they received nothing but a soft drizzle of a few minutes and then bright, wholesome sunshine.

'It would seem, Remus, that your mother's death was not in vain,' Elphias heard Dumbledore tell Remus, a little louder than a whisper. 'She died protecting you, just like your father.'

Both Remus and Elphias frowned and turned to Dumbledore questioningly. Aunt Nash was too busy crying over Mrs. Pitts shoulder to have heard anything.

'I received news from a few reliable sources and it would seem that news of your arrival had reached many ears,' Dumbledore explained gravely, pushing his half moon glasses up his nose. 'There was a group of assorted Death Eaters and Dark creatures awaiting your arrival at the stop you were supposed to pull up in.'

Elphias gasped inwardly and inched closer to hear better.

'They've been tailing you for a long time now, Remus, and my advice to you is to forget this mission. If young Elphias's letter hadn't reached you last night, your life and Merlin knows how many others would have been at risk.'

Remus fidgeted, looking down at his feet. 'What do you suggest I do then?'

'Lay low,' Dumbledore advised, placing a gentle hand on Remus's shoulder. 'For now, do nothing dangerous. I have a theory about Voldemort and I might need your help when I can prove it right, but till then, do nothing.'

Remus nodded, though Elphias could see it was reluctant. 'As you wish, Headmaster.'

That was the last Elphias saw or heard of him after the funeral. He'd been tempted to follow Remus of course, but Aunt Nash had stopped him and asked him to give Remus some space, to let him fade away into obscurity for a while.

Elphias hadn't wanted to listen to her, but after a lot of coaxing and explaining, he obliged. He sat there with Aunt Nash through her tears and then through her memories, his mind keeping close to Remus and how he had to be feeling. Elphias hadn't listened to a word she had said and when the time came for her to leave, he simply patted her on the back and rushed off to search for Remus.

Elphias found Remus much later in the bathroom. The door had been left ajar as either an invitation to come in or Remus might have just forgotten to lock it in a hurry. Whatever it was, Elphias understood that it was a sensitive time for Remus and the issue needed to be handled carefully.

So he peeked first, trying to widen the crack slightly by pushing the door to see more clearly. Remus was sitting on the toilet, lid down, head bent, and a smoke dangling from his lips. He must have decided to take a shower earlier because he was dressed in only a towel wrapped along his waist, and his long hair was dripping all over the tiled floor in steady droplets.

A heavy sniff resounded in the bathroom, and Elphias realised that Remus's hair wasn't the only thing dripping water. It made his heart clench and twist painfully in ways he never thought possible. Elphias wished he could do something for Remus, somehow stop this constant wave of pain that he always seemed to be in, but found himself feeling utterly useless. What could he do? He had nothing to offer as comfort, nothing that would make Remus's hardships and problems fade away.

Elphias knocked on the door and was man enough to look away and let Remus wipe his face before entering to a teary ' _come in'_. There were a good number of cigarette butts littering the floor that Elphias hadn't noticed before, and he had to carefully step over them to get to the towel rack in the other end of the bathroom.

'Nash asked me t' say goodbye b'fore she left,' Elphias said softly, standing in front of Remus and starting to towel dry Remus's long wet hair.

Remus hummed, letting his cigarette fall to the floor. Elphias stubbed it out distractedly, wondering how many in total Remus had smoked in the last two hours. He knew Remus was not a compulsive smoker, that he only smoked when he was particularly stressed or upset, which seemed to happen quite a lot these days.

Elphias sighed heavily, using the excuse of drying Remus's hair to pull the brunette's face closer so that his face pressed against Elphias's stomach in an awkward sort of embrace. Elphias expected to be shied away or be met without a response, which was why he jerked slightly when Remus reciprocated by loosely wrapping his arms around Elphias's waist and digging deeper.

'It ain't so bad,' Elphias said, in an effort to keep things busy, 'bein' an orphan, I mean. Back in the streets, we get by all righ' as long as us friends stick together.' He carefully hung the towel across Remus's shoulder, finger combing Remus's hair carefully. 'So you got me for now an' I got you, yeah?'

Remus lifted his head to look up at Elphias and smiled weakly. 'Yeah, I suppose.'

For the first time, Elphias felt a lot older than Remus. Not because he felt less childish all of a sudden, but because Remus seemed smaller, less strong and less brave than Elphias had always perceived him. The roles had reversed, and Elphias was the one taking care of Remus and holding things together now.

Elphias fingered Remus's long hair, darkened to a deep chocolate brown from the shower. It was soft and fine, and as it slipped between Elphias's fingers, it felt too long and heavy and too worn. Elphias wondered why Remus kept it at this length; why he always tried to hide behind a curtain of hair falling over his face.

'Remy, do you trust me?'

Remus shrugged. 'You're a friend, Elf,' he replied in a croaky, broken voice.

Elphias smiled softly, using his thumb to gently brush Remus's damp, clumped together eyelashes. It seemed a like a ridiculous thing to do; to touch somebody's eyelashes of all things, but Remus's red rimmed eyes and rosy cheeks and nose made him look so vulnerable that Elphias didn't know what else to do.

Remus didn't seem to have anything else to say after that, so Elphias took it was an initiative to reach up to the medicine cabinet and grab a pair of nail scissors. They were slightly too small, but they were sharp and would be easy to work with in Elphias's not so experienced hands. Elphias had expected some sort of protest from Remus when he cut the first lock of hair all the way up to his chin, but got none.

Remus simply closed his eyes and nodded Elphias to carry on. Everything was a blur after that. Brown hair littered the floor beside their feet as Remus kept up his silence, and Elphias, being the restless character he was, struggled to fill it.

'I had a friend who would do this,' Elphias said, wondering if Remus had fallen asleep sitting down. 'Every time somethin' 'orrible would happen, she'd cut her hair – shorter, longer, it didn't matter. 'S long as it was a change. I think she shaved her 'ead once too, but I can't quite remember.'

Remus didn't speak and his eyes fluttered tiredly every so often as if trying to fight impending sleep. When the final layers fell off, Elphias saw what Remus had been hiding all along:

A tattoo; no, a barcode of sorts. One that branded Remus for a werewolf and confirmed what he was to one and all. It was so demeaning, Elphias thought, as he fingered every number and letter delicately. It was like being treated as an animal or a monster when Remus has always done everything to prove he was anything but.

'You look like your ol' man,' Elphias stated, as he put the scissors down on the basin. It was true; Elphias hadn't known what he was doing when he'd first started out, but as work had progressed, the boy seemed to realise that he was cutting Remus's hair out of memory of the pictures he'd seen of John Lupin when he was younger.

With his eyes closed like this, Remus looked exactly like him, even though his hair was a lot shaggier and scruffy because of Elphias's inexperience with the scissors. Remus seemed to have realised the very same thing and was unable to take his eyes off his reflection for a very long time. Slowly, hesitantly, he reached out for the mirror, testing to see if it was real as if.

'You can see my scar,' Remus said softly, running his finger down the path of the scar, not on his own skin but on his reflection. 'It's…'

'It's you,' Elphias finished. 'The tattoo stays hidden for your safety, but the scar's all you.' Elphias had meant to sound comforting, but judging by Remus's unsure face, he must have failed spectacularly. 'You look bloody gorgeous this way, even more than you used to,' he tried, this time, displaying his trademark playful grin. 'I'd fuck you any day.'

Remus laughed as he always did when Elphias flirted with him. 'Short it is then,' he said, getting up and walking out of the bathroom. 'Mum always wanted me to get a haircut.'

Elphias smiled, muttering a quick  _Scourgify_  before following Remus to his bedroom. Upon reaching there, he quickly turned away though, blushing bright red. Remus was changing into his pyjamas and Elphias realised with surprised horror that the farthest he'd seen Remus naked was without a shirt. Under normal circumstances, he would have peeked liked the horny bugger he was, but it was different this time. This was  _Remus_  and his mother had just died, and it felt simply wrong to take advantage of a friend in his weakest hour.

'Remy?' Elphias asked, wondering if it was okay to turn now.

'Hm?' Elphias heard the rustling of sheets behind him as Remus climbed into his bed, and took it as safe to turn.

'I miss her.'

For a while, Elphias didn't think Remus was going to say anything and that maybe he might have gone too far with his little declaration, however true it was. He did miss Delilah Lupin, a lot, because she had pampered and spoiled him in ways no one ever had, especially not his father who had always been too busy training him to fight instead of being a good parent. Mrs. Lupin had kept Elphias company on nights Remus wasn't there or too busy to even look at them, and they'd been as close to friends as they could be, given the age difference.

He missed her, a lot, and the house somehow felt lonely without her.

So he climbed into bed with Remus, hesitant at first because he didn't know if it was an appropriate thing to do and if Remus would be adverse to it. But when Remus didn't object or even move for that matter, he pulled the covers tightly and tucked them around their bodies. He closed his eyes and kept close to the warmth of Remus's back.

As he lay there, Elphias tried not to cry again; he'd had his turn after all and Remus deserved it more than he did, but couldn't help it when a few tears fell and a tell tale sniff slipped out.

He felt Remus shift slowly beside him, turning so that he lay on his back instead with his arms behind his head. 'I miss her, too,' he said so softly that Elphias, who was quite close, had to strain to hear.

It was the last thing Remus said consciously that night before he fell asleep. Remus didn't know it, but he'd called for Sirius many times in his sleep, sometimes curling up against Elphias and sobbing into his arm. Remus's voice went to the edge of desperate during these times, his body twisting and soaking the sheets with sweat. So, Elphias held him, head pillowed on Remus's chest and fingers carding through Remus freshly cropped hair to calm him down.

Elphias held him close till dawn and let Remus believe and pretend what he wanted while his vision was still black...

* * *

 


	42. Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**May, 1981…** _

By the end of May, sleeping with Remus in his bed had become quite regular for Elphias. It had started out simply as a way of comfort for both of them after Mrs. Lupin had died. Elphias would rush to Remus's side every time he heard the werewolf screaming and whimpering from another horrible nightmare, and try and calm him for all it was worth. Sometimes, it wasn't Remus, but just Elphias's loneliness that made Elphias tip-toe bare feet into Remus room and burrow under the covers.

What made sleeping together comforting most of all was that they were really just sleeping together. Shocking as it was, Elphias was complacent with just that. For the first time in his life, he would wake up beside a warm body without a raging hard on or the need to have sex with it. Not that he wasn't still turned on by Remus or didn't want to snog him senseless at times, but Elphias was happy this way. He was happy to have someone who actually listened to him when he talked, and needed him, and cared for him, and didn't complain when he snuggled close during the nights despite Remus having enlarged the bed.

Evenings and nights were the only times they saw each other anymore nowadays. Remus had taken Dumbledore's advice seriously and given up missions for a while. It had raised many questions within the Order, but they were duly ignored as Remus got himself a job that went on till seven in the evening. It wasn't a proper job because no one in the magical world would hire a werewolf, not during these times. It was a Muggle one in which Remus worked on weekends in exchange for having a few days off every month for his transformation. Elphias didn't know the specifics but it involved carrying a lot of heavy boxes without magic and healing a lot of splinters after. It wasn't too bad; it paid well and Elphias often got to see Remus shirtless and glistening in a heavy layer of sweat.

When Remus returned home in the evenings, Elphias would badger him with all sorts of tales and stories about what happened at work over an early dinner, and Remus would smile and laugh in all the right places so that it left Elphias feeling very important. What Elphias didn't understand though was Remus's insistence on doing the Daily Prophet's runic translations every day. Remus claimed it was to keep his mind fresh and to Elphias's utmost horror, even called it fun more than once. Elphias still struggles to forget that statement.

Remus was solving them again now, sucking on his quill contemplatively. Elphias vowed to buy Remus some sugar quills as he climbed into bed beside Remus and pulled the sheets up to his chin. It was Remus's quiet, thinking time, so he kept uncharacteristically silent and closed his eyes, preparing himself to fall asleep quicker than usual because he'd had a particularly hard day.

'Remy?' Elphias asked sleepily, his voice sounding muffled because of his pillow.

Remus laid a hand on his head as acknowledgement to show he was listening.

Elphias turned to face Remus, still engrossed in his puzzles and crosswords. 'Would you ever hate me?'

Remus cocked an eyebrow but said nothing, choosing to fill out a blank box underneath symbols that looked more confusing than Chinese to Elphias.

'Wha' if I told you I did somethin' bad?' Elphias asked, remembering what he'd told Sirius. It still haunted him sometimes: the anger and jealousy on Sirius's face and the pain that came with the punch. 'Somethin' really, really 'orrible that you migh' never forgive me for?' He shouldn't have said those lies about Remus, he knew, but he'd been so angry and Sirius had been so hurtful. Elphias felt he deserved a lesson; at that time, Elphias felt Sirius should have had his worst nightmares thrown back at his face. Elphias still thought Sirius deserved to be riled up that way, but only felt guilty because of Remus.

Remus set the paper down on his lap. 'Okay, who have you murdered?'

'Nobody!' Elphias exclaimed with wide eyes making Remus chuckle.

'All right, have you broken anything?'

Elphias took some time to think, wondering how Remus would react if Elphias told him. How hurt would Remus be? Elphias didn't want Remus to go through anything too awful, not after he was finally starting to get over Mrs. Lupin's death. 'Not yet, I don' think,' Elphias replied finally.

Remus tilted his head to the side. 'Are you experiencing a moment of low self esteem and needing me to stroke your ego a bit?'

'I'd rather you stroke somethin' a lot bigger,' Elphias purred, brushing his hand over Remus's thigh.

Remus snorted and pushed away Elphias's hand. 'Another bad pick up line like that and this bed is off limits, am I clear?'

Elphias noticed that while Remus never quite objected to his touches, they were never reciprocated either. Remus never sought out Elphias during bad nights or tried to hug him when he felt like one. It hurt just a little bit, especially after being told by Mrs. Lupin that Remus once used to be very affectionate. Elphias crossed his arms behind his head and looked up at Remus contemplatively, wondering how much Sirius Black had changed of Remus – how much had he broken and ruined?

'So what is this horrible, horrible thing that you've done?'

Elphias bit his lip, still unsure of whether to outright say it or not. 'I-' He didn't want Remus angry with him. More so, he didn't want Remus to get any more upset than he already was. 'I wanked on your favourite sheets.' He said the first, silliest thing that came to his mind and turned bright red when he realised exactly what he'd just said.

Remus was too busy laughing to notice how Elphias slid deeper under the covers to hide his face.

'Also, I think you should tell your frien's about your mum,' Elphias said in a small voice, peeking from beneath the covers for the awaited explosion or breakdown. To his surprise, none came and Remus's laughter slowly quieted down to chuckles.

'If that's what you think, mate,' he replied, smiling still.

'I think,' Elphias continued boldly, 'it would make Mrs. Potter less worried 'bout you, an' it would help. You, I mean.'

Remus gently held Elphias's chin between his fingers. 'I'll tell them this week. I think I can now.'

'Really?' Elphias asked, clasping Remus's hand in his and giving the knuckles a swift kiss.

'Sleep, Elf,' Remus insisted, taking away his hand to get back to his ever important puzzle. 'And keep the wanking out of my sheets next time, alright?'

* * *

 

Remus has never looked this handsome. Never, as far as Sirius remembered, did Remus look so beautiful that he looked called upon from the heavens. It could have been the haircut: short, choppy honey-brown hair that was no longer as straight as it used to be. Somehow, without the weight of its length, Remus's hair now curled at the ends; not messy despite being uneven and longer in the front than at the back, but just  _perfect_.

It could have been the haircut, but that didn't explain why Remus's skin looked so soft and  _untouchable_ ; a nice healthy colour to his usual pallor as if he'd been exposed to just the right amount of sun. He still had tired bags under his eyes, but they seemed insignificant almost when compared to the rest of him.

The new hairstyle didn't explain the hard muscles flexing underneath Remus's thin t-shirt. He had always had a great body, Sirius thought so at least, despite being skinny, but there was more definition to his angles now. It especially didn't explain the way Remus now confidently bore his bite scar, barely flinching when the bartender stared at it a bit too long. Sirius remembered a time when Remus had been too ashamed to show it to his best friends.

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.'

Sirius wasn't really listening to Remus as much as just watching his mouth move. He had caught on the gist of the conversation; he had understood that Remus's mother had died over a month ago and he had understood that not many people currently knew which was why Remus was telling him all of this. He understood it, but found it hard to believe. Delilah Lupin was dead? How? Why? It wasn't a Death Eater attack; Remus had confirmed so much. Then why would such a sweet, wonderful woman meet an early demise? Hadn't he seen her recently? Hadn't he seen her alive and well?

'Remus,' Sirius said softly, wanting to reach out for Remus's hand and clasp it within his own, but remembering that they were in the Leaky Cauldron and people were watching. 'Why didn't you tell me this before? Why now?'

Remus looked down, his hands fidgeting in the way Sirius remembered so well. For a second, he felt a wave of unknown emotion towards the werewolf, and without Sirius even asking, Remus looked up into his eyes, as if reading into Sirius's mind. 'I wasn't ready,' Remus replied softly, 'to talk about it. I just…' He trailed off, not knowing what more to say.

Sirius's heart clenched. He didn't think about it, didn't look around, but just laid a hand on Remus's shoulder and squeezed, trying to show that he was there. Sirius wanted Remus to know that no matter how much had come between them, Sirius was still human and Remus was still a friend. It was true that Sirius got angry a lot at Remus; it was true that most of the time he was caught between a limbo of love and hate when it came to the two of the them; it was also true that James had been wrong about Remus not changing because in Sirius's eyes, he had, drastically so. In the end, however, Sirius found he could not hate Remus or be cruel to him when Remus came to him with large amber eyes, a heavy heart, and news of the last of his family finally falling away. It just wasn't done.

'I haven't told James and Lily yet,' Remus confessed. 'Do you think they'll be angry?'

Sirius smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. 'They'll be fine. They might be a bit upset, but they'll understand…' Remus nodded and Sirius let his hand fall from Remus's shoulder. 'Look, if you're done with your drink, how about we go out for a bit of a walk, eh?'

'Okay,' Remus said, standing up. Sirius tossed in a few coins before Remus had the chance to pay for it. 'You didn't have to-'

Sirius cut off his protests with a sharp wave of his hand. 'Prongs tells me you haven't been to the last few Order meetings. How come?'

Remus shrugged. 'Dumbledore asked me to lay low for a while; not do any missions. I keep up to date with the proceedings, but that's all I'm allowed to do.'

Any suspicions about Remus that might have quelled during Sirius's intern trip to Ukraine rose yet again. Dumbledore had asked Remus to stop participating in missions? Why? Did he suspect something? Was Remus not as trustworthy anymore? Hundreds of questions plagued his mind, and Sirius quickly shook his head, remembering that this time was supposed to be for comforting Remus. He'd dwell on everything later but now, Sirius would concentrate on Remus and how make sure he was all right.

Remus turned towards him, eyes reflecting the gold and pink hues of the evening sky and making his face glow with ethereal beauty. 'I really appreciate you taking your time to listen to my nonsense, Sirius. I know we haven't been the best of friends lately and I know it's mostly because I-'

Sirius cut him off with a fierce hug, damn if anybody was looking. 'Don't talk,' he whispered, keeping a firm hand on the small of Remus's back so that he wouldn't be able to pull away. 'Don't say anything. It just makes things worse between us.' He felt Remus stiffen against him and inhale shakily.

'I-' Remus choked on his words. 'That's not what I was trying to do,' he replied, his hair slipping between Sirius's fingers as he moved away. Sirius felt as if he'd experienced a heavy loss as he looked at Remus's hurt face. 'I didn't-'

Sirius closed his eyes, hand rising up to massage his temples.

'I'm sorry,' Remus said softly, 'How many times do I have to tell you that to get you to forgive me? Why can't you-'

'I don't want to argue, Remus, please.' Sirius looked around and then finding the streets somewhat deserted due to the upcoming curfew, cupped Remus's cheek with one hand. 'I'm sorry about your mother. I can't tell you I know how you feel, but she was really wonderful, and I'd like to visit her grave once if you'll let me.'

Remus nodded, his cheek brushing against Sirius's palm – it really was as soft as it looked.

There was an old man staring at them quite openly, so Sirius let his hand drop. 'Look, I'll be going over to visit Harry now, so if you'd like to…'

Remus shook his head, moving so that there was a great big space between them. 'Tomorrow. It's almost curfew, and I promised Elf I'd pick him up from the shop.'

Sirius felt his anger suddenly rise. 'Elphias is here?'

Remus nodded, walking away even further from Sirius. 'It's nearing Quidditch season, so he's had to work late this week.'

Sirius scowled. 'So he can apparate himself, can't he? What does he need you for?'

'Elf likes riding in the car sometimes,' Remus replied, frowning and stuffing his hand in his right pocket where Sirius assumed his car key was. 'He does a lot for me, so I let him have a bit of fun sometimes.'

Sirius snorted derisively. 'How typical of you to put it into such polished and careful words…bit of fun indeed.' If Elphias had been here in front of him, Sirius would have taken the pleasure of wringing his neck with his bare hands.

Remus grimaced, his lips pulling downwards. 'Sirius, what's your problem? One minute, you're fine and then you're suddenly throwing a tantrum for no reason. What the hell is wrong with you?'

'There is nothing wrong with me,' Sirius replied through gritted teeth.

Remus threw his hands up, exasperated. 'You know what, fine. Have it your way. I just, I don't know why I bother coming to you anymore. You obviously can't stand the sight of me and I just keep trying to-'

Sirius grabbed Remus tightly by the wrist before he could get too far. 'Remus, that's not it. That's not…I just... _I don't like Elphias_. I don't like that he stays with you. There's something not right about him. He-'

'He doesn't hurt me,' Remus spat, glaring daggers into Sirius.

Sirius recoiled, but didn't not let go of Remus's hand. Vaguely, he could feel Remus's pulse quickening beneath his fingers. 'Remus, does he…' He wanted to ask, to know for sure. '…have you two…' He could, he could say it, yet the words refused to form into coherent sentences.

'Look, Sirius,' Remus said quietly, extricating his hand from Sirius's grip. 'I'll see you around, okay. It's getting late and I don't want Elf getting into trouble.'

Sirius moved away, walking backwards with a scowl upon his face. 'Fine' he spat to Remus's retreating back. When Remus didn't answer or even look back, he screamed with all the built up rage in him, uncaring to the few people around him or the streetlights flickering due to uncontrolled magic. 'FINE!'

' _We fuck, Mr. Black.'_

* * *

 

'Happy belated birthday, Harry!' James handed Harry over to Remus, who promptly hoisted the child up on his shoulders. 'Look what I got you,' Remus cooed, rummaging in his jacket pocket and producing a small golden ball the size of a walnut. It slowly unfurled, revealing its delicate wings after an insistent nudge from Remus's thumb.

'Merlin, it's my old snitch!' James cried, shuffling in for a closer look. 'I didn't know you still had it!'

Remus grinned. 'I fixed the wing a bit and modified the charms so that it moves slower for Harry and keeps to the house. Do you like it, Harry?' He bounced Harry a little, handing him the snitch to play with. Harry liked it so much that he promptly put it in his mouth.

'Harry, no,' James scolded, 'spit it out. Come on, lad. No eating birthday presents.' Harry obviously didn't believe in the rule because he turned his face away defiantly when James extended his palm up for the ball. 'Remus, help me out, will you, mate? You're a bit too tall for me to reach.'

Remus brought Harry down from his shoulders and James, after a lot of pulling and struggling, finally got the snitch out of his child's mouth. 'Moo!' Harry yelled and clutched at Remus's shirt, before he burst out crying.

'You're child is speaking cow, Prongs,' Remus laughed, as he patted Harry on the back soothingly.

James thwacked him on the head. 'He's trying to say your name, and you know it,' he replied, steering Remus into the dining room. 'Lily's making us practice "tough love" on him, so he knows he'll only get his way if you or Padfoot are around.'

'Pads!' Harry screamed through his tears when he noticed that Remus wasn't getting his new ball back. "Pads!'

Remus chuckled, ruffling Harry's hair. 'Smart little bugger.'

'Hm, your gift goes with Harry's new broom. He's been zooming around on it since yesterday and it's driving Lily up the wall.' James's tone was proud, clearly saying that he didn't have any problems with Harry's little escapades with his broom. 'Padfoot's make up birthday gift apparently.'

Remus winced slightly at the mention of Sirius's name, not hard but noticeable by James. 'He missed Harry's birthday? Really?'

James shrugged. 'Except for Peter, all of you did. It was a working day, I know, I know,' James waved off Remus's apologies before he even said it. 'Lily and Harry went around a little, and I took them out for dinner later, so we had fun.'

'Remus, you're here!' Lily enveloped Remus into a tight hug as soon as she entered the room, squeezing Harry in between. 'I was afraid you'd call last minute and cancel. Dinner's nearly ready, so just sit and chat for a while, okay?' She scurried off as quickly as she'd entered, Remus not having the chance to say a word in between.

James laughed at Remus's gobsmacked expression. 'She's been cooking all day. It's Harry's first birthday celebration, you know.'

'Haven't seen her this enthusiastic since your wedding,' Remus replied, letting Harry sit facing him on the table, his legs swinging happily. 'How come the others aren't here yet? I thought you said we weren't to be late.'

James looked at Remus a little guiltily as he sat across from him. He hoped Remus wouldn't be too angry. 'It's just Padfoot left really.'

Remus's eyes widened. 'What about Wormtail?'

James looked at Harry. 'We didn't invite him. Lily and I thought that maybe you and Sirius could-'

Remus stood up abruptly, sending his chair toppling to the ground. 'Prongs, you cannot be serious.'

James quickly grabbed Remus by the arm, forcing him to sit down. Harry tugged on his sleeve for fun as well and was saved from nearly toppling off the table due to Remus's quick reflexes. 'Look, just listen to me, all right? It's just that you and Sirius have been getting on quite well-'

'Quite well!' Remus cried disbelievingly. 'Quite well? If by quite well you mean he blows his bleeding head every time he sees me, then yes, perhaps we're getting along  _extremely well_. For the love of Merlin, Prongs, how could you-'

'He loves you,' James interrupted.

'Bullocks,' Remus scoffed.

'I really think this could work out, Moony,' James pleaded. 'Honestly. I mean, Sirius has cooled down a lot, and I think that if you talked a bit, you really have a chance of getting back together.'

Remus said nothing, but his breath came out controlled and suppressed as if fighting back some strong emotion.

'We miss you. Harry misses you. You're hardly there anymore and Harry calls for you every time he sees Padfoot.' James looked at Harry, knowing that he was playing the child card to his advantage; that Remus would concede if Harry's name was mentioned at all. 'He can't even grasp the concept of a Padfoot without Moony.' James slung an arm around Remus's shoulder, shaking him amiably. 'Just give it a try, yeah, for Harry…'

Remus never had a chance to answer because Lily entered right then, levitating Merlin knew how many dishes and setting them neatly on the table before sitting opposite to James. 'All done.'

'Smells delicious, Lily,' Remus said, smiling and James took it as a way for Remus to say, yes, to his suggestion.

'So, Remus, you never told me earlier, what's your secret behind the haircut?' Lily asked, reaching out to ruffle Remus's hair. Harry copied her movement, yanking on Remus's hair and laughing when James tickled him under his arms in an attempt to let go.

'There's no secret. Elf wanted to cut it, so I let him.'

James laughed. 'You know, in all the years I've known you, I don't think I've ever seen you with short hair. Hell, you had the longest hair amongst us boys even back in first year!'

Remus blushed, and Lily pushed James lightly on the shoulder. 'I think you look very handsome, Remus. Elphias did a lovely job of it.'

'Don't tell him that,' Remus warned jokingly, 'he'll take it as permission to grope you.'

'He seems very happy these days,' Lily commented idly, 'it's good of you to take care of him like that. I don't think anyone else would have taken him in even. Most of the Order still thinks he's a bit of a child really.'

Remus smiled. 'Would you believe it if I told you  _he_  takes care of  _me_?'

'Oh?'

'He earns his way into the house, even though he doesn't have to,' Remus explained. 'He might be immature but he's definitely not a child. No one in the Order has given him the chance to prove that yet.'

James eyebrows rose in surprise. 'You seem close.'

Remus shrugged, but said nothing, leaving James to wonder if there was more to Remus and Elphias's relationship than what met the eye. He looked at Lily to see if she was thinking the same thing, but she had already started a new topic of conversation with Remus and the two of them were happily chatting away with each other. Not wanting to be left out, Harry joined in with his unintelligible babbles and James took it as an invitation to start talking as well, vaguely wondering where Sirius had gotten to.

In fact, it came to a point where the food was getting cold and they were all tired of waiting for Sirius to arrive, so Lily had suggested they put Harry to bed and start dinner while it was still edible. It was when James was in the middle of a particularly amusing story about Quaffles and Bludgers that the doorbell finally rang. James had reluctantly gone to answer the door and abandoned his punch line. He received the shock of his life when Sirius entered without so much as a hello, smelling strongly of booze and sex. He had another equally disheveled man strapped under his left arm.

It didn't escape James's notice that the man had exactly the same shade of brown hair as Remus.

'Sirius is here,' James announced gravely, as they walked into the dining room; or in Sirius's case, stumbled quite ungracefully into it. He had a very bad feeling about this and as James glanced at Remus through the corner of his eyes, he knew it wasn't without reason. 'He brought along a guest, it seems.'

'Philip Chapman,' the other man slurred, ironically choosing to introduce himself to Remus first.

Remus nodded stiffly, his face impassive and closed down. It looked an odd contrast to the smile he'd been wearing only minutes before. 'Pleasure,' he replied politely, before resuming his eating.

James mused at how in control Remus was. Had it been Lily in Sirius's place, James would have ripped the other man's throat. ''Why are you late? Harry fell asleep waiting for you.' James scolded, ignoring the warning glares he received from his wife.

'Got caught up,' Sirius replied distractedly, as he buried his face in Chapman's neck and sucked on the skin there, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Remus's grip on his fork tightened, but he said nothing. He kept a strong focus on his plate, and Lily shot a worried glance at him and James. 'Sirius, we're here for dinner,' Lily said in a low, dangerous voice.

'Mm, sorry,' Sirius replied back, not looking sorry at all and not ceasing his ministrations on Chapman, who seemed to have as much table manners and courtesy as Sirius. Sirius's hands were wandering under the table, and James really didn't want to know what they were doing or where they'd been previously.

'Sirius!'

Sirius smirked wickedly and moved away only slightly. The two of them were still sticking to each other sickeningly, and James couldn't stop his lip from curling in disgust at their display. 'Can't help it,' Sirius purred lowly, shooting Remus a daring look before resuming his staring at Chapman, who growled in approval.

Both Lily and Remus's jaws twitched, and then there was a simultaneous clatter of silverware as Sirius pulled Chapman into an aggressive kiss, tounge first and skill nonexistent. James stared open mouthed, completely taken by shock. He looked at Lily and saw her mirroring the sentiment and suddenly, James realised why. They'd never seen Sirius kiss a man before. As long as Remus and Sirius had been together, they'd never publicly shown affection for each other, even in front of their best friends. In fact, the most James had ever seen Remus and Sirius do was hold hands and exchange flirtatious comments.

And now…

James blinked, trying to dispel the sick feeling in his stomach and turned his focus to Remus instead, only to find that Remus had left. Lily seemed to have noticed this before he did and was about to go after their friend, but James stopped her with a hand of her shoulder and ran out as fast as he could.

'Moony, wait! Remus!'

Remus whipped around, his face livid and his hair flying above his head from the slight breeze in the air. ' _What,_  Prongs? What more could you possibly want from me?'

James stopped, hands on his knees as he panted out his concern. 'Just…are you alright?'

Remus laughed bitterly. 'Am I alright? Bloody hell, Prongs, no!' he cried, his voice echoing sorrowfully in the relatively empty neighbourhood. 'I'm not even close! I'm a wreck, is that what you wanted to hear?'

James approached him slowly, cautiously resting a hand upon his shoulder. 'Moony, look, I know you're upset. Fuck, I would be too, but just stay for dinner. We'll-'

'No!' Remus screamed, looking so dangerous that even James had to step back. 'No, James, I'm not doing anything you ask of me, alright? So just stop it! Just-' He took a deep shuddery breath and James saw the beginnings of tears form in his eyes. 'Just stop trying to put me and Sirius together; stop all these ridiculous schemes and plots! This isn't a prank that you can just think up and have fun with, okay? This is my life! This is my life!'

James felt his throat close; this was his fault. All of this, it was his fault. 'Remus, I'm sorry. I just thought that if I-'

'If you what, Prongs?' Remus snapped.

James stuttered, 'If I-'

Remus moved away, hands fisting in his hair. 'He hates me, am I the only one who sees it? He hates my fucking guts, so just get it in your head that it's  _over_.'

'Remus…'

'Do you know how I know this, Prongs?' Remus asked slightly more calmly. When James didn't answer, Remus choked out his answer, his tears falling freely down his cheeks. 'I can't feel him,' he replied, to James's utter confusion. It was when James noticed that Remus's hand was placed over his heart that he finally understood what Remus was talking about.

 _The bond – their special connection_ that deep down, both James and Lily had always envied slightly.

James looked up at Remus's face – wet and red from all the screaming, his eyelashes clumped together and his hair sticking to the corners of his face. It was the first time James was seeing Remus cry. He had come close once, after Sirius's deadly prank, but James hadn't allowed it then, and Remus had agreed and gathered himself together. But now, Remus, one of the strongest people James knew, was shivering and shaking from the weight of his tears, and James had indirectly been the cause of it.

'Please just let me be, James, please. I'm begging you,' Remus pleaded quietly, walking further away when James reached out to touch him. 'Just give me some time alone. Just let me breathe again, yeah?'

As Remus disapparated, James knew that their friendship was officially broken; that Remus would never come to him if he needed help or even just a friend. In fact, he didn't know it then, but neither James nor Lily would see Remus until mid September. James felt as if he'd officially managed to chase Remus away, _crying_ , and the very thought sent such an unspeakable, all-consuming rage through him that he nearly shook from the pressure of it.

James had completely lost his mind after that, not even aware of how much pain he was causing as he marched back into the house and slammed Sirius roughly against the wall. 'WHAT THE SODDING HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU BASTARD?'

' _James!'_ Lily cried, immediately pulling at his shoulder. James ignored her, but had the presence of mind to notice that she'd somehow gotten rid that bastard, Philip Chapman. It was a good thing, too because James would have  _killed_  him.

James's fists tightened on the collar of Sirius's shirt, raising him a good few inches off the ground despite being noticeably shorter. 'HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU JUST…'

'I CAN DO WHATEVER I PLEASE!' Sirius screamed, spittle flying out. 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO STOP ME?'

James felt as if his head was going to explode. 'YOU'RE RIGHT! WHO THE FUCK AM I? JUST SOME CRAZY OLD CHAP LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, YEAH? WHY WOULD YOU NEED SOMEONE LIKE THAT?'

Sirius struggled, his nails digging into James's skin as he tried to pry off James's hands. 'LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARD!'

' _James, stop it!'_

'NO,' James yelled, pushing Sirius hard so that his head collided with a wall painfully. 'NOT UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I'VE WARNED YOU BEFORE! NO ONE, SIRIUS, AND I MEAN, NO ONE FUCKS WITH MOONY, YOU GET THAT?'

Sirius looked at him incredulously for a while before bursting out into hysterical laughter. Shocked at Sirius's manic behaviour, James nearly let him go. 'Too late, James,' Sirius spat venomously, 'because that cockney slut already has his dirty hands on him.'

It took a very long time for James to understand what and who Sirius was talking about; and then it clicked.  _Elphias._  James shook his head to himself, unable to comprehend the lengths Sirius would go to, to prove a point, to exact revenge. 'I can't believe you, Sirius. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU! You're jealous! After all you've done, you're jealous?'

Sirius's nostrils flared. 'I'm not-'

But James wasn't listening anymore. He was sick, and tired, and so very angry. There was a limit. There was a limit to how much brotherhood could do and there was a limit to how much he could stand of this nonsense, and both of them had been crossed today the minute Remus had shed a tear. 'You spread your legs wide for everybody thinking you'll get a replacement for Remus, and when there might be the slightest indication that Remus might have found someone else, you can't stand it, can you? You can't stand him being happy! Fuck you, you sick bastard!'

' _James, just calm down.'_

James let Sirius drop, wiping his hands on his trousers as if he'd been touching filth this whole time. 'Get out,' he whispered dangerously, jaw set and eyes steely as he glared at Sirius, disgusted by the stink of alcohol emanating from him and the entirely unrepentant look on his face.

' _James, there's no need to-'_

'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!'

* * *

 

Remus slammed the door shut so hard that the hinges shook and fell off. His fists were clenched so tight that they were threatening to draw blood and in some sick way, it felt good. It felt good to draw blood when you were angry, even if was your own. It felt even better to punch something, and Remus had never longed to get into a fight more his entire life. He needed to hit, to scream, to vent his anger off somewhere before he exploded. He didn't know who he was furious at more; Sirius, for so casually displaying his conquests, or himself for actually reacting so violently to it, despite his logical mind telling him that the two of them were no longer together and Sirius could do whatever and whomever he wanted.

It hurt. It hurt so much that for the first time, Remus was opting for Sirius's method and expressing himself through anger and rage. It was a lot easier than breaking down and surrendering to his emotions. It was a lot easier than just falling down on his knees and crying himself dry. The tears were useless, so Remus decided he would break the vase that lay innocently on the centre table.

That was when he noticed the blood on his floor and felt his anger get replaced by confusion, then concern. 'Elf?' he called out, even though he knew the young boy was supposed to be on a mission. 'Elphias?'

Elphias stumbled out of the kitchen door, wide eyed and holding a bloody hand to his shoulder. 'Remy! You're 'ome early! I'm sorry! I was goin' to clean up, 'onest! I'm makin' a right mess, but-'

'Merlin, Elphias, you're bleeding! Shut up and sit down, for God's sake!' Remus scolded, grabbing the boy by his elbow and forcing him to sit down on the couch, despite his numerous protests about staining, and cleaning, and other sorts of Elphiasian rubbish. 'What happened?' Remus asked, quickly and easily ripping the shoulder of Elphias's robe to get better access to the wound.

'S not as bad as rippin' my only set o' robes,' Elphias grouched.

A lot of the material of Elphias's robes had somehow fused with the skin and gathered inside the already deep cut on his shoulder. 'What hex is this?' Remus asked with his brows furrowed. Wizards rarely used physically wounding hexes; cuts and bruises were never as much as a symptom as pain or extra appendages.

'Couple o' them together, I s'pose,' Elphias replied, wincing as Remus tried to clean his cut with his wand.

When it didn't seem to be getting anywhere, Remus summoned a few potions and a pair of pincers. Remus only knew one person who had ever attacked anyone with hexes that cut, but that person was back in school and a somewhat distant memory.  _Sectusempra._ Remus didn't want to think about it, so he pushed it to the back of his mind.

Elphias hissed in pain and leant his head against Remus's shoulder for support, breathing heavily. 'Hurts,' he whined, clutching at Remus's shirt tightly and staining it with his own blood.

Remus put a reassuring hand on top of Elphias's head. 'Just a bit more. It's deep, so you're lucky it didn't get infected.'

Elphias nodded, his breath coming out in short bursts. 'I watched Ms. Meadows fall.'

Remus's hands stilled momentarily before he went back to work.

'The Healers ain't sure if she'll make it,' Elphias continued. 'Merlin, me ol' man woulda hexed me if he saw me today. Pathetic.'

'You're the best dueler there, Elf,' Remus chided softly.

'Wasn' payin' attention. Wasn' quick 'nough. Speed, tha's wha' I was taught, you know,' Elphias condescended himself, digging his face further into Remus's shoulder. 'Me ol' man use to say tha' a half-pint like me always has advantage of speed.'

'Hush, Elf, and test your shoulder to see if it's alright,' Remus said softly.

Elphias wiggled his shoulder slightly, making a keening noise where the wound might have pained him. He didn't protest however and used his newly healed shoulder to wrap his arms around Remus, his head adjusting to pillow more comfortably against Remus's chest. 'Need a drink,' he muttered into Remus's shirt. 'We could go to Queen's?'

'London's dangerous at this time,' Remus explained, feeling sudden fondness for this boy who so easily belittled all of Remus's worries with his pleas for affection and his troubled thinking. 'Tomorrow, I promise.'

'And you'll dance wit' me?' Elphias asked hopefully, looking up at Remus with bright eyes.

'Sure,' Remus smiled. 'And I'll even watch you pull. How does that sound, eh?'

Elphias nodded, settling his head back against Remus's chest. 'You smell nice,' he commented casually, as if talking about the weather. 'You was angry when you came in. Was somethin' worryin' you? Didn' the dinner go well?'

Remus sighed heavily and rested his chin on top of Elphias's head. 'I'm fine,' he replied, burying more of himself under the dirt where it belonged.

* * *

 

'Moony!' James didn't even give Remus the chance to get out of the floo before enveloping him in a desperate hug, causing soot and dust to rise above their heads and fall back again. Peter patted James on the back awkwardly as he got out after Remus, but James couldn't care less. They didn't understand. None of them did except perhaps Remus. 'I don't know what to do, Moony, I don't know…I can't go and…I-I-'

'How did this happen, Prongs?' Remus asked, his tone sounding calm and comforting to James's ears after listening to almost an hour's worth of crying, bad news, and uncomfortable silence.

James shook his head, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. 'I don't know. There are Aurors at the Prophet headquarters, but they reckon the explosion was caused by Muggles. There's no indication of magic whatsoever, but they're relocating just in case.'

Remus nodded. 'Peter told me.' He looked past James's shoulder, probably at Sirius who had been sitting there stoic on the sofa ever since he arrived to the Potter Manor. 'How is he?'

At the mention of his father, James felt a fresh wave of tears grip him. 'He's dying,' he choked out, and Remus pulled him into another embrace, patting his back reassuringly. 'After his last attack, the Healers had warned us something like this could happen, but we didn't think-'

'I know,' Remus whispered, 'it's okay. It's okay.'

'He should have retired ages ago. He should have, but he never listens and he wanted to work. Remus, I can't-'

'Does Lily know?'

James shook his head, sniffing and hoping he didn't get Remus's shoulder too wet. He felt slightly ashamed for relying on his friend so much, especially when this friend has had nothing but grief from him and was probably in more pain than he was at the moment. 'She and Harry are visiting her parents…they live in a muggle area, so…'

Remus nodded, turning to Peter, who was standing awkwardly beside them and shifting from foot to foot. 'Peter, can you apparate there and fetch Lily, please? I'm sure she'd like to know.'

Peter nodded, walking out of the room without a word.

'How did you do this?' James asked, feeling sick; feeling as if he needed to kill himself to make all this stop. 'How did you…with your parents? How did you stand this, Remus?'

Remus smiled kindly. 'I had my friends and so do you,' he replied and James couldn't have been more grateful at that very moment. 'Anything you need, James…' He left the sentence unfinished, but James knew what he meant and that was all that mattered. 'Is Mr. Potter asleep?'

James shrugged, sniffing. 'I haven't had the courage to see him since the Healer announced there was nothing they could do. I don't want to watch my dad die, Moony.'

'Your dad doesn't want to die alone, James,' Remus replied softly, a firm hand placed on James's shoulder. 'He'll want you there for him and this isn't the time for you to be selfish.'

Remus was right of course, he always was, so James took a deep breath, pulled himself together, and nodded firmly. He received a pat on the back in return and as he left, Remus quickly wiped away James's stray tears with the back of his hand. 'You'll do fine,' he whispered, and James felt that the statement might not be entirely true, but it didn't hurt to try.

James had gotten as far as the door to the bedroom when he'd heard his father coughing and lost his nerve. He turned, practically running back towards the living room, promptly deciding that he'd wait until Peter brought Lily. Lily was braver than he was and would bring him infinite strength and comfort in a way that only a wife could. As the coughing grew louder, James quickened his pace, his heart threatening to explode and his eyes stinging from suppressed emotions. He was being a coward, he knew, but things were easier said than done, and this was his father, damn it. His father who had been a strong, powerful, and intelligent man; who had done nothing to deserve this. He had tried to bring justice to the wizard world, and this is what he'd gotten in return. His father had sunk with his ship, the newspaper he'd worked and given his life too.

James was about to burst into the living room when he saw something that made him skid on his heels and his jaw drop.

Sirius and Remus were in a tight embrace and there was an unmistakable tone of tears in Sirius's voice as he spoke, for the first time in months, to Remus. 'I don't know what to do anymore,' Sirius cried into Remus's neck, his voice muffled. 'I haven't talked to James in over a month, and I…I don't think they want me here, Moony.'

 _Moony._ Sirius never called Remus Moony anymore. It had started even before their breakup, back when their relationship had gotten too impersonal.

'He's as good as your father, Sirius,' Remus said softly, making James wonder how much strength it took to be holding and comforting the man who had brought him to tears not too long ago. 'Maybe more because you actually loved him and James would want you here more than anyone else.'

Sirius sniffed, holding Remus unbearably tight, and James had to move back a little more to stay hidden. 'Fuck, I was so awful to him, Remus. I was just…I couldn't even comfort him. He was crying for hours before you came, and I didn't do anything. I'm just so-'

'Shh,' Remus soothed, rocking their bodies together and running his hair through thick, black hair. 'You were upset. It's okay.'

Sirius shook his head, looking up at Remus as he wiped his blotchy face. His cheeks and nose were red from all the crying he must have been doing, and there was an odd imprint of Remus's jacket beside his left eye where he'd rested his head. For a moment, it seemed time stood still and they were gazing as if they'd never seen each other before. As if it was the first time they'd met; as if they were falling in love all over again…

It was one of those moments that James and Lily often shared, when James couldn't believe how lucky he was to have the person he loved in his arms; when he found it crazy just how much he'd do for Lily and how much he'd give up just to see a smile on her face. It was one of those moments where no one and nothing existed beyond the two of them.

Sirius's hand came up to touch Remus's cheek softly, his thumb moving gently to the flutter of Remus's eyes. 'Remus,' he whispered low before leaning down to kiss him softly. James looked away after that, feeling like an intruder during an intimate moment between his two best friends. Inwardly, he couldn't help but feel tiny bubbles happiness burst through all his sorrow at the thought of his friends getting back together. Perhaps the Marauders weren't dead after all; perhaps Remus and Sirius getting back together was the start of all things good or at least a weld in the broken link.

'I'm sorry,' James heard Sirius say after a while, and he looked back at them to see Remus's arms fall from Sirius's waist. 'I shouldn't have…I don't know what I was thinking.'

Remus backed away, leaving a vast gap between them. 'It's okay. Don't worry about it. It was cheap,' Remus said resentfully, looking down at his feet, ' _convenient.'_  His voice might have sounded mournful, but when Remus looked up again, his face had put on a brave front. Remus had gotten so good at hiding his emotions that for a second, James actually believed that the kiss had not happened; that maybe somehow he was imagining things.

'Remus, that's not-'

Remus turned his back to him, taking a deep breath as he said, 'Go to your family, Sirius. They need you.'

It wasn't until Remus had thrown the floo powder into the flames that Sirius, body trembling and fist clenching, asked the question James would always remember as a turning point, 'Why are you doing this, Remus?' His voice wavered, and Sirius scrubbed at his face angrily. 'Why are you always so good to me?'

Remus smiled bitterly. 'You just don't get it, do you?' he asked, one foot already in the fireplace. 'Sirius, I love you. There is no reason.' Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes, ready to disappear into the flames when Sirius ran and caught him by the arm.

'I can't do this anymore,' he cried, pulling an astonished Remus to him. When Remus struggled in his embrace, Sirius only held him tighter, effectively locking his arms together. 'I can't. I don't care what they say. I don't care if you're a Death Eater. I don't-'

Through Sirius's babbling, everything spilled out: how Sirius thought Remus was the spy; how his suspicions were still there stronger than ever; how Peter and so many other people and the Prophet kept talking about werewolves and their disloyalty. Sirius cried through his inconsistent explanations of how he had fought against all these accusations, but came to believe them when they threatened to overwhelm him and Remus got too distant to talk to anymore. Sirius told him everything, even the people he'd slept with in his attempt to forget Remus; how he'd pretended to be friends with Remus to spy on him; how he'd punched Elphias and got into fights over Remus and deliberately wanted to hurt Remus on Harry's birthday to make him feel what he felt.

The truth leaked out of Sirius uncontrollably and in a rush of words, like water from a broken dam. There were things even James didn't know and through half of it, he wasn't even sure who Sirius was anymore. If Sirius was truly the same boy he'd called his brother all these years; if he'd been that blind to the conflicts in Sirius's head and unable to solve anything or help his two best friends. In the end, James wasn't even sure if he hated Sirius, loved him, or just felt sorry for him.

Towards the end, James couldn't even stand looking at Remus; couldn't bear to think of what he had to be going through as he was locked in Sirius's grip and forced to listen to everything that had been done against him. James made the mistake of trying to get a glimpse of Remus as they disentangled and immediately regretted it as he saw nothing but flotsam and devastation. Remus looked as if something inside of him had just simply shriveled up and died, leaving him a shell of an empty human being. James wanted to scream, to yell at everyone and especially God for making things so difficult all the time, for seemingly putting all of them through every single tragedy possible. He wanted to hit Sirius and hug him at the same time for having finally come to his senses or lost it enough to confront Remus, to admit to everything he'd done and finally feel sorry for it.

Mostly, he wanted to run after Remus as he turned a deaf ear to Sirius's cries for him to  _come back_  and  _please just talk to him, or look at him, or anything, and tell him that he hadn't just made a big mistake spilling all these secrets._ He wanted to grab Remus by the shoulders and pull him back as he walked almost pale and zombie-like into the fireplace. Remus's voice came out hoarse and dry as he muttered ' _Hogwarts'_  before disappearing into the flames.

Sirius was breathing hard from the constant wave of tears he seemed to be submerged in, and James hesitated before walking away to let Sirius gather himself up on his own and retain the little dignity he had left. James sat outside his father's door for half an hour listening to his mother's soothing voice as she talked to his father about everyday things. He sat there until Sirius had entered with Lily and Peter on either side of him.

And when Sirius looked at him, frightened and hesitant, James smiled weakly. Sirius nodded, placing a firm hand on James's shoulder and guiding him into the room.

* * *

 

**ALASTOR MOODY'S SUCCESSFUL DEATH EATER RAID!**

_**Theodore Wanes, Daily Prophet Reporter** _

' _Our tactics are being revised, our forces being retrained. These attacks will end and that is my promise to you.'_

_These were the determined words of Alastor Moody when questioned last month about the escalating rise in Death Eater assaults on muggle born and half blood wizards. The promise has apparently not been forgotten as the DMLE marched into the Pettigrew residence last night for a full house search after receiving reports of suspicious Death Eater activities from an unnamed source._

_Sources report that the aurors found many stolen documents from the Ministry itself, Dark equipments, and the signature mask of Voldemort's followers all underneath a well concealed trap door in the basement. Peter Pettigrew was arrested at 2:15 AM, 18th of September, 1981._

_Mrs. Donna Pettigrew, Peter Pettigrew's mother, denied all accusations and continues with the firm belief that her son is being set up. Whether she has been actively involved in Death Eater activities remains to be questioned, and she is being held in court until her innocence is confirmed. The Pettigrew trial is scheduled for the 19th of September, 1981._

_Bartemius Crouch, Head Judge and candidate for the next minister commented on the matter, 'Pettigrew's capture should be taken as a warning to all the other Death Eaters out there. Our forces have tightened and we are fighting back.' When asked if they have managed to gain any lead on the ongoing Death Eater activities, Crouch has this to say, 'We have offered to lessen Pettigrew's sentence in exchange for information on Voldemort and his followers, and have full confidence that Pettigrew will agree to help us.'_

_For more information on the Pettigrew trial, turn to page 5._

* * *

 


	43. Comfortably Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**17th September, 1981** _

Numb.

Remus was numb to everything; to his feelings, to the flames that surrounded him and licked at his skin hungrily, to the dizzying feeling of his head spinning as he fell out of the Hogwarts Floo and into Dumbledore's office. He didn't want to think, not about anything or anyone especially. He didn't want to listen anymore, or know anymore, or even breathe. He just…

'Ah, Remus, I assume you're here to pick up young Elphias. He's down at Hagrid's, but he'll be here shortly so-' Dumbledore who had been steadily gazing at his Pensive since Remus's arrival, looked up in alarm. 'Remus, my boy, are you quite all right?'

Remus stood up, not bothering to brush the soot off his clothes as he stumbled heavily into the nearest chair. He noticed a silvery face – enormous glasses and chains of odd beads – slowly dissolve into the contents of the Pensive, an almost haunting, but unintelligible voice echoing behind. 'Professor,' Remus forced out, finding it hard to simply talk; his throat had closed up too tight and too restricting. 'You told me that if I ever had any… any trouble…I could always come to you.'

'And the offer still stands,' Dumbledore replied kindly, settling back in his seat and adjusting his half moon glasses to give Remus his full attention.

Remus wished he could look the Professor in the eye, but his head didn't seem to want to move  _(I'm not worthy)_ from its bowed position. 'I have…a theory, sir. I might be wrong but…I've heard some things and perhaps…you could…'

Dumbledore must have nodded his ascent, but Remus didn't see it. He felt unacknowledged, in fact, until Dumbledore put a reassuring hand on the crown of his head and forced his head to lift up enough so that he was no longer hiding behind his uneven hair. His head swam as he looked at Dumbledore, and he lost the steady concentration of thoughts he'd kept up for so long momentarily. His weakness must have been very obvious because Dumbledore put a steadying hand upon his shoulder, using the other hand to pour a drink with his wand.

'It'll help,' Dumbledore said softly as he pressed the glass into Remus's hands.

 _Absinthe,_ Remus realised as he stared at the milky opalescence bubbling inside the glass,  _not Firewhisky._ He gulped it down in one go, wincing as it burned down his throat and brought the world around him to a sharper focus.

'I think I know who the spy is,' Remus swallowed, looking longingly at his glass and wishing Dumbledore would fill it one more time. His thoughts were coming much more clearly now – piecing together with better definition as he talked and wondered why he hadn't realised it sooner. Why something so obvious had completely escaped his notice.

_Because he's your friend._

It was the beginning of his uninterrupted explanations. Remus told Dumbledore everything Sirius had just confessed to him with a heavy heart. He carefully kept the details of their relationship or lack thereof, hidden, though Remus suspected that Dumbledore knew if the sympathetic expression on his face was anything to go by. Remus added in a few things of his own, things he'd noticed such as Peter's long absences, the secrecy with his work, the uncanny knack of knowing what was happening before everyone else did. He even recalled an edited version of the conversation he'd had with Peter not too long ago, the one where Peter had asked him if he trusted Sirius. Vaguely, as Remus retold all his encounters, he wondered what his answer would be if Peter asked the same question again.

Remus already knew why Peter would go to such levels; he had always tried to play with the big teams, to hide behind forces he knew would protect him. It made sense that Peter would join Voldemort at some level, but then again, it didn't. Peter had always been a decent fellow, a little cowardly but big hearted. He had always respected and adored James, copied and worshipped James's every move. So what had happened? What had they missed in between the complications of war and their own lives? When had Peter decided that his friends weren't enough anymore?

When he finally finished, Remus was breathing heavily and feeling heavier than he'd started out. Too many things had happened too quickly and everything seemed to be tearing holes through Remus's very being. He looked up at Dumbledore who looked both worried and contemplative, his wand slowly swirling the contents of the Pensive in front of him. Remus wondered warily which memory Dumbledore had chosen to look through and if it matched his suspicions about Peter.

'You're allegations are based on personal experiences, you realise,' Dumbledore said after a long time, eyes closed in thought. 'There's no solid ground of accusation, but your words.'

Remus nodded, hoping as well as dreading to be proved wrong. Perhaps he'd assumed things too quickly? He wanted to ask Dumbledore the verdict, but felt that he'd exhausted his speech. Remus no longer wanted to talk; he'd done his job and just wanted to be left alone.

'But it would certainly explain a lot of things.' There seemed to be an air of finality in Dumbledore's statement and when nothing more was said, Remus took it as a cue for him to leave. He nodded on last time at the old Headmaster, before turning towards the floo and going to the one place he knew would help him lose himself and forget everything, momentarily at least.

' _Parson House!'_

Remus discovered Parson House when he was twelve; it wasn't far from the town he lived in and his dad had driven by it on the way home from the station. It was in one of those houses that no one ever bothered to complete. There were many rumours as to why, ranging from the owners going bankrupt to them dying. Remus didn't particularly care because to him, the Parson House was tragically beautiful in its abandoned state. It stood alone, surrounded by overgrown grass that reached almost up to Remus's chest. There were no other houses nearby because the land was known for its unruly plant growth and odd soil, making it incapable of providing a proper foundation. Or so the experts said.

Remus had only come here once with Sirius after his Uncle Alphard had passed away and they had ventured the house to find it empty save for a few mattresses, empty beer bottles, and an oddly orange fireplace. Spending time there had been a good way to find peace and lose themselves in a flurry of dust, rickety wood, and bright green grass.

It was for that very reason that Remus found himself falling out of the familiar orange fireplace, now chipped from age, and letting his feet carry him out of the house. He was gaining pace, he realised, as his feet started to move faster. The grass rustled noisily against his trousers, but not loud enough to drown the sounds of Sirius's voice that seemed embedded into his skull.

' _I didn't want to believe it at first, and now I don't even care. I don't care if you're a Death Eater. I don't care even if you sell me off to Voldemort.'_

Remus was running now, so fast that the grass surrounding him was nothing but a haze of bright green. All those years; all those years of giving every inch of himself to the people he thought cared about him. All those years he spent like a fool, thinking that nobody cared that he was a werewolf, that he could have genuine friends if he wanted to. He'd been pulled down lower than an animal in a matter of seconds.

' _There is no werewolf resistance. I've looked through every paper, every article, every Ministry record I could possibly find. I didn't want to think Peter was right because I didn't want to think you would lie to me. But you did. You did, Remus, all the time when I think about it.'_

They could have told him. They could have told them how they felt, and Remus would have left.  _James, and Lily, and Sirius_ …they didn't need to mock him that way; they didn't need to make him feel like he was worth something if they didn't mean it. He could have handled it. He could have handled it if they'd just let go of him instead of twisting and turning his arm till it finally broke.

' _I just…I hated staying in the same room as you. I couldn't look at you without wondering if I was next. If it ever came down to killing me, would you?'_

Remus wanted to scream. He wanted to scream till he lost his voice and couldn't speak anymore. He wanted to scream until the calm in the air around him broke and something phenomenal, anything decided to take pity on him and kill him already. He wanted to scream because he'd cried himself dry too many times and it had done nothing to relieve the pain that was slowly spreading across his body, consuming and overwhelming him. It was when Remus's knees collapsed underneath him that he realised he  _was_  screaming like a mad man, letting himself get swallowed by the overgrown grass.

He screamed, and screamed, and screamed until his head started pounding and his body was drained out of all energy. The dizzying wakefulness that the absinthe had provided him was slowly fading, and Remus welcomed the blurring of his thoughts and Sirius's voice. He panted in short sharp bursts, letting his body fall backwards and his legs spread across the expanse of grass underneath him.

Closing his eyes, he found that it was easier to shut his mind when he didn't have to look at the star(s) shining brightly above him.

'Remy?'

* * *

 

Elphias braved a few steps closer, shaking from both fear and shock of what he'd just seen. 'Remy?'

Remus's eyelashes fluttered in time with the heavy rise and fall of his chest. 'What are you doing here, Elf?' he asked, almost soundlessly. Elphias was surprised he could speak at all after having screamed that loud; he didn't think he'd ever seen Remus let go of himself. It frightened Elf more than a little.

'I followed you from Dumbledore's office,' Elphias replied cautiously, not sure whether the information would trigger another outburst from the werewolf or not. When Remus didn't reply or even acknowledge him, Elphias braved a seat beside him. 'I didn' mean to listen in, but-'

'You heard,' Remus finished solemnly. His eyes scrunched tight, but he refused to open them for some reason. Elphias wondered if he was fighting back tears perhaps and lay what he hoped was a comforting hand upon Remus's cheek.

'Sorry,' Elphias replied meekly, his hand rising up to brush back Remus's hair. He felt a little claustrophobic encased within the tall grass and wished he could see beyond it, even if just a little. 'Cor, where are we?'

'Rock bottom,' Remus snorted, before bursting out into hysterical laughter that quickly turned into a strangled sob. 'Go away, Elphias,' Remus said, turning his head away. 'Leave me alone, please.'

Elphias's hand twitched, wondering whether he should heed Remus's words or not. Sometimes, Elphias knew, it was better to leave people to themselves. But Remus looked so distraught and broken that Elphias didn't dare; couldn't in case something happened or Remus hurt himself.

So Elphias stayed put, keeping a good distance between them. Remus didn't say anything after that and Elphias was left to wonder why Sirius Black would do something like that. Why… _how_  could he suspect the one person who loved him every second of every day so unconditionally? What he wondered most of all was how Peter Pettigrew could stage this whole misunderstanding so flawlessly and without a hint of guilt showing through?

Elphias had never thought much of Pettigrew; he'd been practically unnoticeable and slightly odd compared to the rest his friends who had seemed vibrant and with attractive personalities of their own. Elphias had always considered Peter Pettigrew a bit of a shadow which had been trampled on a few too many times. Pudgy, blond, and always stuttering, if Elphias had been told that Pettigrew would turn out to be a Death Eater, he would have laughed. It proved yet again how deceptive appearances were.

Remus's breathing was slowing down now, his face looking tired and aged as his muscles slowly relaxed and gave into the exhaustion and helplessness he must have been feeling. Elphias didn't think he could even begin to imagine how much hurt Remus was covering up as he slowly faded in and out of sleep.

Hesitantly, Elphias lay down beside Remus, not stopping the hand that was slowly stroking Remus's hair. He was almost confident that Remus had fallen asleep here in the field, which was why he nearly jolted in shock when Remus swiftly turned to his side and caught Elphias in a bone crushing hug. 'Remy?'

'Don't…please don't,' Remus whispered, pressing his forehead against Elphias's shoulder.

Elphias didn't know what Remus was telling him not to do, so he kept quiet and wrapped his arms around Remus loosely. He could feel Remus trembling against him, Remus's breath coming out cold and uneven against his neck; it felt wrong somehow. It felt wrong to have to hold someone as they tried so hard to keep themselves upright. It felt wrong because only minutes ago, Elphias had seen Remus completely fall apart.

'Elf?' Remus whispered against his neck.

Elphias ran a hand down Remus's back. 'Yeah?'

'Can I-' Remus breathed deeply before pulling away slightly so that they were face to face. 'Can I kiss you?'

Amber eyes gazed upon Elphias's face questioningly, unsure of itself but channeling a certain need that Elphias couldn't ignore. So he swallowed the nervousness and worry he felt rising up his throat and nodded, letting Remus close the gap between them. The kiss didn't bring any fireworks, not like Elphias had sometimes imagined in his dreams. It was sweet and caring, just like Remus, and Elphias mused that this was probably what his first kiss should have tasted like – chocolate masking the bitter taste of spirit and tears. Ironically, it would also be the last time they would kiss.

It was over almost as quick as it started, and Elphias let his hands tangle in Remus's hair as their foreheads rested against one another. 'We could try this,' he said against Remus's moist lips. 'I could fall in love wit' you.' Elphias was sincere when he said he could; he truly believed that they could grow to love each other with a given amount of time. He already cared for Remus enormously, and he also knew that their friendship was different somehow – not in a way that lovers were but in a way that didn't need to be tainted with a title.

Remus shook his head slowly and for some reason, the rejection hurt less than Elphias imagined it would. Perhaps it was because he'd known Remus's answer even before Remus had. 'Never again,' Remus replied resentfully.

Elphias's jaw twitched with sudden anger towards Sirius Black and the rest of them.

'I hate him,' Remus spat before turning in Elphias's arms, so that they lay chest to back. Elphias didn't have to ask who 'him' was; there was only one person in the world that could reduce Remus to such a mess. Only one person that Remus had loved so hard and so much that even through his spite, his voice came out needy and disbelieving.

Elphias sighed and buried his face between Remus's shoulder blades, placing a small kiss there. Neither of them talked following Remus's declaration: Elphias because he lacked the tact and articulation to bring his friend any comfort, and Remus because he was far too distraught to speak anymore.

Elphias lay still for a long time after that, listening to Remus's breathing even out completely as he fell into a deep sleep. Elphias expected Remus to suffer from a bout of frightening nightmares and incomprehensive babbling that had become regularity especially after Mrs. Lupin's death. But as time wore on and Elphias watched Remus sleep, he was surprised to find the werewolf somewhat at peace.

Elphias hadn't had the heart to wake Remus up by apparating to the house after what was clearly an emotionally exhausting day. So he cast a cushioning charm underneath him and Remus, a warming charm, and spread his flimsy jacket over their bodies as a shield against the harsh night. The grass was horribly itchy, but Elphias would have done anything right then to keep Remus happy.

XxxxX

It was pain like he'd never known before.

Excruciating pain that started from the marrow of your bones and set your nerves on fire, bringing you close to blind unconsciousness and pulsing strong enough to make you wish you were dead. It was the sort of pain that made Sirius grip the edge of his office desk until his knuckles turned white, eyes squeezed tight, body doubled over, and breath coming out in sharp bursts.

Betrayal; those were the words spelled out in bold on the  _Daily Prophet_  underneath him.  _Lies, and betrayal, and treachery,_ all of them coming under one name –Peter Pettigrew.  _The dirty little rat_ had fed him stories, made him believe things that were so absolutely ridiculous that Sirius couldn't even believe how stupid he'd been all along. That bastard had been the Death Eater, and he'd been trying to cover his tracks this whole time. It was a good thing that Peter Pettigrew was in Azkaban right now, protected behind bars and Dementors, because Sirius would have  _killed_  him.

The  _Avada Kedavra_  would have worked under Sirius's wrath.

Sirius's hands scrabbled for the drawer handle, quickly pulling it open and searching blindly for the pack of cigarettes that he'd grown to keeping there. They were the same brand of cigarettes Remus used and somehow, Sirius never noticed it until today as he lit it with one frantic hand. The smoke rushed through his nostrils at the first exhale, clouding around his head and making him cough. He kept on smoking nonetheless, hoping in vain that the nicotine rushing through his veins would somewhat ease the pain. He should have known better, especially since the pain wasn't physical.

It was the pain of having lost you very soul.

'Oh, God, Remus,' Sirius whispered under his breath, feeling the ache in his chest intensify tenfold. 'Fuck, what have I done?' Sirius had never noticed it before but everything about his office seemed to be decorated with Remus's essence. There were cigarettes that Remus smoked, colours that Remus loved, pictures that Remus took during their Hogwarts years and James and Lily's wedding. There was even the picture of the two of them that James had asked him to keep. 'Fuck!' Sirius cried, crumpling the newspaper into a ball and flinging it angrily against the wall.

His eyes stung from a mixture of pain and remorse.

He'd lost him. Sirius had lost the one person that had truly meant anything to him, all because he'd listened to that bastard. All the things he'd done, all those cruel words he'd said out of spite and anger. Remus had forgiven him every time. Every single time, Remus had come to him, confided in him, treated him like a true friend, and even comforted him with soft touches and kind words. Would Remus forgive him this time? Sirius knew that if he was in Remus's place, he definitely wouldn't.

Sirius breathed deeply, fumbling for another cigarette and rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. He flopped down on his seat and rested his head against the cool wood of his table. He was so far gone that he didn't even notice Alice Longbottom bursting into his office in frenzy until she shook him by the shoulder.

'Sirius, are you okay?' She peered down at him with concern, shifting a little uncomfortably when Sirius looked back at her sorrowful, grey eyes.

'I'm fine,' Sirius rasped out, sitting straight. It was a lie really; he wasn't fine at all. He wasn't fine because his mind was circling with one thought alone: Remus.  _Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus…_

Alice nodded unsurely. 'We have bad news, I'm afraid.' She waited until Sirius motioned her to elaborate. 'Pettigrew's been Kissed.'

Just when Sirius thought things couldn't get any worse, the world fell apart. 'What?' he cried, louder than usual and then quieted down when Alice glanced warily outside. She closed the door and locked it with a silencing charm before she let Sirius speak again, 'The trial is scheduled for the twentieth, how could they just-'

'It was unwarranted,' Alice explained, cutting him off, 'Crouch had no idea until this morning. The Dementors, as their defense, claim that Pettigrew's emotions were stronger than the rest of the inmates. Irresistible, apparently.'

Sirius felt anger and incredulity rise in him, and he rose up from his chair with every intention to call for some much needed action. 'I can't believe those fucking-'

Alice pushed him down. 'No, Sirius, listen. No one is supposed to know about this, not even the Aurors. Crouch is paying the Prophet to keep things quiet for safety reasons-'

'To delusion the public, you mean,' Sirius snorted disdainfully. 'The bloody git should have never talked to the Prophet in the first place. Moody warned him against it, but he goes about telling everybody about his brave capture of a ruthless Death Eater and how he was going to beat answers out of him.'

'It caught Death Eater attention,' Alice replied agreeably. 'That's what Dumbledore believes, but he has nothing to prove that the Dementors are wading towards Voldemort. Crouch might believe him, but he's too harried up in this whole incident to listen.'

'Fuck.' Sirius reached out for his pack of cigarettes again and threw it away angrily when he found it to be empty. 'This was our one chance. Shit.' For some reason, he laughed. The situation wasn't very funny and his laughter was mostly humourless disbelief. He couldn't believe one of their childhood friends, the person they'd spent seven years living with had turned out to be such a dirty traitor. He couldn't believe that some way, somehow, Peter Pettigrew always escaped their grasp. Mostly, he couldn't believe that underneath all the anger, he was actually happy. He was bloody ecstatic that Peter had been Kissed; he deserved it, the motherfucker. He deserved being an empty shell of a human being for everything he did to Sirius; for taking Remus away from him.

'They're keeping Pettigrew in Azkaban,' Alice continued, her face scrunching up in distaste. 'To keep up appearances. He's no longer affected by the Dementors, and Crouch reckons he can pass off easily as another mental prisoner.'

'The sick bastard;' Sirius spat, completely disgusted. 'I'd never thought he'd sink this low.'

Alice hummed in approval. 'It's only because Dumbledore refuses to be Minister. Merlin, Crouch surpasses bloody cruelty.' She tapped her fingers against the desk, displaying chipped red nails. 'Are you going to visit Pettigrew?'

Sirius laughed humourlessly.

Alice frowned. 'He was your friend, you know.'

'He was my worst enemy; I just never knew it,' Sirius retorted callously,

'James refused as well, but Lily and I are going. Peter might have been the spy, but he never deserved this.' Alice sighed and laid a gentle hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'Dumbledore's calling for a meeting tonight at eight. He's going to break the news, so you can come if you like.'

Sirius bit his lip and looked up at her. 'Is Remus coming?' He hoped he didn't sound too desperate; Alice didn't know about their relationship but she knew about the fray that had come between the Marauders. He swallowed and asked again, 'Alice, is Remus coming?'

Alice shrugged. 'Dumbledore must have told him, I don't know. I tried his Floo, but no one answered.'

Sirius felt his chest contract, the unbearable pain returning with renewed vigour. 'Okay,' he whispered, nodding dejectedly. 'Yeah, alright.'

XxxxX

Mr. Potter's funeral was a solemn one. All the Order members had shown up to pay their respects, along with his Daily Prophet colleagues. There were a lot of family members, given that the Potters were a large pureblood clan, and Sirius even recognised some of his own relatives from amidst the crowd, however distant. Remus had come too, though Sirius had fully expected him not to.

The young werewolf stood away from everyone else, leaning against a tree with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He hadn't talked to James even once since he'd come; in fact, he hadn't even come close to any of them. He just stood there, gazing quietly as the funeral proceeded and people passed him by. Remus could have easily been mistaken for a statue – Sirius hadn't seen him move from his position even once and he had been watching Remus for a very long time. Remus didn't look any different from the last time Sirius saw him; he was still beautiful. But there seemed to be a hard edge to his beauty now – a set jaw, sharp focused eyes, and a completely neutral expression. It made Sirius wonder if Remus finally hated him.

'Prongs, is it okay if I leave for a bit?' Sirius asked, turning to look at James and Lily. James had taken the whole funeral with more calm than Sirius had expected him to. He had wept silently a few times, but had otherwise kept a strong fort hold under Lily's soothing reassurances and constant presence.

James nodded, glancing briefly at Remus and smiling weakly. 'Sure. Try and bring him over, won't you?'

Sirius gave a casual shrug before getting up and heading towards Remus. It felt like the longest walk of Sirius's life; the distance between them seemed insanely vast as Sirius's heart sped up from anticipation and fear. Halfway through, Remus had actually noticed Sirius's path towards him, but didn't seem to think of it as a matter of interest. His calm, cool gaze seemed to pierce Sirius's very soul and then finally shifted away to the people around them. Sirius may as well have not existed.

'Remus,' Sirius called, sounding a lot more breathless than he felt. 'How are you?'

Remus nodded in acknowledgement, but otherwise said nothing.

Sirius felt his throat close up and suddenly, he didn't think talking to Remus was that good of an idea. It felt a lot more difficult now that he was finally here. 'I-I'm really glad you could come…to the funeral,' he tried, hoping he wasn't stuttering too much. 'I thought you wouldn't, you know, after…'

'I didn't come here for you, Sirius,' Remus replied coldly, his eyes bright and dangerous in the sun.

Sirius's cheeks burned red. 'Moony, I'm really-'

'I don't care, Sirius,' Remus shot before Sirius could get any further. 'I really don't care about anything you have to say, so you might as well just save your breath.' He looked calm and fierce as he said this; nothing like the mess that Sirius felt he had been reduced to at Remus's harsh words. He deserved it, he knew, but that didn't stop it from hurting like hell. 'I'm done with you,' Remus spat finally, before walking away.

Sirius caught him by the wrist before he could go too far. 'Don't go without seeing James through, Remus, he needs you right now.'

Remus snatched his hand back roughly. 'He needs me?' He snorted derisively. 'Right. Tell me this, Sirius, who was first among you? Which of you decided to jerk me around first and which of you followed? You or James?'

'No!' Sirius cried, almost grabbing Remus again before catching himself. 'No, Remus, James and Lily…they never thought you were…' He swallowed heavily. 'Not once. That's what we'd had a fight over, James and I. He didn't believe a word, and…and looks like he was right not to…'

Remus stared at him for a while, brows furrowed as if wondering whether to believe Sirius's words or not. His head tilted slightly, making his hair fall sideways partly across his eyes. Sirius had never wanted to touch Remus more and yet, was too scared to even move.

'I'm not lying, Remus,' Sirius replied sincerely, stuffing his hands in his pockets to resist the urge to reach out.

Remus's jaw twitched momentarily before he nodded and walked away, leaving Sirius to wonder how long Remus's anger would stay and if there was anything he could do to make up for all his faults.

One good thing came out of the confrontation however and that was the breaking of tension between James, Lily, and Remus. Sirius felt a small fraction of relief to know that he'd at least fixed part of the situation. James and Lily had been nothing but supportive of Remus the whole time and they didn't deserve to be ignored or looked at with spite. To just think that Remus might have thought that the two of them had considered him as a Death Eater made Sirius's chest well up with guilt. Sometimes, he wished he could turn back time, all the way to a point when he'd started trusting that rat over his own lover. Perhaps if he'd just been more caring and receptive to Remus, these misunderstanding wouldn't have arisen. Perhaps he would have never heeded Peter's words if he'd had just a little more faith. But the past was done, and Sirius doubted if there was anything he could do but look ahead.

He sighed for the umpteenth time, leaning against the tree the same way Remus had as he watched James and Lily embrace Remus in an awkward hug. Lily lingered a little longer than James, and Sirius could read her lips as they formed the words  _'we missed you'_  and  _'thank you'._  Sirius stayed back, letting them have their moment. He didn't think Remus would appreciate his presence anyhow, not without hostility. Maybe in time, he could fix the friendship between him and Remus; it was certainly something he'd hoped for ever since the truth had been put out.

Sirius could do without love, but never without Remus…

* * *

 

'Dumbledore told me you were leaving tomorrow? That's why you were at Hogwarts the other day, right? To discuss the mission.'

Elphias nodded guiltily; seeing Remus's state, he hadn't told him about his assigned mission until now. Remus didn't look angry or upset by it, so that posed as somewhat of a relief and a disappointment. Elphias sighed, soaping up a second dish and waiting for Remus to finish the first before handing it over. 'S a short one; not much trouble.'

Remus hummed. 'It's close to your home, I think. A short drive away if I'm not mistaken.'

Elphias grinned weakly. 'Ne'er noticed?'

'No, of course not,' Remus replied, rolling his eyes sardonically. 'Do you plan to visit?'

Elphias nodded, perhaps looking a bit more excited than he should have. In truth, he'd been waiting for this mission for what felt like ages now and dreamt of going back home almost every night.

'Do you plan to come back?' Remus asked again, not quite looking at Elphias as he stacked up another plate in their already growing pile. 'Here, I mean.'

Elphias suddenly felt very uncomfortable and suddenly wondered why they were cleaning all the dishes in the cabinet. It wasn't like they were particularly dirty or used very often. In fact, he and Remus had been doing useless house chores all day. They should be relaxing; Remus had taken a well deserved day off from work for his transformation tonight. 'I don' know, 'onestly,' Elphias said finally, trying not to give the idea too much thought.

'You don't want to, though,' Remus said, in a very matter-of-fact tone.

Elphias paused his dishwashing to look at Remus better; he noticed Remus's shaking hands but didn't comment on them. 'I hate London, Remy. I hate the people an' the place an' everythin' 'bout her. You're 'bout the only thin' tha' keeps me sane here.'

Remus nodded understandingly, then frowned thoughtfully and looked back at Elphias again. 'You aren't going to grope me now, are you?'

Elphias smirked cheekily, the hand that was already halfway to Remus's arse quickly dropping behind Elphias's back. 'Was hopin' if I showed me sen'imental side, you know.'

Remus shook his head exasperated and started on toweling the finished dishes dry. Elphias, having nothing better to do and never missing the rare opportunity of spending time with Remus, joined him. 'I'd understand if you wanted to go back, Elf. I mean, I'd probably starve with no one to cook for me, but I think that it's pretty useless to wait for the end of the war to go back home. It's only going to get worse, and you can always fight your battles back at home where you-'

Remus's body started shaking all of a sudden, rough spasms jerking his body and making Elphias jump back in shock. Elphias watched, horrified and speechless, as Remus's body trembled violently – a lot like his hands had been doing only a minute ago. He looked around, trying to figure out what to do, but Elphias wasn't ready for this; Remus had never done anything of the sort. The plate in Remus's hand shattered to pieces, a lot of the shards still stuck to his hand because he was clenching it so tight.

'I-I'm fine,' Remus choked out, closing his eyes and trying to inhale deeply. 'Don't worry.' Remus took a few more deep breaths, muttering quietly to himself. Finally, after what felt like a torturous decade to Elphias, Remus's body stilled and his hands unclenched. 'It's okay,' Remus said softly before opening his eyes.

Elphias nearly screamed right then, but clapped a horrified hand to his mouth before he could. Remus's pupils were very near slits, and they looked so frightfully dangerous that Elphias backed away almost unconsciously. Remus's irises looked as if they were  _glowing._

'Elf, I won't hurt you,' Remus reassured and even as he said it, Elphias could see Remus's eyes changing. They were returning back to normal, his pupils expanding and his irises dulling to a familiar and comforting amber-brown. It was the first time Elphias had seen the wolf underneath the man and it had scared him shitless. 'Elf, its okay,'

Elphias breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. 'I know. I'm sorry.' He inched closer, encasing Remus's still wavering hands firmly within his to still it. 'Wha was that?'

'The wolf's angry and I'm too weak to fight it today. I've been trying to distract it all day,' Remus replied, sighing heavily.

 _Oh._  That explained a lot. 'Does it 'urt?'

Remus smiled, shaking his head sadly. 'But it will later. Elf, if something happens to me tonight-'

'Nothin's gonna happen to you!' Elphias cried, squeezing Remus's hands tight. 'You ain't that bad off! I've seen you worse!'

'If something happens to me, Elf,' Remus repeated solemnly, looking directly into Elphias's eyes, 'this house is yours to keep. I don't have anyone else to give it to, so anything-' Remus's eyes widened in shock as Elphias clapped a hand to Remus's mouth, effectively silencing him.

'We still got 'em glasses to finish.' Elphias hoped he sounded stern because in his mind, that was the end of their conversation. They weren't going to talk about it anymore, and Remus was damn well going to be fine!

That's what Elphias kept telling himself for the rest of the day but by evening, he was pacing holes into the floor. Remus had locked himself in the garage already, even though there was still almost an hour to go. Elphias didn't blame him; the wolf was starting to show more and more frequently in Remus's eyes. He knew Remus would never actually hurt him, but it scared Elphias a lot nonetheless. What scared him more was Remus's earlier words. Remus had looked so confident when he'd said that he might not make it; it was almost as if he  _knew_.

Elphias glanced at his bedroom clock again. Only five minutes had passed since he'd last looked at it, but the anxiety made him feel restless and impatient. The little kit that Mrs. Lupin had used to heal her son after transformations was already packed and ready to use beneath Elphias's bed; Elphias had spent a good fifteen minutes unnecessarily organising the potions and bandages. Elphias looked at the watch again and cursed when the hand hadn't even moved.

His hand twitched nervously. He couldn't take this anymore; the knowledge that Remus might not make it this time was driving Elphias crazy with the need to  _fucking do something._ He had ideas, dear Merlin, he had ideas, but none Remus would approve of and definitely none that would do him much good in the long term.

Elphias glanced at the clock again. 'Fuck this,' he cried, quickly running out of his room, down the staircase, and into the living room where the fireplace was burning merrily. Elphias decided right then that he was going to skip Dumbledore's mission and do what he could for Remus. He was going to regret this, he knew, but Remus's life was at stake and Elphias had no other option. Taking a deep breath, he threw the glittering powder into the fire before calling out, 'Sirius Black, DMLE!'

The spell shot out of Elphias's wand even before he tumbled out of the grate. It was a blind shot; minimum aim and maximum luck, which was why Elphias was astonished when he straightened on his feet to see Sirius Black lying stunned on the floor.

'Fuck!' Elphias whispered, quickly running to close the door.  _Azkaban._ He could go to Azkaban for life for this. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!' He'd just assaulted an Auror, even if it was just a junior one, and he'd kidnapped said Auror's wand to add to it. Oh God, if someone decided to drop in, he was in big trouble. 'Sorry 'bout this, Mr. Black,' Elphias apologised, before levitating Sirius off the floor with his wand. 'Fuck, I'm goin' to hell for this.' Elphias struggled to gather floo powder in his hands while trying to keep strict concentration on Sirius's airborne body; Merlin, Sirius was heavy.  _'Lupin Cottage!'_

Unfortunately, Elphias found that levitating charms did not stay when traveling by floo. Coming out of the Lupin fireplace, Elphias found Sirius's body covered in soot and various bruises on his arms and neck. He hoped Sirius hadn't broken anything; according to the clock there were only ten minutes left till moonrise. He agonisingly adjusted Sirius's lead heavy limbs so that he was lying straight on his back with his arms tucked to the sides.

'O'righ', Elf,' he panted, wiping the sweat that had collected on his brow from the exertion. 'Here we go.' Elphias pointed his wand towards Sirius's neck, keeping it close to his jugular before muttering a quick, ' _Enervate!'_

Sirius's eyelids fluttered as he groaned in pain. 'What the blo- Elphias!' He made to get up put stopped when Elphias dug his wand painfully into neck.

'Don' move. Don' talk,' Elphias commanded, looking braver than he felt underneath Sirius's angry and outraged glare. 'I have your wand, so you will listen t' me. It's 'portant, so I don' care how busy you are or how this doesn' apply to you.'

'Get off me, Elphias,' Sirius warned, obviously not impressed by Elphias's efforts to take charge, 'before I tear your throat out.'

Elphias swallowed but tried to look uncaring. 'Today's full moon; you prolly don' know.'

To his relief, Sirius didn't look as dangerous any more, but just concerned and perhaps a little frightened. 'Remus.'

It wasn't a question but Elphias nodded his affirmation nonetheless. 'The wolf is angry and Remy told me he won' make it.' Elphias lowered his wand, moving to give Sirius space to sit up. 'You're goin' in as dog to 'elp 'im. I don' care how you do it, but you keep 'im alive.'

Sirius nodded gravely, standing up and wincing, probably from all the bruising. 'You didn't have to fucking kidnap me to do this, you stupid git. I would have come anyway.' He stretched his back, popping the muscles in his neck before transforming swiftly into the large, black dog Elphias remembered seeing a year ago.

'I doubted you woulda,' Elphias accused, letting the  _'after everything you did'_ hang. The dog bared its sharp teeth and growled maliciously at him; Sirius obviously didn't like him very much. He glanced at the watch one last time, feeling more at peace than he had since morning. 'You got five minutes to get in. Then, I lock the door.'

* * *

 

When Sirius woke up, he found himself still in his Animagus form, partly sprawled upon Remus's bare thighs. The transformation had been rough last night, perhaps one of the fiercest Sirius had ever seen.

The wolf had been furious at everything; at itself, at Remus, at being locked up. In its rage, it hadn't even noticed Padfoot at first as it repeatedly collided and burned itself on the aconite coated door. It had been so blinded with the resultant pain that it hadn't even noticed a large, black dog tugging at its tail. In fact, it wasn't until Padfoot had launched himself entirely on the wolf to prevent it from chewing itself apart that Moony had noticed there was an intruder in the garage. Even then, it had been ruthless and self abusive; Sirius had had to literally fight and knock it down unconscious in the end to stop it from killing itself and Remus. Padfoot had been smaller and weaker, but he had had a human mind on his side.

Padfoot let out a doggy huff before transforming back to his human form. The garage was dark, so he couldn't tell if the sun had risen or not, but if the way Remus's chest was rising and falling rapidly was any indication, then the moon was yet to set completely. Sirius's hypothesis was confirmed when he slid open one of Remus's eyes to find the irises still tinged yellow.

'You really beat yourself up there, Moony,' Sirius said softly, brushing blood encrusted hair out of Remus's face. His fingers met a large bump hidden beneath honey brown hair; the last blow that Padfoot had finally inflicted to knock the wolf out. Remus's body shook with the last remaining tremors of his transformation, a soft, pained whine emitting from his dry lips. 'It's over, Moony,' Sirius soothed, caressing Remus's face tenderly. 'You're fine. It's okay.' Sirius pulled off his shirt over his head and rolled it up to form a makeshift pillow for Remus. He made sure that he didn't aggravate Remus's wounds any further as he slid the shirt beneath Remus's head. 'I'm here, Moony, I'm here…'

Remus's eyes opening half mast, and Sirius could tell by the way his face scrunched up in confusion, that Remus either had no recollection of last night or was having a hard time seeing clearly. 'Elf?'

Sirius drew back as if stung. It shouldn't have hurt so much; Sirius hadn't been there for so many full moons. Remus was simply calling out for the person who took care of him in place. It didn't mean anything; it didn't mean that somehow Elphias had taken a more important place in Remus's life. After all, it was Sirius who had been there last night; Sirius who made sure the wolf didn't murder itself; Sirius who felt the ache in his chest every time Remus whimpered in pain.

The garage door opened and Sirius had to shield his eyes with his arm from the sudden onslaught of light. Sirius could make out Elphias's silhouette; he looked even shorter and slighter than usual. 'Is he o'right?' Elphias asked, his eyes taking in the blood splattered walls before settling on the figure beside Sirius's.

'Unconscious,' Sirius replied shortly, sidling closer to Remus protectively.

Elphias nodded, walking in and letting Sirius's wand slide across the floor towards him. 'Ta, Mr. Black. You can go if you like.'

'Don't insult me, Dodge,' Sirius spat, quickly examining his wand for any malfunctions before starting on healing Remus's mangled body. 'You can put yourself to use and heal some of the more dangerous wounds with me. We'll levitate him into the house after that.'

'I know wha' to do!' Elphias yelled angrily as he marched towards them.

'Then do it,' Sirius shot back, ignoring Elphias's murderous glares.

The next hour was spent, thankfully, in silence, as they healed Remus on his bed. There were quite a few broken bones to mend and limbs to straighten, so despite both Sirius and Elphias wanting to rip each other's throats out, they worked together. Remus, the whole while, drifted in and out of consciousness; he would open his eyes blearily and try to speak almost, but would fall back asleep again. It was as if his body was betraying him as his mind struggled to try and figure out what was happening.

Sirius looked at Remus's face, troubled with sleep but still handsome, still so beautiful.

'E's always 'sleep by now,' Elphias said softly, rubbing some sort of salve on Remus's left arm. Sirius had stopped questioning Elphias's choice of potions a long time ago. They had bickered about it at first, but when Elphias had mentioned that they were the ones Mrs. Lupin had taught him to use, Sirius immediately shut up. Sirius might have hated Elphias, but he had the utmost respect for Remus's mother. 'E migh' act a lil' mental now and then, not in the righ' mind, I mean. 'Cause of the  _Levatio Potion_.'

Sirius frowned, looking Elphias in the eye, for the first time, with confusion rather than wrath.  _'Levatio?'_  He looked around, sure enough finding a large black vial of bubbling liquid and picking it up to read the label. 'This is from Knockturne Alley,' Sirius cried, surprised and enraged, 'you don't know what shit it can do! You fed him this?'

Elphias scowled. 'It works. Mrs. Lupin-'

'Mrs. Lupin was a muggle!' Sirius yelled, standing up. Remus stirred a little beside him, but he paid it no mind. 'She probably had no idea what she was giving him!'

'She was doin' this longer than you were!' Elphias yelled back, getting up so abruptly that a few of the salve tubes he'd been using fell to the ground. 'She was there when you wasn'!'

Sirius didn't know what came over him; one minute he was standing there on the bedside, yelling, and the next, he had grabbed Elphias by his shirt collar and slammed him into the wall. 'Merlin, do you  _ever_  use your head? This stuff is illegal for a  _reason!'_

'S illegal 'cause 's got bits of dragon egg in 'em! Don' think I haven' checked, Mr. Black!' Elphias growled, struggling against Sirius's strong hold. 'I took care o' him when you left. I watched every one o' em transformations!'

Sirius pressed Elphias tighter against the wall. 'Why did you have to fuck him, Elphias, eh?' he asked, his voice ranging between angry and remorseful. 'You could have anyone you wanted. Anyone! So why Remus?'

'I could ask you the same thin',' Elphias spat, his fingernails digging sharply into Sirius's knuckles in an attempt to free himself. When Sirius didn't have an answer to his question, Elphias's eyes looked down on him with contempt. 'You was no less than God to him. So why Remus?'

Sirius's hands wavered. 'I loved him,' Sirius replied shakily.

'You 'urt him. You broke him.'

Sirius let go of Elphias, turning his back to him. 'I was stupid…and blinded,' he said softly, rubbing his temples aggressively to stave off the migraine he felt coming on. 'I didn't understand how much he…' Sirius left the sentence unfinished, not wanting to open up to Elphias or anyone else for that matter. 'You're right, I should just leave. I'm just making things worse.'

'I was lyin',' Elphias almost whispered when Sirius's hand had closed around the door knob. 'I never slept with Remy. S not like that wit' us.'

Sirius whipped around so fast that he pulled a muscle. 'You told me-'

'I lied,' Elphias said simply, looking anywhere but Sirius. He ironed his wrinkled shirt with his hands. 'You kept pushin' an' pushin', an' I was tired of watchin' you always be so cruel to Remy. So, I lied.'

Sirius swallowed, wide eyed and disbelieving. 'Fuck.' He ran both hands through his hair, pulling until it hurt unbearably at the roots. 'Fuck, things just get worse. There's no end…'

'I-I can leave you 'ere…wit' him,' Elphias stuttered, and Sirius could tell by his face and darting eyes that it was the last thing he wanted to do. For once, Sirius wasn't angry with him or blaming him; if he were in Elphias's place, he would be protective of Remus too. Especially if Sirius was involved. 'You can talk, but he ain't gonna understand nothin', an' he ain't gonna 'member it.'

Sirius swallowed heavily, looking at Remus's unrested form before nodding.

'If you do anythin' to him, Mr. Black, anythin', I swear I'll kill you,' Elphias warned before walking out.

Sirius chuckled bitterly, wondering how much Elphias meant it as he sat next to Remus. 'You're not going to hate me forever, are you?' he asked, stroking Remus's hair to the side and out of his eyes. Remus mumbled under his breath about something that sounded a lot like 'porridge' and turned into Sirius's touch. 'I hate myself too,' Sirius continued, hesitating for a while before sliding down beside Remus on top of the covers. He kept a good distance between them, perhaps out of fright of rejection or waking Remus up.

Sirius stared at Remus for a while, drinking every bit of him. Remus was still muttering in his sleep, probably half awake. A lot of it was unintelligible, but Sirius could make out a few words like Quidditch, and oranges, and bread pudding. He figured Remus might have been hungry, but couldn't tell for sure.

Sirius smiled and caressed Remus's cheek with one hand. For some reason, second year came upon memory. Sirius couldn't remember what day or time it was, but he remembered that it had been after a transformation just like now. In fact, it had been the transformation that had helped him come into terms with Remus's lycanthropy; it had made him realise that the rest of the world didn't matter when it came to Remus; that Sirius would always care about him no matter what. That had been back in second year, and things still hadn't changed.

It had been a turning point back then and for Sirius, just one segment of that incident truly stood out in his memory. 'Remus?' Feeling foolish but knowing that this was perhaps going to be the only time he was going to get Remus without the shield of his anger and cognition, Sirius tried to replay that exact same scene: 'Can I…you know…hug you?'

For a split second, Sirius was sure this had to be the stupidest thing he'd ever done his entire life; Remus was hardly coherent and there was no guarantee that he would remember anything about their past or present. But then, Remus mumbled something under his breath and Sirius couldn't understand most of it, but he could make out a slight smile on Remus's face and a distorted version of his own name: 'S'rus.'

That was all it took for Sirius to launch himself into Remus's arms, burying himself in deep into Remus's body and nearly choking with tears when one of Remus's arms came to wrap unconsciously around him.

The sheets fell between them in a haphazard pool of soft cotton as Sirius breathed  _'I love you_ ' into the sleep warmed skin of Remus's neck.

* * *

 


	44. Almost Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**October 1981…** _

Elphias was sitting outside Remus's room the entire time Sirius had been inside. He knew it was wrong to spy or eavesdrop, so he didn't. Instead, he only stood guard in case Remus needed him or something bad happened with any of his still fresh wounds. It was odd but till today, Elphias had felt nothing but hatred for Sirius Black for having been so horrible to Remus and breaking his heart. Elphias had wanted to hurt Black to the point of death; he'd wanted to punish him and destroy his world like Sirius had done Remus's. However, Elphias discovered this morning that there was a reason his overbearing father would always tell him to " _listen to both sides of the story before passing a judgment"._

Elphias hadn't listened to Sirius's story as much as he'd observed it. He'd seen how upset Black had been; how distraught and how needing he was for Remus's forgiveness and companionship. Elphias had been murderous before but now, he just felt awful. He knew he was being traitorous but all of a sudden, Elphias saw things clearly through Sirius's perspective. He saw how easy it must have been for Black to fall under constant lies and misconceptions about his lover when one of the informants had been his best friend from childhood. Elphias saw how difficult it must have been for Sirius to come into terms with having a traitorous boyfriend and how angry it must have made him. It didn't mean the things Sirius had done were okay or justified, but it did explain things better. In the end, Elphias also saw how Sirius suffered through the repercussions of his own deeds, and was now constantly trying and failing to set things right.

Elphias didn't think Remus would be able to see all of this through his own hurt. Remus was truly no longer the same person that Elphias had had a raging crush on; his smiles were rare and the face he put up in front of people was fake. Remus looked like he'd given up on everything: hope, life, love; just the shadow of the beautiful personality he'd been. He'd suppressed all his hurt and anger and replaced it with cold indifference, so much so that Elphias sometimes found it hard to even look at the werewolf properly.

Elphias sighed, wondering when things would get back to normal and if they ever would. He looked at Remus's bedroom door again, hoping things were going alright in there and Remus, if awake, wasn't too angry with Elphias. The only reason Sirius had been brought in the house was because Elphias truly believed that the young Black was the only person who could help Remus out. Ironic really, how the cause was also the cure.

When Sirius finally came out, he didn't even notice Elphias sitting there. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands as he closed the door to Remus's bedroom behind him. He seemed in a hurry to leave the house, and Elphias quickly called out for him, surprised that Sirius was leaving so quickly. Sirius almost didn't stop, clearly too distraught to truly talk to anybody at the moment.

'Mr. Black, is Remy 'wake?' Elphias asked, speeding up a bit more to catch up with Sirius's fast pace down the stairs.

'No,' Sirius replied roughly, as he jumped the last two steps easily. 'He's still sleeping. I didn't have the heart to wake him.'

Elphias nodded. 'You could stay if you liked,' he offered, panting a bit as Sirius finally slowed down in front of the door. 'Remy would like to know you was here for his transformin'.'

'No, he wouldn't, but thank you for the offer, Elphias,' Sirius said curtly; his voice clearly expressing that he still didn't like Elphias very much and was ready for another fight if it were called upon.

Elphias bit his lip unsurely. 'Wha' will I tell 'im? If he asks why you was here? He'll be cross with me when he wakes and 'members tha' I let you in, an' I don' wanna have to 'xplain it 'lone.'

'He won't remember,' Sirius told him firmly. 'I knocked him out almost immediately after, and he was asleep for the rest of the time. So don't worry, Dodge.'

'Why don' you want him to know?' Elphias asked insistently, grabbing Sirius's hand as it descended upon the doorknob. He knew he was pushing it with Black, but he'd seen the two of them together and then without each other. And right now the only way Elphias could describe either of them was  _incomplete._ 'Why d'you always wanna leave him?'

Sirius sighed heavily, resting his head against the door. 'I'll answer your question if you answer mine.' He paused only for a moment to look at Elphias's puzzled and sad face before he continued. 'Why do you like Remus so much, hm? Why do you care what happens to him?'

Elphias blinked in confusion and shrugged. 'I don' know. I-I can't 'xplain it,' he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 'Remy…he's always there for me, you know. He lissens to me, an' he takes care o' me. If I ever have any trouble o' sorts, he pushes away his own problems to lissen to mine.' Elphias looked at Sirius as sincerely as he could, remembering everything Remus had done for him; the very first time Remus had brought him into the Lupin cottage and nursed his wounds without a word said in between. 'He saved me.'

Sirius nodded, looking as if he was having a hard time simply swallowing. 'I don't want to leave him,' he said softly, in reply to Elphias's earlier question, 'but he's angry now – too angry to care about what I have to say.'

'He wouldn' be angry if he didn' care,' Elphias replied wisely, obviously taking Sirius by surprise; the young Black, almost like everyone else, probably didn't think of Elphias as too bright. 'I won' tell him if you don' want me to,' Elphias conceded, 'but…' He shrugged, trying to not look too hopeful as he opened the door for Sirius.

Sirius smiled weakly and walked out. He didn't miss the disappointment of Elphias's face, but pretended to look ahead outside, where the sun was shining merrily and invitingly. Elphias wondered if he could persuade Remus to take a walk outside, warm up a bit to chase away the cold that seemed to have settled itself permanently in the Lupin Cottage.

'I'll see you around, Elphias.'

The door shut on Elphias's face and he sighed dejectedly, feeling his hopes crumble to pieces. He had really thought that if…Elphias shook his head. It didn't matter anymore now, he supposed, climbing up the stairs almost unconsciously. None of this was his business, not really. He'd come to London to fight Voldemort, not intrude into other people's lives. Guaranteed that he had never expected to make friends, not in a big city like London, but he had. He'd found Remus; the one person he cared about outside of Stepney and probably the only person he was willing to give up his life for. Perhaps that's why Sirius Black concerned him. Perhaps it was because all Elphias wanted to see was Remus happy.

Elphias hadn't even realised that he'd slipped into bed beside Remus (the act had become so much of a habit) until he'd actually heard the werewolf whine is pain and discomfort. 'Shh,' Elphias whispered, trying smooth out the creases that formed over Remus's forehead. 'Remy, don' move. You'll 'urt yourself,' Elphias protested. Remus remained oblivious, however, twisting and turning in unease. 'Shh,' Elphias tried to soothe again, rubbing comforting, concentric circles across Remus's chest. To his surprise, Elphias found Remus's heart beating beneath his palm at a furious rate – the skin burning hot there. 'Merlin.' Elphias ran his hands across Remus's neck and forehead; checking for a fever and finding, to his utter fright, the skin blissfully cool there.

Elphias swallowed heavily, resting his hand against Remus's chest again. What the hell was happening? Was Remus suffering from an attack, maybe a wayward hex? Had Sirius done something to him before leaving? Elphias didn't want to think so. 'Remy,' Elphias called out, not intending to wake up the werewolf, but just to comfort him. Remus didn't seem to be in pain, but the way he fidgeted restlessly indicated how distressed he was.

'Remy.' Remus's wounds hadn't healed fully yet, and Elphias had to wrap his arms firmly around the werewolf to restrain him from moving too much. When Remus whined in protest, Elphias's hold tightened. 'Remy, stop it!'

Remus's eyes hadn't even opened completely before the werewolf pushed himself out of Elphias's arms with an expression that was stuck between surprise and anger. He toppled off the bed almost instantly, landing with a dull 'thud' and a pained cry that pierced through Elphias's marrow. Elphias was so caught by shock at Remus's reaction that he remained sitting still. His eyes were wide with horror as Remus screamed from one of the larger wounds that had opened up from the fall. It took Elphias a good few minutes to finally gather up his senses and cast a quick healing charm on Remus's leg. ' _Episkey!'_

Remus's cries slowed down to sharp breathing, and Elphias quickly kneeled down beside him to help him up the bed again. 'It's you,' Remus panted out, looking through blurry eyes. 'Elf, it's you…'

Elphias looked at him with confusion. 'Yeah,'s me, Remy. Wha's wrong? Why d'you do tha', eh? You coulda hurt yourself serious.'

Remus ran a hand through his hair, tugging slightly at the ends. 'I thought…your arms…and I thought you were…' He seemed to have trouble forming proper sentences as he settled back down on the bed. 'It was a dream, but Elf…I saw…I felt…' Remus rubbed at his chest aggressively, and Elphias wondered briefly if it was still warm and pulsating underneath. 'I thought maybe he…I got angry but it wasn't real…I-' He looked perplexed and disoriented as he glanced back desperately at Elphias for reassurance.

It must have been Sirius; some part of Remus's unconscious mind must have registered Black's presence or touch or words. Some part of him must have recognised Sirius there in the room or during the transformation, and Remus was only now starting to feel it as well.  _Shite._  'It was only me, Remy,' Elphias replied, remembering his word to Sirius. He couldn't bring himself to look at Remus in the eye, so he buried his face into Remus's neck instead. He could still hear the wild thumping of Remus's heart. 'I's been here this whole time, no one else.'

Remus's breathing slowed as if from relief. 'You were supposed to go to a mission.'

Elphias shook his head and pushed deeper into Remus, feeling horrible for lying. He wished Sirius Black had stayed. 'I couldn' leave you,' he whispered, feeling Remus's hand of gratitude lay on the nape of his neck. 'Not tonigh'.'

* * *

 

Sirius couldn't keep his eyes off of Remus. It was too difficult, especially since he hadn't seen Remus since the full moon. When had that been? A week ago? Or maybe a year? It seemed longer, and Sirius had been yearning to see the werewolf ever since. Sirius knew it was wrong. It was wrong to beg Lily into telling him where Remus worked, and it was even more wrong to be spying on Remus without him even knowing of Sirius's presence.

 _It isn't spying_ , Sirius tried to reason with himself _, I'm admiring him from a distance._

It was so horrible; Remus and the complete injustice of his life. He was one of the top students back in Hogwarts, one of the few people who was predicted to have promising career and was the most likely to succeed, if he hadn't been a werewolf that is. Despite all his education and hard work, Remus was now stuck in the muggle world, working for some kind of shipping company. For the last hour, Sirius watched as Remus loaded and unloaded heavy boxes, sweat drenching his body from the exertion of manual labour. Remus had always been fit and strong because of his lycanthropy, but Sirius thought this job was pushing it too far. Especially when he found out that Remus did this every day of the month save the ones during the full moon.

'Oi, Lupin! Help me with this one, won't you?' one of the other workers called out, and Sirius saw Remus nodding from the other end and adjusting his gloves better in preparation. 'Thanks, mate!'

'No problem, Jones' Remus said so slowly that Sirius had to actually read his lips closely to understand what he was saying.

'Last one for the day, thankfully,' Jones said conversationally, 'I swear they get heavier by the day. I don't know how you do it, Lupin.'

Remus shrugged and smiled, helping Jones carry the box inside the warehouse. Anyone could plainly see that Remus was carrying most of the weight, and with surprising ease, too. Sirius had a feeling that Remus didn't really need Jones on the other side at all, but was simply humouring him and downplaying his own strength.

'Christ!' Jones wiped his brow with the back of his hand. 'I'm getting too old for this shit. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to going back to my crazy wife after this.'

Remus laughed, but it sounded empty and hollow, pulling at Sirius's heartstrings. He didn't say anything more and untied his shirt that had been knotted around his waist the entire time. As he pulled it on, Sirius cringed at how filthy the shirt was – black smudges and fingerprints everywhere, the white faded to a putrid yellow. Still, Sirius could make out the 'The Buzzcocks' written in dark, bold print. It made him smile to know that Remus still maintained his obsession with muggle music, that he was still the same person Sirius had fallen so in love with.

'I'll see you tomorrow, Lupin!'

Sirius watched as Remus bid goodbye to Jones and a few others, walking away from them almost too quickly, as if trying to distance himself. Remus hadn't brought a jacket and kept his arms wrapped tightly around his body to protect himself from the slight chill of the evening. 'How did you enjoy a day in the life of Remus Lupin?' Remus asked, chuckling bitterly into the air.

Sirius, surprised and befuddled, looked around him to see if anyone was walking the same direction as they were. However, none of Remus's co-workers seemed to have followed them, most having left for the opposite direction of left behind at the warehouse. Who was Remus talking to?

'I'm talking to you, Sirius,' Remus replied as if reading Sirius's mind.

Sirius was too stunned to reply. He had quite readily assumed that Remus didn't know he had been there, watching him. Sirius was sure he'd chosen a good hiding spot, and he'd even Dillusioned himself as extra precaution. Then how had…?

' _I sensed you.'_

'Were you watching for suspicious activities?' Remus asked scathingly, still not turning to look directly at Sirius and walking forwards. A few people looked at Remus oddly, obviously thinking he was some kind of loon who was talking to himself. 'Did you think I was going to kill me some muggles? That I have a white mask hidden here somewhere?'

Sirius swallowed, taking of the Dillusionment charm off himself in a dark corner before catching up to Remus. 'I-I only came to see you.'

'You've seen me…for the past hour. Don't take me for a fool, Sirius; those days have long passed.'

The malice in Remus's voice chilled Sirius's heart, but he took a deep breath and kept a brave front. He knew that Remus wouldn't quite listen to anything he had to say, would have even apparated if it weren't for the hustle and bustle of people all heading for their homes after a hard day of work. 'I was an idiot back then. I misjudged you and I-' Sirius looked at Remus's profile, wanting to catch his eyes but failing. 'I wanted to make amends.'

Remus snorted derisively, obviously not believing Sirius's words. 'And I told you before that there is no need. I'm done with you and everything else that comes with it. I really just can't bring myself to care.'

'Liar,' Sirius retorted angrily, not bothering to mask the hurt that came with Remus's words. 'You care, you always have.' As Remus sped up, Sirius tried to keep pace. 'You knew I was there today, you knew the minute I'd come! You always know, you can always tell! So, don't tell me you don't care! Don't tell me that I don't matter when you can clearly feel this…this bond…this presence between us!'

Remus finally stopped and turned to look at Sirius, his eyes blazing with fire and rage. Sirius regretted ever wanting to look into them. 'Yes, I can feel it. So what? What do you want me to do, Sirius?' he spat. 'Should I roll over? Play dead? Bend over so that you can fuck me up again?'

Sirius gaped in surprise. 'Remus, no-' He couldn't bring himself to be coherent enough to debate Remus's harsh words; to tell him that Sirius never intended to hurt him that way; that all he'd wanted to do was mend their friendship and get Remus back into his life. Nothing came out, however, except confused splutters and disjointed words. It wasn't until Remus had walked away in disgust that Sirius finally had the wits to grab him by the wrist and stop him from going too far. 'Remus, just listen to me!'

Remus twisted his wrist in an attempt to free himself from Sirius's strong hold, but Sirius held on. 'Let go of me!'

Sirius grabbed the other arm as well, keeping Remus effectively trapped. 'I need you, Remus,' he said softly, gingerly reaching out to stroke Remus's cheek and feeling a sharp sting in his heart when Remus recoiled. 'I need you to understand that I-'

'Sirius, stop it!' Remus whispered sternly, finally breaking free of Sirius's hard grasp. 'You're making a bloody scene!'

There were quite a few people gathering around them, but their wide eyes and intrusive murmuring only fuelled Sirius's anger. 'I don't care,' he snapped back, grabbing Remus by the shoulders and pulling him closer roughly so that their chests collided. 'Let them see.' He kissed Remus after that, hot and hard, pushing his lips fiercely into Remus's and pulling him nearer until there was no room for even air to pass through. There were collective gasps of surprise and disgust from around them, and Remus was rendered completely unresponsive from shock. Sirius didn't care, and the violent verbal abuse of "ponce" and "shirt lifter" only made him hold Remus tighter; willing him to understand, to feel what Sirius was feeling, to realise that he was literally shaking from the anxiety that came from displaying this aspect of himself to all the world. To respond to the vicious beating of his heart…

The kiss had hardly lasted a few seconds before Remus shoved him off with a rough hand on his chest. He had never looked angrier to Sirius, his nostrils flaring and his face turning a bright shade of red. One person from the crowd actually tried to come to his aid, obviously thinking that Sirius had tried to molest Remus in some way, but stopped almost instantly when Remus looked at Sirius with wrath deep enough to burn holes through Sirius's skin. His eyes had turned into slits, bright and dangerous. _Just like the wolf,_ Sirius realised as he stumbled backwards from the force of Remus's push.

'How dare you?' Remus cried, his voice ringing loud through all the conspiratory mutters of the crowd gathering around them. 'How dare you even fucking touch me? After everything…how can you even think-?' Remus seemed too far gone in his rage to even speak properly, breathing heavily as his fists clenched tightly. 'I can't believe you, you motherfucking bastard, I can't-'

'Remus, please,' Sirius protested, wanting to come close to Remus; to touch him, to kiss him again and make him understand that Sirius was sorry. Sirius had never been more regretful his entire life as he was at that very moment. 'Remus, I love you…' he whispered the last part, but the people around him had heard it just the same and many of them were turning away in revulsion. Quite a few of them were passing rude remarks, but Sirius ignored them, having eyes for Remus alone. 'I love you,' he repeated again when Remus looked incredulous.

'You  _never_ loved me, Sirius! Never!' Remus spat, looking murderous. 'Such emotion is beyond you, so don't compare what you did to me with love! Don't make what I felt for you more of a joke than you already have!'

'I was being manipulated!' Sirius cried out desperately. 'He kept telling me-'

'You know what; don't. Just don't speak. Don't try to explain yourself and just leave me alone, yeah?'

'I'm not letting you go again!' Sirius yelled, unconsciously moving into Remus's personal space. 'I told you I lov-'

'And I told you I hate you,' Remus cut in, his voice low and serious.

Sirius jolted back as if slapped. 'You don't mean that,' he whispered, shaking his head in denial. He grabbed Remus by the shoulders in desperation, looking pleadingly into his eyes. 'Remus, you don't mean that.'

Remus's hands came up to Sirius's, holding them painfully tight as he pried Sirius's fingers off his shoulders. 'I hate you, Sirius, more than you can ever imagine,' Remus sneered, bringing his face so close that every breath Remus let out made Sirius's hair fan erratically. 'So just do me a favour and get the bloody hell out of my life.' He let Sirius's hands drop, shooting him a last venomous glance before turning away.

Sirius should have run after him. He should have, but he didn't. He couldn't. He couldn't bring his legs to move or to feel anything except the searing pain of rejection. It was as if someone had simply switched off the life in him, and he could do nothing but stand there and let his brain replay Remus's anger towards him again and again until it made him numb. He was sure that at some point that he'd been hit or maybe punched; he couldn't exactly remember. There were some furious and intolerant people, Sirius knew that, and when he didn't respond, they took it as an opening to abuse him and punch him until he was laying curled up on the hard pavement.

' _Bloody faggots…'_

* * *

 

'I'm concerned about Sirius,' Lily told James after turning restlessly in the bed for the fifth time. James opened his eyes, looking at her questioningly, so she explained further. 'He was really out of sorts today, don't you think?'

James sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. 'Sirius has a lot of shit to sort out now. With Moony, with us; he's just feeling overwhelmed and maybe a little lost.' He laid a reassuring hand on her cheek. 'He'll be fine. Just give him some time.'

'I don't know, James,' Lily protested, pulling the blanket closer to her body to ward off the cold. 'You saw those bruises; he couldn't even stand straight half the time. I tried to heal them, but he wouldn't even let me near them. You weren't there when I came in, but he looked really torn up. I just-'

'He'll be fine, love,' James reassured with a smile. 'Sirius…that's the way he is, you know. He always takes things a little farther than most, and he punishes himself brutally when he knows he's done something wrong. He's always been this way, even in school…'

The look on Lily's face clearly said that James didn't quite understand what she was trying to say. 'I know that, James, and I've seen how obsessive Sirius can be. But this is different. He's never like this, James, never. He hasn't spoken since he came.'

James's eyes widened in surprise. 'You mean he's been Padfoot all day? I thought it was just when I came home.'

Lily shook her head. 'No, he transformed almost exactly after he came in. Couldn't even bring himself to play with Harry. I've never seen something so depressing, James. I don't think we should have left him alone like that. I really-'

'If he needs us, he can always call,' James reasoned, 'I mean, he's sleeping in Harry's room, isn't he? He knows I'm there for him. He knows.'

Lily bit her lip unsurely. 'Will you check up on him for me, please? I know this seems odd, but call it women's intuition or just plain concern. Just, sneak a peek at both of them. Harry, too.'

Lily looked so serious that even if James had said no, she would have forced him into getting up. So he sighed heavily, kissed her on the cheek, and pulled on his bathrobe in preparation to go check up on the two occupants of the next room. As he tip toed into Harry's room, James had to dim the light in his wand to avoid waking his son up. He shone the light at the crib first, feeling the corners of his lips tugging into a slight smile as he found his boy sleeping peacefully with one hand fisting his charming little blue blanket. He moved his wand to the other side of the room where Lily had prepared a makeshift bed for Sirius and to his surprise, found it empty.

James frowned. 'Padfoot?' He called, walking out of the room and checking both bathrooms nearby. They were both empty. 'Sirius?' He walked down the stairs and sure enough, found a dim light coming from underneath the closed kitchen doors. James shook his head and rolled his eyes exasperatedly. 'Trust Padfoot to hunt for a midnight snack.' He grinned to himself, figuring he might as well accompany his best friend in his feast and pushed the door open merrily.

Only to have his stomach drop to his feet.

' _Bloody hell.'_

Sirius was sitting on the kitchen table, legs spread haphazardly as he rolled a rather large knife in his hands. His wand had been discarded under the table, giving enough light to illuminate only part of Sirius's face while the rest hid behind dark shadows. It highlighted his bright grey eyes and threw in an eerie, manic quality to Sirius's face that sent cold shivers down James's spine. He noticed that Remus's collar, the one was Sirius always wore, was wound tightly around his friend's right hand. The same hand that Sirius spun the knife in experimentally before bringing it down to his left wrist. As James moved closer, he could see several long but shallow gashes concentrated around Sirius's wrist, proving that Sirius had been trying this for some time now. Sirius's hands shook as he pressed the blade to his skin again.

'If you go any farther, Sirius, I swear…' James warned, feeling his throat constrict tightly. 'I swear I'll never forgive you. Sirius, I swear.' He voice shook towards the end, scared and stunned at his friend's actions. James had known Sirius had been unhappy; he'd seen it grow ever since Peter's capture, but he'd never pinned Sirius as someone who'd be willing to take his life.

' _But this is different. He's never like this, James, never.'_

James's voice came as a shock to Sirius, who had obviously been very immersed and set upon his task, and the knife fell from his hands and clattered noisily to the ground. James had never heard a more deathly sound, and he couldn't help but look at the knife on the ground, taking in the sharp, jagged edges and the wicked silver gleam of the blade.

Sirius looked up at him, throwing his face into the sharp light of James's wand. His eyes were wide with fear and surprise, one of them bruised and blackened and contrasting heavily with the light grey of his eyes. 'James…' he whispered, his right hand immediately coming up to cover the cuts on his left. 'I…'

'Why are you doing this, Padfoot?' James asked, levitating the knife and putting it away, far from Sirius. 'Why couldn't you come to me for help? Why did you have to…?' James swallowed the lump in his throat that made it almost painful for him to talk.

Sirius looked away and James saw yet another bruise on his right cheek. 'You don't understand…'

James's fists clenched as he shook with anger. 'There is nothing, Sirius, nothing that warrants this. Nothing you could say could make me understand why you would try to kill yourself.'

'The Avada Kedavara doesn't work,' Sirius replied softly, making James's eyes immediately shoot to the discarded wand.

'This isn't fair, Sirius. How could you even-'

I lost him,' Sirius whispered, bringing his knees up to his chest and burying his head in between them. 'I've completely fucked things up, and there's no way I can fix this. It's over.' Sirius's fingers buried in his dark hair. 'He hates me now.'

'So you're giving up?' James spat, walking closer to his friend until they were only a few centimetres apart. 'I can't believe you. How can you just-'

'He meant it,' Sirius told him, his voice frighteningly low and calm for a person so distraught. 'I saw it in his eyes. He meant every word.' He drew a shuddery breath. 'I'd held on. Since we broke up, I'd selfishly held on, staying a little longer even though I was miserable because I thought that it was all his fault. But I can't do this now, not anymore. I can't…'

James grabbed Sirius by the shoulders, forcing him to turn towards him and look at him. 'And what about us? What about Harry? How could you even think of just leaving us like that, Sirius? We're your family! Weren't we enough?'

Sirius shook his head, eyes casting down to his feet. 'It's different. You won't…Remus is  _my life_ , James,' he said, sounding so dejected and hopeless that something in James's heart clenched painfully through all his resentment. 'He's my life and without him, I'm nothing. Maybe we weren't meant to be together. Maybe this just isn't our age, I don't know. But this pain…this  _feeling_ …I can't…I can't bear it…'

James collapsed into one of the chairs, head supported on his hands. In some ways, he could understand Sirius's sentiments, could connect with it almost. Hadn't he been the same way about Lily ever since he'd fallen in love with her? And his son: Harry; James couldn't even imagine a life without that little bundle of joy. He would have been nothing but an empty shell of his former self; something Sirius had already become. There was nothing handsome or vivacious about Sirius anymore – no pranks, no tricks, no school boy foolishness or enthusiasm. The war had taken it all and left someone who was broken and marred with bruises, physical and emotional.

His wife had been right all along. If she hadn't persisted on James checking up on Sirius tonight…

'Please don't do this, Padfoot,' James said finally when the silence had been prolonged between them long enough. 'I'll fucking tie you down if I have to. I'll beat you unconscious. I don't care. I'll kill you if you ever try that again. I swear, I'll kill you.'

Sirius chuckled bitterly. 'Similar motives then.'

James looked at him sternly. 'I mean it, Sirius. So unless you want to be confined in some sort of white room, you promise me. You promise me you will never, ever do this again.'

Sirius looked hesitant, and James could tell that he had had every intention to kill himself. Sirius was actually serious about this whole matter, and James suddenly trembled from the unwanted images of Sirius's dead and bleeding body lying on their kitchen floor. The clarity of the visions was almost startling and James found himself pushing his hand closer to Sirius's. 'Marauder's oath. Don't be a coward, Black, and make the sodding promise.'

Sirius nodded, reluctantly extending a shaky hand over James's. 'Marauder's oath,' he breathed, clutching the collar in his hands tightly.

* * *

 

Remus leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed in front of his chest, as he watched Elphias randomly throw his meager belongings into the trunk he'd borrowed from Remus. They hadn't talked since the morning, which felt unusual to Remus because Elphias's gob never took a break. The boy even talked in his sleep sometimes, so it came as a little troubling when he hadn't spoken for almost an entire day.

'Why are you leaving me?' Remus asked breaking the silence and feeling surprised at how small his voice sounded. He had known that Elphias was leaving of course; he'd known from the very start because Elphias quite literally suffered in the Order and in London. But he couldn't help but feel a little desolate at the loss of a good friend, especially one who had seen him through the worst of his ordeals.

Elphias stopped his "packing" and sighed. 'I ain't leaving you,' he said, his tone speaking against him. 'I'll come back. I told you I will.'

'You won't,' Remus told him, already knowing the future. 'Your friends are there, your family's there-'

'But you're 'ere,' Elphias interrupted, smiling. 'I'll visit, Remy, you know that. I couldn' live a week without a good peek at your fine arse.' He summoned one of the picture frames hung on the wall. It was one of fifteen year old Remus at a cricket match his dad had taken him to during the summer. 'I'll keep this one if you don' mind. 'Your smile's lovely 'ere and 's got a great view o' your crotch.'

'Pervert,' Remus retorted affectionately.

'You know it, love,' Elphias grinned.

Remus sighed, walking in and hoisting himself up to sit on his old bedside table. For some time, he didn't say anything, ignoring the restlessness in his mind that told him to talk, to take action. He felt as if there was something terribly wrong with the situation, something Elphias wasn't telling him, and it stung a little. It stung not to know why someone wanted to leave, and Remus was tired of always being on the receiving end of that hurt. 'You told me you were going to stay. What changed your mind?'

Elphias hit his head against the cupboard door. 'I said I didn' wanna leave during your transformation. You misunderstood me.'

'You're lying. The transformation was a week ago, and I've been watching you pacing over something or the other since then,' Remus argued, 'you never think, Elphias. You once told me it's useless to think ahead and it hurts your sinuses. So why now?'

Elphias shrugged, opening his mouth to say something but deciding against it and closing it again. 'I-" Remus knew the guilty expression on Elphias's face showed that he'd been caught, and he inwardly wondered what this was all about. 'I said this before, Remy. I may be a lot of things, but I ain't no home breaker.'

Remus blinked, not sure how to respond. 'I don't think I understand.'

Elphias took a deep breath; he looked hesitant and nervous to even speak. 'Look…Mr. Black…he ain't so bad, you know. Merlin, he's a great big fuck up but…but he's real…and he's trying. I think-'

'You're siding with him,' Remus said softly, feeling angry and hurt at the same time. Elphias had seen everything, had heard everything that had happened, and he still…

'I'm not siding with him. I-' Elphias shook his head, clearing his thoughts. 'D'you remember when I came in wit' a black eye?'

Remus nodded. 'You told me you fell…'

'I was lyin',' Elphias said, looking down at his scuffed shoes. 'I had a fight wit' Mr. Black…'cause I told him I'd slept wit' you.' Elphias looked at Remus nervously through his eyelashes. He had obviously been afraid to tell Remus this for a long time, thinking Remus would be angry with him. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay, Elf,' Remus said, smiling stiffly. 'I already knew,' he finished, remembering the day Sirius had spilled out everything to him; the day Sirius had proved exactly how shallow his feelings had been for Remus.

'I didn' mean nothing by it. I was…I was real angry, Remy, an' I was tryin' to protect you, an-'

'I know, Elf, I know. You don't have to explain yourself. I'm not angry with you.'

Elphias looked surprised. 'You're not?'

Remus shook his head, hoping his expression was reassuring enough.

Elphias's face broke into a large smile. 'You're the bloody best, Remy! But-' He bit his lip, his face falling into apprehension again. 'Mr. Black…he's…' Whatever Elphias wanted to say about Sirius, was cut off by the look of pain and disgust on Remus's face. So, he shook his head and grinned. 'Never mind. Doesn't matter.' The trunk snapped shut, and Elphias sealed it with a quick swish of his wand. 'I'll miss you, you know. Merlin, I haven't been laid for over a month now, but it was fun. Not the not-havin'-sex part, but bein' wit' you, livin' wit' you.'

Remus laughed, feeling the tension that had been building up between them fall. He was caught completely by surprise when Elphias rushed into him, forcing him into a tight embrace and snuffling into his shoulder. It was probably the first time Elphias was hugging him without an attempt to grope his arse or any other areas of Remus that he saw as particularly fit. 'You're not crying, are you?' Remus asked, chuckling slightly into platinum curls, as the young boy wiped his nose on Remus's shirt.

'Got somethin' in me eye,' Elphias sniffled. 'Damn dust.'

* * *

 

'I'm not upset with James,' Remus replied to Lily's question, gracing the waitress with a small smile as she laid their tea on the table. 'I don't know why he thinks I am, but I'll talk to him, if you like.'

Lily nodded, helping herself to a chocolate biscuit. 'It would really put him to ease. He's so afraid to approach you right now. I know he doesn't say it, but he's always worrying that he might mess things up somehow.'

'He was only trying to help,' Remus replied, looking outside the glass window. Lily mused that it was probably the only thing Remus liked about this café – the view it provided of the lush countryside. The morning sun shone brightly on his skin, tanned slightly now from the hours of work he put in at the warehouse. He looked serene almost – untouchable and detached from the rest of the world. 'I understand that now,' Remus finished softly, the corners of his lips turning to a not-quite-there smile.

Lily hummed, sipping her tea contemplatively. She wondered why Remus had finally conceded to having tea with her. Was it that her constant insistence had finally convinced him, or was he now ready to come out of his shell and realise that James and Lily were still his friends. She hoped it was the last one, though she doubted it.

Lily had called Remus last night to discuss about Peter Pettigrew and whether he intended on visiting their old friend in the near future. Remus had replied that it was negotiable, depending on whether he had time to spare or not. Lily knew he was busy, but also knew that he was secretly avoiding the meeting. They all were. James had flat-out refused at first, and it had taken Lily an entire week to convince him that the Marauders owed this much to Peter Pettigrew. Even now, James was hesitant. She hadn't asked Sirius yet, not in his current mental state. She couldn't find the courage to and left it upon her husband to deal with their troubled friend.

She sighed heavily at how things had become so complicated and strained between them. Especially Remus, who had become increasingly reclusive since Peter's arrest. It bothered her the same way Sirius's arrival a few days ago to her house had.  _Christ, Sirius…_

'Sirius tried to kill himself the other night.'

The reaction she'd been expecting from Remus, the outrage and concern – none of it came. The only emotion he'd shown as acknowledgement to such drastic news was a sharp intake of breath that could have been mistaken for a sigh and a little uncoordinated blinking. He didn't turn to look at her, continuing to stare outside the window pensively; even his Mona Lisa smile hadn't flinched.

'James found him in the kitchen, about to slit his wrists,' Lily continued, pressing and prying to see if Remus felt anything at all. Why wasn't he reacting? The Remus she remembered would have been upset and angry, demanding to see his friend right now. The Remus she knew would have wept at the very idea of Sirius dying.

'Why slit his wrists? Why didn't he Avada Kedavra himself instead?' Remus asked calmly, much to Lily's surprise.

'He tried,' Lily replied, so taken aback that she couldn't help but blink in complete confusion. 'It didn't work.'

Remus looked at her then, his amber eyes dull despite the sunlight shining upon them. 'Then he never intended to kill himself,' he said coldly, his voice low and menacing. 'It was probably another one of his shows for attention.'

Lily slapped him; it was mostly instinctual the way her hand came up almost the same instant the words had left his mouth. 'How could you be so cruel?' Lily cried, barely suppressing the urge to hit Remus again. 'Do you even hear yourself?' It infuriated her: the way Remus's face remained impassive to her anger despite the spreading redness on his left cheek. 'I just told you he tried to kill himself, and this…this is how you respond?' Nothing. His face was a blank canvas. It was like he didn't feel anything – no remorse, no pain. He could have just been another lifeless ornament in the café. 'He's-'

'He's fine,' Remus interrupted firmly. 'So stop treating him as if the world revolves around him. I've already tried that. It doesn't work.'

Lily's jaw trembled. 'Sirius made a mistake, and he can't be sorrier than he is now, Remus. He's a complete mess. He can't even stop thinking of you for a single second. Why can't you see that? Why can't you just fucking forgive him? It's not that difficult.'

Remus turned back to the window again, as he replied quietly, 'Have your soul torn apart and then come tell me that.'

Lily stared at his profile for a while, wondering if he was going to say anything more. If he was going to open up to her, tell her how it felt, allow her in to his life, to let her comfort him and make him understand that as wrong as Sirius may have been, he deserved another chance. 'You've really changed, Remus…'

Remus looked at her from the corner of his eyes and gave her a twisted smile. 'I haven't.' He shrugged, still keeping his composed demeanor as he swirled his cup and drank the last of his tea. 'This is what I've always been. A werewolf. A Dark creature. No one you can trust really, and certainly no one you can love.' He chuckled quietly and stood up when Lily found herself dumbfounded and too ashamed to reply. 'I hope you don't mind if I cut this chat of ours short. I'll pay for the tea on my way out.'

'Remus…' Lily reached out for his hand but found herself simply grappling air.

'I'll see you again on Thursday, Lily.'

* * *

 

Sirius was trembling. He was shaking so hard that even the prison guard had noticed and was looking at him now with unhidden concern. It was so bad that Sirius's tremors had made the boat rock in the same rhythm, making James turn quite green in the face from sea sickness. He couldn't stop them, couldn't control them in any manner; they were involuntary almost and the closer they got Azkaban, the more violently his body had reacted.

'Hand in your wands, please.'

Sirius looked at his friends giving up their wands to the guard and hesitated. He felt insecure without his wand, defenceless and useless. Even thinking about having his weaknesses exposed caused him to shudder harder than ever, and he had to hold on to the cold, grey walls to keep himself from falling over.

'Sirius, I don't think you should go in,' Lily said softly, touching his shoulder with a slim, pale hand. For some reason, Sirius's eyes gazed upon her fiery red hair, tied up in a neat bun like she would at a funeral. She'd even worn deep black robes; then again, all of them had.

Sirius looked at her and then at Remus, whose profile was partly hidden behind her. Sirius could barely make out a bruise on Remus's left cheek, the same shade of purple as the one he had gotten the other day for being a "bloody faggot". Remus hadn't acknowledged Sirius's presence ever since he'd joined the three of them at the docks, hadn't even looked at Sirius once throughout their trip.  _Am I that awful just to see?_ It was almost as if Sirius didn't exist in Remus's world; Remus had asked him to leave at first and then just thrown Sirius out of his life when he'd refused.  _I'm here. I'm here, waiting for you just to turn. Turn, please turn._

Sirius gave up his wand to the guard. 'Where now?' he asked, looking defiantly at the prison guard and trying to ignore the constant knocking of his knees.

'Pettigrew's cell is at the end of the hallway to your right. Keep clear of the bars. The prisoners are unpredictable here.'

'Wait, aren't you coming with us?' James asked, looking at the guard incredulously. He exchanged a worried look with Lily and Remus. Lily looked back anxiously, clutching at James's hand tightly, but Remus seemed almost impassive. In fact, he didn't so much as flinch at the news; it was almost as if he had anticipated it.

The prison guard laughed humourlessly. ' _Merlin, no._  We don't guard inside the prison: just the docks really. Couple of security checks here and there. You couldn't pay me to go in there, especially not this area. Maximum security, you know; what with all the Death Eaters.' He shivered from nonexistent cold. 'Dementors swarming all over the place. Pettigrew's is the only one they don't come near.'

Lily looked as if she was going to be sick, and James wrapped a protective arm around her, pulling her close to him so that they were meshed together. The sight made Sirius feel painfully alone and he looked away, focusing on the way his shoe laces were haphazardly tied together. He looked up through his eyelashes to see Remus already entering the hallway, keeping ahead a good few paces. Not wanting to be left behind, Sirius followed quickly, listening to the measured footfalls of his other two friends close behind them.

The prison guard hadn't been exaggerating. There were Dementors everywhere, but that wasn't what caught most of his attention; it was the prisoners. Sirius had never been to Azkaban before; he'd heard a lot of horror stories about it but never thought a place so frightening could ever exist. But here it was, in its full glory, and even worse than it had been described by his parents years ago. Most of the prisoners had started screaming the minute they'd entered the hallway; a lot of them calling for help, to  _let us out, please, let us out!_ Some were crying even, trying to reach through their bars and shying away almost immediately when the Dementors came dangerously close. Sirius saw a few of them muttering to themselves maniacally: skeletal in their forms, their bodies unwashed and filthy. Sirius recognised a few of them; he'd seen them last at a family gathering when he was fourteen.

The Dementors were feeding upon these people, Sirius realised as nausea rose up his throat. These filthy creatures were devouring the human soul, eating away at every single joyous moment that these people had ever been blessed with. It was unspeakably cruel, inhuman to have these creatures safeguarding the prison. No one deserved this. No one deserved to be stripped off their happiness.

'Merlin.'

Sirius's shaking was getting worse. What had been slight tremors was now turning into a complete epileptic fit. He couldn't calm his restless mind and with horror, he realised that it was because the Dementors were circling around them, their attention turning to fresh prey instead of the same prisoners that they stood guard upon.

_James stood up almost immediately, shielding Remus's sleeping figure from Sirius. Sirius hadn't meant for this to happen; he hadn't meant for Snape to almost get killed. 'Back to finish the job, are you, Black? Couldn't kill Remus last night, so let's do it today, eh?'_

_The reaction was immediate. Sirius covered the distance between them in two quick strides and grabbed James by the collar. 'Shut up, Potter. Shut the fuck up, before I-'_

' _Before you what?' James asked, pushing Sirius off him roughly. 'Before you manage to kill me too?'_

Sirius blinked rapidly, wondering why this walk was taking so long. The corridor couldn't have been that long, could it? He tried to look at the others but was met only by dark swishing cloaks and hands that looked like it had been rotting underwater for years.

_Regulus spiteful laughter interrupted him mid sentence. 'You really do live in another world, don't you, brother?' When he saw Sirius's bewildered expression, his smile grew wider. 'What, didn't anyone tell you? Father died last month; he retched all over mother's clean silk sheets until he hadn't had a drop of fluid in his body left to spare.'_

Sirius staggered, tripping over his own feet and almost falling over. He caught himself just in time, shooting a reassuring glance at James and Lily before hurrying forward. Remus hadn't looked back, not once, and Sirius gazed into his back, willing him to meet eyes just once.

_The Death Eater called Yates rubbed his face beneath his mask. 'You don't know if that's what really happened to Regulus, Manson. We have nothing to prove that he's really dead.'_

Sirius swallowed, trying to rid himself of the bile that threatened to rise in his throat. There was already a bitter taste in his mouth, making him regret ever coming in. This place was more than he could handle; there were too many of these Dementors and it could have just been his mind playing tricks on him, but it seemed as if they were focused only on him. Focused only on his old memories and bringing them back again.

_Sirius sighed heavily. 'I think, Remus, that this should end. Whatever we have between us; it's not working anymore.'_

The knife. The knife was the first thing that came to Sirius's mind. That knife and the life he had reluctantly promised James to live. Sirius didn't even know why he'd agreed in the first place; maybe it was the thought of never seeing his Godchild again or the pleading, almost desperate look in his best friend's eyes. Sirius hadn't been able to refuse; there were very few times in his life that Sirius hadn't listened to James. But right now, he wished he hadn't. Right now would be a great time to die, to end this misery and pain that grabbed him by the heart and pulled him deeper and deeper until he was bleeding everywhere. What was the point? What was the point when all he'd done was make people miserable? What was the point when Remus looked right through him?

' _I hate you, Sirius, more than you can ever imagine,' Remus sneered, bringing his face so close that every breath Remus let out made Sirius's hair fan erratically. 'So just do me a favour and get the bloody hell out of my life.'_

He bent over and vomited across the floor, most of it just water because he hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday morning. Even then, it burned his throat and weakened his knees so that they collapsed underneath him. Instantly, there were hands pulling his hair back from his face and rubbing his back soothingly. They were delicate and soft, as a woman's should be, barely putting any pressure as they tried to soothe his pain.

' _Should I roll over? Play dead? Bend over so that you can fuck me up again?'_

'Padfoot, I think you should go back,' Sirius heard James say as he knelt beside him. 'The Dementors are affecting you more strongly than us. You won't make it.'

'I'm fine!' Sirius snapped, roughly pushing away Lily's hands. 'Don't treat me like some kind of invalid!' He wiped his mouth quickly, pushing himself up on his feet by using the floor that wasn't covered with puke as leverage.

'Sirius, you can't-'

'I'm fine!' Sirius roared.

' _Filthy blood traitor! You're a useless disgrace to the family name! You're no son of mine!'_

His traitorous body betrayed him almost immediately, making his knees buckle yet again and sending him collapsing to the ground, thankfully away from his own puddle of sick. His knees scraped painfully against the stone floor and for a moment, Sirius could do nothing but lie there, panting for breath.

' _I hate you!'_

There was sudden warmth on his shoulder, a brush of soft feathers against his cheeks, and a beak nudging insistently against the side of his head. Sirius opened his eyes to see a falcon perched on his right shoulder, silver and gleaming. It was a Patronus of course, and it had a silvery trail that smeared outside its body and went back to its source. _Remus._ Sirius looked up to see Remus standing over him, eyes closed and palms raised.

'Remus…'

Remus's eyes fluttered open as the charm cast completely, and Sirius felt his heart beat faster as their gazes met. The torrent of nightmarish memories had stopped, and Sirius found himself running through a green field and playing chase with his father at his heels. His mother was laughing from somewhere nearby, her blond hair swaying gently to the wind. He liked it here, liked running fast with his hair falling behind him like that and his father struggling to keep up with him. It made him feel like the king of the world.

With a startle, Sirius realised that it wasn't one of his own memories he was seeing but Remus's. He knew it was an intimate part of Remus's childhood, but Sirius couldn't help but make it his own; taking it in and accepting the feeling of protection and warmth that spread through him. He kept his eyes open though, despite the feeling of contentment and invincibility against the Dementors; he didn't want to break away from those beautiful amber eyes that, after a long time, looked concerned through his previous haze of apathy.

'It's wandless, so it won't last long,' Remus stroked the bird's head, his fingers visible through the transparency of its feathers. 'Keep close,' he commanded it softly, but Sirius felt as if Remus was talking to him instead. 'Don't let go.' The falcon nudged his hand reassuringly.

Sirius's staring came to an abrupt halt when Lily let out an almost inhuman cry of grief, and he saw her collapse into James's arms two cells away. She was sobbing hysterically, and James himself looked equally pale and about to faint; it seemed he couldn't take his eyes away from the occupant of the cell in front of him. Sirius looked at Remus one last time and without any discussion, hurried off to where James and Lily were standing.

The minute he'd reached there, however, Sirius felt his heart stop and the feeling of nausea rise again. 'Merlin…'

The stench was horrible; the strong scent of urine and faeces permeating the air around them. There was fungus growing on the dank walls, putrid green and infesting everything within its reach. There were no windows, like most of the other cells, no light or hope to shine through and Sirius wouldn't have noticed the slumped figure in the middle of all this wreckage if it hadn't been for James's borrowed lantern. Peter Pettigrew was lying on his side with his mouth open, amidst his own waste and his prison robes hanging loose upon his once chubby form. He was filthy – his clothes soiled and torn in so many places that they barely covered the essentials and definitely could not have protected him from the constant veil of cold that hung over Azkaban. His face could barely be made out from all the dirt and grime that covered it, and his once blond hair was now almost black and falling out in many places.

Yet, Pettigrew showed no signs of discomfort or disgust in being captive this way. In fact, had it not been for the occasional blinking of his eyes and rise and fall of his chest, Sirius would have thought him dead. Death would perhaps been a relief, because Peter was soulless. There was no life without your soul, no love, no happiness, and no existence.

'Take me out of here, James!' Lily sobbed, clutching on to her husband and burying her face deep into his chest so that she didn't have to see Peter's wasted self. 'Please, please, I don't want to do this anymore!'

 _Merlin._  All the anger, the resentment, the utter detestation he'd felt for Peter: Sirius felt it all falling away. Peter had done a lot of things; had betrayed them, worked against them, but he had never done anything to deserve this. No one deserved the Kiss, Sirius realised, backing away from Peter's cell. No one deserved to only have a functional body to live in, but no heart to beat life inside your chest.

Sirius's back hit the cell opposite to Peter's. He immediately found himself being strangled, a rough pair of hands grabbing him by the neck and choking him. The fingers were weak, and Sirius frantically pried them off, moving away in fright. The hands called out for him from within the shadows and Sirius could barely make out pleading blue eyes.

' _Help me!'_

'Sirius! Stay away from the bars!' James cried, pulling him closer to their little group. Somehow, the horror and panic had shifted them close together into one unit, chest to chest and back to back. James was still holding Lily close as she cried hysterically. Remus had his side pressed to James's back, eyes wide and sweat beading on his forehead and upper lip. With surprise, Sirius realised that his own back was pushed into Remus's chest. One of Sirius's hands was holding on to Lily's and the other was fisted around Remus's waist and at the back of his t-shirt, trapping the werewolf and keeping him from moving away.

'Let's leave. Come on, let's go home.'

The falcon on Sirius's shoulder flickered and fluttered wildly, signaling the disarray of Remus's emotions. It huddled close to Sirius, seeking and sharing warmth, making keening, helpless noises that made it sound almost like a real animal. It nipped at his skin in alarm and desperation, though Sirius's didn't feel much more than a slight pinprick and glimpses of memories that held the Patronus upright. 'Let's go,' Sirius whispered shakily, and the falcon buried itself into his neck for refuge.

* * *

 


	45. The War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**October, 1981…** _

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up even more. 'You're the best writer amongst us, Moony, so I figured you could write this article better than either of us, really.'

James smiled at Remus, who replied with a weak one of his own; it felt like ages since his lips had turned upwards and the sentiment now felt painfully foreign on his face. 'There's no guarantee that the  _Daily Prophet_  will actually publish it, James. It's a direct attack against Crouch's methods and right now, he's about the only thing that people think they can actually depend on.'

James frowned; the deep creases gracing his forehead making him look unspeakably old. 'Look, I know some of dad's old friends, alright? I can get this through. Seriously, don't tell me you actually want Peter to stay like that in Azkaban?'

Remus traced the flowery patterns on the tablecloth, hesitating only for a moment. 'No,' he replied, remembering the hideous and nightmarish scene from their trip to Azkaban, 'I don't.'

James leaned up on his elbows, coming invasively close to Remus's face as if sharing a secret. His face, however, was pleading and willing Remus to understand his plight. 'It's cruel, Moony, what they're doing. I'm not going to stand for something so completely inhumane. We get Peter out of there, and he gets a chance to be cared for in Mungo's or at least given an easy death.'

Remus nodded, pushing back his chair and getting up. 'I'll try my best to make this work. I have to go now, James.'

James blinked in confusion. 'Why? It's only been…' He looked up at the antique grandfather clock – a Potter heirloom. '…half an hour since you came. Stay a while…have dinner.'

Remus shook his head and tried smiling in what he hoped looked appreciative. 'Some other time maybe.'

James held Remus's upper arm gently, questioningly. 'It's Lily, isn't it?' he asked, looking unsure and perhaps a little guilty. 'Look, I'll talk to her, yeah? I know she's being a little pushy about this whole matter, but she really just wants to see the two of you happy again.'

'I'm fine,' Remus replied, his body going rigid at the indirect mention of Sirius.

'Moony, if you're upset with me…'

'I'm not,' Remus interrupted, trying not to look at James's hurt expression. He didn't want to have to feel that wrenching guilt at James's pathetic and sorry face. He didn't want to have to feel anything because everything always ending up hurting too much.

'Then stop ignoring me, damn it!' James yelled suddenly, punching Remus lightly on the arm. 'Both of you pretend as if I don't even exist, like I don't care or understand what the fuck's going on!' His voice cracked a little and he pushed Remus angrily, not allowing the werewolf to talk. 'Hell, I don't think Padfoot's even said hello to me in a month – he stays with Harry mostly. And you! You act as if I'm not even your friend anymore!'

'You're misunderstanding,' Remus managed to say before being grabbed by the collar and pushed again quite roughly by a man who was a good few inches shorter than him. James seemed really angry this time, angrier than usual even. His face was turning a bright red, his magnified eyes glaring holes into Remus behind his glasses, and his fists clenching tight to restrain himself from hitting anyone. It was a good thing Harry had gone to Lily's parents for the day, or else he would have started crying at the sight of his father.

'Starve yourselves…bruise yourselves…kill yourselves,' James spat, enunciating each word with a violent shove. 'Why should I drag myself down to both of your self inflicted tortures, right?' He towered over Remus as the werewolf was backed into the chair and forced to sit down. 'I never judged you, never taken sides. I always tried to help whenever either of you needed it. So don't fucking throw me aside like trash when the pair of you are drowning in your fucking issues.'

'I'm not-' Remus tried, wondering what was the best way to placate James's sudden outburst; what was he supposed to say when most of it was true? He couldn't quite deny it, and he had no excuses to justify himself except that Remus just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to be dependant only on himself, to have complete control, so that nothing -no one - like that ever happened again.

'James, I-' Remus shouldn't have come over to the Potter's in the first place, despite James's pleas about Peter on the Floo. Things always went downhill between them nowadays. Some way or the other, Sirius would be mentioned and tensions would fly high, leaving Remus with the urge to just run. To scream and tell them that it was none of their business and that he no longer cared anymore, so they could stop it now. 'I'm sorry, James,' Remus squeezed out finally, looking up at his friend's angry eyes.

James's eyes softened and he moved away, falling into the chair beside Remus dejectedly. 'When's the last time you called me Prongs?'

Remus shrugged, looking away.

'It's always James now, isn't it? Why not Prongs? What's changed?' James asked sadly.

'We grew up.'

James chuckled humourlessly. 'Remus, we both know that this pretense of being uncaring doesn't work on me. I'm not Lily. I'm your friend, your brother – I can read you like a book.' He pulled out his wand, the old Marauder glimmer back in his eyes, though not as bright as it used to be. 'I'm warning you, don't ignore me. I'll strap you to this chair if that's what it takes. Don't test the waters with a bloke who spent the whole day cleaning dirty diapers.'

Remus breathed heavily, forcing a bit of himself on the surface, if only to please James and make him feel better. He tried to grin, but felt it coming out a bit more twisted and pained than he intended. 'Dinner, eh?'

* * *

 

' _I-I come with a warning – no, a request – please-'_

_Dumbledore cast a muffling charm around them, watching as the leaves and branches still whipped around them but made no sound. 'What request could a Death Eater make of me?'_

' _The prophecy…the prediction…Trelawney…'_

' _Ah, yes.'_ _ **The Prophecy.**_ _The one thing Dumbledore had been agonising for months now, trying to decipher it's meaning, to find out who would bring the Dark Lord's to his knees. Knowing that Voldemort knew about it, despite Dumbledore's attempts to keep it hidden was no surprise. Trelawney's prediction had been unexpected after all and also not the most strategically placed. 'How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?'_

' _Everything – everything I heard! That is why – it is for that reason - he thinks it means Lily Evans!'_

* * *

 

'Prongs, where's Harry? I have the most brilliant-' Sirius's running stopped almost as abruptly as his speech, as his eyes fell upon Remus, sitting beside James on one of the couches. Their eyes met – gold against silver – before both of them looked away.

'So, what's this brilliant thing of yours?' James asked, trying to cut the tension between his two friends. He eyed the bright orange packet in Sirius's hand warily, wondering what sort of gift his friend had bought Harry yet again, how much it cost, and how big a fit Lily was going to have over Sirius doting and spoiling Harry so much.

Sirius grinned, though James noticed that it was half hearted and a little miserable – not unlike the ones his friend had been wearing for the past few weeks. Sirius was quite deliberately avoiding Remus's eyes, and Remus was staring abnormally hard at the bright orange packet. 'Well,' Sirius said in a conspiratory voice, 'I figured I could take Harry to his first trick or treat in  _this!'_  Sirius pulled out a costume from his packet and held it up with flourish.

James gaped, taking in the bright red robes and the prowling golden lion adorned on the chest. The robes had obviously been modified and made brighter and shinier to appeal to children, but there was no denying what it represented. ' _Gryffindor Quidditch robes!'_  James exclaimed in excitement; they were truly the smallest pair he'd ever seen, but didn't fail to send him into a nostalgic trip down memory lane.

James turned to look at Remus to see his reaction, but was confused to see a frown upon his friend's face. James couldn't quite read Remus's expression, not with the mask he'd put on, but he thought he could see brimming horror and maybe anger. Scratching the back on his neck lightly, James looked back at Sirius to see what could have caused such an averse reaction. It took a while for James to understand that Remus was not looking at the packet, but rather at the healing horizontal cuts on Sirius's wrist where the sleeve of his leather jacket had slid down.

' _Does it hurt?' Lily asked softly as she dabbed the cleaned cut with James's aftershave. 'I could-'_

_Sirius shook his head. 'Let it be,' he replied softly, purposefully avoiding James's gaze. 'No one will see.'_

' _It's deep,' Lily explained, gently winding a bandage around Sirius's wrist._

_She looked at her husband who shrugged; she probably didn't understand why Sirius was doing what he was. James did. But only to a certain extent, and while he didn't approve of it, he felt that Sirius had a right to choose the way to remember his mistakes and repent for them._

' _It'll mark if we don't,' she persisted, clipping the bandage tightly._

' _Good,' Sirius replied, taking his hand away and flexing his wrist experimentally._

Sirius must have noticed Remus's gaze as well, because he suddenly switched the costume to his other hand, letting his left fall and clutching at the sleeves of his jacket tightly within his fingers.

'Harry's at Lily's mum's place, but they should be home soon. Why don't you sit with us for a while?'

* * *

 

" _ **The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…"**_

' _Did you expect the Longbottoms instead?' asked Phineas, looking down at Dumbledore from his portrait._

"… _ **born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"**_

' _I was expecting someone older,' Dumbledore replied truthfully. He looked up at the rows of Headmaster peering down at him anxiously, waiting for his verdict. 'The thought had crossed my mind, but an infant…' He chuckled humourlessly. 'My best guess was Charlie Weasley, oddly enough.'_

"… _ **and the Dark Lord will mark him as an equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…"**_

' _Can we change what's already been written? Haven't we learned from experience that a Prophecy is inevitable?'_

_Dumbledore sighed. 'The outcome is inevitable, not the consequences. That is my theory.'_

_There was a murmur between the Headmasters, some agreeing to Dumbledore's opinions, other debating whether anything could truly be done to avoid such a situation. For the first time, even Phineas was showing concern about matters outside the school grounds, but only because he knew that the last of the Blacks, his grandson, was somehow involved in this while ordeal._

' _Severus Snape…did he mention when Voldemort intended to attack?'_

_Dumbledore shook his head, his face looking so sad and pained that many of the Headmasters had to look away. 'Voldemort doesn't trust his most faithful servants…and with good reason, don't you think?' Dumbledore wiped his glasses with the sleeve of his robes. 'Snape came to me the minute he got the news…but the question is…how soon was this news revealed to him?'_

"… _ **and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…"**_

* * *

 

The fireplace suddenly swirled green, startling all three Marauders. Remus and Sirius had both drawn their wands almost immediately, face tight with adrenaline rush. Summoning his own discarded wand, James mused how synchronised the two of them were even though they were hardly talking to each other. It was almost as if one could read the other's mind and anticipated exactly what the other would do.

'Professor Dumbledore!

'I'm sorry to come uninvited, boys,' the Professor said gravely, stepping out of the grate and dusting off his robes. James noted that his usual twinkle and cheery smile was missing. 'I'm afraid I have some grave news. You might want to sit down.'

* * *

 

' _You're afraid he might have been too late.'_

_Dumbledore looked out his window, at the scores of student running around the grounds. Classes were over for the day and their joyous laughter resonated all over the castle, bringing life to the grey stone walls. 'Fear is only as deep as the mind allows,' Dumbledore replied ambiguously._

"… _ **the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…"**_

* * *

 

'I should…I need to call Lily,' James whispered shakily. Remus was sure James's knees would collapse as he walked over to the muggle telephone Lily insisted on keeping. 'Make sure they come back straight away,' James said to no one in particular, and Remus felt the fear bubbling in him ready to erupt. It was a miracle by itself that James wasn't screaming or crying from helplessness right now, because Remus was barely restraining the urge to. Perhaps it was only the shock of the news that was still holding his friend upright.

'Professor, what do you propose we do?' Remus asked Dumbledore when he noticed that even Sirius seemed too distraught to speak. Who wouldn't be? With a Prophecy like that, who wouldn't be?

'The Fidelius Charm,' Dumbledore replied, looking at James with a thoughtful expression. The young Potter must have heard them because he suddenly turned, looking even more worried. 'I'm sure you boys have studied about it in school. The mechanics are complicated, but it seems to be our best solution for at the moment.'

'The Fidelius Charm,' Remus repeated softly, as he looked down at his feet and recalled everything he'd learned back in Hogwarts. 'You'll need a Secret Keeper for that. Someone to protect the location within his mind.'

'They're safe,' James called out, walking swiftly towards them. His voice sounded a little pitchy, but relieved nonetheless. 'They're on their way now.'

'Let me be your Secret Keeper, James,' Remus said immediately, not even giving the chance for James to sit down. 'You've seen what I'm capable of. You know I can defend you best.' A decision as serious as this needed some thought, he knew; they had to analyse the situation, find out problems or other alternatives because the Fidelius was too complicated for even the smartest of people to cast. Then again, when it came to Harry and his two best friends, Remus had never considered hesitation an option. 'So, if you agree, I'd guard your secret with my life.'

'NO!' Sirius cried suddenly, startling everyone in their seats. It was the first time he'd spoken since the news of the Prophecy had been revealed to them. 'No. It should be me. I'm the obvious choice and even if something happens…if they find out somehow and I…' Sirius swallowed heavily, sparing Remus a quick glance. 'Even if I die, the Fidelius will hold.'

Remus frowned. 'You can't protect everyone, Sirius. As you mentioned, you're the obvious choice. If Voldemort were to target anyone, it would be you first.'

'That doesn't mean I would reveal the secret!' Sirius replied heatedly, eyes seeming overly bright. 'I would never-'

'No one questioned your loyalty here, Sirius!' Remus snapped, feeling blood pound in his head from anger at Sirius's insolence. 'But putting your neck on a silver platter when there's clearly an easier solution is just plain stupid!' He rose to meet Sirius's intense glare the same time Sirius flew out of his own seat with defiance. It was turning out exactly like one of their old fights; they would always get angry at each other over something, always try to push each other to gain the upper hand. What was Sirius thinking anyway, sacrificing himself like that when Remus had already proposed the idea first! 'Just let me be the fucking Secret Keeper, you bloody git!'

'No! I forbid you to! I won't let you-'

'You're not my bloody owner!'

'I'm only trying to-'

'I think,' Dumbledore interrupted with a very loud and deliberate cough. 'That this conflict would be solved if I were to offer.'

In the heat of the argument, Remus had, quite honestly, even forgotten James and Dumbledore were still there. He blushed a bright red and sat himself down again, turning his focus away from a still standing and gobsmacked Sirius to look at James.

Face buried in his hands, James laughed bitterly. 'Some day this turned out to be, eh? Just minutes ago, I was trying my hardest to get the two of you to speak two syllables to each other, and now you're fighting over who wants to get murdered first.' He ran his hands through his hair, clutching tightly at the roots. 'Fuck! He's just a baby, damn it! Sorry, Professor.'

Dumbledore smiled kindly. 'We don't know when Voldemort will strike, so the sooner you decide, the better the chances of young Harry being safe.'

James nodded. 'When can we cast it?'

'Tonight,' Sirius interrupted before Dumbledore could reply. 'We do it tonight. I don't know how the spell works, but we'll learn.' He looked at Remus and the others defiantly, as if willing to challenge him. 'We'll have the Fidelius set up in an hour, I promise you.' He quickly knelt in front of James, resting both hands upon his best friend's knees. 'There's only one way to do this, Prongs, and you know it. The Professor's already has enough on his plate without us dumping such a responsibility on him.'

Dumbledore sighed exasperatedly. 'The decision is yours to make,' he replied to Sirius's apologetic gaze. 'But it must me done quickly and wisely.'

'And you can't choose Remus over me, Prongs. I'm your brother. You can trust me, but Remus…' Sirius looked resolutely ahead, as if pretending that Remus wasn't even in the same room as them as he finished his sentence in a deliberately audible whisper, '…he's a  _werewolf_ , Prongs.'

James's gasp of anger was masked by the sudden ringing in Remus's ears. It stung. Even though Remus knew perfectly well that Sirius had only said it in an attempt to get Remus to back off. Even though Remus had trained himself for over a month now to be immune to everything related to Sirius, to not care at all. It stung, burning through his veins and causing his heart to jolt painfully.

Remus shrugged, trying to appear blasé and unaffected by Sirius's comment. 'Yeah. Alright. As long as Harry's kept safe…' He smiled softly at Dumbledore (who looked sad but un-interfering) and patted James reassuringly on the back. 'It's always been Sirius anyway.'

* * *

 

' _That was really below the belt, Padfoot.'_

_Sirius looked at Harry, slumbering peacefully against his father's shoulder; James hadn't let go of his son since they'd come back from visiting Lily's parents. 'I won't be long, I promise. Dumbledore gave me a good list and I'm sure I saw them at the Auror Library.'_

_I understand why you did it, but…he was really hurt,' James continued, his grave tone seeming almost comical as he rocked on his feet to keep Harry asleep._

_Sirius sighed, looking past James's shoulder to where Lily was making one last Floo call to James's mother. 'Look, Prongs,' he said finally, rubbing his face tiredly, 'it's not your part to worry about the two of us right now, yeah? Harry's top priority at the moment and I need to leave as quickly as I can.'_

_James nodded reluctantly and gave a yelp of surprise when Sirius suddenly pulled him into a painful hug. They detached almost as quickly and Sirius gave James his most winning and carefree smile – the sort he'd always give before a marvelous prank they knew they were going to get away with. 'See you.'_

'It was low of me,' Sirius whispered to himself, as he looked at the blood-red moon through the tinted window of his helmet. 'But it had to be done.' He tried not to think about how Remus had reeled back in shock at Sirius's comment; the movement had barely been noticeable, but Sirius knew Remus more intimately than anyone else. 'I'll apologise,' Sirius assured his guilty conscience, 'if he can even bear to look at me anymore.'

As he approached Godric's Hollow, Sirius lowered his bike slightly. It wasn't very far now; and feeling safe and close enough to a magical community, Sirius switched off his invisibility shield. Godric's Hollow seemed unusually bright for this time of the night – there were too many lights, too many houses that were awake and if you listened close enough, there was also the beginnings of a confused commotion. Frowning, Sirius pushed to the maximum speed, feeling resistance pick up tenfold, and threaten to push his body off the seat. His jacket strained against him as he dived downwards for a landing, still a few blocks away from the Potter's cottage.

Misjudging the distance between the ground and himself in haste, he failed to pull back in time and crashed into an ungainly heap, his motorcycle falling on top of him and crushing him. There was an ephemeral moment where Sirius was too paralysed with pain to even move; his head throbbed and his vision swam despite the helmet on his head having taken most of the blow.

'Fuck.'

* * *

 

'Fuck.'

Remus dunked his head underneath the tap, breathing heavily through the cool water that poured across his scalp. He could taste the bitterness of his own sweat as it washed away down the sink.

His heart was still pounding wildly against his chest; hard and fast enough to crack ribs and deafen Remus to all surrounding sounds except that frantic thumping.

The dream had been so vivid.

_He screamed. Screamed and screamed someone's name so loud that his voice sounded strained and hoarse, on the verge of breaking._

Remus shut his eyes tightly, trying to remember whose name it had been. In the dream, Remus had known, had heard, and it had sent him spiralling into an even deeper nightmare. Remus had heard and comprehended, and fallen to the ground in despair, wishing he were dead, wishing it were him instead.

His throat felt oddly sore.

He rested his head against the cool tiles, trying to remember. But it seemed that the more he tried, the more he forgot. It was like trying to hold sand in fisted hands: everything seemed to slowly slip away until all Remus was left with were mismatches traces of what he'd seen.

_He was surrounded by rubble and he was walking through it. Not over it, but through it, as if he was a ghost. The sharp edges didn't cut, the broken cement didn't bruise, the body laying face down on the ground didn't move…_

Remus's whole body felt as if on fire and he pressed harder against the cold bathroom tiles. 'Calm, Remus,' he soothed himself softly, 'it was just a dream. Calm down. It was just a dream. Just a dream, Just a-'

_Dull brown eyes stared back at him lifelessly and he couldn't bring himself to look away. It was as if he was expecting them to light up, blink, wink mischievously..._

_But they didn't let him wait, to stare a little longer to see if those eyes would respond to him again._

_Long, red cloth wrapped tightly around his eyes, entwining across his face and pulling him away. His hands came up almost immediately, struggling to free himself before the cloth got too restraining…and he let out a terrified scream when he found himself with a fistful of hair._

'-dream. Just a dream, Remus. Stop it,' Remus scolded himself, punching the wall with his fist angrily. 'You're being stupid. Stop it. It's just a dream. What's wrong with y-'

_There had been lightning. The most unusual sort he had ever seen. It hadn't been a bright gold across midnight blue; not at all like the ones he used to watch as a child with awe-filled fascination and the slightest bit of fear. It was a bright, liquid red and he reached out a shaky hand to-_

* * *

 

-wipe away the blood only to have more pooling around the cut. 'It's okay, Harry,' Sirius choked out, cradling the crying child close to his chest. 'Padfoot's here. Everything's okay.' He pressed his wand against Harry's forehead, whispering a quick incantation,  _'Episkey!'_ The wound instantly closed, but cleaning up the rest of the blood with the edge of sleeve revealed a long thin scar the shape of a lighting bolt.

He needed to get out of here quickly. People were starting to swarm and it would only be a matter of time before they would cause enough commotion to bring in Death Eater attention. Sirius didn't know where Voldemort was, didn't know how Harry had survived through this whole ordeal, and he didn't care. He needed to escape, needed to save his godson before that bastard came back to finish the job.

He pulled out a blanket from underneath the debris, dusting it and casting a quick cleaning charm before wrapping it tightly around Harry's fragile body.

* * *

 

Oddly, the aroma of tea did nothing to calm Remus's frayed nerves.

He spooned out abnormal amounts of sugar, not sure how it was going to help but feeling the need to do something, try anything to quell this anxiety bubbling steadily within him.

The carpet brushed against his bare feet as he walked into the living room with every intention to spend the night watching a lot of junk TV. Nothing could send him to sleep better than old re-runs of the romantic soaps his mother used to love watching. He toyed with the remote for a while, switching channels randomly before settling on the one he thought looked most boring.

Sipping his scalding tea carefully, Remus looked at the half moon outside and wondered-

* * *

 

-if apparating would be too dangerous. His bike was a mess, but not beyond flying. However, time was of the essence here, and traveling on the bike was going to waste a large, unnecessary amount of it.

Sirius bit his lip urgently, his mind in turmoil: a wild frenzy of thoughts and alternatives. Harry had fallen asleep, exhausted and spent, his tiny heartbeat calm against Sirius's own anxious one.

He was this close to breaking into hysteria. There was nothing he could do, nothing made sense anymore, and he could see people nearing them with every passing second. Neighbours? Death Eaters? He couldn't possibly fight them alone, especially not without endangering the child in his arms.

'I'm so sorry,' Sirius said in a strangled voice, 'Prongs, Lily…I'm so sorry.' He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the crown of his godson's head, picturing bright green grass and a black, steel swing on the back porch…

* * *

 

'REMUS!'

Remus jolted awake from an uneasy sleep for the second time that night.

'REMUS, OPEN UP, PLEASE!'

He blinked sleepily: once, twice, not quite registering the loud banging against his house door. It took a few minutes of staring blankly at the television to realise that whoever it was, was still screaming his name, and that the almost desperate voice sounded very familiar.

'REMUS!'

Remus's eyes widened in realisation. 'Sirius!' He nearly tripped over his feet in haste, knowing that the apprehension he'd been feeling all night had somehow been a trigger, a sign towards reality. He'd know. This whole time, some part of him had just known…

'REMUS, IT'S ME! PLEASE, PLEASE, OPEN THE DO-'

The door swung open, and Remus barely had time to take in Sirius's disheveled appearance, because Sirius was pushing past Remus into the house and locking the door with various protection spells and charms. It didn't take very long for Remus to notice the small bundle of blue balanced precariously in Sirius's arms.

'You need to help us, Remus, please. You need to help us,' Sirius babbled, sealing the muggle lock on the door as well. 'I didn't know anyone else I could go to and I don't think I was supposed to apparate, but I didn't know what else to do, so I-'

Remus grabbed Sirius by the shoulders, stopping his rant momentarily. 'Sirius, tell me what happened.'

Sirius swallowed, his eyes shining brightly. 'I don't know. We were supposed to cast the Fidelius, and I think I was too late. Fuck, I was too late and James and Lily were-'

Remus felt his throat close up, remembering the dull hazel eyes from his dreams. 'No…'

'I found Harry, underneath the wreckage and I had to get him out, Remus. I had to…I don't know how he survived, but I think Voldemort's still alive…'

Sirius took a deep, shuddery breath, before continuing to blather incoherently. Remus wasn't even hearing half of what he was saying; his mind had seemingly stopped functioning the moment Sirius had revealed James and Lily's-

NO! They couldn't be dead. It was impossible! James and Lily…they were…they were… _invincible._ Remus had seen them  _minutes_  ago, hadn't he? He had kissed Lily and Harry on the cheek and even gotten one of James's manly, awkward, back-patting hugs. They had been there, and Remus had been so confident that they would be fine, despite James's nervousness. The defiant expression on Sirius's face had left no doubt in Remus's mind, even if it had hurt to look at him back then. So how could they have just…? Hadn't Dumbledore assured them that everything would be all right, that things would work out fine and that they had still had time to cast the Fidelius and…

'They might follow us, Moony, because I apparated and they can track us down that way. It isn't that difficult. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing you into this mess but I didn't know what else to do, or who else to go to, and apparating was the fastest way out of here because I think I crashed my bike pretty bad, so-'

Sirius's rants were interrupted by loud multiple sounds of apparition and almost on instinct, Remus summoned his wand from the couch.

' _The lights are on! Quickly! Break open the door!'_

Sirius's charms on the door must have been weak or hastily put, because no sooner had Remus's wand flown into his hand that the door burst open to reveal a flurry of black robes and raised voices instructing to surround them and ' _cast on command'_. Remus wasn't sure who reacted first: them or him, but his instincts kicked in at the nick of time and he found himself shielding Sirius and Harry with his whole body and casting a strong  _Protego_ around the two of them just as three bright jolts of  _Stupefy_ was shot towards them.

'There's a child here!' Remus screamed, strengthening his protection shield even as Sirius crouched down into a tight ball to protect Harry with his own body. ' _Petrificus Totalus!'_  Two more spells from the back bounced against the shield, and Remus felt panic rise against his throat. ' _Expelliarmus! Stupefy!'_  His eyes darted around quickly, heart speeding up when he realised that there were six of them and hardly two of them to keep Harry from getting hurt.

The whole room was lit up from wayward spells from even different wands, bright green and red – zigzagging across the room and hitting random objects. A jet of purple grazed Remus's ear, burning a hole through the skin there and shattering the lamp behind him.

Dimly, Remus could hear Harry beginning to cry. ' _Stupefy! Protego!_ Stop it!' Remus cried again, looking back, past the strong shimmer of his magical shield to make sure everyone was all right. ' _Plegia!_ Stop it! You'll hurt-'

' _STUPEFY!'_

Remus wasn't sure if it was his own disoriented mind, or if he had actually heard the echo of that same incantation thrice, as he flew off his feet and hit his back against the wooden banister of the staircase, hard. There was definitely a crack, though Remus suspected it was probably the rail and not his back, even if the pain coursing down his spine seemed almost like he'd been speared right through.

' _REMUS!'_

Remus fought to keep his conscious, struggling against the darkness around the edges of his vision. He needed to keep his shield up for Harry and Sirius, or they would get hurt. What would he tell James and Lily then? If their son and best friend got hurt, Remus would disappoint them horribly and they'd never want to come back again or even see Remus again.

' _YOU BASTARDS, WHAT DID YOU DO?'_

 

* * *

 


	46. In Loving Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**November, 1981,** _

'YOU BASTARDS, WHAT DID YOU DO?' Sirius screamed, holding Harry close to his chest. 'REMUS!'

' _Wands down. We have the werewolf.'_

As soon as the spells ceased, Sirius pulled down Remus's Protego shield with a quick swish of his wand and hurried over to his friend, who was lying amidst broken wood and debris from the crash. 'He'd better not be dead, you bloody motherfuckers! He'd better not be dead or I'll kill every last one of you!'

Sirius's free hand fell to Remus's chest immediately, searching for a heart beat and finding one, much to his relief, steady and stable. His relief was short lived however, because his eyes immediately fell upon Remus's shoulder. Part of the broken banister had pierced through Remus entirely and was now jutting out, bloody, jagged, and sharp, much too close to his heart. 'Merlin…'

'Are you alright Mr. Bla-'

'Don't come near me!' Sirius cried, whipping his wand out immediately as a warning. 'Thompson, if you know what's good for you…you will take these aurors and leave immediately, do you understand me?'

The other aurors around them raised their wands immediately at the threat, but Adrian Thompson put a hand up, signaling that spells were unnecessary. 'Black, we need you to give us that child.'

Sirius's arms tightened around Harry, whose crying was yet to stop. 'Under what grounds? Explain yourself. Who ordered you to come here?'

Thompson straightened, taking on the stance of a well trained auror. 'We've received orders from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. We are to take this child into the Ministry's custody until the Department deems it safe enough to release him into a safer, more secure place.'

'Safe? You just tried to kill him!'

'We apologise. We needed to disarm the werewolf for safety.' Thompson was determinedly trying not to look at Remus's crumpled and bleeding body, trying to pose as apathetic and carry out his orders. Sirius remembered that Thompson had once been John Lupin's partner, and was quite fond of Remus.

'That  _werewolf_ was trying to protect me from your men's pathetic spell casting,' Sirius spat. 'Fuck your orders and Crouch! I'm not giving up my godson to that bloody murderer.'

Thompson kneeled beside Sirius, coming closer to speak so that only the two of them were part of the conversation. 'Look, Sirius, I like this as much as you do, yeah? But I'm under specific orders that I cannot disobey under any cost. There are rules and-'

'Don't talk to me about rules, Thompson,' Sirius snapped back, making sure he was loud enough for everyone to here and be intimidated enough to back down. 'I know that rule book by heart, and I can name at least twenty that you have broken standing right here. Attacking an infant, injuring an innocent, entering without a warrant, misuse of spells, should I continue?' Sirius smirked cruelly when he saw Thompson and the others' faces ashen. 'Remember this: I'm a Black and a senior auror. Disowned or not, I can take you, Crouch, and this entire Ministry down with a snap of my fingers. Do. Not. Mess with me.'

'The Death Eaters have already attacked the Longbottoms because they couldn't reveal the child's whereabouts!' One of the aurors cried; Sirius recognised him as a sophomore in the academy, but didn't quite know his name. 'They're enraged with Voldemort's death! You can't possibly fight off so many! We-'

'That's enough, Bradely!' Thompson ordered harshly, and the sophomore returned to his position, looking disgruntled but not speaking any more.

'Voldemort's dead?' Sirius asked, his rage taming down to confusion. 'How? Who…?'

'We weren't told,' Thompson replied stiffly. 'But it has something to do with the child. From what we know, the boy survived the Killing Curse-'

'That's impossible!'

'-the curse was deflected,' Thompson continued, ignoring Sirius's disbelief. 'Voldemort is dead and the Death Eaters have gone rampant. All aurors have been ordered to spread out and capture them. So I suggest you do your duty and surrender the child to us. We will then contact a suitable healer for Mr. Lupin.'

'No,' Sirius replied immediately. 'This is what you will do. You will leave and go back to Crouch. Tell him you've completed the fucking mission. Your orders are to keep Harry safe in the Department, am I right? Well, I'm part of the DMLE, so you can consider your job done.'

Thompson gritted his teeth.  _'Black…'_

'That is an order, Thompson; from Sirius Black, second in command to Auror Alastor Moody, Division Three. Leave and make sure none of your men here inform Crouch of this loophole.' Sirius glared at all five aurors, standing erect with their wands clasped to their sides. Amateurs: all of them; their shoddy and aimless spell work and the fact that Remus was able to hold them all off for so long on his own proved the fact. 'I recognise some of these men…or should I say children? Anyone even dares to open their mouth and I'll have them relocated to bloody Kenya, am I clear?'

The aurors looked at each other and Thompson nervously, confirming that Sirius had been right to think that the DMLE was a having a shortage of men, and were starting to resort to trainees. He looked at Thompson challengingly, surprised to find that rather than looking intimidated, Thompson seemed almost contemplative. Sirius had a feeling he was going through the suggestion quite thoroughly, and figured that any partner of John Lupin had to be a decent enough bloke.

His wand still pointed towards Thompson, Sirius looked over all the aurors again, eyes narrowing when he found a woman, fidgeting slightly among the others. Her stance was very different: unsure and unsteady, her wand pointed at a wrong and unprofessional angle, her legs positioned awkwardly. Sirius's eyes moved to the buttons of her sleeve, finding crosses engraved in red on the surfaces of each. 'You're not even an auror, are you?' Her stumbling gave away to Sirius's suspicions and he heard Thompson and a few others groan. 'You're the site Healer. Good. You can stay and tend to my friend here.'

The woman looked to her leader uncertainly. 'Sir?'

Thompson sighed heavily. 'I can see why Moody chose you as Deputy, Black. You're too perceptive for your own good.' His eyes met Sirius's and then fell to Remus. 'Go ahead, Tennyson. You heard Black. However, you are to watch over this house and its residents. Any sign of suspicious activity, you are to contact us immediately.' He nodded in encouragement when the Healer seemed hesitant to step forward. 'The rest of you: apparate to site ten on command.'

' _But, sir!'_

'Our mission is complete, Auror Bradely,' Thompson said firmly, his voice bordering on harsh. 'Apparate on my command.'

Sirius watched them all Disapparate, sighing in relief and muttering a silent 'thank you' to the empty air in front of him. Now that the threat was gone, all the adrenaline and anger seemed to rush out of him; and he slumped against the wall from exhaustion. Running his hands through Harry's soft, unruly hair, he tried to soothe the crying child in his arms. Sirius tried to keep Remus's battered body out of Harry's vision as he hid his godson's face within his shoulder and muttered quiet reassurances that he didn't believe himself. 'Shh, love, they're gone now…'

Sirius felt Healer Tennyson staring at him, but couldn't meet her gaze because of the stinging in his eyes. He turned his head to the side of Harry's head instead, so that all he could see was the jet black of his godson's hair, and all he could hear were the hiccupping sobs against his shoulder. 'Remus…how is he?' Sirius whispered, glancing at the clock and feeling even more tired when he saw that it was nearly three in the morning.

Sirius heard Tennyson smile through her words. 'He'll be fine, I promise.'

* * *

 

Remus woke up when the first rays of sunshine hit his face through the window. Eyes scrunched up and head throbbing, his right hand came up to shield his eyes from the unwelcome onslaught of light. He groaned in contentment when someone volunteered to close the drapes, all but ready to go back to sleep and forget about the dull pain coursing down his spine. His hand fell away from his face, settling on his chest which felt oddly large and… _lumpy_?

It took a lot of time and disjointed thinking for Remus to realise that there was a warm,  _breathing_ weight on his chest, and it was making the oddest whistling noises.

'I hope you don't mind. He fell asleep and I didn't want to take him to the other room. Since you had to stay on your back anyway…I let him lie on top of you.'

Hearing Sirius's voice dispelled the last vestiges of Remus's sleep, and the werewolf opened his eyes tiredly to find Harry slumbering on top of him quite comfortably, thumb in his mouth and the other hand clutching the blanket on top of them tightly within his fist. Remus felt the corners of his lips tug in a smile and he rested a shaky hand on top of the child's head. 'Is he okay?' he asked, looking at Sirius briefly.

Sirius nodded, and Remus noticed that he had large, tired bags under his red rimmed eyes. 'You were brilliant, Moony,' Sirius said softly, sitting down on a chair beside the bed and rubbing the day old stubble on his face. 'I've never seen you fight like that before.'

Remus's fingers ran through Harry's hair. 'And you? Are you hurt?'

'I-' Sirius seemed shocked at Remus's question, though Remus couldn't understand why. 'I'm fine,' he replied, smiling weakly and looking down at his feet. 'You're the one that's hurt…sorry.' Sirius buried his face in his hands. 'The Healer says your back will heal completely in an hour, but you'll need to take Blood Replenishing Potion for a few more days.'

Remus frowned in confusion. 'What about the aurors?'

'Dumbledore talked to the Ministry. A few of the aurors are guarding the house now. News of Voldemort's defeat has spread, so Harry's protection is top priority,' Sirius replied, his voice muffled through his hands. 'So far, they've caught eighteen Death Eaters, all around London. The Death Eaters aren't likely to come to a town as small as this and none of them know where you live, so we're safe for now.'

Remus felt his head begin to throb harder. 'I don't understand.'

'James and Lily are dead, Moony,' Sirius whispered, his voice cracking. Remus felt his blood run cold. 'Harry…I don't know how, he survived the Killing Curse. I can't tell you the mechanics, but Dumbledore says it was some sort of ancient spell that Lily might have used. I…that's all he told me before leaving. He says he'll explain once he gets back and that I might have to give up Harry…'

Remus swallowed, his hand resting on Harry's back possessively. 'Harry doesn't have anywhere else to go. We can't-'

'I won't,' Sirius replied with determination, looking up at Remus fiercely. 'He's my godson. I have the legal right to take care of him, and even Dumbledore can't take that away from me.'

Remus nodded weakly. 'I still don't understand how…' His throat closed up at the last minute, and Remus looked away from Sirius's sad, drawn out face.

'Me neither.'

Sirius burst out laughing.

* * *

 

'Voldemort is not dead,' Dumbledore said gravely after a long period of silence which both Sirius and Remus were given to contemplate last night's ordeal. 'No matter what everyone else says, my boys, you must remember that Voldemort is not dead.'

'I assumed as much,' Sirius replied tiredly, looking briefly at Harry in Remus's arms.

Neither of them had let Harry alone for even a second out of (perhaps) irrational fear of being attacked again. While both exhausted, Sirius more than Remus, neither allowed or trusted anyone else to care for the child and took turns instead.

'Is he going to come back?' Remus asked, worry etching deep lines into his face.

Dumbledore nodded. 'Eventually. We must all remember that Voldemort was beyond a human being. He survived that Curse…barely…he is but a shadow of himself…an entity that exists but nothing more. For now…' Dumbledore sighed, adjusting his half moon glasses, and Remus noticed that the old professor looked just as weary as both of them, even more so. 'He's biding his time, I feel, gaining his strength…and there will be a time when he returns.'

'Then we'll be prepared for him,' Sirius interrupted, his eyes bright and defiant. 'We'll fight.'

'I'm afraid it's not as easy,' Dumbledore conceded, 'but we all agree here that young Harry's safety is top priority…which is why I'm asking you to entrust Harry's care to the Dursleys.'

'No.' Both Sirius and Remus chorused vehemently.

'I understand your concerns, but-'

'Professor, please,' Remus said softly, hating to go against the man who had practically given him his life, hating having to disobey him yet again. 'Please. Harry is safe here with us…Sirius is his godfather…'

'Besides, what will those muggles do when a situation arises?' Sirius retorted angrily. 'They have no weapons, no magic. They can hardly keep themselves up straight; what can they do for Harry?'

'They can provide blood magic,' Dumbledore replied calmly. 'Lily Evans sacrificed herself for her son, and this sacrifice resides in her blood. The same blood that runs within her sister, Petunia Dursley…'

Sirius's expression tightened.

'While with the Dursleys, Harry will be protected from all Dark Magic until the day he turns seventeen. No one can touch him there. However, with you, Sirius and Remus, it is only a matter of time.' Dumbledore looked at the two of them, his blue eyes piercing into their very being, prying into their conflicted emotions and thoughts. 'You can try and protect him, but what guarantee do you have that you will succeed?'

Remus's eyes met Sirius's, and he knew they were both thinking the same things. As Dumbledore had mentioned earlier, Harry's safety was their only true concern, and sending the child off to the Dursleys seemed to fulfill that purpose most effectively. But there was also a matter of attachment and protection, of emotions, and for Sirius and Remus, it was mostly a matter of losing the only family they currently had left.

'He will grow up away from the Magical World, away from prying eyes and the constant uproar that will follow him everywhere he goes.' Dumbledore looked at Remus here specifically, and Remus understood that it was because only he truly knew what it felt like to have other people interfere in his life against his will. 'There will be no pressure of being "the boy who lived", no false pride that comes from it. He will be of pure heart,  _as his parents once were_ …'

Remus's jaw quivered at the mention of James and Lily, and he looked away from Dumbledore to his feet in an attempt to control the rising emotions within him. There was an throbbing in his chest –  _strong and fast, sharp and hard –_ and he unconsciously kept Harry close, as if putting pressure on his heart would ease the pain.

'I understand that it is hard for you and as sole guardian of Harry, Sirius, this decision is yours to make,' Dumbledore said softly, leaning closer on the edge of his seat. 'If you are to decline my offer, I'm in no position to refuse you. However, I ask you to put Harry's well being to mind…'

Sirius looked at Dumbledore, his grey eyes sombre and sad as he struggled to speak. Remus realised that, for once, neither of them could find the right thing to say; neither of them could weigh the pros and cons, nor consider other alternatives in fear of losing Harry to them. Somehow, inexplicably, everything that had happened in the past few hours tied down the soft whistling sounds of Harry sleeping in Remus's arms.

'You have two weeks to decide,' Dumbledore said finally when the silence had stretched too long. 'But, Sirius, you must stay in this house, within muggle communities. Your flat was raided last night, so you are not to return there under any circumstances.'

Sirius didn't look very surprised, and Remus realised that the Animagus must have predicted the attack in his flat beforehand to have come to Remus last night.

'Remus, I want you to put up all of John's wards back again, and carry on with your daily life as if nothing has happened.'

Remus nodded in affirmative. 'I'll do my best, Professor.'

Dumbledore smiled, getting up to leave. 'Please make the right decision.'

* * *

 

Sirius couldn't sleep…hadn't slept in two days.

No matter how hard he closed his eyes, no matter how tired and exhausted every part of his body was feeling; he couldn't shake of the discord in his mind and there was certain tightness in his muscles that refused to relax. His joints ached, sudden bursts of electricity that ignited every time the vision of James and Lily's prone and lifeless body swam behind his closed eyelids.

Sirius turned on his side, curling up into a tight ball and hugging his knees to his chest. He pressed his face deep into the pillow, willing himself not to cry and repeating a mantra of  _"be strong for Harry"_. It was a mantra he'd been training himself into for the past two days, because he knew that once this resolution broke, there would be no end to the flow of tears and the sheer anguish of his loss.

So he focused on Remus instead. Remus, whose voice he could hear through the door as he sang softly to baby Harry. Sirius had been struggling to get Harry to sleep for nearly two hours before Remus had volunteered silently to take over.

' _So lift your eyes if you feel you can…'_

Of the two of them, Harry was currently the most energetic – playing with lopsided toys that Sirius transfigured for him and crawling all over the house in joy. Sirius wondered if Harry remembered any of it, if a child of his age understood the complications of death and his parents never coming back again.

There had been scarce times when Harry had cried for  _'ma'_  or ' _dad',_ when both Sirius and Remus didn't know what to do. But Harry was a happy child mostly, and he had perhaps adjusted to the new situation better than any of them had.

' _Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan…'_

Remus said it was because Harry still considered himself to be in a safe, familiar environment with the two of them around – ' _Moo'_ and ' _Pa'foo'._ But then, what would happen if Sirius decided to send Harry off to the Dursleys? What then? Would Harry cry for hours and hours, calling for his parents and having no one comfort him? Would Lily's sister buy him silly toys to make him feel better? Would she turn into that black, hairy dog that Harry loved to hug and cuddle with? Would she sing to him in the middle of the night – soft, melodic lullabies that soothed his soul and rocked his body into a peaceful slumber?

' _I figured it out…what I needed was someone to show me…'_

And Remus…would Remus ever talk to him after this? The shared responsibility of taking care of Harry, the guilt and sorrow over their best friends' death – once all that washed over, would Remus ever look at him again? Dumbledore had claimed to understand Sirius's situation, had told him that losing the right to protect his godchild was difficult but necessary. But did the Professor really understand? Did he realise that by giving up his godson, Sirius would also be giving up the fragments of his life that made him whole? Did he realise that losing his godson would also mean losing his very existence?

' _Lost in love and I don't know much…'_

'I don't want to be selfish, Prongs,' Sirius whispered quietly into his pillow, 'but I don't want to lose Harry…or Remus…I don't want to lose them…'

' _Was I thinking aloud and fell out of touch…'_

'Tell me what to do,' Sirius pleaded softly, his throat feeling constricted, 'just tell me what you think is right…'

' _But I'm back on my feet and eager to be what you wanted…'_

* * *

 

'Sirius?'

Remus had thought Sirius was asleep, but judging by the dark circles under the man's eyes, it was obvious he been having a hard time. Remus didn't blame him; he himself hadn't been able to sleep, which was why he had volunteered to put Harry to bed. It had been a good way to occupy his mind from the plaguing thoughts of losing James and Lily and the decision Sirius was likely to take regarding Harry.

'Moony…' Sirius whispered, resting his head against the door frame as if in unspeakable pain. 'Moony…I…'

'Sirius, are you alright?' Remus asked with concern. He patted Harry's back comfortingly when he felt the child shift in his arms. 'Is something wrong?'

Sirius shook his head slowly. 'Remus…I want to…I need answers…I need to go…now…to…to…'

Sirius's words faltered, but Remus understood regardless. 'Yeah. Yeah…me too…,' Remus confessed, looking into the grey depths of Sirius's eyes and finding his own soul mirrored there. 'We can go now…'

Sirius's eyes widened in surprise. 'Together?'

Remus nodded solemnly. 'I think so. We can't apparate, but…Dumbledore left us a Portkey…for…' He swallowed heavily before continuing, '...we can use that…and take the bus tomorrow…'

When he'd agreed to go with Sirius, Remus had mostly been afraid that the journey would be too violent and end up waking Harry from his much needed slumber. However, to his surprise, there hadn't been a stir from the child despite their hurried and almost desperate need to wrap up warmly and leave Lupin Cottage.

During the Portkey ride, Sirius and Remus had formed a tight circle with Harry in between, their arms linked together in a protective embrace and their heads bowed down to rest delicately on each of Harry's shoulders. Their combined weight had also acted as an anchor, keeping the trio from toppling over as they appeared on in Godric's Hollow in a rush of wind and swirling clothes, right in front of what once used to be Harry's home.

It looked exactly how Remus had left it the other day, as he hugged and kissed James and Lily goodbye. The grass underneath them was bright green even in the dark, and there were even a few flowers sprouting from the bushes around the house. The only sign of their loss, of James and Lily's sacrifice was the large, gaping hole on the side of the house that once used to be Harry's room.

'They've arranged the graves,' Sirius whispered softly as he disentangled from Remus and Harry.

Heart beating fast, Remus turned to the graves not far from where they were standing – side by side and hollow. James and Lily would rest here tomorrow, Remus realised with horror. His best friends would be lowered down to these identical dark chasms, never to come back. They would leave, just like that, without a single goodbye; they would leave and all Remus would have of them would be memories and monuments of all the times they'd shared.

'Prongs hated closed spaces,' Sirius commented, fingering the epitaph engraved artfully onto the headstone. It was dark to be able to read them, but as Sirius's fingers looped and circled over the words, Remus clearly read  _'James Potter'_.

Remus didn't question Sirius's actions as he climbed into the grave and lay there on the ground on his back, eyes closed and hands rested on his stomach as if he were really dead. Instead, Remus sat down on the grass above, leaning against the side of Lily's headstone and watching the slow rise and fall of Sirius's chest as it matched Harry's and his own rhythmic breathing.

'I'm going to give him up,' Sirius said after a long time, waking Remus up from his trance. 'If it means Harry's going to be kept protected, I'll let Dumbledore take him…' He looked up at Remus, his grey eyes looking tired and worn. 'His safety is all that matters to me right now…'

Remus shifted, moving his numb limbs to a better position and adjusting Harry so that the child was wrapped more securely within his jacket.

'It's not what you want, is it?' Sirius asked in reply to Remus's silence.

'No,' Remus admitted quietly, looking up at the night sky. The stars shone bright above them, and Remus wondered if all those fairytales about your loved ones watching you from the heavens were true. 'You don't want it either…'

The wind blew serenely, gently caressing their faces as if in comfort. 'No…'

Remus closed his eyes. It was the right thing to do, he told himself silently, as he turned to rest his cheek against the cold stone. The decision would bring closure and purpose to James and Lily's sacrifice. Remus only wished the twisting in his guts wouldn't make it so painful to let go.

'I wish I would wake up,' Sirius said wretchedly.

Five minutes later, Remus found him fast asleep.

* * *

 

'Where do you think you're going?'

Elphias frowned at the man glaring down at him. 'T' the funeral,' he replied, holding back the  _'obviously'_ when he noticed the shiny, silver auror badge on the man's chest. 'I travelled all the way from Stepney t' get 'ere, so would be really nice if you'd let me through.'

'Let him go, Hobbs,' a voice called out from behind the rather large auror that Elphias wished wasn't breathing so heavily on his face. 'That runt wouldn't harm a fly.'

'Oi!' Elphias cried, feeling indignant at having been called a runt and looking past the auror's shoulder with great difficulty to see Kingsley Shaklebolt smiling merrily at him. 'You!'

'You're late, Dodge,' Shaklebolt commented in his deep voice. 'The ceremony was over an hour ago. Most people have left by now.'

Idly, Elphias wondered if the entire Auror Force was chosen based on size alone; one seemed to be progressively larger ( _enormous_ ) than the other. 'I ain't here for most people,' Elphias replied, shooting Hobbs a dirty look before moving past him. 'Is Remy still 'ere?'

Shaklebolt nodded. 'He's with Black, towards the end,' he directed, pointing to his right, beyond the never ending rows of white chairs.

There had obviously been a lot of people who had come to pay their respects; Elphias had heard the news on the radio that many were migrating from different parts of the world just to attend the funeral. It also explained the tight security around the entire area and the scores of flowers that lined the Potter memorial. There was even a special dedication to James from the Quidditch team he used to play for; Elphias couldn't quite tell because he'd never been into much sport apart from dueling.

'Devastated, the poor chaps,' Shaklebolt commented sympathetically, 'I've never seen Sirius this upset, not even after his own brother died.'

Elphias had tried to make it in time for the proceedings, but being an unregistered, non-existent entity didn't help matters at all, especially when all the apparating channels were jammed and Portkeys being near impossible to order without approval of the Ministry. He had truly like James and Lily Potter; they'd been kind to him and they'd always loved Remus a lot. Elphias hadn't known them too well, but remembered how much they'd supported Remus and made him happy, which was all that mattered really.

'Wha' abou' Remy?' Elphias asked, standing on his tip toes in search of Remus and Sirius. There were two cloaked figures somewhere towards the end, and Elphias assumed it was them from the blue baby carriage that stood in front. 'Is he o'right?'

'Lupin's always been strong,' Shaklebolt replied ambiguously, invoking even more confusion and questions in Elphias's mind.

'Bloody...when will them gits learn t' always give a Cockney bloke a straigh' answer?' Elphias grumbled to himself as he stopped by the Potter's grave to pay his respects before walking to where he thought he'd spotted Remus and Sirius. 'Didn' come all the way t' listen to no philosophy...mad, abnormally huge bloke...'

Elphias recognised Remus immediately, even from a distance. Even though his head was bowed down to conceal his face, choppy brown locks longer than Elphias had left them; he knew Remus by just his presence. Remus was trembling slightly; Elphias reckoned it was a bit cold and the werewolf's jacket had always been a bit threadbare.

There was a slight guilty pleasure of being able to see Remus again after such a long time, even though Elphias wished the circumstances weren't so upsetting. Unknowingly, he built up his pace, wondering how he was going to talk to Remus after such a horrid ordeal and what Elphias could say to ease the pain the werewolf must be feeling. He stopped abruptly, however, when he noticed that Remus's trembling hadn't been from the cold at all.

Small, pearly teardrops collected at the end of the werewolf's nose, falling down his chin and cheeks like the soft drizzles of April. Remus was saying something; Elphias could see his mouth moving but wasn't close enough to hear.

'Remy...'

A shaky hand reached up to Remus's cheek, softly brushing away his tears, and only then did Elphias remember that Sirius was also standing beside Remus, looking just as red eyed and tear stained. Sirius was speaking as well, perhaps in response to Remus's own despaired murmurings and Elphias could just barely make out the words, ' _I'm sorry_ ' form on the man's lips.

They'd reconciled, Elphias realised with a smile and perhaps a hint of jealousy. Judging by the way they were standing close and speaking softly with each other and the way Sirius's hand lingered on Remus's cheek in an exaggerated caress, it was quite clear that the two of them were back together again.

Visiting Remus could wait, Elphias decided, as he duly kept his distance and watched as Sirius's hand now settled on Remus's shoulder. Elphias was obviously not the person Remus needed right now, and the young blonde was more than willing to let him be for now. After all, there was certain amount of satisfaction to be gained in watching Remus turn into Sirius's arms as they embraced slowly, arms encircled tightly around each other and foreheads resting on shoulders.

' _Let me just say goodbye to Remus and Sirius, Arthur. They might even need help with young Harry and I-'_

Elphias grabbed Molly's Weasley's hand suddenly, pulling her back. 'Oi, where d'you think you're goin'?'

Molly spluttered indignantly,  _'Well, I never!'_

* * *

 


	47. Candleburn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**November, 1981** _

Remus sighed, closing the door behind him and hanging his keys on the hook. It had been an exhausting day at work today; more so because Remus rarely got any sleep for the past week from worry and late nights taking care of Harry. The heavy equipment had weighed down on him despite his werewolf strength and he'd been nearly killed twice from overbalancing. Even the boss had noticed his ineptitude and in a rare moment of kindness, had given him the rest of the day off to  _'bloody pick up your strength before I fire you!'_ The man had a heart of gold, really.

'Moony, come quickly!' Remus heard Sirius yell excitedly from the living room. 'And bring the camera with you! Quickly!'

Remus felt his heartbeat relax; for a moment, he had actually thought something had gone wrong or someone had invaded the house even through all the protection wards. But the happiness in Sirius's voice put a rest to such doubts, and Remus hurried into the living room, oddly yearning to see both Harry and Sirius after what felt like a long day at work.

He felt his lips tug into a smile when he entered the room and quickly summoned the camera from upstairs.

Little Harry was walking…waddling…stumbling: he was taking his very first, uncoordinated baby steps. His chubby little legs were unsteady, but his face set in a determined frown that reminded Remus too much of Lily, as he tried to balance on his legs and walk at the same time without falling over. There was an odd sense of pride in seeing Harry accomplish something so small though Remus could never explain why.

'Brilliant, eh?' Sirius looked up at Remus, eyes shining brightly from pride and joy. 'He can finally walk. Took him long enough.'

Remus smiled and sat down in front of Harry, who was swaying quite dangerously. 'I still can't believe he learned to fly before he learned to walk. He's James throughout.'

'But with Lily's eyes,' Sirius said, reminiscently.

Harry fell flat on his cushioned arse, his face scrunching up in what would be a very loud crying session unless one of the elders consoled him. Remus in particular, since he was sitting right in front of the child: 'Come on lad,' Remus cooed predictably with a smile. 'Get up and walk to Moony. Come on…'

Harry's lower lip trembled and he looked at Sirius behind him with large teary eyes.

'Go on,' Sirius urged, 'be a good chap and walk to Moony. Don't make that face. Come on.'

Harry burst out crying, obviously angry with them and ironically crying out both their names in a plea to be held. Remus, being closer, picked him up and petted his back in a way he knew soothed Harry. It was odd really, how even though they'd only had the child for a week, they grown accustomed to his habits, likes and dislikes in a way that suggested years of experience.

'Did that hurt, love?' Remus whispered, kissing Harry's hair and rocking him. 'Did our little man get hurt?'

'He doesn't cry out for them anymore,' Sirius said softly, starting Remus out his Harry-concentrated stupor. 'James and Lily…he doesn't say  _ma_ or  _dad_ like he used to, have you noticed? It's just our names now and it's barely been a week.' Sirius ran a weary hand through his hair and flopped down on the couch. 'Another week and then he'll be at the Dursleys and he'll forget all about us as well. And all we'll have are these silly pictures…'

Remus didn't have anything to say, no reassurances that Harry would never forget his own parents or uncles, no consolation that after eleven years, they could visit Harry without Dumbledore's restraints. Sirius was right. All they had were pictures; everything else had already been destroyed. Their friends, their family...

'I have some good news,' Remus said instead, trying to bring a cheery smile on his face, as he dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out the latest copy of the  _Daily Prophet._ He passed it on to Sirius. 'The last of the suspected Death Eaters have been captured, all jailed, except Snape.' The name came out more as a sneer from Remus's mouth, and Sirius's own lip curled in disgust. 'Malfoy and Karkaroff trials will be held tomorrow. Malfoy's pleading innocent under influence of the Imperius, and I reckon he'll get away with it. But he's harmless without Voldemort…the family's too much about reputation to really do anything drastic.'

Sirius frowned, reading through the article on the front page. 'Crouch's son is on the list.'

Remus nodded, putting Harry down to play and sitting beside Sirius. 'Crouch is losing his votes as Minister, so Fudge is a definite win. He's been demoted, in fact, though he jailed his own son…heartless ba-' Remus looked down at Harry playing happily and corrected himself with a cough, '-bad man. Heartless bad man.'

'Barty Crouch Junior…he was with my cousin, wasn't he?' Sirius said thoughtfully. 'He was in the Longbottom torture case. Deserves to die if you ask me, the ba…ahem…bad man.' Sirius folded the paper and set it down on the table. 'Well, brings relief if anything. This means I can go back to work again in a week. No more threats.'

Remus hummed. 'I was thinking we could go out for a walk or something, maybe shop a little. The two of you haven't been out at all, and we don't have a lot of things for Harry. We could buy him some real toys even…'

They both glanced at the transfigured pillow Harry was playing with. Sirius claimed it was a dragon, but Remus claimed it looked more like a half eaten turtle. Harry, however, had grown quite attached to the disfigured animal and even given it a name:  _'Roo'._  Remus often tried to look at the toy from different angles to see if it really did look like a kangaroo maybe, or if the name was just a random sound.

'Toys would be good,' Sirius said, his face splitting into the first care free grin Remus had seen in a long time.

* * *

 

The trip to the market was like a breath of fresh air for Sirius. Having been cooped up in the house for an entire week with an overactive child had been both nerve wracking and constrictive. He'd been a prisoner practically; unable to do much within the house and never knowing if Remus was as safe as Dumbledore had claimed he would be or if he was being attacked by loose Death Eaters. He was sure that if Remus hadn't come today with news of mass Death Eater capture, Sirius would have lost his sanity at some point and drowned all the soda in the fridge (since Remus didn't keep alcohol for obvious reasons).

Still, it didn't seem like Remus was as relaxed as Sirius was after the news. He'd been all right during their long, indulgent walk to the supermarket up until aisle four after which he started acting oddly. Both his hands were tucked inside his trouser pockets, which would seem perfectly normal to most, but Sirius could plainly see the outline of Remus's closed fist clutching his wand tightly. Remus's shoulders were tense, his back rigid, his eyes hard and focused, and his ears pricked – much like the wolf when rearing for a fight.

Sirius frowned, adjusting Harry on his shoulders as the child threatened to topple over from his own excited bouncing. 'Moony…'

Remus's jaw tightened and Sirius nearly leapt fifty feet in the air when he felt Remus's hand rest on the small of his back protectively. 'There's someone following us,' he whispered quietly to a still trembling Sirius.

It wasn't as if the touch was foreign to Sirius; Merlin knew he yearned and dreamed about it every day. But it was disconcerting, mostly because Sirius knew that Remus's touch was not out of affection or protection for Sirius, but for Harry.

'Who is it?' Sirius asked, leaning closer to Remus.

'Some old hag,' Remus replied, his hand moving to Sirius's waist and keeping a tight grip there. 'Her enormous hat's covering her face, but I know it's her. She's been tailing us since we got here.'

Sirius tried to look through the corner of his eyes and sure enough, he could see an old, hunched woman behind them. She did have an enormous hat just like Remus had mentioned, and it was rather ugly too. It was pink with a green bow and matching feathers perched on top of it. She was leaning quite heavily on her shopping cart, as if trying to listen in to their conversation while trying to be nonchalant about buying diapers.

'Do you think it's a disguise?' Sirius asked, looking at the woman suspiciously and tightening his hold on Harry. The little boy simply squealed and proceeded to balance his dragon/turtle/roo on top of Sirius's head.

' _I can't believe people nowadays. Look at them flaunting themselves. You'd think they'd have some shame.'_

' _With a child, too. It's simply unbelievable. I can't believe they allow such things!'_

Sirius glared at the two vocal middle aged women conversing beside them. 'Chudley Cannons, Harry,' he chided maliciously and immediately burst out laughing with Remus, as the two women looked gobsmacked and dropped their things at Harry's joyous cries of  _'fuck!'._

'Afternoon, Black, Lupin…'

Sirius had been so busy laughing at the offended women that he didn't even notice the old woman coming up to them. Remus did seem to, however, because his grip on Sirius tightened almost painfully. Sirius brought Harry down from his shoulders and hugged him to his chest, much to the child's displeasure.

'I hope I didn't scare you two.'

Remus's hand relaxed and then fell. 'Mrs. Figg. What are you doing here?'

Mrs. Figg smiled crookedly and Sirius noticed that her prosthetic teeth seemed to be unhinging from her gums. She also smelled an awful lot like cats and mold, which Sirius took an instant disliking to. Sirius had heard about Mrs. Figg of course. She was a squib and a part of the Order, but he'd never had the privilege of meeting her up until now. Sirius was glad they'd never met before though because he was having the strangest urge to chase her up a tree or rip her dress. It was that damn cat smell.

'I came to see the little one, actually,' Mrs. Figg replied kindly and peered down at Harry, who promptly hid his face in Sirius's shirt. 'You must have heard from Dumbledore of course. Of Harry's new guardians…'

'We have,' Remus replied with a stiff nod, and Sirius felt something cold settle at the pit of his stomach. In his celebration of finally getting out of the house, he had momentarily forgotten that there was only a week left till Harry's departure from their lives.

'Albus has asked me to move to the house nearby…as a neighbour. I'm to look after Harry if something's to go wrong, or if the Dursley woman's blood magic fails,' she continued proudly. 'I thought I might stop by and meet this little lad…see how he is.' She smiled. 'He looks just like his father…but with his mother's eyes.'

Remus's jaw stiffened. 'I see. Dumbledore failed to mention this.'

'Oh no,' Mrs. Figg replied, completely oblivious to the anger in Remus's voice or the rising heat reddening his face unattractively. 'He informed me only recently of this. I expect he's busy now. He mentioned having certain matters to resolve. I believe he's not in Hogwarts, since the post I sent came right back. It's quite difficult when the owls don't listen to you.'

Sirius didn't really understand why Remus was angry. They'd known about giving away Harry to the Dursleys. They'd known about the blood protection that ran within the Evans blood. So Mrs. Figg was stationed as a protector. Wasn't that supposed to be a good thing? She wasn't magic, but at least she had a good knowledge of the Wizard World. After all, Dumbledore had mentioned that he wanted Harry to grow up away from magic.

'I'm sorry, Mrs. Figg,' Sirius interrupted before the conversation got vicious. Remus didn't get angry often but when he did, things often went out of control. 'We really need to leave. We have a lot of things to do, you understand.' Before Mrs. Figg could reply, Sirius pulled Remus away to the deli section, far away from the old woman. 'Moony, what's the matter?'

Remus shook his head, looking more sad than angry now. 'Nothing. Can I hold Harry for a while?'

Sirius let Remus lay, not wanting to upset him further or ruin Harry's day out. But by evening, Remus's mood still hadn't lifted and it was starting to worry Sirius slightly. Remus didn't show any outward signs of anger of course, not in front of Harry, or people in general really. He smiled during their trip to the toy store and happily took turns to hold Harry down the slider in the park. However, Sirius had known Remus long enough to read between the lines, had observed and cherished him enough to be able to tell what he was thinking or how he was feeling.

Sirius sighed heavily, looking across the street at the small kindergarten. It had been bustling with children when they'd first come to the park, all of them scurrying to go back home and fighting over who got the back seat of the bus. Now, the only person left over was the janitor sweeping up the front steps of the school.

It was late. Even the park was empty, save for a young couple a few benches away. All the families had left, their children half asleep. Sirius wondered if they looked like a family to anybody – him, Remus, and Harry – crouched here in the sandbox and making castles and oddly shaped mountains.

'I don't like Mrs. Figg,' Sirius said conversationally, 'she smells like cats.'

Remus's mouth twitched into a bitter smile. 'I don't like her either. She gets to have Harry when we can't.'

'I guess,' Sirius said quietly, gathering up more sand into the pile Harry was currently playing with.

'There's a reason James and Lily made you Godfather,' Remus continued, his voice soft but intense. 'They believed you could protect Harry best, not Dumbledore and not the Dursleys.'

'Remus,' Sirius whispered, placing a hand upon his friend's and stilling the little stick figures Remus was drawing into the sand. 'It's best for him, even I've realised that by now. It's not like you to be so irrational or angry. What's wrong?'

'Nothing,' Remus replied, looking away. 'It's stupid. Forget it.'

Sirius's grip on Remus tightened. 'Moony, I know we aren't…that I'm…but I still care for you and I'd still want to listen to you. Even if it is stupid…it's usually my area of expertise after all.'

Remus chuckled slightly. I just…I know it would protect him. I know that, and it's okay if Harry has to live with the Dursleys instead of us. But…' Remus hesitated, 'but I don't want to have to never see him again. It's like…it's like losing James and Lily all over again…Harry's all we have of them and if we just let him go…'

Sirius stilled. It was as if Remus had somehow read Sirius's mind and all his inner turmoil and laid it in disjointed words. 'He looks like James…' Sirius said finally, stroking Harry's cheek affectionately with one hand.

There was dirt all over the boy's clothes and face, but Harry seemed completely unperturbed as he patted his patch of sand, making it fly all over the place. His chubby cheeks were flushed pink from the cold, and there was snot running steadily down nose which Remus took the pains to wipe away every time. In Godric's Hollow, the streets would be covered in snow by now, but here, the cold didn't seem to have settled completely. At least, nothing had frozen yet, and the cold wasn't as biting or sharp as Sirius was used to living in London. Still, it seemed to have taken a bit of a toll of little Harry whose sniffles, five solid layers of clothing, and enormous mittens were yet to deter him from playing in the sand.

Sirius supposed they wouldn't make the best of parents, not like James and Lily or Alice and Frank. They had after all, let Harry play with dirt (maybe even eat it while they weren't paying attention), they'd made him play with disfigured toys, let him indulge in sugary soda more than once, even had him streak outside the house in all his naked, childish glory.

Still, as he dusted Harry off and hoisted the child back on his shoulders, Sirius figured the three of them would make quite a dynamic trio.

* * *

 

Remus woke up in the middle of the night when he found that he was having trouble shifting to his right because there was something quite heavy nestled against his chest, over his right arm. Harry? Now, it wasn't that odd for Remus to wake up with Harry sleeping soundly beside him. Since Harry's own crib had been blown apart on that fateful night and Remus didn't usually keep any spare cribs of his own, it was inevitable that the child would end up sleeping with either Remus or Sirius, depending on whose turn it was for late night diaper changes and bottle feeding.

However, Remus was distinctly sure that Harry had gone to sleep in Sirius's bed tonight. Groaning softly, he opened his eyes to see that the bed lamp had been lit and moved to the corner of the room. Of course, little Harry was terrified of the dark, but Remus could also see a short message glowing in blue underneath it. The print was a bit small to read properly, and it took a lot of squinting and eye-rubbing for Remus to figure out that the message read:

_Remus,_

_Gone to visit James. Take care of Harry for me._

_Thanks._

_Sirius_

'What's your godfather up to, Harry?' Remus whispered, brushing away Harry's jet black hair away from his face. 'He seemed upset today, didn't he? Didn't even eat his dinner right…must be because you're leaving in four days, yeah?'

Remus sighed, contemplating how far away from sanity he'd drifted that he was resorting himself to talking to a sleeping infant in the middle of the night. Knowing that trying to go back to sleep was useless now, he gently dislodged Harry's grip on him and set the sleeping child at a better angle on the pillow. He walked to the cupboard and took out two more pillows to place on each side of the child to keep him from falling over.

'You just do that screaming thing you do if you need Moony, okay, love,' Remus said softly, kissing Harry on the forehead and adjusting his blankets. 'I'll just bore myself with some late night telly until Padfoot comes home and explains his little late night excursion.'

Harry sniffled his approval and Remus reached to wipe the little one's nose with his sleeve. He then looked at his pyjama sleeve and wondered exactly why he would do such a thing when he could have easily summoned a tissue.

'I need a drink,' Remus muttered to himself and then disdainfully realised that they didn't have any in the house because of Harry. 'Soda it is then…nothing like orange fizz up your nose to liven up your night, eh?'

Remus took Harry's small whine as wholehearted agreement and padded down the stairs, grateful for the socks in his feet because the house seemed to be freezing despite the heater working well overtime. On the way, he made to stop in the living room where he had previously dumped his coat, and fumbled inside for his cigarettes and lighter.

'Merlin, that feels good,' Remus exhaled, as the smoke filled up his lungs and relaxed him further. He hadn't smoked in a while; it was somewhat frowned upon at work and the rest of the day he often spent with Harry. Not that Remus minded as much; for Sirius and Harry, Remus would gladly give up the luxury of a smoke, no matter how painful or impossible the prospect sounded. Sometimes though, Remus would feel his whole body literally trembling from nicotine withdrawal; but then Remus had caught Sirius indulging in a couple of drags himself and it was common knowledge that Sirius didn't smoke unless aggravated or sharing a joint with friends. So perhaps Remus's need for a fag could be explained away by the stressful times…

Remus pushed open the door to the kitchen and felt his smoke fall out of his mouth in surprise. 'Sirius?'

At first, Remus was sure that Sirius had somehow fallen asleep on the kitchen table. He had his head within folded arms, slumped on top of the kitchen table and chair threatening to slip out from underneath him. Remus was about to wake him up when Sirius spoke miserably:

'It's all my fault, Remus.'

Remus frowned, wondering if Sirius was drunk. But no, there was no tell tale smell of alcohol or even the slur that Sirius often had when inebriated.

'All of this…James and Lily…Harry…Peter…you…it's all my fault. It's my fault they're like this,' Sirius whispered into the hollow of his elbow. 'I should have been there quicker…I should have known about the Fidelius…I'm an auror…I should have known. I should have let you be the Secret Keeper. You would have come sooner…'

Remus laid a gentle hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'It wouldn't have made a difference, Sirius. Even if James had chosen me instead, it wouldn't change what happened. There was nothing I could have done differently.'

'I lost my family…' Sirius replied solemnly, shaking his head. 'I lost you…because of my own stupidity. I should have…damn it!' He hit a frustrated fist against the table and looked up at Remus with stormy grey eyes, tinged red from anger and lack of sleep. 'Hit me.'

Remus blinked in confusion. 'What?'

Sirius stood up so that they were nearly eye to eye. 'Come on, what are you waiting for? Just hit me. I ruined everything. You should be furious with me. You should want this. It's my fault James and Lily are dead. So hit me.'

'That's not how I see it,' Remus replied with a frown as Sirius inched closer, too close to his personal space.

'How can you be so calm? How can you stand to look at me after what I did?' Sirius pushed Remus roughly at the chest, catching him off guard and making him stumble backwards. 'I ruined your life. I left you when you needed me the most.' Another push; this time, harder. 'I used you like some kind of street animal, so hit me, damn it!'

'Sirius, stop it!' Remus scolded, his fists clenching and anger rising as Sirius moved closer and closer.

'I made you cry,' Sirius continued with vigour, pushing even harder. 'I made you beg for forgiveness every time you saw me. Made you believe that everything that happened was your fault, that you were incapable of giving love when it was me the whole time. Just fucking hit me! Punch me, hex me, anything!' Sirius pushed until he had Remus pinned against the counter. 'I hurt you, toyed with your feelings every time you came to me. I hurt you on purpose because I wanted to see you break.' He leaned closed to Remus's face until they were nose to nose, as he breathed spitefully, 'I didn't love you enough. All I did was  _fuck_  you.'

Remus's arm swung on its own accord, hitting Sirius square in the eye. It was completely unintended; he hadn't even been that angry or provoked by Sirius's insistent pushing or self depreciating words. He honestly hadn't, which is why it took some time to register exactly what he'd done as he stared at Sirius, sprawled on the ground below him with his head in his hands, covering what was probably the beginnings of a large bruise underneath his left eye.

Numbly, Remus walked to the fridge and fished out the last can of muggle soda.

'I'm sorry,' he heard Sirius's muffled whisper from behind him as he closed the fridge. 'I did a lot of things to you and I never apologised even once. Not in those words. Please, I'm sorry.'

Remus sighed and pressed the cold can against Sirius's eye to soothe the bruise. 'Why do you carry those scars around, Sirius? It's bothered me for a while…the ones on your wrist.'

Sirius looked down at his wrists, at the clean white lines across his veins, as if having forgotten about them completely and trying to refresh his memory. Finally, after having stared at them for quite a while, he shrugged. 'They remind me…that if I ever hurt you again…it'll be at the cost of my life…'

Silence fell over them, deep and foreboding; their heavy breathing the only sound in the room. The statement: it was something the old Sirius would say. The Sirius who had always made loud but sincere declarations; the Sirius who loved Remus so madly and passionately that sometimes it caught Remus off guard. It made Remus think that perhaps it wasn't them who had changed after all, like everyone had claimed, but the circumstances.

'I understand why you did it,' Remus said softly, sitting down in front of Sirius, who was still staring determinedly at the ground through one eye. 'I understand, but…was it really that difficult to trust me?' He inhaled shakily, placing a hand on Sirius's knee. 'Where did I go wrong? What did I do to make you think that I-'

'You never did anything wrong, Moony,' Sirius interrupted wretchedly, 'Never. You were so damn  _perfect_ , and I loved you so fucking much. But I gave up on you. It was  _me_. Fuck.' Sirius ran a hand through his hair, tugging slightly. 'The first time…the first time…I didn't want to believe him. I didn't believe him; nearly hit him for suggesting something against you. But he kept pushing, kept bringing all these reports and articles and supposed witnesses of your betrayal. It never hit me that maybe Wormtail was lying. Fuck, he worshipped us in school for Merlin's sake…'

Remus pried the cold can away from Sirius's eyes gently, noting that the swelling had gone down considerably. His wand was still in his coat pocket in the living room, so he placed his palm to the bruise and closed his eyes, concentrating his magic towards it. The healing wasn't perfect, but it was less noticeable now.

'I was scared, Remus,' Sirius continued quietly, taking Remus's hand before it moved away and clasping it within his own. 'I was so scared when it finally hit me that what Peter said might be true. You meant everything to me, and it terrified me because I knew that if there was ever a battle, I would sell my soul to protect you. I-' Sirius's voice broke as his grip on Remus's hand tightened, as if he was afraid of Remus walking away any moment.

'Sirius…'

Sirius looked up at Remus, his grey eyes glimmering with desperation and a  _need_  for Remus to understand, to forgive. 'There's no excuse for what I did, for the way I treated you. I was angry and bitter, I wanted you to hurt the way I was hurting.  _Fuck_ , I wanted to prove that I didn't need you, that I could hurt you if I wanted to. That if it ever came down to it, I was capable of destroying you. I was so bloody stupid and I know it's not a good enough reason. I know that it's unforgiveable, but…' Sirius's hand loosened its grip, letting Remus free to move away if he wanted. '…but you're all I have, Moony…'

Remus smiled bitterly. 'You know…for the longest time, I wanted to hear you say that…you were never really great with words…'

'Four days, Remus…' Sirius whispered, his fists clenching as he looked down at the floor resolutely. 'Four days and then all this is over. I'll lose Harry, but I don't want us going back to being strangers…not when I can stop it. Not without a fight. I'm not asking you to forgive and forget, or climb back into my arms…but I want us to be friends again.'

Sirius didn't meet his eyes, but Remus could already tell that he was miserable. That right now, it was costing him every ounce of strength and bravery to be sitting here and laying himself bare to Remus. He was vulnerable, Remus realised. One word and Remus could break him. Just one word and Remus could get back at Sirius for every time he'd pushed Remus away, for every cruel word that had been said in between, for the way he'd discarded Remus's love like it mean nothing. Remus could have Sirius hurting the same way he had this whole time.

And then he realised that Sirius was already hurting….

'Marauders forever, eh, Padfoot?' Remus said, offering a weak smile and a shaky hand when Sirius's head whipped around in surprise.

* * *

 

Remus found out on a Wednesday evening that bathing a one year old could result in unimaginable catastrophes much akin to a bathroom tsunami.

'No, Harry, no!' Remus cried out as Harry splashed all the water out of the bathtub.

It wouldn't have mattered if it was just his tiny baby hands playing around with water, but considering that Harry was somehow channeling his still uncontrolled magic to create enormous waves was somewhat of an inconvenience. As Remus got swept away once again to the end of the bathroom, an ungraceful slide across the tiles, he wondered how Sirius managed to do this everyday for two weeks or even how James and Lily had managed this for an entire year. More so, he wondered exactly why he'd volunteered to do this in place of a long, relaxing nap.

Remus picked himself up, squeezed water out of his t-shirt, and raised Harry's rubber squid threateningly. 'I could turn you into a seal right now, little chap. Don't mess with Moony.' The arms of the squid flapped around with every word of Remus's warning, making him look quite insane.

'Moo!' Harry cried happily, quite oblivious to the dangers of a rubber squid. 'Moo!'

'Need help?'

Remus glared at Sirius, who was peeking quite smugly through the door. He eyed Remus up and down, taking in his dripping wet hair and soggy clothes than clung to his body uncomfortably. The bathroom floor was a mess by itself – pooling water, floating clothes that were meant to be dry, and a litter of toys that Remus and Sirius had bought for Harry a few days ago in a sudden surge of affection. Remus was beginning to think that sudden surge was turning out to be quite a big mistake.

'You didn't tell me Harry is inspired by the tub to do magic!' Remus accused, pointing a finger at a laughing Sirius.

Sirius wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. 'I might have forgotten to mention that,' he replied cheekily. 'The key, my friend, is to find out what soothes the savage beast…'

'Pads!' Harry cheered, sending another tsunami wave their way. Sirius dodged it easily by closing the bathroom door, but poor Remus ended up quite literally pinned to the wall, holding on the towel rack for dear life.

Sirius opened the door, grinning widely and holding up Remus's muggle radio. 'Harry likes music,' he explained to Remus as if he were speaking to a child. 'Watch…' To prove his hypothesis, Sirius turned on the wireless, switching to a familiar FM. He charmed the floors clean and dry before entering the bathroom and leaving the radio on top of the toilet.

Remus hated to admit it, but Sirius was right. The minute Sirius turned up the volume, Harry quieted down, staring at the wireless with large, awe-filled, green eyes. It was as if he'd just seen angels and fairies come down from the heavens, with his little mouth forming a pouty 'o' and his chubby fingers gripping the edge of the bathtub to support himself as he leaned further towards the music.

'He doesn't understand where the sound comes from,' Sirius explained with a very knowledgeable and cocky smirk. 'Works every time. No more splashing, no more waterfalls, and no more soggy clothes.' He charmed Remus's robes dry for him. 'Good fun, isn't it?'

'Shut up,' Remus grumbled, grabbing the soap and sponge and heading towards a star struck Harry with new found determination.

Sirius seemed undeterred by Remus's hostility, turning the volume up higher. 'Love this song. Do you remember it, Moony?' He grabbed the toothpaste from the cabinet and started singing along with the radio, 'More looonliness than any man could beeaar. ' Sirius nudged Remus, winking and shoving the toothpaste-mike under his nose to get Remus to participate. 'Rescue me before I fall into despaaiir!'

Remus grinned, raising an eyebrow. 'I'll send an sos to the world.'

'I'll send an sos to the world.'

'I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my….message in a booottlle.' They both chorused together into the toothpaste tube, only to be interrupted by Harry's laughter.

'Do you think he's making fun of us, Padfoot?' Remus asked, glancing at Harry who had broken out of his stupor and was dancing/bouncing to the tune and singing his own garbled version of the song.

Sirius shrugged. 'He probably thinks his uncles have gone nutters,' he replied with a smile wider than Remus remembered seeing him in a long time. Feeling in the moment, he pulled one of the towels of the rack and tied it around himself like a toga, before breaking into an uncoordinated dance. 'Walked out this moorning and I don't believe what I saaaww!'

'Padfoot, you're embarrassing our entire generation in front of Harry!' Remus groaned, slapping his forehead.

'A hundred million bottles washed up on the shooorree!' Sirius sang on uncaringly, now picking up Harry and starting a barefoot waltz out the bathroom. 'Seems I'm not alone, in beeeinng alone! A hundred million castaways all looking for a hoomme!'

Harry was giggling madly now and Remus, trying to hold his own laughter against Sirius's antics, followed them into the bedroom with the radio. Reluctantly, after Sirius pushed him for the third time, Remus sang along to the chorus while they both dressed Harry in clean clothes.

'When's the last time we sang together like this, Moony?' Sirius asked pulling Harry's leg through his trousers. 'Do you remember? We used to do this all the times, especially during breakfast.'

Remus smiled, combing Harry's hair back neatly. 'Forgot how much fun it was, to be honest. Harry seems to think it's hilarious. We should do this more often.' Remus realised that his little wish was impossible since they were giving Harry up on Sunday. Still, it didn't hurt to say it and just for a moment, be happy at the prospect of it.

Sirius smiled and they both held each of Harry's hands, swinging him thrice before setting him down on the ground. 'Stay in the room, Harry,' Remus advised, 'I don't want you falling down the stairs.'

'Cute little fellah, isn't he?' Sirius said with an affectionate smile. 'Do you know, Moony, what song we stumbled upon yesterday during bath time? I almost didn't recognise it at first, but I remembered the words clearly.' At Remus's frown, Sirius summoned one of Remus's LP's from the shelf and set it to play. 'You always had a thing for Freddie Mercury, didn't you? Kept the entire collection.'

_'You say you love me, and I hardly know your name…'_

'We danced to it, do you remember? After James and Lily's wedding, we'd gone to Queens the first time.'

Remus did remember it, but pretended that the sharp jolt in his heart was a part of his imagination, that the memory of Sirius holding him close didn't make his heartbeat quicken.

_'And if I say I love you in the candlelight. There's no one but myself to blame…'_

'I meant what I said then, Remus,' Sirius whispered, taking Remus's hands in his. 'I meant every word. I might have made mistakes in between, but it never changed my feelings or my promise towards you.'

_'The way you love me, Is the sweetest love around'_

'Sirius, don't,' Remus said quietly, unable to look up or take his hand away from Sirius's. 'Don't do this. Not again.'

_'But after all this time. The more I'm trying, the more I seem to let you down…'_

'I love you, Moony, always have,' Sirius said softly, leaning forward to place a chaste, tender kiss on Remus's cheek. 'I know I don't have the right to ask this of you, and I won't push myself on you, not anymore, especially not after you've forgiven me for so much. But-'

Remus closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed as all the emotions he'd kept bottled up for so long started to rise again.

_'Too late - save our love you can't turn out the lights. So late - I've been wrong but I'll learn to be right…'_

'I just want you to think about it. I'll understand if you say no because I don't deserve you and I'd be alright with just being your friend. I just…I want to be with you, Remus, because…' Sirius hesitated, biting his lip and tightening his hold on Remus's hand. 'Because in the end, after everything has passed, the only one I ever need is you.'

* * *

 

Remus placed a picture of his mother and father in between the ones of Peter and the Potters. He looked over at Sirius, who was fiddling with a green vial in his hand – it was the kind that often held Remus's Murtlap Essence for post transformations. One for every person they'd lost, Remus had told Sirius, since that was the tradition back in Remus's grandmother's place, when she was still alive.

Remus had kept a single piece from his father's wand and his mother's favourite scarf, the one that still had that lingering scent of sweet perfume.

For James and Lily, they'd placed their wedding picture because that was the happiest Sirius remembered seeing them. Hidden behind the picture, within the depths of the frame were several letters exchanged during and after their school days – plots for pranks and reprimands from Lily.

Peter was still alive, but it was better to not be so, which was why he had a place on the mantle as well, an Agrippa chocolate card taped to the side of his frame. It was the first kind of Chocolate Frog card Peter had gotten from James.

'I never kept any pictures of Regulus,' Sirius said quietly, rolling the vial between his fingers and watching the small red liquid within it swirl. 'I was so hell bent on forgetting about my family and what they were that I never kept a single memory of them. Not one…all that's left of them are newspaper clippings and pictures where Regulus is forced to put up a good face…'

'He was like you in the end…' Remus assured, putting a hand on Sirius's shoulder and squeezing. 'He did the right thing and that's all that matters…'

Sirius snorted disdainfully. 'He was such an idiot, always soft hearted and even softer in the head. Got himself killed like the twat he was.' He looked at the vial in his palm one last time and then placed it beside James's and Lily's memoirs. 'The blood we shared as brothers.'

Remus nodded understandingly and together, they held up their wand and lit the candles on either side. When Sirius turned around to look at Remus, he'd already begun to pray, with his head bowed and hands clasped together as if he were at the church altar. Sirius, not much of Christian himself, simply closed his eyes and thought of James and Lily, back when they were alive and happy. Long before the prophecy, or the suspicions, or the war…

_Prongs, you left me you bastard. You left me and you're probably laughing at us right now, aren't you? Seeing us struggle with diapers and baby food. He's finally asleep now after all that running around. Honest to Merlin, I wouldn't have minded the teasing just a bit, but Dumbledore says its for Harry's safety and that's what you wanted, isn't it?_

Sirius smiled, almost able to see James's reaction in his mind – the jeering and the laughing – the mischievous twinkle in his best friend's eyes.

_Remus and I, we're friends now, which is alright I guess. He forgave me, he always does, just like you said, Lily. All this is his idea actually and I didn't think it would work at first, but it isn't half bad. I'll try not to fuck things up this time. I gather you wouldn't take kindly to it anyway. Prongs, you'd probably beat my arse and Lily would coax you into it. I really do love him, you know._

There was a hand on his shoulder and Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus smiling at him, eyes reflecting the light and warmth of the burnings candles. The expression on Remus's face told Sirius that he'd probably been sitting here for a long time with his eyes closed, probably longer than Remus himself.

'Padfoot, I'll be going out of town for a while…' Remus said, his eyes hardening with determination. '…in search of Dumbledore.'

Sirius frowned. 'I don't understand.'

Remus sighed heavily, running a hand through his short brown hair. 'I've been thinking a lot lately, and I just…I think there might be another way to take care of Harry. I don't want to get your hopes up, but if this works…if there's any chance of Dumbledore conceding…then I need to know it now.'

'We don't know where he is,' Sirius argued, wondering if Remus was suffering from temporary insanity. If perhaps the fumes from the candles were clouding his brain just a little bit.

'I talked to McGonagall. She didn't say much, but just enough for me to narrow down some possibilities.' Remus bit his lip with hesitation. 'If I go now, I can catch up to Dumbledore. By Sunday, the shields he set for us wear of and Hagrid will come to pick Harry up. And I'm not sure I'm ready to give him up as of yet, or wait till Dumbledore comes just to talk to him. I've seen the Dursleys, Sirius, I've  _seen_  them.'

'You were spying?' Sirius asked disbelievingly. Then again, Remus had always been the quieter and sneakier of the Marauders. Oddly enough, it sounded like something Sirius was more likely to do that Remus, but then again, Sirius had been confined to the house up until now.

'They're horrid, Padfoot. Any mention of magic and they go crazy. They don't even believe in imaginations. They're insane.'

Sirius looked up the stairs to the room where they'd currently put Harry to sleep in. 'You'll come back, won't you? Remus?' Sirius inhaled sharply and looked at Remus uncertainly. 'You'll come back, right? You're not going to leave me here, alone or get yourself into trouble, yeah?'

'Sirius…'

'Moony,' Sirius cried out in a panicked tone, suddenly terrified of the looks of sympathy and guilt Remus was giving him. 'Moony, you can't abandon me like this. You can't! You said we were friends, you said we were okay! Remus-mph!'

Sirius's anxious ramblings were cut short by a pair of lips pressed tightly against his own. It was at the point, Sirius was sure he was dreaming and that either his eyes or his brain would pop out of his skull any given moment.

'This is my promise to you,' Remus whispered pulling away so quickly that Sirius was sure he'd imagined the whole thing. Remus's hands were still cupping his cheeks though, and Sirius could feel the warmth of them against his skin.

Sirius's breathing was still coming out in shallow gasps. Hadn't Remus turned him away just yesterday? Hadn't he been unable to so much as look at Sirius or even speak to him properly when Sirius had begged Remus to just consider what they'd had, what they'd lost? What had inspired the sudden change? What had changed Remus's mind overnight?

Sirius looked at the picture of James and Lily questioningly and touched his fingers to his lips. They were wet.  _Real._ 'But-'

'You love me, don't you?' Remus gave no room for Sirius to protest, and so Sirius simply nodded numbly, his mind still in an uncomprehending daze and wondering why the picture of James was winking at him suggestively. 'Then  _trust me,_ Padfoot.'

* * *

 


	48. Momentum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. AU towards the end, just before October 31st.
> 
> Written on 22/03/2006

_**November, 1981** _

'So anyway, I told Remus he's gone crazy and that's impossible. And it felt like a bit of a role reversal, because back in school, it was always Remus who said that, and James and I would go off doing those ridiculous pranks anyway. Mind you, they were very good pranks and-'

Sirius looked curiously as Harry tugged his sleeve and opened his mouth. Sirius rolled his eyes and broke off another crisp for Harry to eat.

'I shouldn't be feeding you stuff like this for lunch, you know,' Sirius commented, watching as his godson chewed enthusiastically. 'Remus would kill me. Not that his cooking's much better, but at least you used to eat what he made. You keep throwing away mine. For a baby, you've got some fine taste. I sh-'

Sirius sighed when Harry tugged his sleeve again, this time with a little exclamation of, 'Co!'

'Have you noticed how you keep saying things only halfway? Pads, Moo, T, Co – is this some kind of new generation shortcut thing, eh?'

Harry looked at him with an expression that clearly told Sirius that he thought his godfather was insane. The child looked at the telly where the soda advertisement was playing and then looked pointedly at Sirius, almost as if  _he_ was  _teaching_ Sirius to fetch the can from the fridge. 'Co,' Harry said slowly, enunciating every word so that Sirius understood.

'No,' Sirius replied firmly, changing the channel. 'You've got your milk. It's with a straw and everything, just like a big boy's.'

Harry looked at the milk packet Sirius had picked up from the grocery the other day. 'One Hundred Percent Nutritious Cow's Milk', it read, but of course, Harry didn't know that. He didn't know the calcium and vitamin value of 'One Hundred Percent Nutritious Cow's Milk', or that it cost Sirius a good deal more than the not so 'One Hundred Percent Nutritious Cow's Milk'. All Harry understood was that the little milk packet was definitely not the soda he wanted, and immediately decided scrunching up his face in preparation for one of his tantrums would be a good way to get what he wanted.

'No, Harry,' Sirius scolded in a low tone that Remus often used when talking to Sirius, 'No. Drink your milk, it'll help you grow.' Sirius frowned when his 'scolding tone' only got Harry's eyes to water. 'No,' he said firmly, looking away from those heartbreaking green eyes. 'Look, Padfoot's drinking his milk, too.'

Vaguely, Sirius wondered how ridiculous it looked for a grown man to be drinking children's milk from a sippy-straw. At least it made him a good role model for Harry, who stared contemplatively at Sirius for a while before conceding and reaching out a chubby hand for his own milk. He didn't like the taste, Sirius could tell, but as long as his godfather kept drinking, Harry dutifully kept copying.

'You know, this channel is terrible,' Sirius muttered through the edge of his straw. The packet was already empty, but he needed to keep it in until Harry finished his. 'I don't know why Moony insists on you watching these nuts. They're not even human! That's one's green, for Merlin's sake!'

'Fi,' Harry replied irrelevantly, holding up all his five fingers like the green-girl-monster-thing on the telly. 'Fi.'

'It's the red hair, isn't it?' Sirius asked, wiping Harry's mouth clean with his shirt sleeve. 'Potters have this thing for red-heads, you know. Your dad did.'

Harry grinned in answer, holding up five fingers again. 'Fi.'

'She's got you on a loop, lad.' Sirius charmed Harry's sticky fingers clean before he got stains on the sofa. 'I don't like her. Bit of a tramp, if you ask me. Look at that outfit she's wearing. Girls like that are trouble, mate. I know I can't speak much from experience, but your godfather knows best.'

Harry, for his part, didn't seem to think the green-girl was a tramp and clapped joyously when she counted (quite suggestively, according to Sirius) up to ' _five, five bananas'._

Sirius wrinkled his nose distastefully. 'Now, if you were to get a girl like Moony…' Harry glared at his godfather balefully, so Sirius hastened to correct himself: 'You're quite right. A girl like Moony would be quite manly, and completely thoughtless, may I add. I mean, he absolutely abandoned me here…' Sirius sighed, lying back on the sofa so that Harry was forced to climb on to his chest in order to stay sitting. 'I know, I know, he said he'd be back soon, but I miss him, you know. And he just left like that, with a kiss. What am I supposed to take from that? I mean, that kiss could have meant anything. Harry, old chap, I need Moony advice…'

'Red,' Harry advised, patting Sirius's stomach reassuringly.

'Trust him, I know, of course I do,' Sirius agreed. 'I love him, you know. Like to a degree you'd think was pathetic and really, truly queer. You don't think your Uncle Padfoot's too queer, do you, Harry? You could take me to your mate's house or show me off to your girlfriend, yeah?'

'Ba?'

Sirius sighed, ruffling Harry's hair affectionately. 'You really need to stop with the animal sounds, lad. It's  _Black_. Like Sirius  _Black_.'

The concept of entire words seemed difficult for Harry to comprehend, so Sirius let the matter drop. It had only been two days since Remus left without much explanation and a vague promise to return, and Sirius was feeling lonelier and more anxious than ever. It was difficult to take care of Harry alone, Sirius realised. There had been a lot of teamwork, a lot of taking turns, and allocation of jobs to make things easier on both of them. But perhaps the hardest part of it all was waiting. Waiting and not understanding exactly what Remus was up to and not being able to help. Knowing that he stood a chance with Remus now; that Remus was probably open to extending their friendship to something more; to take the risk of being with Sirius again - that knowledge was perhaps what drove Sirius crazy the most.

In the midst of the insanity of it all, all of Sirius's repressed feelings regarding Remus would resurface and allow him to dream and fantasize just enough, so that Sirius often found himself having elaborate and entirely ponce-y dreams. He would let himself indulge in the shower, after having tucked Harry to bed, imagining Remus's fingers wrapped around him and fisting him, until he would come with a groan and an empty realisation that his hands were far too broad to be Remus's.

Sirius was suddenly startled out of his lewd thoughts by a loud knock on the door, jumping a good foot in the air and frightening Harry who started crying.

'Didn't mean to scare you like that, love,' Sirius apologised, picking Harry up before picking himself off the sofa. Crumbs of crisps they'd been munching on felt to the floor and Sirius cursed when they dug into his bare feet, as he fumbled under the cushions for his wand.

The knock on the door turned into a bang, and Sirius wondered why the daft bastard outside couldn't just ring the doorbell instead of trying to break the Lupin Cottage's front door. No sooner had he though it that there was a loud crash and much louder cursing.

Sirius had to cover Harry's ears through some of the obscenities, as he rushed to the (now broken) front door. "Hagrid, what are you doing here?'

'Sorry, Sir'us. Guess I don' know me own strength.'

One look at Hagrid and Harry went from frightened sobbing to bawling his eyes out and trying to bury himself inside Sirius's armpit. Sirius supposed Hagrid's size could be slightly daunting – standing eight feet tall and just as wide. The massive, tangled whiskers across his face didn't help matters at all, but he did have a rather warm smile and even warmer beetle black eyes. Oddly enough, he smelled a lot like burnt pumpkin pie.

'Never mind the door,' Sirius said, raising an eyebrow as Hagrid put the door back in place as if he hadn't just shattered the hinges seconds ago. 'Why are you here? You're not supposed to come until tomorrow. I get to keep Harry till Sunday, Dumbledore said.'

'Change of plan, it seems,' Hagrid explained, 'Dumbledore sent me a letter today, says he had an unexpected visit fr'm Lupin and he seemed right persistent, too.'

'Moony? Is he here? Did he come with you?' Sirius asked anxiously, trying to look past Hagrid's enormous form to see if Remus was perhaps hiding behind his ragged fur coat. Even Harry, who had been crying steadily, piqued at the mention of 'Moony' and looked around curiously, as if expecting Remus to jump out any second.

'Moo?'

'He's not here,' Sirius replied, disappointment sinking in. Remus would keep his promise, Sirius knew that, but it didn't stop Sirius from getting slightly morose or wondering if that kiss had really meant anything. 'Why didn't he come back?'

'He set off today. 'Xpect it'd take some time,' Hagrid assured warmly, tickling under Harry's chin with a large finger. 'I got strict instructions from Dumbledore teh take yer two teh yer new home. Yeh can leave yer things and all, we'll send them through later.'

'What?' Sirius's grip on his wand tightened. 'What are you talking about, Hagrid?'

Hagrid frowned. 'Lupin didn't send yeh any letters? 'Bout giving the house away teh Natasha Lupin and shiftin' out teh Surrey?'

'Surrey?' The place seemed to ring a bell with Sirius, but he couldn't quite place why. 'I-I don't think I understand quite, Hagrid. Right now, everything you're saying is sounding right dodgy, to be honest. So, it'd be great if you could identify yourself , right now.'

Hagrid sighed exasperatedly. 'Rubeus Hagrid. I got me a dog: Fang, but secretly always wanted the have a pet dragon. Dumbledore's the greatest man alive, and he says teh me that if Lupin and Black find the need teh take care of young Harry, then they need the shift to Surrey. That's all I know. He gave me a letter teh give teh yer, but only after I take yeh there.'

Sirius's grip on his wand didn't loosen, but he offered his and Harry's hand when Hagrid took out an old can of lentil soup that was obviously a Portkey. There was a pull below his navel and Sirius felt Harry's cries heighten, as the child dug deeper into the comfort of Sirius's t-shirt. Sirius almost felt sorry for his poor godson; it seemed that today was destined to be a traumatic day for Harry: what with a giant showing up on their steps, his first turbulent Portkey ride, and of course, Sirius's refusal to give into Harry's demands of soda.

Once the nausea-inducing spinning had stopped, Sirius was eternally grateful for Hagrid's enormous arms shooting out to support him because he was well about to topple over with Harry into the dumpster nearby.

'Ta, mate,' Sirius said, straightening himself and patting Harry on the back to get him to stop crying. Quite a few people were looking into the alleyway curiously, their eyes first darting to Sirius and the crying child in his arms, and then quickly moving away when following Hagrid's enormous and protective shadow over them.

Hagrid glared at the nearest passerby, before pulling Sirius by the elbow out of the dark alley and into the main street. The first thing that probably struck Sirius was the rows upon rows of identical houses. All of them had the same triangular dark roofs and pasty, almost yellowish outer walls; there were neat gardens out in front with similar and well taken care of rose bushes. One of them, in an effort to perhaps outdo the rest, had even gone to the lengths of installing a rather gaudy blue garden fountain.

It looked like the most mundane sort of suburbia imaginable.

'Tha's the one, over there,' Hagrid said, ironically pointing at the house with the garden fountain. 'Tha's yer new home.'

It was nothing extraordinary and definitely nothing like the Lupin cottage, which had been personally decorated by Mrs. Lupin herself and always had treasures like old rickety swings and climbing vines. The curtains weren't flowery back at the Lupin cottage either, and Sirius nearly blanched when he saw the enormous pink flamingo peeking out of the neatly trimmed bushes.

'Merlin,' Sirius whispered as they walked to the front door and saw the welcome mat in the shape of a rather colourful rainbow.

God had quite a sense of humour, it would seem. Even for a ponce like Sirius, Little Whinging seemed incredibly queer.

* * *

 

'I'm telling you, Albus, I don't know anything about it! I don't understand why you continually persist on the matter.'

Remus's hand faltered from the doorbell.

'Horace, please do not lie to me. I feel this matter might be of grave importance, should you reveal the appropriate details. I cannot discover the truth until then.'

Remus's last guess had been right after all; Dumbledore was at Professor Slughorn's house, quarrelling from the sounds of it. Remus wondered what 'matter' they were discussing about and what could possibly be so difficult to reveal for the old Potion's professor. After all, back in school, Slughorn never turned Dumbledore down, so why now? And why did he sound so jittery and…ashamed? At least that's how Slughorn's tone of voice sounded to Remus.

'It's irrelevant, Albus. You're over assuming as usual. A Horcr-'

'It seems you have a visitor, Horace.'

Remus jolted away from the door just as it opened, and only then did Remus realise that he'd been listening quite intently to the heated conversation between the two Professors with his ears pressed firmly to the door.

'Come in, Remus, my boy.'

Remus blushed scarlet at having being caught and tried not to look at either of the Professors in the eye, should his guilty conscience get the better of him. 'I didn't mean to eavesdrop, sir,' Remus muttered as he eyed Slughorn's rather atrocious chaise lounge before taking a seat.

'It's quite alright, my boy. Do have some tea. You look exhausted.'

'Thank you,' Remus said politely, when Slughorn pushed a cup of warm tea in his hands. The old Potions professor seemed almost relieved by Remus's presence; his small eyes gazing upon Remus thankfully, as he purposefully fished the biscuit tin to lay out all the chocolate covered ones.

'I gather by your appearance that perhaps you've been looking for me?' Dumbledore asked, gazing intently at Remus through his half moon glasses.

Remus nodded, taking a sip of his tea and realising Slughorn had put in way too much sugar in his haste. 'I have, Professor. The letters I've sent you keep coming back because you keep travelling from place to place. The owls couldn't keep to your pace, so I decided to try instead.'

Dumbledore hummed and folded his hands on his lap. 'And this visit is about young Harry, I assume?'

'Yes,' Remus replied, not at all fazed by Dumbledore's foresight. 'Yes, it's regarding the guardianship of Harry. Professor, Sirius is willing to do as you say because he believes that it's the only way to protect Harry, but I don't think limiting ourselves to only one solution is the right way to handle the situation.'

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose in shock and even Slughorn shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

'I apologise, sir, for being so brash. But I do believe that the reason Sirius was chosen as godfather was because James and Lily believed that he could protect Harry, no matter what the circumstances.' Remus sighed, taking another sip of his tea out of habit and grimacing at the overly sweet taste of it. 'I've done a little bit of research, sir, and the people living next door to the Dursleys have a certain penchant for grandeur.'  _Grandeur_ was not quite the word, if Remus remembered the pink flamingo, but it was perhaps the kindest way Remus could put it. 'A little push in the right direction, a win in a muggle lottery, and that house would be conveniently vacant.'

'I understand that, Remus, but-'

'Please, sir,' Remus interrupted. 'I understand that we can't offer blood protection like the Dursleys, but it can be arranged. Harry can be left with the Dursleys when Sirius and I go to work in the morning, and if something should happen then it isn't exactly a far distance to walk or even apparate. Mrs. Figg can keep us in touch with the wizard world if needed, as well.'

'It's risky,' Dumbledore protested, though his face clearly said that he was willing to listen to Remus's proposal and even consider it.

'We're both familiar with the muggle world, so we can blend in with ease. Harry won't know anything until he's eleven; till then everything can be kept a secret from him. There's no need to expose him to magic if we agree to give up our wands.'

'And the two of you are comfortable with this?'

Remus hesitated, wondering if Sirius would concede to giving up his wand, a wizard's most primary tool. It would be like giving up your right arm, especially for a pureblood wizard like Sirius, who had been taught to rely solely on his magic and nothing else. 'Yes,' Remus replied firmly, 'yes, I believe so. Sirius can go to extreme lengths to protect Harry, I know that. Even if it involves giving up magic for the rest of his life, Sirius will do it.'

Dumbledore nodded, his brows furrowing in deep thought. 'And what of you, my boy? As he grows, Harry will begin to question your monthly disappearances. It will be difficult to hide from a child's inquisitive mind. How will you heal your wounds without magic or even without being noticed?'

'I-' This was the part Remus had been afraid of. The very reason why he hadn't told Sirius of his reasoning or asked him to come along. Sirius was clever, he would have found the loop hole and then quickly figured out how Remus was going to compromise for it. Sirius would never allow it, if he knew. 'Perhaps my being there isn't quite as necessary,' Remus replied after a long time, gripping at the flowery couch handles a little too tightly. 'My lycanthropy holds me back, but I don't see a reason for Sirius not to be able to take care of Harry on his own. They don't need me there…'

* * *

 

Harry squealed as Sirius sped up, taking a purposeful sharp left turn into the parking lot. They were lucky they hadn't been caught speeding. It wouldn't be worth it anyway, Sirius thought. Paying a fine for something that wasn't even the bike's full potential; driving at high speeds on the roads when Sirius and Harry could be flying at high speeds in the sky, and pretending to plunge to their own deaths before pulling a Wronski Feint.

Sirius sighed dejectedly and parked his bike in front of the supermarket. 'Bit small, innit, lad? Ah, well, man's got to eat.' Sirius noticed a group three teenage boys sniggering at them and scowled, looking down at Harry accusingly. 'You're making a real joke out of my image, Harry, did I ever tell you that?'

Harry blew a deliberate spit bubble and pulled at the buckle strap securing him impatiently. The two of them really did look ridiculous. Well, Sirius did at least. He had his tough black bike, his wicked leather jacket and studded collar strap. He had the perfect rugged chin and gracefully unkept hair.

And then he had a drooling one year old with an overlarge helmet, strapped with Velcro to his chest.

'Can't wait till you actually have legs instead of mushroom stumps,' Sirius muttered grumpily, freeing Harry and setting him on the ground. 'Now, don't go off on your own. You have to hold Padfoot's hand, so those boys can make fun of us a bit more. Bad boy gone to the seed, they probably think. Bloody gits.'

'Pads!' Harry tugged at Sirius's hand insistently, trying with all his might to pull Sirius inside the supermarket. 'Pads!'

* * *

 

'I don't believe that's necessary, Albus,' Slughorn replied before any of them could talk any further. 'Young Lupin can always transform elsewhere. I believe you still have your family cottage? And excuses are not very hard to come up with, no? Mr. Lupin seemed to have quite a wide range of them back in Hogwarts…some which he used not to join the Slug Club.'

For the second time in an hour, Remus felt himself blush crimson. It was always nice to know that Slughorn had considered Remus worthy of being one of his members, especially since he favoured only students who were likely to succeed or had rich and powerful families. Still, the Slug Club hadn't quite been the most happening of groups to be in, especially when you were a Marauder and too busy being dragged into (unwillingly, of course) possible mayhem.

'A lot of wizards seek refuge in the muggle world. I don't see why these two should be any different. Lupin seems to have figured out how to protect Harry while maintaining the blood protection. Surely Albus, you of all people, could arrange something.'

* * *

 

'Oi, that's Lily's horse faced sister, innit?' Sirius asked Harry, backing out slightly to hide behind the shelf and trying to peek at her without looking too much like a stalker. 'Merlin, look at that child she's carrying! It looks like a walrus of some sorts!'

Petunia Dursley was as stick thin as ever, a horrible contrast to the young boy seated in the shopping cart. He looked about Harry's age, perhaps a few months older, but the boy could easily outweigh Sirius himself. Sirius remembered Lily mentioning the child's name once; something awful like Dumbo or Tartley or something.

The child already had a good two chins, wobbling every time he took a bite of the candy bar in his hands, smearing chocolate all over his mouth and making a colossal mess of his hands and clothes. Not that Sirius blamed him. If he was dressed in an orange jumper with pompoms and a matching hat with rabbit ears attached to them, Sirius would probably do a lot worse than stain them with chocolate. Petunia Dursley didn't seem to mind though, cooing over her child and muttering something that Sirius couldn't hear but somehow always elicited one word out of the young Dursley:

'NO!'

'What a brat,' Sirius muttered, looking away. 'I can't believe I have to send you to her for babysitting every morning once I start work. I bet he can't even stand with all that fat hanging off of him. We should give him a push and watch him roll sometime, eh, Harry? Get a good laugh out of it.' Sirius turned to grasp Harry's hand again and found himself reaching for air. 'Harry?'

'MOO!'

* * *

 

'I can't thank you enough, sir. I-If there's anything I can ever do for you…please…'

Dumbledore smiled kindly. 'Tell me, my boy, what do you know of a Horcurx?'

Slughorn stiffened in his seat and looked from Remus to Dumbledore nervously. 'Albus…'

'Horcrux?' The word seemed familiar, perhaps something that Remus had heard in passing but never quite learned or found out about. 'I don't know much, Professor, but I'm sure it'll be in the library somewhere…I mean, Madam Pince would always know…'

'I'm afraid the pages have been conveneintly ripped out, and there are very few books that discuss such a thing.' Dumbledore must have noticed Remus's look of confusion and elaborated, 'It's an ancient, forbidden magic. Many have even forgotten about it and there are risks that most people are too afraid to take.'

'I don't think I understand…' Remus replied, frowning and wondering why Slughorn was appearing so uncomfortable all of a sudden and if that's what the previous argument had been about.

'Nor do I,' Dumbledore admitted, helping himself to the chocolate biscuits that had lain forgotten for so long. 'But in time, perhaps we all will. Tell me, Remus, do you really think Voldemort is dead?'

Remus blinked at the sudden change in subject. 'I'd like to, Professor, but if I did, it would only be wishful thinking. Voldemort, he was too powerful to be destroyed this easily.'

'Yes, I agree.' Dumbledore chewed thoughtfully, seemingly lost in his own theories and perceptions.

'Do you believe he'll come back?' Remus asked, breaking Dumbledore from his thoughts.

Dumbledore smiled mysteriously and helped himself to another biscuit. 'Only time will tell, Remus, my boy. But perhaps, the true question is, will _you_ come back? After seeing the true horrors of war, are you willing to fight for the Order once again at such high costs?'

'I've never turned you down, Professor,' Remus replied, holding his head high. 'My father believed it and so do I; we need to sometimes sacrifice ourselves to protect the people we truly care for.'

Slughorn laughed bitterly. 'He isn't talking of your life, Lupin. One can simply tell by your face that you hold many things in higher regard than your own skin…'

It sounded a bit hypocritical coming from Slughorn, who was known to care for only his own skin and how to keep said skin safe from harm using any means possible. It also served as a bit of a blow in the head to Remus who suddenly understood what 'high costs' Dumbledore had been talking about and for the first time, hesitated. Slughorn was wrong of course; there weren't many things that Remus held at a higher regard than his own life. There weren't many; just two. And they weren't things, but people…

People like James and Lily. Like Peter and his parents.

How much was he willing to lose exactly? Remus didn't seem to have an answer.

* * *

 

'Harry! That isn't Moony! Harry!'

'He's yours, I gather?' The man smiled, looking pointedly at the child clutching his trouser leg and screaming ' _moo!'_ quite happily on top of his lungs.

'Sorry,' Sirius panted, prying Harry off with difficulty. 'I think he recognised your coat. His Uncle Moony has one just like that.'

After a lot of struggling, Harry seemed to have realised that the man in front of him wasn't Remus and twisted to look at Sirius with large teary eyes. 'Moo…' he whimpered, sticking out his bottom lip. 'Moo…'

'No, that's not Moony, love,' Sirius explained patiently. 'See? His hair's different…and his eyes are blue…and Moony's a lot taller, isn't he?'

Harry looked ready to cry, so Sirius quickly grabbed a colourful box of crackers off the shelf and shoved it into Harry's hands, thanking all the Gods for making children so easy to amuse and giving them short attention spans.

'Harry, is it? How old is he?' The man asked, ruffling Harry's hair.

'A year and some,' Sirius replied casually. 'He's been driving me crazy all day, so I thought I'd take him out for some fresh air. Didn't think he'd assault anybody…'

The man laughed. 'I've got two teenagers in the house, so I don't really see you fit to complain. He's a cute little fellow, I'll tell you that. Looks like his mum, I'm guessing?'

'He looks like his dad actually.' At the man's puzzled expression, Sirius conceded to open up a little bit. 'I'm his godfather. I take care of him now…'

The man looked down, obviously uncomfortable and confused as to what to say. 'Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed like that.'

Sirius shrugged awkwardly, pretending that the sudden pang he felt in his chest was just his imagination. 'I should be going…er…naptime and all that rubbish. I'll see you around, yeah?' Sirius gave the man a weak smile, before taking Harry's hand once more. 'Come on, love, let's go.'

Harry looked at Sirius, then at the man whose name they still didn't know and Sirius currently felt too uncomfortable to ask. Harry seemed to be almost contemplating something complicated that only his child-like mind could understand. Finally, after a lot of staring, Harry tugged the edge of the man's long coat.

'Moo,' he protested, pulling at the coat again, almost as if he expected the man to take it off. Sirius wondered if Harry actually believed that the man somehow knew where Remus was or had stolen the coat off of Remus. 'Moo.' Harry looked at Sirius, head tilted to the side in a confused, dog-like manner – something he'd definitely picked up from his godfather.

The man laughed again, looking down fondly at Harry. 'This Uncle Moony must be some great chap.'

* * *

 

Remus wished he'd written down the address. The house was harder to find than he'd initially thought; all of them seemed to be alike and identical in every possible way. He'd assumed the fountain and pink flamingo would remain in the garden, noticeable by anyone with an eye; but it seemed that Sirius had thrown the hideous garden pieces away. In the dark, there was no possible way he could see the name plates clearly, and he wasn't going to risk being accused of burglary by peeping in through the windows at two in the morning.

Remus huffed, blowing out cold air as he pulled his coat tighter against his body. The snow had settled deep here in Little Whinging, and Remus only wished he'd thought of warmer clothing. It seemed that everything was going awry tonight, and if his luck continued at this rate, it was possible he wouldn't find Sirius and Harry any time soon.

Remus felt like he was going in circles with nothing distinguishing one house from another. And then he saw it:

An old rickety swing, frozen and creaking from the cold like the joints of an old man. It was a garden swing, once black but now chipping in several places and looking an age-old metallic. The sort women liked in their jewellery. It was Remus's old swing from the Lupin cottage.

Remus laughed, suddenly feeling very carefree and practically running and sliding through the layers of snow and slippery ice. 'I finally found you, you bastard!' The cold was sharp and biting, striking his cheeks and nose pink as he ran, but there was an unexpected rush of adrenaline now, a tingling  _feeling_  in his chest that grew and grew as he got closer. He couldn't explain his excitement or sudden joy at spotting the right house; just that he needed to run there and reach as fast as he could.

Remus skidded to a stop, nearly falling over and grinning like a lunatic, as he raised his fist to knock.

The door opened even before his knuckles touched the wood.

Sirius was standing there in his pyjamas and panting fast, as if he'd been running a marathon and back. His eyes were wide with disbelief as they roamed over Remus's face, almost unable to comprehend Remus being there at the front step of their house this late into the night. One of Sirius's hands were clutching tightly at his heart as he steadied his breathing…

'I haven't showered,' Remus said, breaking the tense silence between them, 'for five days.'

Sirius blinked, once, twice, before moving aside to let Remus in. 'You'll need to give up your wand first…'

'Yeah,' Remus said, wondering why only a week of absence was making things so awkward between their lifelong friendships. 'Yeah, it was part of the agreement with Dumbledore, wasn't it?' He fished out his wand from his pocket and handed it over to Sirius, who nodded.

Remus watched in awe as Sirius unwrapped the band-aid around his thumb and pressed the wound tightly to open it up again. At the first sign of blood, Sirius immediately pressed it against the wall right beside the door. Remus was going to ask what the hell Sirius was doing, when he saw a sliver of light and then literally by magic, a small compartment appeared where the wall had just been.

'It's a blood seal,' Sirius explained, stashing Remus's wand inside with his own one. 'Only you and I can open it in times of emergency. It can work in any part of the house; Dumbledore arranged it to be re-locatable.'

Remus was impressed by the old Professor's vision, to say the least.

'Bathroom's upstairs, to your left.'

The first thing Remus noticed about the house was the mismatched furniture. There were pieces he recognised from both the Lupin household and Sirius's old flat. There were a few new ones as well, or perhaps Remus had just never noticed them until now. Either way, despite being from various places, everything seemed to go perfectly. Then again, Sirius's knack for home décor shouldn't have come as that much of a surprise, since being born to the Black family came with having good taste. Even back when they'd shared an apartment, Sirius had had a good eye; unfortunately, most of that eye had been covered by strewn clothes, food cartons, and other bachelor messes.

The house was a lot bigger than Remus was used to as well. It had a living room, dining room, more kitchen than he or Sirius would ever need, and three massive bedrooms. The one in the middle, Sirius had made into a nursery, Remus noticed as he walked across the hallway. The room looked like it had only recently been painted and sparsely had any furniture at all except a crib and a few boxes lying around. Surprisingly, the crib was empty and Remus found young Harry slumbering peacefully in the next bedroom in what Remus assumed was Sirius's bed.

 _Old habits die hard,_ Remus thought, walking into the bathroom and starting to peel off the wet layers of clothes hugging his body.

It felt fantastic to finally be able to take a shower. Remus hadn't been lying when he'd said that he hadn't washed in five days. He'd managed a few cleaning spells and uneven shaving these past few days; nothing to boast about but just enough to keep flowers and animals from dying in his wake.

'I bought some clean towels and clothes. We haven't unpacked everything, so you'll have to wear my pyjamas for a while.'

Through the curtain, Remus could only make out Sirius's silhouette, nervously shifting from foot to foot before taking a seat on the toilet. 'Is it alright?' Remus asked uncertainly, sighing as the hot water washed away the lingering cold. 'I mean, living here as a muggle. Hiding things this way from Harry…'

'It's the best way,' Sirius replied, his voice sounding hoarse from sleep. 'Dumbledore's right. Harry doesn't need to grow up with the burden of being _The Boy Who Lived._ It'll just get to his head and he's a good kid, you know.'

Remus hummed as he poured generous amounts of kiwi-scented baby shampoo into his palm (Sirius didn't seem to have any other kind). 'He still sleeps on your bed…'

Sirius sighed. 'He didn't the first two days, but then he started looking for you and I told him you weren't there. I guess somewhere in his little head he thought I was going to leave, too, so now he keeps bringing himself to my room.' Sirius laughed, a hint of pride seeping through his voice. 'You should have seen him last night, Moony, he levitated himself out of his crib, all the way to my bed…completely asleep! It scared me out of my pants!'

Remus laughed, wincing as he got shampoo suds in his eye. 'He missed me,' he said, almost disbelievingly. Remus had never thought Harry was attached to him as much; Sirius was the godfather after all and he was the one who could turn into a big black dog whenever needed. Remus was the uncle who made bad lunches, and made up horrible stories with Harry's dolls, and gave better piggy back rides on the advantage that he was taller than Sirius.

''Course he missed you, you prat!' Sirius scolded, though without malice. 'I…I missed you,' he added, a little more softly.

'Sirius…'

'You kissed me, Moony. You kissed me before you left and I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since. It has to mean something!'

'It does,' Remus replied, closing his eyes, so that he didn't have to see Sirius's slumped figure. 'It did mean something to me, but Padfoot-'

'Why is there a 'but'?' Sirius shouted, standing up. 'Why does there always have to be a 'but' with you?'

'Because I need to know before I hurt myself again!' Remus yelled back, suddenly having the urge to hit something. 'I need to know if you really mean this, or if you're just trying to hold on to the past! If you just want to be in love and not actually in love!'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Sirius asked, his voice going dangerously low. Even without looking, Remus could tell that Sirius's fists were balled up tightly and he was shaking from controlled rage.

'Look at me, Sirius, just for once, look. I know it hasn't escaped you that I'm a werewolf and this definitely isn't the first time that my lycanthropy has played a part in us drifting apart. No, listen to me,' Remus said sternly when he could hear Sirius beginning to protest. 'I've forgiven you for all of it because I know that you really do care. I know that, Sirius, but what I truly need to know is if you can accept this. If you're really okay with my being a werewolf because I can give up my life for you, Padfoot, but I can't change who I am.'

'I know that, Moony,' Sirius replied, his voice softer now. 'I know that and I don't want you to change.'

'Mean it, Padfoot,' Remus said quietly, bowing his head and letting the water flatten his hair into his eyes. 'You've made promises before and broken them, and I've always forgiven you for it. I always will, no matter what you do, but…but if you…if you leave me again, Padfoot…I-'

'I'm not leaving you!' Sirius cried vehemently, pushing the shower curtains open, to Remus's surprise. Sirius noticed his little outburst none too sooner and quickly looked away from Remus's naked body to the ground, his face alternating between different shades of red. Sirius coughed uneasily. 'I don't know what to say to convince you, Moony, and you know what an idiot I am. I never learn, but you could always er…hit me up the head or something when I do…you know…fuck up.'

There was a period of silence between them when nothing could be heard except the sound of running water and their heavy breathing. Sirius was fidgeting on his feet, his hand still on the curtain as if wondering if it would be appropriate to close it now, while his eyes fought not to look at Remus. It was odd to see Sirius Black so shy…

Remus smiled and reached out a hand to cup Sirius's cheek gently. Sirius shivered but still kept his face resolutely turned away, so Remus pulled him closer by the chin instead, forcing him to look. 'Padfoot…' Remus whispered, before bending down slightly and pressing his lips to Sirius's.

There was a muffled gasp and suddenly, they were both pressing against each other hungrily. Sirius gripping Remus tightly at the waist, shoulders, chest, his hands slipping and sliding against wet skin as he struggled to pull Remus closer. Remus's own hands were frantic in their pace as he pulled at Sirius's shirt, popping a few of the buttons in his haste and pushing down the threadbare trousers to squeeze his arse firmly. As all the intrusive clothing fell away, Remus only had seconds to realise that Sirius had been sleeping in Remus's pyjamas the entire time, before Sirius was climbing into the shower with him and grinding their pelvises together in a desperate dance.

Their kissing was getting frenetic now, sloppy with their teeth clashing against one another and tounges curling and exploring. Even during their short, needy gasps of breath, they kissed – they kissed collarbones, jaws, necks. Their hands wandered over every inch of skin they could find – chest, hips, thighs – until finally Remus's hand drifted down to touch forbidden skin, his fingers probing in ways that made Sirius's back arch and his teeth dig into Remus's shoulder from pleasure.

Remus turned Sirius around, so that they were chest to back, pushing Sirius until he was leaning against the cold tiles and bracing himself with his hands, making lustful sounds of need and want. For a moment, Remus watched mesmerised as hot water pounded over their heads, washing away the almost numbing cold of the tiles they were pressed against. There was warm mist collecting around them, so that the only thing Remus could see was Sirius and the tantalising way streams of water ran down every dip and contour of his back, as the muscles underneath flexed and contracted impatiently.

'Moony,' Sirius groaned, his lips pink from the heat and their aggressive kissing. He was panting heavily, resting his forehead against the wall as he pushed back toward Remus, inviting, encouraging him; shamelessly showing how hard he was and how much he wanted Remus.

'I love you,' Remus said softly, kissing Sirius's shoulder before burying himself to the hilt, deep enough to feel every shudder of pleasure that ran through Sirius's body, every moan and vibration, every wanton arch and plea to  _move._

One of Sirius's arms reached behind to pull Remus's head into a rough kiss. ''S been too long,' he groaned against Remus's lips, laying soft kisses, his tounge reaching out to taste the water droplet collecting on Remus's upper lip, the dip of his chin, between the creases of his lips. 'It's only you like this…only you…'

Remus kissed him again, the hand not holding Sirius's tightly by the hip inching downwards; caressing Sirius's stomach with light teasing touches before daring to go further, wanting to make it as good for Sirius as it was for him, as tight and hot, and hard, and fast.

Sirius's hand stopped him, entwining their fingers together just above – tantalisingly close, just inches away from Remus's touch. 'I'll come,' Sirius breathed, tightening his hold on Remus's hand as Remus pushed in just  _there_ , again and again. 'Kiss me.'

Neither of them lasted long after that, or maybe they'd just lost track of time between each kiss and every delicious thrust. Sirius came first, calling out Remus's name as he clenched around him, pushing Remus over the edge with nothing to hold their buckling knees but the wall. They were still pressed flush against one another and the wall, their heads rested beside each other against the cool, condensing tiles, and heartbeats and sharp breaths drowning out the sounds of running water in the bathroom.

Remus kissed Sirius's shoulder softly before attempting to move away, but Sirius held on to him from the back, keeping Remus deep within him and as close as humanly possible. 'Stay,' he breathed, eyes closed and panting as the water washed away the remains of their deed. 'Just stay with me…'

* * *

 

'Mornin',' Sirius whispered, kissing Remus lightly on the forehead. 'Sleep well?'

Remus groaned and kept his eyes tightly shut, unwilling to wake up so early in the morning despite the seductive smell of tea wafting under his nose. 'Go away,' he muttered, swatting the air in hopes of hitting Sirius sometime soon. 'Still sleepy…' Remus snuggled deeper into his pillow, one of his arms still trapped underneath two stones worth of baby.

Sirius laughed, pressing his forehead to Remus's, and the idea that all of three of them smelled like kiwi suddenly struck Remus as very odd and silly. Were two grown men allowed to smell like fruit? No, the irony wasn't lost on him either.

'I made breakfast,' Sirius sang, as if Remus couldn't smell the burnt toast. If Remus knew Sirius well enough, he'd probably tried to cover up the burnt bits with insane amounts of jam or marmalade.

'The sun isn't up yet,' Remus protested, though he knew that Sirius had already shooed off what remained of his sleep with his bloody sunshine attitude.

'It's ten in the morning, Moony, the sun's been up for ages. I just didn't open the curtains yet,' Sirius replied, kissing Remus's cheek, his forehead, his eyelids…

'Why not?'

'Bloody Dursley woman,' Sirius mumbled into the sleep warm skin of Remus's neck. 'Like a fucking hawk, peeking out of her window into everybody's business. Wish I could throw something at her face…'

Remus chuckled, using his un-trapped hand to comb Sirius's bed hair with his fingers. 'We'd give her quite a fright, wouldn't we?'

'We would,' Sirius agreed, and from the mischievous tone of his voice, Remus could tell that he was considering it as an option. 'But then all the ladies would be scarred for life. You should see all the free pies and cookies we got, Moony. Poor little, single Sirius Black, sacrificing so much to take care of his godchild. With you in the picture, they'll just eat us up…there'll be swarms on our front door offering their sympathies.'

Remus snorted, well able to tell that Sirius enjoyed the attention more than he was letting on. Well, the attention or the pies. Sirius always did have an affinity towards pie. 'Andy and my aunt volunteered to visit after full moons, didn't they? Probably could pass off as our girlfriends or something…'

'Oh no, Moony, I couldn't even consider a relationship with Harry so young,' said Sirius in a mock worried tone. 'He's my first priority now, and his Uncle Moony would agree.'

'Prat,' Remus scolded, lightly hitting Sirius on the bum.

'I have to admit, Dumbledore did a top notch jobs on our muggle passports and credentials. We even have university degrees from places I've never even heard of.'

'Dumbledore didn't do it…Dung did,' Remus replied, shivering when Sirius bit into his collarbone. 'Did a bloody good counterfeit, too, though it shouldn't come as a surprise. Anything illegal is Dung's specialty. Even changed the records at the universities listed, in case our employers decided to look back for something.'

'Employer,' Sirius laughed lightly. 'I finally get to see the police station without the bars, eh, Moony.  _Chief of Investigations_  or some shit like that. And you…' He poked Remus in the ribs playfully. 'Kindergarten teacher? You can't even handle Harry on your own. How are you going to teach other sprogs their letters?'

'Oh shut it,' Remus poked back. 'Don't you see Dumbledore's brilliance in these jobs? You get firsthand information about everything going on outside, any odd sightings that look like Dark Magic and you'll know.'

Sirius looked up in surprise, obviously never having considered the possible reason Dumbledore had assigned them these positions. 'I see, so once Harry's in school, you get to keep an eye on him. In case something happens…'

Remus nodded, tucking Sirius's hair behind his ears. 'There was one other thing he mentioned…I walked in on the conversation actually, but Padfoot…do you know what a Horcrux is?'

Sirius blinked, sitting up so that Remus's hand fell away to the bed. 'Horcrux? No, I don't think so…but it…'

'Sounds familiar, doesn't it?' Remus finished, gently prying away his hand from underneath Harry and sitting up. 'That's what I thought, too, but I can't quite place it. Dumbledore said it might be important to Harry's future, though I didn't really understand what he was saying. He reckons Voldemort might come back at some point…'

Sirius shifted uncomfortably and was almost about to say something, when their tense conversation was interrupted by Harry's happy cries of ' _MOO!'_ , as the child launched himself into Remus's lap, bouncing up and down.

'Hello, my love,' Remus laughed, throwing Harry into the air and catching him again with a kiss to his nose. 'Uncle Moony missed you terribly.'

Harry giggled childishly as Remus blew a raspberry into his belly.

'He's got oatmeal for breakfast today,' Sirius said, beaming as he watched the two of them play and fool around. 'Why don't you feed him today? He always ends up spilling most of his food on me, anyway…'

Remus nodded, smiling, but as soon as he reached for the bowl of oatmeal on the tray, Harry howled like a possessed child and pushed Remus's hands away.

At Remus's questioning glance, Sirius grinned sheepishly. 'He hates my cooking, but it's good for him! That green bird on the telly said it's full of fibres and you put some sugar into it, and it's perfectly edible. Look, just eat a bit of it, and he'll follow.'

Remus looked down at the bowl of oatmeal reluctantly. It wasn't that the oatmeal itself looked poisonous, but in all truth, Remus himself hated oatmeal. His mother had always force fed spoonfuls of it when he was younger, with empty promises of chocolate bars or new toys. He looked at Harry, who was looking at Remus with wide, fearful eyes, almost as if warning Remus not to eat it.

Remus held his breath and swallowed a mouthful.

And Harry vanished.

Sirius groaned exasperatedly. 'Not again. Like I didn't have enough trouble last time…'

Remus blinked at Sirius with confused amber eyes. Obviously, Harry vanishing was quite a normal thing when Sirius made breakfast.

'Come on. Let's get him before he hurts himself,' Sirius muttered grouchily, throwing a robe towards Remus. 'Come on, quickly!'

Grabbing his tea to wash down the taste of Sirius's disgusting oatmeal, Remus followed his lover as he stormed down the stairs, obviously in quite a temper. Sirius threw open the front door, marching outside with his arms crossed above his chest in a way that reminded Remus of his own father whenever he was about to be told off severely for licking off all the chocolate cream from the biscuits again.

'Harry, you come down here right this minute!' Sirius screamed, and Remus nearly fainted when he walked out to see exactly what Sirius was shouting at. 'Harry, I'm telling you to come down before you catch a cold!'

Remus rubbed his eyes dizzily and looked up again. Yes, it was true: Harry was sitting on the roof, quite happily playing with snow collected there from last night.

'HARRY!' Sirius roared, scaring Harry out his playful reverie and sending him into a crying fit, complete with tears and snot running down his nose steadily. 'Oh, for Merlin's sake, stop crying like that, boy! You'll slip!' Sirius's loud and brash tone, unsurprisingly, did not calm Harry down the slightest.

'Er…Padfoot…' Remus tried, looking from Harry to Sirius uncertainly, wondering if perhaps just bringing a ladder from the garage would be a smarter idea that to watch Sirius scolding the child silly. 'Padfoot…your hair…it's er… _blue_ …'

'What?' Sirius cried, outraged, his hands immediately flying to his precious hair. 'Again! It takes an entire day to wear off. I can't believe- HARRY!

Remus shifted awkwardly, before deciding that perhaps just fetching a ladder would be much wiser. They were attracting a lot of stares from the neighbours, most of whom were watching with incredulous expressions. One of them passing by looked at the two of them and then at Harry, her eyes looking ready to pop in horror.

' _Harry! You bring your diapered little arse down here right now, so that I can spank you to next week!'_

Remus smiled weakly at the woman and tried to shrug as if a one year old on top of the house roof was completely normal. 'Kids nowadays, eh?'

* * *

 

Sirius peeked at Remus through the corner of his eyes, wondering exactly why his lover had insisted on picking him up from work when he could easily have used the bike. Something about respect and reputation, Remus had mentioned, but Sirius had tuned himself out for most of the lecture. Mainly because he believed Remus just wanted to check out Sirius's new workplace at the station. It was much cooler than a kindergarten after all.

'Moony, I've been thinking…' Sirius started.

'Don't stress yourself too much,' Remus replied, not even bothering to take his eyes off the road to look at Sirius. 'You might have an aneurism, and then what would I do?'

Sirius pouted petulantly. 'Don't make fun of me when I'm being serious, Moony!' When Remus chortled at Sirius's unintentional pun, Sirius punched him in the arm lightly. 'Moony! Listen!'

'I'm listening, love,' Remus laughed, planting a quick kiss on Sirius's cheek. 'Go on.'

Sirius huffed. 'I've been thinking about the whole blood protection thing. I mean, don't you think there should be a way we can replicate the same thing maybe?' At Remus's look of confusion, Sirius tried to explain better. 'What if we used Petunia's blood and made seals around the house in every corner, Moony? Do you think it would work?'

Remus frowned. 'Seals? Runic symbols you mean?' He stopped the car at the corner and turned in his seat. 'I see, you want to substitute wand magic with Lily's blood magic, and channel it through Runes to magnify the protection around our house! Each Rune would signify a certain type of protection, or we could even use the same one repeatedly to amplify what we have. I mean, it's technically not physical magic, so we're not breaking our promise to Dumbledore, but it's just enough.' Remus rambled, having caught on to Sirius's idea quick enough. 'Padfoot, that's brilliant! I'd have never thought of that!'

Sirius grinned. 'Really? I thought you might actually be angry with me for suggesting something like that.'

Remus raised an inquisitive eyebrow. 'Why would I be angry?'

'Well…we are going to need Petunia Dursley's blood for it…' Sirius reasoned, an impish glint already forming in his grey eyes. 'And I know the perfect way to get it without her ever knowing!'

Remus was convinced Sirius had brainwashed him somehow because half an hour later, they were trying to break an entry into the local hospital. More specifically, into a room Sirius just  _happened_ to know contained blood samples and reports of those being tested. It was all just a coincidence of course that Sirius also happened to know that the none of the required nurses would come barging in on them since they were on a convenient coffee break. Remus didn't even want to know how Sirius knew that Petunia Dursley had gone to take a blood test recently.

'Padfoot, this is daylight robbery! Quite literally!' Remus screamed/whispered. 'It's illegal! We can't just barge into the hospital like this and steal! It's…it's-'

'It's fine, Moony,' Sirius reassured with a smirk that Remus had quickly learned to associate with trouble and mayhem. 'We're just going to look through the labels, pick up the vial with her name on it and leave as if nothing happened.' His kissed Remus's nose tenderly. 'Don't worry so much. Your lovely hair will go grey.'

Remus huffed and was about to complain further, when Sirius let out a silent shout of triumph and waved a test tube that was labeled in large black letters:  **Mrs. Petunia Dursley.**

'Look, here's a copy of her report, too,' Sirius said excitedly, opening said report and leafing through it as if it contained the latest gossip on her. 'They haven't filled it in completely…couple more tests left I think. Moony, do you happen to have a pen on you?'

'Sirius this is  _wrong!_ ' Remus protested, absent mindedly handing over the pen in his shirt pocket. 'We're not even supposed to be here, and we're definitely not supposed to be looking through confidential files.'

'How do you spell Hemorrhoids, Moony?' Sirius asked, obviously not paying attention to Remus's self righteous ramblings.

'What?'

Sirius rolled his eyes exasperatedly. 'Oh fine, Syphilis it is then,' he said, bending down to write into a blank space on the report, perfectly and Marauderishly copying the doctor's handwriting on top.

'Padfoot, you can't be serious!' Remus cried out, instantly regretting the pun when Sirius shot him an obnoxious grin. 'You're incorrigible!'

'You love me,' Sirius replied cheekily, pulling Remus by the hand. 'Come on. We don't want to get caught now, do we?'

* * *

 

'That's the last seal,' Sirius told Remus, putting his brush down and watching as the Runic symbol momentarily glowed gold, then settled back to its original reddish brown colour of dried blood. 'We can bring Harry back from the living room now. Before he gets addicted to that show…I swear he has a crush on that green bint.'

Remus rolled his eyes and pushed the sandbox (now completely snowed in) back in place, hiding the seal away from inquisitive eyes. Neither of them knew if the Runic symbols would actually work; there was no way to test them, but they knew that it was better to be safe with Harry than to take chances. Besides, Sirius's ideas were rarely ever a failure, especially when Remus improvised. That's how it had been back in school, at least.

'I wonder what Dumbledore would say about all this,' Remus murmured. 'I mean, we don't even know if these runes work…and well, if Harry were ever to discover them.'

'We'll deal with it then,' Sirius replied gruffly. 'It's for his own good, and if the Runes don't work, then we always have our wands. I don't think it should be too much of a problem.'

'Hm, guess not.'

'You're fretting over what Dumbledore said…' It wasn't a question. Sirius knew Remus too well, knew his moods, his feelings, and sometimes even what he was thinking. 'Stop it, Moony,' Sirius scolded, 'Voldemort isn't coming back…not anytime soon. He's a shadow of his former self…nothing more than a fragmented soul. There isn't much he can do…'

'I know that,' Remus snapped. 'It's something else he said…like if I lost som…never mind. Forget it.'

'I miss being Padfoot,' Sirius muttered, getting up and throwing all the equipment they'd used in the rubbish bin, except the book on Runes they'd used as reference. 'Things are so much simpler and Harry likes him, too.'

Remus sighed and smiled to break the tension between them. 'You know the rules. At least I won't have to deal with your fleas.'

'Oi, that was once!' Sirius cried, face heating up with embarrassment. 'Why can't you let it go?'

Remus dodged Sirius's mock punch and ran into the house to fetch Harry. Only to be met by a snowball in the face when he finally came back out, with their godson dressed like an enormous potato.

'Oi!' Remus yelled, dodging the second snowball, but getting hit again in the chest by a third one. 'No hitting women and children!'

'You're right,' Sirius laughed. 'Move away, woman. This fight is between me and Harry.' Looking at Remus's incredulous face, Sirius burst out laughing, clutching his stomach and doubling over from the funny of it all.

'Why you little…' Remus deposited a squealing Harry into the garden swing, before running to pick up pace and bounding Sirius over with his entire weight. Sirius only got to respond with a surprised  _'oof!'_ before Remus pinned both his wrists and straddled his thighs to keep him from moving.

'Sneaky bastard,' Sirius whispered, bringing his face closer to Remus and baring his teeth in displeasure in a way his Animagus counterpart would have. 'I'll get you for this, you know. Don't think you can get away this easy.'

'Sure, Padfoot, whatever you say…' Remus replied smugly, illustrating exactly how much control he had over Sirius by tightening his hold on Sirius's wrists. 'Everyone knows I always win in the end. You're mine, after all,' he joked, pulling at the leather collar on Sirius's neck.

Sirius raised a smug eyebrow and licked up across Remus's cheek. Immediately, Remus let go with a horrified,  _'ew, Padfoot!',_ giving Sirius the perfect opportunity to flip their positions and pin Remus to the ground instead. He gave Remus a naughty grin and licked up the second cheek, just for fun and to make Remus squirm quite pleasantly underneath him.

'So, what is it you were saying, my love?' Sirius asked cockily. 'Something about me being yours, is it?' He chuckled softly and nosed away Remus's scarf to kiss the skin there. 'Looks like the tables have turned, my dear Moony.' He kissed higher, leaving a rapidly cooling trail over Remus's already pink skin.

'Padfoot, we're out in the open,' Remus protested, as Sirius's hands forced Remus's arms around his neck so that they were laying on top of each other without an inch of space in between. 'Remember Petunia and her lovely habit of spying?'

'It's too dark to see anything,' Sirius replied huskily, more concentrated on the patch of skin below Remus's ear than their surroundings. 'We blend in with the snow anyway…'

'Mm…and Harry?' Remus tried, wriggling under Sirius experimentally to see if he could get out.

Sirius looked up just long enough to check on his godson. 'He's having a hard time trying to make the swing move,' he replied and before Remus could laugh or protest any further, Sirius captured his lips in a heated kiss.

_Momentum:_

_1 - An impelling force or strength_

_2- An essential element; a deciding point, fact, or consideration; an essential or influential circumstance._

_3- It is an abstruse speculation, but also of far less moment and consequence of us than the others. -Bentley._

* * *

The End

* * *

 


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